When: Thursday March 15th, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Metro Center – Freedom Plaza!  – Red, Blue, Orange, & Silver Lines

Hares: Colliteral Damage, Deetz Nutz, Poops I did it Again, Cheech & Dong, Happy Poo Year, Maybe it’s Gaybelline, and L’Chymen

Virgins: Just Kyle, Just Rick

Visitors: Lola-palooza, Floppy Attachment

On After: Recessions

Gaining the Luck of the Irish is not as easy as it sounds. The Irish have a lengthy list of good luck charms and bad omens and it’s hard to keep them straight! We need all the help we can get around here, so here’s a list of superstitions and lucky charms you should maybe consider being more aware of.

  1. Four Leaf Clovers: The hares were marking trail with lots of stars, when they should have been using shamrocks!
  2. Lucky Rabbit’s Foot: Actually, “adhering strictly to early tradition, a person in search of luck should carry the foot of a hare.”
  3. If you trip and fall in a graveyard you will most likely die by the end of the year. (Good on Jack for beating this curse.)
  4. Knock On Wood: “To avoid tempting fate after an unfavorable comment, the best thing to do, per superstitions, is to quickly knock on wood for protection. The belief was originated from the Indians of North America … children would touch a tree to signify safety during a game of tag, thus sparking the knock on wood tradition.” I guess no one told Just Morgan. He tripped into a topiary instead. It’s ON wood, not IN wood.
  5. The End of a Rainbow:In order to ensure no humans could take what they now considered their gold, the leprechauns reburied it in pots deep underground all over the island. When rainbows appear, they always end at a spot where some leprechaun’s pot of gold is buried.” Amerigo Vesploogie dressed as a bear. He wasn’t looking for a pot of gold. He wanted a pot of honey.
  6. Blarney Stone: “The legendary Blarney Stone at Ireland’s Blarney Castle attracts visitors who kiss the stone to get the gifts of good luck and eloquence.” I got something else you can kiss, right here..
  7. Lucky Number Seven: I didn’t have seven people in the circle so (insert your own violation here) for General Tso’s Dicken and The Hyperpoop.

Violations for the less lucky:

Eiffel Plow Her plowed his way through a crowd of school girls at the Vietnam War Memorial. Was France even in the Vietnam War?!

On trail, Throbbin’ Hood was outlining the variety he appreciates in dildos. Short & stocky, long & stockier, black & stocky – just stocky things in general. I guess it’s true that the heart wants what it doesn’t have.

General Tso’s Dicken got so excited at all this stock talk that she immediately had to stop at a hot dog stand to put a weiner in her mouth.

Afterwards, Wank Like an Egyptian grilled her for details for a solid three minutes. Wank, if you’re trying so hard to live vicariously through weiners, why not just talk to Throbbin’? (Or.. are you not into stocky dicks?)

Bonus Round! Tragic Carpet Ride

Tragic claims that when he was a young boy, he could lick his own dick. When pressed for a demonstration, Tragic blamed his changing body for the lack of performance. Ok, like we haven’t heard that one before.

Tragic took that childhood baggage and passed it onto an innocent bystander by yelling in a small child’s face “I have herpes in my ass!” Well, that’s a talk that’s happening earlier than his parents planned.

On trail, Tragic tried to direct traffic by yelling, “Wait! Stop!” Don’t you know? Once it starts cumming, you can’t stop it.

Finally, some of you may have noticed that Tragic’s vessel is in the likeness of Sully, from Monster’s Inc. If you haven’t seen the movie, Sully is actually quite like Tragic. They both spend their time trying to make little girls scream, but only succeed in making them laugh.

As luck would have it, the night was clear and the alley was windproof so we gathered close for a solemn occasion..

The Naming of Just Eric

Just Eric (not Allen) hails from Cleveland and was brought to our city in pursuit of a degree from American University. A former drama club director and high school newspaper editor, Just Eric landed a role as Carlos the Pool Boy’s side piece in Legally Blonde: the Musical. Carlos enjoyed rehearsing their make-out scene – his girlfriend was less appreciative. While studying abroad, Just Eric narrowly avoided deportation thanks to a smoking (literally) cougar named Mary. He wants to be the Fabulous Falcon, but also wants to fuck the Fabulous Falcon somehow? Boy, don’t you know that if you fuck someone with the same name, it’s just masturbation? (Disclaimer: this is the part where I got really confused) Just Eric’s dick might be bigger than Bill’s and he definitely owns Bitcoin. He likes it when the number of limbs in a sexual encounter equals either 0 (Nugget Porn?) or 9 (him + starfish). I heard him call Karl Marx “daddy” and immediately tuned out.

Despite her confusion, Poon-apple Juice seamlessly combined his desires to have cucumbers and muppets up his ass by naming him…

(Again, this raises more questions than it answers..)

Alas, we had made it through the ides of St Patrick relatively intact. We departed to remedy that at Recessions.

On – Erin Go Bra-less – On
Poon-apple Juice

 

Bonus Round – Part Two!
So, I’m a hot holy mess and never got around to sending you all…

The Naming of Just Nick

Just Nick, a ginger graduate of Virginia Tech, really likes shrimp and funerals. He once picked someone up at a wake and has stolen a non-zero sum of shellfish from another. If given $200, he would probably just eat it, much like stolen shrimp. He spends his days doing something law adjacent, but used to moonlight in life guarding, geriatric fishing, and pig slaughter. His first butt sex experience was also his worst. It’s been variably painful since. Just Nick keeps a Rolodex of all the dicks he’s met and was kind enough to outline some pretty interesting threesomes for us:

Despite his creative approach to math, it was Just Nick’s penchant for Elon Musk porn and the tale of tackling a turtle with a leaf at a music festival that led Wank Like an Egyptian to name him…

On – “Let’s go home and fuck” – On
Juicy J


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Where: Silver Spring Metro – exit on the bus station side, not the NOAA side. Follow marks to circle!

Hares: Special Head Kid, Pinochi-ho, Cum Dumpling, maybe others

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to A’ (you can easily walk to the metro from End Circle or the On-After). No PI seen by hares, dog friendly, stroller friendly, crippled gimp friendly. Low shiggy. It should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug! Be smart, have fun.

Last trains out of Silver Spring:
to Glenmont at 11:58 PM,
or to Shady Grove 11:12 PM
Red

On After: The Fire Station 1 Restaurant, and Bar at 8131 Georgia Ave, Silver Spring

Specials: There will be some! And there was much rejoicing.


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When: 6:45 PM Thursday, December 21st, 2017. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Cleveland Park Metro, behind California Tortilla (3501 Connecticut Ave., NW) – Use the East side exit and follow marks to start.

Hares: Tuck Tuck Deuce, Red Vag of Courage, I’m Tho Thor, Sorest Rump, You Only Cum Once, and PIO

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to B. It should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug! Be smart, have fun.

Last trains out of Tenleytown Metro

Glenmont 11:19 PM

Shady Grove 11:51 PM

On After: Guapo’s

Specials: Guapo’s special for Jumbo Margaritas = $13.95. Usually $16. Beer specials TBA


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Prepare your liver and gird your loins! This week’s hares present The EDubs turns 18 (so maybe Roy Moore will stop bothering us now) Trail!(Alternate themes that did not make cut: “Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1999, “Old guys haring: a date that will live in infamy”, “Running around drinking on a school night” and “Yule log schmuull log, burn it all”)

Cum out and celebrate with a bunch of veteran wankers who may or may not vaguely remember 1999 and when everyday is Wednesday actually hashed on Wednesday.

When: 6:45 PM Thursday December 7th, 2017. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Virginia Square Metro (Orange and Silver lines) — follow marks to start

Hares: Big Bang, Blows A Tranny, Duck Job, Monday Sticky Monday, Put It Out, Wax On Wacks Off and a Mystery Hare!

Miscellaneous Crap: Live A to B trail over hill and dale past more tacky Christmas lights than you can shake your cane at. Multiple stops for merriment in store. Maybe some old school EWH3 traditions too. Bring a lamp cuz it’s dark and bring warm clothes cuz it’s December.

On After: Buffalo Wild Wings (950 N Glebe Rd)

Specials: $4 22 oz domestics & $4 apps 10pm to close


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Did you know that male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, but female reindeer don’t? So that ugly sweater you have of humping reindeer is a whole lot kinkier than you thought. And  Thursdayis your chance to wear it! That’s right, for the third year in a row, we are giving you the chance to wear your tackiest, ugliest, or most hideous holiday sweater on a winter wonderland romp through the wilds of Capitol Hill!

When: Thursday November 30th, 2017. Pack away at 7:15

Where: Eastern Market Metro (Blue, Orange, and Silver Lines) – follow marks to start!

Hares: Head Injury, A Midsemester Night’s Cream, Cheech & Dong, Issues & Tissues, La Gingeracha, and Rosetta Bone.

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to A’. No PI was seen whilst scouting.  Runner’s and Walker’s trail is dog friendly.  Walkers’ trail is stroller friendly, and runners’ trail is tough stroller friendly . It should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug! Be smart, have fun.

Last trains out of Potomac Avenue Metro (Blue, Orange, and Silver Lines):

Largo Town Center — 11:49 PM
New Carrollton — 11:50PM
Franconia-Springfield –11:15PM
Vienna — 11:21 PM
Wiehle-Reston East — 11:08 PM

On After:
Trusty’s

Specials: If everyone is special, then no one is special.

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EWH3 Hash Trash #1027: The Juggalo Trail!

When: 6:45 PM Thursday September 14th, 2017

Where: Braddock Road Metro

Hares: Topher, Dude That Guy, Penis Fly Trap, Maybe It’s Gaybelline

Virgins: Justs Sarah, Cheryl, Brian

Visitors: There were a lot, especially from the Keys. Mostly evacuees actually. Future Wanker, take a moment to Google (or the equivalent of such) Hurricane Irma. It was quite devastating for 2017 standards.

On-After: Joe Theismann’s Restaurant! Featuring $4 rails, $4 drafts, $4 shots! Except it wasn’t.

A juggalo (feminine juggalette, or juggala in Spanish) is a fan of the group Insane Clown Posse or any other Psychopathic Records hip hop group. Now you know!

My, what an evening clowning around Alexandria. Some say that little jaunt across the Bataan Peninsular was cake walk compared to the ordeal suffered by EWH3. Let’s hear of some of the highlights:

Violations:

One of our visitors, Senior Sodomizing Slut, lamented at his neglecting to keep his watch running. SSS, if you’re looking to time your performance, two minutes is 120 seconds!

With Fall upon us, Cheech & Dong shared her desire for cold weather Hashes so she can disrobe on trail. I guess Winter IS cumming!

The Hares botched “Hi My Name Is Joe” at beginning circle. That begs the question, “what was in their face paint?” “Lead?!”

The Hares also laid so many blind turns they could keep this route for the next “Ray Charles” Trail!

After a long time hiatus to pursue his cycle, Just Georgie, returned to the Hash wearing racist attire!

There was no naming this evening.

On – Wait Wait – On

EWH3 Hash Trash #1015: The Red White and Blue Jello Shots Trail! Thursday, July 6th Courthouse Metro (Orange/SIlver Line)

When: 6:45 PM Thursday June 22nd, 2017. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Courthouse Metro

Hares: All Flash No Drive, Seizure’s Phallus, Nobody Puts Gayby in a Corner, Head Injury, Rear Protein Injection, and Geriatric Mandering

Virgins: Just Simon, Just Chinaz

Visitors: Slut Machine

On After: Continental Pool Lounge

Violations:

Tuck Tuck Duece is being violated for yelling at Deaf Lesbian to turn back on trail. Tuck, his name is Deaf Lesbian, not Hard of Hearing Lesbian! Guess Tuck’s easily confused, just like Revolutionary War general Israel Putnam.

Our visitors from across the pond, Just Simon and Just Chinaz, were previously banned from White House H3. Why? For trying to start fires!

Maybe It’s Gaybelline was caught on trail getting Eiffel Towered by Diddler and someone else idk it’s been awhile. Anyway, he was just as fucked as General Cornwallis and his Hessian goons at Yorktown!

No Naming.

On-Wait Wait-On

EWH3 Hash Trash #1031: The Seventh Anal Pretty Pretty Princess Trail Thursday October 12, 2017

When: 6:45 PM Thursday October 12, 2017

Where: NoMa Metro

Hares: Colliteral Damage, All Flash No Drive, Chokes One Out, Keebler’s Shelf, Fukushemale, You Sucked My Battledick, and Just Rachel

Virgin: Just Sophie

Visitor: Just Jim

On After: Dew Drop Inn

In the context of royalty, a morganatic marriage, sometimes called a left-handed marriage is a marriage between people of unequal social rank, which prevents the passage of the husband’s titles and privileges to the wife and any children born of the marriage.

Violations:

Our virgin, Just Sophie, attended her first hash with EWH3. Guess we’re Sophie’s Choice!

Poon-apple Juice is receiving a commendation for dressing as a unicorn. I suppose she needed a public display of horniness!

Long time Hasher, Dial F, requested Taco Bell for his 369th run. I guess the only way he’ll eat a taco is if the Hash buys one for him!

The Naming of Just Rachel:
Just Rachel is from the whitest of George, spending most of her time in the rural bliss of Barnesville. A precocious teen, Rachel seduced a the comely Kelsey after a breakup and shared with her the wonders of a frozen banana. Frozen cucumbers work better. Rachel once had a boyfriend shake hands with friends after trilling down below. Was this before or after she broke up with him via Skype chat? She’d love to get smashed by Bruce Banner feat. Black Widow, and was once a sub at Taste, Touch, Feel. Her biggest claims to fame are working at Bandcamp, writing humorous articles, and winning the best ass award at White House Campout. In the infancy of naming, she joined the ranks of many wonderful Hashers by being named by the lovely Rosetta Bone. Welcum to the family, A Thong of Ice & Fire!

 

On-MyFavoritePrincessIsPrincessMargaret-On


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It’s that time again! Don your tiara, your hot dog suit, your tutu, your unicorn head – whatever makes you feel like a pretty pretty princess. Glitter that sh*t up and come run around NorthEast with us!

When: 6:45 PM Thursday October 12, 2017. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: NoMa Metro, take the M St exit, follow marks to start

Hares: Colliteral Damage, All Flash No Drive, Chokes One Out, Keebler’s Shelf, Fukushemale, You Sucked My Battledick, and Just Rachel!

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to A’. Dog friendly – debatable at on after. But probably, in view of recent DC Council emergency session. No P.I. Should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug (it gets dark at 7 pm now, guys)! Be smart, have fun.

Last red line trains: Thou hast phone, thou shalt google.

On After: Dew Drop Inn 2801 8th Street NE, Washington, D.C. 20017 (I hear people like it for prelube, but it’s a bit far from start)

Specials: Yea!