EWH3 #575 – A Winter’s Tail Trail, Mt Vernon Square-Convention Center

HaresJedi Boob TriXXX, Clean Clam, Pinnochiho, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, Saskatchewsnatch

Brew Crew:  Incredible Edible Schmegg, Just Barney

Virgin:  Just:  Andrew, Jenny, Kara, Danielle

Visitors:  Hot Banana (Atlanta H3)

Analversaries:  69–Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Red Vag of Courage

Ononon:  Kelly’s Irish Times

 

Trail started off on a confusing note:  Despite putting out a trail news writeup cribbed from the works of William Shakespeare, the hares were dressed not like Shakespearean characters, but like bunnies.  As amusing as it may be to see “King Lear” done entirely in rodent, the one guy who dressed in costume was not amused.  In keeping with the bunny costumes, the hares seemed to confuse the hash with an Easter egg hunt–that’s about how hard the flour was to find during the first half of trail.  The pack circled through Chinatown from a few different directions, losing and finding trail again, until we got to a shot check that tasted like Goldschlager.  Or cinammon schnapps.  Or mouthwash.  After that, trail was short and sweet until we saw a “BN” marked on the ground, and then ran another 3/4 miles to get to the actual beer.  

With beer jackets on, the pack took off for the second half of trail.  It was pretty short, and involved going through a bunch of parking lots before getting to the on-in, on a parking deck.  We were all supposed to go over a fence that was only about thigh-high on the near side but then was about a 10-foot jump down to get to the beer at the finish, and most wankers did jump it, but a few of us wimpy, I mean, smart, hashers, found a way to run around the fence to get in.

 

Violations:

  • Fucks Up, Doc? can’t resist the creamy white stuff.  Take a number, boys.

 

  • Casanada brought his lack of game back to his homeland.  Not that homeland, the other homeland.
  • Eat Your Vegetables complained about how his ass was sore after his ski trip.  He should’ve brought lube.
  • Just Puck, I mean Six Fags, was the only person to fall for the theme.  It’d have been better if he’d put an ass’s head on top of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock and then enchanted Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me to fall in love with him or something.
  • Just Brennan, Stud Finder, and Just Jess were dressed as raceist triplets.  I’m pretty sure there’s a porn about that, but save it for after trail, ok? 
  • Little Red Ride Me Good promised to keep her mouth shut, because she’s good at it.  We all know that’s a lie.
  • Cum Dumpling is growing his hair out to donate to Locks of Love: The Merkin Collection.
  • S & M.O.M. was worried that people would forget his nerd name once he got a hash name, so he wore it on his shirt.
  • Twinkle paid $70 for a haircut and spa treatment, including oatmeal bath, for Jizzmo, which is more than he spends on his girlfriend.
  • Leggs Over Easy can’t stop tonguing the hole.  Oh, wait, that’s acceptable hash behavior.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails tried to warm his hands by sticking them down I’m Lick James, Bitch’s pants.  Given that I’m Lick James, Bitch! has been getting a lot of male attention at the hash these last couple weeks, I’m not sure which one of them to violate.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Cocky chooses her bitches for reasons having nothing to do with their skill level.
  • Chicken Phucker looked more like a penis than Rear Protein Injection for once.
  • RPI once got pity sex because he looks like a chemotherapy patient.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! never gets even pity sex.
  • Cocky thought the last guy she was with couldn’t get it up because he was undergoing chemo.
  • R.O,B! was practicing a double flip olly without a skateboard.
  • Brokeback Mama knows what a double flip olly is.
  • Buttfuck Norris kept blaming his explosive farts on his dog.
  • Cum of a Preacher’s Hand got engaged.  Why buy the cow when the sex is free?
  • Presidential Nasty complains about not having a girlfriend but then puts up Gchat status messages like, “Researching and writing about anal pus.”  And you wonder whey he’s single?
  • R.O,B!–last time someone got laid in cargo pants, it was in ‘Nam.
  • Twinkle taught Jizzmo to roll over and spread his legs.  And yet he claims he’s not trying to make his dog be a dude magnet.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING! 

Just Nikki, as we learned last time she was up for naming, is from Remington, Washington.  She went to George Mason to major in biology.  She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm.  She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias.  That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere.  She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip on a boat, with the boat engineer, got drunk, and told her professor about it.  Wild!  Just Nikki works at a sperm bank.  The first time she hashed, she threw up in her purse and then called an ex-boyfriend to give her a ride home.  Just Nikki dropped this prince of a guy to date I Manual Cunt.  Yeah, really.  The first time they had sex, it was on the floor of a friend’s living room after a night out at a gay club, which simultaneously confirms and refutes a lot of people’s suspicions about I Manual Cunt.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Count Fuckula
  • Twatson and Prick
  • A 3-Hour Whore
  • *spitting noise* (I don’t know how to spell it)
  • Zygote in my Boat

and

  • Survival of the Spittest

 

We’re all nerds, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing, except Great Falls (fuck them!), Just Nikki shall be known as Survival of the Spittest.

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  The pack finished the beer in Plan B, went to the Times, drank Guinness, listened to the musical stylings of Pete Papageorge, who was playing there back when I was first in DC a long long time ago, and tried to get laid.

 

Give us your hands, if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #573 – New Year’s Eve Anti-Resolution Hash, Clarendon

Hares:  Chip ‘n’ Fails, Muff the Magic Dragon, St. Pauli Girl, Big Dig, Eat Your Vegetables

Brew Crew:  Snap Crackle Poop, Incredible Edible Schmegg

Virgin:  Just Tony

Visitors:  Wreath Around, Blue Balls Pedophile (Crystal Coast, NC, H3), Fair Game, Gutter Balls.
Ononon:  Hard Times

Happy New Year!  Everyone bust out your party hats…. and put something shiny on your head.  The pack met up right outside the Clarendon Metro, and tried to stay dry in the chilly rain.  Not wanting to get all kinds of sweaty that early in the evening, I opted to walk.  Walkers’ trail would have been short, except Veggies apparently didn’t know how to read a map.  As it was, we ended up following part of the runners’ trail and got to first a shot check, with shots of hot spiked cider (yummmm) the relocated beer check (the cops were sitting and waiting for us at the original planned beer check location, in the parking garage over 395) in a parking lot in Ballston after the runners had already left.  

 

After quickly downing a beer, we left for the long walk back to end circle at Chip ‘N’ Fails’ house, on the other side of the Clarendon Metro.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I autohashed; I had work to do before end circle started.  Note to self, when in doubt, RUN.

Violations:

  • Silver Spooge inadvertentyrevealed a deep secret about himself when he said something about “my dad and her sister.”  Spoogey has two mommies!!  

 

  • The hares, because they had to continue in the tradition of laying a horribly long trail around New Year’s.
  • Please Step Away from the Whores couldn’t get anyone to follow him even with the promise of beer.
  • Herpicles broke a parking garage barrier trying to hump it.
  • Cum Dumpling wanted everyone to check out his tender rectum.  Ehh, I think I’ll pass. 
  • Fair Game went running on Christmas Day.  Not hashing, just running.  That makes the Baby Jesus cry.  
  • Coin Operated said she needs a stick up the middle.  I’m sure there are lots of harriers who’d be willing to help with that.
  • Snatch to the Future complained about how wet she was, showing that her priorities are clearly out of whack.
  • Pinocchi-ho contracted an STD in his earlobe, which bled all over his face.
  • Tony Panda suggested that Pinocchi-ho go see “Twilight” and pick up some 10-year-olds by showing them his bloody ear wound.
  • Just David lost his virgin but not his virginity.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails didn’t take advantage of Just David’s lost virgin.
  • Bobbin’ for Butt Plugs said that he’s not nearly as picky as Chip ‘N’ Fails.  He then went on to say something about how it’s not gay if you’re on top, even if htey push back.  I don’t know, I’m still wrapping my mind around someone calling Chip ‘N’ Fails picky.  
  • Herpicles said that everyone looks the same in the dark, proving that he is even less picky than Bobbin’ For Butt Plugs.  Well, he did try to shag a parking garage barrier.
  • Private Snowball exhibited chivalry on trail.  That’s unacceptable hash behavior.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock called his hat a helmet, because he was getting nostalgic for his old days of riding the short bus.
  • Fuxedo somehow got Shamrock Your Cock’s tongue stuck to his face.
  • Just Tony missed his turn and tried to make an announcement during violations.  Virgins should be seen and not heard.
  • Tits for Tots is technologically challenged.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!  Actually, it being New Year’s Eve, I suppose that made it special.

Just David is a government contractor who works with Chip ‘N’ Fails  and dates Muff the Magic Dragon.  She says he’s very good at eating pussy.  Just David attended Nebraska State University; I think the mascot is the Cornholer.  His favorite Disney movie is Fantasia.  What’s he smoking, and can I have some?  When he was 17, he was getting a blow job in a parking garage around Christmas time, and a family with kids was parked in the adjacent car.  The parents got out of their car, knocked on Just David’s window, and asked them to stop. He once took a girlfriend on a ski trip, and even though she contracted high-altitude pulmonary edema, he left her to go skiing.  Just David also plays soccer, and his skills on the pitch are such that his teammates nicknamed him “Pixie.”

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Donald Suck
  • Fan-Taste-Ya
  • Girl, Interrupted
  • Feliz Nobby Job
  • Walt Jizz-me

and

  • Pixie Dicks

In the spirit of the holiday season, the pack decided to call Just David Feliz Nobby Job.  He even gets his own song now:

Feliz Nobby Job!

Feliz Nobby Job!

Feliz Nobby Job!

Feliz Nobby Job!

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my balls! 

 

After that, some of the the pack went to the bar, some went to New Year’s Eve parties, and all drank more, welcomed the new year, kissed a bunch of people at midnight, and tried to get laid.

Happy 2010,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #570: 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash – Thursday, December, 17, 2009

 

Start: Pentagon City!

 

Hares: CoXXX on Demand, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, PoPo Disco, Put It Out & Mystery Hare

 

Virginis: Just Sarah (who is NOT single), Just JP, and Just Erin

 

OnOnOn: Tortise & Hare (though most of us know that’s code-name for Freddie’s)

 

If you were a small child at Pentagon Row on Thursday evening, you were treated to far more Christmas thrills than mere ice-skating.  What’s that around the corner?  Could that be one of Santa’s elves?  My is he old!  And, look, a reindeer!  OMFG it’s Santa!  But then some other, naughtier types showed- scantily clad, saying things you only heard when you walked in on Mommy and Daddy “wrestling”- and then the booze came out, and then your parents were rushing you to the car…

Yes, it was the 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash, and my was it festive!  The pack gathered at the Pentagon Row to sign in, drink spiked hot chocolate, and rummage through a variety of Santa hats.  Because Put It Out was a hare, the trail of course ran in circles throughout the South Arlington area- up parking and down parking garages, through shops, past confused and amused people.  Because it was EWH3 and anything but a perfectly straight trail, we got lost multiple times.  What fun!

 

There was a hot cider shot check atop one parking garage, and a beer check in a lot by Costco.  There was also a scribe at both checks, so come on people, speak up!  From the check the trail looped down to the Crystal City Shops- a barren wasteland of consumer products- seriously, one of the saddest malls I’ve seen, and I was recently at Landmark.  We meandered through the underground (heh) and then dashed up 23rd, past the OnOnOn to a parking lot for the end circle.

 

Violations:

 

Put It Out was able to reconcile his Peter Pan fetish with the Christmas theme by way of his green tights.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock instructed a lady looking for a pink Santa hat to go see the horny guy- very helpful description- it’s EHW3 that’s like directing her to go find the white guy.

 

Big Bendover gave us this night’s round of “What Was He Talking About?” Overheard snippet of conversation “…it’s always better after a douche…”

 

Mayonnaise on the Pooper expressed how she is unemployed, having to plan someone else’s wedding, and looking to get drunk- HINT guys, this one’s desperate!

 

Cum Dumpling just had to go and give the runners a few minutes warning before sending them off from the beer check…

 

Just Andy enjoyed all the “ins & outs” of the trail- of course he was referring to the tunnels, because we all know he wasn’t getting any.

 

Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me, Mayonnaise on the Pooper, and Underground Railroad are so old (how old are they?!) that they were getting nostalgic about the GRE.

 

Pee Wee’s Little Adventure and Big Dig received that night’s inappropriate Christmas-themed pick-up line: Big Dig asked and Santa-suited Pee Wee if she could be Santa, to which he replied, “No, but Santa can be inside of you.”  Class, class, class.

 

Oops, I Blew Him Again has sworn off driving since every time she gets behind the wheel a naked penis winds up erect in her car.

 

Roll Over, Bitch! Was dying to change his pink Santa hat to a red one because it “matched his sweater better,” confirming his preoccupation with color coordination over getting laid (or possibly preparing for Freddie’s?)

 

ChippenFails was overheard saying “Oh man, assholes.  There’s nothing better than smelly assholes!” on trail- enough said.

 

Violations from the Crowd: happened, but this scribe’s hearing was impaired by alcohol.

 

And then there was a naming!  Or wait, an attempted naming!  Seriously, I am three for three with failed namings, from cops to throw backs.  So what happened this week?  Well, Just Nikki is from Remington, Washington.  She went to George Mason to major in biology.  She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm.  She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias.  That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere.  She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip, got drunk, and told her professor about it.  Wild!

 

Some suggestions:

 

P-P-P-Poker Face

Cherry Poppin’ Ten Miler

Remington Steel

Prefontaine Ejaculation

16 Love Handles

Fetus Bueller

Small Hands on Deck

Cream Me Up Scottie

Pursuing Her Cocktorate

Magnum Cum Loud

 

As you can see, we were really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, and so decided to throw Just Nikki back.  I appropriately told her to take this night to get very drunk, make some bad decisions, and have some better material for next time.  I wonder if she did…she sure didn’t take my hint and see me at the bar…

 

Of course the OnOnOn, both T&H and Freddie’s consisted of much karaoke, beer, appletinis, and ass-slapping.

 

-Cum & Knock On My Back Door

 

EWH3 #568 – The Birthday Hash, Union Station

Hares:  JAGQueen, Holy Tit!, Whistles while he Wanks, Watch Her Blow, Jiffy Lube, Nipple-less Cage, Transparent Ds, Monkey Piss, Peeking Duck

Brew Crew:  Cum Dumpling, Mannipple Lickter

Virgins:  Just Max, Andie, Robin, Quentin, Jill, Mary, and Jocelyn

Visitors:  They were all smart and stayed the hell away from this trail.
Analversaries:  17 runs–Wee Willy Wanker, Slamda Slamda Slamda, Meat the Press, Whose Dick Is It Anyway?; 69 runs–Snap Crackle Poop; 100 runs–Red Vag of Courage

Ononon:  My Brother’s Place

The hash was just like I like my men:  really, really long, and 10 years old.  Happy birthday, EWH3!  After circling up in front of Union Station, the pack took off, heading in the general direction of the mall.  We were all a little confused, because Holy Tit! was laying flour at the start as we ran along with him.  Eventually, we made it to the Mall, ran out to the Washington Monument and back, and after about four miles, ended up FINALLY having our beer check under a freeway (I don’t have a car, I don’t know which one–395 maybe).  Rumor has it that there was supposed to be a shot check on the first half of trail, but no one saw it.

The second half of trail was shorter than the first half, but, unfortunately not short enough.  At the beginning of it, I asked Dumb Blonde how long second half of trail would be, because his wife was haring.  His response was, “I don’t know; she’s at the bar.”  He obviously married a very smart woman.  About 6 miles later, we finally ended up in an alley behind the on-on-on.  The pack circled up, and before the regular violations, Rear Protein Injection came out for some violations of his own, since it was his last week scribing ever.  However, instead of actually violating anyone, he went off on a furious rant that had me wondering whether he was on steroids or possessed by Bloody Asshole.  Yup, kids, this is your new GM.

Violations:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock picked up a guy at a bar to “play skeeball” with.  So that’s what the kids are calling it these days!

 

  • JAG Queen started EWH3 in order to get laid.  How’d that work out for him?  Ten years later, he lives with a man and has a small dog with a pink leash.
  • Blows a Tranny is even harder up than his roommate, JAG Queen.  He’s so lonely, he entered into an open relationship with his car.
  • Floral Sex complained that “it squeaks when it gets too wet.”  Honey, there’s no such thing as too wet. 
  • Late Nite Drive Thru wore a GPS watch on the walkers’ trail. 
  • Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner carried something little with a prick on the end on trail…. and a small piece of chalk.
  • The hares couldn’t remember how to lay trail after 10 years.  They do say the memory is the first thing to go.  It should be noted that they were not around to drink for this violation; they’d gone to the bar to get the early bird special and then went to bed.
  • Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler.  Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”
  • Mellow Foreskin Cheese got chased and yelled at by the police for jaywalking.  What, the cops didn’t have anything better to do?
  • Just Max wore a neon yellow jacket, because the 149 other runners around him didn’t make him feel safe enough.
  • Speaking of not feeling safe enough, Slumcock Anywhere decided condoms were insufficient and wrapped himself up in crime scene tape.
  • Rear Protein Injection was overheard saying, “It’s too tight to fit it in,” which is the first time anyone’s ever heard him say that.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made Just Barnaby do tricks to impress guys.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack saw Slumcock Anywhere’s photos of models and said, “They’re not that hot.”  Um, beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Whoooooooores Closing had sore knees, not from trail, but from the night before.
  • Pee Wee’s Little Adventure watched the Victoria’s Secret lingerie show while lifting weights.  Shouldn’t he have been doing something else with his hands?

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots put on high heels after the hash, which upgraded her from “midget” to “little person.”
  • General’s Farm Animal tried to hail a cop car.  Just because it has lights on it, doesn’t mean it’s a cab.
  • Felon DeGeneres never chokes on it.  That’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior!
  • Hair Cuntery thinks he’s the Ginger Baron.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler didn’t need to wear her Ragnar Relay shirt to the hash; we already know that she tastes like bad decisions.
  • Cum and Knock on My Back Door and Big Bend Over’s gay marriage was legalized.  Congrats to the happy couple, and it’s about damn time!
  • I Manual Cunt  didn’t recognize the Tour de Chug jersey.  Newbie!
  • Wax On, Whacks Off got a chubby when JAG Queen dropped trou.
  • Bone, Bone on the Range got engaged.  Congratulations on deciding to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life!
  • RPI:  Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock  wanted to violate you, but he was afraid to make you angry again.
  • Gaystation actually picked up girls on trail who were older than 14.
  • RPI, angry bald guys stopped getting laid when Seinfeld went off the air.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock tried to use Just Barnaby to pick up girls, but instead only picked up I Manual Cunt.

Then it was time for a very special occasion, a DUAL NAMING!

Just Josh and Just Jeremy grew up and went to high school together in Michigan and then joined the Navy, which they’ve both since gotten out of.  Just Josh pitches, and Just Jeremy catches.  When they were 16, they and their girlfriends all had sex on the same bed.  Just Josh wanted to touch Just Jeremy’s then-girlfriend’s boobs, and Just Jeremy was OK with that, but the girlfriend wouldn’t let him.  Just Josh likes llamas and reverse cowgirl, whereas Just Jeremy prefers goats and doggy style.  Just Jeremy got walked in on by his then-girlfriend’s dad while they and another chick were having a threesome in a hot tub.  They kept going, of course.  In contrast, Just Josh got walked in on by his friends while beating off to some of the 80G of porn that he has on his hard drive.  Just Josh was also complaining loudly on trail about how he really wanted a blow job; he’s about to ship out to Afghanistan, and his girlfriend has been out of town for a long time.  Girlfriend, what girlfriend?  I’m sure lots of harriettes would’ve been happy to oblige.

Naming suggestions for Just Josh were:

  • Explosive Cum Disposal
  • Thomas the Wank Engine
  • Chick-Chick-Chick Boom
  • Sprinkler System

and

  • Dick-Dick-Dick Boom

Naming suggestions for Just Jeremy were:

  • Long Odds

and

  • Remote Detonation

Finally, someone remembered that this was a dual naming, and thus Just Josh and Just Jeremy became, respectively, I’ll Paca  and And I’ll Push Back.

Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, went to the bar and tried to get laid.   Except for the hares, who were all out of Viagra.

So long and thanks for all the fish,

Tits for Tots

Outgoing and Incumming EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #559 – Thanksgiving Hash, Rosslyn

Hares:  Areola Borealis, Purple Peter Eater, Saskatchewsnatch, Please Step Away from the Whores

Virgins:  Just Frances

Visitors:  Lez Crafter (Arizona)
Analversaries:  169 runs–Big Bend Over; 200 runs–Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow

Ononon:  None–everything was closet

 

The pack gathered on top of the parking deck above the Continental.  A few foolish, I mean, brave, souls actually ran trail, which was short, confusing due to there still being hash marks from two weeks ago on the ground, and redolent of Wild Turkey.  Most everyone did the smart, er, lazy, thing, and stayed on top of the parking deck, drank beer and Wild Turkey, and made fun of the runners.  After all, trail was so short that they probably only burned off the caloric equivalent of a spoonful of stuffing.  Either way, a good time was had by all.  

 

Violations:

  • Low Pressure Front went and got a puppy that’s even smaller and poofier than Just Barnaby.

 

  • Saskatchewsnatch interrupted Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow’s morning dump for no good reason.
  • Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow told me all about his morning dump.  TMI, dude.
  • Silver Spooge forgot that Seinfeld had been off the air for a whole decade and wore his puffy shirt to the hash.
  • Just Bobby gave Purple Peter Eater a new piercing.  If he’d wanted one of those, he’d have gone to the mall.   
  • Big Bend Over prefers it on him–you could tell by looking at his shirt.
  • Any Given Cumday told me a story about BBO’s butt hole, because apparently it was “Overshare with Tits” week.
  • Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler.  Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Any Given Cumday said she likes to motorboat girls, but didn’t motorboat Edgar Allan Ho.  What a tease!
  • Motormouth was quiet for 30 minutes straight.
  • Queerly I’m Straight and Peter, Peter, Manhole Eater both wore shiny new drinking  vessels to the hash.
  • Low Pressure Front named his puppy after male genitalia, which makes Just Tama totally gayer than Just Barnaby.
  • Shamrock Your Cock was sober enough to know that “tama” means “ball” in Japanese.
  • Finally, we had a round for all the Thanksigving babies present:  Silver Spooge, Purple Peter Eater, Can’t Get Beaver, and 3-Ring Cervix.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Jason is from Kansas City, went to a bunch of Catholic schools, and eventually majored in psychology, philosophy, and theology at university.  He now bartends at Tunnicliff’s, and is there anyone who did not see that coming?  He applied for a job at Remington’s, but was rejected.  Just Jason’s favorite sexual position is “reverse butterfly,” which involves holding one’s partner in the air and shagging him or her from behind, while he or she wraps her legs around you.  We really need a photo to do it justice, but I’m sure hash flash has that covered.  He has a tattoo of his family crest going into a Celtic cross.  Just Jason once got his nose broken during sex and bled all over the poor girl.  He has also gotten it on in a cornfield, and on a roller coaster called the “Zambezi Zinger.”  Finally, he once peed in his then-girlfriend’s dirty clothes hamper.  Hey, at least there weren’t clean clothes in there!  

 

Naming suggestions were:

  • Less rape, more willing
  • Bloody Fairy

and

  • Six Fags

 

The crowd went wild over Six Fags, so that’s what we’ll be calling him from now on.

Since we still had beer, we decided to have another NAMING!

Just Jolie is from Texas and went to Mary Washington University, where she majored in political science.  Apparently, there are a lot of lesbians there, because when she met Saskatchewsnatch in a dorm, the first words out of her mouth were, “Are you a lesbian?”  She is now a stockbroker at Merrill Lynch.  So that’s where all our money went!  Just Jolie has dreams about giving head and likes oral and spooning sex, but no anal.  She has a bunch of reiki tattoos.  Just Jolie has had group sex with one guy and three girls, and has kissed a lot of gay men.  She was once blowing a guy who asked her to bite down on his cock, and kept asking her to bite harder, until her teeth were almost touching.  At that point, she got skeeved out, and stopped with the biting.  That guy’s junk thanks him to this day.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Anything Butt
  • Thanks For Giving
  • Lorena Chomp It
  • Count Dickula

and

  • She Knows Dick

 

It was a bit of a close call, but henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Jolie will be known as Lorena Chomp It.

 

Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, until it was time to drag our drunk asses to Thanksgiving dinner with family or friends. 

 

Much love,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3# 557: The Marine Corps Birthday Hash- Rosslyn
Hares:
Sphincter Shy, Rambutt, All the Way In, She Fingered Me, Gladiator, Hair Cuntery
Virgins: Just Derrick, Allie Ross, Megan, Joe, Johnny Sheridan, Nick, Tara- apparently some thought this was a more formal event deserving of their full names…
OnOnOn: Rhodeside Grill

The rain beat down that Thursday as hashers strewn throughout the DC metro anxiously glanced out the windows at their real-people-work-spaces. “Will it break?” some thought. “Will I get my chance to run, drink, and strike out with numerous women?” (not speaking from personal experience, of course)

There was no rain as the few, the proud, the hashers gathered in the park-ish area by Key Bridge (although some did come dressed in entirely too much Gore-tex…you know who you are). The trail was, as promised, long and it required headlamps, something the pack learned early on as we were taken over to Roosevelt Island for an early shot-check. After delicious shots (I think) we headed over the bridge and into the city. Tour groups and hare-trickery were everywhere as we ran through the monuments. Reliable sources say that Forever Virgin was the only hasher to take Hair Cuntery’s Washington Monument bait. Hilarity ensued and the pack reached the beer check by Memorial Bridge.

Beer drank, run on. We crossed back into VA by means of Memorial. As we ran past Arlington cemetery towards the Iwo Jima Memorial (who’d have guessed?!) some shockingly handsome FRBs caught the hares! They were totally slow and- oh wait, no, they were helping a man who had run off the road. It turns out we weren’t the only ones drinking and moving fast that night, only we chose to drink and run, not drink and drive. Too soon? I hope he’s OK….

As the ambulance came Cock-a-Doodle-do Me and Nobody Puts Labia in a Corner grabbed the flour and helped finish the trail. After rubbernecking, the pack hit another shot-check and then ran to a parking lot in Rosslyn for circle.

Violations:

  • Obeastiologist forced us to play a round of “What Was He Talking About?” Overheard conversation snippet: “Sometimes I get lucky and get it in the first time, but other times it takes a couple of jabs at it.” You be the judge.
  • Sphincter Shy was violated for the second shot check, because after having that, the pack now knows what felching Hair Cuntery tastes like.
  • I Manual Cunt of course got it because he knew exactly what felching is. Look it up, I feel dirty typing it.
  • Red Vag of Courage complained that no one wanted to play with her as she ran across the highway. Look, there are “games” we’ll play with you, but real-life Frogger isn’t one of them.
  • Double Ohhh Positive and Jedi Boob Tricks had anal in the backseat of a cab without asking anyone and without care for the smell it left in that confined area.
  • Kandy Panties and ChippenFails had a good time sword playing on trail…a real good time.
  • Put It Out wore a neon green jacket with “The Best of Times” stitched onto the left breast. Just because you’re a contemporary of Dickens doesn’t mean you have to advertise it.

 


From the Crowd:
Just Some-Random-Guy-Behind-the-Wheel was violated for giving Sphincter Shy and Hair Cuntery their get-laid story of the year.
Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me wasn’t getting enough attention so of course she had to hare the finish.
I Manual Cunt really wanted to see aforementioned sword fight.
ChippenFails f*cked up the circle, which wasn’t so bad since it was the only f*cking he was going to do that night.
Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner got violated for being bad at violating.
Just Brennen said she came to the hash “to meet new people,” but all we heard was “get laid.”
The hares were violated because 75% of them were not EWH3.

No naming, since Officer Tackleberry broke up the circle. Is it me or is police interference becoming extremely common?

***Insert witty phrase here***
-Cum and Knock on My Back Door

EWH3 #556 – East Falls Church

Hares:  Assflac, St Pauli Girl, Have Fun Storming the Asshole, Kung Fu Hand Grip

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Predickamint

Virgins:  Just Katie, Nicole, Michelle, Brendan, Greg, Stan, Ralph, Amy

Visitors:  None were stupid enough to come out to schlep all the way out to Falls Church
Analversaries:  100 runs–Mannipple Lickter, French Toasted

Ononon:  Clare & Don’s

 

The pack gathered in a parking lot off the Custis trail, all of us asking why on earth we were way, way, out in Falls Church.  There were a lot of virgins, especially for being out in BFE in cold weather.  I don’t know much about the runners’ trail–coming off a bout of swine flu or something, I walked so as to preserve my voice and my health–but the walkers’ trail didn’t have a hare, a map, or any marks until we got all the way back to the metro.  At this point, some people had decided to zen into beer check, some of us followed the actual trail, and some stayed right by the beer van.  Good move, because beer check was right by where we started.  About half of the runners came in from the opposite direction than the hares expected, but hey, as long as you find the beer, it’s all good.  

 

The second half started off well-marked, taking us through various residential neighborhoods of Falls Church. (Though, really, is any part of Falls Church NOT a residential neighborhood?  Yes, Tranny, I know, I’m an urban hipster douchebag.)  A bunch of us lost the trail though, and split up:  Some took a gravel path through a park where it looked like the runners had been before, while the rest of us, fearing shiggy zenned to Washington Boulevard, found more runners’ trail marks, followed them around some unnecessary loops, and ended up in a parking lot behind a doctor’s office, long after everyone else had gotten in and circle had already started.  The moral of the story?  Damn, I miss running.          

 

Violations:

  • Little Red Ride Me Good did the “stand by Plan B and keep drinking all first half” trail, which you may say is acceptable hash behavior, but I say is bogarting beer.

 

  • If I Were a Stiff Man was drinking flavored coffee creamer from 7-11 straight, no chaser.  He just really missed having white, creamy stuff in his mouth.
  • Gaystation wore a ladies’ shirt to the hash, but sadly he hadn’t gotten it from shagging with a lady.  Nice try, but there’s no way you’re convincing us you’ve ever done that.
  • Just Stan:  Apparently, Jesus can go hashing!
  • Just Phil lost a used kleenex when it fell out of his shorts at opening circle.  Was he trying to stuff them, or was it just evidence that he planned to spend the night with his right hand?    
  • Eat Your Vegetables complained about thorns on the runners’ trail, despite the face that he should be used to handling a little prick by now.
  • Bolo Head Rat was very late for trail, because he’d had his baby with him, lost her in the woods, and looked around for her for a while before giving up and leaving her to be raised by wolves.
  • 8 millimeters brought 3 virgins and gave them one flashlight to share, the batteries of which died during the first half of trail. It was their first time; he should’ve been gentle with them!
  • Cock Your Suck I Will was complaining about how it was a week later and she still had a sore ass.  Honey, it’s called lube.
  • Silly Gay Virus shared his plans to put his engineering skills to use by making a Hannah Montana fleshlight.  That’s not creepy.  No, not at all.
  • Wax On, Whacks Off:  Colonel Pickett called, he wants the battle of Gettysburg back.  
  • Oregon Grinder finished trail on her scooter, taking auto-hashing to a new, even pussier level.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door tied a string between his wrist and his cock in order to convince a girl that he was capable of getting it up.  This probably goes without saying, but it didn’t fool her for a second.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Pee Wee’s Little Adventure and Silly Gay Virus helped Cum and Knock on my Back Door attach the aforementioned string.  Because it takes 3 guys to do that.
  • Assflac, despite having a PhD, can’t tell the difference between left and right.
  • Just Barney, who is apparently an actual human hasher, not to be confused with Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock’s poofter dog Just Barnaby, ran a race with a beer sticker attached to his shoe–he kept that and threw his timing chip away.  He is so smart! S-M-R-T! 
  • Cunt of the Litter was playing with her iPhone on trail.  There’s not an app to make it love you back, you know.
  • Speaking of iPhones, Obeastiologist asked if the iPod has a vibrator attachment.  Get with the times, someone invented that years ago.
  • Mayo on the Pooper’s boyfriend dumped her because she has amazing drafting skills, but her blow job skills, not so much.
  • WOWO got a reverse Brazilian done on his face.  

 

Then it was time for our third attempt at a NAMING!

As we said last week and the week before, Just Sharon attended University of Southern Arkansas, which may or may not be an online correspondence school, and where she majored in marketing.  She is now a recruiter in the Coast Guard, which is much better than her old job as a manager at McDonald’s.  When Just Sharon was in high school, her lesbian softball coach would make the team change out of their uniforms on the bus ride home so she could watch.  She has a tattoo of a four-leaf-clover.  Just Sharon is a self-proclaimed slut who likes it on top and once made out with 10 to 15 guys while on ‘shrooms at a party, and woke up with a boyfriend the next morning.  She loves to show her ass, and ran most of trail with her thong sticking out.  Finally, while kneeling on the naming mat as people asked her questions and told stories about her, Just Sharon entertained herself by playing with Cum Dumpling’s junk.  We learned this week that she likes mules, cowgirl is her favorite sexual position, she’s a spitter, and she still likes Cum Dumpling’s package.  

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Pork Fried Rice
  • Canker’s Dozen
  • Hong Kong Ptooey!
  • Fortune Coochie
  • Brue Balls
  • Shanghai Express
  • Sesame See Buns

and

  • Happy Ending Meal

 

The third time turned out to be the charm, and Just Sharon got named Hong Kong Ptooey!  This is best said making a spitting gesture on the last word.

Since we had fallen a bit behind, the cops were mercifully absent, and we still had beer, we decided to have another NAMING!

Just Kelsey attended University of Indiana and managed to graduate without being choked or having chairs thrown at her.  She majored in English, journalism, and exercise science, and now works at a lobbying firm, the Pederasty, I mean, The Podesta Group.  She likes sheep because they’re furry, and she prefers to be on top of them while having sex.  One night when Just Kelsey was in college, she blew two guys and didn’t remember it at all.  She was later told that people were cheering her on the first one, and she threw up on the second guy’s cock.  She once gave Just David a ride home from the hash, and when she got to his place to drop him off, he whipped his dick out and asked her, “This thing between us, is it just physical?”  She turned him down, as she has a longtime boyfriend, but methinks that kid will have all kinds of good material when it’s time for him to get named.  But I digress:   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Am-on-your-knees-ia
  • Betty Whored
  • Can I Have A Ride Home?
  • The World According To Gulp
  • Oops, I Blew Him Again
  • Target of Opportunity

and

  • Back Seat Driver

 

The literary wankers lost out to the bubblegum-pop-loving wankers, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Kelsey will be known as Oops, I Blew Him Again.

 

Two namings done, we drank more beer, sang songs, went to the bar, and tried to get laid and/or belliggerent with taxi dispatchers. 

 

Besos,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #555 – Halloween Hash, Foggy Bottom

Hares:  Presidential Nasty, Pittsburgh Kneeler, C.L.I.T., Tar Squeal, John 3:69

Brew Crew:  Marco Homo, Wank Like an Egyptian

Virgin:  Just Carrie, Alina, Cllie, Christian, Sarah, Etiola, Chris, Zach, Susan, Laura, Lauren, Charlie, Noah, and Devin

Visitors:  Just Liz (Brooklyn H3)

Ononon:  Science Club

 

What’s even better than going to parties dressed up in scary, wacky, and/or sexy costumes?  Running through DC in scary, wacky, and/or sexy costumes, terrorizing all the yuppies leaving their offices!  The pack met up in Washington Circle to do just that, and after a bit of checking out all the costumes–almost no one got that I was dressed as mo(u)rning wood without a ton of prompting–we were off.  We ran through neighborhoods in Foggy Bottom and West End before heading into Rock Creek Park, sneaking into an old cemetery, climbing up a steep, muddy slippery hill, and, finally, reaching the first shot check, something lemony.  I needed it too, having learned the hard way that running through shiggy is even harder when you’re carrying some of said shiggy with you.  After more running through the park, the pack hit the second shot check, located in a gazebo, and involving orange pop.  Yeah, I said “pop.”  I’m from Michigan.  Deal.  We then emerged in Georgetown and ran through campus, including on some stairways and paths connecting undergrad dorms.  By this point, we’d run about 4 miles, so when I saw some guys carrying cases of beer to their room, I was very, very tempted to forget about beer check and make some new friends right then and there.  I stayed with the pack instead, though, and followed trail down the Exorcist stairs, across M Street and the C & O Canal to beer check where K Street turns into the Capitol Crescent Trail.  Next time, boys.  

 

The pack drank much-needed beer and admired each other’s costumes some more before we got sent off, with the walkers taking a 5-minute head start.  They needed it too, because the runners’ trail was pretty much a straight shot through Georgetown and Foggy Bottom to an alley downtown behind the bar, where we drank beer and ogled and/or mocked all the costumes again, some more.          

 

Violations:

  • Hair Cuntery said he found a hairy rope and put it in his shorts when asked about his costume.  Isn’t that what he does every night?
  • Slumcock Anywhwere walked by an apartment building on the walkers’ trail and said, “I think I hooked up here; I remember those stairs.”  Stairs, really?  That’s what you remember?  She must not’ve been very good.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock:  Mark Twain called; he wants the Mississippi River back.
  • The hares got confused and forgot that the marathon was the past Sunday, not on trail Thursday night.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door took his name too seriously and put a back door on his footie PJs.    
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me put a cucumber on her chair and pretended not to notice when she sat on it.
  • Mannipple Lickter asked a walker to carry his jacket.  The jacket got dropped in a puddle, getting Mannipple the wettest he’s ever been.
  • Just Charlie offered to rub another guy’s body down and then added, “I’m not a homo.”  Bitch, please.
  • Just Josh stole his girlfriend’s Hooters uniform to wear to the hash.
  • Just CJ and Just Laura, having sex on trail is acceptable hash behavior, holding hands on trail is a little cheesy, but wearing matching costumes on trail is just nauseating.
  • St. Pauli Girl’s Tic Tacs were hanging out of his shorts all night.  Or were they roofies?  In the ’70s workout costume he was wearing, he might need some of those to have any chance of getting laid.  
  • Oregon Grinder finished trail on her scooter, taking auto-hashing to a new, even pussier level.
  • Jon Benet Ram Me, when dressed as Lt. Dangle, you really shouldn’t turn homophobic when another hasher asks you to frisk him.
  • WOWO tried to get a hair transplant and ended up with pubes on his face.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack intentionally went into the light to take a piss.
  • Hair Cuntery saw Tits for Tots’ costume and proclaimed, “Morning Wood–I got it!”

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock said he has never had morning wood.  His girlfriend must never have had an orgasm.
  • Tits for Tots got violated to help Twinkle take care of his problem.
  • Cocky got violated for something or other, which was really an excuse for her, Assflac, Have Fun Storming the Asshole, Cum and Knock on my Back Door, and Pee Wee’s Little Adventure to perform some sort of sketch in which the letters on their sweaters spelled out “F-U-C-K.”  
  • John 3:69 showed her “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” underpants every time she laid a walkers’ trail mark.
  • Just CJ, Just Laura, and Fat Friends in Wet Places wore banana costumes without their pjamas.

 

Then it was time for a very regular event; we had a NAMING!

Just Sharon attended University of Southern Arkansas, which may or may not be an online correspondence school.  She is now a recruiter in the Coast Guard, which is much better than her old job as a manager at McDonald’s.  When Just Sharon was in high school, her lesbian softball coach would make the team change out of their uniforms on the bus ride home so she could watch.  She has a tattoo of a four-leaf-clover.  Just Sharon is a self-proclaimed slut who likes it on top and once made out with 10 to 15 guys while on ‘shrooms at a party, and woke up with a boyfriend the next morning.  She loves to show her ass, and ran most of trail with her thong sticking out.  Finally, while kneeling on the naming mat as people asked her questions and told stories about her, Just Sharon entertained herself by playing with Cum Dumpling’s junk.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Bring on the Semen
  • Canker’s Dozen
  • Pooper-Size Me
  • Fortune Hoochie
  • Semper Depantis
  • Cock Burglar
  • Do You Want Lice With That?

and

  • Happy Ending Meal

 

The cops came right as we were taking a last few suggestions, so we had to put Just Sharon’s naming off for another week.  Keep these in mind, y’all!  

 

After we were so rudely interrupted by the fuzz, some of the pack went to the on-on-on.  It was really crowded, so about half the pack went to another bar nearby, which was less crowded but didn’t have specials.  Wherever we were, we all tried to get laid, and if you can’t succeed at that while wearing a Halloween costume, you really fail at life. 

 

Grosses baises,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3# 554 – Bethesda

Hares- Unobtainium, Obeastiologist, Bitch on Bitch on Bitch, I Manual Cunt, and Swing Cycle who may or may not be Just Vicki…oh wait…

Brew Crew- Sphincter Shy, The Udder Ho

Virgins- Just: Alex, Melanie, Steve, Brad, Nick, Michael, Sharon, Curt (really?), Vito (really?!?), Charles

Vistors- Present.

Ononon- Tommy Joes

The pack circled at a lot a few blocks away from the Bethesda Metro. It being the rave hash, thee abundance of glowstick snapping and strategic placing helped liven up the usual conversations of, “Hey, why the fcuk are we in Bethesda?”

We ran amongst playgrounds (which was surprising how many hashers were able to go within 100 feet), couples on dates eating dinner on patios, and, of course, dark trails. Apparently the hares recommended we bring headlamps, but, just like the Ballbuster, no one can really be sure- so blame your scrapes and crushed ankles on them.

At one point FRBs claimed to hear Obeastiologist giggling somewhere in the woods, laughing as they took a wrong turn. He denies this, but that’s mostly because he does not want to give away his secret of how he can hide his creepily lanky frame in the brush.

The beer check had beer. And we drank it- cautiously, as the hares warned us of a “real second half.” So by real they meant tunnels and hashers busting ass. Headlamps! Of course, no EWH3 tunnel experience is complete without the masses trying to skip it- congratulations, you know who you are! I hope humping your way under that fence was worth it.

Eventually we ended up atop a parking garage for the circle. Don’t ask me where, but I bet it was somewhere near the Bethesda Metro.

Violations: 

 

  • While running in the woods, Edgar Allan Ho exclaimed “ Oh! Last time I was here I got hit in the eye and it really hurt!” Hmm, by whom?
  • Forever Virgin gave us too much information about his morning shower on trail when he described how “it gets harder when it gets wet.”
  • Sphincter Shy ran up to me breathless, ready to violate, only to tell me that he wanted to violate “that person with the bag.”
  • Lube Me Up, Scotty was that person with the bag. Her bag weighed forty pounds and was about 4 feet long- obvious midget size, which only troubled the pack as they had to watch where they stepped the rest of the night (and no, I’m not referring to a certain “dog”).
  • Speaking of “dogs,” Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was called out for Red Dress Weekend when he played footsies with Cock-a-doodle-do-me in a hottub. Twinkle, just because you have the mustache does not mean you have to actually act like a creepy rapist.
  • Cum Dumpling, Obeastiologist, and Chicken Fucker were given a life violation for speaking about Dungeons and Dragons in a social setting. Come on guys, really?
  • Cock-a-doodle-do-me and Cock Your Suck I Will approached me at the beer check for a violation. “We’re going to violate each other,” they told me, as I walked away conscious of wearing gym shorts.
  • Unobtanium showed his lingering Daddy-issues with his Papa Roach inspired haircut. Listen buddy, just because the salon offered a free dye session does not mean you have to take it.
  • Mannipple Lickter actually knew the names of many salons for that violation, so we threw him in as well.
  • Rear Protein Injection decided to spoil the surprise and come in his Boy George Halloween costume a week early.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Seriously, I was supposed to write these down? One does come to mind though, when Hare Cuntery violated I Manual Cunt for his sweet shirt that was ribbed for her pleasure.
  • Also, I, Cum and Knock on My Back Door, was violated for impersonating Al Borland from Tool Time.
  • Roll, Over, Bitch! saw Tits for Tots by yelling out, “Hey, small Tits!”  If you know her, you know that is not a proper way to greet her. 

 

Then we had ourselves a naming! Oh wait…the cops came. Sorry Just Sharon, your time will cum again, and like most hashers, it will come quickly.

On-on,

Cum and Knock on my Back Door

EWH3 Stunt Scribe

EWH3 #550 – Grafitti Hash, Dupont Circle

Hares:  Monday Sticky Monday, Underground Railroad, Wax On Whacks Off, Tit-ka-boob

Brew Crew:  Clappy Birthday, Wank Like An Egyptian

Virgins:  Just: Pam, Jonathan, Kent, Tim, Danielle, and Josh

Visitors:  Daffy Dick (Killeen, TX H3), LOAF (Akron H3), Just Stefan (Singapore H3), Hoover Daaaaaaamn (formerly of WH4)

Analversaries:  69 hashes—Peace O’Chum, Presidential Nasty; 169—Kandy Panties

Ononon:  The Front Page

 

For the annual grafitti hash, the white t-shirt-clad pack met up in Dupont Circle and, armed with Sharpies, started writing all over each other.  There were all kinds of brilliant gems.  My favorite piece of grafitti seen on someone else was a naked, spread-eagled hermaphrodite on the back of Buttfuck Norris’ shirt.  Seriously, it had boobs and a cock.  My favorite piece of grafitti seen on me was, “You must be this tall [with a line drawn] to ride this ride.”  Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack started opening circle.  Now, I’m happy for Haystack, and I’mma let him finish, but Poop Weiner was the best GM of all time.  OF ALL TIME! 

 

We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, and into Adams Morgan.  The pack must’ve arrived at the beer check at Marie Reed early:  We beat Plan B there and had to wait for our beer.  And wait.  And wait.  And write on each other some more while we waited.  Finally, it arrived, and we put our markers down and mugs up for some glorious, glorious beer.

 

After beer check, the pack headed south, along U Street and then into the gayest part of Dupont.  EWH3 being the gayest hash ever, we were all right at home.  Not long after that, we found the on-in, in an alley, and drank beer and wrote on each other some more.  Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me, guest starring as RA, found two very tall, very ripped Justs to serve as beer bitches, and called us all to circle up.  It all went normally, until, during the analversaries, Peace O’Chum took off her pants to put on her boxers and showed us all her bike shorts, emblazoned with a man’s junk.  It’s almost like there’s a running theme here, and it’s not grafitti.      

 

Violations:

  • Ring Toss Salad showed up at the hash with a creamy, white substance around his mouth.  He claims it was toothpaste, but we all know different.
  • Cum Dumpling shaved his scrotum and glued the hair from his balls to the top of his head.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock decided he wasn’t gay enough, so he went and got a miniature poodle puppy.
  • Fuck’s Up, Doc? worked on her masters’ degree in art on everyone’s shirts.
  • Buttfuck Norris had a very detailed drawing of Lady Gaga on the back of his shirt. 
  • Just Barnaby dressed up just like his daddy.
  • Red Eye Vagina and Two Lips in the Bush stayed away from the hash for years, but they both showed up to this one, just in time to have a love-fest with each other.
  • Just Victor did a double take when asked if anyone wants sausage.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me pulled a Topher and paid the hash cash by check.
  • Duck Job showed up wearing a track suit last seen on the first season of The Sopranos.
  • Cum of a Preacher’s Hand and Ankles Away didn’t have sex on trail, for once.  They just held hands.  Cum of a Preacher’s Hand must be on the rag.
  • Ring Toss Salad left his sports bra at home.
  • An Inconvenient Poop lost her virgin.  Not her virginity, her virgin.  And she didn’t even properly deflower him!
  • Tit-Ka-Boob forgot to lay walkers’ trail up to beer check.  She had chalk, but didn’t know what to do with a long, thick stick in her hand.
  • Team Tastes Like Bad Decisions is running a 193-mile relay.  If that doesn’t taste like a bad decision, I don’t know what does.  And since whoever isn’t running at the time will be crowded into a van, it’ll smell like bad decisions too!
  • Silly Gay Virus tried to sing a song about “Johnny the Retard.”  Is that Donnie’s cousin?

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Peace O’Chum did her best Lady Gaga impression when she changed into her boxers. 
  • Tits for Tots can’t take it while running.
  • The Beer Bitches—Chicken Phucker just wanted to violate them, and he’s a heterosexual, married man!
  • Cockwork Orange  was complaining about white cream in her eye. 
  • Cum and Knock on My Back Door keeps hitting on Just Barnaby.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock loaned Just Barnaby to Cum and Knock on My Back Door and is now $50 richer.  Poor Just Barnaby is a little sore.
  • Winn Dick-Me got indignant about roast beef.  There were a bunch of other food-related innuendos too.
  • Tits for Tots got dressed up an extra large condom that was ribbed for her pleasure.
  • Please Step Away from the Whores lost all the walkers.  Doesn’t he usually just auto-hash anyway?

 

After shotgunning a few beers, we had a NAMING!

Just Victor went to University of Massachusetts-Boston, majored in sociology, and now works for REI.  He tried to convince Hooooooal! to climb the climbing wall there when she went to buy shoes, just so he could look up her skirt.  The first time he had sex, his now-wife ripped his foreskin.  Apparently, he has a really long foreskin, which he’s used as a pickup line.  His mom once walked in on him while he was getting a blow job.  Just Victor has had sex on a balcony in Mexico on his honeymoon, and in a men’s room in Nantucket.  Someone walked in on that too, and the girl involved had to jump out a window.  Just Victor has also punched a girl.  Punching ladies, making them jump out windows—wow, this guy’s a real keeper!  Just Victor is originally from Colombia.  As in the Latin American country where they make cocaine, not Columbia, SC, where they make rednecks.  Finally, he dated his English teacher when he was 16.

 

Shitty naming suggestions were:

  • Merry Bris-mas
  • More to the Point
  • Circum-schism
  • Barely Covered Wagon
  • Say Hello to my Little Friend
  • Pop-Up Escobar
  • Here’s a Tip
  • Skin to Win
  • The First Fuck is the Bleedest
  • Stall Tactic
  • Turtleneck Section
  • Former Skin
  • Inglorious Ass Turd

and

  • Cutting Class

 

The pack was struggling, but ultimately, once the teacher story was told, there was no question.  Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), Just Victor will be known as Cutting Class. 

 

We finished the beer from Plan B, went to the on-on-on, and tried to get laid. 

 

Besos,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe