EWH3 #575 – A Winter’s Tail Trail, Mt Vernon Square-Convention Center
Hares: Jedi Boob TriXXX, Clean Clam, Pinnochiho, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, Saskatchewsnatch
Brew Crew: Incredible Edible Schmegg, Just Barney
Virgin: Just: Andrew, Jenny, Kara, Danielle
Visitors: Hot Banana (Atlanta H3)
Analversaries: 69–Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Red Vag of Courage
Ononon: Kelly’s Irish Times
Trail started off on a confusing note: Despite putting out a trail news writeup cribbed from the works of William Shakespeare, the hares were dressed not like Shakespearean characters, but like bunnies. As amusing as it may be to see “King Lear” done entirely in rodent, the one guy who dressed in costume was not amused. In keeping with the bunny costumes, the hares seemed to confuse the hash with an Easter egg hunt–that’s about how hard the flour was to find during the first half of trail. The pack circled through Chinatown from a few different directions, losing and finding trail again, until we got to a shot check that tasted like Goldschlager. Or cinammon schnapps. Or mouthwash. After that, trail was short and sweet until we saw a “BN” marked on the ground, and then ran another 3/4 miles to get to the actual beer.
With beer jackets on, the pack took off for the second half of trail. It was pretty short, and involved going through a bunch of parking lots before getting to the on-in, on a parking deck. We were all supposed to go over a fence that was only about thigh-high on the near side but then was about a 10-foot jump down to get to the beer at the finish, and most wankers did jump it, but a few of us wimpy, I mean, smart, hashers, found a way to run around the fence to get in.
- Fucks Up, Doc? can’t resist the creamy white stuff. Take a number, boys.
- Casanada brought his lack of game back to his homeland. Not that homeland, the other homeland.
- Eat Your Vegetables complained about how his ass was sore after his ski trip. He should’ve brought lube.
- Just Puck, I mean Six Fags, was the only person to fall for the theme. It’d have been better if he’d put an ass’s head on top of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock and then enchanted Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me to fall in love with him or something.
- Just Brennan, Stud Finder, and Just Jess were dressed as raceist triplets. I’m pretty sure there’s a porn about that, but save it for after trail, ok?
- Little Red Ride Me Good promised to keep her mouth shut, because she’s good at it. We all know that’s a lie.
- Cum Dumpling is growing his hair out to donate to Locks of Love: The Merkin Collection.
- S & M.O.M. was worried that people would forget his nerd name once he got a hash name, so he wore it on his shirt.
- Twinkle paid $70 for a haircut and spa treatment, including oatmeal bath, for Jizzmo, which is more than he spends on his girlfriend.
- Leggs Over Easy can’t stop tonguing the hole. Oh, wait, that’s acceptable hash behavior.
- Chip ‘N’ Fails tried to warm his hands by sticking them down I’m Lick James, Bitch’s pants. Given that I’m Lick James, Bitch! has been getting a lot of male attention at the hash these last couple weeks, I’m not sure which one of them to violate.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Cocky chooses her bitches for reasons having nothing to do with their skill level.
- Chicken Phucker looked more like a penis than Rear Protein Injection for once.
- RPI once got pity sex because he looks like a chemotherapy patient.
- Roll Over, Bitch! never gets even pity sex.
- Cocky thought the last guy she was with couldn’t get it up because he was undergoing chemo.
- R.O,B! was practicing a double flip olly without a skateboard.
- Brokeback Mama knows what a double flip olly is.
- Buttfuck Norris kept blaming his explosive farts on his dog.
- Cum of a Preacher’s Hand got engaged. Why buy the cow when the sex is free?
- Presidential Nasty complains about not having a girlfriend but then puts up Gchat status messages like, “Researching and writing about anal pus.” And you wonder whey he’s single?
- R.O,B!–last time someone got laid in cargo pants, it was in ‘Nam.
- Twinkle taught Jizzmo to roll over and spread his legs. And yet he claims he’s not trying to make his dog be a dude magnet.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Nikki, as we learned last time she was up for naming, is from Remington, Washington. She went to George Mason to major in biology. She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm. She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias. That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere. She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip on a boat, with the boat engineer, got drunk, and told her professor about it. Wild! Just Nikki works at a sperm bank. The first time she hashed, she threw up in her purse and then called an ex-boyfriend to give her a ride home. Just Nikki dropped this prince of a guy to date I Manual Cunt. Yeah, really. The first time they had sex, it was on the floor of a friend’s living room after a night out at a gay club, which simultaneously confirms and refutes a lot of people’s suspicions about I Manual Cunt.
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
- Count Fuckula
- Twatson and Prick
- A 3-Hour Whore
- *spitting noise* (I don’t know how to spell it)
- Zygote in my Boat
- Survival of the Spittest
We’re all nerds, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing, except Great Falls (fuck them!), Just Nikki shall be known as Survival of the Spittest.
Is everybody happy? You bet your ass we are! The pack finished the beer in Plan B, went to the Times, drank Guinness, listened to the musical stylings of Pete Papageorge, who was playing there back when I was first in DC a long long time ago, and tried to get laid.
Give us your hands, if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends,
Tits for Tots