When: Thursday, December 26, 2019

Where:  Greenbelt Metro (Green Line)

Hares:  Special Head Kid, What’s A Boner?, and Please Step Away From The Whores

Virgins:  Just Sarah & Just Masha

Visitors: Honorable Vaginal Discharge (Boston); Private Snowball (Florida Happy Hour H3); Jolly Green Jizzer (NYC H3)

On-After: PSA’s hot tub

It was a romp through the burbs with all your favorites: train tracks, strip malls, gratuitous tunnels, curious neighbors, and accidentally approaching a WMATA van bc all white vans look alike… and all the messed up shit y’all did:

Violations

  • Honorable Vaginal Discharge admitted to putting herself into the Witness Protection Program in Okinawa to avoid being bibbed.  Let’s hope Trash doesn’t know how to read!
  • A violation for our runners’ hares, Special Head Kid and What’s A Boner for laying a trail so short and boring they both ran it twice to get enough of a post-Christmas workout.
  • Gunna Probably Spew was showing off to Jolly Green Jizzer: the secret to his speed isn’t hard work and practice, it’s his racing stripes.  You know, that line of hair that goes all the way from his chin to his dick!
  • Atari 6900 was violated for being the worst Songmeister ever.  Upon finding a song check, he sang only the first four words of a song and still managed to fuck it up.
  • And finally, a massive violation to the absolute clown car of a walkers’ trail, since literally every person piled into PSA’s car and didn’t even pretend to go on trail.

No naming, but we had two lady virgins and no immaculate conception so I’ll call that a Christmas miracle.

On – I came back from Jersey for this?! – on,

Stain Gretzky


When: December 19
Where: DuPont Circle Metro
Hares: General Tso’s Dicken, Cheech and Dong, Colliteral Damage, Deetz Nuts, GeriatricMandering, Poon-apple Juice, Ready Player None, Schrödinger’s Cock, Son What the Fuck?!
Virgins: None (you sluts!!)
Visitors: Two from Beijing H3
On-After: Town Tavern

So there I was, dear reader, having definitely remembered that I was supposed to Stunt Scribe this trail and very definitely not running dangerously late (which I would never do) to start in the middle of scenic and deadly Dupont Circle for General Tso’s Dickens’ celebratory Onesie Birthday Trail. For the purposes of brevity I’ll speed through what was no doubt a glorious opening circle in which the hares were probably already drunk and sang us a painfully unharmonious rendition of Joe the Button-man, but the birthday meat and potatoes is that someone shouted ON OUT and we scattered in all directions in pursuit of trail.

Like a gallant gentleperson not running late I let the FRBs find the “correct” route in a southwesterly direction, where we immediately got even weirder looks than usual from passersby in our onesie regalia. The hares laid us an immediate sweet little false then took us on a scenic tour of all three feet of Duke Ellington Park. After dipping down toward L St and finding it decisively too bougee for our tastes, some half-mind extolled the virtues of Milwaukee Jesus Water and then half of pack promptly forgot the third rule of hashing and almost got run over by a bus (myself included).

At some point soon after that we located a school that most definitely had walls, and the school-aged under-30s were told to work our young muscles and go find trail at the promised “under-30 check.” The fact that only one other hasher went to find trail with me heralded my sudden discovery that EWH3 may no longer be home to the “hot young twentysomethings near you” that I similarly was promised when I began hashing [here]. But such nightmares were purged by the splashing waters of Rock Creek, which we avoided like the plague because one does not show up to EW to make one’s feet moist in 30-degree weather. (Thursday is a hashing day, not a frostbite day.) It was here where many of my DFL-running compatriots were reminded that Running is Hard and Why Do We Do this and dropped significantly behind… or ahead… (My memory of my position relative to pack may have been impeded by the imminent arrival of a Shot Check, which tasted like the thousand-year-egg version of a White Claw. I blame Colliteral Damage, who made the bold claim that it was “gin and tonic.”)

Not long after that was a beer check in a cul-de-sac, aka the closest the millennials of EWH3 will come to tasting suburban life. It was there that I learned Doppelbanger struggles to remember the words for gloves despite remembering that Sioux Falls sucks, two visitors made absurd Breitbart-level claims that Beijing’s hash is superior, and Tuck and GFA had their own Ornery Old Man circle. (Reader, I was not invited. Maybe some day. Yikes.)

When asked to describe the status of her alcohol consumption, the General told me that she did not know any songs about drinking. Someone jogged her memory: “What about the song that goes ‘I’ve been drinking, I’ve been drinking?” to which General responded “YES THAT ONE.”

The remainder of trail was short and blurry, much like a bad night at Dan’s. Somewhere along the way a shot check showed us which of the older hash members have been practicing getting down on their knees, and Son What the Fuck and your humble scribe accidentally flirted with a carful of young-looking humans who were really curious to know what we were doing standing around with beverages in such a tiny traffic triangle with such a sketchy-looking human as Deetz. We responded that they must be very fun considering they had fit ten people into a vehicle the size of a SmartCar and they should come find us when they reached legal beverage consumption age before quickly running off to play in traffic. I could tell when we rapidly entered AdMo because the skeptical side-eyes of passersby turned into cheers, and on the wings of such admiration we beat Scrotal Recall to our final destination. Inevitably, as one does, we all gathered at Town to tell the hares how much we hated their trail.

In a brief, drunk reckoning of circle, we:
– Found out that our hares General Tso’s Dicken, Cheech and Dong, Colliteral Damage, Deetz Nuts, GeriatricMandering, Poon-apple Juice, Ready Player None, Schrödinger’s Cock, and Son What the Fuck keep a number of titillating things under their onesies, except several of them, who keep nothing under their onesies;
– Congratulated General Tso’s Dickens for surviving another lap around the sun. She initially failed to remember any other songs about drinking to describe her current mood, then after consulting her phone finally settled on “the one about shots. You know, it goes ‘shots shots shots'”;
– Asked our visitors if they were unzipped or uncut and determined that they were miraculously all single;
– Informed Beijing visitor Molotov Cock that he does not have to look like Daniel Craig in order to visit DC because only some of us are spooks, but we appreciate his dedication to the theme;
– Observed that Just Arthur‘s red shorts were exceptionally appropriate for a Miami Beach hash and possibly less so for a DC winter hash;
– Violated those whose age was less than the temperature outside (or something like that, you all got what I meant);
– Violated anyone who had allowed education to get in the way of their hashing over the last several months and was now taking a “winter” “break,” including Six From Behind and Gonna Probably Spew;
– Made some kind of joke about doctors’ examinations and the Pony Express (look I don’t made the jokes I just record the jokes);
– And sold four necklaces to George Stuffedanoctopus in the hopes that he will more slowly distribute them across the floors of hash bars in the future.

On-cuddliest trail of the year-on,

Stunt #Squadholes, aka Jigglytits

When: Thursday, December 12, 2019

Where:  Eastern Market Metro (Blue / Orange / Silver Line)

Hares:  Head Injury; Issues and Tissues, Rail Mary, Rosetta Bone, Special Red, and Unobtainium

Virgins:  Justs Dale, Ryan and Corey

Visitor:  some pudjam-curious harriettes from Hangover H3 – Justs Kiersten & Heather

On-After:  Trusty’s

Violations

  • Little Spermaid was having technical difficulties with her ugly sweater, repeatedly pressing her lazy right tit trying to figure out why it wasn’t turned on.  She also had her ass out on the street near the van at start. I know you can buy lots of things at Eastern Market but I’ve never seen a rump roast on sale there before!
  • Shamrock Your Cock was running late to trail in her very expensive shoes.  Mourning Wood showed himself in desperate need for some Queer Eye for the Hash Guy, mistaking Shamrock’s $500 shoes for crocs.  Go ‘head girl, Shamrock out with your crocs out.
  • Cum Dumpling was caught laying himself to rest on the Indian burial mounds at beer check.  I would violate him but he’s already gone. rip, fam
  • Just Dale just moved to DC and he’s really into cars and guns.  So, ya know, he must be packin’.
  • Woodsie ended up in circle again for wanted to make a suit out of Just Arthur’s skin.  BRO we seriously need to talk about your fashion choices.
  • And finally, I personally violated the hares for laying literally the boringest trail of the year that was so straightforward and not messed up that nobody submitted a single violation to me about it.

And in the humble hollow next to the dumpster and the train tracks we had a very solemn occasion and a Christmas miracle… a NAMING!!  Just Emily made herself come to the hash, but gets other people to make her come in the car on federal property.  She works for the Department of Defense, lost her virginity at Loyola in New Orleans and was thrilled she could tell her mom that she wouldn’t die a virgin.  She’d have a threesome with Captain America and Thor, of course, and I wrote something down about taping grapes to the wall. Sounds kinky. After a bunch of lackluster names, a champion rose to the top of the heap.  Henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing, Just Emily shall be known as The Cocktease Falcon!

On – you ever had a BLT on a grilled cheese? it will change your LIFE – on,

Stain Gretzky


When: 11/21/19

Where: Rosslyn

Hares: #Squadholes, Tik Tok it’s Dik O’Clock, Heaven’s Gape, Quid Pro Blow

Virgins: Just Emily, Just Laura, Just Ryan, Just Ray, Just Marline, Just Cooper (woof), Just Ike (woof)

Visitors: One Trick Dick (Syracuse, NY), Rock Sucker (Kigali, Rwanda), Goat Throat (Boston, MA)

Long-Time No-Sees: Poople’s Mountain Majesty, Keebler Shelf

On-After: Continental


What up, my glip glops! Close Encounters of the Rick Kind here, we had a great time getting schwifty at the Council of Ricks Hash!

However, some of you were acting like total Jerrys out there, especially when it came to navigating space and time, so here are some violations in the form of Jerry Awards:  

Violations:

– Tony Panda was almost late for trail and was overheard saying “Rick and Morty can travel through time, we can’t!” Real Ricks can travel through time and space, why didn’t you use your portal gun?

– Mourning Wood punched in last week’s coordinates for Brew Crew. We almost didn’t get velocitinis at Beer Check. Did Evil Rick hack your portal gun, or have you been hanging out with Doofus Rick too much?

– Heaven’s Gape needed three Mortys to help him navigate the walkers trail.

– One of you Jerrys got confused and asked a homeless person for a shot, thinking it was a shot check.

– Jiggly Tits was called out for needing help traversing a spherical art installation. At least we know that when it comes to their commitment to hash shenanigans, they really goes BALLS DEEP!

– One of you crazy Summers was seen pole dancing on a pirate ship in the park. If she keeps up that booty shaking, that won’t be the ONLY stiff mast around here HIYOOOO!

– Group violation: everyone who didn’t properly follow trail and go down the slide in the park. Real Ricks don’t skip out on adventure!

And finally, Geriatric Mandering, for literally having a name with Jerry in it – my daughter is too good for you Jerry, you’re worthless! I’M the master of this household!* 

*Seasons 1-3 only

Alright, that’s all for this week I’m gonna go take a shit.

On-WubalubadubDUUUUB-On
CEotTK

When: Thursday, October 31, 2019

Where:  NoMA Gallaudet Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Colliteral Damage, Vladimir’s Fruitin’, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystac

Virgins & Visitors: literally none, more Twinkle Juice for me!!!

On-After:  Last Call (which is delightfully divey)

Violations

  • Our intrepid alpha hare Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was egged by teenagers upon arriving to beer check.  There was some disagreement about the beer check location but I think it was an eggscellent choice.  I heard some of the eggs didn’t break upon impact which sounds eggscruciating. Frankly the nerve of those mean kids was just eggstraordinary!
  • Meanwhile, Deetz Nuts was getting the ladies on their knees… to suck out of his titties!  Seriously considering changing his name to Deetz Teetz or Teetz Nutz.  I think the left one was tastier, in my humble scribe opinion.
  • Twinkle remarked that he was covered in beer and feeling a little yeasty.  Is that why the TJ on the table at end circle was so chunky?? *gags* 
  • The hares ran the whole pack through my back alley and didn’t come around front to say hi to my pussy. Rude.
  • This Dirty Banana showed up to trail in an apeeling costume (a WIE 2019 vintage) only to find that Twinkle wore the same outfit as me!  Honestly this whole trail is CANCELLED and everyone should go home and let me drink the rest of the TJ myself.

No naming as the skies were literally about to burst open upon us and we all scuttled off to Last Call like that rat Pinocchi-ho kicked last time we were in NoMA.

On – no one needs to know that my Friday “mental health day” was for my TJ hangover – on,

Stain Gretzky


When: Thursday, October 17, 2019

Where:  Tenleytown Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Colliteral Damage, GeriatricMandering, Deathly Swallows, Rail Mary, All Flash No Drive, Rosetta Bone, Tacos On A Bridge

Virgins:  Just Elsa & Just Stephanie

Visitor:  Dr. Mouthful of Clam (he doesn’t go here anymore!) & Lieutenant Dan The Swing Bang Man (Okinawa!)

On-After:  Tenley Bar and Grill

Violations

  • Just Arthur was persecuted for being a vessel thief!  As my esteemed co-scribe threatened him – if you mess with the squad, you get the holes.
  • Speaking of #SquadHoles, that mofo was wearing a raceist Baltimore Running Festival shirt.
  • Just Jessie collided with a police officer on a bicycle.  I mean I know we all wanna bang strippers but ok maybe that’s taking it a little far.
  • The Cumburglar said that he doesn’t like jell-O shots because it feels like 3 blow jobs in his mouth.  I am concerned that he both 1) failed sex ed as a child and 2) is going to get arthiritis in his jaw like Kobayshi, the hot dog eating champion.
  • Tragic Carpet Ride tried to pay his hash cash with a roll of quarters.  I was just relieved that for once he was trying to give someone a roll of actual currency and not his penis.
  • Rail Mary tried to get all of the walkers lost by navigating them away from the shot check.  Cause honestly the only thing scarier than running this trail is having to run it again…

At some point later, which may or may not have been the same day, or may or may not have been at MM Recruitment HH at Town Tavern we had a very solemn occasion… a naming!!!  Recounted here below by #SquadHoles:

While many rejoiced at the idea of helping out the hash for another year… a plot was afoot to rename an unbaptized Just Jessie! After many of your fellow hashers were done drinking their fill and signing up to help out our kennel in various ways, the opportunity for a solemn occasion arose and we got to learn more about Just Jessie, dogmom to my favorite beer bitch, Just Bodhi. While the idea of her falling asleep on every surface of the bar, various hash events and an alleged college exam floor mid test played into many of the name suggestions like Sleepy Swallows and Goodnight Poon. Her tales of being a road promoter for various bands ultimately led to a story about Ke$ha being, “voluntold” to remove the bottle jack from her tummy and proceed onstage. Just Jessie accomplished her task and after 7 minutes in Ke$ha the show went on. But like all good things it was time to name this betch! Like the famous Ke$ha song and one of Stain Gretzky’s favorite sayings… her name had to be Tik Tok it’s Dik O’Clock.

On – DID U KNOW THERE’S A WAWA IN TENLEYTOWN NOW – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, October 10, 2019

Regular Trail 

  • Minnesota Ave (Orange) @ 6:45 pm
  • Hares: Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me… etc.!
  • Virgins: Just Andy
  • Visitors: AARPenis, Fister Roboto, Drillbert, Moremen Pukes Tonight

Ballbuster Trail

  • Capitol Heights (Blue) @ 5:30 pm
  • Hares: All Flash No Drive, Special Head Kid, Goldman Ballsachs, By the Power of Gayskull, Quid Pro Blow
  • Virgins: Just Allen
  • Visitors: Six From Behind (from Syracuse!)

On-After:  DC Eagle

Violations from Double Scribe Tag Team on top of a pile of dirt under a bridge aka Slut Mountain

  • La Gingeracha brought a trio of rubber chickens to trail for BB.  Not only was he caught choking them at beer check, he also got the new kids to put them into their pants making it the first time in 2019 someone touched LG’s cock.
  • Just Allen asked someone where he should put his cock.  I think either of our RAs were available, frankly.
  • You Can’t Handle The Poop nearly ran over a muggle exiting a library on trail.  We get it bro, you’re swole, doesn’t mean you need to body slam nerds to prove it.
  • Quid Pro Blow took it into a hole on trail and ended up all bloody.  Good to know he’s into period sex.
  • Beer check for the ballbusters was next to some soiled mattresses in the bushes.  Wow, RDR committee really splashed out for the hotel this year!
  • SchroCo was the perviest recipient of a tit check, looking around like Golem trying to find his previous.
  • Just Arthur was violated for nearly killing an old ass muggle on the Anacostia River Trail in the dark.  He was definitely confused with last week’s trail – it was supposed to be in Hyattsville on the Florida Man trail that we bumped off some old people.
  • What’s A Boner was reliving his WIE BB fantasy where he found a deer skull in the woods by chasing down a live deer so that he could affix its skull to his crotch.
  • AARPenis skipped a fish hook, ignoring Edub tradition.  It’s true what they say, without rules we’re all just a bunch of old dicks.
  • The ballbuster hares were violated for being the most Type A uptight DC hares for having a minute-by-minute tick tock for their trail.  They shortened it but it was still long enough for me and I give it a perfect 10 (miles). Also, I was WEARING NEW SHOES the whole time and nobody noticed.  Bwahahaha!!!

No naming, but it was leather night at DC Eagle so I’m sure someone ended up on their knees in the middle of a circle of people.

On – nice day for a red wedding – on,

Stain Gretzky & #SquadHoles


When: Thursday, September 26, 2019

Where:  Union Station Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  General Tso’s Kitten, (Lickin’) Deetz Nutz, Geriatric Meow-ndering, Tail Mary, Mew-mbo # Hives, Schrödinger’s Cat (maybe alive?)

Virgins:  none!

Visitor:  Mike Man from Seoul, Drop and Tug from Yerevan Armenia, Amerigo Vespoogie from Seattle

On-After:  Union Pub

Violations

  • Deep Anal Horizon was violated for becoming the alpha of a new feral cat colony by making his territory all over beer check.
  • Allegedy, Tragic Carpet Ride ran half a block on trail.  You’ve gotta be kitten me.
  • Cum Dumpling was violated because, just like a cat, he is so flexible he can lick his own butthole and, just like a cat, he made eye contact with anyone who dared challenge him while he decided to do this in the middle of a busy H St intersection.
  • Just Gautham looked around at beer check like this wasn’t the friggin’ cat trail and expressed surprise that somebody had “cleaned up” the dead mouse that was there the last time we used that beer check spot.
  • #SquadHoles was violated for freely calling himself a pig on trail.  I mean seriously, that man is a walking roast.
  • Special Red was exceptionally well prepared for trail tonight – with his running flip flops tied on with yarn he was prepared for a cat-toy related emergency at any moment.
  • And finally, a violation for the hares, because the only thing more terrifying, upsetting, and ill-planned than that trail was the trailer for the new Cats movie.

On – check meowt – on,

Stain Catzky

When: Thursday, September 12, 2019
Where: Capital South Metro (Blue/Orange)
Hares: Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Hungry Hungry Homo, All Flash No Drive, Split Her Bare, Sphincter Shy, and Wank Like An Egyptian
Virgins: Just Chris, Just Tintin, Just Mike, Just Tess, Just Kimberly
Visitors: Just Erin

I mean, yea… Recycling is pretty dope, but you know what the BETTER option is?

REUSE!

One man’s trash is another man’s attire. Just check out..

Mambo Number Hives, who didn’t need to remind us of how sweet she is.

Rosetta Bone, her own biggest fan

Goldman Ballsachs, who is proud of his new job at Monsters Inc. He knows that showing his cock is the best way to make little girls scream. Or was it giggle..?

Schrodinger’s Cock, advertising the fact that he doesn’t have a floppy disk.

Cum Locker, who forgot to send out her wedding invites. Although, that’s not the only reason no one came that night.

Violations (and Cummendations)

Just Erin really wanted to donate her pickle to Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer. Not the first time she’s heard that line. And definitely not the last.

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind was so jealous that we were able to get dates, he ditched all of his (calendars, that is).

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was cummended for re-routing trail to a safe space, complete with a beer check near a dumpster. Perfect for your repurposed ABC costume.

At this point in the evening, we were full of Twinkle Juice™ and bad intentions, so we took the next logical step toward a very solemn occasion…

THE NAMING OF JUST KAREN

Just Karen would like to see your manager. A lawyer and immigration advocate from Fordham, she made herself cum with foreign influence, but not before being detained while naked in Panama City. Just Karen had her most mind-blowing orgasm with the main character from Magic Mike, despite his awkward boner. She tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.. unless you’re her boss. This Twitter Troll “doesn’t do the porn thing much,” however she takes Alice In Wonderland erotica recs from Trump himself. No longer dressed as a dead hooker, Just Karen treated us to a bedtime story of sorts: Once upon a time, she fucked her best friend’s boyfriend’s twin… over. By spilling his beans (and maybe flicking hers?). Despite her affinity for letting dogs in her mouth, it was ultimately her embarrassment surrounding her lesbian desires that led to name her…

After a lot of confusion, the pack gathered at an On-After. I didn’t make it because I’d been Twinkled and used all my money making a dress. I’m sure it was just dandy.

On – Dolla Dolla Bill Y’all – On
Poon-apple Juice

When: Thursday, September 5, 2019

Where:  Pentagon City Metro (Blue / Yellow Line)

Hares:  Roll Over, Bitch; You Can’t Handle the Poop; sKooter Kunte; Tragic Carpet Ride

Virgins:  Just Erin

Visitor:  Just John from Springfield, Just Liz from Eugene OR, Just Suzanne from who cares, and Semen For Vegan from Boulder

On-After:  not Freddie’s

Violations

  • ROB and You Can’t Handle The Poop! were violated because they’re clearly getting more sartorially conservative in their old age.  These hares weren’t wearing jorts. Those hemlines were so low it was more like… japris or j-clamdiggers.
  • Tragic Carpet Ride was violated for wearing a pair of daisy dukes that literally stopped traffic… because he walked the entire pack into oncoming traffic.
  • Tony Panda accidentally snitched himself for autohashing when he said that he knew walkers’ trail was 3 miles cause that’s what the odometer said.
  • The Virginator was violated because after the 5 cups of coffee he had that day I decided to just let him come into circle instead of continuing to shout over every single thing I was saying.
  • And finally, a violation to beer bitch Just Perry because that sweet summer child had the naivety to ask me and Poon-apple Juice if we get permits to run circles.

No naming!  Byeeeeeee

On – feeling my Canadian tuxedo fantasy – on,

Stain Gretzky