When: Thursday, April 25, 2019

Where:  Pentagon City Metro (Yellow / Blue Line)

Hares:  #SquadHoles, #SquadHoles’ hover board, Poon-apple Juice, L’Chymen, and Heaven’s Gape

Virgins:  none

Visitor:  The other DADS, who doesn’t know what PUDJAM is

On-After:  Freddie’s Beach Bar Bob and Edith’s Diner

Y’all, it was #SquadHoles’ first alpha hare, yay!  And for a trail that put us underground on the nicest Thursday of the year so far, involved repeatedly running into traffic and an elevator dance sausage party gang bang, and revealed a concerning number of hashers who don’t know which three colors are on a stoplight, it was … yeah it was still shitty.

Also, we need to talk about that freaking train DP while I was trying to do my set in circle.  I’m loud, but not that loud.  Rude.  Anyway, moving on.

Violations

  • Our walker’s hare L’Chymen walked into a revolving glass door on trail.  She may have dyed her hair red, but this Harriette is still a blonde at heart.
  • Princess Jizzmine decided that road signs are the new LinkedIn and picked out her next career move: 3 men in a truck for $80 an hour.  Sold!
  • Uno, Dos, Tres LIFTOFF! was caught bragging about her GS-14 status.  It’s not so much the money we’re concerned about, but the fact that her longest relationship to date has been with Uncle Sam.
  • #SquadHoles announced via SnapChat (aka his preferred medium for documenting crimes) this week that he is cancelling his adult summer camp due to lack of alcohol permit, a norovirus outbreak, Brexit, and the release of the Mueller Report.  He’s been so busy telling everyone how “lit” it was going to be he didn’t realize he had been organizing West Virginia’s very own Fyre Festival.  Documentary out on Netflix this fall!

And a big SHAME bell for me for flubbing my period sex joke about the tunnels of love trail being laid with red and sticky marks.  I’m literally named after a menstrual blood stain.  Anyway, we still threw down some towels and made a mess of that karaoke.

On – I petted so many dogs last night – on,

Stain Train

When: Thursday, April 18, 2019

Where:  Foggy Bottom Metro (Blue / Orange / Silver Line)

Hares:  Deathly Swallows, Fist Pump, Colliteral Damage, Head Injury, Cheech & Dong, General Tso’s Dicken, and You Sucked My Battledick

Virgins:  Just Marissa

Visitor:  none!

On-After:  Recessions, you know why

Violations

  • Firstly, a commendation to our Brew Crew, Throbbin Hood and Cum Peg Me, for recruiting underage Mormon missionaries to the hash before trail even got started by wearing nice little polka dot dresses and showing off their foggy bottoms in the middle of a college campus.
  • Shot check hares You Sucked My Battledick and General Tso’s Dicken celebrated their trail marriage with the breaking of a glass…bottle of Evan Williams.  Battledick rushed off to the liquor store nearby and saved the day before the runners came.  I sure wish that *my* significant other knew he should go to the liquor store before I come!
  • Birthday bitch Deathly Swallows and fellow hare Colliteral Damage were clocked in their delightful polka dot aprons.  You know what they say, dots in the front, slots in the back.  That definitely made my dough rise.
  • I think the hares got a little confused and thought that this trail was actually the Boozy Horror Brunch Trail we had back in October… we got lost in the dark, there was broken glass everywhere, and we encountered a playground with no kids on it… just Sphincter Shy, shirtless.
  • Tuck Tuck Deuce was overheard complaining about trail, per usual, presumably because someone other than him was getting attention for getting older.
  • SchroCo wanted people to closely observe his infectious looking spread of chest polka dots – watch out unless you want to catch the pox!  The anti-vaxxers might be concerned, but frankly, I’d be lucky if measles was the worst thing I caught from fucking him.

No naming, just a very happy birthday to Deathly Swallows!

On – Naturdays are the new Everyday – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: 3/28

Where:  U St, Green/Yellow Line

Hares: Dial F, Roll Over Bitch, Scooter Cunte, Wank Like an Egyptian and possibly a mystery hare

Virgins: Just Karen, Just Nube, Just Melanie, Just Bridget, and Just Austin

Visitors: Coco from Beijing

Violations!
PSA waited so long to give The Cumburglur his nacklace that he had to make it himself

Knocked Up, during Prelewb gave the bartender an option of $50, or a handful of coins, $50 was taken

The Hares, for using blue chalk at night, because even in a PC world, colors matter

Captain Crash and Atari 6900 for being Ragnar racist, we get it, you like being in creeper vans together

Just Melanie was begging for beer, beer was received!

Wank arrived on a scooter because we all know they want to ride Scooter Cunte
Speaking of…

Scooter cunte, Heaven’s Gape and Deetz for the shittiest sweeping I’ve seen since a swifter was invented

Just Nube for making trail harder by doing parkor on everything possible


Infidelatio told Cum Dumpling not to kick the dog, and that PETA lover of course kicked the dog (by accident, please don’t sue us PETA)

Everyone who thought they solved a check on the first half…. the pack couldn’t tell… please use your outside voice

Cumlocker has been a no-see-em for so long she forgot that trail starts near metro stops, oh how the mighty have fallen

The Cumburglur and the circle called his mom and sang her Happy Birthday… not hashy birthday!

On – Happy Mama Cumby BDay – On

#Squadholes

EWH3 #1121 The Highfive trail

When: 4/11

Where:  Eastern Market, Orange/Blue/Silver

Hares:  Mr Holland’s Anus, Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me, Rail Mary, Maybe It’s Gaybelline, and a Mystery Hare

Virgins: None, go invite your friends!

Visitors:  Just Linda Homeless, Fuck a bye baby from Ithica, Just Limel Homeless, and Cums on Vacation from Senegal

On-After:  The Brig

It was a night of high fives, hairy palm Sunday jokes and extra long circles which are clearly Poon Apple Juice‘s favorite things. The beer was great as we still work through our WIE leftovers and the Naturdays still go down so sweet!

Violations!

Yachty McYachtface had a foamy beer at beer check and immediately began sucking…. but not because I told her to. Honey, we don’t care why, we are just glad that’s your reaction.

A commendation for Just Limel for singing us all the best visitor song we’ve had in a while.

Heaven’s Gape bragged a bunch for being first to beer check even though he clearly wasn’t… If you ain’t first, you’re last!

Lil Yachty returned to us for wearing a DCfray shirt… you need more friends than us?

Basement Boy Toy no longer has brand new shoes thanks to the contributions from our circle

Maybe It’s Gaybelline has no BDE or confidence in himself because he only buys condoms in a 3-pack… economics be damned!

Speaking of condoms, Quid Pro Blow has been using USAID condoms from his Uganda trip that are apparently 3mm larger than Magnums. No need to brag man!

For real the circle went fooooooorever, but everyone was having a blast!

And finally we should all be commended for getting to the Brig while they still had tables reserved (ooohhh bougie) and the Caps game on!

On- gimmie 5 – ON

#Squadholes

When: Thursday, April 4, 2019

Where:  L’Enfant Plaza Metro (LITERALLY EVERY COLOR BUT RED)

Hares:  Mourning Wood, Mistress Cycle, Uno, Dos, Tres, LIFTOFF!, and Fizzy, I think?

Virgins:  Just Sean, Just Johnny

Visitor:  my notes say “Pink Shirt? Seattle?”

On-After:  Tiki TNT

Busted before I could read any violations?: absolutely

Violations that never were:

  • Just Ahren is getting violated for thinking that taking a single apple off the snack table is gonna undo all the damage he did to his body last weekend at WIE.
  • Mourning Wood skipped WIE to scout, imported his sister all the way from Hawaii to co-hare, and the best trail he could come up with was a run around the tidal basin during peak blossom?!  Real innovative stuff there, bud.
  • The hares came up with this trail theme so they could remind everyone how long it’s been since they had cherries to pop.  We get it.  You fuck.
  • Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock wouldn’t shut up on trail about how many hash babies he has.  We get it.  You fuck.
  • Also Twinkle for running down the Wharf loudly telling the story about a lady on a house boat yelling at the hash for making too much noise and dragging us on Reddit, and making a big deal about how he responded responsibly and politely with a classy gentleman’s riposte, the retelling of which apparently necessitated him yelling FUCK in front of a bunch of children.
  • Poon-apple Juice needed a buddy to go to the bathroom at start.  Yeah girl, we all know you don’t take your pants off without at least one other person present.
  • And finally, a violation for all the try-hards who went out and bought Hawaiian shirts specifically for this trail.  And THAT WAS ME AND I STILL WANT MY GODDAMN NATURDAY DOWN DOWN.

Stage direction:

Exit, pursued by an angry marina proprietor. 

On – I have been DENIED! – on,

Stain Gretzky

star-wars-font

Stardate: March 29 – 31, 2019

Coordinates: Castle in the Sand, Ocean Shitty, MD 

(e)Mission Leads:

  • Schrodinger’s Micropenis, Rear-end Admiral
  • #SquadHoles, #SquadronLeader
  • Poon-apple Juice, Galactic Correspondent
  • Atari 6900, Space Cowboy
  • Stain Gretzky, Chief Petty Officer

VirginsNot anymore

VisitorShe’s banned from travel events so nothing to see here

On-AfterUnder the table in the hashpitality suite

Let’s play a game.

Match the Scribe to the correct action.

  • #SquadHoles
  • Texas Hold Him
  • Stain Gretzky
  • Wait Wait, Don’t Fuck Me
  • Promptly responded to request for notes with fully formatted trash ready to post.
  • Bogarted circle and talked over the RA the entire time.  Responded to request for notes with “I should get on that!” and waited a whole additional week to send notes.
  • Took three weeks to send trash, even though all violations were from the text submission line and no actual writing was done.
  • Complained about everyone else but still took a month to post WIE trash.  Is cutest.

star-wars-font

Reporting in from the Planet Texas:

R1

  • SchroCo once fucked a girl’s belly button. Only hole that was small enough for his dick.
  • Wank Like an Egyptian wore a Star Wars black tie t-shirt, which explains why he never gets invited anywhere nice. SchroCo let out a guttural moan when he saw it, so at least he got to climax once this weekend.
  • SchroCo and You Can’t Handle the Poop took a photo while SchroCo sucked a giraffe’s nuts. So now we have photographic proof that Poop just stands around being weird while other people are getting off.
  • A bunch of christian youth took a photo with #NeverDude in a nasty dolphin costume like they were tourists in Time Square. $12 is the most he’s ever made street walking.
  • Wait-Wait style puns
    • $12 dollars, 12 disciples. I think those christian kids did that on porpoise.
    • “$12 Dolphin” sounds like the poor parody of “Free Willy”
    • Dolphins are just gay sharks. Is #NeverDude the top, the bottom, or a Flipper?

R2

  • Poon-apple Juice said she was too old to be arrested in Ocean City. Well, I thought he was too old for pig tails, so…
  • She also wore sequin pants to trail, even though they chafed. I’m sure she had no trouble finding someone to help her keep her legs spread.
  • Uno, Dos, Tres brought the red tent sash to campout to iron the D back on. I thought there were no D’s at Red Tent?

R3

  • Baron von Jizzmark, our resident polar bear, took a dip in the ocean before bonfire. It isn’t like his dick could get any smaller, but there had to be easier ways to get it wet.
  • I’d violate the runner hares for how shitty second half was, but no one ran it.

Reporting in from the Planet NPR:

  • Stain Gretzky and Slothy Seconds appeared at breakfast wearing banana suits. Talk about an appealing sight!
  • Leaning Tower of Please Ya was knocked over by waves not once, twice, but three times! Guess she hadn’t found her sea legs!
  • While Please Ya was getting knocked by waves, Anal Fission was using a metal detector on the beach. He still didn’t find the spot!
  • In the most controversial move of the weekend, Dude That Guy sliced his bagel in the St. Louis fashion. I certainly hope Dude asked for consent before he fucked that bagel!
  • At Beer Check, You Can’t Handle The Poop placed an order for vegetables. As if we needed reminding that he’s in a vegetative state!
  • Atari 6900 was violated for bringing his lightsaber into circle. Atari, please keep all weapons in a galaxy far far away!

The naming of Just Emily:

Just Emily was born into the white shoed world of white Connecticut and has been thriving ever since. Before making herself cum to the Hash, she spent many years in her home state. After her first sexual encounter in a Subaru, Just Emily praised her partner with a hearty “well done, sir.” I guess mediocrity feels good when that’s all you know!

At her alma mater, Yale, Just Emily hosted naked parties for her co-eds and dated men after scoping out their junk. After engaging rowing, sailing, and other water sports at Yale, Just Emily graduated with a degree in Political Science. Since moving to Washington, D.C., Just Emily has forsaken her role at a prestigious law firm to go into the pie business. Guess that’s why she’s so sweet! I’ll take a baker’s dozen, please!

After much debate, Emily’s privileged background, proficiency in water sports, and overall demeanor earned her the name Yachty McYachtface.

Phoning it in from the Planet Baltimore:

  • Hyperpoop was getting people sweating to a 90’s workout at beer check, who are you, Richard Seamens?
  • The Baltimore guy literally took a shit on BB trail… we know it was a crappy trail but damn
  • Just Morgen called his areola an “aurora borealis” … on theme I guess but your tits aren’t that magical
  • Throbbin Hood was talking about the way he wipes his ass and stated that he “has hours of fecal material”… that was a shitty joke

Final Report from the Chief Petty Officer:

  • When most people find pieces of a dead animal in the forest they make sure not to touch it.  What’s A Boner decided that the most appropriate course of action would be to affix said carrion to his genitals and wear it into a bar.
  • Atari 6900 for being the ballbuster alpha hare and waking up so drunk he couldn’t drive his own car to start across the bridge.  (Actually, this is commendable bc drinking and driving is NOT COOL, but he’s still a pizza-throwing dumbass and should be roasted mercilessly.)
  • Slothy Seconds decided the best place to wait at the bus stop was inside a trash can.  To be fair, I felt left out and climbed into the can with her.
  • Sphincter Shy flashed his baby kilt at the bus stop and nearly caught a ride to start for free.  He’s a DC 4, but an OC 9.
  • I also have written down in my notes “can you get constipated in your urethra?”  Food for thought.

And, a very solemn occasion for Just Morgen!

Just Morgen examines banks very carefully for a living.  He first hashed in 2007, but it takes about 14 months between each cum.  He has ridden a Capital Bikeshare across 66 and sold his plasma for rent money.  He rode a shopping cart to the bottom of a hill and permanently removed all the skin from his hands.  He’s into “Lindsey Lohan in her prime” and thinks Princess Jasmine is super hot.

Suggestions were floated for Ho-Positive and Whorence of Arabia, but due to his affinity for Ms. Lohan and his various and sundry high-speed adventures, henceforth and forever more throughout the world of hashing, Just Morgen shall be known as Herpes The Love Bug.

And I don’t really remember anything after that but I’m still finding glitter in my bed even though I’ve changed the sheets.

On – take me to your leader – on,

Stain Gretzky

via GIPHY

When: Thursday, March 14, 2019

Where:  Dupont Circle Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Poon-apple Juice, Throbbin’ Hood, Mourning Wood, General Tso’s Dicken, Schrodinger’s Micropenis

Virgins:  Just Patrick, Just John, Just Elliot, Just Fernando, Just Catherine, Just Joaquin, Just Marissa, Just Julia

Visitor:  Virgin Mobile (Jolly Roger H3), Tits for Tots (Kampala, but formerly of EWH3!)

On-After:  Recessions

It was a gorgeous night in DC and the weather brought out so many fair-weather hashers the pack was positively engorged.  #SquadHoles said it was the biggest he’d ever seen.  Speaking of things I saw on trail…

Violations!!!

  • Our wonderful virgins Just Marissa & Just Julia shared in opening circle that a “Historical Bar Dude” from 8 months ago made them cum.  Props to him for being able to make ladies cum 8 months after the fact, and also to them for being cold blooded bitches and not remembering the name of someone who made both of them cum.
  • The hares were violated for spending too much time watching American Pie and not planning trail.  They literally fucked up pi… on pi day… on a pi trail.  If I wanted to get fucked by a pie, I’d just wander around the bakery section of the Unsafeway.
  • Shout out to Texas Hold Him who responded to my complaint that the hares fucked up pi by four digits in by clarifying that to him it’s not fucking unless you’re *at least* four digits in.
  • Cum Peg Me got so deep into his exploration of Asian culture that he came out Mexican?  (It’s a visual joke, he was wearing a serape.)  Also, his several month vacation on the other side of the world wasn’t enough to scrub the DC all the way out of him because I caught him not once, not once, but three times networking for a job on trail.  If I have to hear the phrase “comms director” one more time…
  • SchroCo was busted for naming his dick Google – I literally caught the man shouting at his own crotch “Hey Google, what temperature is it outside?” but despite being skimpily dressed like a sad Dobby cosplay I still couldn’t find it.  Was anybody else feeling lucky?  However, SchroCo should clearly name his junk Uber.  Everybody gets a ride, even though it’s only 3.14 stars…
  • And finally, for all you illiterate philistines who didn’t appreciate my In The Night Kitchen joke about Throbbin’ Hood’s gaping bathrope and missing toque, read a goddamn book.
get it now??

No naming, but plenty of Wawa got stuffed in the ole pie hole if ya know what I mean…

On – 69 degrees in March!! – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, March 15, 2019

Where:  Francis Scott Key Park, Rosslyn Metro (Orange / Blue / Silver Line)

Hares:  PIO, Brokeback Mama, COXXX On Demand, Seizure’s Phallus, and Sally The Jizz Hound

Virgins:  none, they all froze

Visitors:  Three Amigos from OTH (which is Pudjam, u guys)

  • Radioactive Cum Swallower
  • Genghis Anus
  • Abuela Mastabata

On-After:  Mr. Smith’s (ew)

It was cold as fuck that night and I think the hash’s humor well pretty much froze over, so not much to offer here…

Violations

  • Just Dexter The Dog had to be carried up the second half of the Exorcist stairs.  What a bitch.
  • The hares broke Lent tradition and instead of laying a fishy trail it was a full-on sausage fest.
  • #SquadHoles thought that this trail through a college campus was really awesome but it left his knees really sad.  I hear ya buddy, my knees hadn’t felt that bad since the last time I was on a college campus.
  • And I would be remiss if I did not draw attention to the fact that Throbbin’ Hood thought Abuela Mastabata was Maybe It’s Gaybelline.

Enough of that shit, we had a very solemn occasion on this frigid night…… A NAMING!!!!

Meet Just Alex, he works for the government and has three degrees, which explains why he is a triple bottom engineer.  He’s from West Philly and ended up on the stage because he sucks at sports.  He’s masturbated to completion while driving a car and shit himself at work after a long bike commute.  He got a boner in math class and the worst thing he’s ever put up his butt was a butt plug 3 sizes too big.  After it was clearly established that we were going with a butt name, suggestions like Eyes Bigger Than My Anus and Department of the Posterior were floated (and my personal favorite, Scrooge McButt), but given his love of engineering and straight up rearing, henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing, Just Alex shall be known as Deep Anal Hoerizon.

On – boots n shats n boots n shats – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Valentine’s Day, Thursday, February 14, 2019

Where:  Georgia Ave / Petworth Metro (Green / Yellow Line)

Hares:  Melabonin, Basement Boy Toy, Red Dong, Zombie, Just Kevin and Just Ez, Just Surak, and maybe a mystery hare! 

Virgins:  Justs Mia, Chelsea, Valdilia, Aaron

Visitor:  B.D.S.Amateur from Beijing H3

On-After:  Don Juan’s Restaurant

Y’all, I thought this was going to be a Valentine’s Day Trail but it was more like a February 15th aka Discount Chocolate Day Trail that was technically still in theme but was also too little too late, totally in shambles, and definitely resulted in me eating cheese in the dark on the floor in my kitchen.  Shout out to SchroCo for sharing his 200th Run Fireball.

Violations, and literally every single one is about how shitty trail was:

  • Melabonin, birthday girl and alpha hare extraordinare, generously allowed the entire pack to use Basement Boy Toys’ rear entrance halfway through trail.
  • I felt personally victimized by the lack of Valentine’s gifts left for me in the woods while I was alone going full Blair Witch Project with virgin Just Mia.  I didn’t need jewelry, lingerie, chocolates or any of that from the hares, all this girl needed was some flours.
  • Tonight’s trail definitely felt like a surprise orgy hosted by the hares.  We were all in the dark together and I didn’t really know where I was going or what was happening but I was definitely getting fucked.
  • Tonight’s trail felt less like a Valentine’s Day Trail and more like a David’s Bridal Super Black Friday Sale.  Every bitch for themselves and so help me god if you get in my way.
  • Tonight’s trail felt like one of those variety sampler boxes of candy where you just bite into them with blind trust and you’re just like please god please god no nuts.
  • And most important, hashy birthday, fuck you, to Melabonin!

Also, no naming, we were already inside the bar, and OMG DID YOU SIGN UP FOR WIE YET????

On – cheese is my Valentine – on,

Stain Gretzky

EWH3 #1108 The Groundhog (Birth)day trail

When: 1/31

Where:  Dupont Circle, Red

Hares:  Mourning wood, quid pro blow, heaven’s gape, colliteral damage, Throbbin hood

Virgins:  Just Nobody, or I didn’t hear them

Visitors:  Cum in my brum

On-After:  Froggy Bottom, which was 20% better than everywhere else, they told us so right on the tab

 

It was a night of extra layers and fast circles. Which also means short trash. It’s definitely not because I’m bad at these… Nope. Not at all. We moved quickly from Dupont to Georgetown because we were all as frozen

Violations

Cum in my brum for taking 2 torches to the face and we all know that’s slang for blowing a fire crotch

 

Just Emily because she got taken by her feels for Pterodactyl porn

 

Chaffed and confused for his obsession with Obama drone dildo strikes

 

Tuck tuck deuce for back seat driving walkers trail… he needs to take someones back seat in his back seat

 

Cumburglur for thinking end circle should have summer foliage year round… we don’t live in California Bro-dy

 

And finally we should all be commended for getting in and out of that circle before our toes fell off!

 

On – BRRRRRR – on,

#SquadHoles