EWH3 Trash #1506: HUAYNAPUTINA’S REVENGE TRAIL
When: February 19, 2026
Start: NoMa
End: Rhode Island Ave / Dew Drop Inn
Hares: Just Tommy and OH Hey Not Gay
It was a dark, damp, and lonely affair at EWH3 as a pathetic handful of wankers braved the drizzle to pay homage to Huaynaputina—the volcano that, back in 1600, decided she’d been pent up long enough and finally screamed, “That’s it, I’m blowing!”
Just like that legendary blast, this trail featured a long buildup, a massive release, and a hot, steamy finish—though our “explosive” history lesson was repeatedly interrupted by angry muggles whining about flour and peace protesters we had to dodge like the plague. With no van for relief and a total lack of fresh meat to sacrifice (no virgins or visitors in sight), we were left shivering in the rain, proving that when you hold it in for 400 years, you don’t get a polite puff—you get a messy, wet run that leaves everyone gasping—and questioning their life choices.
Violations
Just Tommy: For inciting a muggle named Karen to post his trail laying on the DC subreddit. Congrats, Tommy—for pissing off the neighbors, you’re officially a real hare now.
Just Patrick: For looking like a Cum Burglar body double—same energy, but with less budget and more regret.
These are the Tits You’re Looking for: For seeing Bipolar Bear emerge, calling him the wrong name (“Oh hey”) to welcome him late to trail, but then immediately pivoting to money enforcer and demanding his hash—priorities: unclear, but aggressive.
Tumey McBoatFace (the “Sober GM”): For going to buy alcohol at beer check—a bold and confusing leadership strategy.
Deepthroat Corndog, Tumey, and all of mismanagement: Who talked with Just Melony. Looks like we found our new recruitment strategy: hanging outside the liquor store to recruit trail treasure—finally, outreach that matches our standards.
Just Tommy: For using his baby voice to tell the pack where to look for trail while sweeping—nothing says authority like sounding like a toddler.
Shamrock’s hubby: For not wanting his wife to drive alone to the event. But has Tony Panda met Tony Panda? Can I get a stunt panda, aka Panda Express—because clearly the real risk is Panda-related.
Tits: For talking about how much success she’s had in short-term positions.
Ready Player None: For blowing his cognitive load all over a card game—tragically, not the first time he’s finished too early.
Infidellatio (Speaking of small loads): For asking someone to get her “small bag” out of the bag vehicle and then presenting a backpack bigger than herself—a logistical lie of impressive scale.
The Tity Committee, Ha-Cum-On My Tatas & Tits: For both giving so much to the hash that they were planning to drive 4+ hours in the morning to PartyGras, and both hadn’t done laundry or packed yet, and Tits still needed to write a lesson plan for her substitute—truly thriving under pressure.
The Penis Gallery (Cuntry Fried, Oh Hey Not Gay, Eat Pray Dump, and Just Patrick): Cuntry Fried approached me saying he had a violation, but then got distracted. He did indeed, though—I overheard him telling a very interested bro audience about his “Cheeto toes” experience… of being fed Cheetos from some lady’s sexy toes—proving once again you really can’t keep hashers away from orange food.
Check Out Our Hash Flash Photos Here!!!
On-On,
Lickthyologist