Trail 1241: The Watergate Anniversary Hash Trash

Trail: The Watergate Scandal and History Trail! 

When: Thursday, June 17, 2021

Where: Foggy Bottom Metro 

Visitors: Just Doug, Bear Fucker, and Sucka-Lotta-Cockus

Virgins: Just Brady

Hares: Bow Chicka Bow Bow, Papal Smear, Special Red

We had visitors! We had a VIRGIN! (Squee.) Nature is healing and the hash is kind of getting back to normal. Feels good! You know what else feels good? THE HARES. I found out last week that Bow’s name auto corrects in my phone as “Bow Chicka Now Now!” and I am here for it. They strolled us through the watergate hotel and along some of the seedier places and alleys associated with our fine city. Lest we forget! For every political hero… there are at least 11 dirtbags. With that, we called the hares in for their first violation.

son of a bitch berlin GIF by Team Coco

Bless Me Father for I have Rimmed was violated for pretending not to solve a tit check… she ran back…. She ran forth… she waggled that cute butt of hers and the pack sat and waited patiently. Until they didn’t.  Thanks for the strut, Rimmie! But we’ll stare at your booty regardless. *wink*

Turkey Twat was violated for falsely accusing the scribe of meeting her on Tinder after she inquired where she’d seen his face before. Honey! My tinder has been dormant FOR A MINUTE. But thank you. 

Just Haley was called out for being suuuuper late to beer check. Apparently some tourists demanded puppy pets… Just Bow and Just Wow were happy to oblige but she apparently doesn’t know that puppy piles are for after hours. Grrrrl. 

Hot Mess Yes GIF by Bounce

Speaking of animals on trail… holy MOOSE KNUCKLE batman. No, not that Moose Knuckle, (miss ya, bud!), the hot ass bulges we were treated to on trail! H/t to Poon Apple for supplying the rompers… Cumendation to Shetland Blow Me and AARPenis for being too hot to trot last week. 

The Hares were violated a few more times… it was Papal’s last trail with us for a while (Go visit him and run with Aloha H3- you won’t regret it.) and Bear Fucker and Just Doug’s identities were confused during end circle over an alcohol abuse accusation… Why were you pouring your beers out on the grass?? Don’t you know we have gotten buckets of rain lately? Oh, right, visitors… 

drunk the rock GIF by ALL SEEING EYES

Finally, some hashers were overheard being all whiney and complain-y towards the end of circle when violations were opened up to the crowd….and all Cum Burlger could really do was banish everyone to the on-after where more shenanigans may or may not have transpired. This scribe doesn’t sub and tell.

Bondage GIF by memecandy

On-Happy Pride Month-On,

s/Kooter Kunte

EWH3 HASH TRASH #1239 The Beer is Near Trail!

When: Thursday, June 3, 2021

Where: Potomac Ave Metro 

Visitors: Sadly none…for now!

Virgins: Just Marley!

Hares: Lorena Hobbit, Special Red and Roll Over, Bitch!

This trail was supposed to be about keeping the beer near and PBRs (Personal Best Records) so here we go with some PBRs set by the pack that night:

Most Thunder heard on/before trail (We like to live dangerously.) 

Buffy The Vampire Slayer Leo GIF

Most soggy hashers on a June trail (probably a lie, but prove it)

Largest underground Go-Go Party to ever be crashed (H/t, Hares!) 

Most pierced nipples on trail (or were those just tiny, C shaped lightning rods?)

Most washed away check marks on trail… (stupid June showers…)

Most Long Time no see-ers?! You bet! Much like Brood X, we had dozens of hashers crawl out of the mud and wood work this week. Thanks in part to the siren call of newly reopened Trusty’s. (and an 88% vaccinated pack.) They prelubed, post lubed and were merry! Nature is healing…

Animation Domination High-Def Gif By gif

Now onto specific violations and general tom foolery. 

Gingersnatch and Special Red were violated for jocking each other’s style… Though those ewh3 tanks did look good on them, you know what they say- The gingers that listen to NPR together, stay together. 

Chale Why was violated for attempting to compete with the sky and also shower us on trail. Look, that’s not what the harriettes meant by getting wet on trail today! Red Roper was violated for making a couple of hashers almost pass out at beer check when he took his shirt off…Did I spy the RA grow nervous for the lightning risk it posed? (See above)

Sci Fi Lol GIF by Hallmark Gold Crown

Just Nele was violated for doing her best neutron impression by running up to Ready Player None asking again, “How much is hash cash?” He replied, “For you? No Charge!”

Was the scribe grasping for straws this week? The scribe was DEFINITELY grasping for straws.

And finally, PSA stepped in (rather than away, heh) as the day’s hash curmudgeon when he was overheard going on and on about how he would hash more but the trails have just gotten too damn long. Hey buddy, never look at your beer as half empty, look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer!

It Is Over The End GIF by Your Happy Workplace
Alright, alright… I can hear all your groans from here.

On-Be funnier next time-On,

s/Kooter Kunte

EWH3 Hash Trash #1238: Break Yourself Part 2: Electric Shigaloo Trail

When: Thursday, May 27th, 2020

Where: Van Ness/UDC (Red Line)

Hares: Chale Why?, 9021-Ho, GPS, and Mouthful of Clam

Virgins: None

Visitors: None

Long-Time No See Ums: None

On-After: None, because COVID

Buckle up, butternuts, because this trail got dicey. Between the hills, the bushwacking, the rivers, and the cicadas, this trail was a DOOZY! Luckily, only two people got lost before end circle – not bad for a trail that GPS was involved in creating!

BREAKING FREE FROM MASKS! HALLELUJAH!

Oh man, it is SO good to be running a trail without a mask on! This was my first time running without a mask in over a year. It’s been so long that I forgot what it was like running without sweating so much it feels like I’m water boarding myself! My face was so dry that it was the first run in a year where I was not constantly thinking about cunnilingus.

  • Speaking of pussy, the Walkers saw a cat walking around in a harness on trail. They were ALL violated for being less kinky than a cat.
  • Walkers weren’t the only one getting lucky with animals on trail. Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer and Tacos on a Bridge were cummended for getting bitches’ numbers on trails!
  • Speaking of tacos, Rail Mary was overheard on trail saying that she had never eaten a taco before – figuratively OR literally. First off, fuck you, I don’t believe you. Secondly, you should talk to Blow Me Closer BECAUSE…
  • Tacos fell down on trail and Blow Me Closer yelled out “five second rule!” We ALL know Blow Me Closer knows the rules when it comes to eating tacos!
Eating Tacos GIFs | Tenor
BMCTD demonstrates proper Taco techniques

Pause: I just can’t get over how good this trail felt, despite how rough this trail was. I haven’t enjoyed raw dogging air this much since I was eight years old and I lost my virginity to an inflatable raft in the pool!

  • Speaking of getting wet, Bow Chika Wow Wow was violated for falling into the water and breaking his mug. I haven’t seen a vessel go down that hard since the Lucitania. Fuck yeah, I make WWI jokes,
  • We HAD to violate Tuck Tuck Deuce’s evil twin. We are absolutely sure this wasn’t Tuck, it was the evil twin, because (1) he had an evil mustache, and (2), he was overheard on trail saying “I don’t know what Tuck was thinking, I mean I hate it so much I’m talking in the third person” That’s right Evil Tuck, what an ass!
  • Speaking of ass, Burlington Ho Factory was violated for smacking as many asses as she can get consent for. Ho Factory, if consent was F.R.I.E.S., I’d be the state of Idaho, because you can smack my ass ANY time you want!
Raise Eyebrow GIFs | Tenor

Holy shitballs, I was SO psyched for this trail. Just like the cicadas, I came to do two things: scream and fuck!

  • Infidellatio was violated for her downhill running technique. She daintily skipped the entire way down a large hill. I guess she learned her techniques for “going down” when she was in kindergarten!
  • Speaking of elementary school shit, Maybe It’s Gaybelline was violated for being a walking Lisa Frank trapper keeper! Gaybelline’s moose knuckle was more pronounced than the Oxford English Dictionary.
  • Finally, we violated THE HARES! Last week, the hares put Heartbreak Hill right before the beer check. This week, they put heartbreak hill smack dab in the middle of first half. GPS was rightfully commended for being the kinkiest sadist of the pack!

On-But My Legs Still Got Pretty Thrashed-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

EWH3 HASH TRASH #1234 – THE SESAME STREET TRAIL (RHODE ISLAND AVE)

When: Thursday, April 29, 2021

Where: Rhode Island Ave

Virgins: Just Mark, Just Nick, Just Allie

Hares: Special Head Kid, Seizure’s Phallus

Today’s trash is brought to you by the letters F, U, and the number 69.

On a warm April evening, we gathered. The sea of fur, monster-themed chokers, and pasty thighs was overwhelming, to say the least. Our executive producer presented our Virgins: Just Mark, Just Nick, and Just Allie and our Hares: Special Head Kid and Seizure’s Phallus. We were reminded of the location of a few body parts (namely our tongues) and sent off in search of “dad’s special soda.”

Immediately upon departure, half of the pack proved that they could NOT, in fact, tell me how to get to Sesame Street, veering off course for no reason and refusing all attempts by the sweeper at course correction.

We finally found ourselves stationed, appropriately, outside of an elementary school. We were treated to a rousing rendition of the Sesame Street theme song, attempted by Close Encounters of the Turd Kind, before we were finally introduced to our colorful cast of characters…

Stain Gretzky tried to sneak her race-ist attire past us.

 

Roll Over Bitch snuck off for sex on trail, making him our resident Nookie Monster.

 

 

 

The Cumburglar was overheard on trail complaining that Special Head Kid wasn’t commanding enough from behind.

 

 

 

Some hashers complained that GPS solved a Just check on his own, failing torecognize the presence of Just Snuffleupagus.

 

 

Seriously 5-10 channeled his inner Oscar by snatching up General Tso’s Dicken’s trash for his own treasure.

 

 

Special Head Kid’s naughty bits had an encounter with some P.I. Hopefully, all that swelling left him with a Big Bird.

 

 

 

and 23 In Me, who did not drink another hasher’s wine when entrusted with it, proving she really is someone we can Count on.

 

And thus, all our lessons learned and not a naming to be seen, we departed to where the air is sweet, or at least as sweet as it gets without an On-After.

On – I LOVE TRASH – On

Poon-apple Juice  

EWH3 Hash Trash #1233: The Fantasy Island Trail!

When: Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

Where: Stadium Armory (Orange/Blue/Silver Line)

Hares: Around the World in 80 Lays, Bondage, James Bondage, & Honey Bunches of Cunt

Virgins: Just Harry

Visitors: …And Throbbin, Batman

On-After: None, because COVID

Welcome to FANTASY ISLAND! A TV show that ran from 1977-1984, and literally the only thing I know about it is a dwarf yelling “DE PLANE BOSS, DE PLANE” because my dad always said that, without any context for my young brain.

Best Fantasy Island GIFs | Gfycat
Don’t ask me to make jokes about things that were only relevant before I was born!

Despite this being an island-themed trail, it was cold as BALLS out. Runners definitely got some cold winds running over bridges, looking rather strange in their Hawaiian shirts next to muggles in winter coats. And as always, hashers did other stupid things on trail that required extreme violations.

The Hares were violated because they already laid this trail earlier this year. That means they are giving us sloppy seconds. (In their defense, the runners bailed on that trail because it was also too damn cold, so really, runners just finally got to score on this trail…)

23 in Me got lost coming down a slide in a park. How do you get lost going down a slide? I guess it’s not as bad when Bitches Give Stitches got lost sliding into her DMs. Although that’s still less pathetic as when I got lost in her eyes…

9021Ho went way out of character on the first half. He was seen not wearing his signature P-Coat. At least he and GPS are still rocking their signature short shorts!

Shorts GIF - Find on GIFER
Even more revealing than this!

Walkers spotted a beaver on trail. Look, we have laid our fair share of beaver checks on trail, AND we’ve laid our fair share of beavers on trail (hiyoooo!), but this was the first time we’ve seen a real beaver on trail.

Mouthful of Clam and Just Eviva were violated for tying up Quid Pro Blow on trail. Even though he’s down for getting tied up and strapped on, he wanted to wait until after circle. Which reminds me, CONSENT IS EVERYTHING!

What Is Sexual Consent? | Facts About Rape & Sexual Assault
Would you like some FRIES with that?

NAMING

Despite the cold, we also had a Naming for Just Rachel! We learned a lot about Just Rachel…

  • She’s an accountant who went to SUNY with The Cumburglar and currently lives with him.
  • She’s not allowed to date anyone named Brian anymore. One of them had been dating her for months before she found out he had another girlfriend. Another one gave her the clap.
  • She would definitely fuck Ryan Reynolds.
  • She was in a foursome that got interrupted by someone’s dad looking for a coat. Later, the dad apologized for interrupting them.
  • She has masturbated to Glee porn.
  • She could take Ariel in a fight because that bitch doesn’t even have legs.
  • Her ideal romantic partner is Sebastein Stan, with a metal arm.
  • Her preferred mattress type is “waterproof.” We all know what that means.

And now we welcome to Everyday is Wednesday Hash House Harriers…

Burlington Ho Factory!

Hoe, But Then Make It Fashion - America's Next Top Model GIF - ANTM AmericasNextTopModel Fashion - Discover & Share GIFs

On-Wait, is my dad a height supremacist?-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

EWH3 HASH TRASH #1232 – THE DEATH AND TAXES… AND BEER! TRAIL

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, April 15, 2021. Pack away at 7:15 PM!

Where: Fort Totten Metro (Red and Green Lines) – Follow marks to start. NOTE: Start is in Fort Totten Park itself. See here.

D’erections: From the entrance to the metro, turn left. Follow the sidewalk to the pathway that cuts across the grass. Turn left on the path. Turn left on Fort Totten Drive. Turn left into the park at the first grassy open area.

Nearest Capital Bike Share: Fort Totten Metro (1st Pl. NE & Galloway St. NE), or New Hampshire Ave NW & Gallatin St. NW (both are equidistant to start).

Hares: Head Injury and a surprise!

Trail 4/15

Only three things are certain in life. Death, taxes, and EWH3 will hash no matter what the weather is. Speaking of this weather… we gave to violate the Cumburglar for how cold it is in April.

GPS and [ PITA] are being violated for being completely insensitive to the ongoing tension in this country and wearing RACEIST insignias!

The GPS award for FRB who solves checks and doesnt tell anyone goes to… GPS!

90210Ho almost left his phone and keys at beer check, then gave Lickthyologist his number so she could call the phone. 9021Hp, you DO realize you’re going to get drunk texts from her now, right?




Dial F is being commended for voicing his desire to get his butt touched in the dark.

GtD is being commended for how well her non liquid portfolio is doing right now. Shes got them appreciating assets

23 In Me was overheard saying “I hear you have the best sex when you’re on meth.” She then tried to convince me that she said “math” not “meth.” Trust me, I was doing a LOT of math in high school and college, and I didnt get laid for SHIT!!

 

EWH3 HASH TRASH #1231 – THE SUNDRESS NO STRESS TRAIL

When: Thursday April 8. 2021
Where: Eastern Market
Hares: Moose Knuckle, More Men, Mouthful of Clam
Virgins: Just Noah, Just Cat, Just Anna

It’s national sundress day! Why do we love sundresses so much?

  1. The aesthetics. All those flowers and stripes and bright colors really make your eyes pop, boo.
  2. The airflow. Have you ever felt a gentle breeze on your netherbits on mile three? Nirvana.
  3. The pee-ase. That’s the ease of peeing. Gone is the need to Twister your way away from the stream. Just squat and go.
  4. The gun show. Sundresses are made to show off those arms, and those legs. Whatever your weapon of choice, a sundress will help you brandish it.
  5. The comfort. No camel toe, no moose knuckle (present company excluded, of course).
  6. The pockets. Sundresses are… wait. There’s no pockets?

Fuck it, I’m getting a beer. While I’m gone, enjoy some…

Violations:

Ready Player None was cosplaying as 21 Gum Salute.

Atari 6900 and The Cumburglar were cosplaying as Boogaloo boys. 

Just Davina was a little tease, bouncing between two pumps. 

Just Harper was gettin’ some bitches. 

Maybe It’s Gaybelline violated DC’s open carry laws.

Our solemn occasion twarted by nearby Marines, we dispersed. Most of us to Midlands…

On – Sky’s out, thighs out – On
Poon-apple Juice (h/t Close Encounters of the Turd Kind)

EWH3 Hash Trash #1230: The April Showers Trail!

When: Thursday, April 1st, 2021

Where: Dupont Circle (Red Line)

Hares: Poon-apple Juice & Schrödinger’s Cock

Virgins: Just Graciela

On-After: None, because COVID

April Showers? More like April Flurries! Holy SHIT, what the fuck!? Mother Nature sure played an April Fools joke on us, giving us great weather all last week and then slamming us on April 1st like that.

However, the real jokes was on the runners. The Hares were absolutely brutal yet surgically precise with their runners’ trail, laying EIGHT back checks in the first half without ANY intersection of different pathways. Even worse was the “You’ve Been Fucked #69” waiting for the runners in the second half.

24 things you might not know about Fight Club - Album on Imgur

Walkers had it a little easier. Their second half was literally a trip from beer check to McDonalds and back while the runners suffered from their half and the smell of french fries wafting through the cold air.

Despite the cold, a celebration was in order for Please Step Away from the Whores for reaching #669 runs with EWH3! Congratulations PSA for spending over $4,500 on a hat!

The crowd had to start with massive violations for The Hares. “From the FRBs to the FBIs to the Virgins to the DFLs, we all just want to say: FUUUUUCK YOOOOU!”

Poon-apple Juice was further violated as walkers’ hare for getting lost and trying to pass it off as walkers having to do a backcheck. It might be April Fools but you can’t fool us!

Dial F was violated because our virgin Just Graciela introduced herself with “I found you guys on the internet.” It was Dial F’s job to make sure she said “The internet made me cum!”

There was some couple’s drama tonight. Colliteral Damage stole Honey Bunches of Cunt‘s pants because she was cold, so Shamrock Your Cock offered her pants to Honey. Meanwhile Tony Panda is standing there wearing fucking shorts watching another man get into his wife’s pants!

Speaking of which… a cummendation for all of our stereotypical white dudes wearing shorts in the cold! Chip Off the Old Cock was so cold she left early!

Bitches Give Stitches got Just Divina so excited she gave him a golden shower. That’s NOT what we meant by April Showers!

Special Red was violated for boasting to the gods that he wanted sleet. Then sleet happened. You can’t violate the RA for not providing good weather when that happens!

Geriatricmandering had not used her beer Mug in so long, she poured a beer on top of a lanyard that she didn’t know was in there and continued to drink beer out of it. It means you don’t hash often enough, stop having a life!

Chokes One Out needed to borrow a hat and tried to give away her phone because it was too many things to carry. That’s a losing value proposition, go back to school so you don’t get sucked into scams and multi-level marketing schemes, otherwise you’ll end up like PSA, spending thousands of dollars on a hat and being happy about it!

On-No seriously, FUCK the hares-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

EWH3 HASH TRASH #1229 – THE FIFTH ANAL GLORY DAYS TRAIL

When: Thursday March 25, 2021
Where: NoMa-Gallaudet University
Hares: Geriatric Mandering and Stain Gretzky

Ever pull out that old yearbook and wish you could turn back time to revisit those good ole days? Well, you’re in luck. Grab your sack lunch and meet us in the caf’. Good luck finding a table…

 

You could join Skooter Kunte and her skateboard at the Skater table, or is she part of the poser pod? 

There’s an empty spot next to the principal’s son, which is surprising becuase half the pack is brown nosing to get him to ignore their pre-trail imbibing in front of the ATF.

Shetland Blow-Me has a seat at the Lumberjack table. These dudes love the glory days of Bear Grylls. Just be careful of grabbing the wrong vessel vessel, he’s drinking piss.


Chip Off The Old Cock was overhead saying that she’s watching her knees because she’s concerned that after 30 your body starts to break down. Are you telling me that you, a millennial, hasn’t broken down at all over the past year? Isn’t that why you’re eating in a bathroom stall? 

If you’re into theater and questioning your sexuality, Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer will welcum you with open arms (and legs).

None of this your speed? Why not take a seat by Special Red, he’s totally the cool teacher, even if he spends his entire paycheck on beer and bud instead of chalk for his classroom…

No freshies to name, no extracurriculars planned, better just get to my study date..

On – Sign my yearbook? – On
Poon-apple Juice (h/t Close Encounters of the Turd Kind)

EWH3 Hash Trash #1227: The 2nd Anal Zodiac Trail!

WHEN: March 11, 2021

WHERE: Woodley Park/Zoo/Adams Morgan

Virgins: None : (

Visitors: Unless GPS counts? J/K Pudjam hashers never count. 

Hi! Scooter Kunte here and I have your Hash Trash from 6 weeks ago! As one infamous hasher likes to say, “Better late than pregnant.” So here you go.

It was a chilly but lively trail as we all clamored to see what Son, What the F*ck and Gingersnatch had in store for us. It brought some long time no see-ers like Tuck Tuck Deuce and Cum Dumpling out of the woodwork. Random, I know, but how does the government remember the difference between astrology and astronomy anyway? Just like any subject, they don’t believe it’s a science if it ends in “ology”. 

The walkers were ready to violate the hares, not just for their cheesy (ahem, awesome) trail theme but for that 69 step stairmaster of a trail they dragged us through. I haven’t gotten that sweaty on a walker’s trail since the time I got stuck behind Urine Grande Trouble for a solid 10 minutes. Whew! Is it hot in here?

Lickthiologist was rocking her sun sign duds and looking especially horny that night, she bedazzled a few lucky ducks with some jubilee and the pack drank and were merry. (Congrats to Bitches Give Stitches on his 69th trail!) Speaking of poking hazards- Don’t you think 23 In Me and Dial F would make a great couple? She’s a sparky fire sign and he’s an air sign. Full of hot air that is. (Sorry! You were the only air sign I could pick on!)

If you are feeling sick after tonight’s trail, don’t worry, it’s probably just because Mercury is in Uranus. Hashers kept asking Orange is the New Snatch about her sign all night, but she told them because she’s a Taurus she’s extremely skeptical and doesn’t believe in astrology. I asked Gingersnatch what his sign was and he told me “Dinosaur”…I yelled back that it was not a real sign! And he shot back, “None of them are.” Whomp whomp. 

Sonny was violated again for throwing us all into a beer check so tight and cramped…it brought back too many memories of our first time….hashing. On the other hand, 21 Gum Salute and Just Rachel (Now known as Burlington Ho Factory) squealed with delight at all the shiggy that graced our beer check… it would make their “You wanna check me for ticks” pick up line go SO MUCH more smoothly later! 

Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack was overheard several times exclaiming his excitement about getting a little Johnson in him that weekend. They Blow Up So Fast only promised to squirt on trail like once… and yet again, Maybe it’s Gaybelline was violated for cutting in line to get to Tacos (Thanks, Brew Crew!) We all know it wasn’t the first…nor will it be the last time he does this. 

And that’s your (stunt) Scribe Report! Stay thirsty my friends,

Miss Kunte