WHEN: Thursday, April 23rd, 2020

WHERE: Your House


As the quarantine continues and nonessential businesses remain closed, our hair is getting wackier and less tame, so today we celebrate that unprofessional wackiness the way we always do: by getting drunk and running around! Only because of the quarantine, we all did it on our own, then met up on Zoom to talk about it afterwards.

All of us, every day during quarantine

As we continued to drink at virtual circle, we held court for the various shenanigans and dumb shit that happened on virtual trail.


  • Stain Gretzy was violated for having to borrow her muggle roommate’s wig. Come on! What respectable hasher doesn’t have, ready at a moment’s notice, 10 wigs of varying shades, 6 rainbow tutus, 4 animal onsies, 2 red dresses, and a Partridge in a pear tree?
  • Kooter Kunte was violated for collecting skulls on trail. Not only is that creepy as FUCK during a quarantine, that’s NOT what they mean when they said you’re “getting some head!”
  • Periodic Fable was violated for bringing a minor to trail. At least we don’t have to report you to the cops since the kid was still a virgin.
  • Special Red Kid was violated for thinking his beard is long enough to need a trim. Come on, I’ve seen more hair on Periodic Fable’s minor balls.
Quick he's resisting arrest! : funny
Actual footage of your scribe Close Encounters of the Turd Kind getting arrested for crimes against comedy
  • Tik Tok It’s Dick O’Clock and #Squadholes were violated for going way off theme. You were supposed to show off the highest part of your body, not the lowest. I’m not complaining though, I’ve already masturbated twice to those feet. Send me more, I know some people who are buying.
  • Bow Chica Bow Bow, Edward Sissy Hands, and Close Encounters of the Turd Kind were violated for being uncreative losers and having the same hairdo today. At least we all know what you do with your jizz when you’re done masturbating with that There’s Something About Mary look.
  • Roll Over Bitch was violated for forcing Kooter Kunte on trail and getting her all wet. That was clearly the first time THAT’S ever happened
  • Kooter Kunte was violated again for taking a shower on trail. That’s the first time THAT’s how anyone got wet on trail!
  • Deetz Nuts was violated for being afraid to get a little moist.
my cupcakes are moist and delicious | Tumblr


  • All of Mismanagement was violated for the shitty weather we had today.
  • Close Encounters of the Turd Kind was violated for not knowing how trail announcements work and emailing a list he didn’t have credentials for to remind you to submit violations for over a month.
  • Son, What The Fuck was violated for reusing the silver hair she used on her 69th trail.
  • Twaterboarding was violated for putting Kooter Kunte in double jeopardy and violating her twice for the same crime


  • The Defense Breasts was cummended for her creativity and engineering skill for keeping her hair on theme for tonight. I do have one question though, can those antennas be tuned to pick up the scrambled porn channels?
  • Deep Anal Horizon was cummended for the excellent throwback to his emo days. It’s tough having such longevity while being a part of a clique known primarily for its suicide.


  • Everyone who wore hats on trail. The theme was CRAZY HAIR, not “cover your hair”, numbnuts!
  • Everyone who has tried to cut their own hair during quarantine
  • Everyone who smoked pot on 4/20
  • Everyone who DIDN’T smoke pot on 4/20
Everyday Smoke Weed GIFs | Tenor

On–I’m starting to need a haircut soon…–On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

WHEN: March 5th, 2020

WHERE: Union Station

VIRGINS: Just Steve

VISITORS: Molotov Cock, Downward Sog, Homeo and Juliet, and Turkey Twat

Holy SHITBALLS that was a shitty trail! The Hares are being violated for multiple transgressions:

  • We should have known this was going to be a shitty trail when we saw a literal port-o-potty marked!
  • Your trail had more blind turns than all tragic country songs combined!
  • You caused more people to get lost in darkness than the fall of Rome!
  • Your trail had less chalk dust than I’ve seen on my gym teachers balls!

Speaking of balls…

  • The Cumburglar is being violated because he was overheard on trail saying “the only person who played with his balls in high school was myself.” Don’t worry, it could have been worse… the only person who played with MY balls back then was my Scoutmaster.
  • Stain Gretsky is being violated for going back to her glory days on her high school aerospace club. Bet you didn’t know she was part of the aerospace club! On trail, she was seen launching a snot rocket on my foot! She also solved three straight tit checks by herself like the overachieving band drum major she is. Looks like you got laid just as much as I did back then.
  • 9021HO is being violated because he didn’t know the song Area Codes by Ludacris. He also thought Ludacris was the rapper who barked. At least he didn’t forget about Dre, but now X is definitely gonna give it to him!
  • Twaterboarding is being violated because she said “Never let reality get in the way of humor.” However, MY bad ears heard “Never let reality get in the way of puberty.” I guess that’s the motto of the Catholic Church. Speaking of the Catholic Church…
  • Poon Tang Clan is being violated because she CLEARLY never went to church. She learned TODAY that “missionary” is not just a position. Also, despite the song “son of a preacher man” she also learned TODAY that non-Catholic preachers are allowed to fuck.

On-“My Scoutmaster was actually really cool and never touched me inappropriately”-On

Close Encounters of the Eagle Scout Kind

When: Thursday March 15th, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Metro Center – Freedom Plaza!  – Red, Blue, Orange, & Silver Lines

Hares: Colliteral Damage, Deetz Nutz, Poops I did it Again, Cheech & Dong, Happy Poo Year, Maybe it’s Gaybelline, and L’Chymen

Virgins: Just Kyle, Just Rick

Visitors: Lola-palooza, Floppy Attachment

On After: Recessions

Gaining the Luck of the Irish is not as easy as it sounds. The Irish have a lengthy list of good luck charms and bad omens and it’s hard to keep them straight! We need all the help we can get around here, so here’s a list of superstitions and lucky charms you should maybe consider being more aware of.

  1. Four Leaf Clovers: The hares were marking trail with lots of stars, when they should have been using shamrocks!
  2. Lucky Rabbit’s Foot: Actually, “adhering strictly to early tradition, a person in search of luck should carry the foot of a hare.”
  3. If you trip and fall in a graveyard you will most likely die by the end of the year. (Good on Jack for beating this curse.)
  4. Knock On Wood: “To avoid tempting fate after an unfavorable comment, the best thing to do, per superstitions, is to quickly knock on wood for protection. The belief was originated from the Indians of North America … children would touch a tree to signify safety during a game of tag, thus sparking the knock on wood tradition.” I guess no one told Just Morgan. He tripped into a topiary instead. It’s ON wood, not IN wood.
  5. The End of a Rainbow:In order to ensure no humans could take what they now considered their gold, the leprechauns reburied it in pots deep underground all over the island. When rainbows appear, they always end at a spot where some leprechaun’s pot of gold is buried.” Amerigo Vesploogie dressed as a bear. He wasn’t looking for a pot of gold. He wanted a pot of honey.
  6. Blarney Stone: “The legendary Blarney Stone at Ireland’s Blarney Castle attracts visitors who kiss the stone to get the gifts of good luck and eloquence.” I got something else you can kiss, right here..
  7. Lucky Number Seven: I didn’t have seven people in the circle so (insert your own violation here) for General Tso’s Dicken and The Hyperpoop.

Violations for the less lucky:

Eiffel Plow Her plowed his way through a crowd of school girls at the Vietnam War Memorial. Was France even in the Vietnam War?!

On trail, Throbbin’ Hood was outlining the variety he appreciates in dildos. Short & stocky, long & stockier, black & stocky – just stocky things in general. I guess it’s true that the heart wants what it doesn’t have.

General Tso’s Dicken got so excited at all this stock talk that she immediately had to stop at a hot dog stand to put a weiner in her mouth.

Afterwards, Wank Like an Egyptian grilled her for details for a solid three minutes. Wank, if you’re trying so hard to live vicariously through weiners, why not just talk to Throbbin’? (Or.. are you not into stocky dicks?)

Bonus Round! Tragic Carpet Ride

Tragic claims that when he was a young boy, he could lick his own dick. When pressed for a demonstration, Tragic blamed his changing body for the lack of performance. Ok, like we haven’t heard that one before.

Tragic took that childhood baggage and passed it onto an innocent bystander by yelling in a small child’s face “I have herpes in my ass!” Well, that’s a talk that’s happening earlier than his parents planned.

On trail, Tragic tried to direct traffic by yelling, “Wait! Stop!” Don’t you know? Once it starts cumming, you can’t stop it.

Finally, some of you may have noticed that Tragic’s vessel is in the likeness of Sully, from Monster’s Inc. If you haven’t seen the movie, Sully is actually quite like Tragic. They both spend their time trying to make little girls scream, but only succeed in making them laugh.

As luck would have it, the night was clear and the alley was windproof so we gathered close for a solemn occasion..

The Naming of Just Eric

Just Eric (not Allen) hails from Cleveland and was brought to our city in pursuit of a degree from American University. A former drama club director and high school newspaper editor, Just Eric landed a role as Carlos the Pool Boy’s side piece in Legally Blonde: the Musical. Carlos enjoyed rehearsing their make-out scene – his girlfriend was less appreciative. While studying abroad, Just Eric narrowly avoided deportation thanks to a smoking (literally) cougar named Mary. He wants to be the Fabulous Falcon, but also wants to fuck the Fabulous Falcon somehow? Boy, don’t you know that if you fuck someone with the same name, it’s just masturbation? (Disclaimer: this is the part where I got really confused) Just Eric’s dick might be bigger than Bill’s and he definitely owns Bitcoin. He likes it when the number of limbs in a sexual encounter equals either 0 (Nugget Porn?) or 9 (him + starfish). I heard him call Karl Marx “daddy” and immediately tuned out.

Despite her confusion, Poon-apple Juice seamlessly combined his desires to have cucumbers and muppets up his ass by naming him…

(Again, this raises more questions than it answers..)

Alas, we had made it through the ides of St Patrick relatively intact. We departed to remedy that at Recessions.

On – Erin Go Bra-less – On
Poon-apple Juice


Bonus Round – Part Two!
So, I’m a hot holy mess and never got around to sending you all…

The Naming of Just Nick

Just Nick, a ginger graduate of Virginia Tech, really likes shrimp and funerals. He once picked someone up at a wake and has stolen a non-zero sum of shellfish from another. If given $200, he would probably just eat it, much like stolen shrimp. He spends his days doing something law adjacent, but used to moonlight in life guarding, geriatric fishing, and pig slaughter. His first butt sex experience was also his worst. It’s been variably painful since. Just Nick keeps a Rolodex of all the dicks he’s met and was kind enough to outline some pretty interesting threesomes for us:

Despite his creative approach to math, it was Just Nick’s penchant for Elon Musk porn and the tale of tackling a turtle with a leaf at a music festival that led Wank Like an Egyptian to name him…

On – “Let’s go home and fuck” – On
Juicy J

For general questions on hashing, email us questions at [email protected].

Want the trail announcement emailed to you? Sign up for the trail announcement listserve here!

Where: Silver Spring Metro – exit on the bus station side, not the NOAA side. Follow marks to circle!

Hares: Special Head Kid, Pinochi-ho, Cum Dumpling, maybe others

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to A’ (you can easily walk to the metro from End Circle or the On-After). No PI seen by hares, dog friendly, stroller friendly, crippled gimp friendly. Low shiggy. It should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug! Be smart, have fun.

Last trains out of Silver Spring:
to Glenmont at 11:58 PM,
or to Shady Grove 11:12 PM

On After: The Fire Station 1 Restaurant, and Bar at 8131 Georgia Ave, Silver Spring

Specials: There will be some! And there was much rejoicing.

For general questions on hashing, email us questions at [email protected].

Want the trail announcement emailed to you? Sign up for the trail announcement listserve here!

When: 6:45 PM Thursday, December 21st, 2017. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Cleveland Park Metro, behind California Tortilla (3501 Connecticut Ave., NW) – Use the East side exit and follow marks to start.

Hares: Tuck Tuck Deuce, Red Vag of Courage, I’m Tho Thor, Sorest Rump, You Only Cum Once, and PIO

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to B. It should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug! Be smart, have fun.

Last trains out of Tenleytown Metro

Glenmont 11:19 PM

Shady Grove 11:51 PM

On After: Guapo’s

Specials: Guapo’s special for Jumbo Margaritas = $13.95. Usually $16. Beer specials TBA

For general questions on hashing, email us questions at [email protected].

Want the trail announcement emailed to you? Sign up for the trail announcement listserve here!

Prepare your liver and gird your loins! This week’s hares present The EDubs turns 18 (so maybe Roy Moore will stop bothering us now) Trail!(Alternate themes that did not make cut: “Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1999, “Old guys haring: a date that will live in infamy”, “Running around drinking on a school night” and “Yule log schmuull log, burn it all”)

Cum out and celebrate with a bunch of veteran wankers who may or may not vaguely remember 1999 and when everyday is Wednesday actually hashed on Wednesday.

When: 6:45 PM Thursday December 7th, 2017. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Virginia Square Metro (Orange and Silver lines) — follow marks to start

Hares: Big Bang, Blows A Tranny, Duck Job, Monday Sticky Monday, Put It Out, Wax On Wacks Off and a Mystery Hare!

Miscellaneous Crap: Live A to B trail over hill and dale past more tacky Christmas lights than you can shake your cane at. Multiple stops for merriment in store. Maybe some old school EWH3 traditions too. Bring a lamp cuz it’s dark and bring warm clothes cuz it’s December.

On After: Buffalo Wild Wings (950 N Glebe Rd)

Specials: $4 22 oz domestics & $4 apps 10pm to close

For general questions on hashing, email us questions at [email protected].

Want the trail announcement emailed to you? Sign up for the trail announcement listserve here!

Did you know that male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, but female reindeer don’t? So that ugly sweater you have of humping reindeer is a whole lot kinkier than you thought. And  Thursdayis your chance to wear it! That’s right, for the third year in a row, we are giving you the chance to wear your tackiest, ugliest, or most hideous holiday sweater on a winter wonderland romp through the wilds of Capitol Hill!

When: Thursday November 30th, 2017. Pack away at 7:15

Where: Eastern Market Metro (Blue, Orange, and Silver Lines) – follow marks to start!

Hares: Head Injury, A Midsemester Night’s Cream, Cheech & Dong, Issues & Tissues, La Gingeracha, and Rosetta Bone.

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to A’. No PI was seen whilst scouting.  Runner’s and Walker’s trail is dog friendly.  Walkers’ trail is stroller friendly, and runners’ trail is tough stroller friendly . It should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug! Be smart, have fun.

Last trains out of Potomac Avenue Metro (Blue, Orange, and Silver Lines):

Largo Town Center — 11:49 PM
New Carrollton — 11:50PM
Franconia-Springfield –11:15PM
Vienna — 11:21 PM
Wiehle-Reston East — 11:08 PM

On After:

Specials: If everyone is special, then no one is special.

For general questions on hashing, email us questions at [email protected].

Want the trail announcement emailed to you? Sign up for the trail announcement listserve here!

EWH3 Hash Trash #1027: The Juggalo Trail!

When: 6:45 PM Thursday September 14th, 2017

Where: Braddock Road Metro

Hares: Topher, Dude That Guy, Penis Fly Trap, Maybe It’s Gaybelline

Virgins: Justs Sarah, Cheryl, Brian

Visitors: There were a lot, especially from the Keys. Mostly evacuees actually. Future Wanker, take a moment to Google (or the equivalent of such) Hurricane Irma. It was quite devastating for 2017 standards.

On-After: Joe Theismann’s Restaurant! Featuring $4 rails, $4 drafts, $4 shots! Except it wasn’t.

A juggalo (feminine juggalette, or juggala in Spanish) is a fan of the group Insane Clown Posse or any other Psychopathic Records hip hop group. Now you know!

My, what an evening clowning around Alexandria. Some say that little jaunt across the Bataan Peninsular was cake walk compared to the ordeal suffered by EWH3. Let’s hear of some of the highlights:


One of our visitors, Senior Sodomizing Slut, lamented at his neglecting to keep his watch running. SSS, if you’re looking to time your performance, two minutes is 120 seconds!

With Fall upon us, Cheech & Dong shared her desire for cold weather Hashes so she can disrobe on trail. I guess Winter IS cumming!

The Hares botched “Hi My Name Is Joe” at beginning circle. That begs the question, “what was in their face paint?” “Lead?!”

The Hares also laid so many blind turns they could keep this route for the next “Ray Charles” Trail!

After a long time hiatus to pursue his cycle, Just Georgie, returned to the Hash wearing racist attire!

There was no naming this evening.

On – Wait Wait – On

EWH3 Hash Trash #1015: The Red White and Blue Jello Shots Trail! Thursday, July 6th Courthouse Metro (Orange/SIlver Line)

When: 6:45 PM Thursday June 22nd, 2017. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Courthouse Metro

Hares: All Flash No Drive, Seizure’s Phallus, Nobody Puts Gayby in a Corner, Head Injury, Rear Protein Injection, and Geriatric Mandering

Virgins: Just Simon, Just Chinaz

Visitors: Slut Machine

On After: Continental Pool Lounge


Tuck Tuck Duece is being violated for yelling at Deaf Lesbian to turn back on trail. Tuck, his name is Deaf Lesbian, not Hard of Hearing Lesbian! Guess Tuck’s easily confused, just like Revolutionary War general Israel Putnam.

Our visitors from across the pond, Just Simon and Just Chinaz, were previously banned from White House H3. Why? For trying to start fires!

Maybe It’s Gaybelline was caught on trail getting Eiffel Towered by Diddler and someone else idk it’s been awhile. Anyway, he was just as fucked as General Cornwallis and his Hessian goons at Yorktown!

No Naming.

On-Wait Wait-On