When: Thursday, September 26, 2019

Where:  Union Station Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  General Tso’s Kitten, (Lickin’) Deetz Nutz, Geriatric Meow-ndering, Tail Mary, Mew-mbo # Hives, Schrödinger’s Cat (maybe alive?)

Virgins:  none!

Visitor:  Mike Man from Seoul, Drop and Tug from Yerevan Armenia, Amerigo Vespoogie from Seattle

On-After:  Union Pub

Violations

  • Deep Anal Horizon was violated for becoming the alpha of a new feral cat colony by making his territory all over beer check.
  • Allegedy, Tragic Carpet Ride ran half a block on trail.  You’ve gotta be kitten me.
  • Cum Dumpling was violated because, just like a cat, he is so flexible he can lick his own butthole and, just like a cat, he made eye contact with anyone who dared challenge him while he decided to do this in the middle of a busy H St intersection.
  • Just Gautham looked around at beer check like this wasn’t the friggin’ cat trail and expressed surprise that somebody had “cleaned up” the dead mouse that was there the last time we used that beer check spot.
  • #SquadHoles was violated for freely calling himself a pig on trail.  I mean seriously, that man is a walking roast.
  • Special Red was exceptionally well prepared for trail tonight – with his running flip flops tied on with yarn he was prepared for a cat-toy related emergency at any moment.
  • And finally, a violation for the hares, because the only thing more terrifying, upsetting, and ill-planned than that trail was the trailer for the new Cats movie.

On – check meowt – on,

Stain Catzky

When: Thursday, September 12, 2019
Where: Capital South Metro (Blue/Orange)
Hares: Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Hungry Hungry Homo, All Flash No Drive, Split Her Bare, Sphincter Shy, and Wank Like An Egyptian
Virgins: Just Chris, Just Tintin, Just Mike, Just Tess, Just Kimberly
Visitors: Just Erin

I mean, yea… Recycling is pretty dope, but you know what the BETTER option is?

REUSE!

One man’s trash is another man’s attire. Just check out..

Mambo Number Hives, who didn’t need to remind us of how sweet she is.

Rosetta Bone, her own biggest fan

Goldman Ballsachs, who is proud of his new job at Monsters Inc. He knows that showing his cock is the best way to make little girls scream. Or was it giggle..?

Schrodinger’s Cock, advertising the fact that he doesn’t have a floppy disk.

Cum Locker, who forgot to send out her wedding invites. Although, that’s not the only reason no one came that night.

Violations (and Cummendations)

Just Erin really wanted to donate her pickle to Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer. Not the first time she’s heard that line. And definitely not the last.

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind was so jealous that we were able to get dates, he ditched all of his (calendars, that is).

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was cummended for re-routing trail to a safe space, complete with a beer check near a dumpster. Perfect for your repurposed ABC costume.

At this point in the evening, we were full of Twinkle Juice™ and bad intentions, so we took the next logical step toward a very solemn occasion…

THE NAMING OF JUST KAREN

Just Karen would like to see your manager. A lawyer and immigration advocate from Fordham, she made herself cum with foreign influence, but not before being detained while naked in Panama City. Just Karen had her most mind-blowing orgasm with the main character from Magic Mike, despite his awkward boner. She tells the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.. unless you’re her boss. This Twitter Troll “doesn’t do the porn thing much,” however she takes Alice In Wonderland erotica recs from Trump himself. No longer dressed as a dead hooker, Just Karen treated us to a bedtime story of sorts: Once upon a time, she fucked her best friend’s boyfriend’s twin… over. By spilling his beans (and maybe flicking hers?). Despite her affinity for letting dogs in her mouth, it was ultimately her embarrassment surrounding her lesbian desires that led to name her…

After a lot of confusion, the pack gathered at an On-After. I didn’t make it because I’d been Twinkled and used all my money making a dress. I’m sure it was just dandy.

On – Dolla Dolla Bill Y’all – On
Poon-apple Juice

When: Thursday, September 5, 2019

Where:  Pentagon City Metro (Blue / Yellow Line)

Hares:  Roll Over, Bitch; You Can’t Handle the Poop; sKooter Kunte; Tragic Carpet Ride

Virgins:  Just Erin

Visitor:  Just John from Springfield, Just Liz from Eugene OR, Just Suzanne from who cares, and Semen For Vegan from Boulder

On-After:  not Freddie’s

Violations

  • ROB and You Can’t Handle The Poop! were violated because they’re clearly getting more sartorially conservative in their old age.  These hares weren’t wearing jorts. Those hemlines were so low it was more like… japris or j-clamdiggers.
  • Tragic Carpet Ride was violated for wearing a pair of daisy dukes that literally stopped traffic… because he walked the entire pack into oncoming traffic.
  • Tony Panda accidentally snitched himself for autohashing when he said that he knew walkers’ trail was 3 miles cause that’s what the odometer said.
  • The Virginator was violated because after the 5 cups of coffee he had that day I decided to just let him come into circle instead of continuing to shout over every single thing I was saying.
  • And finally, a violation to beer bitch Just Perry because that sweet summer child had the naivety to ask me and Poon-apple Juice if we get permits to run circles.

No naming!  Byeeeeeee

On – feeling my Canadian tuxedo fantasy – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, August 22, 2019

Where:  Cleveland Park Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  honestly, only Gunna Probably Spew as far as I could tell

Virgins:  Just Ashraf, Just Ken, Just Tanner, Just Tim, Just Sonia, Just Perry, Just Spencer

Visitor:  Cums For Jesus from Happy Heretics H3

On-After:  Duccini’s for me, Shenanigans Irish Pub for everyone else

Violations

  • On this clusterfuck of a trail, even the walkers got shiggy!  Birthday bitch / alpha hare Gunna Probably Spew was violated because this trail had *Stefan from SNL voice* EVERYTHING.  We had logs. We had water. We had thorns. Did he think that just because it was his birthday people were going to be ok with taking tiny pricks to the face without fair warning?
  • Charlie Why, the man who ran trail IN JEANS, took off his shoes to cross the river, and lost one of his socks in said river, was violated for criticizing Deetz Nuts’ grass skirt as “impractical to run in.”
  • Going Bananas apparently has a full social calendar and a science degree since she was heard on trail saying that this was the second day in a row she got wet because of… water.
  • General Tso’s Dicken was commended for founding her own new kennel: Carryout H3.  She was walking around with an entire roast chicken in a plastic container and may I just say…damn girl that’s some nice breasts and thighs.
  • GPS was violated again, after Chippenfailz pointed out that his name clearly has no bearing on his ability to read a map. 
  • And finally, after running trail in Close Encounters of the Turd Kind’s fart cloud, I’d say this was less of an oasis and more Tropic Thunder.

On – somebody needs either a physics lesson or an anatomy lesson if “runners’ feet may get wet” means water up to my taint – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, July 18, 2019

Where:  Waterfront Metro (Green Line)

Hares:  You Can’t Handle the Poop, Roll Over, Bitch!, Kunta Kunte, NSA (but N[A]SA for today), Vladmir Fruitin, Uno, Dos, Tres, Liftoff!, and Quantum Whizics

“Virgins”: Just Eric, Just Gautham, and Just Geoff

Actual Virgin: Just Bodhi

Visitor:  not a single alien sighting on trail

On-After:  Hamilton’s

Violations

  • It is universally known that Quantum Whizics has the smallest bladder known to mankind.  And yet somehow, NSA was the one who wore a space diaper on trail.
  • Cum Dumpling was almost commended for conscientiously reusing water just like you would on the space station.  Unfortunately, he was using the water from the can bins to wash his armpits and returning it straight to the bin for others’ consumption.
  • Just Bodhi found himself desperate to wash the taste of the Perrier that Just Jessie gave him out of his mouth.  Unfortunately, his preferred flavor palate was located up Tragic Carpet Ride’s kilt.
  • All three of our human virgins were violated for lying about their virginity.  Just cause Just Geoff’s mom used to drive me to high school doesn’t mean I’m going to go easy on him in circle.
  • A shoutout to Metrorail Mary for fending off a harasser and taking a police escort to trail
  • And finally, a violation to Roll Over, Bitch! for complaining to the rest of the hares and the pack that his trail was excellently planned, beyond reproach, and perfectly laid.  To which I say, sir, I know your significant other, and you ain’t had a perfect lay in years.

After Pinnochi-Schro was done snorting beer out of his nose, we had a very solemn occasion… A NAMING!!!!

Just Ben is a former rocket surgeon now working in space policy for the White House.  Twaterboarding made him cum not too long ago, but they originally met in church 11 years ago.  Just Ben has an incredible talent for building rockets that are “too good” and rates his blow jobs on a scale from F to A++.  Just Ben also has an eidetic memory for every dump he’s ever taken, as well as a running mental tally of the total value of all the plumbing damage his epic shits have caused.  His tastiest puke was caused by memories of 2 Girls, 1 Cup and an aggressive Honey Grahams breakfast.  But despite his adventures with double sided dildos and the Festivus Pole, we just couldn’t let that poop stuff slide.  Suggestions included The Poon Landing and Beam Me Up Potty, but after so many visits from a tortured plumber, Just Ben shall henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing be known as Close Encounters of the Turd Kind.

On – JFC searching “space poop” on GIPHY in public was a mistake – on,

Space Gretzky

When: Thursday, July 11, 2019

Where:  Woodley Park / Zoo Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Son, What the Fuck?!, Deetz Nuts, Cheech & Dong, Colliteral Damage, and Poon-apple Juice

Virgins:  Just Mike and Just Brian

Visitor:  Cherry Why from Lagos; Muffle Puff from Aloha

On-After:  Town Tavern

Violations

  • First of all, a shame bell to me for forgetting to violate Poon-apple Juice for going to a lakehouse populated by ~*multiple*~ Chads and being surprised that she came home with pink eye.
  • Also a double violation on for me ruining my search history looking for zodiac puns and Ted Cruz Zodiac Killer jokes to steal for circle.
  • Just Mike is violated for 1) not remembering who made him cum and 2) when I finally figured it out it turned out to be that weird guy I remember best as the “alcoholic doctor.” He confirmed this sobriquet as accurate.
  • Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me and The Cumburglar are also violated for taking over a year to make Just Brian cum.  I just learned waaayyyyy more about their sex lives than I ever needed to know.
  • Special Red is violated for mistaking the ceiling candle stick decorations for tampons.  As a person named after a menstrual blood incident in which I really needed a tampon it’s honestly very offensive to tell me there are tampons available when that’s not the case.
  • And finally, a violation to the pack for giving me so few usable violations that I could wring funnier material out of my wet sock.

On – diaper foot week 3 – on,

Rain Gretzky

When: Thursday, July 4, 2019

Where:  Anacostia Metro (Green Line)

Hares:  Special Head Kid, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Red Dong, La Gingeracha, Little Zombie Munch Punch, and Jigglytits

Virgins:  a bunch, but we had no scribe so I’m doing this from memory

Visitor:  more on this later

On-After:  Bardo

Here is a dramatic reenactment of trail in GIF form:

On-on,
Shade Gretzky

When: Thursday, June 27, 2019

Where:  Takoma Metro (Red Line)

Birthday Empress: Shamrock Your Cock

Hares:  Cum Dumpling, Coxxx on Demand, Infidellatio, Issues & Tissues, and You Can’t Handle the Poop

Virgin:  Just Patrick

Visitor:  Rusty Grundle from Chicago H3

On-After:  Olive Lounge

Y’all this was a very special trail for our very own self-proclaimed “Alpha Bitch” Shamrock Your Cock.  She literally told me this at my second trail ever while I was beer bitching, and she’s remained a hashing icon ever since.  It was her 50th birthday, and nothing says “Hashy Birthday, Fuck You” like getting made fun of in front of all your friends after doing a trail with way too many hills, getting rained on, and having such wet shoes your foot feels like a diaper.

Violations

  • Dial F was violated for luring Mourning Wood, Special Head Kid, and Heaven’s Gape to sit on his big wood at beer check.
  • Speaking of big wood, What’s a Boner took a big facefull of it tripping on a slippery bridge crossing.
  • Speaking of things about dicks, everyone was so bewitched with all of the rainbow roosters on trail that Schrodinger’s Cock confused “on right” with “car right” and nearly died because he was, for once, paying attention to a cock other than his own.
  • You Can’t Handle The Poop shared that in the winter time stray cats will come and sit on the cover of his hot tub to get warm.  I mean, the man’s got to get pussy some how…
  • And finally, Shamrock Your Cock as the birthday honoree and woman of the hour received a very special violation on behalf of the hares for their over two mile first half walkers trail.  Because honestly, I can’t blame her for thinking that was a manageable distance for all those times Tony Panda told her what 8 inches looks like.

And no naming, but a HUGE FUCKING HASHY BIRTHDAY to Shamrock who apparently fucked right off to Aruba the second trail was over.  EDub loves ya, baby!

On – the hills have thighs – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, May 30, 2019

Where:  Stadium Armory Metro (Silver / Orange / Blue Line)

Hares:  Special Head Kid, Just Roxy, Heaven’s Gape, Seizure’s Phallus, Basement Boy Toy, Melabonin, and Stain Gretzky (that’s me!!)

Virgins:  Just AJ

Visitor:  technically a long-time-no-see-em, Tosh.Homo

On-After:  Trusty’s, where good decisions go to die

Violations

  • First, to the Ore-Ho, Son, What The Fuck?!, for buying us Silly Circles.  This is offensive because 1) I take my circles very seriously and 2) because Silly Circles are featured on the “crappy off brands” sub Reddit.
  • Pinnochi-ho was violated for skipping half of trail to snare Special Head Kid, taking his shorts, hoisting them aloft on a giant stick, and then affixing them to a dumpster so he didn’t have to keep holding them, but more importantly, because SHK couldn’t reach them up there.
  • Tragic Carpet Ride was heard commenting that the melty mint julep Jell-O shots looked like a placenta.  First of many questions I have… how do you know that??  And, it didn’t stop me from eating 6 of them and yelling at everyone to help me out on second half of walkers’ trail.
  • The inimitable and resourceful General’s Farm Animal noted that these extremely minty shot checks would refresh your breath both going down and coming back up later.  *retching noises*
  • Our GM, Throbbin’ Hood, was caught demonstrating his bug spray application technique that put bug spray directly into his own eyes… and his hash mug.  Inside and out, he’s certainly making sure that every inch of him is covered!
  • Scooter Kunte, DC-based science teacher that she is, loudly mistook the Anacostia River for a reservoir.  Does she even go here??
  • And a commendation for Just Paul with his giant black beard, olive complexion, and American flag silkies… a look for all occasions, but especially for when you want your dick to say “Freedom,” but your face to say “Detained by TSA.”

And, giddyup, dear reader, we had a very solemn occasion for smurf-handjob professional, Just Roxy!!!

Just Roxy’s a grad student in economics (Go Terps!) and she can’t move backwards.  Maybe It’s Gaybelline is her sugar daddy, by which I mean he supplies her favorite substance to masturbate with (it’s semen).  The meanest thing she ever did was break up with someone because he wasn’t weird enough.  The weirdest thing she ever did was give someone head immediately after anal sex.  She also masturbated in the front seat of a car while her mom was driving.  Some top name suggestions included Kelly-Anne Cumway and The Thin Brown Line.  But because she’s a cougar and has a strong preference for non-white dudes, especially Middle Eastern hotties like Aladdin, Just Roxy shall henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing be known as… They Blow Up So Fast!

On – KaBOOM! – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, May 23, 2019

Where:  Georgia Ave / Petworth Metro (Yellow / Green Line)

Hares:  Scooter Cunte, Roll Over, Bitch!, Heaven’s Gape, Tragic Carpet Ride, Slut Machine, and Barebackin’ Pearls

Virgins:  Justs David, Hailey, and Lexy

Visitor:  Snap, Crackle, POOP! (he homeless) and Barebackin’ Pearls (yay transplant!)

On-After:  Midlands Beer Garden! and I actually went!  Can’t remember the last time I went to an on-after.  But seriously who TF thought it was a good idea to unleash hashers on a bar that is serving a 19.5% beer on tap.  This morning I was feeling a little rough (dot) gov

Violations High School Stereotypes

  • Fat kid: Stain Gretzky had to make a special request to the brew crew (thanks guys!) for napkins to clean Cheeto dust out of her fingerprints to unlock her phone and read her scribe notes.
  • Slutty cheerleader: Just Ben brought his own nipple tassels and was teaching everyone in the alley how to use them.  Fun fact: apparently different types of thrashing make them swing in opposite or the same direction.  See ya under the bleachers later!
  • Science nerd: Dial F was bragging to everyone on trail that his beehives were just around the corner.  His beehives are right over there!  His beehives are just ahead!  But honestly y’all, I shouldn’t have been surprised that when we got there, they were smaller than advertised.
  • Homoerotic jocks: Goldman Ballsachs bent over in the middle of trail to mark a check and Quid Pro Blow read the nearby SPEED HUMP sign as a direction to rail Goldman from behind at full speed.
  • Prom committee: the hares.  Trail was highly advertised, some people kinda dressed up, I drank some booze near a dumpster, it really wasn’t *that* bad, but it was over pretty quickly and I was left asking myself “was that it…?”
  • Running backpack kid: Just David.
  • The kids your mom definitely doesn’t want you to hang out with: the hares, who had us all drinking in public, playing in traffic, seriously contemplating climbing a rusty fence to break into a muggle’s yard, and doing the exact opposite of following instructions.

And we had a very solemn occasion for Just Ahren!!!  Just Ahren has been hashing since February and spends his days managing an inbound call center and telling people to push buttons over the phone.  He’s into acroyoga, tumbling, balancing, and “elbow stuff.”  His fetishes include hentai, social anxiety, and holding his bladder while going through security checkpoints.  He’s a slow cooker, both in terms of food and sex.  But because of his preference for internet porn over IRL stuff, henceforth and forevermore throughout the word of hashing, Just Ahren shall be known as VOIP (Vagina Optional, Internet Preferred).

On – On Wednesdays we wear tetanus – on,

Stain Gretzky