When: 6:45 PM Thursday September 13th, 2018
Where: Columbia Heights metro station (Green/Yellow) – Rabaut Park
Virgins: Just Kevin, Just Will
Hares: Chip Off The Old Cock, Quid Pro Blow, No Strings Attached, Deep South In Your Mouth, General’s Farm Animal, L’Chymen

1981 – Britney Spears is born

1986 – She makes her stage debut

1990 – The Mickey Mouse Club rejects B-Spears because she’s too young. Smart move, Walt.

1992 – Britney appears on Star Search

1999 – …Baby, One More Time debuts at number one

2001 – PETA gets angry when Britney performs with both a snake and a tiger. Sounds like my Friday night.

2003 – The kiss

2004 – Wedding number one, lasting 55 hours, ushers in the Crazy Era

2005 – Britney becums a bad mom

2007 – After one day in rehab, things went decidedly down hill

2009 – Circus marks Britney’s cumback

2011 – Her 7th album (WTF?) drops

2013 – Time for a show in Vegas!

2015 – There’s a duet with Iggy Azelea

2018 – This disaster of a trail announcement went out.

Even though he wasn’t there, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack was violated for providing the pack with Oreos that were just…


Goldman Ballsachs was violated for .. everything. He’s been gone forever, and now that he’s back, everyone is begging him: Once this trail shit is over:

Hit me baby one more time?

The Hares were ticking fucking the pack, which many thought made Chip Off the Old Cock a  

But, it was really just women’s empowerment.

Thanks to the hares, this whole trail was…

We were all concerned about General’s Farm Animal. His memory is getting so bad that he started our opening song, but when the dementia kicked in, he got super confused and

Oops, he did it again.

After we finished with all the hits, the pack switched over to the B-side for…

Well, yes. But also…

The Naming of Just Alex

Just Alex blacks out a lot. This floor humper and mattress fucker made himself cum to the hash, thanks to the internet (Holla!). He, and his unnamed penis, continue to cum with the help of computers. Just Alex loves Nature Valley granola bars, ganache, and Swedish fish (or hates them? I’m not sure. My notes are a mess.). He’s blacked out plenty of times – while skydiving, pooping his pants, and during a 30 minute hand job. Despite the pack’s desire to beat that joke like a dead horse, General Tso’s Dicken finished us off with the help of Centaur Roosevelt by naming him…

We trickled on over to Recessions, which is my personal Kryptonite, to channel our inner Britneys.


On – Leave Britney alone! – On
Poon-apple Juice

When: September 6th, 2018.

Where: Ballston-MU Metro Station

Hares: Free Little Willy, Pee It Forward, Bear Fucker, Issues & Tissues, Who Wears Shart Sharts, Cum on My Buddy

Virgins: Justs Bill and Erin

Visitors: Stool Sample, Liar Liar Vagina on Fire, Reverend Ranger Ray, Mommy’s Little Fister, and something about bananas (idk, autocorrect completely took over my notes here)

It’s that time of year! More trails devoted to folks celebrating their future alimony payees/payers legally-bound permanent helpmeets! Ain’t love grand?


Starting us off strong, Just Jones was violated for walking into a pole. Pro tip: around here we back onto those.

Quid Pro Blow couldn’t figure out if he wanted money or a body part during sign in. It’s in the bylaws, dude. We accept both always.

Issues and Tissues was violated for looking like an adorable fairy princess Snapchat filter. Look, there is a balance in the universe, and if hashers start looking like winsome dewy-eyed sprites, someone out there is brutally gored by a unicorn.

Mellow Foreskin Cheese was angry trail didn’t end in his back yard. In a truly disconcerting turn of events, an old man is yelling at us to get on his lawn.

And in some sort of White Dress rivalry nonsense, Twinkle complained about the trail for five minutes straight. While he’s younger than me and has no excuse to be a grumpy old man, he was getting a head start on that business because just like his translucent, sweat-drenched dress, this motherfucker was SALTY.


On “No, seriously, unicorns are dangerous” on,

BMC Tiny Dancer

When: August 30th, 2018.

Where: Minnesota Avenue (Orange Line), Minnesota Ave. side – follow marks to start!

Hares: Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Roll Over Bitch, Six Pigs in a Blanket, Poonapple Juice, Deetz Nutz, and Colliteral Damage

Virgin: Just Emily

Visitors: Well Hung, The Ass Man Commeth, Wet Back Sally

We all love a great excuse to not wear clothes in public. Or to wear not-clothes in public, I guess. The creativity! The courage! The Twinkle Juice! An entire kennel attempting to answer the question of what would happen if a challenge on RuPaul’s Drag Race took place in the storage room of a college dorm!


The good Sir Lancelittle decided that though he had but one sacred duty, he would neglect that solemn trust and flout traditions by wearing apparel to the ABC. He then sassed the scribe for arriving… somewhat behind schedule. But though I was egregiously tardy, I was righteously unclad, and the pack determined by general acclaim that ’twas better late than clothed, and – duly chastened – our honorable knight did down his beverage.

Just Alex and Throbbin Hood were matchy-matchy in their stunning Ikea-themed outfits. They were not the Swedish twins we wished for, but they were definitely the ones we deserve.

Image result for ikea twin men

The inimitable Poonapple Juice was commended on her outfit which managed to be a horny mashup of Madonna and Jacques Cousteau. We are so disappointed that it did not come with a performance of “Like a Sturgeon.” Or dolphin porn reenactment.


And in a tragic example of alcohol abuse, Just Alex baptized Greatest Ho On Earth with Twinkle Juice. While nobody likes to ask, “Why am I sticky?” really no one likes the answer to be “Twinkle and bad decisions.”


On “Naked and Unafraid” On,

BMC Tiny Dancer

When: Thursday August 23rd, 2018

Where: Gallery Place (Green, Yellow, Red Lines – avoid the red line if you can by taking the D6, G8, 70, X2, 80, 42 or P6 bus) – exit at 9th and G. Follow marks to the Portrait Gallery to start!

Hares: Poon-apple Juice, Atari 6900, Mourning Wood, Throbbin’ Hood, No Strings Attached

Virgins: Justs Jamie, Franklin, Alex, Rich, Isabelle, Caitlin, John, Christie, Ksenia

Visitors: Betty Cocker, Dwarf in the Doghouse

Not gonna lie, really regretting using all of my hemline-index economics jokes on the Cropadelphia Trail Trash.  Anyway, trail and skirts were short and sweet, just like I like my romantic partners depositions. And also my Hash Trash. Skirts are a Garment of Power. It is known. Moving on.


The sweeper hare, No Strings Attached, was called out for scampering off without even seeing the back of the pack. Dude, we know you’ve heard this before, but you went way too fast and left folks to finish on their own.

Split Her Bare was overheard talking to Just Christie saying, “Texas is a little too hot for me”. He gets that a lot, but really it’s not the heat; it’s the humidity. He’s a sweaty motherfucker. On the plus side, everyone loves a wet t-shirt contest!

And when canvassed for violations, La Gingeracha complained that the Hares laid a trail too short for him to come up with anything funny. He was dragged into circle with them for the crime of implying that there could be a trail long enough for him to be funny.


To cap off this delightfully brief trail, we had…

A Naming!

Just Virginia is from Denver and went to school in L.A. On a xylophone scholarship. Which is a thing we now know exists. She came to DC as a teacher but hates children with a Trunchbullian enthusiasm generally unseen outside of cartoon villains and dystopian fiction.

Her younger years were peppered with stories of underage drinking, fucking a boy cross-dressed as Hannah Montana, and how everclear incites her to domestic violence. We’ve all been there, amirite?
In college she professed that aside from her diligent xylophoning, she was very into rugby. Wait. No. Reverse that. Most of the rugby team was into her at one point or another. In an anatomical sense. By which we mean sex.
More recently, she got up to some shenanigans on a Columbia Heights soccer field and was chased off by the local constabulary while incompletely clothed. (Exit, pursued by a pig.)
While there were several suggestions involving her team playing and Hannah Montana-banging, the crowd decided to nod at her educational and recreational activities by dubbing her The Whore You Know. Please congratulate Rosetta Bone on the newest addition to her brood.


On “Short skirts and shorter attention spans” on,

BMC Tiny Dancer

When: Thursday, August 16
Where: L’Enfant Plaza – Maryland Ave/7th Street exit – follow marks to start in Hancock Park!

On this joyous occasion, the Hares provided marital advice:
Red Vag of Courage “Listen to her.”
Hungry Hungry Homo “Make sure the table runners match the cumberbunds.”
Red, White, and Poo “Continue being cheap.”
Sphincter Shy “Conceive!”
Deathly Swallows “Let her take it.”

(I can only assume she meant “take the last nug”)

Virgins: Just Ansel, Just Kevin, Just Kerry, Just Alex, Just Shelly (Kelly? Unclear..), Just Melanie, Just Lucy, Just Tenzen

Visitors: None. You don’t invite strangers to your wedding.

Ok, first off I want to note that no one involved in last night’s festivities had ANY right to be wearing a white dress.

Wait, what’s that? The color white is not symbolic of virginity? Rather, the color blue was connected to the concepts of purity, a la the Virgin Mary? Well, then I stand corrected.

At least there were plenty of similarly clad individuals to confuse the evil wedding spirits. And, you guessed it, they did some stupid and confusing shit.

Red Vag of Courage was hit by a car on her way to trail and still showed up to alpha. Wait, isn’t it the bride and groom who are supposed to go down?

Bipolar Bear couldn’t tell the difference between roofies and penicillin.

Mourning Wood was so horny that he called every bar by name, as long as that name was Rhino-related.

Despite Brew Crewing, Schrodinger’s Cock dressed for his photo shoot at Anthropologie.

Just Ansel and Just Kevin tried to keep it tight with sit-ups, forgetting that it’s actually kegles that they should’ve been doing.

Just because the Hares shared their personal advice doesn’t mean they didn’t hide more well-wishes for the happy couple throughout the trail. Luckily, I was there to translate.

The Hares took us past the Titanic Memorial. Translation: May your marriage never sink.
They walked us past a dentist. Translation: May all your blowjobs be toothy.

Walkers had to put forth twice as much effort as the r*nners. Translation: May you always shoulder the weight of the world equally.
And finally, May your marriage be as long as that trail. And waaayyyy longer than Twinkle’s dick.

First cums love, the cums marriage, then cums…


The Naming of Just Kyle

Once upon a time, The Hyperpoop awoke his roommate, Just Kyle, from his peaceful mid-workday slumber to make him cum to the hash. This amateur porn addiciando likes it natural, but is averse to bushes. He “used to” like animated hentai (as opposed to what other kind of hentai…?), but then he turned 13. This little engine that couldn’t has let down numerous women, whether they request it to be harder, fist-ier, or just somewhere outside of the bedroom for once. While I’m personally intrigued by his band camp days as an oboe player, he’s much more interested in fucking sheep. For reasons that I (and he) can’t quite put a finger on, Dr. Too Little swooped in to save the day, naming him…

With two new Mr.’s and one new Mrs. in tow, we walked the long aisle to Mission, where tequila reminded us all of why we filed for that divorce.


On – always the bridesmaid – On

Poon-apple Juice

When: Thursday August 9th, 2018.

Where: Woodley Park/Adams Morgan (Red Line)

Hares: Schrodinger’s Cock, Poon-apple Juice, Son What the Fuck?, General Tso’s Dicken, and GeriatricMandering

Virgins: Justs Pierre and Kelly
Visitors: Œdipussy, Dewalt Thunder Pussy, Sex Ray, Anal Vinyasa

Schrodinger’s Cock can see adulthood from his apartment and celebrated by treating us all to his idea of a good time: an unpleasant itching sensation and pretending to be someone else for attention. To be fair, some of those costumes were pretty darn good. There were Battledicks and He*ad Injuries and Gaybellines and at least two SchroCos. There were kitten-shirt-sporting Tragics. Some folks swapped identities. And – totally unbiased – a magnificent representation of Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer.  Anyway, congrats to SchroCo for not dying young.

We ended things in Town Tavern and circle was brief and bibulous with birthday beverages!


Mambo Number Hives wanted everyone to know that she “took the turkey split and solved it just fine”. Ok. 5 points to Ravenclaw. You need to know that the typo I had was Ravenclam. And I like that better. Ravenclam it is.  You are now Mambo of the House Ravenclam.

Atari 6900 showed off his inimitable style by barrel-rolling down a veritable mountain. It is unknown if he wailed anything romantic as he did so.


But the most important information… Wait Wait is one of DC’s most eligible bachelors.  This is not a joke. This is beyond humor. This has passed through joke and gone into some strange land beyond. I leave you with this fact. The pic is a link. You are not ready.

On – Undiscovered cuntry – on,

BMC Tiny Dancer

When: Thursday July 26th, 2018
Where: Dupont Circle. Go to the middle of the Circle and look for exposed midriffs.
Hares: Stain Gretzky, Slothy Seconds, Groundhog Lay, Donald Dick, Cheech & Dong, and Rail Mary
Virgins: Justs Ian, Ryan
Visitors and long time no see ums: Agent Orgy, Abominable Blowman, Areola 51, Little Thunderclap, German Dungeon Porn, Groundhog Lay

There is a famous economics principle known as the hemline index which states that higher stock prices correlate to higher hemlines. In these uncertain times, the appropriate response to a trade war and massive wealth gaps is obviously… crop tops. All of the crop tops. Enough crop tops to ward off an apocalyptic collapse. If we have not yet devolved into a barter economy  as you read this, you are welcome. 


The poor dear Maybe It’s Gaybelline set the bar comfortingly low by failing at the down down song. In front of the virgins. While mostly sober.  I do not know if the depth of shade in my opprobrium is sufficiently clear, but y’all, I bothered to type “opprobrium.” Bless. His. Heart.


Donald Dick showed up in a corn shirt. No, not Korn, the aggressive soundtrack of my comparatively tame youth, but corn, the grain whose major redeeming qualities are subsidies and horror movies tortillas and fermentability. We are fortunate it did not display beans or squash, as it turns out the gentleman in question profoundly misunderstood the concept of “crop top.”

The Cumburglar was encouraged by the admiration of a dirty old muggle and is rejoicing to have found his demographic. It’s not teen girls. Several of those pointed and laughed. Haters gonna hate, Cumby, don’t you let them dim your shine.

Atari 6900 brought out pizza, ate it on trail, didn’t share it, and ran off. He was righteously violated in absentia for a malicious dine and dash.

To cap off the ill-advised shenanigannery, Slut Machine and (shocking) Gaybelline were overheard discussing a found tampon and the use of this item to rectally administer tequila to the aforementioned dick-waving wonderboy. 1) The title of this specific bad decision is a Tequila Moonrise, and 2) I’m pretty sure that tampon was legitimately scared that things were about to take a dark turn.

On a positive note, L’Chymen was commended for trading crop-tops with the surly scribe. Defying all reason, physics, and the hopes of an entire pack, the shirt managed to contain L’Chymen‘s …tracts of land.

There was no naming, and we happily fucked off to Recessions!

On – Midriffs and Merriment – On,

BMC Tiny Dancer

When: 6:45pm Thursday, August 2, 2018
Where: Rosslyn (Blue/Orange/Silver Lines)
Hares: Pay As You Go, Special Head Kid, Seizure’s Phallus, You Sucked My Battledick, Yes We Camry
Virgins: Just Sherry, Just Gwen, Just Mike, Just Althea, Just Patricia, Just Mike (again)

Dear lord, not this same name shit again…

Visitors: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lubricant
Transplants: Uppercunt

In 1900, an American civil engineer (John Watkins) predicted that, by the year 2000, the letters C, X, and Q would no longer be used. He thought they were “ompletely unneessary and etranious.” Eh, he might have a point on the Q though.

In 1905, Popular Mechanics predicted that the “Electronic Handshake” would allow a physician to examine a patient in another city. 

In 1949, they predicted that computers of the future may weigh “only” 1.5 tons.

In 1955, Alex Lewt (president of a vacuum company) predicted nuclear powered vacuum cleaners in every household. Instead, we have Roombas. With cats.

In 1966, Fred Freeman created artwork illustrating the year 1999 – complete with climate control domes, flying boats (so, planes?), and rocket belts.

In 1995, Robert Metcalfe (co-inventor of Ethernet) predicted that the internet would collapse in 1996.

In July, the Hares predicted we would celebrate their shitty trail in end circle. We.. yea, we didn’t do that.


First off, some commendations:

Congrats to Lance-a-Little because, for the first time ever, a woman told him he was being too loud.

L’Chymen was commended for graduating. From grand theft pussy to grand theft auto. To be fair, she needed a car for transportation, since she couldn’t figure out how to install her handlebars.

Commendations to everyone who survived WH4 campout last week. And then a swift violation because you learned nothing and showed up to the hash this week anyway.

The Hares clearly knew their trail was shitty, as evidenced by the fact that they let us know where end was before we even started. Talk about premature.

Tony Panda tried to be a good host this week, welcumming a harriet from a town famous for their local beer scene. When asked to provide libations of the local sort, he procured… Yeungling?

Schrodinger’s Cock saw a cute little bunny and started chasing that hare. I would be a little meaner about it, but it’s a nice departure from his track record of chasing away pussy.

Our new transplant Baa Ram Him was fiending for a beer on trail, so he reached right on in to his neighbor’s knapsack. This just illustrates what we all know: When things get desperate, go for the back.

Speaking of going for the back, Mourning Wood, when faced with a field full of mud, bravely braced himself and… ate shit

Is that literal or figurative?

Cheyanne attempted to pay our lovely hash cash with Sacajawea coins. Folks, despite the easy access slots, we DO NOT accept coins.

Violations didn’t stop at the end of trail. Oh no…

Once at the bar, Lube Bottom Me channeled his inner Casper when he met the man he ghosted on Grindr.

A mysterious wanker played Cinderella to Mourning Wood’s prince charming, as he circled the bar attempting to find the owner of a lost tech shirt.

With no circle, no specials, and no real sense of purpose, we stumbled around the Continental for a while before parting ways and legs.


On – the future is now – On
Poon-apple Juice

When: 6:45pm Thursday, July 12, 2018

Where: Fort Totten (Red & Green lines)

Hares: Cheech and Dong, GeriatricMandering, General Tso Dicken, A Midsemester’s Night Cream, and Tuck Tuck Deuce

Virgins: Justs Andy, Sam, Miranda, Justin, Christie, Josh, Kevin

Visitors: Jigglytits, Either Way

Oh, the poor hares stewing in bitter resentment for having the flicker of their birthday candles outshone by Christmas lights, menorah candles, Yule logs, pyromaniac uncles, New Year’s fireworks, and general consumerist holiday bullshit.

Every year. And every year, they wished on those underappreciated candles for a moment to feel special. Loved. Uplifted.

They got pack of unruly wankers sporting sweat-drenched holiday attire instead.


While we usually start off with experienced hasher antics, at least two Justs were brought into the circle for… feedback. Winning for favorite Virgin was Just Justin who brought us all sweets for the snack table. As an orally fixated group that enjoys taking candy from strangers, we let him know that we’d follow him to a windowless white van any night given Thursday. On the other hand, Just Alex needed to be reminded more than once that we point with our elbows. Repeated unwelcome fingering, my dude, we don’t put up with that; this isn’t a church.

Pooples Mountain Majesty regaled us with the tale of how he made some new friends on the rainbow police squad during his adventures at the DC Eagle. What nefarious crime was he the victim of? Someone grabbed his sac. On the plus side there’s video! This looks to be the beginning of a lucrative career in the CCTV porn niche, and we couldn’t be prouder.

Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me got a little carried away with his safety equipment and was found with a condom on his shoe. On the one hand (foot?), gosh, when you work up to using those where they’re designed to go, it will blow your mind. On the other hand, I’m not here to kink-shame. Pro-tip: be real sure to spell your kink correctly when you search: it’s pOdophilia, mmkay?

We commended the transplant Jigglytits for attempting to scoop up some trail treasure while running through the streets of northeast. They started off their DC hashing career by being rejected by a stranger! Welcum to the family, JT!

Osama bin Hashing noted, while in a cemetery, that he’d had sex in one once. When asked if his partner was alive, he could not answer. Here’s a hint, buddy, if you need a Ouija board for your consent check, you have made several terrible life decisions and are likely to be eaten by a grue.

Throbbin Hood and Just Andy were caught drinking bizarre concoctions and improved on them by crossing the streams, trading fluids, and touching dicks. Well done, gentlemen!

Finally, the Hares were righteously violated for their traumatizing shot check. Bile-colored and tasting of mint and self-loathing. It induced flashbacks to that time after the intervention when the only thing you could find to drink was an unholy amalgamation of Scope mouthwash and NyQuil.


And after all of that, we had a Naming!

Just Brittany is from small town in Wisconsin, and Bipolar Bear made her cum. They worked the Hill together. Our intrepid lass has a degree in economics and then, for shits and giggles, law. During her youth, at the moment of first coital adventure, the gentleman in question bailed out last minute shouting, “Jesus won’t forgive me!” She can get quite rowdy in her sexual adventures, and has ended up with both strained ribs and bruises all over from being pinned to various surfaces. Lucky for her, she has a mom who is very kind and understanding and says things like, “Looks like you got fucked up against a wall like this! [action pose] And this! [action pose] And probably a little like that! [action pose]”
Just Brittany nearly swore off sex forever due to being scarred by dramatic maternal reenactment of her sex life, but she managed to allay those qualms with heavy drinking and hooking up with bartenders at their bars.

Due to the religious fervor in her early sexcapades and the motherly recognition of her sexual stigmata, she was anti-christened Rail Mary by the cheeky Midsemester Night’s Cream!

On-Happy birthday, fuck you – on,

Blow Me Closer, Tiny Dancer

When: Thursday, July 19, 2018

Where: Pentagon City (Blue/Yellow Line)

Hares: Roll Over Bitch, Kooter Kunte, You Can’t Handle The Poop, Tragic Carpet Ride

Virgins: Just Luke, Just Emily, Just Bob, Just Chad, Just Catherine, Just Emily

Visitors: Missile Anus, Nyakkdaaw, Kitty Litter, Trailer Swift (but like, the other one..), There were also some confused PUDJAM hashers

Throughout history, there have been many odd couples linked only by a name.

Mark Wahlberg & Mark Walberg

Michelle Williams & Michelle Williams

Howard Stern & Howard Stern

Jean Simmons & Gene Simmons

Brian Wilson & Brian Wilson

Adam Scott & Adam Scott

Trailer Swift & Trailer Swift

Girls, this is just a friendly reminder that if you share a name, it’s technically masturbation.

Now that we’ve all got some interesting fantasies running through our brains…


Please Step Away From The Whores is used to getting called by the wrong name. Rarely is it daddy.

Tragic Carpet Ride was excited to have a plethora of palms near his junk.

Cum Brew Lay’s balls were passed over for Pokeballs.

Atari 6900 is vehemently opposed to receiving a Blow’N’Go from a stranger, while Midsemester Night’s Cream is happy to let Cheech and Dong tongue her balls.

There were more violations, but I was drunk and we had a very solemn duty to perform…


Just Tamara is not a mean person and has, like, no ragrets. She didn’t want to go to college a virgin, so she had post-prom sex in a giant-ass truck. After a few years of quarantine at Johns Hopkins, she took her super luxurious pussy to Starbucks to give blowjobs to greasy European models. The plot of her own personal porn has taken her to a Costa Rican Hooters, a funhouse mirror hall, the bathroom of a public pool, and a coffee farm.

After an exciting boob-off in which Rosetta Bone’s champion proved victorious, Just Tamara shall henceforth and forevermore be known as…

Caffeinated and chaffed, we moved on to Freddie’s Beach Bar for karaoke and fried pickles (I know that sounds like a euphemism but I actually ate fried pickles at Freddie’s. I didn’t have a “pickle” in my mouth for at least another five hours).

On – wishing to be the friction in your jeans jorts – On
Poon-apple Juice