EWH3 Trash #1502: THE SHIT SHOW TRAIL

When: January 22, 2026
Start: Georgia Ave/Petworth
End: Just Tommy’s yard
Hares: Just Tommy, Cuntry Fried Seaman, Tragic Carpet Ride

Ever wondered what those little green bags littered around DC are actually for? This trail answered that question in the least sanitary way possible. The hares led us on a journey filled with flour, confusion, and decisions that will haunt park maintenance crews for years to come. We properly deflowered Just Mike and Just John, snatching their hashing virginity while the Fellowship of the Cockring joined all the way from Boston to watch. We even had a rare sighting of Vincent Van Gogh Fuck Myself, back from Pittsburgh to remind us that you can leave the hash, but the hash—and the shame—never leaves you.

 

Shitty Violations

The hares: For tempting us with little goodie baggies full of product, when it turns out the product was just their own crap trail.

General’s Farm Animal and Bearfucker for shit stuff: GFA for getting way too excited about an incoming snow dump and the suffering it would cause and Bearfucker for confidently predicting the entire East Coast would get dumped on. 

Tragic Carpet Ride: For not understanding the alphabet. DC streets are alphabetical. We needed Upshur. He gave us Varnum. Also: mismanagement. If you want a shit show, let Tragic hare. 

Dick Violations

General’s Farm Animal: For attempting to hide the beer check from runners so he could hoard all the beer, claiming it was a “bad trail.” 

For bragging about their wood: Tony Panda, General’s Farm Animal, and Taking the D for a B:
–Tony Panda for going on about the root nubs at beer check.
-GFA for bragging about his time handling woodworking at the arboretum in Boston.
-Taking the D for a B for talking about how much he enjoys hardwood flooring.

Cum Dumpling: While wankers were talking about architecture, Cum Dumpling enjoyed it so much he started masturbating on a window.

Tony Panda: For being spotted readjusting his “Tiny Panda” at beer check.

All the Other Dumb Shit People Did

Fellowship of the Cockring & the FRBs: Fellowship arrived at the beer check with a bunch of partially drunken miniatures because the FRBs “couldn’t finish things off for him,” but also Fellowship, because he couldn’t handle all the moisture and needed an assist.

Everyone who left trash at Just Tommy’s house last time we ended trail there: Don’t be dicks—clean up your shit (especially for this hare who just got married today!).

Vagina Is for Lawyers, Ready Player None, and Just Mia: For confidently walking the wrong direction on walkers trail. VagLaw doesn’t know how to stop leading, and the rest of you don’t know how to stop being lemmings and following him.

These Are the Tits You’re Looking For: For bragging about her new cash spreadsheet and just generally being a freak in the sheets. And for telling me (Lick) I’m on her to-do list.

Tragic Carpet Ride (Again): For pissing on trail in front of a church. Growth noted: no vomiting this time. 

Everyone who hasn’t hared or signed up to hare yet in 2026: Get your name on the hare line. Stop being pretty but useless.

On-On,

Lickthyologist