EWH3 #559 – Thanksgiving Hash, Rosslyn

Hares:  Areola Borealis, Purple Peter Eater, Saskatchewsnatch, Please Step Away from the Whores

Virgins:  Just Frances

Visitors:  Lez Crafter (Arizona)
Analversaries:  169 runs–Big Bend Over; 200 runs–Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow

Ononon:  None–everything was closet

 

The pack gathered on top of the parking deck above the Continental.  A few foolish, I mean, brave, souls actually ran trail, which was short, confusing due to there still being hash marks from two weeks ago on the ground, and redolent of Wild Turkey.  Most everyone did the smart, er, lazy, thing, and stayed on top of the parking deck, drank beer and Wild Turkey, and made fun of the runners.  After all, trail was so short that they probably only burned off the caloric equivalent of a spoonful of stuffing.  Either way, a good time was had by all.  

 

Violations:

  • Low Pressure Front went and got a puppy that’s even smaller and poofier than Just Barnaby.

 

  • Saskatchewsnatch interrupted Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow’s morning dump for no good reason.
  • Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow told me all about his morning dump.  TMI, dude.
  • Silver Spooge forgot that Seinfeld had been off the air for a whole decade and wore his puffy shirt to the hash.
  • Just Bobby gave Purple Peter Eater a new piercing.  If he’d wanted one of those, he’d have gone to the mall.   
  • Big Bend Over prefers it on him–you could tell by looking at his shirt.
  • Any Given Cumday told me a story about BBO’s butt hole, because apparently it was “Overshare with Tits” week.
  • Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler.  Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Any Given Cumday said she likes to motorboat girls, but didn’t motorboat Edgar Allan Ho.  What a tease!
  • Motormouth was quiet for 30 minutes straight.
  • Queerly I’m Straight and Peter, Peter, Manhole Eater both wore shiny new drinking  vessels to the hash.
  • Low Pressure Front named his puppy after male genitalia, which makes Just Tama totally gayer than Just Barnaby.
  • Shamrock Your Cock was sober enough to know that “tama” means “ball” in Japanese.
  • Finally, we had a round for all the Thanksigving babies present:  Silver Spooge, Purple Peter Eater, Can’t Get Beaver, and 3-Ring Cervix.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Jason is from Kansas City, went to a bunch of Catholic schools, and eventually majored in psychology, philosophy, and theology at university.  He now bartends at Tunnicliff’s, and is there anyone who did not see that coming?  He applied for a job at Remington’s, but was rejected.  Just Jason’s favorite sexual position is “reverse butterfly,” which involves holding one’s partner in the air and shagging him or her from behind, while he or she wraps her legs around you.  We really need a photo to do it justice, but I’m sure hash flash has that covered.  He has a tattoo of his family crest going into a Celtic cross.  Just Jason once got his nose broken during sex and bled all over the poor girl.  He has also gotten it on in a cornfield, and on a roller coaster called the “Zambezi Zinger.”  Finally, he once peed in his then-girlfriend’s dirty clothes hamper.  Hey, at least there weren’t clean clothes in there!  

 

Naming suggestions were:

  • Less rape, more willing
  • Bloody Fairy

and

  • Six Fags

 

The crowd went wild over Six Fags, so that’s what we’ll be calling him from now on.

Since we still had beer, we decided to have another NAMING!

Just Jolie is from Texas and went to Mary Washington University, where she majored in political science.  Apparently, there are a lot of lesbians there, because when she met Saskatchewsnatch in a dorm, the first words out of her mouth were, “Are you a lesbian?”  She is now a stockbroker at Merrill Lynch.  So that’s where all our money went!  Just Jolie has dreams about giving head and likes oral and spooning sex, but no anal.  She has a bunch of reiki tattoos.  Just Jolie has had group sex with one guy and three girls, and has kissed a lot of gay men.  She was once blowing a guy who asked her to bite down on his cock, and kept asking her to bite harder, until her teeth were almost touching.  At that point, she got skeeved out, and stopped with the biting.  That guy’s junk thanks him to this day.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Anything Butt
  • Thanks For Giving
  • Lorena Chomp It
  • Count Dickula

and

  • She Knows Dick

 

It was a bit of a close call, but henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Jolie will be known as Lorena Chomp It.

 

Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, until it was time to drag our drunk asses to Thanksgiving dinner with family or friends. 

 

Much love,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3# 557: The Marine Corps Birthday Hash- Rosslyn
Hares:
Sphincter Shy, Rambutt, All the Way In, She Fingered Me, Gladiator, Hair Cuntery
Virgins: Just Derrick, Allie Ross, Megan, Joe, Johnny Sheridan, Nick, Tara- apparently some thought this was a more formal event deserving of their full names…
OnOnOn: Rhodeside Grill

The rain beat down that Thursday as hashers strewn throughout the DC metro anxiously glanced out the windows at their real-people-work-spaces. “Will it break?” some thought. “Will I get my chance to run, drink, and strike out with numerous women?” (not speaking from personal experience, of course)

There was no rain as the few, the proud, the hashers gathered in the park-ish area by Key Bridge (although some did come dressed in entirely too much Gore-tex…you know who you are). The trail was, as promised, long and it required headlamps, something the pack learned early on as we were taken over to Roosevelt Island for an early shot-check. After delicious shots (I think) we headed over the bridge and into the city. Tour groups and hare-trickery were everywhere as we ran through the monuments. Reliable sources say that Forever Virgin was the only hasher to take Hair Cuntery’s Washington Monument bait. Hilarity ensued and the pack reached the beer check by Memorial Bridge.

Beer drank, run on. We crossed back into VA by means of Memorial. As we ran past Arlington cemetery towards the Iwo Jima Memorial (who’d have guessed?!) some shockingly handsome FRBs caught the hares! They were totally slow and- oh wait, no, they were helping a man who had run off the road. It turns out we weren’t the only ones drinking and moving fast that night, only we chose to drink and run, not drink and drive. Too soon? I hope he’s OK….

As the ambulance came Cock-a-Doodle-do Me and Nobody Puts Labia in a Corner grabbed the flour and helped finish the trail. After rubbernecking, the pack hit another shot-check and then ran to a parking lot in Rosslyn for circle.

Violations:

  • Obeastiologist forced us to play a round of “What Was He Talking About?” Overheard conversation snippet: “Sometimes I get lucky and get it in the first time, but other times it takes a couple of jabs at it.” You be the judge.
  • Sphincter Shy was violated for the second shot check, because after having that, the pack now knows what felching Hair Cuntery tastes like.
  • I Manual Cunt of course got it because he knew exactly what felching is. Look it up, I feel dirty typing it.
  • Red Vag of Courage complained that no one wanted to play with her as she ran across the highway. Look, there are “games” we’ll play with you, but real-life Frogger isn’t one of them.
  • Double Ohhh Positive and Jedi Boob Tricks had anal in the backseat of a cab without asking anyone and without care for the smell it left in that confined area.
  • Kandy Panties and ChippenFails had a good time sword playing on trail…a real good time.
  • Put It Out wore a neon green jacket with “The Best of Times” stitched onto the left breast. Just because you’re a contemporary of Dickens doesn’t mean you have to advertise it.

 


From the Crowd:
Just Some-Random-Guy-Behind-the-Wheel was violated for giving Sphincter Shy and Hair Cuntery their get-laid story of the year.
Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me wasn’t getting enough attention so of course she had to hare the finish.
I Manual Cunt really wanted to see aforementioned sword fight.
ChippenFails f*cked up the circle, which wasn’t so bad since it was the only f*cking he was going to do that night.
Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner got violated for being bad at violating.
Just Brennen said she came to the hash “to meet new people,” but all we heard was “get laid.”
The hares were violated because 75% of them were not EWH3.

No naming, since Officer Tackleberry broke up the circle. Is it me or is police interference becoming extremely common?

***Insert witty phrase here***
-Cum and Knock on My Back Door

EWH3 #556 – East Falls Church

Hares:  Assflac, St Pauli Girl, Have Fun Storming the Asshole, Kung Fu Hand Grip

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Predickamint

Virgins:  Just Katie, Nicole, Michelle, Brendan, Greg, Stan, Ralph, Amy

Visitors:  None were stupid enough to come out to schlep all the way out to Falls Church
Analversaries:  100 runs–Mannipple Lickter, French Toasted

Ononon:  Clare & Don’s

 

The pack gathered in a parking lot off the Custis trail, all of us asking why on earth we were way, way, out in Falls Church.  There were a lot of virgins, especially for being out in BFE in cold weather.  I don’t know much about the runners’ trail–coming off a bout of swine flu or something, I walked so as to preserve my voice and my health–but the walkers’ trail didn’t have a hare, a map, or any marks until we got all the way back to the metro.  At this point, some people had decided to zen into beer check, some of us followed the actual trail, and some stayed right by the beer van.  Good move, because beer check was right by where we started.  About half of the runners came in from the opposite direction than the hares expected, but hey, as long as you find the beer, it’s all good.  

 

The second half started off well-marked, taking us through various residential neighborhoods of Falls Church. (Though, really, is any part of Falls Church NOT a residential neighborhood?  Yes, Tranny, I know, I’m an urban hipster douchebag.)  A bunch of us lost the trail though, and split up:  Some took a gravel path through a park where it looked like the runners had been before, while the rest of us, fearing shiggy zenned to Washington Boulevard, found more runners’ trail marks, followed them around some unnecessary loops, and ended up in a parking lot behind a doctor’s office, long after everyone else had gotten in and circle had already started.  The moral of the story?  Damn, I miss running.          

 

Violations:

  • Little Red Ride Me Good did the “stand by Plan B and keep drinking all first half” trail, which you may say is acceptable hash behavior, but I say is bogarting beer.

 

  • If I Were a Stiff Man was drinking flavored coffee creamer from 7-11 straight, no chaser.  He just really missed having white, creamy stuff in his mouth.
  • Gaystation wore a ladies’ shirt to the hash, but sadly he hadn’t gotten it from shagging with a lady.  Nice try, but there’s no way you’re convincing us you’ve ever done that.
  • Just Stan:  Apparently, Jesus can go hashing!
  • Just Phil lost a used kleenex when it fell out of his shorts at opening circle.  Was he trying to stuff them, or was it just evidence that he planned to spend the night with his right hand?    
  • Eat Your Vegetables complained about thorns on the runners’ trail, despite the face that he should be used to handling a little prick by now.
  • Bolo Head Rat was very late for trail, because he’d had his baby with him, lost her in the woods, and looked around for her for a while before giving up and leaving her to be raised by wolves.
  • 8 millimeters brought 3 virgins and gave them one flashlight to share, the batteries of which died during the first half of trail. It was their first time; he should’ve been gentle with them!
  • Cock Your Suck I Will was complaining about how it was a week later and she still had a sore ass.  Honey, it’s called lube.
  • Silly Gay Virus shared his plans to put his engineering skills to use by making a Hannah Montana fleshlight.  That’s not creepy.  No, not at all.
  • Wax On, Whacks Off:  Colonel Pickett called, he wants the battle of Gettysburg back.  
  • Oregon Grinder finished trail on her scooter, taking auto-hashing to a new, even pussier level.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door tied a string between his wrist and his cock in order to convince a girl that he was capable of getting it up.  This probably goes without saying, but it didn’t fool her for a second.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Pee Wee’s Little Adventure and Silly Gay Virus helped Cum and Knock on my Back Door attach the aforementioned string.  Because it takes 3 guys to do that.
  • Assflac, despite having a PhD, can’t tell the difference between left and right.
  • Just Barney, who is apparently an actual human hasher, not to be confused with Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock’s poofter dog Just Barnaby, ran a race with a beer sticker attached to his shoe–he kept that and threw his timing chip away.  He is so smart! S-M-R-T! 
  • Cunt of the Litter was playing with her iPhone on trail.  There’s not an app to make it love you back, you know.
  • Speaking of iPhones, Obeastiologist asked if the iPod has a vibrator attachment.  Get with the times, someone invented that years ago.
  • Mayo on the Pooper’s boyfriend dumped her because she has amazing drafting skills, but her blow job skills, not so much.
  • WOWO got a reverse Brazilian done on his face.  

 

Then it was time for our third attempt at a NAMING!

As we said last week and the week before, Just Sharon attended University of Southern Arkansas, which may or may not be an online correspondence school, and where she majored in marketing.  She is now a recruiter in the Coast Guard, which is much better than her old job as a manager at McDonald’s.  When Just Sharon was in high school, her lesbian softball coach would make the team change out of their uniforms on the bus ride home so she could watch.  She has a tattoo of a four-leaf-clover.  Just Sharon is a self-proclaimed slut who likes it on top and once made out with 10 to 15 guys while on ‘shrooms at a party, and woke up with a boyfriend the next morning.  She loves to show her ass, and ran most of trail with her thong sticking out.  Finally, while kneeling on the naming mat as people asked her questions and told stories about her, Just Sharon entertained herself by playing with Cum Dumpling’s junk.  We learned this week that she likes mules, cowgirl is her favorite sexual position, she’s a spitter, and she still likes Cum Dumpling’s package.  

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Pork Fried Rice
  • Canker’s Dozen
  • Hong Kong Ptooey!
  • Fortune Coochie
  • Brue Balls
  • Shanghai Express
  • Sesame See Buns

and

  • Happy Ending Meal

 

The third time turned out to be the charm, and Just Sharon got named Hong Kong Ptooey!  This is best said making a spitting gesture on the last word.

Since we had fallen a bit behind, the cops were mercifully absent, and we still had beer, we decided to have another NAMING!

Just Kelsey attended University of Indiana and managed to graduate without being choked or having chairs thrown at her.  She majored in English, journalism, and exercise science, and now works at a lobbying firm, the Pederasty, I mean, The Podesta Group.  She likes sheep because they’re furry, and she prefers to be on top of them while having sex.  One night when Just Kelsey was in college, she blew two guys and didn’t remember it at all.  She was later told that people were cheering her on the first one, and she threw up on the second guy’s cock.  She once gave Just David a ride home from the hash, and when she got to his place to drop him off, he whipped his dick out and asked her, “This thing between us, is it just physical?”  She turned him down, as she has a longtime boyfriend, but methinks that kid will have all kinds of good material when it’s time for him to get named.  But I digress:   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Am-on-your-knees-ia
  • Betty Whored
  • Can I Have A Ride Home?
  • The World According To Gulp
  • Oops, I Blew Him Again
  • Target of Opportunity

and

  • Back Seat Driver

 

The literary wankers lost out to the bubblegum-pop-loving wankers, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Kelsey will be known as Oops, I Blew Him Again.

 

Two namings done, we drank more beer, sang songs, went to the bar, and tried to get laid and/or belliggerent with taxi dispatchers. 

 

Besos,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #555 – Halloween Hash, Foggy Bottom

Hares:  Presidential Nasty, Pittsburgh Kneeler, C.L.I.T., Tar Squeal, John 3:69

Brew Crew:  Marco Homo, Wank Like an Egyptian

Virgin:  Just Carrie, Alina, Cllie, Christian, Sarah, Etiola, Chris, Zach, Susan, Laura, Lauren, Charlie, Noah, and Devin

Visitors:  Just Liz (Brooklyn H3)

Ononon:  Science Club

 

What’s even better than going to parties dressed up in scary, wacky, and/or sexy costumes?  Running through DC in scary, wacky, and/or sexy costumes, terrorizing all the yuppies leaving their offices!  The pack met up in Washington Circle to do just that, and after a bit of checking out all the costumes–almost no one got that I was dressed as mo(u)rning wood without a ton of prompting–we were off.  We ran through neighborhoods in Foggy Bottom and West End before heading into Rock Creek Park, sneaking into an old cemetery, climbing up a steep, muddy slippery hill, and, finally, reaching the first shot check, something lemony.  I needed it too, having learned the hard way that running through shiggy is even harder when you’re carrying some of said shiggy with you.  After more running through the park, the pack hit the second shot check, located in a gazebo, and involving orange pop.  Yeah, I said “pop.”  I’m from Michigan.  Deal.  We then emerged in Georgetown and ran through campus, including on some stairways and paths connecting undergrad dorms.  By this point, we’d run about 4 miles, so when I saw some guys carrying cases of beer to their room, I was very, very tempted to forget about beer check and make some new friends right then and there.  I stayed with the pack instead, though, and followed trail down the Exorcist stairs, across M Street and the C & O Canal to beer check where K Street turns into the Capitol Crescent Trail.  Next time, boys.  

 

The pack drank much-needed beer and admired each other’s costumes some more before we got sent off, with the walkers taking a 5-minute head start.  They needed it too, because the runners’ trail was pretty much a straight shot through Georgetown and Foggy Bottom to an alley downtown behind the bar, where we drank beer and ogled and/or mocked all the costumes again, some more.          

 

Violations:

  • Hair Cuntery said he found a hairy rope and put it in his shorts when asked about his costume.  Isn’t that what he does every night?
  • Slumcock Anywhwere walked by an apartment building on the walkers’ trail and said, “I think I hooked up here; I remember those stairs.”  Stairs, really?  That’s what you remember?  She must not’ve been very good.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock:  Mark Twain called; he wants the Mississippi River back.
  • The hares got confused and forgot that the marathon was the past Sunday, not on trail Thursday night.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door took his name too seriously and put a back door on his footie PJs.    
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me put a cucumber on her chair and pretended not to notice when she sat on it.
  • Mannipple Lickter asked a walker to carry his jacket.  The jacket got dropped in a puddle, getting Mannipple the wettest he’s ever been.
  • Just Charlie offered to rub another guy’s body down and then added, “I’m not a homo.”  Bitch, please.
  • Just Josh stole his girlfriend’s Hooters uniform to wear to the hash.
  • Just CJ and Just Laura, having sex on trail is acceptable hash behavior, holding hands on trail is a little cheesy, but wearing matching costumes on trail is just nauseating.
  • St. Pauli Girl’s Tic Tacs were hanging out of his shorts all night.  Or were they roofies?  In the ’70s workout costume he was wearing, he might need some of those to have any chance of getting laid.  
  • Oregon Grinder finished trail on her scooter, taking auto-hashing to a new, even pussier level.
  • Jon Benet Ram Me, when dressed as Lt. Dangle, you really shouldn’t turn homophobic when another hasher asks you to frisk him.
  • WOWO tried to get a hair transplant and ended up with pubes on his face.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack intentionally went into the light to take a piss.
  • Hair Cuntery saw Tits for Tots’ costume and proclaimed, “Morning Wood–I got it!”

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock said he has never had morning wood.  His girlfriend must never have had an orgasm.
  • Tits for Tots got violated to help Twinkle take care of his problem.
  • Cocky got violated for something or other, which was really an excuse for her, Assflac, Have Fun Storming the Asshole, Cum and Knock on my Back Door, and Pee Wee’s Little Adventure to perform some sort of sketch in which the letters on their sweaters spelled out “F-U-C-K.”  
  • John 3:69 showed her “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” underpants every time she laid a walkers’ trail mark.
  • Just CJ, Just Laura, and Fat Friends in Wet Places wore banana costumes without their pjamas.

 

Then it was time for a very regular event; we had a NAMING!

Just Sharon attended University of Southern Arkansas, which may or may not be an online correspondence school.  She is now a recruiter in the Coast Guard, which is much better than her old job as a manager at McDonald’s.  When Just Sharon was in high school, her lesbian softball coach would make the team change out of their uniforms on the bus ride home so she could watch.  She has a tattoo of a four-leaf-clover.  Just Sharon is a self-proclaimed slut who likes it on top and once made out with 10 to 15 guys while on ‘shrooms at a party, and woke up with a boyfriend the next morning.  She loves to show her ass, and ran most of trail with her thong sticking out.  Finally, while kneeling on the naming mat as people asked her questions and told stories about her, Just Sharon entertained herself by playing with Cum Dumpling’s junk.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Bring on the Semen
  • Canker’s Dozen
  • Pooper-Size Me
  • Fortune Hoochie
  • Semper Depantis
  • Cock Burglar
  • Do You Want Lice With That?

and

  • Happy Ending Meal

 

The cops came right as we were taking a last few suggestions, so we had to put Just Sharon’s naming off for another week.  Keep these in mind, y’all!  

 

After we were so rudely interrupted by the fuzz, some of the pack went to the on-on-on.  It was really crowded, so about half the pack went to another bar nearby, which was less crowded but didn’t have specials.  Wherever we were, we all tried to get laid, and if you can’t succeed at that while wearing a Halloween costume, you really fail at life. 

 

Grosses baises,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3# 554 – Bethesda

Hares- Unobtainium, Obeastiologist, Bitch on Bitch on Bitch, I Manual Cunt, and Swing Cycle who may or may not be Just Vicki…oh wait…

Brew Crew- Sphincter Shy, The Udder Ho

Virgins- Just: Alex, Melanie, Steve, Brad, Nick, Michael, Sharon, Curt (really?), Vito (really?!?), Charles

Vistors- Present.

Ononon- Tommy Joes

The pack circled at a lot a few blocks away from the Bethesda Metro. It being the rave hash, thee abundance of glowstick snapping and strategic placing helped liven up the usual conversations of, “Hey, why the fcuk are we in Bethesda?”

We ran amongst playgrounds (which was surprising how many hashers were able to go within 100 feet), couples on dates eating dinner on patios, and, of course, dark trails. Apparently the hares recommended we bring headlamps, but, just like the Ballbuster, no one can really be sure- so blame your scrapes and crushed ankles on them.

At one point FRBs claimed to hear Obeastiologist giggling somewhere in the woods, laughing as they took a wrong turn. He denies this, but that’s mostly because he does not want to give away his secret of how he can hide his creepily lanky frame in the brush.

The beer check had beer. And we drank it- cautiously, as the hares warned us of a “real second half.” So by real they meant tunnels and hashers busting ass. Headlamps! Of course, no EWH3 tunnel experience is complete without the masses trying to skip it- congratulations, you know who you are! I hope humping your way under that fence was worth it.

Eventually we ended up atop a parking garage for the circle. Don’t ask me where, but I bet it was somewhere near the Bethesda Metro.

Violations: 

 

  • While running in the woods, Edgar Allan Ho exclaimed “ Oh! Last time I was here I got hit in the eye and it really hurt!” Hmm, by whom?
  • Forever Virgin gave us too much information about his morning shower on trail when he described how “it gets harder when it gets wet.”
  • Sphincter Shy ran up to me breathless, ready to violate, only to tell me that he wanted to violate “that person with the bag.”
  • Lube Me Up, Scotty was that person with the bag. Her bag weighed forty pounds and was about 4 feet long- obvious midget size, which only troubled the pack as they had to watch where they stepped the rest of the night (and no, I’m not referring to a certain “dog”).
  • Speaking of “dogs,” Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was called out for Red Dress Weekend when he played footsies with Cock-a-doodle-do-me in a hottub. Twinkle, just because you have the mustache does not mean you have to actually act like a creepy rapist.
  • Cum Dumpling, Obeastiologist, and Chicken Fucker were given a life violation for speaking about Dungeons and Dragons in a social setting. Come on guys, really?
  • Cock-a-doodle-do-me and Cock Your Suck I Will approached me at the beer check for a violation. “We’re going to violate each other,” they told me, as I walked away conscious of wearing gym shorts.
  • Unobtanium showed his lingering Daddy-issues with his Papa Roach inspired haircut. Listen buddy, just because the salon offered a free dye session does not mean you have to take it.
  • Mannipple Lickter actually knew the names of many salons for that violation, so we threw him in as well.
  • Rear Protein Injection decided to spoil the surprise and come in his Boy George Halloween costume a week early.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Seriously, I was supposed to write these down? One does come to mind though, when Hare Cuntery violated I Manual Cunt for his sweet shirt that was ribbed for her pleasure.
  • Also, I, Cum and Knock on My Back Door, was violated for impersonating Al Borland from Tool Time.
  • Roll, Over, Bitch! saw Tits for Tots by yelling out, “Hey, small Tits!”  If you know her, you know that is not a proper way to greet her. 

 

Then we had ourselves a naming! Oh wait…the cops came. Sorry Just Sharon, your time will cum again, and like most hashers, it will come quickly.

On-on,

Cum and Knock on my Back Door

EWH3 Stunt Scribe

EWH3 #550 – Grafitti Hash, Dupont Circle

Hares:  Monday Sticky Monday, Underground Railroad, Wax On Whacks Off, Tit-ka-boob

Brew Crew:  Clappy Birthday, Wank Like An Egyptian

Virgins:  Just: Pam, Jonathan, Kent, Tim, Danielle, and Josh

Visitors:  Daffy Dick (Killeen, TX H3), LOAF (Akron H3), Just Stefan (Singapore H3), Hoover Daaaaaaamn (formerly of WH4)

Analversaries:  69 hashes—Peace O’Chum, Presidential Nasty; 169—Kandy Panties

Ononon:  The Front Page

 

For the annual grafitti hash, the white t-shirt-clad pack met up in Dupont Circle and, armed with Sharpies, started writing all over each other.  There were all kinds of brilliant gems.  My favorite piece of grafitti seen on someone else was a naked, spread-eagled hermaphrodite on the back of Buttfuck Norris’ shirt.  Seriously, it had boobs and a cock.  My favorite piece of grafitti seen on me was, “You must be this tall [with a line drawn] to ride this ride.”  Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack started opening circle.  Now, I’m happy for Haystack, and I’mma let him finish, but Poop Weiner was the best GM of all time.  OF ALL TIME! 

 

We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, and into Adams Morgan.  The pack must’ve arrived at the beer check at Marie Reed early:  We beat Plan B there and had to wait for our beer.  And wait.  And wait.  And write on each other some more while we waited.  Finally, it arrived, and we put our markers down and mugs up for some glorious, glorious beer.

 

After beer check, the pack headed south, along U Street and then into the gayest part of Dupont.  EWH3 being the gayest hash ever, we were all right at home.  Not long after that, we found the on-in, in an alley, and drank beer and wrote on each other some more.  Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me, guest starring as RA, found two very tall, very ripped Justs to serve as beer bitches, and called us all to circle up.  It all went normally, until, during the analversaries, Peace O’Chum took off her pants to put on her boxers and showed us all her bike shorts, emblazoned with a man’s junk.  It’s almost like there’s a running theme here, and it’s not grafitti.      

 

Violations:

  • Ring Toss Salad showed up at the hash with a creamy, white substance around his mouth.  He claims it was toothpaste, but we all know different.
  • Cum Dumpling shaved his scrotum and glued the hair from his balls to the top of his head.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock decided he wasn’t gay enough, so he went and got a miniature poodle puppy.
  • Fuck’s Up, Doc? worked on her masters’ degree in art on everyone’s shirts.
  • Buttfuck Norris had a very detailed drawing of Lady Gaga on the back of his shirt. 
  • Just Barnaby dressed up just like his daddy.
  • Red Eye Vagina and Two Lips in the Bush stayed away from the hash for years, but they both showed up to this one, just in time to have a love-fest with each other.
  • Just Victor did a double take when asked if anyone wants sausage.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me pulled a Topher and paid the hash cash by check.
  • Duck Job showed up wearing a track suit last seen on the first season of The Sopranos.
  • Cum of a Preacher’s Hand and Ankles Away didn’t have sex on trail, for once.  They just held hands.  Cum of a Preacher’s Hand must be on the rag.
  • Ring Toss Salad left his sports bra at home.
  • An Inconvenient Poop lost her virgin.  Not her virginity, her virgin.  And she didn’t even properly deflower him!
  • Tit-Ka-Boob forgot to lay walkers’ trail up to beer check.  She had chalk, but didn’t know what to do with a long, thick stick in her hand.
  • Team Tastes Like Bad Decisions is running a 193-mile relay.  If that doesn’t taste like a bad decision, I don’t know what does.  And since whoever isn’t running at the time will be crowded into a van, it’ll smell like bad decisions too!
  • Silly Gay Virus tried to sing a song about “Johnny the Retard.”  Is that Donnie’s cousin?

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Peace O’Chum did her best Lady Gaga impression when she changed into her boxers. 
  • Tits for Tots can’t take it while running.
  • The Beer Bitches—Chicken Phucker just wanted to violate them, and he’s a heterosexual, married man!
  • Cockwork Orange  was complaining about white cream in her eye. 
  • Cum and Knock on My Back Door keeps hitting on Just Barnaby.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock loaned Just Barnaby to Cum and Knock on My Back Door and is now $50 richer.  Poor Just Barnaby is a little sore.
  • Winn Dick-Me got indignant about roast beef.  There were a bunch of other food-related innuendos too.
  • Tits for Tots got dressed up an extra large condom that was ribbed for her pleasure.
  • Please Step Away from the Whores lost all the walkers.  Doesn’t he usually just auto-hash anyway?

 

After shotgunning a few beers, we had a NAMING!

Just Victor went to University of Massachusetts-Boston, majored in sociology, and now works for REI.  He tried to convince Hooooooal! to climb the climbing wall there when she went to buy shoes, just so he could look up her skirt.  The first time he had sex, his now-wife ripped his foreskin.  Apparently, he has a really long foreskin, which he’s used as a pickup line.  His mom once walked in on him while he was getting a blow job.  Just Victor has had sex on a balcony in Mexico on his honeymoon, and in a men’s room in Nantucket.  Someone walked in on that too, and the girl involved had to jump out a window.  Just Victor has also punched a girl.  Punching ladies, making them jump out windows—wow, this guy’s a real keeper!  Just Victor is originally from Colombia.  As in the Latin American country where they make cocaine, not Columbia, SC, where they make rednecks.  Finally, he dated his English teacher when he was 16.

 

Shitty naming suggestions were:

  • Merry Bris-mas
  • More to the Point
  • Circum-schism
  • Barely Covered Wagon
  • Say Hello to my Little Friend
  • Pop-Up Escobar
  • Here’s a Tip
  • Skin to Win
  • The First Fuck is the Bleedest
  • Stall Tactic
  • Turtleneck Section
  • Former Skin
  • Inglorious Ass Turd

and

  • Cutting Class

 

The pack was struggling, but ultimately, once the teacher story was told, there was no question.  Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), Just Victor will be known as Cutting Class. 

 

We finished the beer from Plan B, went to the on-on-on, and tried to get laid. 

 

Besos,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #547 – Farragut Square

Hares:  Cocktuplets, Cunt of the Litter, El Vago Libre, Peas on my Face, Just Alex

Brew Crew:  Hungry Hungry Hungry Homo, Mannipple Lickter

Virgins:  Just: Ross, Andreas, Matt, Sean, Jackie, Rodney, Adam, Sara, Dimple, Adam, Margie, Kristin, Greg

Visitors:  Save a Tree, Ride a Cowboy (Boston H3—transplant), Sister Swallow (Baghdad H3—transplant), Breakfast Boobie Trap (Baghdad H3—transplant), Drunk Whisperer (Sir Walter Raleigh H3)

Analversaries:  Little Red Ride Me Good—200 hashes

Ononon:  Recessions

 

The pack circled up in Farragut Square, named after Admiral Farragut, who said one of my favorite quotations ever, “Damn the torpedoes.  Full steam ahead!”  Isn’t that pretty much everyone’s M.O. after last call?  We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, through a soccer field and around a playground.  The pack then threaded its way through a dark alley, where we found Peas on my Face giving out shots of Sparks.  We were all energized after that, but it didn’t last too long, as most of the route to the beer check was uphill.

 

After beer check near a replica of the Spanish Steps, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park and ran on a trail along the creek.  Fortunately, given that we weren’t warned that we might need headlamps, long socks, and the like, the trail ran alongside the water instead of going through it.  Once we exited the park, it was a short jaunt to the on-in, in another alley, where men loitering near the loading docks leered on.    

 

Violations:

  • Just Kristin tried to get away without paying her $5.  It’s a hash, not a gang bang, as much as they sometimes seem alike.  You can’t come for free!
  • Assflac really, really wanted to know how to give Cum and Knock on my Back Door’s dad a boner.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock once had a passionate one-night stand with Just Greg and gave him his favorite bandanna as a keepsake, but told Just Greg that his name was “America.”  Just Greg showed up at the hash wearing that bandanna and saying that, “America made [him] come.”
  • Just Dimple showed up at the hash pre-named.
  • Breakfast Boobie Trap pillaged homes in Baghdad and smuggled priceless antiques back to the US in her bra.
  • Mudflap complained that “it” was too big and he was getting too much head.  Why would anyone ever be unhappy about those things?
  • Snap Crackle Poop thought the shot of Sparks was a urine sample and drank it anyway.  I didn’t know he was into water sports.
  • Brokeback Mama had a stalking FAIL:  he but kept forgetting the girl’s name.  How can he possibly look her up on Facebook and HashSpace or Google her like that? 
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me pulled a Topher and paid the hash cash by check.
  • Cocktuplets had said that haring a trail was on her bucket list.  That’s weak sauce; you’ve gotta come up with something better than that.  Go jump out of a plane or something!
  • Little Red Ride Me Good, Double-Ohh Positive, Cum of a Preacher’s Hand and Ankles Away had a foursome on trail.
  • Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’ made her sister come.  Way to keep it in the family!
  • Wookin’ Pa Nub ended up leading the walkers.  There’s something very, very wrong with this picture.
  • Just Scot tried to hurdle a sign, got hit in the junk for his troubles, and gave himself a Darwin Award in the process. 
  • Peas on my Face brought her giant labia to the hash but wouldn’t let any of the boys play with them.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Michael J. Fucks brought technology on trail.  Also, she should watch out for Brokeback Mama; he’s stalking her.  Rather ineptly, but still. 
  • Hair Cuntery located end circle where there was a ghetto velvet rope for him to stand behind while stunt RA-ing.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door was talking about his dad’s boner.
  • Underground Railroad went and got herself engaged.  Congratulations on sleeping with the same person for the rest of eternity! 
  • The hares laid a walkers’ trail that was more interesting than the runners’ trail.
  • Whore Crimes wanted to have sex before going to the hash.  Edgar Allan Ho protested that they didn’t have enough time.  Whore Crimes responded, “We’ve got 4 minutes!”
  • Edgar Allan Ho—beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Assflac shouldn’t talk about how beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Hair Cuntery is the replacement for Mush Mouth on the Fat Albert Show.

 

The police came by and weren’t happy about our circle location, but said we only needed to clear the area in front of the loading dock.  We relocated to the far end of the alley and then we had a NAMING!

Just Alex was born in Russia, went to University of Oregon, and now works for the Army Material Command as a budget anal-yst.  He’s so anal, he laminated the trail maps.  He keeps asking his girlfriend, Cunt of the Litter, to do anal with him, but she keeps refusing.  Also, he likes bears.  And people wonder why EWH3 is the gayest hash around!  Just Alex lost his virginity during his junior year in high school, the same year that he went limp after being given a blow job for 20 minutes.  For all the mocking we did, maybe it was just a really bad blow job.  Like a high school girl would really know what she’s doing down there.  He once got body-slammed by a cop into a window outside a Waffle House in Texas.  Just Alex has been hospitalized for drunkenness a couple times, and has had to be tied and handcuffed to hospital beds to keep him from ripping the IV out and leaving.  Finally, he once made out with a stripper and got his wallet stolen in a cab in Las Vegas.  Now, that’s material for a sequel to The Hangover.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Hunt for Brown Cocktober
  • Fuzzy Wuzzy was Confused
  • Against the Wall and Spread ‘Em
  • Scattered, Smothered, Covered, and Nailed
  • Protected Feces
  • USSR You In?
  • Putin my Ass
  • Quit Stalin, Let’s Trotsky
  • Fluffleupagus
  • Dodge Vagina
  • Caress My Cock
  • Deep in the Butt of Texas
  • If I Were a Stiff Man

and

  • Abu Gay Ass

 

So many good names, so little time.  It was a tough call, but the pack couldn’t resist the combination of limp dicks and music theatre and eventually chose to name Just Alex If I Were a Stiff Man. 

 

The pack was way too rowdy to do a second naming, so instead, we drank more, sang “Jesus Saves,” had a beer fight and much, much later, went to the bar and tried to get laid. 

 

Beer-drenched hugs and kisses,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, Brokeback Mama, Meals on Wheels, Rusty Trombone, and 8mm.
Brew Crew: I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just John, Robin, Jill, Brett, Kate, Dwyler, Dion, Marcus and Ben
Visitors: No visitors were stupid enough to run this trail
Analversaries: Marco Homo (Brew Crew Jersey), Uncle Tom’s Stabbin (17), Have Fun Storming the Asshole (17), Rusty Trombone (17) and
A-Salt My Ass (69)
OnOnOn: The Ugly Mug

We circled up, performed the normal rituals and then the hares came into the middle to tell us how short, flat, dry and well laid this trail was.  They then proceeded to mess up our opening song “Hi, My Name is Joe.”  Apparently this song is so complicated for these hares that they can’t remember it, in spite of the fact that we sing it every week!

How the first section of trail was I can’t really say because I zenned most of it with a couple of other hashers that had spotted trail on their way to opening circle.  We picked up trail and eventually the FRBs from caught up to us and we rejoined the pack.  After running with the pack for less than a mile trail sort of just disappeared.  After some aimless wondering by the pack, the harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch!, informed us the shot check was supposed to be near the corrections center and that he was going to lead us there.  Many howls of “But that’s 14 blocks away!  Can’t you just lead us to beer check?” were heard from many members of the pack.

On our way to the corrections center not a single mark was seen… once we were there we didn’t see any shot check either.  RO,B! looked around confused claiming “Well, shot check was supposed to be here!”  While we didn’t see any shots we did find a check and proceeded to get back on trail.  Eventually we found the shot check (about a half a mile away) and the hares manning it blamed the lack of trail on some freak rain storm… I never saw any rain on trail… just sayin…

While there actually were marks to be found after the shot check, they really weren’t all that useful when it came to following the actual trail… For example at one point we were true-trailed into a BT, which you had to blow through in order to pick up trail again.  Yeah that made sense… In spite of everything most of the pack did actually make it to the beer check, although from the stories I heard I don’t think ANYONE (other than, maybe, the hares) accomplished this feat by actually following trail!

The trail from beer check to the end was less eventful. Of course I pretty much followed Presidential Nasty into the end who may or may not have actually been following trail, so what the fuck do I know?  Now onto the details:

Violations:

  • The hares were bragging about how well laid the trail was during the opening circle.  None of these hares have laid ANYTHING well in their lives, this trail was no exception!
  • Hair Cuntery wore matching shoes and shorts to the hash.  He even made up a song about it.  I’m sure he’ll have his own show on Bravo soon enough.
  • Motor Mouth jumped Hair Cuntery for screaming “white flour!” Motor had no right to be offended because, as we all know, he isn’t really black.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack got peed on by a dog at the beginning of trail.  In a completely unrelated violation Have Fun Storming the Asshole did a down-down for owning a gay dog that’s into watersports.
  • People were questioning whether Double Ohhh, Positive was really a man after he had to urinate three times on the first half of walkers trail.
  • Fecal Attraction was complaining that his ass was so sore he couldn’t sit down.  In another completely unrelated violation, FA’s girlfriend, Just Elyse, recently threw her back out and had an unlikely story about how she did it.  (Something about walking to work in sneakers…)
  • The hares decided to “lay” a choose your own adventure trail.  I use “lay” in the loosest sense of the word here…
  • Muff the Magic Dragon can’t tell if something is hard or soft.
  • Eat Your Vegetables was wearing new shoes.  I’m sure they gave his down-down that little extra something.
  • Put It Out was at Freddies last week complaining that his drink didn’t come with an umbrella, so the bartender made him a “purple pussy” (umbrella included).  No word on whether or not PIO got the bartenders phone number.

 

Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Vicki went to school at James Madison University, home of the Dukes.  She was finance major who is currently unemployed.  (Upon hearing Just Vicki’s employment status the crowd cheered.)  Her favorite farmyard animal is the rabbit and her favorite sexual position is ‘reverse wheelbarrow.’  After some discussion within the circle it was determined that reverse wheelbarrow was a lot like regular wheelbarrow except that the girl is facing the ceiling instead of the floor.

When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Vicki told us about the time she burned her ass on the dryer while having a threesome with her roommate and some guy in the laundry room.  In another story her and a guy she was with were interrupted during sex when another couple walked in naked wanting to join them.  (According to Just Vicki this other couple was turned down.)  When someone in crowd asked how often she gets propositioned for group sex, Just Vicki replied “Isn’t that just another Monday?”

Just Vicki can’t read (go JMU!) and therefore doesn’t have any favorite authors.  She had no idea what the meanest thing she had ever done was either.  We did learn that she gave her first blow job at the age of 16 and that her current roommate is sleeping with a married guy.

The crowd came up with the following nominations for Just Vicki:

  • Delecunt Cycle
  • Cunt by Numbers
  • Dry Fuck Only
  • Downy Fresh
  • Two Girls One Cycle
  • Choo Choo
  • Sit-n-Spin
  • Minage a wash
  • Poonmate Wanted
  • Burn to be Wild


The laundry theme was strong and at the end Just Vicki was christened Swing Cycle in reference to her burned ass and her apparent commitment to a non-monogamous lifestyle.  We broke circle, went to ononon, drank and tried to get laid.   Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were.

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #545 – The Jorts Association of Arlington Hash, Pentagon City

Hares:  Cum and Knock on my Back Door, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Silly Gay Virus, Put It Out (aka Father Time)

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Marco Homo

Virgins:  Just: Adrian, Amanda B, Amanda J, Chris, David, Derek, Heidi, Jacob, Jamie, Jason, Jennifer F, Jennifer T, Jillian, Kelly, Laura, Mai, Megan, Melinda, Michael, Partin, Tony, Trevor, William

Visitors:  Tiger Woody (Azerbaijan H3), Beaker Stroker, Just Timothy Silly

Analversaries:  Dyke Tyson—69 hashes

Ononon:  Tortoise and Hare

The pack gathered in a field just past Pentagon City Mall, after getting in on the pickup soccer games going on.  We were all supposed to wear jorts, but since someone didn’t mention in the trail news that there was a theme, pretty much the only people wearing jorts were the hares, so they looked even gayer than usual.  We proceeded on a long, circuitous route through Arlington.  I would tell you about the trail, but I can’t tell you.  That part of Arlington around Pentagon City, Crystal City, and points slightly south all looks the same to me—too many gray office buildings with high walls.  It was basically, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, and so on.  That is, until we came right back to Pentagon City Mall, and had to go through it and come out the other side.  Some people may have gone in through the Metro or the Nordstrom entrance, but a few of us decided to run through the Ritz-Carlton.  All the miles of running on and through hot, grey concrete were worth it just to feel that sweet, sweet air conditioning in the hotel and mall, and to see the looks on the hotel guests’ faces as we thundered by.  Scaring rich people is my favorite hobby, don’t ya know.  Not long after that, we found ourselves at the first beer check, in a secluded grassy area.

 We took off rather quickly, ran up and down some hills, until we got to the base of a long, steep hill, which most people would normally walk up.  However, there was a pretty good incentive to run:  Jello shots.  And no wimpy vodka jello shots on this trail; nope, these jello shots were made with bourbon.  Tasty, tasty bourbon.  WIN.  All liquored up, we made our way to a big house in South Arlington, home of three of the hares, where we had yet another beer check.  This beer check didn’t just have beer—it had a slip ‘n’ slide.   Best. Trail. Ever.  (Well, best trail that doesn’t involve Marion Barry, anyway.)  After many many turns on the slip ‘n’ slide, the pack, soaking wet and covered in baby oil, headed back north towards Crystal City, past 395, and to the on-in, under some railroad tracks to drink again, some more. 

 Violations:

  • Roll Over, Bitch! forgot to mention the jorts theme, thus missing an opportunity to ogle dozens harriettes in Daisy Dukes.  You’re doing it wrong.
  • The hares only took a 10-minute head start because they wanted to get their pants pulled down.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock was wearing a pair of jorts made from what I’m pretty sure is the exact same pair of Guess? jeans that I had when I was in 8th grade.  In his case, it means Guess which gender he is, when you look at him from behind.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler and Dr. Boner were both wearing new drinking vessels.  Pittsburgh Kneeler’s were so new, she bought them en route to trail.
  • While some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, Kandy Panties wore his sleeve on his head.
  • Doesn’t Pull Out and I Manual Cunt 69’d each other on the slip ‘n’ slide.  No wonder EWH3 is the gayest hash ever.
  • Michael J. Fucks refused to do Jello shots on the grounds that they’re “not [her] style.”  Come on, you know you can find your inner sorwhority girl.
  • Double Ohh Positive was talking religion and politics on trail: While most people wouldn’t turn down oral in the Oval Office, he’d prefer Oral Roberts.
  • Gaystation took the red shot and exclaimed, “This tatsts like my Dad!”  Incest is best, it’s a game the whole family can play!
  • Just Stephanie complained that she got too much head.  How can there possibly be such a thing?
  • Just Brittany tried to auto-hash by humping the hood of a van.  You’re doing it wrong, but at least you’re doing it entertainingly.
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places stole Unobtainium’s shirt.  Isn’t it cute when couples wear each other’s clothing?
  • Piss on Me lost his bitch to a walker.  Sometimes, ladies like when guys move slow.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training continued her training by eating Cunt of the Litter’s cream.

 Violations from the Crowd:

  • CLIT only got to second base on the slip ‘n’ slide.
  • Motormouth tried to get some harriettes to grab onto his “branch” while going through shiggy.  Sorry, dude, you’re not black enough to convincingly pull that off.
  • Assflac complained that Wax On, Whacks Off hadn’t brought enough women into opening circle for “Hi, My Name Is Joe.”  WOWO pulled him in, resulting in a circle that may not have been filled with women but was filled with bitched
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure got kicked out of a beer garden in Germany for wearing the poor man’s lederhosen. 
  • Tits for Tots “saved the best for herself.”  Well, OF COURSE I do.  There are a lot of attractive harriettes out there. A girl’s gotta hold her own somehow.
  • Edgar Allan Ho didn’t want to get wet.
  • To the contrary, she did want to get wet, just not by Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock.
  • Whore Crimes must not be doing his job, if Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock has to offer to get Edgar Allan Ho wet.
  • Peace O’Chum  was all raceist and ran the Pike’s Peak Marathon.
  • Ass Spelunker  was a different kind of raceist; he won the Beer Mile.

Then we had a NAMING!

Just Kate hails from Oakland, CA, and attended Georgetown University, where she studied Middle East history.  She currently raises funds for the American Geophysical Foundation, but is about to start a new job as an administrative contractor at the Pentagon.  Just Kate lost her virginity at age 16 in her bedroom, to her high school boyfriend.  She has since had sex in a yellow Volkswagen Beetle with a flower on the dashboard, been caught shagging by US Park Police, who told her then-paramour to “give her four walls and a roof,” and turned multiple boyfriends gay.  Just Kate likes it rough, and her favorite position is something called, “ankles to ears.”  She is currently dating Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, so expect him to come out of the closet imminently.

 Someone suggested “High Noon,” which didn’t receive all that enthusiastic of a reception, but then another wanker nominated Ankles Away, and the crowd went so wild, we didn’t need to hear any more.  Game over!

That naming went so quickly that we were going to name another Just, but he’d disappeared, so we went to the on-on-on, drank more beer, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid… which, come to think of it, may not go so well with karaoke. 

On-slip-n-slide-on,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Semen on the Pew, Jeffe Lengua, Low Pressure Front and General’s Farm Animal
Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Homo and Red Vag of Courage
Virgins: Just Rob, John, Jerad,Christie, Tina, Liz, Mike and Craig
Visitors: Red Pussy Lover (Haiti) and Helm Me I’m Wet (St. Louise)
Analversaries: None
OnOnOn: Lee’s Restaurant, Bar and Liquor

What can I say about this trail?  It was way the f*ck out there and about a mile of trail was through a stream bed (true).  The hares totally knew what they were doing and no one got lost because trail was so well laid (false).

It pretty long ago so I don’t remember many specifics. (Yeah, yeah I’m way behind on writing my trash, screw you!)  The one thing I do remember is Low Pressure Front (one of the hares) asking me to scout around one block to see if that’s where the end circle was… the hare not knowing where the end is a sure sign of well planned trail!

Violations:

  • Beat All You Can Beat just got back from Afghanistan and was sporting a big bushy beard.  He was violated for “going native” while deployed.
  • Cock Your Suck I Will can’t seem to stay off of her knees on trail.
  • The Hares were violated for laying a trail so bad that even Cock-a-doodle Do Me would rather suck a cock than run it again.
  • Cum Dumpling got tagged in the ass (err sting by a bee) on trail and needed his brother CoXXX On Demand to check to see if he had a bloody asshole.
  • Just Kristie didn’t want to get wet on trail but when she finally did realized that she kind of liked it.
  • Late Night Drive Through had a GPS on trail but forgot to use it when she got lost.
  • Cock Your Suck I will had to go back into the woods to find some emergency cash that she had stuffed in her bras and dropped.  With the amount of cash she had was a grand total of $2.  It’s hard to imagine what sort of jam $2 would get you out of…
  • The Hares were violated for laying a trail that made you bleed more than a virgin getting finger banged while at the same time making you itch like you’ve been with a 50 year old whore.
  • 3 Ring Cervix confused EWH3 with OTH and showed up 45 minutes late for trail.
  • General’s Farm Animal Fell down in the water, as a hare he should have been more aware of the hazards.

Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Kam went to Salisbury University (home of the Seagulls)  where she studied nursing.  When asked if she liked the band ‘Flock of Seagulls’ I believe that Just Kam replied, yes. Just Kam works as, shocker, a nurse… in fucking Pennsylvania!

Just Kam’s favorite farm animal is a cow and her favorite sexual position is any one where her legs are up.  When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Kam talked about her brother in law and neigbor trying, unsuccessfully, to be peeping toms.  Since the crowd wasn’t sure why this was embarrassing for Just Kam we asked her for another embarrassing sex story.  For try number two she relayed a story about being asleep at the foot of a bed being awoken by the bed slamming her in the face because another couple was having sex in it.

She claimed that she had been laid within the past month.  She also admitted to faking orgasms in the past.  When asked for the most interesting place she’s had sex she replied in a Camry or a Volkswagen on Douglass street, which strikes me as both uninteresting and strangely specific.  She denied ever having anal sex.  Apparently whether she spits or swallows “depends.”  She had been given a pearl necklace before.

Story: Once for a college Public Health class Just Kam had to go to a prison to teach sex ed.  During her one of her tours of the prison she caught one of the prisoners masturbating to her.

Then Just Kam was asked a very dumb question that, amazingly, produced an interesting answer.  Q: Who was the stupidest guy you had ever had sex with? A: This guy with the nickname ‘Biscuit.’  Oh and it turned out that ‘Biscuit’ was the guy that took her virginity.

Armed with the info the crowd came up with the following names for Just Kam:

  • Jail House Cock
  • Drop the Soup
  • Prison Jerk
  • Limp Biscuit
  • Biscuits & Gravy
  • Blood Sausage and Biscuits
  • Conjugal Biscuit
  • Pillsbury Maulboy
  • Biscuits and Teabags
  • Muffin Top

Finally the name Cockin Fresh Dough was thrown out there and the crowd (and our RA) approved.  So now Just Kam has a proper hash name, welcome to the club Cockin Fressh Dough!

Then we had a VERY special occasion… a SECOND naming! (We actually don’t do this every week!)

Just Masi went to the naval academy and is still in the Navy.  Where he works in IT.  His favorite sexual position is doggy style.  His most embarrassing sexual story was getting caught having sex on a park bench by the police.  The cops put the spot light on them but they kept going.  After the Po PP actually high-fived him.  (Which makes the story more cool than embarrassing but whatever…)

When his friend was asked for a story about Just Masi she just asked him to show the crowd his tongue, which was very long.  The harriets were very impressed and flurry of naming suggestions ensued.

  • Black from the Neck UP
  • Black Simmons
  • OJ Simmons (at this point I feel like I should tell you that Just Masi is a black man)
  • Naval Deep
  • Gene Simmons
  • Lick James, Bitch!

Finally we settled on Lick James, Bitch! and so at EWH3 and throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, fuck them) Just Masi will be known as Lick James, Bitch!

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe