When: Thursday, July 30, 2020
Where: Fort Totten Park
Hares: Son, What the Fuck & Schrodinger’s Cock
Brew Crew: Bitches Give Stitches
Transplant?: Just Alex

Beer! It’s our favorite beverage, but how do you choose the right one? Take our quiz below to find out!

  1. The trail has a theme. Do you..
    a. Start Amazon shopping as soon as the announcement goes out.
    b. Dig through the costume box for something that will work.
    c. Hashing isn’t for costumes.
  2. There’s a cute new virgin on trail. How do you say hello?
    a. Flash them.
    b. Offer them a beer.
    c.Ignore them completely until they’re named.
  3. Uh oh! You spy a pair of new shoes! Who do you do?
    a. Tell the RA – I can’t wait for them to get called out.
    b. Quietly pull them aside and show them how to scuff them up a bit.
    c. I don’t have time for childish antics like that.
  4. It’s time for violations! You get called into circle. How do you react?
    a. With glee! I bounce into the circle and happily prepare my down-down
    b. With terror! I just want to drink my beer and laugh. Why is everyone looking at me?
    c. I don’t. I left before circle started.

Tally up your responses and read below to find out your beer-it animal.

Mostly A’s: A fun loving pilsner! You’re bright and effervescent, with a crisp wit and a bit of lightheartedness. Go on and grab yourself a nice pils – wait.. the brew crew only brought Bud Heavy? Guess that’s what you’re drinking.

Mostly B’s: A Red Ale! A little sweet and usually a bit toasted, you like to keep to the sidelines and enjoy life as a spectator. You deserve a malty red during circle. Brew crew, get this wanker a – oh.. there’s only Bud Heavy. Sure, that works too.

Mostly C’s: An Aggressive IPA! You have taste, but like to take things seriously. A little bitter, but that doesn’t take away from your charm. Ask the brew crew for an IPA to quench your – right.. Bud Heavy.. Got it.

Violations

Our RA, Schrodinger’s Cock was violated for bringing all the water, but none of the barley, yeast, or hops.

Sir Lance-a-Little had fun playing dress up, using his mask to give the appearance of both beauty AND brains.

Despite the super clear d’erections, Just Alex couldn’t find start. If he’s this lost before trail, I can’t imagine what else is alluding him.

The Cumburglar stuck his hands where they don’t belong, proving that he, too, needs more specific instruction.

9021-ho took it slow as he poured his beer… right into a brand new shoe.

 

When what to my wandering eyes did appear, but a very solemn occasion…

The Naming of Just Kirsten

Despite the fact that she isn’t quite sure how to drink beer, Just Kirsten has made it to 30 trails at Everyday is Wednesday. This is almost ten more than the number of teeth in her possession mouth. No stranger to doing the most, JK has fucked across the entirety of the Virginia Tech campus, earning her a triple crown, a broken finger, and a deep distrust of uncircumcised penises. Just Kirsten learned to read in third grade, which explains why she ignores so many warning signs. A true Black-out Cat with a love of yarn, Just Kirsten always lands on her feet, even when falling from a bar balcony. Way too many names were nominated, but in the end it was your lovely stunt scribe Poon-apple Juice who christened her…

Soggy and jubilent, we dispersed to our homes for beer, beer, and more beer (but this time with less bugs and drier butts)..

On – Thanks, Ray! – ON
Poon-apple Juice

WHEN: Thursday, June 25th, 2020

WHERE: Garfield Park (HOLY SHIT, NOT *MY* HOUSE?!)

HARES: Poon-Apple Juice, Schrödinger’s Cock

So there I was… quarantined for 104 days, only leaving my house to beer and other necessary supplies like liquor and hard seltzer, trapped in the darkest recesses of my mind in an existential quandary that would drive Nietzsche insane and strike terror into H.P Lovecraft for being too horrific, blistering my hands from masturbating too much (protip: hand sanitizer does not make good lube)…

WHEN SUDDENLY… OUT OF THE DARKNESS… A TRAIL ANNOUNCEMENT!

Actual reaction we all had to the idea of human contact

That’s right, it was our FIRST REAL-LIFE TRAIL in over an astronomical season! Since it was June 25th, the theme was Halfway to Christmas! Only six more months, or two more quarantines, until we get to open presents and argue with shitty relatives!

Santa’s not the ONLY one cumming…

Given that it had been 3 months since our last trail, a LOT of us were rusty and forgot how trail worked, and we did some STUPID shit:

  • Schrödinger’s Cock was violated for being overheard on trail saying “It’s too thick for my face, I can’t breathe!” Buddy, you’re not supposed to breathe, you’re supposed suck!
  • Poon Apple Juice was violated for being overheard at beer check saying to Schrödinger’s Cock “I’m gonna let you go first,” as if we all didn’t already know SchröCo would finish first anyway…

Even the cummendations came with a healthy dose of snark:

  • GPS was “cummended” for doing his part to keep the pack socially distanced on trail by solving checks by himself without telling the rest of the pack that he was ON-ON.
  • Just Kirsten was “cummended” for not getting hit by a car. Usually when I set the bar THAT low, I regret whatever I wake up next to.
Then again, when they wake up, they have regrets too…

Things got even worse at End Circle…

  • Schrödinger’s Cock and Close Encounters of the Turd Kind were violated for screwing up their jobs at End Circle. Look, I know that dry spells can leave you out of practice, but at a certain point it’s just embarrassing…
  • Tony Panda was violated for being SO excited to legally try out his brand new vape pen in DC, but as soon as he pulled it out, he broke it. On the bright side, it’s least it’s not the WORST thing that can happen when you fuck up pulling something out.
  • Although we missed a TON of birthdays during the quarantine, we had MANY to celebrate on trail this week, including Shamrock Your Cock, Poon Apple Juice, Deetz Nuts, and The Cumburglar. We were unable to pour any fluids on the birthday people due to social distancing rules, but know that just because we couldn’t shame you with our eyes, we will ALWAYS shame you in our hearts.

The pack as a whole was not spared for their transgressions:

  • GROUP VIOLATION: Everyone who showed up to the first post-quarantine trail but didn’t post any pictures in the Google Albums or join any of the Zoom Circles. Seriously, who the hell ARE you people? Show me your genitals, you long-time-no-seeum!
  • GROUP VIOLATION: Everyone who forgot their hash necklaces. Come on, I know you’ve spent most of the last three months naked at home, don’t you feel naked without it?

ON-I FORGET WHAT “ON-ON” IS-ON

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

WHEN: Thursday, June 18th, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: You!

Buckle up, butternuts, it’s time for your Scribe Report! Pride was canceled, it’s time for Gay Wrath Month! That’s right, the Gay Agenda is in full effect this month, so all of us straight people better watch out! The Gays are COMING for you, and your FAMILY! If you’re not careful, they’re gonna… hold on, lemme check my notes… ask for equality in the workplace, to not be assaulted in bathrooms, and not being told they aren’t people… I MEAN HOW AWFUL!!

3 Fab Reasons to Build a LGBT Workplace Inclusion Policy | RBM Blog

And clogging up our roads with traffic!

And since Virginia suddenly declared tomorrow a state holiday and I have the day off, you all can join me as I suck down this rainbow assortment of hard seltzer! Let’s fuckin’ GO!!

Despite it being a joyous week for a LOT of people with two HUGE Supreme Court decisions, some of you wankers decided to fuck things up this week, and for that, people got violated.

VIOLATIONS:

  • Schrödinger’s Cock is being violated for trying to place rules on our group chat. Listen, Lumbergh, we’re not faxing those TPS reports to you because YOU’RE NOT OUR SUPERVISOR! I’m gonna send dick pics to WHOMEVER I please.

    Best Lumbergh GIFs | Gfycat

    Yeeeaaahh, this is a call to HR waiting to happen…

  • Piling on, Schrödinger’s Cock and Poon Apple Juice were violated for ruining pancakes for me FOREVER! You know what I saw, it’s all YOUR fault, and I’m never watching another amateur porn film festival with you AGAIN until two days from now, I already RSVPed, can’t wait.
  • Sir Lancelittle was violated for joining a pack of r*nners and deciding to walk. Come on you tall-ass bitch, what the fuck, use those long-ass legs to keep up instead of holding us short people back! #HeightPrivilege
  • Just Kirsten was violated for bringing warm beer to her quaranteam EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. Maybe the reason why you haven’t been named yet is because you don’t know what a goddamn cooler is!
  • Deetz Nutz is being violated for being a witch who is going to melt in the rain. Look, I don’t know who submitted that violation, but since it’s Pride Month, I wouldn’t mind if Deetz melted like butter all over me while Edward Sissy Hands licked it off. Look at those dreamy eyes, the Gay Agenda has TAKEN ME!

Sexy arms, yummy chests and lick-worthy abs on tour | Page 24 | Mens Tennis Forums

Re-enactment of me being taken by the Gay Agenda

  • Headshart is being violated for breaking international laws, destroying the environment, and upsetting the delicate ecosystem of an African savannah. For the love of God Headshart, you HAVE to give Pride Rock back to the Lion King.
  • Everyone who doesn’t own Rainbow attire in 2020. Even if you’re a terrible person and hate gay people, you probably believe you’re a descendant of Noah, and the rainbow was pretty fuckin’ important to him and his family.

But it wasn’t all bad! Some of you wankers really came through this week!

CUMMENDATIONS:

  • Cocktease Falcon was cummended for finally leaving her house for trail! For the past 12 weeks we had to check to see if she was re-using photos (Verdict: GUILTY!), but not this time! Time stamped today and everything!
  • Geriatric Mandering was cummended for her dedication to rigorously following the scientific method in pursuit of experimentation and finishing her bottle of champagne. We’re so proud of your dependability! When someone hands you something long and hard, you suck it down until it’s dry!
  • And finally, a great big commendation, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you who have let me perform terrible virtual standup comedy for you every single week throughout this time of global and national upheaval. Thank you all, and I hope to God for all of your sakes we don’t have to do this for much longer.

On-“I just assume everyone in EWH3 is pansexual and polyamorous until told otherwise”-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

When: Thursday, June 11th, 2020
Where: Wherever you happen to be
Hares: You!

I’m here to clear up some confusion..
Shanty
/ˈSHan(t)ē/
noun
A song sung by pirates in rhythm with their work

Shandy
/ˈSHandē/
noun

1. Beer mixed with lemonade or some other sweet carbonated beverage.
Fresh Grapefruit Radler (Shandy) Recipe | Serious Eats
2. A word that should be said when something cool happens or as an expression of excitement. (Ex: “That trail was shandy, bro!”)

3. Shower handjob

Danielle gave Fred a shandy after getting back from the beach, and made everyone mad they went over the ten minute shower limit.
4. A sexual act in which one person uses fecal matter as lubricant for giving a handjob.
You know what.. I think we’ve gone far enough down this rabbit hole.
Violations:

Much like the confusion above, there were some twins on trail causing others to double-take.

We had Headshart and Schrodinger’s Cock in a battle of the tartan.

Ready Player None and Kooter Kunte‘s seltzer, who both went prehistoric on this bitch.

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind and Ernest Hemingway duking it out to be the angstiest drunk on the boat.

Despite these battles royales, some people still managed to call individual attention to themselves:

Like Headshart who was seven cans deep and not even close – TRULY difficult to satisfy.

Skooter Kunte who posted seven pictures in the Google album, rounding up from the usual 6.9.

and everyone who brought beer to a seltzer show. Remember, if you can’t stick it in Seltzer, you can stick it in Cider!

With that, we all went back to sipping our White Claws in shame.

On – It’s like a Four Loco that went to private school – On
Poon-apple Juice (h/t CEotTK)

When: Thursday, June 4, 2020
Where: Wherever you happen to be
Hares: You!

Ah, pool parties. The epitome of summer fun.

Warm sun, cool water, lifeguards who are older than you but you’ll totally trick into making out..

Unsurprisingly, you all did some even dumber things, though..

Violations:

Close Encounters of the Turk Kind reminded us exactly why the ocean is so salty..

You scoundrel is that brandy?" / "Oh, no sir. Just water." : ArcherFX

The Cumburglar severely misunderstood protest protocol, but at least he got some tequila out of it.

Deetz Nutz had to take a 20 minute break after eating too many tacos.

Twaterboarding overdressed for the occasion, wearing three necklaces in a futile effort at modesty.

General Tso’s Dicken reminded us all that the sun never sets on a badass.

Honey Bunches of Cunt brought a handlebar mustache to a pool party, identifying himself as the Capital Bikeshare of the hash.

We were all remiss when the RA called for adult swim, as we realized there was not a true adult within a 6.9 mile radius. Alas, we were forced to retire our water wings and drown our sorrows.

On – No, not that kind of dive – On
Poon-apple Juice (h/t CEotTK)

WHEN: Thursday, May 28th, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: You!

Hello, Hellenistic Homies! Hera hopes you hastily hashed your happy hearts out, heaving habitual hibernation, heroically having healthy habits, and helping hospitable humans hydrate heavily! Hurl your hoodies, hammer Hermes with hummus, and humor Hyperion with Homerian horror in this hottest habitable humidity. Handle your hormones, horny hashers, and hold Helles high, here’s your scribe report!

Image

This week was our chance to celebrate Greek life, both in the ancient civilization sense as well as the college sense. Some of us broke out our togas, while some of us broke out our hoodies. Some of us drank fine wine, while some of us drank Natty Light. Some of us got wasted, while some of us got wasted.

Now, I spent way too much time doing math nerd shit in college to even get ASKED to join a fraternity, but I know enough your stupid-ass Greek Life rituals to know I wanted no part in that shit. I’m talking about YOU, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, I read ALL ABOUT how you guys shove frozen hot dogs up your pledges’ asses! Maybe the rest of you frat-heads aren’t so bad, but Greek life on my campus was a lot like giving a blow job after a dinner of steak and raw cabbage — it left a pretty bad taste in my mouth.

Monkey Rimshot Bored GIF - MonkeyRimshot Bored Ugh - Discover & Share GIFs

You have no choice but to deal with my shitty punchlines.

After 11 weeks of Virtual Trails, you people are STILL doing dumb shit, and for that, we have a round of VIOLATIONS!

  • Just Kirsten was violated for inadequate education in the maritime construction practices of ancient civilizations. You think that shirt says Greek Life, but the Dragon’s Head on the bow of the ship says it’s of Viking origin. Alpha Tau Omega is reeeaallly doing justice to their reputation for being too annoying to hang out with the cool frats but too dumb to hang out with the smart ones.
  • Mourning Wood was violated because he can’t hold his liquor. Look, I know they relaxed open container laws in DC, but you can’t get so drunk you try to whore yourself out by advertising your favorite sexual position – FACE DOWN ASS UP, that’s the way Mourning Wood likes to get fucked. Maybe next time don’t forget the olive oil for lube.

Thankfully, most of you have gotten the hang of this whole “Virtual trail theme” thing, and for once we have more cummendations than violations! Great job everyone! First up, a round of cummendations for those hashers who are living Greek lift properly.

  • Throbbin’ Hood was cummended for sufficiently bro-ing down for this week’s theme. I can’t wait to see you at the next Dave Matthew’s concert.
  • Schrödinger’s Cock and Poon Apple Juice were cummended for their matching attire. Both of those outfits scream “I stole this hoodie when I hooked up with a frat dude and he’s not getting it back.”
  • Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer is being cummended for achieving the goal of every frat bro in the world: getting that PUSSY!

Top 30 Frat Bro GIFs | Find the best GIF on Gfycat

Next, the REAL cummendations for everyone living that Ancient Greek lifestyle!

  • Geriatric Mandering was cummended for her appropriate and SEXY Medusa costume – just by looking at her I’m getting ROCK HARD!
  • Ready Player None and Greatest Ho on Earth were cummended for their awesome togas. I’ll have to remember to make my own out of my bedsheets instead of just donating them once they’re too crusty from cumstains to sleep on anymore.
  • Poon Tang Clan was cummended for properly worshipping Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, and for enriching our lives with this week’s winner of the Goodest Boi Award, Just Oliver!
  • Headshart was cummended for defeating Tyrion Lannister in a Trial by Combat to take her rightful place in the Greek pantheon. Bow before your new deity Headshart, Goddess of Tits and Wine!

i drink and i know things | Tumblr

On-Is Hashing Just a Non-College Fraternity?-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

WHEN: Thursday, May 21st, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: You!

Long Time No See’um: Foreskin

Shiggy socks are worn to protect the shins and knees of the wearer from thorns, mud, branches, or whatever else they run through. Seeing as this was a virtual trail and also Everyday is Wednesday, the risk of thorns, mud, branches, or whatever else was… minimal, at best.

So, what else could you use those shiggy socks for?

Face Mask

 

Ok, so you have to go buy groceries at some point, right? (Yes, liquor counts as groceries) Might as well pick out the least-smelly sock in your drawer and put it to good use.

 





Sock Puppet

 

 

Maybe you’re too shy to ask that cutie who posted in the Google album to your Zoom breakout sesh. Asock puppet might be the perfect messenger. And if they say no? You’ve already got someone to help keep you warm at night.

 






Makeshift Koozie

 

 

No one likes cold feet or warm beer. Avoid them both by using your unloved shiggies to hug your beer. We can’t promise it’ll taste better, but at least it’s not Malort?

 









Did you really think I’d include more than three suggestions? 

C’mon.. We all know you don’t own THAT many socks. Fix that by emailing your hab!

Violations: 

We started the night off with a massive group violation – OR commendation if it’s your thing, this is a no-judgement zone! – for creating the first Official Everyday is Wednesday Hash House Harriers Foot Fetish Photo Folder!

Tuck Tuck Deuce was violated for not showing enough skin.

Cocktease Falcon showed too much skin.

Poon Tang Clan chose socks that were really out of this world, while Skooter Kunte preferred the fruit of the Earth instead.

Around the World in 80 Lays proved her attraction to warm bodies, even if they’re Hilbillies, while Twaterboarding prefers the cold shiny metal stuff instead.

Seizure’s Phallus missed real-life hashing so much that he gathered an al-PACK-a of his own, while Close Encounters of the Turd Kind brought the trail to him.

Despite our best efforts, we were still at home, so we gathered our sock koozies and moseyed on back to quarantine.

On – Sock It To Me – On
Poon-apple Juice (h/t CEotTK)

WHEN: Thursday, May 14, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: You!

So, you’ve got a spirit. Don’t panic! We’re here to help you clean out your supernatural closet.

Step 1: Rule out non-paranormal sources of activity.
No matter how convinced you may be, bear in mind that your problem might not be otherworldly at all. In fact, there are plenty of things, from pests to noisy neighbors, that might lead you to believe you aren’t alone. It won’t hurt to find out if anyone next door has recently discovered a noisy new kink.

Step 2: Cleanse the space.
Burning sage, or smudging, is great first step.
Step 3: Speak up.
If cleansing didn’t solve your problem, you might need to take a more direct approach. Announce yourself when you come home and speak up when you feel your spirit’s presence. Liberal nudity will do wonders to scare away the most conservative of ghosts, while others may react more to loud vibrations or moans of your own.
Step 4: Take a stand (if you have to).
You’re dealing with a pretty powerful spirit if you’ve gotten to this step. There are plenty of …
oh.. wait.. not that kind of spirit?
Shit.

 

Violations:

Schrodinger’s Cock was violated for doubling up on the trail link, proving once and for all that he doesn’t really get double-teaming.

Twaterboarding outed all of MM in our plan to take over the world. But let’s be real, she can barely run a virtual circle, forget a totalitarian government.

Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer killed a school mascot. But we know that mascots aren’t real people, so with the right lawyer, those charges should get dropped down to littering.

Geriatric Mandering was violated for repeat costuming. You don’t wear varsity jackets to pep rallies, pep rallies are held during the day! You wear varsity jackets to football games so you can lay something down on the grass underneath the stands when you’re getting railed by the quarterback.

Jigglytits and F.A.R.T. visited the place where society seems to get fucked constantly, the U.S. Supreme Court. It’s weird those kids are having a mock commencement there, because I thought that building was for mock trials.

After a rousing rendition of some song that was probably out of tune, we all hit “Leave Meeting” and ghosted the RA.

On – I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts – On
Poon-apple Juice (ghost writing for CEotTK)

WHEN: Thursday, May 7th, 2020

WHERE: Your House!

HARES: You!

We’ve been locked away for a month and a half. There is no more fresh food left in our pantries. We only have delicious junk food left. It was time to celebrate those staple food items with long shelf lives and start ingesting them! Pull out those Cheetos and get crunching!

Chester Cheetah getting high

One way or another

We binged on artificially colored orange food today, and we hashed. Then we binged on more artificially colored orange food and drank a lot. Just another day in quarantine!

As always, some of you did stupid things on this Virtual Trail

FOOD-RELATED VIOLATIONS:

  • Kooter Kunte, Roll Over Bitch, and Periodic Fable were violated for going off theme and posting pictures of HEALTHY orange food. Get that shit out of my face, I only want the most artificial of flavors in my food today. Where the FUCK is my monosodium glutamate, my disodium phosphate, my thiamine mononitrate, my whey protein isolate? Where’s my Yellow 6, my annatto extract color, my monocalcium phosphate? Where are my carcinogens, my heart complicators, my diabetes concentrates, my artery solidifiers? Fuck off with that weak-ass health shit!
  • Tuck Tuck Deuce, don’t act like we didn’t see you with those Whole Wheat CheezIts, that’s health food-adjacent and still gets a violation!
  • Around the World in 80 Lays and Just John, don’t tell me how to schedule my poops with your Metamucil, get that stool softener out of my face, I eat snacks that clog up my butthole so that when I take my once-a-week shit, that shits rip my anus to shreds!

Questlove's "Symphonic Celebration of Prince" coming to Orlando - bungalower

Everyone’s collective reaction to hearing this much information about Turd Kind’s butthole, despite knowing how he got his name…

OTHER VIOLATIONS:

  • Quid Pro Blow was violated for color-blindness. The theme color was a shitty Presidential cheater, not a shitty one-balled cheater.
  • Son, What the Fuck? was violated for her raceist-adjacent attire. “The Balanced Athlete” is a slippery slope to “I have marathon stickers on my car.”
  • Infidellatio is being violated for having so much pent-up sexual energy, she thinks Cum Dumpling is a snack!
  • Similarly, Close Encounters of the Turd Kind is being violated for also being too pent up during this pandemic. He was almost arrested for excessive mastication.

But it wasn’t ALL bad, we have to give out some cummendations too!

CUMMENDATIONS:

  • A BIG cummendation to everyone who submitted violations this week! Thank you for participating and helping me write jokes, all 2 of you!
  • Just Caol Ila was cummended for being this week’s winner for Most Photogenic Hasher! Look at that cutie! Sorry Just Murray, try harder next time!
  • Deep Anal Horizon was cummended for his snack food presentation! Alright, I changed my mind about that health food shit I said earlier, suddenly I want THAT carrot to rip my anus to shreds!

Orange Vagina GIF - Orange Vagina - Discover & Share GIFs

OK Turd Kind, we all think you might need serious psychological help.

GROUP VIOLATIONS:

  • Everyone who has not yet purchased their new EWH3 face mask! This group violation brought to you by EHW3 Haberdasherie! We have masks for sale! They come in gray and burgundy! Email your Haberdasher today! Supplies are limited! And now back to your regularly scheduled violations!
  • Everyone who submits their pictures after 7pm because it makes it really hard for me to make jokes about you people. I’m looking at YOU, L’Chymen!
  • Everyone who has broken quarantine for a booty call. Double violation if it was group sex, because you didn’t invite me!
  • Everyone who DIDN’T go outside today, because they showed callous disregard for the hard work of the RA
  • Everyone who didn’t have Tacos on Taco Tuesday Cinco de Mayo

Shaq-Eating-Tacos-Taco-Bell-Commercial ⋆ BYT // Brightest Young Things

Please tell me COVID didn’t cancel Shaq Attack…

On-Why is my blood pressure so high?-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

When: Thursday, April 30th, 2020

Where: Wherever you happen to be

Hares: You!

According to petfinder, pet adoption inquiries jumped 116% in the first few weeks of quarantine. As we all sit in our homes, wondering why no one is judging us harshly or attempting to lick us in places that no tongue should go, let’s take a moment to marvel at all the cuties who are somehow even lonelier than we are:

(Note: All of these pets are currently available for adoption as of posting of this trash. If you find your new best friend, email us and let us know!)

Dolce

Much like the giraffe that Greatest Ho on Earth adopted as a child, Dolce is old and ready to settle down into retirement.

Mula

Much like Geriatric Mandering, Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer, Skooter Kunte, Stain Gretzky, and Poon Tang Clan, Mula probably loves to chase hairy pussies.

Yang

Ready Player None likes to spend time lounging in bed with women like Yang. Lucky for General Tso’s Dicken, she doesn’t get offended when things start to smell.. fishy.

FreezeFreeze is happy to learn, play, or chill on the couch, just not the casting couch They Blow Up So Fast and Maybe It’s Gaybelline have been showing off.

And finally..

the Hares!

Lola

Cinnabun

Matzoh

Delia

And with that, those of us who were lucky enough hugged our fluff butts just a little tighter (often against their will..)

On – Adopt, Don’t Shop – On
Poon-apple Juice (h/t CEotTK)