On-After: Midlands Beer Garden! and I actually
went! Can’t remember the last time I
went to an on-after. But seriously who
TF thought it was a good idea to unleash hashers on a bar that is serving a
19.5% beer on tap. This morning I was
feeling a little rough (dot) gov
Violations High School Stereotypes
Fat kid: Stain
Gretzky had to make a special request to the brew crew (thanks guys!) for
napkins to clean Cheeto dust out of her fingerprints to unlock her phone and
read her scribe notes.
Slutty cheerleader: Just Ben brought his own nipple tassels and was teaching everyone
in the alley how to use them. Fun fact:
apparently different types of thrashing make them swing in opposite or the same
direction. See ya under the bleachers
Science nerd: Dial F was bragging to everyone on trail that his beehives were
just around the corner. His beehives are
right over there! His beehives are just
ahead! But honestly y’all, I shouldn’t
have been surprised that when we got there, they were smaller than advertised.
Homoerotic jocks: Goldman Ballsachs bent over in the middle of trail to mark a check
and Quid Pro Blow read the nearby
SPEED HUMP sign as a direction to rail Goldman from behind at full speed.
Prom committee: the hares. Trail was highly
advertised, some people kinda dressed up, I drank some booze near a dumpster,
it really wasn’t *that* bad, but it was over pretty quickly and I was left
asking myself “was that it…?”
Running backpack kid: Just David.
The kids your mom definitely doesn’t want you to
hang out with: the hares, who had us
all drinking in public, playing in traffic, seriously contemplating climbing a
rusty fence to break into a muggle’s yard, and doing the exact opposite of
And we had a very solemn occasion for Just Ahren!!! Just Ahren has
been hashing since February and spends his days managing an inbound call center
and telling people to push buttons over the phone. He’s into acroyoga, tumbling, balancing, and “elbow
stuff.” His fetishes include hentai,
social anxiety, and holding his bladder while going through security checkpoints. He’s a slow cooker, both in terms of food and
sex. But because of his preference for
internet porn over IRL stuff, henceforth and forevermore throughout the word of
hashing, Just Ahren shall be known as VOIP
(Vagina Optional, Internet Preferred).
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Visitor: The other DADS, who doesn’t know what
On-After: Freddie’s Beach Bar Bob and Edith’s
Y’all, it was #SquadHoles’
first alpha hare, yay! And for a trail
that put us underground on the nicest Thursday of the year so far, involved repeatedly
running into traffic and an elevator dance sausage party gang bang, and revealed
a concerning number of hashers who don’t know which three colors are on a
stoplight, it was … yeah it was still shitty.
Also, we need to talk about that freaking train DP while I
was trying to do my set in circle. I’m
loud, but not that loud. Rude. Anyway, moving on.
Our walker’s hare L’Chymen walked into a revolving glass door on trail. She may have dyed her hair red, but this Harriette is still a blonde at heart.
Princess Jizzmine decided that road signs are the new LinkedIn and picked out her next career move: 3 men in a truck for $80 an hour. Sold!
Uno, Dos, Tres LIFTOFF! was caught bragging about her GS-14 status. It’s not so much the money we’re concerned about, but the fact that her longest relationship to date has been with Uncle Sam.
#SquadHoles announced via SnapChat (aka his preferred medium for documenting crimes) this week that he is cancelling his adult summer camp due to lack of alcohol permit, a norovirus outbreak, Brexit, and the release of the Mueller Report. He’s been so busy telling everyone how “lit” it was going to be he didn’t realize he had been organizing West Virginia’s very own Fyre Festival. Documentary out on Netflix this fall!
And a big SHAME bell for me for flubbing my period sex joke
about the tunnels of love trail being laid with red and sticky marks. I’m literally named after a menstrual blood
stain. Anyway, we still threw down some
towels and made a mess of that karaoke.
https://www.ewh3.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/EWH3_logo-No-Background.png00Scribehttps://www.ewh3.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/EWH3_logo-No-Background.pngScribe2019-04-25 14:59:082019-04-26 18:29:12EWH3 Hash Trash #1123: The Tunnels of Love Trail
Where: Foggy Bottom Metro (Blue / Orange /
Hares: Deathly Swallows, Fist Pump, Colliteral
Damage, Head Injury, Cheech & Dong, General Tso’s Dicken, and You Sucked My Battledick
Virgins: Just Marissa
On-After: Recessions, you know why
Firstly, a commendation to our Brew Crew, Throbbin Hood and Cum Peg Me, for recruiting underage Mormon missionaries to the hash
before trail even got started by wearing nice little polka dot dresses and
showing off their foggy bottoms in the middle of a college campus.
Shot check hares You Sucked My Battledick and General
Tso’s Dicken celebrated their trail marriage with the breaking of a glass…bottle
of Evan Williams. Battledick rushed off
to the liquor store nearby and saved the day before the runners came. I sure wish that *my* significant other knew he
should go to the liquor store before I come!
Birthday bitch Deathly Swallows and fellow hare Colliteral Damage were clocked in their delightful polka dot aprons. You know what they say, dots in the front,
slots in the back. That definitely made
my dough rise.
I think the
hares got a little confused and thought that this trail was actually the
Boozy Horror Brunch Trail we had back in October… we got lost in the dark,
there was broken glass everywhere, and we encountered a playground with no kids
on it… just Sphincter Shy, shirtless.
Deuce was overheard complaining about trail, per usual, presumably because
someone other than him was getting attention for getting older.
wanted people to closely observe his infectious looking spread of chest polka
dots – watch out unless you want to catch the pox! The anti-vaxxers might be concerned, but frankly,
I’d be lucky if measles was the worst thing I caught from fucking him.
No naming, just a very happy birthday to Deathly Swallows!