EWH3 #539 – C*ck ‘n’ Roll, Metro Center

Hares:  Cock Your Suck I Will, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me, CoXXX on Demand, Slumcock Anywhere, The Cock Strikes 12, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Shamrock Your Cock

Brew Crew:  Runs with Bulls, Marco Homo

Virgins:  Just way too many to keep track of

Visitors:  Just Josh (Hindu Kush—transplant), Turbo Pussy (Boston—Transplant), Fucks Ewes (Portland)

Analversaries:  17 runs—Sextion 7 Housing, The Whores on the Bus Go Up and Down, 1 Girl, 2 Cups; 100 runs—My Little Pony, Do Me Howser

Ononon:  Penn Quarter Sports Bar

 

The hares were so excited for us all to party like c*ck stars that they brought party favors:  star-shaped sunglasses, fake tattoos, inflatable guitars, and confetti poppers.  In honor of the late Michael Jackson, all the sunglasses were too small for anyone who didn’t have a child-size head.  After circling up, the pack embarked on a trail so messy that it deserves its very own E! True Hollywood Story.  We went through about 42 back checks before having to either climb over or sneak through a gap in a very rusty fence and reaching the shot check and downed a fruity concoction that the hares insisted was called, “The Cock of Paradise.”  Maybe that’s what they’d like us to call it.  After having our shots—both alcoholic and tetanus, after that fence—we climbed another fence and ran through some urban shiggy to the beer check on top of a parking deck.

 

A couple beers later, the pack took off through the urban shiggy before reaching the scariest place in DC.  No, I’m not talking about Anacostia.  I’m talking about Georgetown Law Center campus.  Fortunately, most of the pack managed to escape unscathed, with all their money intact.  (To the guy soliciting for the annual fund, give me a chance to pay off my damn loans first!)  We then zigged and zagged through the Police Memorial and Chinatown, coming dangerously close to the On-On-On, before ending up at the same parking deck where we’d had beer check.

 

Violations:

  • Chippen Fails had a really good ride, but he just couldn’t stay up.
  • Ass Spelunker turned another year older
  • Put It Out he tried to emulate Michael Jackson and give himself a nose job, but he ran into a tree to do it and just ended up with a bloody face for his troubles.
  • Big Bend Over wore a raceist t-shirt AND bragged about being the 3rd person into beer check.
  • Do Me Howser went to the ice cream truck to hang out with the little kids gathered there, but wouldn’t let any of them lick his popsicle.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock got a new job doing math for a living and resigned himself to never getting laid again.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training said, “I smell mothballs,” while running with Tar Squeal.  I know it may have been a while, but that’s not a nice thing to say about Tar Squeal’s vagina.
  • The hares for thinking you could make a trail entirely of back checks.  More hares doesn’t necessarily equal a better trail, but when there are 7 of you, you can rotate on and off the ice in circle.
  • Cocktuplets still doesn’t have a hole, even though there’s an operation to fix that.
  • Silly Gay Virus was wearing the loudest, most obnoxious neon shirt I’ve seen since I was in grade school.  Good thing those sunglasses actually fit me; I needed them just to look at it.
  • Assflac made out with Just Maisie (WOWO’s weimaraner) and said he’s had worse.
  • Big Bend Over was looking for the first aid kit because his nipples were chafed, and he wasn’t even wearing a corset.
  • Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow is the worst wingman ever; he was going to bring something for Can’t Get Beaver to bang, but he forgot.
  • Floral Sex, Double-Ohh Positive, and Please Step Away from the Whores auto-hashed in a cab.
  • The Cock Strikes 12 tried to give people shots of flour.  Despite all appearances, it’s not Jesus Juice from concentrate 
  • Just Steph was rubbing a confetti popper, trying to figure out how it worked, when it went off prematurely, in her hand.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Floral Sex can fit more in when she loses muscle tone.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me tried to impersonate the drummer from Def Leppard, but she has one arm too many.
  • Sexion 7 Housing said that no matter how you violated her, she still wouldn’t come all the time.
  • Assflac is allergic to pussy, especially when it gets close to his face. 
  • Osama Bin Put It Out wrapped his t-shirt around his head to look like a turban.
  • Tits for Tots wiped out on trail but was relieved to at least not have hurt her bone.

 

Then we had a NAMING!

Just May attended the Naval Academy, where she majored in oceanography, and is now a supply officer.  She’s a lightweight who gets drunk on 2 beers, but she is a pro at booting and rallying; her record is puking 5 times at the Preakness Stakes.  Just May lived in Bancroft Hall and once got caught having sex on the roof.  She has two tattoos, one of which is a tramp stamp with Chinese characters that she says mean, “hope, prosperity and double happiness,” but actually means, “enter here.”  The other tattoo is a monkey on her hip with the words, “Pura Vida,” or “life is good.”  Just May owns a dog named The Dread Pirate Roberts, which has to be the most awesome pet name ever.  She likes to leave her underwear on the balcony, and when she lived on a ship, there were 2000 Marines on board beating off while thinking about her.  Or her underwear.  Just May once got her sister arrested for assault, and gave her coach a boner when he heard her faking an orgasm.

 

Names (that didn’t suck) were:

  • VOUS (Vaginas of Unusual Size)
  • Pussy on a Hot Tin Roof
  • Hey, Hey, Here’s My Monkey!
  • Red Roofie Inn
  • Win, Place, or Throw
  • Anchor Twat
  • There She Blows… Again
  • And
  • Have Fun Storming The Asshole!

 

Who can resist a Princess Bride reference?  We sure can’t, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), Just May will be known as Have Fun Storming the Asshole!

 

About half of us made it to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, saw one of the most amusing table reservation signs ever (“Natural Distaster Wedding Party,” a bit redundant if you ask me) and tried to get laid.  It was horribly crowded, so apparently, the other half went to a different bar, drank cheap beer, and played flip-cup, presumably while also trying to get laid.  Now that takes some coordination! 

 

Until next time, keep partying like c*ck stars,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Cum Dumpling, Low Press’her Front, Kandy Panties, Just Nikki and our very speshul mystery hare Poop Weiner
Brew Crew:
Saskatchewsnatch and I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just Caitlin, Amanda, Max, Todd, Brad, Ron, Andy, Rebeca, Rob, Katie, Brian and Peter

Visitors:
 Poop Weiner (SHHH), Fire Pants Alec and Just Anna
Analversaries:
Silly Gay Virus (17)
OnOnOn:
The Ugly Mug


We gathered outside of the Eastern Market Metro station during what had been a beautiful day.  The hares were sent off, the virgins were educated about trail marks and we circled up for our normal opening shenanigans.  We had a replacement RA this evening: Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me.  She apparently has zero pull with the hash gods because as soon as we started opening circle the skies opened up and there was a downpour so heavy would have given Noah cause for alarm. 

The pack was off on a “trail” that was completely washed away.  Literally there was not a single mark to be found.  This fact didn’t stop Hair Cuntery from continuously yelling “On-On” and leading the entire pack on a “trail” of his own devising.  Where was the sweeper hair?  Who the fuck knows?  Following Hair Cuntery into unknown does not exactly fill you with a sense of confidence, but apparently there was a method to the madness, after about three miles of r*cism the pack did find the beer check. (That method being running around the neighborhood going through every plausible beer check location.)

By the time we got to beer check the rain had abated and it was actually possible to lay trail.  The hares were off and the pack followed after consuming some tasty beverages.  Maybe three quarters of a mile into the second half of trail the hares popped out of hiding and tried to pelt the FRBs, and the pack, with flour.  Unfortunately they neglected to actually send anyone ahead of this ambush point to lay the rest of trail… so now the pack was actually in front of the hares… I have no idea how they thought this would work out well.  I ended up walking the rest of trail because there wasn’t any point in running it.

We got to the end, which was the same location as the beer check.  Another excellent choice of strategy by the hares… We had circle and proceeded to get rained on in spite of the fact that the skies over head were basically clear of clouds… Cocky, sacrifice your virginity already!!!  Clearly the hash gods are not happy with you protecting it.

Now on to the details:

Violations:

  • Slumcock Anywhere was “working” from home and had decided to pass the time by having a beer and watching some inter-net porn, unfortunately his favorite porn site was down and he decided to do actual work instead.
  • The Hares did down-downs for not anticipating the weather and laying their accordingly… Low Pressure Front is a meteorologist for Christ sakes!  (FYI- a ‘meteorologist’ is someone who predicts the weather.)
  • Do Me Howser bought the cow, having just married Tupperware.  It was noted that Tupperware has been barely seen at the hash since snaring a man.
  • Fucks Up Dock? Was complaining that she had a drippy snatch.  She assured me that we had nothing to worry about as she was taking something for it…
  • Just Nikki covered herself in orange flour.  She drank for trying to impersonate an “orange” girl with a bad fake tan.
  • Just Tara asked if we hashed during the winter.  Next she’ll be asking if we hash during national holidays and natural disasters.
  • The notorious FRBs Sphincter Shy and Cock Your Suck I Will were trying find trail even though the were AHEAD of the hares.
  • The hares did down downs for their excellent “stragery” in sending no one ahead to actually lay trail when they decided to ambush the pack.
  • Obeastiologist was talking about “fartlicking” on trail.  Whether he was being a r*cist or just gross doesn’t matter.  He deserved his down down.
  • Roll Over Bitch! was violated for abusing his position as Harerazer by using the hareline to pimp out his resume.
  • Eat Your Vegetables was commended for managing to appear popular during at least one hash.
  • Canned Pussy, #2, Just Nick and Fuxedo all managed to show up to beer check completely dry.  Something wasn’t kosher there!
  • Hair Cuntery was violated for creating his own 5K in place of the first half of trail.
  • ChippenFails had a flower growing out of his ass… apparently sperm is a good fertilizer.


Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!  (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Nick who had been thrown back the week before was brought into the circle for second shot at getting a name that didn’t suck.  During round two of the interrogation we learned the following about Just Nick:

  • Graduated from the Naval Academy and is a Navy pilot
  • His squadron is the Bulldogs and his call sign is Stewie
  • Lost his virginity at 18 in the living room of his girlfriends house
  • The meanest thing he ever did to someone was drop a bomb on the wrong house.
  • The meanest thing he ever did to an American was punch a girl in the stomach
  • His favorite barnyard animal is a goat
  • His favorite TV shows are CNN and Man vs. Wild

Edgar Allan Ho who has the (mis)fortune of sleeping with Just Nick these days had a story about the night they first met.  It was after a hash and EAH and Just Nick met at the ononon.  They left for metro together and while on metro they made a little and Just Nick tried to get EAH to go down on him, which she didn’t do.  Before they needed to switch trains he tried to get her to come home with him, which she also refused to do.  Of course a little later that night he called her claiming to have missed his train, and she picked him up and brought him home that night anyway.  (Apparently EAH is pretty gullible…)

Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:

  • Bait-n-Switch
  • Police Blowtality
  • Rail Rider
  • No Means Anal
  • Last Train to Poleland
  • Slobber on My Cock You Bitch
  • Ass Wide Shut
  • Ho She Chin Trail


None of these names quite had the cache of Whore Crimes however.  Goodbye Just Nick, hello Whore Crimes.

Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!

The crowds lust for namings not sated with Just Nick (err Whore Crimes) Just Judy was dragged into the circle.  Just Judy went to American University whose mascot is the Bald Eagle.  Her hobbies include hashing, hashing and hashing.  (NO idea what Just Judy did with her time before discovering hashing.)  She works as a restaurant hostess.  (Philosophy major in college?)  She grew up in Puerto Rico and went to an all girls catholic high school.

She lost her virginity in college and swallows after a blow job.  She was a good catholic girl in high school so when she dated guys she would blow them instead of giving them sex.  The strangest place she’s ever had sex was in a lifeguard house in Miami Beach.  Her favorite sexual position in missionary.  When asked about how many girls she has kissed Just Judy had a story about making out with a stripper in front of an ex-boyfriend.  When asked about the first time she had anal sex, her response was: “It was a surprise.”

We learned a lot more about Just Judy but unfortunately my scribe notes get pretty esoteric at times.  I sure wish I could remember what story the note ‘Long dark phallus – Flavor in my mouth’ referred too.  I’m also  pretty sure there was some sort of catholic school girl lesbian story… Oh well, not everything can be recorded for posterity.

Anyway, the following names were nominated for Just Judy:

  • Double Stacked
  • Dyke Watch
  • Three Men and a Maybe
  • What abouy Knob
  • Bunkake
  • Coochie Grissel
  • Shindlers Lisp
  • Everything Butt
  • Surprise Attack
  • All Head No Bed
  • Amtush

In the end due to her catholic upbringing and her subsequent attempts to make up for lost time Just Judy was named John 3:69

Then we went to ononon, drank our faces off and tried to get laid.  Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were!

 

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

Hares:  Cute Lesbian In Training, Tar Squeal, Red Vag of Courage, Sphincter Shy, Gaystation, Pittsburgh Kneeler, Fluffer No Butther

Brew Crew:  Fucks Up Doc?, Buttfuck Norris

Virgins: Justs Kristen, William, Andrew, Philip, Scott , Tamara, Christa, Allison, Natalie, Marie, Emily, Luis, Ashton, Erica, David, David, Jenny, Anicero, Carla, Laura, Rebecca, Mike, Elizabeth, Winnie, Dan, Trish, Ben

Visitors:  Party Mouth (Guantanamo Bay), Swinger (Atlanta), Explodes on Impact (Memphis)

Ononon:  Larry’s Lounge

 The pack of black-clad dominatrixes and submissives met up in Dupont Circle for the S&M hash, a couple hours before another pack of black-clad Iran election protesters were slated to meet up in the same place, confusing tourons and passers-by alike.  We ran through the neighborhood to a shot check, and by shots, I mean Dixie Cups of boxed wine.  Classy!  Thus refreshed, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park, whips cracking along the way.  We forded Rock Creek at a particularly deep point; a few of the shortest harriers and harriettes may have had to swim, and then up the steepest, slipperiest hill in DC.  Damn, those hares really are sadistic.  We dried off by running through Georgetown and into the gayest beer check ever, right at P Street Beach.

 We interrupt this hash trash for a quick PSA (as in Public Service Announcement, not Please Step Away from the Whores):  Corsets chafe when you run several miles in them.  Use lube, er, I mean, Body Glide, generously.  The runners traced a circuitous route through Dupont Circle into Adams Morgan, while the walkers made a detour for Rita’s Frozen Ice, but we all eventually ended up at the On-In by Marie Reed.  There were kickballers playing nearby, so we could blame all the noise and general obnoxiousness on them.  After all, they’re the ones looking like idiots in their matching t-shirts.

 Violations:

  • Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me broke Cock Your Suck I Will’s nose a couple weeks ago, so Cock Your Suck I Will got revenge by locking Cocky up in her S&M dungeon and having her way with her.
  • An Inconvenient Poop tossed out half of her beer at beer check. That’s alcohol abuse!
  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock took the money his roommates gave him for the cable bill and used it to buy a plane ticket—and not even to go hike the Appalachian Trail, I mean, get some Argentinian tail.
  • Ring Toss Salad sold some of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock’s video games to pay the cable bill, but didn’t make enough of a profit margin to buy any porn.
  • Silly Gay Virus got kicked out of a strip club for requesting a Backstreet Boys song.  If he wanted it that way, he should’ve gone out in the gayborhood instead.
  • Cock Your Suck I Will pushed another hasher to the ground to get to the front of the pack, without setting up a safety word first.
  • Manipple Lickter tried to play crossing guard but directed the pack into oncoming traffic, also without setting up a safety word first.
  • Just Ben and Shetland Blow Me had sex in a port-a-potty on trail.  I thought that was Pork-A-Potty’s job.
  • Just Rory confused Tits for Tots with I Suck Dead People, which led the pack to confuse Just Rory with Helen Keller.
  • Just Winnie brought a camelback of vodka and cranberry juice to her virgin hash—that’s not just acceptable but commendable hash behavior.
  • Fluffer No Butther tried to order a Long Island iced tea at Rita’s.  For the record, Rita’s is an Italian ice joint that does not have a liquor license.
  • Big Bend Over was looking for the first aid kit because his nipples were chafed, and he wasn’t even wearing a corset.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door is going to be teaching special education at a middle school in Southeast.  As if the parents in that part of town didn’t have enough to worry about, now they’ll really need to lock up their sons.
  • The hares had a scouting fail; they put the beer check right by a public pool that was open.  It’s almost like they wanted someone to end up in handcuffs.
  • Explodes on Impact was whining on trail even when no one was whipping him. 
  • Big Bend Over thought this was the Outdoorsman’s Weekly hash rather than the S&M hash; he brought a fishing pole instead of a riding crop.
  • KP promised a long time ago to drill a hole in Cocktuplets, but he hasn’t yet.  Don’t keep a girl waiting!
  • Ring Toss Salad was responsible for the big wet spot on the periphery of end circle.

 Violations from the Crowd:

  • Fluffher No Butther went off the trail he was haring to pay a visit to his girlfriend, Rita.  He’s pussywhipped, and she’s frigid.
  • Cum Dumpling ran smack into a building on trail, because he needed to hurt just a little more.
  • Put It Out killed Michael Jackson so that he could be the oldest pedophile around.  I’ve got you in my sights, PIO.  You’d better sleep with one eye open.
  • Gaystation lost his wingman when Michael Jackson died.  He should blame PIO. 
  • Cradle to the Dreidel couldn’t decide which way she swings, so she jumped into a bush full of pricks to get the best of both worlds.
  • Party Mouth came all the way up from Guantanamo Bay and didn’t even waterboard anyone on trail.
  • Shamrock Your Cock:  George W. Bush is no longer president, so it’s ok to pronounce “nuclear” properly again.  It’s not “nucular.”
  • Cum Dumpling and Saskatchewsnatch forgot to tell Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow to bring his fist-shaped dildo. 
  • Cock Your Suck I Will had to get plastic surgery to get rid of the damage from Cocky’s love bite.

 Then we had a NAMING!…. sort of.

Just Nick attended the Naval Academy and is now a pilot with the Marines, so in other words, he gets paid to play with a stick that is attached to a weapon.  He flies harriers but claims to prefer to ride harriettes, despite having a Tom Cruise poster in his bedroom.  Just Nick studied history and likes goats and prefers to shag them doggy style.  He claims to have passed out in a model.  Model what?  I don’t know.  Just Nick’s favorite hobby is skydiving, but he’s never jumped tandem because he doesn’t like to have a guy behind him.  Even if it were Tom Cruise?  Finally, some kids once saw him giving a blow job in a parking lot.  Oh, wait, was that supposed to be getting a blow job?  My bad.  I bet Tom Cruise was somehow involved.

 Despite this wealth of information, the pack didn’t come up with much of anything good, so we threw Just Nick back.  Remember it for next time.

 We proceeded to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, and hit on gay guys.

 Spankings and whippings,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Edgar Allan Ho, Blows a Tranny, Obeastiologist, Put It Out and Mannipple Lickter
Brew Crew: Saskatchewsnatch and George StuffedAnOctopus
Virgins: Just Jaime, Andy, Sharon, Jenn, Nisha, Heather, Kendra, Laurie, Erin, Emily, Brian, Ro, Julie, Paul, Kelsey, Jenn, Jason, Ainsly, Hume
Visitors:  eXplodes On iMpact (MemphisH3), Cork Sucker (Puget Sound H3), Banana Hamock (Austin H3), Just Dave (Texas) and Just Christine (Texas)
Analversaries: Tits for Tots (100), Wookin Pa Nub (69), Slum Cockanywhere (17) and Peas on my Face (17)
OnOnOn: Ruby Tuesdays

This year Every Day Is Wednesday hosted the 6th leg of the Tour Duh Hash.  The Tour Duh Hash is an annual event where the truly intrepid (or stupid) can broaden their horizons and enlarge their livers over 9 straight days of hashing with each hash hosted by a different DC kennel.  Seizing the opportunity to show off an EWH3 trail to hashers from other kennels, the hares presented us with a trail so great it was guaranteed to get all but the most prudish of harriets absolutely dripping wet!

Our illustrious GM, Kandy Panties circled us up, some announcements were made and we warned NOT to bring any technology on trail.  The virgins and visitors were introduced, we sang a single verse of High My Name Is Joe, and the pack was sent off.

The trail itself was shiggerific.  It was muddy, had a number of river crossings and more wet holes than a porn convention.   This trail swept me off my feet!  (Literally, the current on one of the river crossings swept me off my feet.)  Fortunately my equipment (scribe notebook and pen) was well wrapped so I was still able to perform at the end circle.  My parents have been telling be to wrap my junk since middle school!   They can’t say I didn’t listen.

Along the way we were treated to two beer checks and a gratuitous shot of ChippenFails bare ass.  Amazingly the casualties were minimal and most of the pack made it to the end circle.  (Frankly I’m always amazed that most of the pack makes it to end circle…)

To enjoy photographic evidence of all the shiggy, wet t-shirts and debauchery be sure to check out the hash flash:  http://www.kodakgallery.com/ewh3/

Now on to the details:

Violations:

·         Po Po Disco did a down-down for having perfect face makeup in spite of running the wettest, shiggiest trail of the year.  Cock Your Suck I Will, whose “makeup” (a broken nose and two black eyes) resembled a raccoons, did a down-down for not getting advice from Po Po about how to put her face on.

·         Air Spanker One and ChippenFails do not exactly epitomize the pinnacle of human evolution, so it was no surprise when they were both caught flinging poo on trail.

·         Banana Hammock paid for hash cash with $2 bills.  I guess inflation is starting to affect the tips you get as a stripper.

·         Kandy Panties, after warning the entire pack NOT to bring any technology on trail, was caught answering his blackberry while he was chest deep in water.  According to witnesses he answered with the line “It’s not a good time.”  Really? No shit!  I bet KP is the kind of guy that picks up a call from his mom while he‘s having sex too.

·         Wax On Whacks Off was caught urinating using an unusual lunging stance.  He did a down-down for learning how to urinate from his dog.

·         Maytagged got a sex injury that actually required a visit to the emergency room.  Afterwards she was so bow legged that she waddled more than she walked.  I’m guessing the next time Maytagged sees an ad in the City Paper looking for a girl for some “equine fun,” she’ll think twice.

·         Keyless Entry was quoted as saying “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a dark wet tunnel and I’ve missed it.”

·         Me-Likee-Lickee-Caca thinks all Asian girls look alike.  

·         Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me was off trail and thought she heard someone calling her name: “Cocky!, Cocky!” It turned out they were actually screaming “Cracker!, Cracker!”

·         Mannipple Lickter lost his hash mug.  Fortunately for him it was found by Legs Over Easy who returned it to him carefully encased in a protective layer of Jello.

 

Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!  (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Nick grew up in South Dakota and went to South Dakota State University, home of the Jack Rabbits.  He works for the USDA performing hog and pig inventories.  He didn’t seem very confindent about what his hobbies were, answering “Cycling, well no not really, volleyball.”  At this point the crowd decided that Just Nick may be a little bit retarded. 

Just Nick is married although he is known for showing up to the hash with a woman who is not his wife.  When asked what his favorite sexual position Just Nick responded ‘piggy style.’  After a demonstration it turned out ‘piggy style’ was awful lot like ‘doggy style.’  His most embarrassing sexual moment was being caught by his first girlfriend’s mother while they were in the act.  Since the mom just walked away, without saying anything, this story didn’t seem too embarrassing.  However the strangest place Just Nick ever had sex was in a porta potty at a Dave Matthews concert.  (Hold on a minute while I try to keep my lunch contained… Okay I think I’m okay. Really, a porta potty has got to be one of the unsexiest place to have sex EVER.  Almost as bad as a Dave Matthews concert!)

Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:

  • Everything But The Squeal
  • Fucks Slow Women
  • Corky the Pig
  • Pork-n-Ride
  • Bring Home the Bacunt
  • Pig-in-a-polk
  • Under the Table and Creaming
  • Squeal Chair
  • Ass Into Me

In the end all of these suggestions paled against Porka Potty.  And so with golden beverage Just Nick was christened Porka Potty.

Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!

A second naming, now this is something we actually DON’t do every week!  Just Jill is known for showing up to the hash with Porka Potty every week.  She is from Michigan and went to Michigan State for College where she majored in Spanish and Criminal Justice.  She uses this education to perform background checks for non-profit agencies. 

The meanest thing she had ever done to one of her siblings growing up was to take a switch to her younger sister.  She has been kicked out of Catholic school.  Her most embarrassing non-sexual moment was walking out of the bathroom in high school with her skirt tucked into her shorts. 

Just Jill lost her virginity at 13 (well… it may have been 17).  When asked if she had ever had a lesbian experience Just Jill said “no” but indicated that she was curious.  The most interesting place she had ever had sex was in the paint room of the student union and MSU. (Wow, really getting wild there…) Her most embarrassing sexual moment was losing her shorts while getting finger banged in van; she had to walk home wrapped in a blanket.  (Apparently, this was also her first time rounding that particular base.  Way to start your ‘career’ there Just Jill!)  She also remembered that the van was 1982 Chevy diesel.   Klassy! (with a capitol K on purpose)

The following names were proposed by the crowd:

  • Jack Me Off
  • Uncle Tom’s Stabbin
  • Rusty Chastity Belt
  • Finger Taint by Numbers
  • C.O.N.D.O.M.  (Was an acronym for something.  I don’t remember what.  It sucked anyway.)
  • Father Forgive Me
  • Sexcommunicated
  • Sister Mary Gagged on Her

From now on we’ll be calling Just Jill Uncle Tom’s Stabbin. 

We went to the OnOnOn, got drunk and tried to sleep with people from other hashes.   (Hey that IS new!)  Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were!

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

Hares:  Me Likee-Lickee-Caca, Tit-Ka-Boob, WOWO, Underground Railroad and Mellow Foreskin Cheese

Brew Crew:  Chicken Phucker, Just May

Virgins: Justs Jessica, Christian, David, Tim, Mark, Al, Rebecca, Leah, Sam, Sarah, Desirae, and Brett

Visitors:  Bang Me, Blow Me, Make Me Cum (Thirstday—Chicago), Just Wendell (Dayton or Smutty Crab)

Ononon:  American Legion

The pack started out by the new DOT building and took off into the sweltering heat and humidity.  We looped through a big chunk of Southwest DC, at one point following flour that was not blue but an odd, beige color (more on that later), and got a bit lost when trail seemed to lead to a WH4 check.  Eventually, we reached the side of the erstwhile Market Inn—way too close to my office for comfort—for a lemony fresh shot check.  After that, the pack ran through a lighted tunnel and into a parking lot under a freeway, that some of us thought would be the location for beer check, but it turned out we had miles to go.  On we went, passing by a school and through some projects, until, just as we were thinking that this trail was shaping up to be a death march, we finally reached the beer check.

Our bellies full of beer, we continued on.  Still feeling my hangover from shenanigans the night before, I walked the second half, which turned out to be a pretty direct stroll from the beer check to our trusty on-in at Garfield Park.  Oh, Capitol Hill end circle location, how we will miss you when whatever construction is slated to take place there actually goes down.

 Violations:

  • Just Scott was wearing brand new drinking vessels.  He had owned a pair of running shoes that looked exactly the same as his new pair, but gave them to a friend just so he could wear his brand new shoes to the hash.  Now, that’s trying way too hard.
  • Ring Toss Salad must not be satisfied with his love life; he was making out with Just Maisie (WOWO’s dog, if you’ve been living under a rock) at opening circle.
  • Eat Your Vegetables wore a headlamp and sunglasses on trail.  He’s not gay; he’s just confused.
  • The hares can’t lay to save their lives.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! likes uncircumcised dick on boys.  It is more sensitive that way.
  • Buttfuck Norris needs to learn to keep a bitch in line; his dog took a huge dump in the middle of an intersection.
  • Chip-n-Fails likes water sports, but he should find a consenting partner instead of sneaking up on harriettes as they are trying to pee.
  • Hair Cuntery has so much trouble keeping a woman, he couldn’t even get one to stay with him when they’re handcuffed together.
  • Peace O’Chum wore a shirt from a 5K and when called on it, said, “A 5K isn’t really a race.”  Raceism AND snobbery!
  • My Little Pony gave a guy a blow job, tried to spit and failed, but hey, at least what didn’t go in him went on him.
  • Muff the Magic Dragon drank the shot at shot check and said, “Mmm, chunky!  Just like I like it.”  Also, just like semen.
  • Just Nick was wearing the shortest shorts I’ve ever seen worn by anyone other than Semen on the Pew.  The torch has been passed.
  • Just David didn’t tell his virgin, Just Dez, to bring running shoes.
  • The hares decided we should do something healthy to counteract the weekly destruction of our livers, so they laid trail with whole wheat flour.
  • Chip-n-Fails’ package was almost hanging out of his shorts.  In the words of one harriette, “It’s like looking at a car crash—I really don’t want to look, but I can’t turn away!”
  • Eat Your Vegetables pretended to not know where the Crucible was, but was not-so-secretly excited about it.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock really didn’t know anything about The Crucible.
  • Keyless Entry had trouble counting to 69.  How could anyone forget that number?

 Violations from the Crowd:

  • Peace O’Chum aired out her crotch at beer check.  Dude, we’re not in Baltimore.
  • Rambutt was glad she took 12 inches before trail instead of just 6.  But who wouldn’t be happy about that?
  • Cock Your Suck I Will can’t pour beer and sing at the same time.
  • Cute Lesbian In Training was covered in cum and smoking a cigar at end circle. 
  • Sphincter Shy got second-degree burns while masturbating.  I don’t even want to know.
  • PoPo Disco put on a show for the 12-year-old boys the pack ran by.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again—that’s my job, dammit.
  • Fat Friends In Wet Places got tired of waking up in a puddle, so he bought an economy-sized box of Depends.
  • Cocky recruited Cock Your Suck I Will to bang other women, oops, I mean to play rugby.
  • Floral Sex got her braces off—gentlemen, she can now give you head!
  • CLIT demonstrated that she likes big, brown dick.

Then we had a NAMING!

Just Katharine can be kind of quiet, so we handcuffed her to Hair Cuntery at the start of trail, so he could get the goods on her.  She works in media relations, which means she bangs reporters.  This is completely unrelated to Just Katharine’s original field of study; she majored in gay, I mean, French, at Oberlin.  Despite having attended Oberlin, the college that requires express consent for anything sexual (“May I touch your boobies now?”  Awkward!), and whose students coined the term, “womyn,” she has never had a lesbian experience.  Just Katharine likes pigs, missionary position, and anal sex.  She slept with a 15-year-old when she was 20 (I have found my Yoda) and a 42-year old former Olympic gymnast, who was the fittest man she’s ever been with.  Finally, Just Katharine has lived in Tahiti and Senegal.  She got laid in Senegal, so she probably has AIDS now.

Naming Suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

Mud Diamond

AIDS Worker

Sex Panther

Missionary Robinson

Mary Kay LePorno

Pummeled Horse

Whore Exercise

Cork Grind

Meat the Press

Seneganal

Her Medic Seal

And

Madeleine All Tight

In the end, the pack named her Meat the Press.

We proceeded to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, some brave souls ate baked beans from a trough, and the rest of us tried to get laid.

Besos,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Assflac, Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me, Chippen Fails, Hair Cuntery, Shamrock Your Cock
Brew Crew: Incredible Edible Schmegg, Slumcock Anywhere
Virgins: Justs Jeannette, Jen, Ben, Masi, Nick, Derek, Christy, Richard, Matt, and Adam
Visitors: None were stupid enough to show up for this trail.
Analversaries: 17—Gerry Ass Tricks; 200—Shamrock Your Cock
Ononon: Library Bar
The pack, including but not limited to the 42,000 male virgins that Just May brought (where, oh where, have bukkake violations gone?), gathered in a grassy area opposite from a Home Depot and some other stores, and took off through some ghetto-tastic alleys, until we reached a 15-foot-high fence. Many were stupid enough to climb over it, but a few of us towards the back waited for Cocky to sweep us around. That obstacle conquered, we stopped at the shot check to drink bad, cheap whiskey before running through the grounds of several Catholic churches, Catholic University, and Trinity College. Fortunately for the young men in the pack, there was nary a priest in sight, and we all made it to the beer check
under the Metro unmolested.
I couldn’t tell you what the second half of trail was like, because I drank so much at beer check, I don’t remember. Actually, I’m lying: I was going to walk the second half as I am recovering from a knee injury (between that and the swine flu, I’ve been the walking wounded this month), but somehow, my companions and I totally missed walkers trail. We managed to stumble upon the hares and followed them to the on-in, which was in the exact same location as beer check, so we really didn’t even need to go anywhere. That was all for the best, though, as the hash revived the long-standing tradition of sandwich night, and I ended up getting to the table to make a sandwich before much of the pack even finished running trail. Tastes great, more filling!
Violations:
• Gaystation was secretly going to audition to be a Redskinette, but revealed his plans by making up cheers for Sphincter Shy while on trail.
• General’s Farm Animal wiped out while trying to spank a hot, young, female Just, and ended up with a faceful of curb instead of a handful of ass.
• Eat Your Vegetables was reading Runners’ World on the Metro on the way to the hash. He’d have been better off reading Playgirl.
• The hares teased the pack by taking us through so much Catholic property without anyone seeing any naughty Catholic schoolgirls. They were probably so busy being blown by altar boys that they forgot that the rest of us have needs too!
• Gaystation came out of nowhere to the hash—just like he does in bed.
• Cocktuplets loudly proclaimed that she smells like Gaystation. Is that really something to be proud of?
• Dial F and You’re A Pee’n Swallow turned out to be cousins, so they’re moving to North Carolina so they can continue to legally celebrate their love.
• Spincter Shy is so shy about his sphincter that he can’t find it with two hands and a flashlight, as evidenced by his passing the walkers three times while looking for beer check.
• Chippen Fails failed at bukkake—you’re supposed to have many men squirting liquid on one woman, not one man throwing powder on many women.
• Cum Dumpling thinks he’s Dick Tracy; he kept checking his talking GPS watch to see how far he’d gone.
• Just Jill got meat juice on her arm, instead of in her mouth, where it belongs.
• Gaystation combined auto-hashing, safety third, and sex on trail by running backwards into a car and falling onto it with his legs all splayed out, ready for action.
• The hares brought obnoxious noisemakers, the kind you pull out and blow on every New Year’s Eve, into circle. Couldn’t they find anything better to put in their mouths. On second thought, Chippen Fails shouldn’t answer that.
Violations from the Crowd:
• Tar Squeal was so raceist, she didn’t even stop at beer check.
• Popo Disco didn’t bring Marion Barry to the hash.
• Red Vag of Courage had a huge bruise on her lower back, obtained in a tragic doggy style accident.
• Chippen Fails failed again: He hit on a Catholic schoolgirl while scouting trail, but couldn’t make her come.
• Popo Disco refused to drink beer because she’s on the South Beach Diet. Semen, however, is totally permitted; it’s high in protein and low in carbs.
• I Manual Cunt thought we were running the Miami Vice trail and came to end circle dressed like Sonny Crockett.
• Cute Lesbian In Training not only looks like she’s 12 years old; she also
wears a 12-year-old’s bikini.
• Cocky recruited Cock Your Suck I Will to bang other women, oops, I mean to play rugby.
• Popo Disco is getting her tattoos lasered off: You can erase your exhusband’s name, but you can’t laser off the trashy.
• I Manual Cunt impaled himself on a big pole and won his very own Darwin Award. Survival of the fittest, yo.
Then we had a NAMING!
Nobody new much about Just Greg, so we handcuffed him to CLIT at the start of trail, so she could get the goods on him. He’s from New York, majored in linguistics at University of Maryland, and now designs websites for Street Sense, the newspaper published and sold by the homeless. Just Greg likes to have sex
doggy style, with goats, but he didn’t give Red Vag the bruise on her back, because his wife, whose name is Cleveland Rain (at least it’s not Detroit!) wouldn’t approve of that. Yup, he’s married, which means he never gets laid, and explains so much about why no one knew anything about him before Thursday night. Just Greg lost his virginity in a student lounge at Maryland, and used a condom from a vending machine. He has also had sex in a Swedish sauna. While trying to help some Gallaudet students carry their liquor purchases, he dropped a keg. What’s sign language for, “Ow, my foot!?” Last but not least, Just Greg’s favorite STD is the clap, because “it sounds funny.”
Naming Suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
Helen Smell ‘Er
Pornocchio
Skid Blow
Clap On Clap Off
Queering Aid
And
Eva Braille
In the end, the pack found the combination of gay jokes and deaf jokes irresistible and named him Queering Aid.
We proceeded to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, and tried to get laid.
Grosses baises,
Tits for Tots
EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Fucks Up, Doc?, Low Pressure Front, Just May and Just Jonathan
Brew Crew: Red Vag of Courage, Sphincter Shy
Virgins: Just Radha, Jordan, Michael, Sam, Ben, Mason, Joel, Liz, Kate, Vickie, April, Rachel, Chris, Eddie, Melody, Tom, Jenny, Laura, Nate, Jill, Abby and Thomas
Visitors: Rumple Foreskin (Stuttgart) and Bitch On Bitch On Bitch (Puerto Rico)
Analversaries: A Red River Runs Through It (200), Late Nigh Drive Through (169), Can’t Get Beaver (169), Blows a Tranny (100), Do Me Howser (100), Cum of a Preacher’s Hand (69), ChippenFails (17) and I Manual Cunt (17)
OnOnOn: Duffy’s

We circled up in the memorial in front of the metro entrance and began the opening festivities. Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, our GM for the evening, tried introducing us to the virgins and visitors but needed some help since he had lost his voice. (I hear that performing too much fellatio can do that to you.) Hair Cuntery was enlisted to act as Haystack’s “stunt voice,” because when you need something voiced for you it’s always a good idea use some wanker with a speech impediment! After suffering through the introductions, the crowd was informed that there would be two shot checks and one beer check on this crappy trail.

The trail was mostly urban running with the standard array of urban shiggy for the U St neighborhood: garbage, dark alleys, homeless people, dirty needles, etc, etc. The first shot check came pretty quickly but was also placed in such a way that 80% of the pack totally missed it. That 80% of the pack were the lucky ones however, because the shot tasted like rail tequila and must have been cut with syrup of ipecac. Now I’m a seasoned hasher. I’ve partaken in hundreds of shots on trail. Most of them undoubtedly made with the cheapest booze that money can buy, and never has a single shot gotten me so sick! I felt like retching well into the second half of the run. (Incidentally, I would like to thank our hash flash, Edgar Allan Ho, for following me into alleys so she could document my misery, and my dry heaves, for posterity. EAH your love is like ice cream… laced with cyanide.)

Even with my nausea I was able collect numerous accounts of hashers being stupid on trail during the beer check. I was also able to keep my beer down despite my best efforts and sincere desire to evacuate the entire contents of my stomach.

The last part of trail was more urban shiggy and included the worst smelling alley I have ever encountered. Really, the stench was unbelievable. It was what I would imagine rotting goat bowels might smell like. The second shot check was some red concoction that must have contained the antidote to whatever the hares laced the first shot with, because shortly after taking it I felt 100% better!

Eventually we made it to the on-in, circled up and proceeded with the usual debauchery. As a bonus the hash gods blessed us with an impromptu wet t-shirt contest shortly after end circle began! Now onto the details…

Violations:

Gorillas in the Fist was at her third “last” DC hash in row. She drank for having more farewell tours than the Rolling Stones.
Doesn’t Pull Out loudly declared that he hated vagina before opening circle. (Well maybe he declared that he hated Red Vag of Courage but she has a vagina so same difference, right?)
Cute Lesbian In Training’s running shorts had some white stains on the butt. She claimed that the stains were paint, but I’m guessing that DPO was too drunk to remember that he needs to take her shorts off BEFORE having sex.
Silver Spooge was concerned that his running skirt wasn’t straight. Silver, wondering whether or not your skirt is straight is kind of putting the cart in front of the horse isn’t it?
Just Zora came to the hash wearing a pearl necklace. We had to explain to her that a pearl necklace is not something you buy. It is something you are given, after the hash!
Edgar Allan Ho was wearing a running shirt that had a pocket between her breasts that she used to store her camera. A bunch of wankers though it looked like a third boob and we violated her for impersonating a marginal character from that sci-fi classic, Total Recall.
I Manual Cunt thought he was going to lucky that night. He was caught doing kegel exercises, err stretching on trail.
Floral Sex was bragging about how tight her own ass was on trail.
Mayonnaise on the Pooper drank for not explaining to her virgin, Just Rachel, that wearing new shoes to the hash is a no-no. (Don’t blame the kids, blame the parents!)

Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!

Just Jonathan (one of the hares of this “wonderful” trail) was chosen to be named. At this point the rain was coming down pretty hard and my scribe notes are pretty smudgy. So the following facts we learned about Just Jonathan may or may not actually be factual.

Just Jonathan went to college at the Fashion Institute of Technology. He now works for hedge fund and as a personal trainer. He lost his virginity at 15 and his embarrassing sexual moment was being caught doing it in the National Cathedral pool, after which he had to escape being caught by running down the street naked. He is huge fan of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Apparently, he has even mopped up blood at mixed martial arts events and has suffered a contusion of his coccyx fighting martial arts. His favorite submission hold is the rear naked choke.

According to his better half he owns way more hair products than any straight man should. When asked for an embarrassing story about Just Jonathan she told us about the first time they had sex: upon returning from the bathroom to freshen up Just Jonathan was already going to town on himself.

Armed with this information the crowd made the following nominations:
• Cumwit
• Bloody Butt Plug
• Total Kock Obsession (TKO)
• MM Gay
• Jizz Mopper
• Menstrual Blood Sport
• Liberachi
• Bruce Me
• Choke Hold
• Buttfuck Norris

Bruce me and Menstrual Blood Sport had a lot of crowd support, in the end though Buttfuck Norris won out as Just Jonathan’s new name. Goodbye Just Jonathan, hello Buttfuck Norris.

We escaped the rain, went to the Ononon, drank our faces off and tried to get laid. (What else is new?)

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe