When: Thursday, May 27th, 2020

Where: Van Ness/UDC (Red Line)

Hares: Chale Why?, 9021-Ho, GPS, and Mouthful of Clam

Virgins: None

Visitors: None

Long-Time No See Ums: None

On-After: None, because COVID

Buckle up, butternuts, because this trail got dicey. Between the hills, the bushwacking, the rivers, and the cicadas, this trail was a DOOZY! Luckily, only two people got lost before end circle – not bad for a trail that GPS was involved in creating!

BREAKING FREE FROM MASKS! HALLELUJAH!

Oh man, it is SO good to be running a trail without a mask on! This was my first time running without a mask in over a year. It’s been so long that I forgot what it was like running without sweating so much it feels like I’m water boarding myself! My face was so dry that it was the first run in a year where I was not constantly thinking about cunnilingus.

  • Speaking of pussy, the Walkers saw a cat walking around in a harness on trail. They were ALL violated for being less kinky than a cat.
  • Walkers weren’t the only one getting lucky with animals on trail. Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer and Tacos on a Bridge were cummended for getting bitches’ numbers on trails!
  • Speaking of tacos, Rail Mary was overheard on trail saying that she had never eaten a taco before – figuratively OR literally. First off, fuck you, I don’t believe you. Secondly, you should talk to Blow Me Closer BECAUSE…
  • Tacos fell down on trail and Blow Me Closer yelled out “five second rule!” We ALL know Blow Me Closer knows the rules when it comes to eating tacos!
Eating Tacos GIFs | Tenor
BMCTD demonstrates proper Taco techniques

Pause: I just can’t get over how good this trail felt, despite how rough this trail was. I haven’t enjoyed raw dogging air this much since I was eight years old and I lost my virginity to an inflatable raft in the pool!

  • Speaking of getting wet, Bow Chika Wow Wow was violated for falling into the water and breaking his mug. I haven’t seen a vessel go down that hard since the Lucitania. Fuck yeah, I make WWI jokes,
  • We HAD to violate Tuck Tuck Deuce’s evil twin. We are absolutely sure this wasn’t Tuck, it was the evil twin, because (1) he had an evil mustache, and (2), he was overheard on trail saying “I don’t know what Tuck was thinking, I mean I hate it so much I’m talking in the third person” That’s right Evil Tuck, what an ass!
  • Speaking of ass, Burlington Ho Factory was violated for smacking as many asses as she can get consent for. Ho Factory, if consent was F.R.I.E.S., I’d be the state of Idaho, because you can smack my ass ANY time you want!
Raise Eyebrow GIFs | Tenor

Holy shitballs, I was SO psyched for this trail. Just like the cicadas, I came to do two things: scream and fuck!

  • Infidellatio was violated for her downhill running technique. She daintily skipped the entire way down a large hill. I guess she learned her techniques for “going down” when she was in kindergarten!
  • Speaking of elementary school shit, Maybe It’s Gaybelline was violated for being a walking Lisa Frank trapper keeper! Gaybelline’s moose knuckle was more pronounced than the Oxford English Dictionary.
  • Finally, we violated THE HARES! Last week, the hares put Heartbreak Hill right before the beer check. This week, they put heartbreak hill smack dab in the middle of first half. GPS was rightfully commended for being the kinkiest sadist of the pack!

On-But My Legs Still Got Pretty Thrashed-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind