When: Thursday, July 4, 2019

Where:  Anacostia Metro (Green Line)

Hares:  Special Head Kid, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Red Dong, La Gingeracha, Little Zombie Munch Punch, and Jigglytits

Virgins:  a bunch, but we had no scribe so I’m doing this from memory

Visitor:  more on this later

On-After:  Bardo

Here is a dramatic reenactment of trail in GIF form:

Shade Gretzky

When: Thursday, June 27, 2019

Where:  Takoma Metro (Red Line)

Birthday Empress: Shamrock Your Cock

Hares:  Cum Dumpling, Coxxx on Demand, Infidellatio, Issues & Tissues, and You Can’t Handle the Poop

Virgin:  Just Patrick

Visitor:  Rusty Grundle from Chicago H3

On-After:  Olive Lounge

Y’all this was a very special trail for our very own self-proclaimed “Alpha Bitch” Shamrock Your Cock.  She literally told me this at my second trail ever while I was beer bitching, and she’s remained a hashing icon ever since.  It was her 50th birthday, and nothing says “Hashy Birthday, Fuck You” like getting made fun of in front of all your friends after doing a trail with way too many hills, getting rained on, and having such wet shoes your foot feels like a diaper.


  • Dial F was violated for luring Mourning Wood, Special Head Kid, and Heaven’s Gape to sit on his big wood at beer check.
  • Speaking of big wood, What’s a Boner took a big facefull of it tripping on a slippery bridge crossing.
  • Speaking of things about dicks, everyone was so bewitched with all of the rainbow roosters on trail that Schrodinger’s Cock confused “on right” with “car right” and nearly died because he was, for once, paying attention to a cock other than his own.
  • You Can’t Handle The Poop shared that in the winter time stray cats will come and sit on the cover of his hot tub to get warm.  I mean, the man’s got to get pussy some how…
  • And finally, Shamrock Your Cock as the birthday honoree and woman of the hour received a very special violation on behalf of the hares for their over two mile first half walkers trail.  Because honestly, I can’t blame her for thinking that was a manageable distance for all those times Tony Panda told her what 8 inches looks like.

And no naming, but a HUGE FUCKING HASHY BIRTHDAY to Shamrock who apparently fucked right off to Aruba the second trail was over.  EDub loves ya, baby!

On – the hills have thighs – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, May 30, 2019

Where:  Stadium Armory Metro (Silver / Orange / Blue Line)

Hares:  Special Head Kid, Just Roxy, Heaven’s Gape, Seizure’s Phallus, Basement Boy Toy, Melabonin, and Stain Gretzky (that’s me!!)

Virgins:  Just AJ

Visitor:  technically a long-time-no-see-em, Tosh.Homo

On-After:  Trusty’s, where good decisions go to die


  • First, to the Ore-Ho, Son, What The Fuck?!, for buying us Silly Circles.  This is offensive because 1) I take my circles very seriously and 2) because Silly Circles are featured on the “crappy off brands” sub Reddit.
  • Pinnochi-ho was violated for skipping half of trail to snare Special Head Kid, taking his shorts, hoisting them aloft on a giant stick, and then affixing them to a dumpster so he didn’t have to keep holding them, but more importantly, because SHK couldn’t reach them up there.
  • Tragic Carpet Ride was heard commenting that the melty mint julep Jell-O shots looked like a placenta.  First of many questions I have… how do you know that??  And, it didn’t stop me from eating 6 of them and yelling at everyone to help me out on second half of walkers’ trail.
  • The inimitable and resourceful General’s Farm Animal noted that these extremely minty shot checks would refresh your breath both going down and coming back up later.  *retching noises*
  • Our GM, Throbbin’ Hood, was caught demonstrating his bug spray application technique that put bug spray directly into his own eyes… and his hash mug.  Inside and out, he’s certainly making sure that every inch of him is covered!
  • Scooter Kunte, DC-based science teacher that she is, loudly mistook the Anacostia River for a reservoir.  Does she even go here??
  • And a commendation for Just Paul with his giant black beard, olive complexion, and American flag silkies… a look for all occasions, but especially for when you want your dick to say “Freedom,” but your face to say “Detained by TSA.”

And, giddyup, dear reader, we had a very solemn occasion for smurf-handjob professional, Just Roxy!!!

Just Roxy’s a grad student in economics (Go Terps!) and she can’t move backwards.  Maybe It’s Gaybelline is her sugar daddy, by which I mean he supplies her favorite substance to masturbate with (it’s semen).  The meanest thing she ever did was break up with someone because he wasn’t weird enough.  The weirdest thing she ever did was give someone head immediately after anal sex.  She also masturbated in the front seat of a car while her mom was driving.  Some top name suggestions included Kelly-Anne Cumway and The Thin Brown Line.  But because she’s a cougar and has a strong preference for non-white dudes, especially Middle Eastern hotties like Aladdin, Just Roxy shall henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing be known as… They Blow Up So Fast!

On – KaBOOM! – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, May 23, 2019

Where:  Georgia Ave / Petworth Metro (Yellow / Green Line)

Hares:  Scooter Cunte, Roll Over, Bitch!, Heaven’s Gape, Tragic Carpet Ride, Slut Machine, and Barebackin’ Pearls

Virgins:  Justs David, Hailey, and Lexy

Visitor:  Snap, Crackle, POOP! (he homeless) and Barebackin’ Pearls (yay transplant!)

On-After:  Midlands Beer Garden! and I actually went!  Can’t remember the last time I went to an on-after.  But seriously who TF thought it was a good idea to unleash hashers on a bar that is serving a 19.5% beer on tap.  This morning I was feeling a little rough (dot) gov

Violations High School Stereotypes

  • Fat kid: Stain Gretzky had to make a special request to the brew crew (thanks guys!) for napkins to clean Cheeto dust out of her fingerprints to unlock her phone and read her scribe notes.
  • Slutty cheerleader: Just Ben brought his own nipple tassels and was teaching everyone in the alley how to use them.  Fun fact: apparently different types of thrashing make them swing in opposite or the same direction.  See ya under the bleachers later!
  • Science nerd: Dial F was bragging to everyone on trail that his beehives were just around the corner.  His beehives are right over there!  His beehives are just ahead!  But honestly y’all, I shouldn’t have been surprised that when we got there, they were smaller than advertised.
  • Homoerotic jocks: Goldman Ballsachs bent over in the middle of trail to mark a check and Quid Pro Blow read the nearby SPEED HUMP sign as a direction to rail Goldman from behind at full speed.
  • Prom committee: the hares.  Trail was highly advertised, some people kinda dressed up, I drank some booze near a dumpster, it really wasn’t *that* bad, but it was over pretty quickly and I was left asking myself “was that it…?”
  • Running backpack kid: Just David.
  • The kids your mom definitely doesn’t want you to hang out with: the hares, who had us all drinking in public, playing in traffic, seriously contemplating climbing a rusty fence to break into a muggle’s yard, and doing the exact opposite of following instructions.

And we had a very solemn occasion for Just Ahren!!!  Just Ahren has been hashing since February and spends his days managing an inbound call center and telling people to push buttons over the phone.  He’s into acroyoga, tumbling, balancing, and “elbow stuff.”  His fetishes include hentai, social anxiety, and holding his bladder while going through security checkpoints.  He’s a slow cooker, both in terms of food and sex.  But because of his preference for internet porn over IRL stuff, henceforth and forevermore throughout the word of hashing, Just Ahren shall be known as VOIP (Vagina Optional, Internet Preferred).

On – On Wednesdays we wear tetanus – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, April 25, 2019

Where:  Pentagon City Metro (Yellow / Blue Line)

Hares:  #SquadHoles, #SquadHoles’ hover board, Poon-apple Juice, L’Chymen, and Heaven’s Gape

Virgins:  none

Visitor:  The other DADS, who doesn’t know what PUDJAM is

On-After:  Freddie’s Beach Bar Bob and Edith’s Diner

Y’all, it was #SquadHoles’ first alpha hare, yay!  And for a trail that put us underground on the nicest Thursday of the year so far, involved repeatedly running into traffic and an elevator dance sausage party gang bang, and revealed a concerning number of hashers who don’t know which three colors are on a stoplight, it was … yeah it was still shitty.

Also, we need to talk about that freaking train DP while I was trying to do my set in circle.  I’m loud, but not that loud.  Rude.  Anyway, moving on.


  • Our walker’s hare L’Chymen walked into a revolving glass door on trail.  She may have dyed her hair red, but this Harriette is still a blonde at heart.
  • Princess Jizzmine decided that road signs are the new LinkedIn and picked out her next career move: 3 men in a truck for $80 an hour.  Sold!
  • Uno, Dos, Tres LIFTOFF! was caught bragging about her GS-14 status.  It’s not so much the money we’re concerned about, but the fact that her longest relationship to date has been with Uncle Sam.
  • #SquadHoles announced via SnapChat (aka his preferred medium for documenting crimes) this week that he is cancelling his adult summer camp due to lack of alcohol permit, a norovirus outbreak, Brexit, and the release of the Mueller Report.  He’s been so busy telling everyone how “lit” it was going to be he didn’t realize he had been organizing West Virginia’s very own Fyre Festival.  Documentary out on Netflix this fall!

And a big SHAME bell for me for flubbing my period sex joke about the tunnels of love trail being laid with red and sticky marks.  I’m literally named after a menstrual blood stain.  Anyway, we still threw down some towels and made a mess of that karaoke.

On – I petted so many dogs last night – on,

Stain Train

When: Thursday, April 18, 2019

Where:  Foggy Bottom Metro (Blue / Orange / Silver Line)

Hares:  Deathly Swallows, Fist Pump, Colliteral Damage, Head Injury, Cheech & Dong, General Tso’s Dicken, and You Sucked My Battledick

Virgins:  Just Marissa

Visitor:  none!

On-After:  Recessions, you know why


  • Firstly, a commendation to our Brew Crew, Throbbin Hood and Cum Peg Me, for recruiting underage Mormon missionaries to the hash before trail even got started by wearing nice little polka dot dresses and showing off their foggy bottoms in the middle of a college campus.
  • Shot check hares You Sucked My Battledick and General Tso’s Dicken celebrated their trail marriage with the breaking of a glass…bottle of Evan Williams.  Battledick rushed off to the liquor store nearby and saved the day before the runners came.  I sure wish that *my* significant other knew he should go to the liquor store before I come!
  • Birthday bitch Deathly Swallows and fellow hare Colliteral Damage were clocked in their delightful polka dot aprons.  You know what they say, dots in the front, slots in the back.  That definitely made my dough rise.
  • I think the hares got a little confused and thought that this trail was actually the Boozy Horror Brunch Trail we had back in October… we got lost in the dark, there was broken glass everywhere, and we encountered a playground with no kids on it… just Sphincter Shy, shirtless.
  • Tuck Tuck Deuce was overheard complaining about trail, per usual, presumably because someone other than him was getting attention for getting older.
  • SchroCo wanted people to closely observe his infectious looking spread of chest polka dots – watch out unless you want to catch the pox!  The anti-vaxxers might be concerned, but frankly, I’d be lucky if measles was the worst thing I caught from fucking him.

No naming, just a very happy birthday to Deathly Swallows!

On – Naturdays are the new Everyday – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: 3/28

Where:  U St, Green/Yellow Line

Hares: Dial F, Roll Over Bitch, Scooter Cunte, Wank Like an Egyptian and possibly a mystery hare

Virgins: Just Karen, Just Nube, Just Melanie, Just Bridget, and Just Austin

Visitors: Coco from Beijing

PSA waited so long to give The Cumburglur his nacklace that he had to make it himself

Knocked Up, during Prelewb gave the bartender an option of $50, or a handful of coins, $50 was taken

The Hares, for using blue chalk at night, because even in a PC world, colors matter

Captain Crash and Atari 6900 for being Ragnar racist, we get it, you like being in creeper vans together

Just Melanie was begging for beer, beer was received!

Wank arrived on a scooter because we all know they want to ride Scooter Cunte
Speaking of…

Scooter cunte, Heaven’s Gape and Deetz for the shittiest sweeping I’ve seen since a swifter was invented

Just Nube for making trail harder by doing parkor on everything possible

Infidelatio told Cum Dumpling not to kick the dog, and that PETA lover of course kicked the dog (by accident, please don’t sue us PETA)

Everyone who thought they solved a check on the first half…. the pack couldn’t tell… please use your outside voice

Cumlocker has been a no-see-em for so long she forgot that trail starts near metro stops, oh how the mighty have fallen

The Cumburglur and the circle called his mom and sang her Happy Birthday… not hashy birthday!

On – Happy Mama Cumby BDay – On


EWH3 #1121 The Highfive trail

When: 4/11

Where:  Eastern Market, Orange/Blue/Silver

Hares:  Mr Holland’s Anus, Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me, Rail Mary, Maybe It’s Gaybelline, and a Mystery Hare

Virgins: None, go invite your friends!

Visitors:  Just Linda Homeless, Fuck a bye baby from Ithica, Just Limel Homeless, and Cums on Vacation from Senegal

On-After:  The Brig

It was a night of high fives, hairy palm Sunday jokes and extra long circles which are clearly Poon Apple Juice‘s favorite things. The beer was great as we still work through our WIE leftovers and the Naturdays still go down so sweet!


Yachty McYachtface had a foamy beer at beer check and immediately began sucking…. but not because I told her to. Honey, we don’t care why, we are just glad that’s your reaction.

A commendation for Just Limel for singing us all the best visitor song we’ve had in a while.

Heaven’s Gape bragged a bunch for being first to beer check even though he clearly wasn’t… If you ain’t first, you’re last!

Lil Yachty returned to us for wearing a DCfray shirt… you need more friends than us?

Basement Boy Toy no longer has brand new shoes thanks to the contributions from our circle

Maybe It’s Gaybelline has no BDE or confidence in himself because he only buys condoms in a 3-pack… economics be damned!

Speaking of condoms, Quid Pro Blow has been using USAID condoms from his Uganda trip that are apparently 3mm larger than Magnums. No need to brag man!

For real the circle went fooooooorever, but everyone was having a blast!

And finally we should all be commended for getting to the Brig while they still had tables reserved (ooohhh bougie) and the Caps game on!

On- gimmie 5 – ON


When: Thursday, April 4, 2019

Where:  L’Enfant Plaza Metro (LITERALLY EVERY COLOR BUT RED)

Hares:  Mourning Wood, Mistress Cycle, Uno, Dos, Tres, LIFTOFF!, and Fizzy, I think?

Virgins:  Just Sean, Just Johnny

Visitor:  my notes say “Pink Shirt? Seattle?”

On-After:  Tiki TNT

Busted before I could read any violations?: absolutely

Violations that never were:

  • Just Ahren is getting violated for thinking that taking a single apple off the snack table is gonna undo all the damage he did to his body last weekend at WIE.
  • Mourning Wood skipped WIE to scout, imported his sister all the way from Hawaii to co-hare, and the best trail he could come up with was a run around the tidal basin during peak blossom?!  Real innovative stuff there, bud.
  • The hares came up with this trail theme so they could remind everyone how long it’s been since they had cherries to pop.  We get it.  You fuck.
  • Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock wouldn’t shut up on trail about how many hash babies he has.  We get it.  You fuck.
  • Also Twinkle for running down the Wharf loudly telling the story about a lady on a house boat yelling at the hash for making too much noise and dragging us on Reddit, and making a big deal about how he responded responsibly and politely with a classy gentleman’s riposte, the retelling of which apparently necessitated him yelling FUCK in front of a bunch of children.
  • Poon-apple Juice needed a buddy to go to the bathroom at start.  Yeah girl, we all know you don’t take your pants off without at least one other person present.
  • And finally, a violation for all the try-hards who went out and bought Hawaiian shirts specifically for this trail.  And THAT WAS ME AND I STILL WANT MY GODDAMN NATURDAY DOWN DOWN.

Stage direction:

Exit, pursued by an angry marina proprietor. 

On – I have been DENIED! – on,

Stain Gretzky


Stardate: March 29 – 31, 2019

Coordinates: Castle in the Sand, Ocean Shitty, MD 

(e)Mission Leads:

  • Schrodinger’s Micropenis, Rear-end Admiral
  • #SquadHoles, #SquadronLeader
  • Poon-apple Juice, Galactic Correspondent
  • Atari 6900, Space Cowboy
  • Stain Gretzky, Chief Petty Officer

VirginsNot anymore

VisitorShe’s banned from travel events so nothing to see here

On-AfterUnder the table in the hashpitality suite

Let’s play a game.

Match the Scribe to the correct action.

  • #SquadHoles
  • Texas Hold Him
  • Stain Gretzky
  • Wait Wait, Don’t Fuck Me
  • Promptly responded to request for notes with fully formatted trash ready to post.
  • Bogarted circle and talked over the RA the entire time.  Responded to request for notes with “I should get on that!” and waited a whole additional week to send notes.
  • Took three weeks to send trash, even though all violations were from the text submission line and no actual writing was done.
  • Complained about everyone else but still took a month to post WIE trash.  Is cutest.


Reporting in from the Planet Texas:


  • SchroCo once fucked a girl’s belly button. Only hole that was small enough for his dick.
  • Wank Like an Egyptian wore a Star Wars black tie t-shirt, which explains why he never gets invited anywhere nice. SchroCo let out a guttural moan when he saw it, so at least he got to climax once this weekend.
  • SchroCo and You Can’t Handle the Poop took a photo while SchroCo sucked a giraffe’s nuts. So now we have photographic proof that Poop just stands around being weird while other people are getting off.
  • A bunch of christian youth took a photo with #NeverDude in a nasty dolphin costume like they were tourists in Time Square. $12 is the most he’s ever made street walking.
  • Wait-Wait style puns
    • $12 dollars, 12 disciples. I think those christian kids did that on porpoise.
    • “$12 Dolphin” sounds like the poor parody of “Free Willy”
    • Dolphins are just gay sharks. Is #NeverDude the top, the bottom, or a Flipper?


  • Poon-apple Juice said she was too old to be arrested in Ocean City. Well, I thought he was too old for pig tails, so…
  • She also wore sequin pants to trail, even though they chafed. I’m sure she had no trouble finding someone to help her keep her legs spread.
  • Uno, Dos, Tres brought the red tent sash to campout to iron the D back on. I thought there were no D’s at Red Tent?


  • Baron von Jizzmark, our resident polar bear, took a dip in the ocean before bonfire. It isn’t like his dick could get any smaller, but there had to be easier ways to get it wet.
  • I’d violate the runner hares for how shitty second half was, but no one ran it.

Reporting in from the Planet NPR:

  • Stain Gretzky and Slothy Seconds appeared at breakfast wearing banana suits. Talk about an appealing sight!
  • Leaning Tower of Please Ya was knocked over by waves not once, twice, but three times! Guess she hadn’t found her sea legs!
  • While Please Ya was getting knocked by waves, Anal Fission was using a metal detector on the beach. He still didn’t find the spot!
  • In the most controversial move of the weekend, Dude That Guy sliced his bagel in the St. Louis fashion. I certainly hope Dude asked for consent before he fucked that bagel!
  • At Beer Check, You Can’t Handle The Poop placed an order for vegetables. As if we needed reminding that he’s in a vegetative state!
  • Atari 6900 was violated for bringing his lightsaber into circle. Atari, please keep all weapons in a galaxy far far away!

The naming of Just Emily:

Just Emily was born into the white shoed world of white Connecticut and has been thriving ever since. Before making herself cum to the Hash, she spent many years in her home state. After her first sexual encounter in a Subaru, Just Emily praised her partner with a hearty “well done, sir.” I guess mediocrity feels good when that’s all you know!

At her alma mater, Yale, Just Emily hosted naked parties for her co-eds and dated men after scoping out their junk. After engaging rowing, sailing, and other water sports at Yale, Just Emily graduated with a degree in Political Science. Since moving to Washington, D.C., Just Emily has forsaken her role at a prestigious law firm to go into the pie business. Guess that’s why she’s so sweet! I’ll take a baker’s dozen, please!

After much debate, Emily’s privileged background, proficiency in water sports, and overall demeanor earned her the name Yachty McYachtface.

Phoning it in from the Planet Baltimore:

  • Hyperpoop was getting people sweating to a 90’s workout at beer check, who are you, Richard Seamens?
  • The Baltimore guy literally took a shit on BB trail… we know it was a crappy trail but damn
  • Just Morgen called his areola an “aurora borealis” … on theme I guess but your tits aren’t that magical
  • Throbbin Hood was talking about the way he wipes his ass and stated that he “has hours of fecal material”… that was a shitty joke

Final Report from the Chief Petty Officer:

  • When most people find pieces of a dead animal in the forest they make sure not to touch it.  What’s A Boner decided that the most appropriate course of action would be to affix said carrion to his genitals and wear it into a bar.
  • Atari 6900 for being the ballbuster alpha hare and waking up so drunk he couldn’t drive his own car to start across the bridge.  (Actually, this is commendable bc drinking and driving is NOT COOL, but he’s still a pizza-throwing dumbass and should be roasted mercilessly.)
  • Slothy Seconds decided the best place to wait at the bus stop was inside a trash can.  To be fair, I felt left out and climbed into the can with her.
  • Sphincter Shy flashed his baby kilt at the bus stop and nearly caught a ride to start for free.  He’s a DC 4, but an OC 9.
  • I also have written down in my notes “can you get constipated in your urethra?”  Food for thought.

And, a very solemn occasion for Just Morgen!

Just Morgen examines banks very carefully for a living.  He first hashed in 2007, but it takes about 14 months between each cum.  He has ridden a Capital Bikeshare across 66 and sold his plasma for rent money.  He rode a shopping cart to the bottom of a hill and permanently removed all the skin from his hands.  He’s into “Lindsey Lohan in her prime” and thinks Princess Jasmine is super hot.

Suggestions were floated for Ho-Positive and Whorence of Arabia, but due to his affinity for Ms. Lohan and his various and sundry high-speed adventures, henceforth and forever more throughout the world of hashing, Just Morgen shall be known as Herpes The Love Bug.

And I don’t really remember anything after that but I’m still finding glitter in my bed even though I’ve changed the sheets.

On – take me to your leader – on,

Stain Gretzky