So, no one would volunteer to flash. I tried bribery, I tried threats, and then eventually, I tried to take photos.
As promised, a one-in-a-lifetime joint Scribe/Flash masterpiece, only available at this link.
On – I told you this would happen – On
Poon-apple Juice
When: Thursday, May 19, 2022
Where: Gallery Place (Red/Green/Yellow)
Hares: Colliteral Damage, General Tso’s Dicken, Stain Gretzky, Mouthful of ClamVirgins: Just Christina
Visitors: Put It Black In Me
Schitt’s Creek is a heartwarming rags to riches story about a band of merry fellows who ascribe to the mantra of “dress for the life you want” and believe in the power of manifestation above all.
Haunted by a Blockbuster-sponsored past, the entire family unit is forced to move to a town almost as shitty as this trail. Along the way they learn about family, friendship, and feminism. This sneak peak into the lifestyles of the formerly-rich & the not-so-famous reminds us all to appreciate the things we have in life, like…
Our shoes: Special Red’s help him to be a smooth operator.
Our education: Bipolar Bear may not know what sound the letter “X” makes, but at least he also doesn’t know when to use one while laying trail.
Our beer: The Brew Crew kept us hydrated with a variety of ales, lagers, and everything in between.
The food on our plates: Close Encounters of the Turd Kind made sure we were all satisfied with his corny jokes.
Then, some things we’re less grateful for:
Violations
In true panda fashion, Tony Panda showed little interest in procreation.
Our beer bitch, Just Patrick, failed to provide a snail trail.
And a few in the pack wore wigs, showing that they had such little faith in our hares that they had to bring their own.
After wrapping up our circle sans-slugs, we were off to enjoy a cold Chinese food buffet and warm beer.
On – Ew – On
Poon-apple Juice
When: Thursday, April 28, 2022
Where: Stadium-Armory (Orange/Blue/Silver)
Hares: Maybe It’s Gaybelline, Mouthful of Clam, Boom! Goes the Vaginamite, Just Hannah
Virgins: Just Pete, Just Grant
Visitors/Long Time No See’ums: Vagina is for Lawyers, Cocko Bell Grande, Bulletproof Boobs, Tuneless, Lick James Bitch
Humpty Dumpty woke up on Thursday
Humpty Dumpty found a trail to lay
And all of the Kingsman hashers
And the Kingsman RA
Violated them badly
So they down-downed all day
Violations
London Bitches Going Down was searching for a bear to replace his honey.
Boom Goes the Vaginamite channeled his inner Amber Heard, backpedaling through most of walkers’ trail.
Special Red was caught gate keeping environmental activism.
Just Bodhi peed on a friend and #SquadHoles recounted the story in Pig Latin.
Screaming Pussy yelled out the wrong name.
We saw the longest naturally occurring Virgin Centipede known to DC.
And Special Red’s virgin gangbang was a rousing success.
It was a long night with no namees in sight, so we departed for Biergarten House, where your scribe dropped a chicken wing on her foot.
On – What a Saucy Trail – On
Poon-apple Juice
Oh. My. Gispert.
It had been way too long since we set eyes on the shining streets of Ocean City and roamed the hall of the Castle once again.
The weekend began with trail, which reminded us all that GPS was not as prevalent in the 80’s. Once (most of) the pack made it back, we destroyed the Noid before departing for the Sandbar.
Whilst there, we were serenaded by the masses, enjoying classics such as:
Total Eclipse of the Heart
Don’t Stop Believing
I Love Rock n Roll
As midnight drew near, some intrepid explorers trekked their way to Seacrets, where they paid even more money to be ignored by bartenders.
When we awoke (and I use that term lightly) the next morn, we had been transported back to 2020 for a day filled with Reigning and Pouring. Ballbusters piled into cars at an unnecessarily early hour, the coffee maker overflowed (twice), and a very hungover Blow Up ate half a dozen eggs.
Trail once again reminded us that the hares don’t really know how to use a compass, but eventually the whole pack (plus a Ballbuster?) arrived at Pit & Pub for a beer check where the crew was actually happy to see us. After drinking my weight in crushes, we were treated to an extra special deck pic.
The bonfire was as spicy as ever, as we elected our Rear End Loader – Head Injury! His inability to sit, stand, or fall over without accidentally falling over was unparalleled.
We regaled one another with tales of the past 24 hours, noting some stupendous
Violations
Silver Spooge tried to push the limits on the “gravy on anything” policy, proving his love for being covered in hot liquids.
Burlington Ho Factory played Marco Pole-ho with her undergarments.
A mystery text appeared on the scribe line, stating “If you motherfuckers bury me with a tampon, I’m haunting you!” We late found out who this was, but I’ll let your imagination wander.
Mourning Wood ensured that his “stick” was vegetarian.
Just Jarely announced her discovery of the elusive pizza-flavored dick.
3 West brought no patience to WIE, prelubing at a brew thru.
Seriously 5-10 was literally cited for jaywalking. Just like him to misread the signals.
We didn’t start the fire, but it was still burning, so we took the opportunity to welcum a very special occasion…
The Naming of Just Jarely
This flexible little thang is not a hunter, but a gatherer. She has been gifted many things in her life, from a purple rechargeable “item” to performance anxiety. Her one night stands are multilungual, as she likes it perro style. She takes things offline with her employees often, but can’t remember their names, so she just calls them Daddy. Mrs. Flintstone here can make your bed rock and aims to make a man out of Shang. With all of that fodder, it was her desire to fuck a clam on a scooter that led her to be named…
That’s not all!
The Naming of Just Steve
A real python, Just Steve likes it messy. Whether its sex in a car or hippy-lingus on the Magic School Bus, the shame is enough to make him regret his latest internship. Just Steve once farted loudly in English class, solidify his mastery of the language, and sharted quietly at a party, solidifying his underwear. All it takes to give him a boner is a well-timed pick-up line or a shotgun in Delaware. It was this explosive moment that led to his eventual moniker…
After a short recess to refill our vessels and empty our minds, we gathered once again for…
The Naming of Just Erin
Just Erin was boring in high school, despite wearing a uniform like a poorly animated cartoon character. She’s managed to fulfill all her wildest fantasies, including servicing the Navy, but has somehow avoided a threesome. She’s a fan of sexy bottoms, but would make an exception for Captain America. Open to the whims of the algorithm, Just Erin fucks short men, vampires, and … bees? At the end of the day, her fortunate interaction with a barrel chicken resulted in the name…
Three names richer than before, we retired to the Castle for burritos and naps.
Later that evening, we were treated to the nectar of the Gods during our Iron Bartender contest. The competition was fierce, but one emerged victorious. The Defense Breasts’s spicy mango shot brought all the dragons to the yard.
After a night in the dungeon, we awoke back in 2022. Some attempted a fat boy trail, traveling from their rooms to “breakfast.” Others simply hit the road. This scribe found her way back to DC after a delightful meat-filled breakfast. And then we all had to work on Monday.
On – We’re Going Back… – On
Poon-apple Juice
When: Thursday, April 7, 2022
Where: Union Station (Red)
Visitors: None
Virgins: None
Hares: Pinocchi-Ho, Special Red, Quid Pro Blow, Split Her Bare, and someone else who I didn’t write down because I rely too heavily on trail announcements and I now regret that
Freaky Friday is a 2003 film, based on a 1976 film. But we’re here to talk about the one with Jamie Lee Curtis, because holy shit what a ride.
Angsty teen Lindsay Lohan has a mom who just “doesn’t get it.” Always harping on about her grades, her hair, and her band, this mama bear just needs to let her cub leave the den. After some Chinese magic (or some LSD laced fortune cookies), Lil Lo and JLC find themselves inside of each other.
Jamie Lee thinks being a high school girl will be a walk in the park, but is put in her place by a sexist teacher (aren’t they all?) who is still salty about not getting any at prom. She sabotages her daughter’s potential relationship and ruins another student’s life, or at least her GPA.
Meanwhile, Lohan (in the body of the elder, I’m so lost here) commits insurance fraud, embarrasses herself on national TV, and hits on a high school boy.
Back in the Chinese restaurant where it all began, the ladies share a toast and commit a few acts of self(less) love, swapping them back before a teenager is forced to consummate a marriage with her own step-father.
Later, Lil Dicky wrote a song about it. It’s way better than the movie.
Anyway, I think this was the inspiration for this trail, since no one knew who they were or what they were supposed to be doing.
Violations
Geriatric Mandering forgot she wasn’t GM anymore.
Just Nube thought she was a hare, leaving more marks than the actual hares.
Tuck Tuck Deuce extended his own duties to include walker hare, hearding cats through alleys.
Mouthful of Clam mistook himself for Oreho and showed up looking like a snack.
Ginja Ninja relived his virgin days, solving a Just check even though he was terrified.
Even Generals Farm Animal was more confused than normal, accidentally ending up on trail instead of at opening day.
This lack of theme also had your scribe confused as we dove into a round of…
Commendations?!?
Split Her Bare proved her commitment to the stick, reminding up that when things get slippery, you should go low and slow.
When faced with a lack of holes, Just Davina took matters into her own hands.
The WIE survivors showed Christ-like tendencies. For three days, everyone thought they were dead, but there they were… risen again.
And just like that, we found ourselves on the way back to Wundergarten, where we definitely didn’t make fools of ourselves.
On – Turn this bitch sideways – On
Poon-apple Juice
When: Thursday, March 17, 2022
Where: Union Station (Red)
Visitors: None
Virgins: None
Hares: 9021-Ho, Skooter Kunte, Just Jarely, No Strings Attached
In 1964, General Mills challenged their employees to Make Cereal Exciting Again ™ and one Irishman rose to the occasion. By combining the worst cereal and the worst candy, John Holohan proved that the whole can indeed be greater than the sum of its parts.
Unfortunately, that was not the case for this trail..
Fun fact: these are called marbits.
Violations!
Just Shannon admitted to utilizing a fluffer to prepare for shot check. What can we say? Leprechauns ARE solitary creatures, but even sometimes they need a helping hand.
Special Red voiced concerns about Ukrainian wheat production, but he can rest assured.. there was no real wheat in any of the beverages on trail.
9021-ho was overheard asking NSA where he gets his very conservative shorts.
A few wankers channeled their inner (Mc)Donald by wearing Orange, but no green. Maybe they’re color blind?
The walkers convinced the hare to Irish Goodbye first half of trail, proving the lure of shots is too strong to ignore.
Just Kaki‘s knowledge of cow assholes (and regular assholes) led to a loud announcement by Knocked Up.
The hares remembered to include three shots to highlight the three stripes of the Irish flag and the three varieties of the Irish: sour & angry, nutty, and Jameson.
The pack then took inspiration and separated into three groups of their own….
Some went home.
Some huddled inside Hamilton’s, for cheap shots of Jameson and not-so-green beer.
And the rest gather around for a very solemn occasion..
The Naming of Just Shannon
Some time ago, two old men lured Just Shannon to the hash, promising her three favorite things: energy, safety, and compliance. We Are! …. Not those things. Luckily, this lover of running found her place in the walkers’ pack. Turns out she had used up her energy chasing cops for interrupting car sex and is still recovering from breaking her foot and hymen simultaneously. This peacemaker once punched a large man, and a five year old. She would fuck an octopus, but somehow hasn’t considered Aquaman a viable suitor. My notes get fuzzy, but luckily The Cumburglar! was on his game, saving the day by suggesting…
Then, like the lands of Ireland, we united once again in the bar. Some of us even brought all of our belongings with us.
On – Is this also a Canadian Pop band reference? – On
Poon-apple Juice
When: Thursday, February 24, 2022
Where: Mt. Vernon Square/Convention Center (Green/Yellow)
Visitors: None
Virgins: Just Alex, Just Armand, Just Liz
Hares: Poon-apple Juice, Close Encounters of the Turd Kind, 9021-ho, Cocktease Falcon
Throughout history, there have been many great pairs…
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Mary Cate and Ashley Olsen
Mario and Luigi
Rocky and Bullwinkle
Ren and Stimpy
Penn and Teller
Bert and Ernie
None of them were at this trail, though.
Neither was Scrotal’s back passenger wheel…
After two rounds of Jubilee, having done two shots of Fireball in my tutu, we moved onto our two rounds of…
Violations
As the only Gen X-er in circle, George StuffedAnOctopus was in need of friends. You know that one is indeed the loneliest number.
What’s a Boner did not teach his virgin anything so she had to learn it all online. We all know how damaging that can be, especially Ready Player None.
Just Armand self-named himself and Bearfucker brought the Jackhammers.
And then there was General’s Farm Animal…
At start, this intrepid hasher was mistaken for a kangaroo, as Just Alex stuck his hand right into that front pouch. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much for that thirsty virgin to find.
When later asked to help sing a song, GFA requested time for some “at home experience,: leading us to believe he mistakenly thought he had been offered a nudie magazine.
When GFA finally did grace our ears with his song, his professionalism was called into question. However, he should be commended for picking up a new hobby in retirement – Tibetan throat singing is all the range in the homes these days. #throatGOAT
We have to acknowledge his caretakers this evening,
Slappy for helping him dress,
Just Shannon for toileting support,
And George StuffedAnOctopus for walking him out to yell at the clouds.
The temperature had dropped below 22 so we two-stepped it over to Tall Boy, for, well.. tall boys.
Oh, and beers too, I guess..
On – 2Drunk2Text – On
Poon-apple Juice
When: Saturday, February 20, 2022
Where: Silver Spring Metro (Red)
Visitors: It’s Maryland, we’re all visitors here…
Virgins: None
Hares: Ginger Snatch, Atari 6900, Glue Factory Gum Job
Picture, if you will, a young Poon-Apple Juice. The year is 1999 and this chipper 8 year old has returned from a grueling day of third grade. Capri Sun in one hand, TV guide magazine in the other, she flips to today’s page and lets out a wistful sigh as she checks the schedule for her favorite channel.
4:00 EST
Kablam!
Featuring special guest The Virginator. Dressed to impress, his suit brings comic relief to this cartoon variety show. This is somehow not the weirdest thing to happen.
4:30 EST
Angry Beavers
Ass Spelunker’s proclivity for non-sighted procreation leads to Late Night Driver Thru’s beaver becoming particularly incensed.
5:00 EST
Rugrats
The youngest in the bunch, Burlington Ho Factory must fight the urge to drink from a bottle.
5:30 EST
Are You Afraid of the Dark? – “Oh, thank God we have Coors Lite!” With guest star Cum Dumpling
6:00 EST
Blues Clues –
Turkey Twat is missing! Can Steve follow the Prince to find him in time for AGM??
6:30 EST
Animorphs
Any Cock’ll Do Me grapples with his new reality as he learns to control the transition from boy to tiger – and back.
7:00 EST
Knocked Up hosts Nick at Nite.
Content with the selection, Poon-apple flops onto the couch and tunes in. Another night closer to Y2K, but without a care in the world.
On – 
– On
Poon-apple Juice
When: Thursday, July 22, 2021 The Robin Sparkles Hash Trash #1247
Where: Smithsonian Metro (Orange/Blue/Silver)
Visitors: All Abscess Pass
Virgins: None that I took note of
Hares: Mouthful of Clam, Ready Player None, and Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer
Did ya’ll see that scooter collision at the opening circle? Whew! For once, some calamity happened on trail that couldn’t be pinned on me! Lol! (All jokes aside- low key h/t to He*d Injury for having some bandages and alcohol wipes in his pack so we could rush over and help them!)
Ontari-oh..Oh! OH! My goodness wasn’t that trail superb though? Our very own Hare Razor, Mouthful of Clam restored some gosh darn great kindness and civility to the hash with this trail. It was just so gosh darn beautiful, eh?
Somewhat related to kindness and civility, we had to violate (or Cummend?) one of our long-time-no-seeer, Goldman Ballsack! He was accused of planting an ice cream truck on trail and literally creamed half the pack.
Lickthiologist caught a whiff of Tiny Dancer’s drink at said ice truck stop and was like… does that have alcohol in it? No, we’re just accustomed to oranges and mangos coupled with rum… like mother truckin’ pavlov’s dogs or something…
Speaking of furry animals on trail…The hares were called out for planting not SINGLE beaver check! I wasn’t mad. Just disappointed.
Knocked Up and Just Graciela were violated for discussions about a group discount… group discount to what? You waxer? J/k it was a marathon group. Eww. Yuck. Gross.
Speaking of r*ceists…we nabbed Just Nick for r*cist attire on trail. I later found out he was just reppin for his school but whatevs. Looked pretty racey to me!
Our visiting San Diego hasher (All Abscess Pass) received a major cumendation for giving #SquadHoles a pep talk about married life… apparently you can buy wedding rings in packs now… you know… to go with your various outfits? “But the ones that are like, *this big* (Gestures by making an ‘O’ ring with hands) … are NOT for your ring finger. Lol. Good times!
Aaaaaannnnnd with that, SKOOTER OUT!
Back to your regularly scheduled program… THIS WEEK’S TRAIL!
On-see you trash pandas soon-On,
s/Kooter Kunte
Trail: The Spice World Trail #1245
When: Thursday, July 8, 2021
Where: Columbia Heights Metro Area
Visitors: N/a
Virgins: N/a
Hares: Poon Apple, Burlington Ho Factory, They Blow Up So Fast, Slurpy the Big Mouth Lass and General Tso’s Dicken
Whew! What a whirlwind of a week you guys! The busy bees and beavers have been working tirelessly behind the scenes at Everyday is Wednesday to ensure your summer ROCKS in every sense of the word…and now, onto hash trash from last week!
Cocktease Falcon was an early violation (or cumendation?) on trail for flashing us her poka dots… poke on poke, amiright? But she scampered off early before we could properly all her into circle for her down down.
Speaking of things we hope to poke, can I get the hares out here please? The hares are serving up some spice girl realness tonight and I would like to invite anyone and everyone channeling their best Sporty spice, baby spice, scary ginger or posh tonight…. Girl Power Social!!
I am so glad our trail did not get shut down b4 it even began… violation or again, a cumendation to the hares for catching the eye of Washington’s finest while setting trail back in CoHi. “No we do not require a police escort to beer check but yes! You can call me later!” (Dibs on the one that looked like a compact Jason Momoa!)
This violation is for PSA… before trail, in effort to brighten everyone’s spirits before embarking on the night’s super soggy trail, I was saying maybe we should all dress up as Megan Thee Stallion’s back up dancers and really just lean into our inevitable WAP status… PSA replies, “who?!” When Gen Xers and Millennials collide, amiright?
I had to shout out my girl, Issues with Tissues because at one point, she was heard exclaiming on trail that she could not get any wetter during that slippery beer check if she tried. Gentlemen? Laaaaadies? Uh, challenge accepted! *wink*
But the real wet a** violation award has to go Cum Burgler and Gaybeline for rocking that slide at beer check in tandem and effectively supplemented my spank bank for the next week or two. Hey-yo!
Vincent Van Goh F*ck myself and Fingererer were violated for that mighty spill they each took on trail….
Basement Boy Toy was violated for chivalry on trail. He offered to hold Whoregon Trail’s beer so she could also go play on the beer check slide. Teamwork makes the cream work, people. TEAMWORK!
Lastly…. did ya’ll hear there was a NAMING ON TRAIL?!?! Yes yes, our dear Just Nele finally earned her final stripes. Or something.
For reasons (not) outlined above… some very close runners up were The Great DANEal and Bicurious George… but! Throughout the world of hashing…except Great Falls, f*ck them! Just Nele shall be known as….Bundaslickher !
On-Keep it Spicy-On,
sKooter Kunte