WHEN: Thursday, June 25th, 2020
WHERE: Garfield Park (HOLY SHIT, NOT *MY* HOUSE?!)
HARES: Poon-Apple Juice, Schrödinger’s Cock
So there I was… quarantined for 104 days, only leaving my house to beer and other necessary supplies like liquor and hard seltzer, trapped in the darkest recesses of my mind in an existential quandary that would drive Nietzsche insane and strike terror into H.P Lovecraft for being too horrific, blistering my hands from masturbating too much (protip: hand sanitizer does not make good lube)…
WHEN SUDDENLY… OUT OF THE DARKNESS… A TRAIL ANNOUNCEMENT!
That’s right, it was our FIRST REAL-LIFE TRAIL in over an astronomical season! Since it was June 25th, the theme was Halfway to Christmas! Only six more months, or two more quarantines, until we get to open presents and argue with shitty relatives!
Given that it had been 3 months since our last trail, a LOT of us were rusty and forgot how trail worked, and we did some STUPID shit:
- Schrödinger’s Cock was violated for being overheard on trail saying “It’s too thick for my face, I can’t breathe!” Buddy, you’re not supposed to breathe, you’re supposed suck!
- Poon Apple Juice was violated for being overheard at beer check saying to Schrödinger’s Cock “I’m gonna let you go first,” as if we all didn’t already know SchröCo would finish first anyway…
Even the cummendations came with a healthy dose of snark:
- GPS was “cummended” for doing his part to keep the pack socially distanced on trail by solving checks by himself without telling the rest of the pack that he was ON-ON.
- Just Kirsten was “cummended” for not getting hit by a car. Usually when I set the bar THAT low, I regret whatever I wake up next to.
Things got even worse at End Circle…
- Schrödinger’s Cock and Close Encounters of the Turd Kind were violated for screwing up their jobs at End Circle. Look, I know that dry spells can leave you out of practice, but at a certain point it’s just embarrassing…
- Tony Panda was violated for being SO excited to legally try out his brand new vape pen in DC, but as soon as he pulled it out, he broke it. On the bright side, it’s least it’s not the WORST thing that can happen when you fuck up pulling something out.
- Although we missed a TON of birthdays during the quarantine, we had MANY to celebrate on trail this week, including Shamrock Your Cock, Poon Apple Juice, Deetz Nuts, and The Cumburglar. We were unable to pour any fluids on the birthday people due to social distancing rules, but know that just because we couldn’t shame you with our eyes, we will ALWAYS shame you in our hearts.
The pack as a whole was not spared for their transgressions:
- GROUP VIOLATION: Everyone who showed up to the first post-quarantine trail but didn’t post any pictures in the Google Albums or join any of the Zoom Circles. Seriously, who the hell ARE you people? Show me your genitals, you long-time-no-seeum!
- GROUP VIOLATION: Everyone who forgot their hash necklaces. Come on, I know you’ve spent most of the last three months naked at home, don’t you feel naked without it?
ON-I FORGET WHAT “ON-ON” IS-ON
Close Encounters of the Turd Kind