EWH3 #584 – Woodley Park/Zoo/Adams Morgan

HaresAssflac, Wank Like an Egyptian, I’m Lick James, Bitch!, Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’

Brew Crew:  Fucks Up, Doc?, Buttfuck Norris

Virgins:  Just Zach, Mike, Marishka, Lisa, Sean, Beth, Alex, Joshua, Jamie, Nate, Paul, Allison, Margaret, and too many more to keep track of

Visitor:  Hand Job (Guam H3), The Saint (Brooklyn H3)

Analversaries:  69 runs–Pittsburgh Kneeler; 300 runs–Put It Out

Ononon:  Millie & Al’s

 

The pack circled up at the entrance to Rock Creek Park, and off we went.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was expecting a long, rough slog.  Just look at who the hares are–all FRB’s, so of course they’re gonna take us on a death march.  It wasn’t as tough as I had feared, though there was a really steep downhill bit of shiggy where you basically had to hold onto a fence to climb down.  It was like horizontal rappelling, which I’ll have to try in some other context.  Trail may not have been a complete death march, but, rather, the hares set out to confuse us into exhaustion.  We got back to the start, but there was no beer van in sight.  We did see true trail arrows telling us to repeat going in the same direction, and checks marked as the second one at the same corner as the first.  Obviously the hares didn’t get the memo that the hash is not nearly smart enough to follow those directions and would likely end up repeating the first half of trail all over again.  Fortunately, most of the pack was able to read, and managed to reach the beer check at the Spanish steps in Dupont Circle.   

 

This trail was about 5.5 miles long.  At least 5 of those miles were in the first half:  the second “half” was a straight shot into the on-in, at least to anyone who’s ever hashed in Adams Morgan.  The actual trail?  Who knows, it probably went in a lot of circles first.

 

Violations:

  • Shetland Blow Me has a new hairstyle that can only be describes as a “mullethawk,” or perhaps a “mohullet.”  Both the punks and the rednecks from the 80s called, and they want their hair back.
  • Assflac tried to pass up the herpes he got from fisting PIO as poison ivy.  Nice try, kid.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails brought the biggest, butchest, most bearish virgin he could possibly find.  Just like every other Thursday.
  • Whisky Business missed trail because he was at his school’s talent show, teaching his students how to “express themselves.”  Those kids are all gonna turn out gayer than Christmas.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me said she didn’t want to get wet.  Unlike every other Thursday.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack also can’t find a way to take his race chip off his shoe.
  • Assflac brought the pack on one of his triathlon training runs without giving us bikes or floaties.
  • Tangled Up in Poo is giving up.  Whooooooores Closing! is settling.  Congrats, kids!
  • Slamda Slamda Slamda said she’d like to come once this spring. I’m sure there are lots of wankers who could help you with that.
  • The hares were dressed like Playboy Bunny rejects… and PIO always makes fun of the GW kids for wearing jorts. 
  • Cum Dumpling claims that not only is he prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker (true story), he’s also better than her at faking an orgasm.
  • Eats Street Meat and Chicken Phucker didn’t get enough on trail, so they ran off to have sex immediately after.
  • Poop Weiner’s back in town!  That’s ALWAYS acceptable hash behavior.
  • Rear Protein Injection is the worst PhD ever:  he admitted that he doesn’t know everything.
  • Wank Like An Egyptian called dibs on violating himself, even though it’s always better when someone else does it for you.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Chicken Fukr said his cargo pants were PI repellent, despite the fact that we all know PIO’s attracted to anything that reminds him of ‘Nam.
  • Blows a Tranny failed to live up to his name:  he saw an actual tranny on trail and didn’t blow her (him?). 
  • RU-469 pretended not to be a hare, that’s how shitty the trail was.
  • Just Liz complained about putting her hand in mud.  She would’ve complained more if she’d known it wasn’t mud.
  • Tits for Tots and RU-469 both went to Asia recently and came back looking strangely satiated.  How do you say “MSG” in Swedish, anyway?
  • Hungry Hungry Homo got some road head but didn’t come.  
  • That’s because Cocky didn’t follow through.
  • Assflac showed up at the hash looking like he got raped by the Under Armour Fairy.
  • Whisky Business needs Child Protective Services to take him away from PIO.
  • Hungry Hungry Homo, Jason Mraz called, he wants his hat back.
  • Wax On, Whacks Off was so lazy, he got virgins to carry his dog for him.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining about circle, saying, “Back when I was songmeister…”  Everyone get off his lawn!
  • Whisky Business said there was too much beer in the down-down cups.  Lightweight.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! enthusiastically dug into the ice after Assflac sat on it, because he didn’t get enough STDs on trail.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock has a problem with Pittsburgh Kneeler wearing lace underwear to the hash.  You’re doing it wrong. 

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Robin is from South Carolina and went to Savannah College of Art and Design.  She is now an oil painter and art teacher to 1st and 3rd graders.  When asked what her favorite sexual position is, she replied, “Depends,” AND her porn collection has a lot of golden showers involved.  Make of that what you will, folks.  Just Robin likes to watch porn with guys and then pee all over them, or maybe vice versa.  The meanest thing she’s ever done was to beat a guy up with a shoe when she was 12.  She lost her virginity when she was 16.  Just Robin used to play rugby for a team called The Shamrocks, and she’s now a rugby official.  She once passed out while having sex, and the guy finished all over her face.  She spits, shaves into a landing strip, and likes the cock.  Finally, Just Robin’s favorite Disney movie is The Jungle Book.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Urine Luck
  • Georgia O’Queefe
  • Out in Place On my Face
  • The Mask
  • Pay Less
  • Finger Taint
  • DSW:  Double Squirting Whiz

and

  • Baloo Me In The Face

Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Robin will be known as Baloo Me In The Face.

 

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  We finished the beer, headed to Millie & Al’s, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid, even though those last two things are often mutually exclusive.

 

Don’t Stop Believin’,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #583 – Get Lucky on St Patrick’s Day, Mt Vernon Square/Convention Center

HaresMy Little Pony, And I’ll Push Back, Leggs Over Easy, Sphincter Shy

Brew Crew:  Chicken Phucker, Homeland Insecurity

Virgins:  Just Heather, Drew, Chris, Sarah, John, Alexis, Dani, and a whole hell of a lot more

Visitor:  Just Mark (Honolulu H3), Just Leah (Kona Crab H3)

Analversaries:  17 runs–And I’ll Push Back, Forever Virgin, Trim Shady, If I Were a Stiff Man, Oops, I Blew Him AGain; 169 runs–CumSquat

Ononon:  Kelly’s Irish Times

 

Top o’the mornin’ to ye!  Erin go Bragh!  After drinking our asses off on St Patrick’s Day, the pack donned their finest green running clothes and met up outside the convention center, to do it all again, with a run thrown in too.  Much like most everyone’s day after St Patrick’s Day, I don’t remember all that much, because I was suffering from an epic case of jet lag, but here goes:  Trail was shaped like a shamrock and featured the best urban shiggy DC has to offer.  Before too long, we reached the first shot check and had shots of straight Jameson.  Tastes like burning!  We went around another leaf of the clover, passing an ice cream truck along the way.  Some folks lingered at the ice cream truck a bit longer than necessary, but for once, I wasn’t one of them.  After that, the pack reached the beer check on top of a parking deck.   

 

After having the hair of the dog, we took off again.  The second shot check was green jello shots, which, curiously, made me want to sing karaoke.  A few shots later, we got to the on-in, in the same parking deck where we had beer check.  We could’ve just stayed at beer check and kept drinking, but I guess the jello shots made the extra distance all worth it.

 

Violations:

  • 3-2-1 Fuck Off gave up on his vow of chastity and came back to EWH3.
  • Put It Out tried to relive his youth by playing beer pong at a party the weekend before.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler was wearing a t-shirt that said, “This is what a Feminist Looks Like,” despite the fact that she wouldn’t know a feminist if one sat on her face.
  • Whisky Business complained that his last bike ride tore out his asshole.  How the hell does he ride a bike?  Without a seat? 
  • Daffy Fuck brought a permission slip to come to the hash, signed by his wife.  Someone’s pussy-whipped!
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock went through puberty while conducting circle. 
  • Mile High Snub said she was hoping for Asian Mix tonight.  Now, I’ve had Asian Mix recently, and you really don’t want to go there.
  • Oops, I Blew Him Again tried to recruit guys to join her kickball team by promising blow jobs, but not from herself. 
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places was a little too excited about that ice cream truck.
  • Just Mike refused to take a jello shot on the grounds that it’s not vegetarian, even though a few nights beforehand, he had eaten chicken, which didn’t even contain any alcohol. 
  • The hares promised the walkers shots and didn’t deliver… teases.
  • Just Brian asked before the hash, “Was I supposed to shave my balls for this?”  Yes.  Yes, you were.  When in doubt, always manscape. 

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots complained about how Asian Mix made her sick.  Now, Swedish meatballs, on the other hand…. 
  • The hares laid a trail devoid of shiggy. 
  • A bunch of little girls saw I’m Lick James, Bitch! running by and started yelling, “Mayor Fenty! Mayor Fenty!” proving that even black people think they all look alike.
  • Whisky Business’s dad is disappointed that he turned out to be so gay, to which he responded, “I wasn’t always this way; that didn’t happen until college.”
  • Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow couldn’t find a urinal, so he peed on his tie.
  • I Manual Cunt is a media slut; he was one of a panel of “beer experts” in the Washington Post.
  • It’s Tony Panda’s birthday!  Happy birthday, fuck you.
  • Put It Out said, “OMG,” and “LOL” on trail:  Just because you text like a 12-year-old doesn’t mean you have to talk like one.
  • I Manual Cunt, the ’80s called and they want their Members’ Only jacket back.
  • Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner got a new job on the Hill, where his duties will no doubt involve hanging out under desks and doing things with cigars.
  • Tits for Tots tried to learn how to say “cougar” in Mandarin while she was on vacation, but learned to say it in Swedish instead. 

Then the cops came, and we were just about to pack up, but by the luck of the Irish, they went away, so we had time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Alex went to Johns Hopkins and does genetics research.  Yup, another one.  He loves the cock.  No, really:  his favorite farm animal is the rooster.  The meanest thing he’s ever done was to throw a cell phone at another guy’s balls.  He lost his virginity at the ripe old age of 22, to a 35-year-old cougar who was his best friend’s babysitter when they were kids.  Just Alex prefers missionary position, so he’s boring in bed.  He once got a blow job from a Swedish girl who used her teeth too much (I can assure you, Swedish guys don’t have such problems in bed), so he tried to teach her how to do it right.  That just begs the question, how does he know the proper technique for sucking cock?  Just Alex once had sex on a swingset in his apartment complex.  He also once dated a Brazilian girl who wouldn’t go down on him because it was against the morals of her village.  One night, though, she started to head in that direction, told him to roll over, and tossed his salad.  Interesting morals, that village has.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Salad Shooter
  • And then, she licked my ass
  • Parting the River Stinks
  • Tossed in Translation
  • Don’t Tell Mom, the Babysitter Gives Head
  • Adventures in Baby-shitting
  • Tongue in Cheek

and

  • Late in the Pink, Tongue in the Stink

It was a tough call, but in the end, we named Just Alex Late in the Pink, Tongue in the Stink.  Shocking, no?

 

We finished the beer, headed to the Times, drank a lot of Guiness (or cheap cans of Miller Lite, but why?), and tried to get laid.

 

Luck o’the Irish to you,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #582 – The Original Jackass Birthday Trail: An ode to Johnny Knoxville (and jorts)

 

Hares: Put It Out, WaxOnWhacksOff, Whiskey Business, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Snatch to the Future

Where: Virginia Sq. / GMU

When: March 11, 2010

Brew Crew: Brokeback Mama and Cum Dumpling

Virgins: Just Amber, Just Mary, another Just Mary, Just Kate, Just Aaron, Just Lisa, Just Doug, Just Matt, Just Demi, Just Joe, Just Shelly

Visitor: Cherry Peddler (Japan)

 

              Being one of the first warm weather hashes of the year, a significant number of mostly sex-depraved hashers descended upon the VA Sq. metro, looking for a run, and hopefully a piece of ass later on in the evening. Most got the first part. The second? Not so much. The walkers got neither. Weird.

 

              With the EWH3 hareline truly receding (read: sign up to hare a trail, you lazy bastards!), two veteran hashers stepped in to save the day (PIO and WoWo) and they pulled in the only (piece of) asses they could get their hands on: the newly re-named Whiskey Business (the douchebag formerly known as Cum and Knock on My Back Door) and PeeWee’s Little Adventure. And just because they could, they decided to lay their trail wearing Jorts. The only thing more pathetic than that was the TRUE fact (hand to God) that Whiskey Business, in order to join the kewl kids wearing frayed and totally not gay jean shorts, bought his roommate Subway if he promised to bring WB his jorts to run in. Really, you’ll pay someone else $5 to run around North Arlington wearing jorts? How much would you pay someone to kick you in the balls? Abuse is abuse, that’s all I’m saying’…

 

              Trail was interesting, where we looped around the metro a couple times. We also passed some interesting sites. One of the restaurants we passed on trail was aptly named “PIO.” And did anyone notice that every time we crossed Wilson Blvd., it was next to a Mexican joint? This was also appropriate, cause after passing the last one, the trail quickly turned into shit.

 

              We circled up on the Ballston parking deck, and then the fun began. First and foremost, I would like to apologize for the absolute scathing violations that I meted out to some people. But it’s not my fault you all suck at life. Onto your violations:

 

·       The Hares: With PIO and WoWo haring with Whiskey Business and PeeWee’s Little Adventure, the hash had a distinct “Fathers Take Their Sons to the Hash” feel to it.

·       Big Dig was complaining that her pre-hash meal wasn’t enough to hold her over. Apparently St. Pauli’s Girl didn’t give her enough throat yogurt before the start.

·       Roll over, Bitch! refused to cross the street with oncoming traffic, stating that, “I want to live.” Dude, you live alone with 2 cats, have no girlfriend, and play video games all day. What exactly do you have to live for?!

·       Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me stated earlier in the day that she wanted to dip little babies in maple syrup and eat them. Um, that’s just fucked up. Even for us.

·       Sphincter Shy was overheard saying “it’s all over my chest and I can’t get it off.” He was apparently speaking about his ex-girlfriend.

·       Just Sarah had on a nice set of pearl earrings. For a couple beers at the bar and a shot of 4 Loko, I can give you the necklace to match.

·       PIO’s jorts were the best (if you can actually RANK jorts) with the perfect length, frays and holes in the leggings… AC Slater called. He wants his look back.

·       Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock is currently engaged in a “pussy finding” contest with his poofter dog, Jizzmo. Apparently, things are going so badly for TTLC that he had Jizzmo neutered. UPDATE: Jizzmo humped 3 legs Thursday. TTLC humped his right hand.

·       Gaystation was wearing a 70s wife beater, 70s cargo shorts while sporting a 70s haircut and chin-strip facial hair. He looked like an episode of Welcome Back, Kotter on acid.

·       At the beer check, which was 3 houses away from St. Pauli’s Girl’s house, Big Dig thought that it would be a good idea to go to his place, have a couple of SPG’s homemade beer and then drive to end circle. Who the hell do you think you are, Please Step Away from the Whores?

·       It wasn’t even that hot out, but Sphincter Shy decided that he was going to run shirtless. With his gruff facial features and hairy chest, he looked just like Tom Selleck in Magmum PI, but without all that “cool, sexy, studly, every-girl-wants-to-bang-me” baggage.

·       PIO conveniently ran trail past his own “PIO” restaurant, but neglected to run us by the “PIO Walk of Shame.”

·       Pining over some girl, Whiskey Business told me that he was looking forward to a plate of all you can eat wings at the OnOnOn… unless said girl showed up, in which case she can have a plate full of his heart. Dude, we almost re-named something with a direct reference to syphilis. I think she’d be better off with a plate full of amoxicillin.

·       I’ll Push Backa was seen in ending circle with a nifty little Ziploc bag of trail mix that he brought from home. That’s cute… did your mother pack your lunchbox that day, too?

·       Vienna Sausage, immediately after leaving beer check, ran headfirst into one of those wooden gates that block exits to parking garages. Germans are stupid.

·       Gaystation had a nice little dew rag hanging out of his back pocket on trail. He’s also been hanging around Dupont a lot lately. We know that the rag means… it hurts you to sit down lately, doesn’t it?

 

We then turned things around, completely mixed up your typical EWH3 circle, and ended with… well. We all know the drill.

 

Here’s what was discovered about Just Barney:

He was brought to the hash by Obeastiologist, and it was noted that this was the first time OB got anything or anyone at the hash to cum. He went to the University of Rochester for undergrad, and went to grad school at the University of Delaware. He presently works at the NIH as a psychologist. His favorite farm animal is the milk cow, because he claims that they have big teets. His favorite position is reverse cowgirl. He lost his virginity on the playground of the elementary school that he went to as a child (last week seems SO long ago). His most embarrassing sexual moment was when he was given a hand job (presumably by some dude) wearing a handful of rings. It was so painful that it destroyed most of his foreskin. Seriously dude? It’s ok to say, “No, stop, MY DICK IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY!! Just Barney is married, and (how cute) they have identical tattoos. Except that they didn’t get them together. She had hers before they met, and Mr. Originality over here decided to show his dedication to her and her past by getting the same one. Ah, a permanent reminder of something you don’t understand because you weren’t there… He was truly embarrassed when he was at the airport going through security when his luggage started buzzing. The bags were flagged by security, but fear not, no bomb… it was just his wife’s vibrator. And finally, the meanest thing he ever did to someone was when he threw a meat cleaver at his younger brother.

 

Suggested names:

BDSM-4

K through a Fifth

And How Don’t I Make You Feel?

Sword of the Rings

Beaver Cleaver

 

Since none of those names made any goddamn sense, we went with the obvious: Homeland Insecurity. Welcome to the club, d-bag!!

 

We all then went to the OnOnOn, First Down. It was cool, cheap beers, kick-ass buffalo wings (or so I’m told, a certain someone forgot to order mine!!), and good times. I don’t know what the rest of you all did, but I went home and got laid.

 

OnOn,

 

Assflac, stunt-scribe and asshole-extraordinaire

 

 

 

EWH3 #581 – Rosslyn

HaresUnderground Railroad, Monday Sticky Monday, Duck Job, Me Likee-Lickee-Caca

Brew Crew:  Red Vag of Courage, The Udder Ho

Virgin:  Just John

Visitor:  Peg Leg (Second City H3), Cock Master (Jacksonville H3)

Analversaries:  17 runs–Axel Blows; 69 runs–Sphincter Shy, Gaystation; 100 runs–Duck Job; 169 runs–Obeastiologist, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me

Ononon:  The Continental

The pack circled up on the parking deck above The Continental, and off we went.  Down the stairs, up onto that fugly concrete walkway over a park and into the first of many, many checks.  We ran through swanky apartment complexes, not-so-swanky apartment complexes, ghetto apartment complexes, and up and down lots of stairs.  There were tons of checks, which I like–the pack that runs together doesn’t get lost, injured, or killed alone.  On a particularly snowy, muddy stretch, we hit the first shot check.  I don’t know what it was–which is often the case at the hash–but it got me warm.  The pack then headed into Clarendon and Courthouse, before heading back to Rosslyn for beer check, in an alley behind a rather sketchy hotel.  Stay classy, EWH3!

The second half of trail was a lot shorter than the first, but it did have the highest, steepest, slipperiest hill on trail.  Fortunately, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, oops, I mean a shot check at the top of the hill.  I don’t know what it was, but it was fruity, much like all the rest of EWH3.  It was even more slippery going down.  I do love me some sledding, but i do like it better when I have a sled.  Or a stolen McDonald’s tray.  Not long after we got down the hill, we crossed over the freeway and ended up back where we started from, on top of The Continental.

Violations:

  • Six Fags got two new tattoos on his calves–each one is a foot with the word “ON” on it.  We really should’ve saved the “get a life” song for him.
  • Gaystation is going to Tijuana, so he got a mule charm to entice the donkeys.
  • 6 Pigs in a Blanket said, very loudly on the Metro, “In my mind, I’m very raceist.”  Oops.  All the non-hasher passengers who gave her dirty looks must not have heard that silent “e.”
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock reached new heights of gayness by buying Jizzmo a Snuggie.  Sadly, none of this is a euphemism.
  • Edgar Allan Ho refused a drink before the hash because she’d just had a protein shake.  She then pointed out that the easiest way to get in is through the rear.
  • St. Pauli Girl told Cum and Knock on my Back Door how to duct tape his junk.  I hope those boys have set up a safety word. 
  • Cum Dumpling and Eat Your Vegetables were engaging in nerdiness on trail:  They were discussing physics.  Why can’t they just go have sex on trail like everyone else does?
  • When I was asking for violations, Just Tobias didn’t have any, but he did proudly proclaim, “I have sweet and salty nut!”
  • Obeastiologist complained about his wedding ring interfering with his swimming, but we all know his swimmers work really well.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Monday, Sticky Monday was driving around picking up homeless people and taking them to shelters as an act of charity in the cold weather, except the guy he picked up wasn’t a homeless man–it was Brokeback Mama
  • Just Melody gave Six Fags his “ON-ON” tattoos.
  • Assflac complained about the trail, despite the fact that he was autohashing.
  • Sphincter Shy always comes up with violations, but they’re never funny.
  • Neither are Mannipple Lickter’s.
  • Edgar Allan Ho and Big Dig were hopping around like penguins at beer check.

It was too cold and windy for a naming, so we finished the beer, headed to the Continental, and tried to get Jumbo Slice, because due to the lack of good specials, we were all too sober to have any realistic shot at getting laid.

Love and Kisses,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #579 – Blame Canada, Eastern Market

HaresRed Vag of Courage, Gaystation, Sphincter Shy, Six Fags

Brew Crew:  Snap Crackle Poop, Please Step Away from the Whores

Virgin:  Just Jordan

Visitor:  Korean Booty Snatcher (Transplant, Seoul H3)

Ononon:  Tunnicliff’s

In case you’ve been living under a rock, DC got hit by a Snowpocalypse.  Snowmageddon, SnOMGasm, Snobama, whatever.  Even mail delivery was suspended.  But come rain, snow, sleet, hail, floods, or anything else, the hash still goes on.  Suck it, post office.  In honor of the snow, I wrote a little hash song.  Sing it to the tune of “Jingle Bells.”

Hashing through the snow,

while the government’s closed all day,

over the hills you go,

humping all the way.

Drink it down,

drink it down,

drink it down down down…

And now back to the actual trail.  Plan B was buried in snow, so we improvised:  the pack left their bags in the home of a couple of the hares, our Oreho stocked his truck with snacks and cases of beer, and off we went.  You might think that due to the weather, trail would be a short, easy little jaunt followed by a long night at the bar, but the hares had a different idea.  We ran across the Capitol, to the Mall, and across the Mall, burrowing our way through 3 miles of chest-deep snowdrifts.  OK, waist-deep on most people, but still.  We would’ve iced the hares, but they pretty much iced themselves while laying the damn trail.  Finally, the pack came back towards Eastern Market and hit the beer check, in an alley not far from the start.

The second half of trail was mercifully short loop.  The pack circled a few blocks and after maybe a half mile, ended up in the alley behind the building where we started and circled up.  Virgin down-downs went the way they usually do, but when our new transplant, Korean Booty Snatcher, got called in as a visitor, he didn’t know any songs or jokes and was too modest to show any body parts, so Cyrano de Private Snowball hid behind Korean Booty Snatcher and sang a song for him.

Violations:

  • Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me whined earlier about getting a lot of little pricks all over her face, even though that’s how she wakes up every morning.
  • Just Ryan had the worst shotgun FAIL I’ve ever seen.  Weak sauce.
  • Korean Booty Snatcher ditched his car to join the hash when he saw the pack running, which is a commendation, not a violation.
  • Mannipple Lickter, during the worst snowfall DC has ever seen, managed to get a sunburn.
  • Gaystation packed snow around his junk in manner of an igloo. He later put his hands down his pants.  Kid must really love shrinkage.  
  • Poke an Eye Out said she’s lonely but turned down Rear Protein Injection’s offer of fresh vegetables.  She did, however, keep asking Cocky, “Do you want me?”
  • Cocky said that MTV made an announcement that it will no longer be playing music videos at all, which means that Cocky still watches MTV.
  • Saskatchewsnatch got confused and thought this was not the “Blame Canada” hash but the “BE Canada” hash.
  • Wax on, Whacks Off abandoned the pack at Remington’s.  He was later heard saying, “If I could find a snake, I’d eat it.”
  • Obeastiologist confused Tits for Tots with Spit ‘N’ Spin.  The pregnancy must be getting to his brain and making him confused.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock said he wanted to find out what it’s like to be fucked in the ass, as if he didn’t know already.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots took a cab to the start and was still late.
  • Someone thought he saw Michael J Fox at the hash, but it turns out it was just Six Fags.
  • Cocky was disappointed that the blizzard didn’t kill more people.
  • Sphincter Shy swept trail with his ass.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock didn’t take advantage when a harriette presented right in front of him.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Ryan is from Albany, NY, and went to GW, where his nickname was “Sleazy-E,” because he’d hump any dog that moved.  He now works in government relations at GW.  Just Ryan’s favorite sexual position is doggy style, and his favorite Disney movie is “The Lion King.”  The first time he had sex, he spent three months convinced that he’d gotten the girl pregnant.  He’s since gotten over that trauma, hence the nickname.  Just Ryan once came on a girl’s face in an alley before she even started to give him a blow job.  On another occasion, a girl peed in his bed and he didn’t realize it for two months.  He once hooked up with a girl named Shannon, and is now dating her roommate, who is also named Shannon.  He has size 13 feet and both Shannons were disappointed to learn that the urban legend about that isn’t true.  Just Ryan had his dick hanging out while riding the Metro and didn’t notice.  He has worked for both Clintons and knows Marion Berry.  Bitch set him up!  Just Ryan also said he’s had AIDS twice, but got over it the first time.

Naming suggestions were:

  • Money Well Spent
  • Pink Line to Nowhere
  • I Can See Your Zazu
  • Bucocky
  • Marion Dingleberry
  • Not So SmarTrip
  • Bitch Got Me Off
  • Magic Johnson

and

  • Tragic Johnson

Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Ryan will be known as Magic Johnson.

Some hardy souls drank the rest of the hash beer, while anyone with any sense made their way to the bar, where it was warm, and tried to get laid.  After all, it’s cold out there!

I can’t take snow more,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #577 – Union Station

HaresCock-a-Doodle-do-Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Fire in the Hole, Snatch to the Future

Brew Crew:  Incredible Edible Schmegg, Just Barney

Virgin:  Just Andrew, Emily and Rob

Visitors:  There was one but my fingers were too numb to write his name legibly.

Analversaries:  17 hashes–Six Fags, Cutting Class, Cock in Fresh Dough, Pinnochi-ho, Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner, I’m Lick James, Bitch!

Ononon:  Trusty’s

The pack met up in front of Union Station, confusing the tourists.  No one came out in circle as a hare representative, but luckily, Rear Protein Injection knew which way to send the pack.  Somehow it didn’t occur to the FRBS that the first check would take the pack through the parking structure attached to the station, even though we have a check going into that parking garage almost every trail we run that starts at Union Station.  Either way, we eventually wended our way through parked cars and buses, only to cross H Street at one of its busiest points and dodge moving cars and buses.  We all made it out safely, but it was not all downhill from there–it’s hard to follow a trail that’s laid in invisible flour!  Nonetheless, we managed to make it to beer check, in a parking lot somewhere.

On the second half of trail, we could actually see the flour, which was a huge improvement over the first half because it meant we could keep moving through the ball-shrinking, nipple-sharpening cold.  I think there was a playground in there somewhere, but beer and cold make my memory fuzzy.  Apparently, there was a water main break that made the hares have to re-route trail, but we all somehow got to the on-in, in a grassy area near Eastern Market, where we circled up.

Violations:

  • Just Melanie gave us this round of “What was she talking about?” when she said, “I’ll do both at once.”
  • Slumcock Anywhere almost didn’t come because it “was blowing too hard.”  Doesn’t that usually work the opposite way?
  • Just Barney said his balls were acting like tonsils, but he didn’t say whose tonsils.
  • Duck Job, as one of the original founders of EWH3, should know better than to wear a raceist shirt to the hash.
  • Buttfuck Norris proved he deserves his hash name by meeting and giving his phone number to a stripper–a male stripper.
  • Eat Your Vegetables complained that Spike TV’s Manswers insulted his intelligence and was in poor taste.  Given that he was watching Spike TV’s Manswers for advice on life, can he really talk about matters of intelligence and taste?
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! sank a 3-point shot into the garbage can at the on-in.  Wrong sport!!
  • Snatch to the Future was so ashamed of the trail that she denied being involved with it during opening circle.
  • The hares whined about the water main break that forced them to re-route trail.  I guess they didn’t want to get anyone wet.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Cocky sent all the flour to Haiti.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! and Buttfuck Norris were holding hands on trail, which not only is much cheesier than having sex on trail but also completes the “men being affectionate with I’m Lick James, Bitch!” trifecta that we’ve had going the last three times I’ve scribed.
  • St. Pauli Girl grew a beard because he wants to be just like Chicken Fucker.
  • Just Andrew and Just Rob had one complete outfit between them.
  • RPI harmonized during “Whip it out at the Ballgame,” because he wants to be just like Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock.
  • Can’t Find Pussy on a Haystack gave Roll Over, Bitch! his Caps tickets for Friday night on the condition that he not take A Salt My Ass on a date to the game.
  • R.O,B! gave Haystack reason to worry that he might take A Salt My Ass on a date.

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  Especially because we skipped naming someone because it was too damn cold to pour beer over anyone, unless we want to get our asses sued when they die of hypothermia or lose extremities due to frostbite.  The pack went to the Trusty’s, drank more beer, played Jenga, and tried to get laid.

I

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #575 – A Winter’s Tail Trail, Mt Vernon Square-Convention Center

HaresJedi Boob TriXXX, Clean Clam, Pinnochiho, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, Saskatchewsnatch

Brew Crew:  Incredible Edible Schmegg, Just Barney

Virgin:  Just:  Andrew, Jenny, Kara, Danielle

Visitors:  Hot Banana (Atlanta H3)

Analversaries:  69–Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Red Vag of Courage

Ononon:  Kelly’s Irish Times

 

Trail started off on a confusing note:  Despite putting out a trail news writeup cribbed from the works of William Shakespeare, the hares were dressed not like Shakespearean characters, but like bunnies.  As amusing as it may be to see “King Lear” done entirely in rodent, the one guy who dressed in costume was not amused.  In keeping with the bunny costumes, the hares seemed to confuse the hash with an Easter egg hunt–that’s about how hard the flour was to find during the first half of trail.  The pack circled through Chinatown from a few different directions, losing and finding trail again, until we got to a shot check that tasted like Goldschlager.  Or cinammon schnapps.  Or mouthwash.  After that, trail was short and sweet until we saw a “BN” marked on the ground, and then ran another 3/4 miles to get to the actual beer.  

With beer jackets on, the pack took off for the second half of trail.  It was pretty short, and involved going through a bunch of parking lots before getting to the on-in, on a parking deck.  We were all supposed to go over a fence that was only about thigh-high on the near side but then was about a 10-foot jump down to get to the beer at the finish, and most wankers did jump it, but a few of us wimpy, I mean, smart, hashers, found a way to run around the fence to get in.

 

Violations:

  • Fucks Up, Doc? can’t resist the creamy white stuff.  Take a number, boys.

 

  • Casanada brought his lack of game back to his homeland.  Not that homeland, the other homeland.
  • Eat Your Vegetables complained about how his ass was sore after his ski trip.  He should’ve brought lube.
  • Just Puck, I mean Six Fags, was the only person to fall for the theme.  It’d have been better if he’d put an ass’s head on top of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock and then enchanted Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me to fall in love with him or something.
  • Just Brennan, Stud Finder, and Just Jess were dressed as raceist triplets.  I’m pretty sure there’s a porn about that, but save it for after trail, ok? 
  • Little Red Ride Me Good promised to keep her mouth shut, because she’s good at it.  We all know that’s a lie.
  • Cum Dumpling is growing his hair out to donate to Locks of Love: The Merkin Collection.
  • S & M.O.M. was worried that people would forget his nerd name once he got a hash name, so he wore it on his shirt.
  • Twinkle paid $70 for a haircut and spa treatment, including oatmeal bath, for Jizzmo, which is more than he spends on his girlfriend.
  • Leggs Over Easy can’t stop tonguing the hole.  Oh, wait, that’s acceptable hash behavior.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails tried to warm his hands by sticking them down I’m Lick James, Bitch’s pants.  Given that I’m Lick James, Bitch! has been getting a lot of male attention at the hash these last couple weeks, I’m not sure which one of them to violate.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Cocky chooses her bitches for reasons having nothing to do with their skill level.
  • Chicken Phucker looked more like a penis than Rear Protein Injection for once.
  • RPI once got pity sex because he looks like a chemotherapy patient.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! never gets even pity sex.
  • Cocky thought the last guy she was with couldn’t get it up because he was undergoing chemo.
  • R.O,B! was practicing a double flip olly without a skateboard.
  • Brokeback Mama knows what a double flip olly is.
  • Buttfuck Norris kept blaming his explosive farts on his dog.
  • Cum of a Preacher’s Hand got engaged.  Why buy the cow when the sex is free?
  • Presidential Nasty complains about not having a girlfriend but then puts up Gchat status messages like, “Researching and writing about anal pus.”  And you wonder whey he’s single?
  • R.O,B!–last time someone got laid in cargo pants, it was in ‘Nam.
  • Twinkle taught Jizzmo to roll over and spread his legs.  And yet he claims he’s not trying to make his dog be a dude magnet.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING! 

Just Nikki, as we learned last time she was up for naming, is from Remington, Washington.  She went to George Mason to major in biology.  She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm.  She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias.  That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere.  She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip on a boat, with the boat engineer, got drunk, and told her professor about it.  Wild!  Just Nikki works at a sperm bank.  The first time she hashed, she threw up in her purse and then called an ex-boyfriend to give her a ride home.  Just Nikki dropped this prince of a guy to date I Manual Cunt.  Yeah, really.  The first time they had sex, it was on the floor of a friend’s living room after a night out at a gay club, which simultaneously confirms and refutes a lot of people’s suspicions about I Manual Cunt.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Count Fuckula
  • Twatson and Prick
  • A 3-Hour Whore
  • *spitting noise* (I don’t know how to spell it)
  • Zygote in my Boat

and

  • Survival of the Spittest

 

We’re all nerds, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing, except Great Falls (fuck them!), Just Nikki shall be known as Survival of the Spittest.

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  The pack finished the beer in Plan B, went to the Times, drank Guinness, listened to the musical stylings of Pete Papageorge, who was playing there back when I was first in DC a long long time ago, and tried to get laid.

 

Give us your hands, if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #573 – New Year’s Eve Anti-Resolution Hash, Clarendon

Hares:  Chip ‘n’ Fails, Muff the Magic Dragon, St. Pauli Girl, Big Dig, Eat Your Vegetables

Brew Crew:  Snap Crackle Poop, Incredible Edible Schmegg

Virgin:  Just Tony

Visitors:  Wreath Around, Blue Balls Pedophile (Crystal Coast, NC, H3), Fair Game, Gutter Balls.
Ononon:  Hard Times

Happy New Year!  Everyone bust out your party hats…. and put something shiny on your head.  The pack met up right outside the Clarendon Metro, and tried to stay dry in the chilly rain.  Not wanting to get all kinds of sweaty that early in the evening, I opted to walk.  Walkers’ trail would have been short, except Veggies apparently didn’t know how to read a map.  As it was, we ended up following part of the runners’ trail and got to first a shot check, with shots of hot spiked cider (yummmm) the relocated beer check (the cops were sitting and waiting for us at the original planned beer check location, in the parking garage over 395) in a parking lot in Ballston after the runners had already left.  

 

After quickly downing a beer, we left for the long walk back to end circle at Chip ‘N’ Fails’ house, on the other side of the Clarendon Metro.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I autohashed; I had work to do before end circle started.  Note to self, when in doubt, RUN.

Violations:

  • Silver Spooge inadvertentyrevealed a deep secret about himself when he said something about “my dad and her sister.”  Spoogey has two mommies!!  

 

  • The hares, because they had to continue in the tradition of laying a horribly long trail around New Year’s.
  • Please Step Away from the Whores couldn’t get anyone to follow him even with the promise of beer.
  • Herpicles broke a parking garage barrier trying to hump it.
  • Cum Dumpling wanted everyone to check out his tender rectum.  Ehh, I think I’ll pass. 
  • Fair Game went running on Christmas Day.  Not hashing, just running.  That makes the Baby Jesus cry.  
  • Coin Operated said she needs a stick up the middle.  I’m sure there are lots of harriers who’d be willing to help with that.
  • Snatch to the Future complained about how wet she was, showing that her priorities are clearly out of whack.
  • Pinocchi-ho contracted an STD in his earlobe, which bled all over his face.
  • Tony Panda suggested that Pinocchi-ho go see “Twilight” and pick up some 10-year-olds by showing them his bloody ear wound.
  • Just David lost his virgin but not his virginity.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails didn’t take advantage of Just David’s lost virgin.
  • Bobbin’ for Butt Plugs said that he’s not nearly as picky as Chip ‘N’ Fails.  He then went on to say something about how it’s not gay if you’re on top, even if htey push back.  I don’t know, I’m still wrapping my mind around someone calling Chip ‘N’ Fails picky.  
  • Herpicles said that everyone looks the same in the dark, proving that he is even less picky than Bobbin’ For Butt Plugs.  Well, he did try to shag a parking garage barrier.
  • Private Snowball exhibited chivalry on trail.  That’s unacceptable hash behavior.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock called his hat a helmet, because he was getting nostalgic for his old days of riding the short bus.
  • Fuxedo somehow got Shamrock Your Cock’s tongue stuck to his face.
  • Just Tony missed his turn and tried to make an announcement during violations.  Virgins should be seen and not heard.
  • Tits for Tots is technologically challenged.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!  Actually, it being New Year’s Eve, I suppose that made it special.

Just David is a government contractor who works with Chip ‘N’ Fails  and dates Muff the Magic Dragon.  She says he’s very good at eating pussy.  Just David attended Nebraska State University; I think the mascot is the Cornholer.  His favorite Disney movie is Fantasia.  What’s he smoking, and can I have some?  When he was 17, he was getting a blow job in a parking garage around Christmas time, and a family with kids was parked in the adjacent car.  The parents got out of their car, knocked on Just David’s window, and asked them to stop. He once took a girlfriend on a ski trip, and even though she contracted high-altitude pulmonary edema, he left her to go skiing.  Just David also plays soccer, and his skills on the pitch are such that his teammates nicknamed him “Pixie.”

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Donald Suck
  • Fan-Taste-Ya
  • Girl, Interrupted
  • Feliz Nobby Job
  • Walt Jizz-me

and

  • Pixie Dicks

In the spirit of the holiday season, the pack decided to call Just David Feliz Nobby Job.  He even gets his own song now:

Feliz Nobby Job!

Feliz Nobby Job!

Feliz Nobby Job!

Feliz Nobby Job!

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my balls! 

 

After that, some of the the pack went to the bar, some went to New Year’s Eve parties, and all drank more, welcomed the new year, kissed a bunch of people at midnight, and tried to get laid.

Happy 2010,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #570: 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash – Thursday, December, 17, 2009

 

Start: Pentagon City!

 

Hares: CoXXX on Demand, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, PoPo Disco, Put It Out & Mystery Hare

 

Virginis: Just Sarah (who is NOT single), Just JP, and Just Erin

 

OnOnOn: Tortise & Hare (though most of us know that’s code-name for Freddie’s)

 

If you were a small child at Pentagon Row on Thursday evening, you were treated to far more Christmas thrills than mere ice-skating.  What’s that around the corner?  Could that be one of Santa’s elves?  My is he old!  And, look, a reindeer!  OMFG it’s Santa!  But then some other, naughtier types showed- scantily clad, saying things you only heard when you walked in on Mommy and Daddy “wrestling”- and then the booze came out, and then your parents were rushing you to the car…

Yes, it was the 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash, and my was it festive!  The pack gathered at the Pentagon Row to sign in, drink spiked hot chocolate, and rummage through a variety of Santa hats.  Because Put It Out was a hare, the trail of course ran in circles throughout the South Arlington area- up parking and down parking garages, through shops, past confused and amused people.  Because it was EWH3 and anything but a perfectly straight trail, we got lost multiple times.  What fun!

 

There was a hot cider shot check atop one parking garage, and a beer check in a lot by Costco.  There was also a scribe at both checks, so come on people, speak up!  From the check the trail looped down to the Crystal City Shops- a barren wasteland of consumer products- seriously, one of the saddest malls I’ve seen, and I was recently at Landmark.  We meandered through the underground (heh) and then dashed up 23rd, past the OnOnOn to a parking lot for the end circle.

 

Violations:

 

Put It Out was able to reconcile his Peter Pan fetish with the Christmas theme by way of his green tights.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock instructed a lady looking for a pink Santa hat to go see the horny guy- very helpful description- it’s EHW3 that’s like directing her to go find the white guy.

 

Big Bendover gave us this night’s round of “What Was He Talking About?” Overheard snippet of conversation “…it’s always better after a douche…”

 

Mayonnaise on the Pooper expressed how she is unemployed, having to plan someone else’s wedding, and looking to get drunk- HINT guys, this one’s desperate!

 

Cum Dumpling just had to go and give the runners a few minutes warning before sending them off from the beer check…

 

Just Andy enjoyed all the “ins & outs” of the trail- of course he was referring to the tunnels, because we all know he wasn’t getting any.

 

Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me, Mayonnaise on the Pooper, and Underground Railroad are so old (how old are they?!) that they were getting nostalgic about the GRE.

 

Pee Wee’s Little Adventure and Big Dig received that night’s inappropriate Christmas-themed pick-up line: Big Dig asked and Santa-suited Pee Wee if she could be Santa, to which he replied, “No, but Santa can be inside of you.”  Class, class, class.

 

Oops, I Blew Him Again has sworn off driving since every time she gets behind the wheel a naked penis winds up erect in her car.

 

Roll Over, Bitch! Was dying to change his pink Santa hat to a red one because it “matched his sweater better,” confirming his preoccupation with color coordination over getting laid (or possibly preparing for Freddie’s?)

 

ChippenFails was overheard saying “Oh man, assholes.  There’s nothing better than smelly assholes!” on trail- enough said.

 

Violations from the Crowd: happened, but this scribe’s hearing was impaired by alcohol.

 

And then there was a naming!  Or wait, an attempted naming!  Seriously, I am three for three with failed namings, from cops to throw backs.  So what happened this week?  Well, Just Nikki is from Remington, Washington.  She went to George Mason to major in biology.  She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm.  She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias.  That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere.  She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip, got drunk, and told her professor about it.  Wild!

 

Some suggestions:

 

P-P-P-Poker Face

Cherry Poppin’ Ten Miler

Remington Steel

Prefontaine Ejaculation

16 Love Handles

Fetus Bueller

Small Hands on Deck

Cream Me Up Scottie

Pursuing Her Cocktorate

Magnum Cum Loud

 

As you can see, we were really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, and so decided to throw Just Nikki back.  I appropriately told her to take this night to get very drunk, make some bad decisions, and have some better material for next time.  I wonder if she did…she sure didn’t take my hint and see me at the bar…

 

Of course the OnOnOn, both T&H and Freddie’s consisted of much karaoke, beer, appletinis, and ass-slapping.

 

-Cum & Knock On My Back Door

 

EWH3 #568 – The Birthday Hash, Union Station

Hares:  JAGQueen, Holy Tit!, Whistles while he Wanks, Watch Her Blow, Jiffy Lube, Nipple-less Cage, Transparent Ds, Monkey Piss, Peeking Duck

Brew Crew:  Cum Dumpling, Mannipple Lickter

Virgins:  Just Max, Andie, Robin, Quentin, Jill, Mary, and Jocelyn

Visitors:  They were all smart and stayed the hell away from this trail.
Analversaries:  17 runs–Wee Willy Wanker, Slamda Slamda Slamda, Meat the Press, Whose Dick Is It Anyway?; 69 runs–Snap Crackle Poop; 100 runs–Red Vag of Courage

Ononon:  My Brother’s Place

The hash was just like I like my men:  really, really long, and 10 years old.  Happy birthday, EWH3!  After circling up in front of Union Station, the pack took off, heading in the general direction of the mall.  We were all a little confused, because Holy Tit! was laying flour at the start as we ran along with him.  Eventually, we made it to the Mall, ran out to the Washington Monument and back, and after about four miles, ended up FINALLY having our beer check under a freeway (I don’t have a car, I don’t know which one–395 maybe).  Rumor has it that there was supposed to be a shot check on the first half of trail, but no one saw it.

The second half of trail was shorter than the first half, but, unfortunately not short enough.  At the beginning of it, I asked Dumb Blonde how long second half of trail would be, because his wife was haring.  His response was, “I don’t know; she’s at the bar.”  He obviously married a very smart woman.  About 6 miles later, we finally ended up in an alley behind the on-on-on.  The pack circled up, and before the regular violations, Rear Protein Injection came out for some violations of his own, since it was his last week scribing ever.  However, instead of actually violating anyone, he went off on a furious rant that had me wondering whether he was on steroids or possessed by Bloody Asshole.  Yup, kids, this is your new GM.

Violations:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock picked up a guy at a bar to “play skeeball” with.  So that’s what the kids are calling it these days!

 

  • JAG Queen started EWH3 in order to get laid.  How’d that work out for him?  Ten years later, he lives with a man and has a small dog with a pink leash.
  • Blows a Tranny is even harder up than his roommate, JAG Queen.  He’s so lonely, he entered into an open relationship with his car.
  • Floral Sex complained that “it squeaks when it gets too wet.”  Honey, there’s no such thing as too wet. 
  • Late Nite Drive Thru wore a GPS watch on the walkers’ trail. 
  • Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner carried something little with a prick on the end on trail…. and a small piece of chalk.
  • The hares couldn’t remember how to lay trail after 10 years.  They do say the memory is the first thing to go.  It should be noted that they were not around to drink for this violation; they’d gone to the bar to get the early bird special and then went to bed.
  • Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler.  Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”
  • Mellow Foreskin Cheese got chased and yelled at by the police for jaywalking.  What, the cops didn’t have anything better to do?
  • Just Max wore a neon yellow jacket, because the 149 other runners around him didn’t make him feel safe enough.
  • Speaking of not feeling safe enough, Slumcock Anywhere decided condoms were insufficient and wrapped himself up in crime scene tape.
  • Rear Protein Injection was overheard saying, “It’s too tight to fit it in,” which is the first time anyone’s ever heard him say that.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made Just Barnaby do tricks to impress guys.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack saw Slumcock Anywhere’s photos of models and said, “They’re not that hot.”  Um, beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Whoooooooores Closing had sore knees, not from trail, but from the night before.
  • Pee Wee’s Little Adventure watched the Victoria’s Secret lingerie show while lifting weights.  Shouldn’t he have been doing something else with his hands?

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots put on high heels after the hash, which upgraded her from “midget” to “little person.”
  • General’s Farm Animal tried to hail a cop car.  Just because it has lights on it, doesn’t mean it’s a cab.
  • Felon DeGeneres never chokes on it.  That’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior!
  • Hair Cuntery thinks he’s the Ginger Baron.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler didn’t need to wear her Ragnar Relay shirt to the hash; we already know that she tastes like bad decisions.
  • Cum and Knock on My Back Door and Big Bend Over’s gay marriage was legalized.  Congrats to the happy couple, and it’s about damn time!
  • I Manual Cunt  didn’t recognize the Tour de Chug jersey.  Newbie!
  • Wax On, Whacks Off got a chubby when JAG Queen dropped trou.
  • Bone, Bone on the Range got engaged.  Congratulations on deciding to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life!
  • RPI:  Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock  wanted to violate you, but he was afraid to make you angry again.
  • Gaystation actually picked up girls on trail who were older than 14.
  • RPI, angry bald guys stopped getting laid when Seinfeld went off the air.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock tried to use Just Barnaby to pick up girls, but instead only picked up I Manual Cunt.

Then it was time for a very special occasion, a DUAL NAMING!

Just Josh and Just Jeremy grew up and went to high school together in Michigan and then joined the Navy, which they’ve both since gotten out of.  Just Josh pitches, and Just Jeremy catches.  When they were 16, they and their girlfriends all had sex on the same bed.  Just Josh wanted to touch Just Jeremy’s then-girlfriend’s boobs, and Just Jeremy was OK with that, but the girlfriend wouldn’t let him.  Just Josh likes llamas and reverse cowgirl, whereas Just Jeremy prefers goats and doggy style.  Just Jeremy got walked in on by his then-girlfriend’s dad while they and another chick were having a threesome in a hot tub.  They kept going, of course.  In contrast, Just Josh got walked in on by his friends while beating off to some of the 80G of porn that he has on his hard drive.  Just Josh was also complaining loudly on trail about how he really wanted a blow job; he’s about to ship out to Afghanistan, and his girlfriend has been out of town for a long time.  Girlfriend, what girlfriend?  I’m sure lots of harriettes would’ve been happy to oblige.

Naming suggestions for Just Josh were:

  • Explosive Cum Disposal
  • Thomas the Wank Engine
  • Chick-Chick-Chick Boom
  • Sprinkler System

and

  • Dick-Dick-Dick Boom

Naming suggestions for Just Jeremy were:

  • Long Odds

and

  • Remote Detonation

Finally, someone remembered that this was a dual naming, and thus Just Josh and Just Jeremy became, respectively, I’ll Paca  and And I’ll Push Back.

Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, went to the bar and tried to get laid.   Except for the hares, who were all out of Viagra.

So long and thanks for all the fish,

Tits for Tots

Outgoing and Incumming EWH3 Scribe