When: Thursday, February 11th, 2021

Where: Brookland/CUA (Red Line)

Hares: Lickthyologist & 23 In Me

On-After: None, because COVID

Oh yes, it’s Valentine’s Day! Despite the pandemic, we hashers are HORNY and GETTING IT ON! …with ourselves or people who are already in our pod… Fuck this pandemic is so depressing it’s making my boner not work…

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People are getting it on SOMEWHERE, hopefully…

Valentine’s Day gave me a chance to work on my seduction skills. However, being cooped up with little social interaction has made my game a little… strange. I know it’s a numbers game, so I made sure to hit on as many people as possible. These are some of the actual pickup lines I used tonight:

  • 21 Gum Salute, I’m surprised you’re not floating around us like the angel you are, especially since you’re smuggling two zeppelins in your shirt.
  • Just Rachel, I’m suddenly jealous of Aquamans ability to breathe underwater, but I’m ready to drown with you sitting on my face.
  • GPS, your ass is so fine I wanna suck a fart straight from your butthole and hold it in my lungs like a bongo rip.
  • Shetland Blowme and Spit and Spin, you two are so out of my league, I don’t even wanna ask for a threesome, I just want to watch from a telescope across the river in my treehouse that my grandfather built so I wouldn’t tell the judge what he did to me in the basement.
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Turd… please stop. Go to therapy, for all of our sakes.

In addition to my failures, other stupid shit happened on trail. Here are some of them.

23 in Me was overheard talking about goo and saving souls. 23 in Me, I’m sorry, but I went to Jesus camp, so I know a thing or two. Sucking the goo from the priest will NOT save your soul, it will just cost a lot in therapy.

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For the love of God, Turd, go back to therapy!

There was pile on for 23 in Me: she hared her first trail today. Just like a basic white girl, losing her virginity on Valentines Day…

Lickthyologist was overheard at the end of trail saying the inside of her mask was moist. That’s what happens when you take 23 in Me‘s virginity.

And both of them were violated for only putting two hash marks on their true trail arrows. Maybe two is good enough for virgins, but we all know three really makes it work!

21 Gum Salute was violated for talking excitedly about being a Barbie girl and getting dressed up. I’d make an Aqua reference, but she’s too goddamn young to understand it.

SchroCo was violated for using a pitcher to drink beer at End before his vessel arrived with the walkers. I feel really bad for Poon-apple Juice, you’re just too impatient for her to come! 

On-I DEFINITELY went home alone tonight-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind