WHEN: Thursday, June 18th, 2020
WHERE: Your House
Buckle up, butternuts, it’s time for your Scribe Report! Pride was canceled, it’s time for Gay Wrath Month! That’s right, the Gay Agenda is in full effect this month, so all of us straight people better watch out! The Gays are COMING for you, and your FAMILY! If you’re not careful, they’re gonna… hold on, lemme check my notes… ask for equality in the workplace, to not be assaulted in bathrooms, and not being told they aren’t people… I MEAN HOW AWFUL!!
And since Virginia suddenly declared tomorrow a state holiday and I have the day off, you all can join me as I suck down this rainbow assortment of hard seltzer! Let’s fuckin’ GO!!
Despite it being a joyous week for a LOT of people with two HUGE Supreme Court decisions, some of you wankers decided to fuck things up this week, and for that, people got violated.
- Schrödinger’s Cock is being violated for trying to place rules on our group chat. Listen, Lumbergh, we’re not faxing those TPS reports to you because YOU’RE NOT OUR SUPERVISOR! I’m gonna send dick pics to WHOMEVER I please.
- Piling on, Schrödinger’s Cock and Poon Apple Juice were violated for ruining pancakes for me FOREVER! You know what I saw, it’s all YOUR fault, and I’m never watching another amateur porn film festival with you AGAIN until two days from now, I already RSVPed, can’t wait.
- Sir Lancelittle was violated for joining a pack of r*nners and deciding to walk. Come on you tall-ass bitch, what the fuck, use those long-ass legs to keep up instead of holding us short people back! #HeightPrivilege
- Just Kirsten was violated for bringing warm beer to her quaranteam EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. Maybe the reason why you haven’t been named yet is because you don’t know what a goddamn cooler is!
- Deetz Nutz is being violated for being a witch who is going to melt in the rain. Look, I don’t know who submitted that violation, but since it’s Pride Month, I wouldn’t mind if Deetz melted like butter all over me while Edward Sissy Hands licked it off. Look at those dreamy eyes, the Gay Agenda has TAKEN ME!
- Headshart is being violated for breaking international laws, destroying the environment, and upsetting the delicate ecosystem of an African savannah. For the love of God Headshart, you HAVE to give Pride Rock back to the Lion King.
- Everyone who doesn’t own Rainbow attire in 2020. Even if you’re a terrible person and hate gay people, you probably believe you’re a descendant of Noah, and the rainbow was pretty fuckin’ important to him and his family.
But it wasn’t all bad! Some of you wankers really came through this week!
- Cocktease Falcon was cummended for finally leaving her house for trail! For the past 12 weeks we had to check to see if she was re-using photos (Verdict: GUILTY!), but not this time! Time stamped today and everything!
- Geriatric Mandering was cummended for her dedication to rigorously following the scientific method in pursuit of experimentation and finishing her bottle of champagne. We’re so proud of your dependability! When someone hands you something long and hard, you suck it down until it’s dry!
- And finally, a great big commendation, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you who have let me perform terrible virtual standup comedy for you every single week throughout this time of global and national upheaval. Thank you all, and I hope to God for all of your sakes we don’t have to do this for much longer.
On-“I just assume everyone in EWH3 is pansexual and polyamorous until told otherwise”-On
Close Encounters of the Turd Kind