WHEN: Thursday, April 23rd, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: You!

As the quarantine continues and nonessential businesses remain closed, our hair is getting wackier and less tame, so today we celebrate that unprofessional wackiness the way we always do: by getting drunk and running around! Only because of the quarantine, we all did it on our own, then met up on Zoom to talk about it afterwards.

All of us, every day during quarantine

As we continued to drink at virtual circle, we held court for the various shenanigans and dumb shit that happened on virtual trail.

INDIVIDUAL VIOLATIONS:

  • Stain Gretzy was violated for having to borrow her muggle roommate’s wig. Come on! What respectable hasher doesn’t have, ready at a moment’s notice, 10 wigs of varying shades, 6 rainbow tutus, 4 animal onsies, 2 red dresses, and a Partridge in a pear tree?
  • Kooter Kunte was violated for collecting skulls on trail. Not only is that creepy as FUCK during a quarantine, that’s NOT what they mean when they said you’re “getting some head!”
  • Periodic Fable was violated for bringing a minor to trail. At least we don’t have to report you to the cops since the kid was still a virgin.
  • Special Red Kid was violated for thinking his beard is long enough to need a trim. Come on, I’ve seen more hair on Periodic Fable’s minor balls.
Quick he's resisting arrest! : funny
Actual footage of your scribe Close Encounters of the Turd Kind getting arrested for crimes against comedy
  • Tik Tok It’s Dick O’Clock and #Squadholes were violated for going way off theme. You were supposed to show off the highest part of your body, not the lowest. I’m not complaining though, I’ve already masturbated twice to those feet. Send me more, I know some people who are buying.
  • Bow Chica Bow Bow, Edward Sissy Hands, and Close Encounters of the Turd Kind were violated for being uncreative losers and having the same hairdo today. At least we all know what you do with your jizz when you’re done masturbating with that There’s Something About Mary look.
  • Roll Over Bitch was violated for forcing Kooter Kunte on trail and getting her all wet. That was clearly the first time THAT’S ever happened
  • Kooter Kunte was violated again for taking a shower on trail. That’s the first time THAT’s how anyone got wet on trail!
  • Deetz Nuts was violated for being afraid to get a little moist.
my cupcakes are moist and delicious | Tumblr

MISMANAGEMENT AND META VIOLATIONS:

  • All of Mismanagement was violated for the shitty weather we had today.
  • Close Encounters of the Turd Kind was violated for not knowing how trail announcements work and emailing a list he didn’t have credentials for to remind you to submit violations for over a month.
  • Son, What The Fuck was violated for reusing the silver hair she used on her 69th trail.
  • Twaterboarding was violated for putting Kooter Kunte in double jeopardy and violating her twice for the same crime

CUMMENDATIONS:

  • The Defense Breasts was cummended for her creativity and engineering skill for keeping her hair on theme for tonight. I do have one question though, can those antennas be tuned to pick up the scrambled porn channels?
  • Deep Anal Horizon was cummended for the excellent throwback to his emo days. It’s tough having such longevity while being a part of a clique known primarily for its suicide.

GROUP VIOLATIONS:

  • Everyone who wore hats on trail. The theme was CRAZY HAIR, not “cover your hair”, numbnuts!
  • Everyone who has tried to cut their own hair during quarantine
  • Everyone who smoked pot on 4/20
  • Everyone who DIDN’T smoke pot on 4/20
Everyday Smoke Weed GIFs | Tenor

On–I’m starting to need a haircut soon…–On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind