WHEN: Thursday, May 7th, 2020

WHERE: Your House!

HARES: You!

We’ve been locked away for a month and a half. There is no more fresh food left in our pantries. We only have delicious junk food left. It was time to celebrate those staple food items with long shelf lives and start ingesting them! Pull out those Cheetos and get crunching!

Chester Cheetah getting high

One way or another

We binged on artificially colored orange food today, and we hashed. Then we binged on more artificially colored orange food and drank a lot. Just another day in quarantine!

As always, some of you did stupid things on this Virtual Trail

FOOD-RELATED VIOLATIONS:

  • Kooter Kunte, Roll Over Bitch, and Periodic Fable were violated for going off theme and posting pictures of HEALTHY orange food. Get that shit out of my face, I only want the most artificial of flavors in my food today. Where the FUCK is my monosodium glutamate, my disodium phosphate, my thiamine mononitrate, my whey protein isolate? Where’s my Yellow 6, my annatto extract color, my monocalcium phosphate? Where are my carcinogens, my heart complicators, my diabetes concentrates, my artery solidifiers? Fuck off with that weak-ass health shit!
  • Tuck Tuck Deuce, don’t act like we didn’t see you with those Whole Wheat CheezIts, that’s health food-adjacent and still gets a violation!
  • Around the World in 80 Lays and Just John, don’t tell me how to schedule my poops with your Metamucil, get that stool softener out of my face, I eat snacks that clog up my butthole so that when I take my once-a-week shit, that shits rip my anus to shreds!
Questlove's "Symphonic Celebration of Prince" coming to Orlando - bungalower

Everyone’s collective reaction to hearing this much information about Turd Kind’s butthole, despite knowing how he got his name…

OTHER VIOLATIONS:

  • Quid Pro Blow was violated for color-blindness. The theme color was a shitty Presidential cheater, not a shitty one-balled cheater.
  • Son, What the Fuck? was violated for her raceist-adjacent attire. “The Balanced Athlete” is a slippery slope to “I have marathon stickers on my car.”
  • Infidellatio is being violated for having so much pent-up sexual energy, she thinks Cum Dumpling is a snack!
  • Similarly, Close Encounters of the Turd Kind is being violated for also being too pent up during this pandemic. He was almost arrested for excessive mastication.

But it wasn’t ALL bad, we have to give out some cummendations too!

CUMMENDATIONS:

  • A BIG cummendation to everyone who submitted violations this week! Thank you for participating and helping me write jokes, all 2 of you!
  • Just Caol Ila was cummended for being this week’s winner for Most Photogenic Hasher! Look at that cutie! Sorry Just Murray, try harder next time!
  • Deep Anal Horizon was cummended for his snack food presentation! Alright, I changed my mind about that health food shit I said earlier, suddenly I want THAT carrot to rip my anus to shreds!
Orange Vagina GIF - Orange Vagina - Discover & Share GIFs

OK Turd Kind, we all think you might need serious psychological help.

GROUP VIOLATIONS:

  • Everyone who has not yet purchased their new EWH3 face mask! This group violation brought to you by EHW3 Haberdasherie! We have masks for sale! They come in gray and burgundy! Email your Haberdasher today! Supplies are limited! And now back to your regularly scheduled violations!
  • Everyone who submits their pictures after 7pm because it makes it really hard for me to make jokes about you people. I’m looking at YOU, L’Chymen!
  • Everyone who has broken quarantine for a booty call. Double violation if it was group sex, because you didn’t invite me!
  • Everyone who DIDN’T go outside today, because they showed callous disregard for the hard work of the RA
  • Everyone who didn’t have Tacos on Taco Tuesday Cinco de Mayo
Shaq-Eating-Tacos-Taco-Bell-Commercial ⋆ BYT // Brightest Young Things

Please tell me COVID didn’t cancel Shaq Attack…

On-Why is my blood pressure so high?-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind