EWH3 #547 – Farragut Square

Hares:  Cocktuplets, Cunt of the Litter, El Vago Libre, Peas on my Face, Just Alex

Brew Crew:  Hungry Hungry Hungry Homo, Mannipple Lickter

Virgins:  Just: Ross, Andreas, Matt, Sean, Jackie, Rodney, Adam, Sara, Dimple, Adam, Margie, Kristin, Greg

Visitors:  Save a Tree, Ride a Cowboy (Boston H3—transplant), Sister Swallow (Baghdad H3—transplant), Breakfast Boobie Trap (Baghdad H3—transplant), Drunk Whisperer (Sir Walter Raleigh H3)

Analversaries:  Little Red Ride Me Good—200 hashes

Ononon:  Recessions

 

The pack circled up in Farragut Square, named after Admiral Farragut, who said one of my favorite quotations ever, “Damn the torpedoes.  Full steam ahead!”  Isn’t that pretty much everyone’s M.O. after last call?  We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, through a soccer field and around a playground.  The pack then threaded its way through a dark alley, where we found Peas on my Face giving out shots of Sparks.  We were all energized after that, but it didn’t last too long, as most of the route to the beer check was uphill.

 

After beer check near a replica of the Spanish Steps, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park and ran on a trail along the creek.  Fortunately, given that we weren’t warned that we might need headlamps, long socks, and the like, the trail ran alongside the water instead of going through it.  Once we exited the park, it was a short jaunt to the on-in, in another alley, where men loitering near the loading docks leered on.    

 

Violations:

  • Just Kristin tried to get away without paying her $5.  It’s a hash, not a gang bang, as much as they sometimes seem alike.  You can’t come for free!
  • Assflac really, really wanted to know how to give Cum and Knock on my Back Door’s dad a boner.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock once had a passionate one-night stand with Just Greg and gave him his favorite bandanna as a keepsake, but told Just Greg that his name was “America.”  Just Greg showed up at the hash wearing that bandanna and saying that, “America made [him] come.”
  • Just Dimple showed up at the hash pre-named.
  • Breakfast Boobie Trap pillaged homes in Baghdad and smuggled priceless antiques back to the US in her bra.
  • Mudflap complained that “it” was too big and he was getting too much head.  Why would anyone ever be unhappy about those things?
  • Snap Crackle Poop thought the shot of Sparks was a urine sample and drank it anyway.  I didn’t know he was into water sports.
  • Brokeback Mama had a stalking FAIL:  he but kept forgetting the girl’s name.  How can he possibly look her up on Facebook and HashSpace or Google her like that? 
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me pulled a Topher and paid the hash cash by check.
  • Cocktuplets had said that haring a trail was on her bucket list.  That’s weak sauce; you’ve gotta come up with something better than that.  Go jump out of a plane or something!
  • Little Red Ride Me Good, Double-Ohh Positive, Cum of a Preacher’s Hand and Ankles Away had a foursome on trail.
  • Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’ made her sister come.  Way to keep it in the family!
  • Wookin’ Pa Nub ended up leading the walkers.  There’s something very, very wrong with this picture.
  • Just Scot tried to hurdle a sign, got hit in the junk for his troubles, and gave himself a Darwin Award in the process. 
  • Peas on my Face brought her giant labia to the hash but wouldn’t let any of the boys play with them.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Michael J. Fucks brought technology on trail.  Also, she should watch out for Brokeback Mama; he’s stalking her.  Rather ineptly, but still. 
  • Hair Cuntery located end circle where there was a ghetto velvet rope for him to stand behind while stunt RA-ing.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door was talking about his dad’s boner.
  • Underground Railroad went and got herself engaged.  Congratulations on sleeping with the same person for the rest of eternity! 
  • The hares laid a walkers’ trail that was more interesting than the runners’ trail.
  • Whore Crimes wanted to have sex before going to the hash.  Edgar Allan Ho protested that they didn’t have enough time.  Whore Crimes responded, “We’ve got 4 minutes!”
  • Edgar Allan Ho—beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Assflac shouldn’t talk about how beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Hair Cuntery is the replacement for Mush Mouth on the Fat Albert Show.

 

The police came by and weren’t happy about our circle location, but said we only needed to clear the area in front of the loading dock.  We relocated to the far end of the alley and then we had a NAMING!

Just Alex was born in Russia, went to University of Oregon, and now works for the Army Material Command as a budget anal-yst.  He’s so anal, he laminated the trail maps.  He keeps asking his girlfriend, Cunt of the Litter, to do anal with him, but she keeps refusing.  Also, he likes bears.  And people wonder why EWH3 is the gayest hash around!  Just Alex lost his virginity during his junior year in high school, the same year that he went limp after being given a blow job for 20 minutes.  For all the mocking we did, maybe it was just a really bad blow job.  Like a high school girl would really know what she’s doing down there.  He once got body-slammed by a cop into a window outside a Waffle House in Texas.  Just Alex has been hospitalized for drunkenness a couple times, and has had to be tied and handcuffed to hospital beds to keep him from ripping the IV out and leaving.  Finally, he once made out with a stripper and got his wallet stolen in a cab in Las Vegas.  Now, that’s material for a sequel to The Hangover.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Hunt for Brown Cocktober
  • Fuzzy Wuzzy was Confused
  • Against the Wall and Spread ‘Em
  • Scattered, Smothered, Covered, and Nailed
  • Protected Feces
  • USSR You In?
  • Putin my Ass
  • Quit Stalin, Let’s Trotsky
  • Fluffleupagus
  • Dodge Vagina
  • Caress My Cock
  • Deep in the Butt of Texas
  • If I Were a Stiff Man

and

  • Abu Gay Ass

 

So many good names, so little time.  It was a tough call, but the pack couldn’t resist the combination of limp dicks and music theatre and eventually chose to name Just Alex If I Were a Stiff Man. 

 

The pack was way too rowdy to do a second naming, so instead, we drank more, sang “Jesus Saves,” had a beer fight and much, much later, went to the bar and tried to get laid. 

 

Beer-drenched hugs and kisses,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, Brokeback Mama, Meals on Wheels, Rusty Trombone, and 8mm.
Brew Crew: I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just John, Robin, Jill, Brett, Kate, Dwyler, Dion, Marcus and Ben
Visitors: No visitors were stupid enough to run this trail
Analversaries: Marco Homo (Brew Crew Jersey), Uncle Tom’s Stabbin (17), Have Fun Storming the Asshole (17), Rusty Trombone (17) and
A-Salt My Ass (69)
OnOnOn: The Ugly Mug

We circled up, performed the normal rituals and then the hares came into the middle to tell us how short, flat, dry and well laid this trail was.  They then proceeded to mess up our opening song “Hi, My Name is Joe.”  Apparently this song is so complicated for these hares that they can’t remember it, in spite of the fact that we sing it every week!

How the first section of trail was I can’t really say because I zenned most of it with a couple of other hashers that had spotted trail on their way to opening circle.  We picked up trail and eventually the FRBs from caught up to us and we rejoined the pack.  After running with the pack for less than a mile trail sort of just disappeared.  After some aimless wondering by the pack, the harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch!, informed us the shot check was supposed to be near the corrections center and that he was going to lead us there.  Many howls of “But that’s 14 blocks away!  Can’t you just lead us to beer check?” were heard from many members of the pack.

On our way to the corrections center not a single mark was seen… once we were there we didn’t see any shot check either.  RO,B! looked around confused claiming “Well, shot check was supposed to be here!”  While we didn’t see any shots we did find a check and proceeded to get back on trail.  Eventually we found the shot check (about a half a mile away) and the hares manning it blamed the lack of trail on some freak rain storm… I never saw any rain on trail… just sayin…

While there actually were marks to be found after the shot check, they really weren’t all that useful when it came to following the actual trail… For example at one point we were true-trailed into a BT, which you had to blow through in order to pick up trail again.  Yeah that made sense… In spite of everything most of the pack did actually make it to the beer check, although from the stories I heard I don’t think ANYONE (other than, maybe, the hares) accomplished this feat by actually following trail!

The trail from beer check to the end was less eventful. Of course I pretty much followed Presidential Nasty into the end who may or may not have actually been following trail, so what the fuck do I know?  Now onto the details:

Violations:

  • The hares were bragging about how well laid the trail was during the opening circle.  None of these hares have laid ANYTHING well in their lives, this trail was no exception!
  • Hair Cuntery wore matching shoes and shorts to the hash.  He even made up a song about it.  I’m sure he’ll have his own show on Bravo soon enough.
  • Motor Mouth jumped Hair Cuntery for screaming “white flour!” Motor had no right to be offended because, as we all know, he isn’t really black.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack got peed on by a dog at the beginning of trail.  In a completely unrelated violation Have Fun Storming the Asshole did a down-down for owning a gay dog that’s into watersports.
  • People were questioning whether Double Ohhh, Positive was really a man after he had to urinate three times on the first half of walkers trail.
  • Fecal Attraction was complaining that his ass was so sore he couldn’t sit down.  In another completely unrelated violation, FA’s girlfriend, Just Elyse, recently threw her back out and had an unlikely story about how she did it.  (Something about walking to work in sneakers…)
  • The hares decided to “lay” a choose your own adventure trail.  I use “lay” in the loosest sense of the word here…
  • Muff the Magic Dragon can’t tell if something is hard or soft.
  • Eat Your Vegetables was wearing new shoes.  I’m sure they gave his down-down that little extra something.
  • Put It Out was at Freddies last week complaining that his drink didn’t come with an umbrella, so the bartender made him a “purple pussy” (umbrella included).  No word on whether or not PIO got the bartenders phone number.

 

Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Vicki went to school at James Madison University, home of the Dukes.  She was finance major who is currently unemployed.  (Upon hearing Just Vicki’s employment status the crowd cheered.)  Her favorite farmyard animal is the rabbit and her favorite sexual position is ‘reverse wheelbarrow.’  After some discussion within the circle it was determined that reverse wheelbarrow was a lot like regular wheelbarrow except that the girl is facing the ceiling instead of the floor.

When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Vicki told us about the time she burned her ass on the dryer while having a threesome with her roommate and some guy in the laundry room.  In another story her and a guy she was with were interrupted during sex when another couple walked in naked wanting to join them.  (According to Just Vicki this other couple was turned down.)  When someone in crowd asked how often she gets propositioned for group sex, Just Vicki replied “Isn’t that just another Monday?”

Just Vicki can’t read (go JMU!) and therefore doesn’t have any favorite authors.  She had no idea what the meanest thing she had ever done was either.  We did learn that she gave her first blow job at the age of 16 and that her current roommate is sleeping with a married guy.

The crowd came up with the following nominations for Just Vicki:

  • Delecunt Cycle
  • Cunt by Numbers
  • Dry Fuck Only
  • Downy Fresh
  • Two Girls One Cycle
  • Choo Choo
  • Sit-n-Spin
  • Minage a wash
  • Poonmate Wanted
  • Burn to be Wild


The laundry theme was strong and at the end Just Vicki was christened Swing Cycle in reference to her burned ass and her apparent commitment to a non-monogamous lifestyle.  We broke circle, went to ononon, drank and tried to get laid.   Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were.

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #545 – The Jorts Association of Arlington Hash, Pentagon City

Hares:  Cum and Knock on my Back Door, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Silly Gay Virus, Put It Out (aka Father Time)

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Marco Homo

Virgins:  Just: Adrian, Amanda B, Amanda J, Chris, David, Derek, Heidi, Jacob, Jamie, Jason, Jennifer F, Jennifer T, Jillian, Kelly, Laura, Mai, Megan, Melinda, Michael, Partin, Tony, Trevor, William

Visitors:  Tiger Woody (Azerbaijan H3), Beaker Stroker, Just Timothy Silly

Analversaries:  Dyke Tyson—69 hashes

Ononon:  Tortoise and Hare

The pack gathered in a field just past Pentagon City Mall, after getting in on the pickup soccer games going on.  We were all supposed to wear jorts, but since someone didn’t mention in the trail news that there was a theme, pretty much the only people wearing jorts were the hares, so they looked even gayer than usual.  We proceeded on a long, circuitous route through Arlington.  I would tell you about the trail, but I can’t tell you.  That part of Arlington around Pentagon City, Crystal City, and points slightly south all looks the same to me—too many gray office buildings with high walls.  It was basically, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, and so on.  That is, until we came right back to Pentagon City Mall, and had to go through it and come out the other side.  Some people may have gone in through the Metro or the Nordstrom entrance, but a few of us decided to run through the Ritz-Carlton.  All the miles of running on and through hot, grey concrete were worth it just to feel that sweet, sweet air conditioning in the hotel and mall, and to see the looks on the hotel guests’ faces as we thundered by.  Scaring rich people is my favorite hobby, don’t ya know.  Not long after that, we found ourselves at the first beer check, in a secluded grassy area.

 We took off rather quickly, ran up and down some hills, until we got to the base of a long, steep hill, which most people would normally walk up.  However, there was a pretty good incentive to run:  Jello shots.  And no wimpy vodka jello shots on this trail; nope, these jello shots were made with bourbon.  Tasty, tasty bourbon.  WIN.  All liquored up, we made our way to a big house in South Arlington, home of three of the hares, where we had yet another beer check.  This beer check didn’t just have beer—it had a slip ‘n’ slide.   Best. Trail. Ever.  (Well, best trail that doesn’t involve Marion Barry, anyway.)  After many many turns on the slip ‘n’ slide, the pack, soaking wet and covered in baby oil, headed back north towards Crystal City, past 395, and to the on-in, under some railroad tracks to drink again, some more. 

 Violations:

  • Roll Over, Bitch! forgot to mention the jorts theme, thus missing an opportunity to ogle dozens harriettes in Daisy Dukes.  You’re doing it wrong.
  • The hares only took a 10-minute head start because they wanted to get their pants pulled down.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock was wearing a pair of jorts made from what I’m pretty sure is the exact same pair of Guess? jeans that I had when I was in 8th grade.  In his case, it means Guess which gender he is, when you look at him from behind.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler and Dr. Boner were both wearing new drinking vessels.  Pittsburgh Kneeler’s were so new, she bought them en route to trail.
  • While some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, Kandy Panties wore his sleeve on his head.
  • Doesn’t Pull Out and I Manual Cunt 69’d each other on the slip ‘n’ slide.  No wonder EWH3 is the gayest hash ever.
  • Michael J. Fucks refused to do Jello shots on the grounds that they’re “not [her] style.”  Come on, you know you can find your inner sorwhority girl.
  • Double Ohh Positive was talking religion and politics on trail: While most people wouldn’t turn down oral in the Oval Office, he’d prefer Oral Roberts.
  • Gaystation took the red shot and exclaimed, “This tatsts like my Dad!”  Incest is best, it’s a game the whole family can play!
  • Just Stephanie complained that she got too much head.  How can there possibly be such a thing?
  • Just Brittany tried to auto-hash by humping the hood of a van.  You’re doing it wrong, but at least you’re doing it entertainingly.
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places stole Unobtainium’s shirt.  Isn’t it cute when couples wear each other’s clothing?
  • Piss on Me lost his bitch to a walker.  Sometimes, ladies like when guys move slow.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training continued her training by eating Cunt of the Litter’s cream.

 Violations from the Crowd:

  • CLIT only got to second base on the slip ‘n’ slide.
  • Motormouth tried to get some harriettes to grab onto his “branch” while going through shiggy.  Sorry, dude, you’re not black enough to convincingly pull that off.
  • Assflac complained that Wax On, Whacks Off hadn’t brought enough women into opening circle for “Hi, My Name Is Joe.”  WOWO pulled him in, resulting in a circle that may not have been filled with women but was filled with bitched
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure got kicked out of a beer garden in Germany for wearing the poor man’s lederhosen. 
  • Tits for Tots “saved the best for herself.”  Well, OF COURSE I do.  There are a lot of attractive harriettes out there. A girl’s gotta hold her own somehow.
  • Edgar Allan Ho didn’t want to get wet.
  • To the contrary, she did want to get wet, just not by Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock.
  • Whore Crimes must not be doing his job, if Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock has to offer to get Edgar Allan Ho wet.
  • Peace O’Chum  was all raceist and ran the Pike’s Peak Marathon.
  • Ass Spelunker  was a different kind of raceist; he won the Beer Mile.

Then we had a NAMING!

Just Kate hails from Oakland, CA, and attended Georgetown University, where she studied Middle East history.  She currently raises funds for the American Geophysical Foundation, but is about to start a new job as an administrative contractor at the Pentagon.  Just Kate lost her virginity at age 16 in her bedroom, to her high school boyfriend.  She has since had sex in a yellow Volkswagen Beetle with a flower on the dashboard, been caught shagging by US Park Police, who told her then-paramour to “give her four walls and a roof,” and turned multiple boyfriends gay.  Just Kate likes it rough, and her favorite position is something called, “ankles to ears.”  She is currently dating Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, so expect him to come out of the closet imminently.

 Someone suggested “High Noon,” which didn’t receive all that enthusiastic of a reception, but then another wanker nominated Ankles Away, and the crowd went so wild, we didn’t need to hear any more.  Game over!

That naming went so quickly that we were going to name another Just, but he’d disappeared, so we went to the on-on-on, drank more beer, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid… which, come to think of it, may not go so well with karaoke. 

On-slip-n-slide-on,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Semen on the Pew, Jeffe Lengua, Low Pressure Front and General’s Farm Animal
Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Homo and Red Vag of Courage
Virgins: Just Rob, John, Jerad,Christie, Tina, Liz, Mike and Craig
Visitors: Red Pussy Lover (Haiti) and Helm Me I’m Wet (St. Louise)
Analversaries: None
OnOnOn: Lee’s Restaurant, Bar and Liquor

What can I say about this trail?  It was way the f*ck out there and about a mile of trail was through a stream bed (true).  The hares totally knew what they were doing and no one got lost because trail was so well laid (false).

It pretty long ago so I don’t remember many specifics. (Yeah, yeah I’m way behind on writing my trash, screw you!)  The one thing I do remember is Low Pressure Front (one of the hares) asking me to scout around one block to see if that’s where the end circle was… the hare not knowing where the end is a sure sign of well planned trail!

Violations:

  • Beat All You Can Beat just got back from Afghanistan and was sporting a big bushy beard.  He was violated for “going native” while deployed.
  • Cock Your Suck I Will can’t seem to stay off of her knees on trail.
  • The Hares were violated for laying a trail so bad that even Cock-a-doodle Do Me would rather suck a cock than run it again.
  • Cum Dumpling got tagged in the ass (err sting by a bee) on trail and needed his brother CoXXX On Demand to check to see if he had a bloody asshole.
  • Just Kristie didn’t want to get wet on trail but when she finally did realized that she kind of liked it.
  • Late Night Drive Through had a GPS on trail but forgot to use it when she got lost.
  • Cock Your Suck I will had to go back into the woods to find some emergency cash that she had stuffed in her bras and dropped.  With the amount of cash she had was a grand total of $2.  It’s hard to imagine what sort of jam $2 would get you out of…
  • The Hares were violated for laying a trail that made you bleed more than a virgin getting finger banged while at the same time making you itch like you’ve been with a 50 year old whore.
  • 3 Ring Cervix confused EWH3 with OTH and showed up 45 minutes late for trail.
  • General’s Farm Animal Fell down in the water, as a hare he should have been more aware of the hazards.

Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Kam went to Salisbury University (home of the Seagulls)  where she studied nursing.  When asked if she liked the band ‘Flock of Seagulls’ I believe that Just Kam replied, yes. Just Kam works as, shocker, a nurse… in fucking Pennsylvania!

Just Kam’s favorite farm animal is a cow and her favorite sexual position is any one where her legs are up.  When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Kam talked about her brother in law and neigbor trying, unsuccessfully, to be peeping toms.  Since the crowd wasn’t sure why this was embarrassing for Just Kam we asked her for another embarrassing sex story.  For try number two she relayed a story about being asleep at the foot of a bed being awoken by the bed slamming her in the face because another couple was having sex in it.

She claimed that she had been laid within the past month.  She also admitted to faking orgasms in the past.  When asked for the most interesting place she’s had sex she replied in a Camry or a Volkswagen on Douglass street, which strikes me as both uninteresting and strangely specific.  She denied ever having anal sex.  Apparently whether she spits or swallows “depends.”  She had been given a pearl necklace before.

Story: Once for a college Public Health class Just Kam had to go to a prison to teach sex ed.  During her one of her tours of the prison she caught one of the prisoners masturbating to her.

Then Just Kam was asked a very dumb question that, amazingly, produced an interesting answer.  Q: Who was the stupidest guy you had ever had sex with? A: This guy with the nickname ‘Biscuit.’  Oh and it turned out that ‘Biscuit’ was the guy that took her virginity.

Armed with the info the crowd came up with the following names for Just Kam:

  • Jail House Cock
  • Drop the Soup
  • Prison Jerk
  • Limp Biscuit
  • Biscuits & Gravy
  • Blood Sausage and Biscuits
  • Conjugal Biscuit
  • Pillsbury Maulboy
  • Biscuits and Teabags
  • Muffin Top

Finally the name Cockin Fresh Dough was thrown out there and the crowd (and our RA) approved.  So now Just Kam has a proper hash name, welcome to the club Cockin Fressh Dough!

Then we had a VERY special occasion… a SECOND naming! (We actually don’t do this every week!)

Just Masi went to the naval academy and is still in the Navy.  Where he works in IT.  His favorite sexual position is doggy style.  His most embarrassing sexual story was getting caught having sex on a park bench by the police.  The cops put the spot light on them but they kept going.  After the Po PP actually high-fived him.  (Which makes the story more cool than embarrassing but whatever…)

When his friend was asked for a story about Just Masi she just asked him to show the crowd his tongue, which was very long.  The harriets were very impressed and flurry of naming suggestions ensued.

  • Black from the Neck UP
  • Black Simmons
  • OJ Simmons (at this point I feel like I should tell you that Just Masi is a black man)
  • Naval Deep
  • Gene Simmons
  • Lick James, Bitch!

Finally we settled on Lick James, Bitch! and so at EWH3 and throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, fuck them) Just Masi will be known as Lick James, Bitch!

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #543 – Black of the Clones Hash, Waterfront

Hares:  Private Snowball, Runs with Bulls, Sucks It Blue, The Udder Ho, Hungry Hungry Homo, Rear Protein Injection

Brew Crew:  Fuck’s Up, Doc, Buttfuck Norris

Virgins:  Just: Chris, Erin, Nela, Miranda, Sam, Richie, Andy, Christine, Josh, Chad, Blair

Visitors:  Shitty Kitty Porn Porn (Vegas H3), Cherry Poppins (Ben Franklin Mob H3), Just Martha (Carleton College H3), Just Braydon (Seattle H3), Dam It and Damn It (Ann Arbor H3), Emergency Blow

Analversaries:  Duck Job—100 hashes

Ononon:  Jenny’s

The pack met up in front of a church on the Southwest Waterfront.  Not the church of beer, where we all worship, but an actual church.  We circled up, the hares came out in matching black t-shirts and kilts (except for RPI, who was wearing a towel—leave it to the one white dude to take a trend and make it look stupid), and after a rousing chorus of, “Hi, my name is Joe,” off we went.  It wasn’t too long before we got to the first shot check, a Black Russian.  By the time our stomachs settled from that, we reached the second shot check in a park, a White Russian.  That shot tied the whole trail together!  The pack ran on, thinking we’d hit the beer check at any second.  We ran by two or three locations where we’d had beer checks before, and still no Plan B in sight.  We got our hopes up and got let down so many times that by the time we finally reached beer check somewhere in Southeast, we could all identify with the plight of the angry black man.

The second half of trail was, thankfully, pretty short and sweet.  We crossed back into Southwest, hit our third shot check—a screwdriver, which didn’t fit the theme at all—and headed to the on-in, under a bridge. 

Offensive, Racist Violations (Srsly. If I believed in hell, I’d be going there for these):

  • Doesn’t Pull Out has been tracking his calorie intake.  How many are there in semen, anyway?  Inquiring minds want to know.
  • RPI was the Michael Jackson of the Black of the Clones hares.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock and PeeWee’s Little Adventure weren’t wearing matching shirts.  You’d almost think they’d gone straight.
  • Just Mosi really should’ve hared this trail.
  • Just Zara and Just Jen turned down the second shot once they found out that it was creamy.  Boys, don’t even bother trying.
  • Fluffer No Butther couldn’t stop at cock-blocking other hashers and had to go and cock-block a random dude who was getting a booty call in his car.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training introduced herself to Assfixiation with the greeting, “I love being wet! What’s your name?” Classy.
  • PoPo Disco was drinking out of a Starbucks mug that matched her bra and her shorts.  She’s so yuppietastic, she looks like she’s trying out to be in the Fairfax Rap video.
  • The hares laid a marathon of a trail.  I thought black dudes were only good at sprinting!
  • Suck her for Sushi said he had two virgins, but the girl didn’t come.  Dude, you’re doing it wrong.
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure drew candy on the back of his shirt to get some kids in the playground we ran through to follow him.  He’s starting to get himself confused with his namesake.  Next thing you know, he’ll get arrested for whacking off in an adult movie theatre (if they even still have those, since everyone gets their porn on the interwebs nowadays).
  • Just Erin was running with a fanny pack.  What tour bus did she get it from?
  • Assfixiation still thinks there’ll be tippy cup in 5 minutes.
  • The Udder Ho kept getting all the other hares confused with each other.  See, even black dudes can’t tell each other apart!
  • Motormouth didn’t hare the trail because he’s even whiter than RPI.
  • RPI took advantage of affirmative action to hare the trail.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Roll Over, Bitch!, the hare razor, made the black dudes work twice as hard to lay a trail twice as long as everyone else’s.
  • Emergency Blow was laying on the ground with a bunch of white stuff all over his face during the second shot check.  Tasty, no?
  • Duck Job needed permission from the man to cum to the hash.
  • Assflac thought Davy Crotch Itch was a virgin. 
  • Edgar Allan Ho got a new job and can be a sugar mama now.
  • The hares tried to start a gang on trail.
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure told a random on the street that we were chasing black people.
  • Double Ohhh Positive, Snap Crackle Poop, and Please Step Away from the Whores auto-hashed.
  • PoPo Disco bought her bra at Target, but she gets her underwear at the dollar store.
  • Areola Borealis was so excited about being able to pee like a guy, she gave her skirt to Sucks It Blue.
  • PoPo Disco said something about how stiff her hair was.  She should’ve swallowed.
  • Cock Your Suck I Will was being a raceist on trail. No, not that kind, the other kind.
  • Just Hallie asked Tony Panda if he wanted her to wipe his ass.
  • Shamrock Your Cock obviously isn’t doing her job well if Just Hallie has to ask Tony Panda that.

Then we had a NAMING!

Just Zara attended George Washington University, where she majored in international affairs, and now works for the Smithsonian, giving tours.  So that’s what they call head now!  She lost her virginity at age 17 in the back of a jeep and likes chickens and reverse cowgirl.  Just Zara owns a sex toy that she thinks is called the “little rabbit.”  She wore a pearl necklace to her first hash.  She once had sex on an incline bench press.  Just Zara once lost her underwear the morning after sex, but was found when her then-boyfriend’s dog puked it up while they were having breakfast with his mother. 

Shitty name suggestions were:

  • Lost and Found
  • At Least He Didn’t Shit it Out
  • Pumpin’ Wood
  • Oh, What A Bite
  • Whore Guide
  • Incline Pressed

and

  • One Way or the Other

 Before we could throw Just Zara back, it was mentioned that she neglected to tell us that she was on her period when her boyfriend’s dog ate and threw up her underwear.  Because of this, she will henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), be known as Clifford the Big Red Cock.

Since that went quickly, we had ANOTHER NAMING!

Just Brandon, who was thrown back last week, attended University of Minnesota, where he majored in psychology, and is now a writer for some publication for consumers.  He’s a Freudian, and he doesn’t like electric shocks, but he loves his mother.  Just Brandon lost her virginity at age 16 in his parents’ bedroom and has also gotten laid in the bathroom at Ulah Bistro on U Street.  When he was 5 years old, he punched his great-grandfather, and intentionally dialed the wrong number to apologize.  As a child, Just Brandon also busted a girl’s teeth.  She is now on MSNBC.  His high school nickname was “Felcher,” because he came in a girl and then ate her out.  I do not think that word means what you think it means.  Just Brandon was charged with felony vandalism for stealing signs when Minnesota won the Frozen Four.  He doesn’t come from blow jobs and hasn’t gotten laid in 2 years; these facts might be related.  He also taped and sold porn from junior high school through the middle of college. 

Name suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Wood Chipper
  • Indian Jizzer
  • Cold Cock
  • I’m Not Done, Bitch
  • GILF
  • Porntepreneur
  • Cut Out Paper Bag
  • Consume Her Abort
  • Father Dowling’s Mystery
  • Second Cumming
  • Jiminy Dick-it

and

  • Rusty Trombone

 The pack settled on Rusty Trombone—second time’s the charm!

Both namings done, we proceeded to the original on-on-on, Phillips, only to find it was closed.  But that didn’t stop us.  Hashers are nothing if not resourceful, so we went next door to Jenny’s, drank more beer, and tried to get laid. 

Damn, my quads still hurt from that trail,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Brokeback Mama, A Red River Runs Through It, SlumCock Anywhere, and Just Zara
Brew Crew: Mannipple Lickter and Oedipus Sex
Virgins: Just Matt, Kieron, Bill, Hank, Aaron, Mark, Fred, Greg, Tiffany, Vickie, Josh, Beth, Guggan, Russ, Mike, Zack, Ben, Jane, Jacqueline, Jade and Sharb
Visitors: Salad Shooter (San Diego), Just Christen (homeless), Hell I Smell Her (Aloha H3), Quiver Dance (Hampton H3), Mr. Beanie Weenie (Vulcan H3), and Coxycontin (S.H.I.T) (I guess no one told Coxy that being a SHIT hasher does not make you a visitor!)
Analversaries: Double Ohhh Positive (69) and Eat Your Vegetables (69)
OnOnOn: The Pour House

We circled up in front of Union Station for the “A Hare Called Wanda” trail.  So cleverly named because all of the hares have names that are spoofs of famous movie titles.  Little did we know that this hash was going to be epic (in length) with a boring plot (trail) and an intermission (beer check) that came way too late.  The jokes also stank (the beer check was situated next to the fish market).

Eventually the travesty ended, the credits rolled, and the cast members (hares) of this shit show were forced to do many down-downs.  There was much rejoicing.

(If you think the description of trail is just a bunch of lame movie jokes because I can’t remember what the trail was actually like… you would be correct.)

Now on to the details:

Violations:

  • 3-2-1 Fuck Off and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me both tried to pay their hash cash with coins.  We all know you can’t tip a stripper with coins and therefor their currency was worthless.
  • Tits for Tots claims that here boobs are always oriented east and west.  We all hope that they help her find a penis that’s oriented north.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door, Silly Gay Virus and Peewee’s Little Adventure all wore matching outfits.  No really!
  • Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining that we had more virgins than Justs on today’s trail and that it was someones fault and that they needed to be punished.  Since I couldn’t figure out whose fault it was, or even if this was something that anyone should complain about, I decided that Ro,B! needed to drink.
  • Just Evan and his virgin clasped hand and ran into the end together so that neither would “win” the hash.  They both “won” a down-down for this stunt.
  • Cocktuplets was attracted to the beer check because it smelled like pussy.
  • Just Jess and Just Bill both had technology on trail.
  • Just Stephanie and Just Michelle both carried their purses on trail.  I hope the purses at least had condoms in them, in case of trail sex!
  • The hares were violated for marking the trail in from of the holocaust museam with stars of David.  I guess it IS too soon.
  • A Red River Runs Through It forgot to bring the walkers trail through shot check.
  • The harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch! was pulling out the trail map at every check.  I guess he didn’t remember that you can actually solve them.
  • Maytagged is being deported and so won’t be at the hash for while.
  • Cum Dumpling was violated for not being able to raise his arm while screaming “white flour.”  I’m not quite sure I understand this violation but he drank for it anyway.
  • Brokeback Mama couldn’t help lay his own trail because he locked all his shit in his car and had to wait for AAA to send a locksmith.
  • Edgar Allan Ho is receiving free condoms from the government.  We can only assume that they are trying to avert an pandemic of swine herpes.
  • Finally John 3:69 wore shoes so new and bright that the glare off of them was blinding.  A down-down out of the right shoe should teach her not to do that again.

Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Brandon went to the University of Minnesota where he studied psychology, meaning now he works as a waiter… well actually he works for Consumer Reports.  What, exactly, he did for that publication wasn’t clear but probably wasn’t interesting enough to warrant much attention by the crowd.

His favorite sexual position is missionary and his favorite barnyard animal is a pig.  He most embarrassing sexual moment was getting caught in the middle of coitus, in a dorm room at college.  (OMG! How embarrassing… not.)  The most interesting place he had ever had sex was the restroom of some cafe in DC.  He claimed not to be very good in bed… way to intrigue the ladies there Just Brandon!  I guess if you are going to be disappointed in the morning you might as well know ahead of time.

One interesting fact about Just Brandon is that he is a felon.  Apparently he went ape-shit after the Golden Gophers lost (or maybe won) some game.  He tore a bunch of signs down and caused several thousand dollars in damage.  His aggressive attitude while on his knees, in the middle of circle was also noted by many.

Armed with this info the crowd came up with many bad names for Just Brandon.  In the end our RA, Cum Dumpling, decided to throw him back.  I guess we’ll be hearing more from Just Brandon soon!

Then we all went to The Pour House where drama ensued as we hit on the roommate of our former lover, who also happened to be the one who made out with our best friend after they got really hammered at that party last month…  Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were!

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #541 – Combat Veterans’ Hash, Van Dorn Street

Hares:  Little Red Ride Me Good, Double Ohhhh Positive, Porn to Fail, Eat Your Vegetables, JAG Queen

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Red Vag of Courage

Virgins:  Just: Marshall, Esti, Daniel, Robbie, Hugo, Tina, Roxanne, John, Saul, Steph, and Jim

Visitors:  Kilt Lifter, Curtis Flush, Nadia Cum ‘n’ Eat Me, Foreign Sex Change, Taco’s Camel Toe

Ononon:  Nick’s Country Bar

After being booted from the original starting point by a security guard in a Hyundai, the pack circled up in a parking lot far, far away from the Metro and almost immediately plunged into some shiggy that led to a creek.  Before reaching the creek, some wanker stepped on a hornets’ nest, unleashing the fury of a thousand angry, stinging insects.  Hornets on trail, really?  This is not ‘Nam.  There are rules.  I myself got stung 5 times.  And then, to top it off, a thunderstorm came in, creating flash flood conditions.  We trudged on through the creek, then into a tunnel under the Beltway, but there was no light at the end of it, only a crawl space.  Finally, at the end of the crawl space, we saw daylight.  The pack came out in a space between several tunnels and had to climb a rope to get out.  We then waded through what was supposed to be a creek, but looked more like a chest-deep fjord thanks to the storm.

The hares swept the back of the pack straight into beer check, because trail had washed out in the rain and one of the tunnels we were supposed to go through was completely flooded.  My relief at the sight of sweet, sweet beer was tempered when a few minutes after getting into beer check, when my lips started going numb and my whole face swelled up until I looked like I could be on the front page of www.enoughwiththecollagenalready.com.  And that, my friends, is how I learned that I am allergic to wasp and hornet stings.  The FRBs were still out trying to find trail, though word came in that some of them had gone straight to the on-on-on.  The hares swept the pack that was at the beer check there, while Designer Bush was kind enough to drive me to Giant so I could buy some Benadryl.  Turtle Dick drove his truck around the area and swept the remaining runners in to the parking lot behind the on-on-on. 

Before we could circle up, the owner asked us to come in and pay for beer instead of drinking it for free, and the taps in Plan B went wonky.  The pack went into the bar, drank beer, sang karaoke, and those who weren’t too wounded from trail tried to get laid.

 

For the love of god, avoid stinging insects,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Chicken Fucker, Monday Sticky Monday, Beer Fairy, A-Salt My Ass and Peace O’Chum
Brew Crew: Silver Spooge and Wank Like An Egyptian
Virgins: Just Steph, James, Jess, Julie, Jeremy, Mike, Travis, Jamie, Mark and Juan
Visitors: No visitors were dumb enough to run this trail!
Analversaries: None
OnOnOn: Georgina’s

This week the hares had us venture over the Anacostia, through the ghetto and into eastern Maryland.  We circled up on the top of the metro parking garage and commenced our normal opening activities.  The trail featured surprisingly little ghetto and lots of shiggy.  This included many forays through pricker bushes which everyone enjoyed.  One of the more interesting pieces of terrain was a very large, abandoned parking lot in the middle of nothing.  It was difficult to imagine what this parking lot used to serve as parking for.

Eventually we emerged from the wilderness into one of DC’s finer neighborhoods where all the best shopping (for illicit drugs) and (gang graffiti) and nightlife (Georgina’s, the singular bar in the whole neighborhood) can be found!

Now on to the details:

Violations:

  • A-Salt My Ass grabbed Cock Your Suck I Will from behind and picked her up during opening circle.  I hope you all caught that because it’s probably the last time you’ll ever have the opportunity to witness ASMA picking up a girl.
  • Bitch On Bitch On Bitch was overheard complaining “This thing made me itch.”  Something you picked up at the hash made you itch…? No shit!
  • Chicken Fucker (and the hares) laid yet another trail that made everyone bleed like a 12 year old girl getting finger banged for the first time.
  • Hair Cuntery was complaining that the terrain encountered on trail wasn’t quite what was advertised on the trail news.  If had known there was going to be so much shiggy he would have worn different shoes.  If that’s not some r*cist bullshit I don’t know what is!
  • Cum Dumplings batteries died on trail and he didn’t have any replacements.  CD should always have extra batteries with him. We all know there is no way he’ll ever be able please a woman without a battery operated device.
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places was carrying his cell phone on trail.  I hate to be the one to break it to you dude, but she’s never going to call you back.
  • Do Me Howser and Cum Dumpling were rubbing each others nipples at beer check.  That’s some gay shit right there.
  • Cum Cumpling and Do Me Howser couldn’t stop talking about queens on trail.  Whether they were talking about history or their last date, is inconsequential, they deserved their down-downs.
  • An Inconvenient Poop was 30 minutes late to the hash.  You know the old saying: better late than pregnant!
  • Just Carla was the victim of not just one but two drive-by pickup attempts on this ghetto trail.  No word if any of the thugz actually got her number…
  • It was Cute Lesbian In Training’s birthday.  We usually don’t commemorate birthday’s at EWH3 but in this case we made an exception since it meant C.L.I.T. was finally old enough to get her learners permit.
  • Dyke Tyson was complaining that she couldn’t get her tits out.  I have three words for you: practice, practice,practice.  Us harriers will be happy to observe and critique your technique.
  • Tits for Tots was wearing a shirt that so torn up it made her look like the latest tiger attach victim at the ‘Ziegfried and Roy’ show.
  • Finally the Hares were violated for not looking out for our brew crew.  The chose an ending circle that was right in front of a sign reading: “No serving or consuming alcohol within 1000 feet.  Violators will be prosecuted.”

Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

This night Just Nikki was brought into the circle so that the crowd could give her a decent and respectable name worthy of the hash.  During the interrogation phase of the ritual we learned the following about Just Nikki:

  • She went to college at Salisbury University in Maryland home of the Seagulls.
  • She supports her hashing habit bu working as a graphic designer at the Jewish Community Center… and yes she is a Hebe!
  • Her favorite barnyard animal is the Cock
  • Her favorite sexual position is Doggy Style and the most unusual place she’s had sex is an elementary school playground.
  • In her opinion facials are good for your skin.

A few stories came out about Just Nikki.  One time a boyfriend passed out while going down on her.  She was also caught having sex with a dude who had a girlfriend (she was the mistress) by the guys mom.

Her most embarrassing sexual experience occurred in high school however.  Her boyfriend decided to make her a romantic dinner for valentines day.  His parents were out of the house and he set up candles and everything.  After dinner things got hot and heavy and they went to his room to have sex.  Unfortunately his parents and grandparents came home early that night.  Even more unfortunately they ran into the house screaming, not because they knew Just Nikki and her guy were having sex, but because the dining room table was ON FIRE.  Just Nikki and the boyfriend had to evacuate the house naked.  Remember kids, put those candles out before you start playing a round of ‘hide the candle.’  Lesson learned!

The crowd come up with the following nominations for Just Nikki:

  • Friction Burn
  • Wake Up Little Floozie
  • Stop Fuck and Roll
  • Ambien Me Over
  • Parent Trap
  • Felacial
  • Backshaft
  • It Burns It Burns
  • Fire Down Under
  • Come On Baby Light My Fire

Hmm most of these names followed a theme.  In the end the crowd favorite was Backshaft in honor of the classic firefighting movie and some sort of phallus.  That’s just how we roll.  Goodbye Just Nikki, hello Backshaft may all your hashes be short and beer filled and all your drunken mistakes be disease free.

Then we went to the ononon, Georgina’s, got drunk and clumsily made passes at each other… some of them probably even worked.  No sightings of former mayor Marion Barry this time.  Boo!

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #539 – C*ck ‘n’ Roll, Metro Center

Hares:  Cock Your Suck I Will, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me, CoXXX on Demand, Slumcock Anywhere, The Cock Strikes 12, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Shamrock Your Cock

Brew Crew:  Runs with Bulls, Marco Homo

Virgins:  Just way too many to keep track of

Visitors:  Just Josh (Hindu Kush—transplant), Turbo Pussy (Boston—Transplant), Fucks Ewes (Portland)

Analversaries:  17 runs—Sextion 7 Housing, The Whores on the Bus Go Up and Down, 1 Girl, 2 Cups; 100 runs—My Little Pony, Do Me Howser

Ononon:  Penn Quarter Sports Bar

 

The hares were so excited for us all to party like c*ck stars that they brought party favors:  star-shaped sunglasses, fake tattoos, inflatable guitars, and confetti poppers.  In honor of the late Michael Jackson, all the sunglasses were too small for anyone who didn’t have a child-size head.  After circling up, the pack embarked on a trail so messy that it deserves its very own E! True Hollywood Story.  We went through about 42 back checks before having to either climb over or sneak through a gap in a very rusty fence and reaching the shot check and downed a fruity concoction that the hares insisted was called, “The Cock of Paradise.”  Maybe that’s what they’d like us to call it.  After having our shots—both alcoholic and tetanus, after that fence—we climbed another fence and ran through some urban shiggy to the beer check on top of a parking deck.

 

A couple beers later, the pack took off through the urban shiggy before reaching the scariest place in DC.  No, I’m not talking about Anacostia.  I’m talking about Georgetown Law Center campus.  Fortunately, most of the pack managed to escape unscathed, with all their money intact.  (To the guy soliciting for the annual fund, give me a chance to pay off my damn loans first!)  We then zigged and zagged through the Police Memorial and Chinatown, coming dangerously close to the On-On-On, before ending up at the same parking deck where we’d had beer check.

 

Violations:

  • Chippen Fails had a really good ride, but he just couldn’t stay up.
  • Ass Spelunker turned another year older
  • Put It Out he tried to emulate Michael Jackson and give himself a nose job, but he ran into a tree to do it and just ended up with a bloody face for his troubles.
  • Big Bend Over wore a raceist t-shirt AND bragged about being the 3rd person into beer check.
  • Do Me Howser went to the ice cream truck to hang out with the little kids gathered there, but wouldn’t let any of them lick his popsicle.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock got a new job doing math for a living and resigned himself to never getting laid again.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training said, “I smell mothballs,” while running with Tar Squeal.  I know it may have been a while, but that’s not a nice thing to say about Tar Squeal’s vagina.
  • The hares for thinking you could make a trail entirely of back checks.  More hares doesn’t necessarily equal a better trail, but when there are 7 of you, you can rotate on and off the ice in circle.
  • Cocktuplets still doesn’t have a hole, even though there’s an operation to fix that.
  • Silly Gay Virus was wearing the loudest, most obnoxious neon shirt I’ve seen since I was in grade school.  Good thing those sunglasses actually fit me; I needed them just to look at it.
  • Assflac made out with Just Maisie (WOWO’s weimaraner) and said he’s had worse.
  • Big Bend Over was looking for the first aid kit because his nipples were chafed, and he wasn’t even wearing a corset.
  • Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow is the worst wingman ever; he was going to bring something for Can’t Get Beaver to bang, but he forgot.
  • Floral Sex, Double-Ohh Positive, and Please Step Away from the Whores auto-hashed in a cab.
  • The Cock Strikes 12 tried to give people shots of flour.  Despite all appearances, it’s not Jesus Juice from concentrate 
  • Just Steph was rubbing a confetti popper, trying to figure out how it worked, when it went off prematurely, in her hand.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Floral Sex can fit more in when she loses muscle tone.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me tried to impersonate the drummer from Def Leppard, but she has one arm too many.
  • Sexion 7 Housing said that no matter how you violated her, she still wouldn’t come all the time.
  • Assflac is allergic to pussy, especially when it gets close to his face. 
  • Osama Bin Put It Out wrapped his t-shirt around his head to look like a turban.
  • Tits for Tots wiped out on trail but was relieved to at least not have hurt her bone.

 

Then we had a NAMING!

Just May attended the Naval Academy, where she majored in oceanography, and is now a supply officer.  She’s a lightweight who gets drunk on 2 beers, but she is a pro at booting and rallying; her record is puking 5 times at the Preakness Stakes.  Just May lived in Bancroft Hall and once got caught having sex on the roof.  She has two tattoos, one of which is a tramp stamp with Chinese characters that she says mean, “hope, prosperity and double happiness,” but actually means, “enter here.”  The other tattoo is a monkey on her hip with the words, “Pura Vida,” or “life is good.”  Just May owns a dog named The Dread Pirate Roberts, which has to be the most awesome pet name ever.  She likes to leave her underwear on the balcony, and when she lived on a ship, there were 2000 Marines on board beating off while thinking about her.  Or her underwear.  Just May once got her sister arrested for assault, and gave her coach a boner when he heard her faking an orgasm.

 

Names (that didn’t suck) were:

  • VOUS (Vaginas of Unusual Size)
  • Pussy on a Hot Tin Roof
  • Hey, Hey, Here’s My Monkey!
  • Red Roofie Inn
  • Win, Place, or Throw
  • Anchor Twat
  • There She Blows… Again
  • And
  • Have Fun Storming The Asshole!

 

Who can resist a Princess Bride reference?  We sure can’t, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), Just May will be known as Have Fun Storming the Asshole!

 

About half of us made it to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, saw one of the most amusing table reservation signs ever (“Natural Distaster Wedding Party,” a bit redundant if you ask me) and tried to get laid.  It was horribly crowded, so apparently, the other half went to a different bar, drank cheap beer, and played flip-cup, presumably while also trying to get laid.  Now that takes some coordination! 

 

Until next time, keep partying like c*ck stars,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Cum Dumpling, Low Press’her Front, Kandy Panties, Just Nikki and our very speshul mystery hare Poop Weiner
Brew Crew:
Saskatchewsnatch and I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just Caitlin, Amanda, Max, Todd, Brad, Ron, Andy, Rebeca, Rob, Katie, Brian and Peter

Visitors:
 Poop Weiner (SHHH), Fire Pants Alec and Just Anna
Analversaries:
Silly Gay Virus (17)
OnOnOn:
The Ugly Mug


We gathered outside of the Eastern Market Metro station during what had been a beautiful day.  The hares were sent off, the virgins were educated about trail marks and we circled up for our normal opening shenanigans.  We had a replacement RA this evening: Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me.  She apparently has zero pull with the hash gods because as soon as we started opening circle the skies opened up and there was a downpour so heavy would have given Noah cause for alarm. 

The pack was off on a “trail” that was completely washed away.  Literally there was not a single mark to be found.  This fact didn’t stop Hair Cuntery from continuously yelling “On-On” and leading the entire pack on a “trail” of his own devising.  Where was the sweeper hair?  Who the fuck knows?  Following Hair Cuntery into unknown does not exactly fill you with a sense of confidence, but apparently there was a method to the madness, after about three miles of r*cism the pack did find the beer check. (That method being running around the neighborhood going through every plausible beer check location.)

By the time we got to beer check the rain had abated and it was actually possible to lay trail.  The hares were off and the pack followed after consuming some tasty beverages.  Maybe three quarters of a mile into the second half of trail the hares popped out of hiding and tried to pelt the FRBs, and the pack, with flour.  Unfortunately they neglected to actually send anyone ahead of this ambush point to lay the rest of trail… so now the pack was actually in front of the hares… I have no idea how they thought this would work out well.  I ended up walking the rest of trail because there wasn’t any point in running it.

We got to the end, which was the same location as the beer check.  Another excellent choice of strategy by the hares… We had circle and proceeded to get rained on in spite of the fact that the skies over head were basically clear of clouds… Cocky, sacrifice your virginity already!!!  Clearly the hash gods are not happy with you protecting it.

Now on to the details:

Violations:

  • Slumcock Anywhere was “working” from home and had decided to pass the time by having a beer and watching some inter-net porn, unfortunately his favorite porn site was down and he decided to do actual work instead.
  • The Hares did down-downs for not anticipating the weather and laying their accordingly… Low Pressure Front is a meteorologist for Christ sakes!  (FYI- a ‘meteorologist’ is someone who predicts the weather.)
  • Do Me Howser bought the cow, having just married Tupperware.  It was noted that Tupperware has been barely seen at the hash since snaring a man.
  • Fucks Up Dock? Was complaining that she had a drippy snatch.  She assured me that we had nothing to worry about as she was taking something for it…
  • Just Nikki covered herself in orange flour.  She drank for trying to impersonate an “orange” girl with a bad fake tan.
  • Just Tara asked if we hashed during the winter.  Next she’ll be asking if we hash during national holidays and natural disasters.
  • The notorious FRBs Sphincter Shy and Cock Your Suck I Will were trying find trail even though the were AHEAD of the hares.
  • The hares did down downs for their excellent “stragery” in sending no one ahead to actually lay trail when they decided to ambush the pack.
  • Obeastiologist was talking about “fartlicking” on trail.  Whether he was being a r*cist or just gross doesn’t matter.  He deserved his down down.
  • Roll Over Bitch! was violated for abusing his position as Harerazer by using the hareline to pimp out his resume.
  • Eat Your Vegetables was commended for managing to appear popular during at least one hash.
  • Canned Pussy, #2, Just Nick and Fuxedo all managed to show up to beer check completely dry.  Something wasn’t kosher there!
  • Hair Cuntery was violated for creating his own 5K in place of the first half of trail.
  • ChippenFails had a flower growing out of his ass… apparently sperm is a good fertilizer.


Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!  (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Nick who had been thrown back the week before was brought into the circle for second shot at getting a name that didn’t suck.  During round two of the interrogation we learned the following about Just Nick:

  • Graduated from the Naval Academy and is a Navy pilot
  • His squadron is the Bulldogs and his call sign is Stewie
  • Lost his virginity at 18 in the living room of his girlfriends house
  • The meanest thing he ever did to someone was drop a bomb on the wrong house.
  • The meanest thing he ever did to an American was punch a girl in the stomach
  • His favorite barnyard animal is a goat
  • His favorite TV shows are CNN and Man vs. Wild

Edgar Allan Ho who has the (mis)fortune of sleeping with Just Nick these days had a story about the night they first met.  It was after a hash and EAH and Just Nick met at the ononon.  They left for metro together and while on metro they made a little and Just Nick tried to get EAH to go down on him, which she didn’t do.  Before they needed to switch trains he tried to get her to come home with him, which she also refused to do.  Of course a little later that night he called her claiming to have missed his train, and she picked him up and brought him home that night anyway.  (Apparently EAH is pretty gullible…)

Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:

  • Bait-n-Switch
  • Police Blowtality
  • Rail Rider
  • No Means Anal
  • Last Train to Poleland
  • Slobber on My Cock You Bitch
  • Ass Wide Shut
  • Ho She Chin Trail


None of these names quite had the cache of Whore Crimes however.  Goodbye Just Nick, hello Whore Crimes.

Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!

The crowds lust for namings not sated with Just Nick (err Whore Crimes) Just Judy was dragged into the circle.  Just Judy went to American University whose mascot is the Bald Eagle.  Her hobbies include hashing, hashing and hashing.  (NO idea what Just Judy did with her time before discovering hashing.)  She works as a restaurant hostess.  (Philosophy major in college?)  She grew up in Puerto Rico and went to an all girls catholic high school.

She lost her virginity in college and swallows after a blow job.  She was a good catholic girl in high school so when she dated guys she would blow them instead of giving them sex.  The strangest place she’s ever had sex was in a lifeguard house in Miami Beach.  Her favorite sexual position in missionary.  When asked about how many girls she has kissed Just Judy had a story about making out with a stripper in front of an ex-boyfriend.  When asked about the first time she had anal sex, her response was: “It was a surprise.”

We learned a lot more about Just Judy but unfortunately my scribe notes get pretty esoteric at times.  I sure wish I could remember what story the note ‘Long dark phallus – Flavor in my mouth’ referred too.  I’m also  pretty sure there was some sort of catholic school girl lesbian story… Oh well, not everything can be recorded for posterity.

Anyway, the following names were nominated for Just Judy:

  • Double Stacked
  • Dyke Watch
  • Three Men and a Maybe
  • What abouy Knob
  • Bunkake
  • Coochie Grissel
  • Shindlers Lisp
  • Everything Butt
  • Surprise Attack
  • All Head No Bed
  • Amtush

In the end due to her catholic upbringing and her subsequent attempts to make up for lost time Just Judy was named John 3:69

Then we went to ononon, drank our faces off and tried to get laid.  Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were!

 

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe