WHEN: Thursday, May 28th, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: You!

Hello, Hellenistic Homies! Hera hopes you hastily hashed your happy hearts out, heaving habitual hibernation, heroically having healthy habits, and helping hospitable humans hydrate heavily! Hurl your hoodies, hammer Hermes with hummus, and humor Hyperion with Homerian horror in this hottest habitable humidity. Handle your hormones, horny hashers, and hold Helles high, here’s your scribe report!

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This week was our chance to celebrate Greek life, both in the ancient civilization sense as well as the college sense. Some of us broke out our togas, while some of us broke out our hoodies. Some of us drank fine wine, while some of us drank Natty Light. Some of us got wasted, while some of us got wasted.

Now, I spent way too much time doing math nerd shit in college to even get ASKED to join a fraternity, but I know enough your stupid-ass Greek Life rituals to know I wanted no part in that shit. I’m talking about YOU, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, I read ALL ABOUT how you guys shove frozen hot dogs up your pledges’ asses! Maybe the rest of you frat-heads aren’t so bad, but Greek life on my campus was a lot like giving a blow job after a dinner of steak and raw cabbage — it left a pretty bad taste in my mouth.

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You have no choice but to deal with my shitty punchlines.

After 11 weeks of Virtual Trails, you people are STILL doing dumb shit, and for that, we have a round of VIOLATIONS!

  • Just Kirsten was violated for inadequate education in the maritime construction practices of ancient civilizations. You think that shirt says Greek Life, but the Dragon’s Head on the bow of the ship says it’s of Viking origin. Alpha Tau Omega is reeeaallly doing justice to their reputation for being too annoying to hang out with the cool frats but too dumb to hang out with the smart ones.
  • Mourning Wood was violated because he can’t hold his liquor. Look, I know they relaxed open container laws in DC, but you can’t get so drunk you try to whore yourself out by advertising your favorite sexual position – FACE DOWN ASS UP, that’s the way Mourning Wood likes to get fucked. Maybe next time don’t forget the olive oil for lube.

Thankfully, most of you have gotten the hang of this whole “Virtual trail theme” thing, and for once we have more cummendations than violations! Great job everyone! First up, a round of cummendations for those hashers who are living Greek lift properly.

  • Throbbin’ Hood was cummended for sufficiently bro-ing down for this week’s theme. I can’t wait to see you at the next Dave Matthew’s concert.
  • Schrödinger’s Cock and Poon Apple Juice were cummended for their matching attire. Both of those outfits scream “I stole this hoodie when I hooked up with a frat dude and he’s not getting it back.”
  • Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer is being cummended for achieving the goal of every frat bro in the world: getting that PUSSY!

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Next, the REAL cummendations for everyone living that Ancient Greek lifestyle!

  • Geriatric Mandering was cummended for her appropriate and SEXY Medusa costume – just by looking at her I’m getting ROCK HARD!
  • Ready Player None and Greatest Ho on Earth were cummended for their awesome togas. I’ll have to remember to make my own out of my bedsheets instead of just donating them once they’re too crusty from cumstains to sleep on anymore.
  • Poon Tang Clan was cummended for properly worshipping Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, and for enriching our lives with this week’s winner of the Goodest Boi Award, Just Oliver!
  • Headshart was cummended for defeating Tyrion Lannister in a Trial by Combat to take her rightful place in the Greek pantheon. Bow before your new deity Headshart, Goddess of Tits and Wine!

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