EWH3 Trash #1455 – Stoplight Your Night Trail

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, February 13th, 2025

Started: S Bell St & 18th St S, Arlington, VA 22202

Finished: Potomac Yard Metro

Hares: Dude, That Guy & Split Her Bare

Valentine’s Day Eve was getting steamy as the kennel shouted their intentions from the rooftops. Those looking for love, even just for the night, and those putting up a big red stop sign having already found their one and only – or they have a strict no hasher policy. Either way this was an exciting new trail co-hared by a long time no see um, Dude, That Guy. The kennel saw some new sights, enjoyed a new on after, and found love and beer in all the wrong places.

Violations

  • Our Hares certainly did not get the memo to set the ambiance for this trail. It was a shitter trail than normal as the trail actually smelled like satan’s asshole, bringing the pack right through a sewage waste treatment plant.
  • Vagina’s For Lawyers proved himself to be a cheap date, truly leaning into the drunk GM role. He unfortunately was unable to form complete sentences in order to impress any potential suitors.
  • Next ladies we have a little game of Red Flag – Green Flag
    • 💚 Green Flag: Just Jordan will certanitly wine and dine you, pull your seat out, hold the door, and will always pay $2.25 for you to use the metro restroom
    • 🚩Red Flag: Tragic Carpet Ride instead will hook up with the metro attendant so that you can use the metro bathroom for free.
  • Lastly, one of our illustrious hares, Dude That Guy, must surely get around. Rocking his pineapple onsie drove the point home is that he’s been swinging all around PUDJAM kennels that he had no idea that he was cumming inside EHW3 tonight.

Check out our HASH FLASH Photos Here!!!!

EWH3 Trash #1454 – The Wet February Trail

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, February 6, 2025

Started: U Street/African-American Civil War Memorial

Finished: Shaw/Howard

Hares: Burlington Ho Factory, How Much Wood Could a Woodchuck Fuck?, Jeb!utante, Vagetarian

The kennel all rejoiced on this trail that the dumpster fire of January was over and all those that were parched from “Dry January” could embrace the wetness of February.  We have fully abandoned the fight against climate change and weather is fake so everyone lifted their vessels to the sky and drowned in beer as bags of wine whipped through the air like a tornado. Opening circle proved that I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore and truly living in the upside down, as hash crasher Three Finger Death Punch shocked and awed us with his feats of strength.

Violations

  • Eager Beaver couldn’t wait for beer to satiate his oral fixation on trail. Displaying the worst American Spirit by lighting up a Marlboro on trail in hopes that will help him become a Virginia Slim by tricking his mind into *unning if he gets a little sweet treat at the end.
  • Sonny WTF? came in hot swinging that big ‘ol dick as our FRB. Our misman had to unfortunately inform her that all gov’t sponsored transition surgeries are on hold until further notice.
  • Even though we were thoroughly wet from beer and bagged wine, the streets remained clear of rain. However, that didn’t stop our fearless leader Tumey sliding in fast and slick on a big wet steaming pile of dog turds. Don’t call it the splits…. It’s the banana shits!
  • But no hasher was more excited for a little bit more wetness on trail when Chuck Fuck squealed with delight in spotting the adorable little bonus pussy (cat) in a window.

Check out our HASH FLASH Photos Here!!!

EWH3 Trash #1452 – Old Town Ghost Tour

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, January 23, 2025

Started: King Street Gardens Park

Finished: King St – Old Town

Hares: Ha-Cum-On My Tatas, Turd in Command, These Are The Tits You’re Looking For

This trail brought us through all the spooky stalks of the notoriously haunted Old Town Alexandria. Though no ghosts or ghouls spooked us on the trail the pack still felt cold chills down their spines and an all embodying sense of dread as the ghosts of administration past haunted our dreams all week. The obvious only cure to protect our souls is to imbue them with spooky “spirits”.

Violations

  • The Hares continued to put us in harms way taking the pack past a very racist establishment. The store front window taunting us with new running shoes and performance wear. We warded it off with some spooky shots and managed to keep that evil far away from us.
  • As we entered a dark alley way we thought we might have heard our first ghost of the trail. Unintelligible mumbles and moans echoed off the brick walls stopped the pack in their track, only to discover it was none other than GFA just slurring away as sipped from his private elixir that keeps the real demons at bay.
  • Just Sawyer and Just Finn our ghost guard dogs got a little too friendly with the pack without asking for consent, nuzzling their muzzles in everyone’s crotch. Possibly they were sniffing out some ghosts that had moved into long abandoned and run down alleys and shafts

Check out the HASH FLASH Photos here!!!

EWH3 TRASH #1434 – TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY #5

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, September 19th, 2024. Pack will be away right at 7:15 PM, don’t be late!
Where: Anacostia Metro Station
Nearest Capital Bike Share: Anacostia Metro
Hares: Captain Close Encounters of the Turd Kind and his band of merry wenches, Screaming Pussy, Whoriana Trench, Shamrock Your Cock, and Field of Creams!

Violations

  • Our new Private, Just Ann, was cummendated for dressing on theme for her first voyage.
  • Fleet Admiral Lickthyologist was cummendated for acquiring a hook hand for tonight’s trail
  • Private QT, was unfazed by the song of sirens, as he shouted “THE MOON! THE MOON”, and was not looking at anyone’s rear.

EWH3 TRASH #1433 – PSL 2024

When: Thursday, September 12, 2024
Where: Foggy Bottom-GWU
Hares: Poon-apple Juice, Green Eggs and Nam, George Stuffedanoctopus, No Strings Attached, Vagetarian
Virgins: Just Becca & Just Andrew

In the E-Dub Hashing System, pumpkin-spiced trails are considered especially heinous. In Washington, D.C. the dedicated hashers who brave these trails every year are members of an elite squad known as masochists.
These are their violations.

  • It wouldn’t be a PSL trail without a shitty trail, so let’s here about all the ways the hares kept our traditions alive:
    Alpha-Hare Poon-Apple Juice was violated for planning walkers trail to go through low hanging branches immediately after shot check, which is not a great combo, but also wasn’t the bush I would have preferred to be wading through.
  • Vagitarian was called out for, at one point on walkers trail, asking her fellow hashers: “Where are we going”. It was only after a moment that they realized she was their walker hare.
    Chuck Fuck kicked the trail’s chaos of with a bang, asking “Who’s this fucking loser?” as we passed a random muggle on the street. Apparently, he intended to ask about the statue behind the guy, but personally I doubt the believability given that it was a stone statue and not made of wood.
  • His chaos continued when he later referred to Vag Law as “Principal Vagina” in front of a group of school children.
  • Immoral Support decided to add some spice by committing some exhibitionism, and popping his cheeks as he ran past the walkers. Passers-By reported that it was the second brightest moon on trail.
  • Just Becca and Andrew found themselves right at home on their first trail, Becca by keeping up with the front of the runners’ pack, and Andrew by inserting the chaos of vanishing into to social interactions and leaving his wife alone.

EWH3 TRASH #1430 – THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, August 22nd, 2024
Where: NoMA
Hares: Ready Player None, Vagetarian, Sloppenheimer, These are the Tits You’re Looking For, Just Jess

In the true spirit of this trail, violations were looking grim and bleak. The only real violation (or I guess cummendation I had) is that there were almost no violations! So few in fact, that I was able to waste my time away crafting a fun little monologue/game for everyone at end. Here is that:

Hello, its your favorite BOY DIVISION. Your ROSE-COLORED BOY has arrived. Listen up, listen up… as a wise man once said, I’VE GOT A DARK ALLEY AND A BAD IDEA THAT SAYS SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

MY SONGS VIOLATIONS KNOW WHAT YOU DID IN THE DARK. They can see THE LIGHT BEHIND YOUR EYES.

I hope you’ve been counting, because tonight we’re gonna play a little game. If anyone here can tell me the exact number of references to emo music I make tonight, I will pay for your regoes to EWH3 for an entire year… and I hope you’ve been counting, because we started the moment I walked up here.

Now some of you might say that my job is to WRITE SINS NOT TRAGEDIES, but holy shit do I have one to talk about tonight…

WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE! We’re gonna start  with a quick social because there was almost nothing going on tonight. So much so that I cooked up this little game that is.. TOO WEIRD TO LIVE; TOO RARE TO DIE.

I know there are some violations from the crowd, but I’m only gonna do one round tonight. IFyou have a violation to share, you’ll get your chance in a few minutes, but these will be THE LAST OF THE REAL ONES.

Cum Dumpling is being violated for racist attire, and our walker hare, Vagitarian, is being violated for starting us off in the wrong direction + many other minor infractions.

Can I get a song for this AMERICAN BEAUTY (AND) AMERICAN PSYCHO?

Oh MAMA! It was truly DEAD ON ARRIVAL… absolute MISERY BUSINESS on my end. I know you don’t want to KILL ALL YOUR FRIENDS, but come on… rat on them a little bit! I miss the KIDS FROM YESTERDAY. I feel like I was just dealing with THE GHOST OF YOU. I don’t know if you guys are saving your violations for SATURDAY or some later time, but IM NOT OKAY with this. Apparently, THERE IS A HELL — BELIEVE ME, I’VE SEEN IT TONIGHT — with this lack of content. Truly, ALL I WANTED WAS YOU to come give me some violations.

Okay? I need A LITTLE LESS SIXTEEN CANDLES, A LITTLE MORE VIOLATIONS, because otherwise, SUGAR WE’RE GOING DOWN… We’re DOOMED… and that’s personal for me, because well, no violations and THAT’S HOW I DISAPPEAR.

That’s all I got for tonight. I’m gonna wrap this up because it’s about *checks watch* 9 IN THE AFTERNOON. Give it up for yourselves for not fucking up too much on trail tonight. 

If you liked what I had to say… or you want to make me shut the fuck up… I’ll be here all night. You can catch me at the bar later and we can DANCE DANCE and talk about OUR CHEMICAL ROMANCE & who knows… maybe it’ll turn into THE DEATH OF A BACHELOR if you HOLD ME TIGHT… OR DON’T.

The following people made guesses, but all were unable to guess the correct number of 29:

  • Chuck Fuck – 39
  • Burlington Ho Factory – 22
  • BDSM5 – 17
  • My Big Fat Greek Orgy – 24
  • Trains, Stains, and Automobiles – 19
  • Roose Rips – 17

EWH3 TRASH #1423 – SPICE WORLD #4

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, July 11, 2024
Where: Cleveland Park
Hares: Burlington Ho Factory, Jeb!utante, Son What the Fuck, Poon-apple Juice, and How Much Wood Could A Woodchuck Fuck
Virgins: Just Justin

What starts with S, ends with Y, and describes your typical trail? SPICY, but also the other word you’re thinking of, so let’s talk about all the crap that happened on this trail.

Violations

  • Cum Dumpling nearly passed out at beer check and was presumed dead after he failed to show up at End until later on.
  • Chuck Fuck was apparently his inspiration because all of the blunders of tonight’s trail were apparently in part, caused by him not drinking enough water and getting heat exhaustion while laying.
  • In connection, our RA, The Cumburglar! refused to use his weather-controlling powers to relieve Chuck Fuck of the hot temperatures he was experiencing.
  • With their fellow hashers’ lives in questionable states, a few hashers decided to make a spicy trail even spicier (or should I say hornier):
    • RPN was violated for talking about pussy on trail
    • Just Justin was violated for offering shaft to people on trail
    • Just Scotty was just on the edge of a cummendation for going deep into some bush, but ended up going to far and getting a bit of brown on his face.
    • Limpy Gonzalez was violated for solving a tit check. Worried that he might be unsure what the proper form was, a volunteer from the crowd, showed him how it was done (i.e. not by him)

 

EWH3 TRASH #1292 – Bikini Trail #7

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, June 27, 2024
Where: Navy Yard-Ballpark
Hares: Poon-apple Juice, Dry Rub, Shamrock Your Cock, The Cumburglar, Vagitarian, & Close Encounters of the Turd Kind
Virgins: Just Dylan

Violations this week were short and sweet, just like the drawstrings of the bikinis that I was too focused on to be taking more violations.

Violations

  • Several runners ran through a fountain on second half, to which many wondered why they were getting so wet around kids.
  • Chuck Fuck was violated for asking Cum Dumpling how much his penis weighed.
  • Cum Dumpling was violated for replying “Probably like 3… OH WAIT, I thought you meant length”

EWH3 TRASH #1412 – EARTH DAY

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, April 25, 2024
Where: Squirrel Park (Follow marks from Van Ness-UDC)
Hares: How Much Wood Could a Woodchuck Fuck, Burlington Ho Factory, Stain Gretzky, The Cumburglar!, Jeb!utante
Virgins: Just Maggie

Violations

  • The Hares were called out for using plastic cups on Earth Day
  • GFA was seen climbing over the fence of a nearby park to get to start. When asked for comment, he explained that start was “inaccessible from the metro”
    • Editor’s Note: The metro was in the complete opposite direction of where he came from.
  • Seriously 5-10 exclaimed loudly and proudly that he would happily pay for the experience of going to a wedding wearing a chicken suit.

EWH3 TRASH #1410 – WIE-COVERY 2024

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, April 11, 2024
Where: Potomac Yard
Hares: Lickthyologist, Whoriana’s Trench, Too Easy, Blows a Tranny, General’s Farm Animal, Beer and a Bag Full of Dildoes – Good Times!

Having gotten our degeneracy out the previous weekend, this week lacked a real supply of violations. That being said:

  • The Hares were called out for planning a “WIE-covery” trail that featured an excess of hills.
  • Seriously 5-10 was noted to have shown up to trail in the same condition that people saw him leaving in on the previous Sunday morning of WIE