EWH3 #592 – WNDC Fail Trail, Virginia Square

HaresSrsly, all of WNDC:  Cunt of the Litter, If I Were A Stiff Man, Cocktuplets, Peter Peter Manhole Eater, My Little Pony, EZ Pass, Can You Rear Me Now, Fluffer No Butther, Chip ‘n’ Fails (sort of)

Brew Crew:  The Udder Ho, Shamrock Your Cock

Virgins:  Just Kennedy, Jessica, Bill, Matt, Tom, David, Kelly, Olivia, Jill, Erin, Andrew, Cole, Kristin, Anya, Shannon, Eric and James

Visitors:  Up Her Alley (Ben Franklin Mob (Philly) H3), Just Braden (Eugene, OR H3), and some chick who didn’t know who she was or where she was from

Analversaries:  69–Fuxedo; 100–Cum of a Preacher’s Hand.  If there were any more, I blame the four shots for not writing down what they were.

Ononon:  Hunan No. 1

The pack circled up in a field in scenic No Va.  We’d decided that namings hadn’t been interesting enough lately, so we brought out the fuzzy handcuffs, to cuff some poor unsuspecting Just to someone who’d get some good dirt out of him or her.  We decided that Chip ‘n’ Fails would be a good interrogator, and, much to his chagrin, we cuffed him to Just Joe.  After that, we were off.  The pack ran towards Ballston, and before we knew it, we reached the first shot check, red bull and vodka in a parking garage.  Now that we were chock full of energy, we headed back onto trail.  After a minimal amount of shiggy, we got to the second shot check–Firefly.  Mmm, tastes like bad decisions.  But enough about my weekend.  After a brief stretch on the Mt Vernon Trail (or was is the W&OD trail?  Virginia confuses me.), we ended up at beer check in another parking garage. 

Well hydrated, the pack set off on the second half of trail.  In almost no time, we ended up at the third shot check–I don’t know what it was, but it was bright yellow, and it was served behind a truck.  Stay classy, WNDC!  After that, trail took us to Clarendon, where we found the fourth shot check in a parking garage.  Best yet, this shot was 4LOKO!!  I think we may have lost Whisky Business  and WOWO around there, but fortunately for them, we ran out to Wilson Boulevard, only to double back to the fourth shot check location and end up there.

Violations:

  • Red Vag of Courage was trolling craigslist looking for ads about poop.  I think there are more specialized websites if that’s what you’re into, ask Savage Love.
  • Chip ‘n’ Fails used a safe word to get out of his handcuffs after all the dirt he could get out of Just Joe was heavy breathing and, “he’s fast.”
  • Just Kelly complained about the water crossing, saying, “As if I’m not wet enough already.”  No such thing!
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock supplied the hash with fuzzy handcuffs that, despite having a live-in girlfriend, he’d never used.  FAIL.
  • Just Martina was too horny to wait to pick up guys at the on-on-on and opted for straddling a fencepost instead. 
  • Imaginary Girlfriend thought Just Martina was a man.  Come on, it’s not that dark, and you weren’t that drunk.
  • Cum Dumpling needed help putting Icy Hot on his ball sack.
  • Peter Peter Manhole Eater was the other kind of racist and confused Fucks Up, Doc? with Have Fun Storming the Asshole.  Dude, not all Asians look alike.  Not even all Chiwegians look alike.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! is trying to raise funds for a wounded soldier campaign.  Just because you haven’t been getting laid, that doesn’t mean you’re wounded.
  • Wax On, Whacks Off and Tit-Ka-Boob wore matching scrubs.  Aw, what a cute couple.
  • Also in the cute couple department, Whisky Business and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock went off together to pee during beer check.  The couple that sprays together, stays together!!
  • Double-Ohh Positive said he was too drunk to hare the walkers’ trail, but he wasn’t too drunk to take all our money at sign-in.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Just Shannon and Just Jess both wore brand new drinking vessels.
  • Tits for Tots boned up on her language skills by learning how to say “cougar” in Welsh.
  • Whisky Business claims he’s not gay, but he was waving at dudes like a chorus girl.
  • Uh-Oh, A Squirty Ho!, despite being a virgin and there being a ton of new, single, female harriettes in attendance, was only talking to dudes all night.  That explains so much, no?
  • Just Shy–look at her name, she needs no other reason to be violated.
  • Cum Dumpling has more hair on his ass than he does on his head.
  • Whisky Business chugged 4LOKO but was still jealous of a girl who had boxed wine.
  • Motor Mouth wore his Hef robe again.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Joe went to Lehigh, the mascot of which is the Mountain Hawks.  He now works for a defense contractor, as an engineer and likes Peter Pan and horses.  During Just Joe’s freshman year, he was getting head from a girl on the top bunk in his dorm room, she fell off, and the RA came in and investigated him for domestic violence.  Maybe that’s why he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 21.  That fateful night, or, more accurately, those fateful 3 minutes, Just Joe was dressed as Santa Claus, the girl was dressed as an elf, and he kept his beard on during sex.  Damn, and I get annoyed when guys don’t take off their socks.  He’s been arrested twice, once for a drunk and disorderly that sent him to the hospital when he got his ass kicked by a parking meter.  Just Joe was recently out grabbing random girls’ asses, though I wonder if whoever told that story got the gender mixed up, because Just Joe has also gotten kicked out of Remington’s for taking his shirt off.  Finally, Just Joe went looking for a man on craigslist (what’s with all the craigslist this week?) and found St. Pauli Girl.

Nominations that didn’t suck were:

  • Santa Claus is Cumming
  • Don’t Tase Me, Joe!
  • We Three Queens
  • Jolly Old Saint Frick
  • Never Never Slammed
  • The Virgin Hairy
  • Saint Dickless
  • Come On Prancer


It was a tough call, but Come On Prancer narrowly won out over Never Never Slammed  After a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, drank really big beers, and tried to get laid.

Bisous,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #591- A Red River Runs Dry- Hashlor Party!!! Trail (Takoma Park)

 

Hares: A Red River Runs Through It, Cumdumpling, Coxxx on Demand, Brokeback Mama

 

Virgins: Just Danny, Richard, Jackson, Brian, Emily, Willis, Brian, Chabon, Sherellb, Owen

 

Visitors:             Loose Change (Hillbilly Hash)

                        Mother May I (Estranged EWH3; Homeless)

 

Ononon: Roscoes Pizzeria

 

 

The pack circled up on a nice grassy knoll outside of the Takoma Park metro stop.  A Red River Runs Through It had deemed the hash his best way to spend his last night of freedom.  His fiancé, on the other hand, was not present since she went with the traditional sweaty-guy-rubbing-his-junk-everywhere type of party.  Wait a second…

 

There were plenty of dogs present (I mean the ones with fur on 4 legs and for once am not being chauvinistic…come on, it’s the summer at EWH3!).  This was great because Have Fun Storming the Asshole’s pup used her doggie-senses to warn us of the sh!tty trail ahead by, you guessed it, actually taking a sh!t in the middle of the start circle.  We thought it was funny at the time.  If only we knew…

 

The pack merrily (yes, merrily) ran through the beautiful streets of Takoma, MD before coming to a beer stop in an alley.  Kudos to brew crew, whose spectacular parking job made a really enjoyable bottleneck around Plan B, creating two different beer checks.  You got that, virgins…two separate areas to be awkwardly hit on.  After drinking we ran some more- hit some false trails, trekked up and down some hills, and then finally came to the end where we were welcomed by Wax On Whacks Off and an 18 pack of Vienna Sausage cans.  Can anyone say “processed-meat-juice-shot?!”

 

 

Violations

 

Put it Out was in Europe where he said he’d had the best hotdog in his life in Vienna, but he didn’t have to travel all the way across the world to go down on some Vienna Sausage.

 

Speaking of Vienna Sausage, when most people say they’re bringing an 18-pack they mean beer.  Wax On Whacks Off, on the other hand, went with processed meat.

 

Sphincter Shy was paired in a wedding party with a 15 year-old girl.  We don’t know what he was doing exactly, but apparently his dad had to remind him that she was only 15.

 

Mother May I just came back from OBGYN school where she admitted to “spending a year putting fingers up butts.”

 

I’ll Push Back and I’ll Packa enhanced their homosexual image by wearing matching Christmas-themed shirts to the hash.

 

PoPo Disco was overheard telling General’s Farm Animal that she “only wanted the mustache.”

 

All MisManagement was violated for having a 42-message long e-mail chain on the correct spelling of bukkake.

 

The Hares were violated since even a dog recognized that it was literally a sh!tty trail. 

 

Wank Like an Egyptian showed up to a hash dressed like an Egyptian Charlie Brown.

 

Chic’n Fuck’er looked like Lance just out of chemo.

 

Just ______ showed up wearing new shoes to the hash.  Use your imagination as to what happened next.

 

Blows a Tranny announced that he needs to get away from Bush. 

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Roll Over Bitch is having a tough time adjusting to girls swallowing (probably because he’s used to the other gender…)

 

At one point, Vienna Sausage departed from his usual lumbering pace on trail to an all-out sprint.  The logical conclusion?  Hiding Jews ahead.

 

A Red River Runs Through It decided to spend his last night of freedom hanging out with a bunch of sweaty guys- funny because Colleen, his fiancé, was doing the same thing.

 

 

There was, of course, a special event before the usual special event: MisManagement deemed it only appropriate that, since A Red River Runs Through It was committing to only one vagina for the rest of his life, we must bukkake him.  Or boobcocky?  We didn’t know, but a lot of beer was shot in his face nonetheless.  And then we got back on track to….a NAMING!

 

Just Melissa is an accountant.  She was a Seminole at Florida State before coming to DC.  The meanest thing that she ever did was run over a kid on her bike back in the day.  Once, in Atlanta she got drunk off of a latte drink with Jager and then fell over.  She lost her V-Card at 18, and has had a certain substance shot in her eye on multiple occasions.  She lives with lesbian lovers and is notorious for taking unsuspecting hashers back to her place, where she expects much but gives little in return.  She was once in a Fuji Film commercial as a little girl.  Seeing as we are EWH3, guess which part of her many stories we chose to run with…

 

Names:            The Goggles!  They Do Nothing!

                        Fuji Filth

                        E Pluribus Sploogum

                        My Eye Captain!

                        Gator Bait

                        Catcher in the Eye

 

After little deliberation (I mean, it was dragging on) the hash decided that henceforth and forever more, Just Melissa would be referred to as, you guessed it, Catcher in the Eye!

 

The beer was cold, the pizza was good, and everybody was happy.

 

 

See you tomorrow,

Whiskey Business

 

 

EWH3 #590- Cinco de Mustache Trail (Van Ness)

 

Hares: Hungry Hungry Homo, T!ts for Tots, Konichi [email protected], Just Lauren, y possible Mystery Hare

 

Virgins: Just Tenley, John, Ian, Rob, Grahm, Dave, Nisha, Dan, Heather, Jessie, Denai (?), Stephanie, Chris, Peter, Fred, Matt, Jeff, Ryan, Elise, Mora, James, Bill, Rebecca, Shabon

 

Visitors: Wax On Whacks Off from Nigeria, not to be confused with our own WoWo..mainly because this one is a she.

 

Ononon: Guapos

 

 

The pack circled up at Van Ness with plenty of time to check out each others’ mustaches.  For those hashers that are facial hair challenged, there was also ample time to choose your favorite mustache fake-tattoo, Band-Aid, or take a marker to the face.  I’m not speaking from personal experience or anything…mine was totally real…

 

After a rousing rendition of Cinco de Mustache, the pack ran off and soon found itself in the woods.  Darting back and forth across the rocks along a tiny stream with over a hundred mustached people chugging along behind me, I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it felt like crossing into Arizona these days (or out of, who wants to be in Arizona anyway?).  As the pack came out of the woods we were greeted by T!ts for Tots and a healthy amount of straight, high-class tequila shots.  I’m positive that it was Patron.  After the early shot-check the pack ran along for a bit more, lost trail here and there (but can you really lose something that was never laid?  Hmmm), and eventually came to the beer check in an alley behind some houses.  Rear Protein Injection soon began to sweat, and not because of the heat but because of our location, only to be reassured by the owners of said houses came out to oogle at us, and then drink with us. 

 

There was a second half, but at that point I was preoccupied with trying to plan my attack on the virgins (which, we found out later, 11/13 of the female virgins were single.  Note to self: high odds does not ensure success).  We ended by the electrical tower, drank, and enjoyed the brief company of a cop.

 

 

Violations

 

Blows a Tranny kept talking about pulling things out of his ass, only he wasn’t being figurative, he was being literal.

 

6 Pigs in a Blanket and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me wore their Tough Mudder t-shirts because they wanted to prove that women can be tough.

 

On to a different, less funny and more serious type of racist, Just Jade was overheard saying “Kool-Aid check” when we ran by some folk.

 

The Hares took all the time in the world to draw the cute little mustaches on trail but forgot to actually take the time to lay a good trail.

 

I’ll Packa wanted to make out with T!ts for Tots’ mustache.  Not her, just her mustache.  This explains why he was seen leaving Apex last weekend.

 

Butt Fuck Norris learned that when you wear a race shirt to the hash, you’re a racist, but when you wear your Muay Thai boxing shorts, you’re just gay.

 

Just Keith, Rob, Andrew, and Eliza painted a huge target on their backs when they decided to simultaneously rock out in their GW cross-country uniforms and make it even more painful for us alumni to associate ourselves with that school.

 

All the virgins were violated since we could not figure out which hasher blew himself up to get all 72 of them there.

 

RU-469? attended a donkey-punch class.  And I thought there were some things in life that you can’t teach.

 

General’s Farm Animal offered tequila to virgins, stating “open your mouth and let it fall in.”  Just because you say it to them when they’re sober doesn’t make it less creepy when you try it again later.

 

Just Mike was overheard describing how “the first time was my fault but the other two were consensual.”  As long as you’re batting over 500 buddy…

 

Just Allison was commended for puking and rallying on trail

 

Rumpleforeskin brought 4 Justs and was subsequently bukkaked.  (NOTE TO SELF: when google-ing “bukkake” for spelling purposes, do not be shocked by what comes up)

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Because of their mustaches, we could not tell PoPo Disco and Just Josh apart.

 

Don’t Ask was the closest thing we had to a Mexican for our Cinco de Mustache hash. 

 

6 Fags wore a fanny pack to the hash filled with candy because he was on a mission to get to 7 Fags.

 

Whiskey Business was can’t get any but just because he doesn’t grow chest hair doesn’t mean he can go after a priest.

 

 

And then, of course, we had a naming!

 

Just Sam, who looks like a more creepy version of Christopher Walken, went to West Point (Mule) for his undergraduate education and Providence (Friar) for his masters.  His favorite sexual position is doggystyle.  His dad once walked in on him and his girlfriend, who was on top, and stayed to watch.  He once chaperoned a dance and slept with one of his students’ date (clarifications: his student was a male and so the date was supposedly female; said students were in college already).  One time he had sex with a girl and then came on her friends’ face.  Oh, and he commands a battalion.  Wait, what?!?

 

Some names:

 

Lester the Molester

All Over My Face!

Permission to be Nasty, Sir!

2 Girls, 1 Nut

Double Tap

Bay of Pigs

 

RPI’s Bay of Pigs stole the show, and it was decided that Just Sam become Bay of Pigs.

 

We ran out of beer.  Guapos had good food.

 

 

 

Did anyone else find Betty White oddly attractive on SNL this week?

 

-Whiskey Business 

EWH3 #589 – Urban Cowboy Trail, Minnesota Avenue

HaresGaystation, Red Vag of Courage, Six Pigs in a Blanket, Six Fags, Axl Blows

Brew Crew:  JAG Queen, Saskatchewsnatch

Virgins:  Just Alice, Clare, Marissa, Michael, Miranda, Sid, Natalie, Alex

Visitors:  Chicken Pot Guy (New Orleans H3), Eat My Twat (Sir Walter Raleigh H3–transplant)

Analversaries:  100 runs–Double-Ohh Positive

Ononon:  Remingtons

 

The pack circled up in a field in the middle of the ghetto.  The runners’ hares had given Axl Blows a speech to read, but since EWH3 has no attention span whatsoever, he ended up getting a “shots fired” in opening circle.  Real smart idea for this neighborhood, kids.  After that, we were off.  Trail went on and on and on, and we eventually ended up in Anacostia Park.  There was a turkey-eagle split right before the river.  The turkeys crossed the river over an old, wooden bridge and then climbed around a fence to end up near RKF Stadium.  While crossing the river, we saw a beaver–no, not that kind of beaver, get your minds out of the gutter, folks!–an actual beaver, swimming in the river.  The eagles had to ford their way across the river and probably caught all kinds of diseases.  Use condoms, kids!  After that, the pack came back together, ran past the Stadium and through some neighborhoods until we came to the shot check, Sparks in the swanky back yard of a really nice house.  There were two guys and a couple of little kids hanging out in the back, and when someone asked, we found out that that’s where Six Fags lives.  That explains so much about his name!  Once we had some much-needed energy and booze, we ran a few more blocks to a beer check in an alley. 

That was already about 4.5 miles, kids!  There was a second half for runners, including another beer check, and from what I heard, it was short.  But after a surprise ball-buster the week before and a r*ce the previous Sunday, I was a lazy scribe and decided to walk the second half.  We ended up in Garfield Park, where we were visited by a “stripper” on a motorcycle, who, fortunately, told us not to make him come back here again, and rode off into the sunset, leaving us to drink more beer.

 

Violations:

  • Axl Blows–we didn’t know Kid Rock was coming to the hash!
  • Keyless Entry fell and hurt herself, so now instead of being a cuddle muffin, she’s a crumb cake.
  • Six Fags came out on Facebook today:  either we’re all really proud of him, or, after last week’s very special violation, he really should have learned to never leave his cell phone unattended around his friends.
  • Chip ‘n’ Fails was confused:  from the waist up, he was ready for the hash, but from the waist down, he was going scuba diving.
  • Just Melody is pregnant, which means she is allowing Axl Blows to reproduce.  He had to drink for 3. 
  • Cum Dumpling tried to run opening circle in the middle of the street, even though Wookin Pa Nub just got busted for that.
  • The hares, because bitches set Axl Blows up!
  • 6 Pigs in a Blanket said, “it’ll be too tight in there, but you can try.”  That’s not what we’ve heard. 
  • Just Jade was carrying a fuel belt water bottle because her mouth gets dry.  Dude, the guys at the hash won’t care, as long as other parts of you are wet.
  • The hares loaded all the liquid in the rear.
  • Just Kathy doubled over when she heard someone say, “look, a beaver!”  Um, they weren’t looking at you.
  • Six Fags left his virgin stranded.  You don’t want to do that, they have so much to learn!
  • Vienna Sausage won the award for desperate pickup line of the week by telling a harriette, “I’m a secretion agent.”
  • Just Anne made a purse into a denim vest to go along with the theme tonight.  You made it work, but it’s the hash, not Project Runway.
  • Bitch on bitch on Bitch and Just Anne couldn’t open their throats enough to shotgun a beer, and refused to let Put it Out teach them how.
  • I’ll Packa and General’s Farm Animal whipped out their flasks to compare sizes.  I’ll Packa’s was bigger. 
  • And finally, Mile High Snub was heard saying, “That was refreshing and disgusting at the same time.”  We’re not sure if she was referring to the Anacostia River, or to Under the Semen’s lovemaking the night before.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Just Jamie dressed like Debbie Does Dallas.
  • Tits for Tots dressed according to theme in circle, even though no one else did.
  • Whisky Business ran by the school he teaches at and didn’t get propositioned by any 12-year-olds.
  • Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’  was on all fours and was still taller than Six Fags.
  • Chip ‘n’ Fails really, really wanted to scribe, so he could have another excuse to creepily pick up dudes.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! was disappointed that no one confused him with Mayor Fenty this week.  He also didn’t understand what the neighborhood kids were saying.  “Excuse me, stewardess, he doesn’t speak jive.”
  • Whisky Business was heard yelling, “Prick check!” on trail.  I know it’s small, but do you really need to tell us all when you’re making sure it’s still there?
  • Put it Out, unlike Chip ‘n’ Fails, ran by four schools without trying to creepily pick up anyone. 
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me told everyone to bring extra towels, because it’s gonna be a mess.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Anne went to Bryn Mawr, a women’s college, where she majored in cunning linguistics.  While she was there, she got harassed by lesbians, lost her virginity (yes, to a man) just before graduation, had sex behind the admissions building, kissed her ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend, had a threesome that she doesn’t remember, and danced around a May Pole, which may or may not be a euphemism.  Just Anne is into older men and S&M, she likes to be tied up and bent over things.  She was once strung up in a doorway with telephone wire.  She studied in Jordan for a while, and smuggled goods back into the US.  Just Anne doesn’t get embarrassed by anything, but she did walk in on her brother once, which was kind of awkward.  She is now a teacher, and all her students know she’s a breeder.  Just Anne also peed behind a dumpster after her first hash, but we all know that’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior.  Finally, when Just Anne hooked up with a wanker who will not be named, she was so loud that afterwards, the wanker’s condo association made a rule against extremely loud sex in the building. 

Nominations that didn’t suck were:

  • Tongue Tied Up
  • Denial Tone
  • Cunning Linguist
  • Wireless Family Plan
  • Reach Out And Fuck Someone
  • Safe Word
  • Dumpster Diving
  • Shoulda Cum Louder


The crowd really liked the S&M angle, so Just Anne was named Safe Word.  Then, we all went to the bar, sang karaoke (and what the hell kind of gay karaoke bar has no Lady Gaga?  It’d be acceptable at a straight bar, but Remington’s is far from straight), and tried to get laid.

Besos,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #588- The Forest Glen Trail

 

Hares: PutItOut, BrokeBackMama, CoXXXonDemand, Just Joe, and Just Anne

 

Virgins: Lost that sheet in ensuing debauchery, but I do recall a virgin who stated that she was “extremely single.”  Probably better to have not lost her name…

 

Visitors: See above.

 

Ononon: Quarry House Tavern

 

 

 

Due to poor planning and the awesome traffic in the DMV, I showed up with Wax On, Whacks Off at a more depressing than usual Forest Glen Metro stop, as a great big group of wankers had already hit the trail.  Though not there, I can imagine it was something like this – PutItOut double and triple checking the trail map despite the fact that he has hared this same trail multiple times (the memory may be going…), hashers commenting on their epic treks out there (the start was 200 meters outside of the beltway), virgins looking around nervously for the Washington monument or any other sign that they weren’t about to get led into the woods for the world’s largest recreation of a certain scene from Deliverance.  You know, the one with the banjoes…perverts.

 

Relying on WoWo’s excellent ability to shortcut, we wound up at the first beer check before the runners.  There were cans of beer and champagne lying around, with a few 4loko mixed in.  This may have been the first time 4loko was in Maryland, but hopefully not the last.  It’s a movement and it’s spreading.  The second leg took us through some fun, quick trail running, where it was great to have a headlamp.  Read: When PIO says bring a headlamp, BRING A HEADLAMP.  The second beer check was held along some abandoned railroad lines (I assume they were abandoned, but maybe all of MD looks like that when you’re that far out).  After more trail running, blowing past some confused diners out for a nice meal, knocking over civilians (We’ll get to that later), and going up wrong parking garages, we ended in an alley off Georgia Avenue in Silver Spring.  They didn’t say A-Z for nothing, kids.

 

We drank, sang songs, and tried our best to say offensive things without offending people:

Violations

 

Just Mary , who came to the hash sporting dreads and multiple piercings, has obviously made a lot of poor decisions in her life, except for sleeping with Mannipple Lickter.  In due time.

 

The Hares only brought 2 cans of 4loko.  Didn’t they know that when you go to 7-11 you always have to buy a whole case?

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock decided that complaining about dry and itchy skin to a girl was a good way to get her attention- and give her a heads up that he has Chlamydia.

 

Sphincter Shy sent an email to his workers from his hash account.  Just because it is sphincter.shy does not make professional.

 

Cutting Class was so sweaty (How sweaty was he?) that he was the sweatiest Columbian outside of a customs line.

 

PutItOut informed this scribe that he had been “Oreo-d,” you know, when someone throws an Oreo in your beer and you have to chug it and eat the Oreo.  But there was no Oreo at the bottom.  Blasphemy. 

 

Clappy Birthday showed up to the hash dressed like a reject from a Mad Max Movie.

 

Hungry Hungry Homo complained that he cannot fit a whole Whopper into his hand.  If he struggles with that much meat, then how does he get through his many lonely nights?

 

Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho was overheard saying that he was afraid of dark holes- well no shit, how else do you explain the V-card??

 

Just Ian was worried that we were violating personal property on trail.  Obviously this concern shows that he has never been laid.

 

C.L.I.T. was worried that the trail was going to ruin her pedicure.  Little did she know that some guys were lined up to ruin her bikini wax.

 

I Manual Cunt was congratulated on being back at the hash.  Now he can annoy us in person as much as he does on Digby’s!

 

Just Amy fell into the sewer water, so this was a heads-up to any guy lucky (?) enough to take her home- MAKE SURE SHE SHOWERS.

 

Wank Like an Egyptian had the night’s most desperate game when he logically concluded that since taxis pick up women, he should just stand in the taxi line to pick up women.

 

Gaystation wanted to win all three legs so badly that he knocked over a poor old woman trying to get up some stairs.

 

Just Rebecca bit Vienna Sausage’s hand a couple of hashes ago.  She should know that when we say sausage, we’re not referring to his fingers.

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Come on, you guys remember what happened, don’t you?  Two rounds of violaters being brought in the circle because of crickets?  Shape up!  Though Manniple Lichter was appropriately violated for knocking over all of the orange food and Oreos.

 

And then it was time for that thing we call a NAMING!

 

Just Mike went to American University.  He was 20 when he lost his virginity (yikes!).  His favorite Disney character to masturbate to is the one from the mermaid movie.  You know, the Little Mermaid.  His most embarrassing sexual moment was when he was drunk and having sex with his girlfriend, Mile High Snub.  Wait, there’s more. 

 

When he was done he want to go take his condom off (their condom?) but could not find it.  Using his power skills of deduction, he decided to look in the only place imaginable- her vagina.  This was really our focus on the naming, and some possible names were:

 

Power Bottom

Small Wonder

Splash!

Little Mermade Me Cum

Under the Semen

 

After much deliberation and voting, it was decided that Just Mike now be referred to as Under the Semen!

 

The hash finished up beer and went on for more beer over at the QHT in the form of PBR tall boys.  Oh, and about those tater tots….

 

 

Yours truly,

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #587 – Tunnel Recovery Trail, Foggy Bottom

HaresUnderground Railroad, Cock-a-Doodle-Me, Pittsburgh Kneeler, Felon DeGeneres, and Brokeback Mama

Brew Crew:  Mannipple Lickter, Roll Over, Bitch!

Virgins:  Just Ben, Phil, Stephanie, Chuck, Scott, Vicki, Dave, Chris, Matt, Andrew, Rob, Jeremy, Eliza, Dagny, Erin, Elizabeth, Lisa, Keeley, Clare, Eva, Kate, Christina, Kevin, Mitchell, Rachel, Sam, Alex, and Stan

Visitors:  Cherry Peddler (Samurai H3), Garden of Beatin’ (Bloomiongton, IN H3), Ho White and the 7 Dwarfs (Anchorage H3)

Ononon:  Recessions

 

After last week, for the first time ever on a Thursday, the whole entire pack did NOT want to get wet.  Fortunately, the hares were much obliging:  Instead of getting us wet, they took us around every dorm, frat and sorority house on GW campus… which, come to think of it…  After that, the pack headed toward the Kennedy Center, ran through the Watergate, and down to the Georgetown Waterfront, where the trail pretty much disappeared.  After a lot of back checks, bad trails, no trails, and FAILs in general, we finally picked up trail again, and ended up at the beer check near P Street Beach.  Unfortunately, the police were already there.  The pack backed into some trees nearby, people filled up pitchers from Plan B and passed them back to the crowd, but a lot of people weren’t getting any beer that way due to the crowd.  Now, that’s not the kind of dry that I want to be at a hash.  Fortunately, a few resourceful souls went to a liquor store, got a few cases of beer, and some of us had our own beer check underneath a weeping willow.  WIN.   

Being one of the 10 people who helped down a case of Natty Light at the DIY beer check, second half of trail is a wee bit blurry.  It was short, and we ended up downtown in an alley.  We didn’t circle up there, though.  No, we got our bags, headed into Recessions, a basement bar with really low ceilings, and had end circle there.  At least the hash was kind enough to buy us each a big beer, seriously, those mugs are the size of my whole torso. 

 

Violations:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock not only got a new dude magnet, er, dog, Hoover, he named him after something that’s very good at sucking.
  • Keyless Entry thanked 3-2-1-Fuck Off for dressing her.  Shouldn’t he be doing the opposite?
  • Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho! didn’t remember his own name.  Dude, isn’t it supposed to be other people’s names you forget, later on?
  • Just Greg and John 3:69 both wore brand new drinking vessels.
  • A Salt My Ass got lost when he left the GMU campus and ended up finding the hash.
  • The hares, because I want my $5.  Five dollars.  It’s like Better Off Dead, but with inflation.
  • I’ll Packa wasn’t getting enough attention from And I’ll Push Back so he took a shot in the eye from Just Brian.
  • Spinal Tap:  We didn’t know Harry Caray had a long-lost twin.
  • Brew Crew parked Plan B in spot #70 at beer check, even though 69 was open.
  • Just Andrew had phone sex on trail– wait, no, he was just calling his mom to tell her he was ok. 
  • I’ll Packa and Just Katy were holding hands on trail.  This is a hash, not a Lifetime Original Movie, y’all!
  • Shetland Blow Me and Just Kristin had sex at beer check instead of doing it on trail like everyone else does.
  • Tony Panda swallowed too much.
  • Whiskey Business tried to shotgun a beer, and gagged because it was too big, and it erupted all over his face like an Icelandic volcano.
  • Just Cynthia was wearing a t-shirt that said, “UCLA.”  Just Julie was wearing one that said “Fuck UCLA.”  They should re-enact that in circle for the pack, no?
  • Just Mary wanted to rename Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho! “Pretty Pretty Princess,” showing that she already knows what EWH3 is really all about.  On a side note, Uh-Oh, your sash abnd tiara will be ready soon.
  • And finally, Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho! (yup, again–it’s like he’s trying to be the new Topher) complained about his wrists hurting from holding my beer.  Funny, I’d have thought his wrists were in plenty good shape.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Whiskey Business didn’t finish his down-down beer, and it didn’t end up on him, either.
  • Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho! got called out by Monday, Sticky Monday for flirting with the scribe.  For the record, Monday was not referring to me, but to Whiskey Business.
  • An Inconvenient Poop thought she was in Panama in the 1940s, at least judging by her hat.
  • Poke an Eye Out turned down a shot.

We didn’t do a naming due to being indoors, so instead we just all drank more giant mugs of beer and tried to get laid.

 

Grosses baises,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #586The 6 Pigs can’t find Hungry Hungry Homos eating Veggies inside Haystack Trail, Ballston

Hares: Eat your Vegetables, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, 6 Pigs in a Blanket, Hungry Hungry Homo, and a mystery hare?

Misc: Dog-friendly, and absolutely no need to bring a headlamp, dry clothes, or swimmies…oh wait…

Virgins: Were there*

Visitors: Were there*

Ononon: Caribbean Breeze/First Down/Warm Shower

*Come on, I’m a bit rusty at this!

 

It was a Thursday, so of course I was happy.  I mean, it’s the hash right?  Could anything bad happen?  Even not-getting-laid can still be a good hash- trust me, I know from personal experience.  Each week.  So I grabbed my bags, logged out of Weather.com, and headed over to Ballston, where dreams come true.

The pack circled in a courtyard just across the street from the Ballston metro and took off to the Custis Trail.  It was a pretty straight straightaway, which was nice of the hares, since I’m sure everyone in the hash is training for a 10k.  Thanks guys! 

But there had to be some other reason for this trail, which we of course came to eventually- a tunnel!  After a couple hundred yards (I think- does anyone know?  Bueller?) it began to sound like a gigantic toilet began to continually flush over our heads.  And then the water began to rise.  So look, I’m not going to belabor the point- it sucked, people were and still may be mad, but you have to admit, how freaked out must the people on that street have been when 60-some people came flooding (PUN!) out of the manholes?  Anyway…

The pack had a beer/buddy check and then it was another straightaway to that other Ballston parking garage that is not Washington and Lee High School.  So far as I know, everyone survived DisasterHashFloodofDoom ’10.

 

 

Violations

 

Mannipple Lickter admitted that he has never been punched in the face before, so the hash being full of drunk assholes should be a good place to get that taken care of.

 

Eat Your Vegetables told another hasher beforehand that “you’re going to hate this trail.”  No sh*t!

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock made a detour on trail to ChippenFails’ rugby friends’ house where he “left his bag.”

 

Cock Strikes 12 and his wife wore “Just” and “Married” shirts.  There really wasn’t much there, I was just annoyed that I had to face the fact that I am a drunk asshole who may be lonely his entire life.  Awkward…

 

CoXXX on Demand came out of the manhole looking like he was in a mudbath, confirming that he is a metrosexual.

 

SWAB had to actually stop and think when I asked him if he had fingered a dead hooker.

 

We all felt like sewer rats after that tunnel, but Cum Dumpling was the only one to fully embrace the look. 

 

Just Collin stated that that was the longest tunnel he’s ever been, then immediately mentioned to Tits for Tots that he had seen her naked, making me wonder what he meant when he said tunnel…

 

After sitting on Haystack-ass stained ice, 6 Pigs in a Blanket managed to have the most undesirable vagina at the hash.

 

Butt Fuck Norris and My Little Pony had essential technology on trail and were rewarded with beer!

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Happened, but it was loud (HASH HUSH!) and my pen ran dry….

 

 

And then it was time for that thing we call a NAMING!

 

Just Collin went to the George Washington University where he studied foreign policy.  He now continues to work with the University, clinging onto the dream and hitting on underclasswomen.  Just Collin’s favorite Disney movie was the Lion King because he wants to have sex with Nola.  Yes, that’s Disney beastiality if you were wondering.  Just Collin said his most embarrassing sexual experience was a bout of premature ejaculation, followed by a boner walk across a party to the bathroom.  He was then reminded of the time that he went down on a girl his freshman year who proceeded to shoot her own load at his mouth.  At least both stories have a common theme.  Oh yea, and he’s still a virgin (sorry buddy).

 

 

Fun Naming Suggestions:

 

  • Chester Cupperbutt
  • Sprayed and Neutered
  • Ohno
  • Lickedy Spigot’s Series of Unfortunate Events

 

and

 

  • Uhoh! A Squirty Hoe!

 

After much deliberation and yelling, it was decided that Just Collin would become Uhoh! A Squirty Hoe!  Now about that V-card….

 

 

We sang, drank, and tried to hit on young professionals at the bar.

 

And I’m back to doing my job!

 

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe 

EWH3 #585 – Cocks in Peter Peter’s Tail Trail, DuPont Circle

HaresSlumcock Anywhere, Cock-a-Doodle-Me, Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock, CoXXX on Demand, and Shamrock Your Cock

Brew Crew:  Blows a Tranny, George Stuffed an Octopus

Virgins:  Just Zach, Mike, Marishka, Lisa, Sean, Beth, Alex, Joshua, Jamie, Nate, Paul, Allison, Margaret, and too many more to keep track of

Visitors:  Big Trouble in Little Vagina (San Francisco H3), Fat Boy Slim, Anal Something-or-other (Seattle H3)

Analversaries:  17 runs–Mile High Snub, Holy Milk of our Mothers, Little Bunny Poo Poo; 69 runs–Fuxedo, Leggs Over Easy, Assfault, Me-Likee-Lickee-Ca-Ca; 200 runs–Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow

Ononon:  The Big Hunt

 

The huge pack circled up at DuPont Circle and took off through the surrounding neighborhood.  Parts of trail looked really familiar.  Like, I see last week’s flour familiar.  We eventually veered off in Rock Creek Park, where we had to climb down a very steep hill that ended in a dropoff straight onto the Parkway–safety third, y’all!–followed by a creek crossing.  Speaking of which, what’s up with the people who took their shoes off to cross Rock Creek?  Your shoes are gonna get nasty if you keep hashing, so get used to it.  We climbed up the other side of the hill and ended up at a beer check near Georgetown, where the hares had hidden Easter eggs.  Some had jello shots inside, and others had condoms–the perfect accoutrements for a hash!  One leads to the other, after all.   

The first half of trail had an Easter Egg Hunt.  The second half had a flour hunt, but there weren’t any special surprises that were hidden, just the trail.  We somehow managed to zen into downtown, and ended up in an alley a few blocks from the bar.

 

Violations:

  • Chicken Phucker heard that Fruit of the Poon likes it shaved, but didn’t realize that she wasn’t referring to his head.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! passed the PIMP test or something, not that that’ll actually enable him to get laid.
  • Just Claire wore new shoes that were such a bright shade of pink, it looked like a vagina puked all over them.
  • Manipple Lickter was disappointed that he went to Nellie’s the night before the hash and didn’t get hit on by any dudes, despite the fact that he was on a date with a girl.
  • Assflac, because until we saw his shirt, we didn’t know that doing a tri would make him bi.
  • The hares said trail would be safe, but they were April Fooling us.
  • I’ll Packa returned from Afghanistan and missed his, uh, hetero life mate, And I’ll Push Back so much that he went directly from the airport to the hash.
  • Just Scot whined that he was slow because he didn’t stretch before the hash.
  • Just Brendan and Just Kelly didn’t get their own names right in opening circle.  You’re supposed to get someone else’s name wrong, and later.
  • Assflac loved his trail from last week so much, he convinced this week’s hares to lay it backwards. 
  • Just Sam pooped on trail and blamed it on the dogs.
  • Just Erin was talking about how hashing always makes her hungry, even though there are lots of wankers who’d be willing to feed her their protein shakes.
  • Motormouth tried to do his best Hugh Hefner impersonation.  It didn’t work, because Hef is blacker than he is.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Eat Your Vegetables lost his flip-cup virginity and ended up puking all over the trailer.  The first time is always painful.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock went to pick up condoms to put in the Easter eggs, and was given two bottles of lube, because, “[he’ll] need it.”
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler went to a bar and picked up a Quaker.
  • Jingle Jizz out-rednecked Double-Ohhh Positive at the NASCAR races.
  • Chicken Fuckr tried to be as sexy as Rear Protein Injection, and failed.
  • Cum Dumpling still doesn’t know how to do chalk talk after months of being GM:  one of the virgins drew a true trail arrow.
  • Just Anna wore brand new drinking vessels.
  • Fruit of the Poon tried to get away with wearing a raceist shirt inside out, but she couldn’t fool Chicken Fucker.
  • Double-Ohhh Positive was smoking like a chimney while running circle, even though RPI and Chicken Fucker were there representing all the cancer survivors.
  • JAG Queen proposed.  Congrats on only sleeping with one person for the rest of your life!
  • The hares used an ice cream scoop to lay perfect circles of flour on trail… when they laid flour, that is.

Then it was time for the cops to show up and bust up our circle.  We dispersed pretty quickly and headed to the Big Hung (Yeah, I know it’s the Big Hunt, but that’s my favorite Freudian typo and I’m keeping it), where we all drank more beer and tried to get laid, or at least not arrested.

 

F–k the police,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #584 – Woodley Park/Zoo/Adams Morgan

HaresAssflac, Wank Like an Egyptian, I’m Lick James, Bitch!, Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’

Brew Crew:  Fucks Up, Doc?, Buttfuck Norris

Virgins:  Just Zach, Mike, Marishka, Lisa, Sean, Beth, Alex, Joshua, Jamie, Nate, Paul, Allison, Margaret, and too many more to keep track of

Visitor:  Hand Job (Guam H3), The Saint (Brooklyn H3)

Analversaries:  69 runs–Pittsburgh Kneeler; 300 runs–Put It Out

Ononon:  Millie & Al’s

 

The pack circled up at the entrance to Rock Creek Park, and off we went.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was expecting a long, rough slog.  Just look at who the hares are–all FRB’s, so of course they’re gonna take us on a death march.  It wasn’t as tough as I had feared, though there was a really steep downhill bit of shiggy where you basically had to hold onto a fence to climb down.  It was like horizontal rappelling, which I’ll have to try in some other context.  Trail may not have been a complete death march, but, rather, the hares set out to confuse us into exhaustion.  We got back to the start, but there was no beer van in sight.  We did see true trail arrows telling us to repeat going in the same direction, and checks marked as the second one at the same corner as the first.  Obviously the hares didn’t get the memo that the hash is not nearly smart enough to follow those directions and would likely end up repeating the first half of trail all over again.  Fortunately, most of the pack was able to read, and managed to reach the beer check at the Spanish steps in Dupont Circle.   

 

This trail was about 5.5 miles long.  At least 5 of those miles were in the first half:  the second “half” was a straight shot into the on-in, at least to anyone who’s ever hashed in Adams Morgan.  The actual trail?  Who knows, it probably went in a lot of circles first.

 

Violations:

  • Shetland Blow Me has a new hairstyle that can only be describes as a “mullethawk,” or perhaps a “mohullet.”  Both the punks and the rednecks from the 80s called, and they want their hair back.
  • Assflac tried to pass up the herpes he got from fisting PIO as poison ivy.  Nice try, kid.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails brought the biggest, butchest, most bearish virgin he could possibly find.  Just like every other Thursday.
  • Whisky Business missed trail because he was at his school’s talent show, teaching his students how to “express themselves.”  Those kids are all gonna turn out gayer than Christmas.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me said she didn’t want to get wet.  Unlike every other Thursday.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack also can’t find a way to take his race chip off his shoe.
  • Assflac brought the pack on one of his triathlon training runs without giving us bikes or floaties.
  • Tangled Up in Poo is giving up.  Whooooooores Closing! is settling.  Congrats, kids!
  • Slamda Slamda Slamda said she’d like to come once this spring. I’m sure there are lots of wankers who could help you with that.
  • The hares were dressed like Playboy Bunny rejects… and PIO always makes fun of the GW kids for wearing jorts. 
  • Cum Dumpling claims that not only is he prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker (true story), he’s also better than her at faking an orgasm.
  • Eats Street Meat and Chicken Phucker didn’t get enough on trail, so they ran off to have sex immediately after.
  • Poop Weiner’s back in town!  That’s ALWAYS acceptable hash behavior.
  • Rear Protein Injection is the worst PhD ever:  he admitted that he doesn’t know everything.
  • Wank Like An Egyptian called dibs on violating himself, even though it’s always better when someone else does it for you.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Chicken Fukr said his cargo pants were PI repellent, despite the fact that we all know PIO’s attracted to anything that reminds him of ‘Nam.
  • Blows a Tranny failed to live up to his name:  he saw an actual tranny on trail and didn’t blow her (him?). 
  • RU-469 pretended not to be a hare, that’s how shitty the trail was.
  • Just Liz complained about putting her hand in mud.  She would’ve complained more if she’d known it wasn’t mud.
  • Tits for Tots and RU-469 both went to Asia recently and came back looking strangely satiated.  How do you say “MSG” in Swedish, anyway?
  • Hungry Hungry Homo got some road head but didn’t come.  
  • That’s because Cocky didn’t follow through.
  • Assflac showed up at the hash looking like he got raped by the Under Armour Fairy.
  • Whisky Business needs Child Protective Services to take him away from PIO.
  • Hungry Hungry Homo, Jason Mraz called, he wants his hat back.
  • Wax On, Whacks Off was so lazy, he got virgins to carry his dog for him.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining about circle, saying, “Back when I was songmeister…”  Everyone get off his lawn!
  • Whisky Business said there was too much beer in the down-down cups.  Lightweight.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! enthusiastically dug into the ice after Assflac sat on it, because he didn’t get enough STDs on trail.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock has a problem with Pittsburgh Kneeler wearing lace underwear to the hash.  You’re doing it wrong. 

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Robin is from South Carolina and went to Savannah College of Art and Design.  She is now an oil painter and art teacher to 1st and 3rd graders.  When asked what her favorite sexual position is, she replied, “Depends,” AND her porn collection has a lot of golden showers involved.  Make of that what you will, folks.  Just Robin likes to watch porn with guys and then pee all over them, or maybe vice versa.  The meanest thing she’s ever done was to beat a guy up with a shoe when she was 12.  She lost her virginity when she was 16.  Just Robin used to play rugby for a team called The Shamrocks, and she’s now a rugby official.  She once passed out while having sex, and the guy finished all over her face.  She spits, shaves into a landing strip, and likes the cock.  Finally, Just Robin’s favorite Disney movie is The Jungle Book.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Urine Luck
  • Georgia O’Queefe
  • Out in Place On my Face
  • The Mask
  • Pay Less
  • Finger Taint
  • DSW:  Double Squirting Whiz

and

  • Baloo Me In The Face

Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Robin will be known as Baloo Me In The Face.

 

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  We finished the beer, headed to Millie & Al’s, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid, even though those last two things are often mutually exclusive.

 

Don’t Stop Believin’,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #583 – Get Lucky on St Patrick’s Day, Mt Vernon Square/Convention Center

HaresMy Little Pony, And I’ll Push Back, Leggs Over Easy, Sphincter Shy

Brew Crew:  Chicken Phucker, Homeland Insecurity

Virgins:  Just Heather, Drew, Chris, Sarah, John, Alexis, Dani, and a whole hell of a lot more

Visitor:  Just Mark (Honolulu H3), Just Leah (Kona Crab H3)

Analversaries:  17 runs–And I’ll Push Back, Forever Virgin, Trim Shady, If I Were a Stiff Man, Oops, I Blew Him AGain; 169 runs–CumSquat

Ononon:  Kelly’s Irish Times

 

Top o’the mornin’ to ye!  Erin go Bragh!  After drinking our asses off on St Patrick’s Day, the pack donned their finest green running clothes and met up outside the convention center, to do it all again, with a run thrown in too.  Much like most everyone’s day after St Patrick’s Day, I don’t remember all that much, because I was suffering from an epic case of jet lag, but here goes:  Trail was shaped like a shamrock and featured the best urban shiggy DC has to offer.  Before too long, we reached the first shot check and had shots of straight Jameson.  Tastes like burning!  We went around another leaf of the clover, passing an ice cream truck along the way.  Some folks lingered at the ice cream truck a bit longer than necessary, but for once, I wasn’t one of them.  After that, the pack reached the beer check on top of a parking deck.   

 

After having the hair of the dog, we took off again.  The second shot check was green jello shots, which, curiously, made me want to sing karaoke.  A few shots later, we got to the on-in, in the same parking deck where we had beer check.  We could’ve just stayed at beer check and kept drinking, but I guess the jello shots made the extra distance all worth it.

 

Violations:

  • 3-2-1 Fuck Off gave up on his vow of chastity and came back to EWH3.
  • Put It Out tried to relive his youth by playing beer pong at a party the weekend before.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler was wearing a t-shirt that said, “This is what a Feminist Looks Like,” despite the fact that she wouldn’t know a feminist if one sat on her face.
  • Whisky Business complained that his last bike ride tore out his asshole.  How the hell does he ride a bike?  Without a seat? 
  • Daffy Fuck brought a permission slip to come to the hash, signed by his wife.  Someone’s pussy-whipped!
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock went through puberty while conducting circle. 
  • Mile High Snub said she was hoping for Asian Mix tonight.  Now, I’ve had Asian Mix recently, and you really don’t want to go there.
  • Oops, I Blew Him Again tried to recruit guys to join her kickball team by promising blow jobs, but not from herself. 
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places was a little too excited about that ice cream truck.
  • Just Mike refused to take a jello shot on the grounds that it’s not vegetarian, even though a few nights beforehand, he had eaten chicken, which didn’t even contain any alcohol. 
  • The hares promised the walkers shots and didn’t deliver… teases.
  • Just Brian asked before the hash, “Was I supposed to shave my balls for this?”  Yes.  Yes, you were.  When in doubt, always manscape. 

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots complained about how Asian Mix made her sick.  Now, Swedish meatballs, on the other hand…. 
  • The hares laid a trail devoid of shiggy. 
  • A bunch of little girls saw I’m Lick James, Bitch! running by and started yelling, “Mayor Fenty! Mayor Fenty!” proving that even black people think they all look alike.
  • Whisky Business’s dad is disappointed that he turned out to be so gay, to which he responded, “I wasn’t always this way; that didn’t happen until college.”
  • Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow couldn’t find a urinal, so he peed on his tie.
  • I Manual Cunt is a media slut; he was one of a panel of “beer experts” in the Washington Post.
  • It’s Tony Panda’s birthday!  Happy birthday, fuck you.
  • Put It Out said, “OMG,” and “LOL” on trail:  Just because you text like a 12-year-old doesn’t mean you have to talk like one.
  • I Manual Cunt, the ’80s called and they want their Members’ Only jacket back.
  • Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner got a new job on the Hill, where his duties will no doubt involve hanging out under desks and doing things with cigars.
  • Tits for Tots tried to learn how to say “cougar” in Mandarin while she was on vacation, but learned to say it in Swedish instead. 

Then the cops came, and we were just about to pack up, but by the luck of the Irish, they went away, so we had time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Alex went to Johns Hopkins and does genetics research.  Yup, another one.  He loves the cock.  No, really:  his favorite farm animal is the rooster.  The meanest thing he’s ever done was to throw a cell phone at another guy’s balls.  He lost his virginity at the ripe old age of 22, to a 35-year-old cougar who was his best friend’s babysitter when they were kids.  Just Alex prefers missionary position, so he’s boring in bed.  He once got a blow job from a Swedish girl who used her teeth too much (I can assure you, Swedish guys don’t have such problems in bed), so he tried to teach her how to do it right.  That just begs the question, how does he know the proper technique for sucking cock?  Just Alex once had sex on a swingset in his apartment complex.  He also once dated a Brazilian girl who wouldn’t go down on him because it was against the morals of her village.  One night, though, she started to head in that direction, told him to roll over, and tossed his salad.  Interesting morals, that village has.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Salad Shooter
  • And then, she licked my ass
  • Parting the River Stinks
  • Tossed in Translation
  • Don’t Tell Mom, the Babysitter Gives Head
  • Adventures in Baby-shitting
  • Tongue in Cheek

and

  • Late in the Pink, Tongue in the Stink

It was a tough call, but in the end, we named Just Alex Late in the Pink, Tongue in the Stink.  Shocking, no?

 

We finished the beer, headed to the Times, drank a lot of Guiness (or cheap cans of Miller Lite, but why?), and tried to get laid.

 

Luck o’the Irish to you,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe