When: October 15th, 2020

Where: Georgia Ave/Petworth (Green/Yellow Line)

Hares: Kooter Kunte & Roll Over, Bitch!

Virgins: Just Shelly, Just Sammy, Just Phil, Just Lisa, and Just Arly

Visitors: Hazukashii

Long-Time No See Ums: Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer

On-After: None, because COVID



Roll Over Bitch! was violated for his piss-poor trail marking skills. Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Roll Over Bitch! That’s right, Roll Over Bitch is not sweet! He’s a scum-sucking road whore and he ruined my life!

Someone on trail said “oh you’re really short down there” and Quid Pro Blow replied “that’s what she said!” Quid, the NBA finals are over, you can  stop dunking on yourself. Stop trying to one-up Ben Shapiro!

Cum Dumpling was violated for yelling at some muggles to get out of the middle of the street, while also standing in the middle of the street, while also not wearing a mask. Standing there in the street, you smell like a baby prostitute!

Kooter Kunte was violated for asking Just Arly “if you’re a golden retriever, why are you black?” Oh my GOD Kooter, you can’t just ask why someone is black!

Just Arly was violated for knocking over Lickthyologist‘s beer, just so he could get some. Ayoooo! Just Arly was further violated for grabbing someone’s vessel and trying to run away with it. He was trying to make fetch happen. Stop trying to make fetch happen, it’s not going to happen!

Schrödinger’s Cock was violated for sitting on the most roach-infested picnic table at beer check. Look, I know you’re a computer engineer, but those aren’t features, those are just bugs.

Schroco was further violated for bragging about his run count and how he was passing a lot of the other EWH3 hashers. Schroco, I dont care how hard you try, you will NEVER be the cool mom!

Schroco was triple violated because he was overheard saying trail was so good that he hadn’t felt in his ass like that in a long time. Schroco, we know you’re a bottom, keep it in your pants!


Just Phil was cummended for avoiding running into a big pole and gripping it firmly while doing so. That’s not the only pole he’s grabbing, he’s such a fugly slut!

Group cummendation for They Blow Up So Fast, Just Lisa, and Maybe It’s Gaybelline for their incredible costumes. Special cummendation to Gaybeline‘s mom, these costumes were made from his mother’s chest hair.

Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer, welcome back! I missed you so much! I guess it’s probably because I’ve got a big lesbian crush on you! Suck on that.

Finally, I would like to commend my balls. Not once did they pop out in these shorts. General Tso’s Dicken, your lips can learn a thing or two from my balls. 


On-I’m SO Glad Fetch Hasn’t Happened-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind