When: Thursday, March 14, 2019

Where:  Dupont Circle Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Poon-apple Juice, Throbbin’ Hood, Mourning Wood, General Tso’s Dicken, Schrodinger’s Micropenis

Virgins:  Just Patrick, Just John, Just Elliot, Just Fernando, Just Catherine, Just Joaquin, Just Marissa, Just Julia

Visitor:  Virgin Mobile (Jolly Roger H3), Tits for Tots (Kampala, but formerly of EWH3!)

On-After:  Recessions

It was a gorgeous night in DC and the weather brought out so many fair-weather hashers the pack was positively engorged.  #SquadHoles said it was the biggest he’d ever seen.  Speaking of things I saw on trail…

Violations!!!

  • Our wonderful virgins Just Marissa & Just Julia shared in opening circle that a “Historical Bar Dude” from 8 months ago made them cum.  Props to him for being able to make ladies cum 8 months after the fact, and also to them for being cold blooded bitches and not remembering the name of someone who made both of them cum.
  • The hares were violated for spending too much time watching American Pie and not planning trail.  They literally fucked up pi… on pi day… on a pi trail.  If I wanted to get fucked by a pie, I’d just wander around the bakery section of the Unsafeway.
  • Shout out to Texas Hold Him who responded to my complaint that the hares fucked up pi by four digits in by clarifying that to him it’s not fucking unless you’re *at least* four digits in.
  • Cum Peg Me got so deep into his exploration of Asian culture that he came out Mexican?  (It’s a visual joke, he was wearing a serape.)  Also, his several month vacation on the other side of the world wasn’t enough to scrub the DC all the way out of him because I caught him not once, not once, but three times networking for a job on trail.  If I have to hear the phrase “comms director” one more time…
  • SchroCo was busted for naming his dick Google – I literally caught the man shouting at his own crotch “Hey Google, what temperature is it outside?” but despite being skimpily dressed like a sad Dobby cosplay I still couldn’t find it.  Was anybody else feeling lucky?  However, SchroCo should clearly name his junk Uber.  Everybody gets a ride, even though it’s only 3.14 stars…
  • And finally, for all you illiterate philistines who didn’t appreciate my In The Night Kitchen joke about Throbbin’ Hood’s gaping bathrope and missing toque, read a goddamn book.
get it now??

No naming, but plenty of Wawa got stuffed in the ole pie hole if ya know what I mean…

On – 69 degrees in March!! – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, March 15, 2019

Where:  Francis Scott Key Park, Rosslyn Metro (Orange / Blue / Silver Line)

Hares:  PIO, Brokeback Mama, COXXX On Demand, Seizure’s Phallus, and Sally The Jizz Hound

Virgins:  none, they all froze

Visitors:  Three Amigos from OTH (which is Pudjam, u guys)

  • Radioactive Cum Swallower
  • Genghis Anus
  • Abuela Mastabata

On-After:  Mr. Smith’s (ew)

It was cold as fuck that night and I think the hash’s humor well pretty much froze over, so not much to offer here…

Violations

  • Just Dexter The Dog had to be carried up the second half of the Exorcist stairs.  What a bitch.
  • The hares broke Lent tradition and instead of laying a fishy trail it was a full-on sausage fest.
  • #SquadHoles thought that this trail through a college campus was really awesome but it left his knees really sad.  I hear ya buddy, my knees hadn’t felt that bad since the last time I was on a college campus.
  • And I would be remiss if I did not draw attention to the fact that Throbbin’ Hood thought Abuela Mastabata was Maybe It’s Gaybelline.

Enough of that shit, we had a very solemn occasion on this frigid night…… A NAMING!!!!

Meet Just Alex, he works for the government and has three degrees, which explains why he is a triple bottom engineer.  He’s from West Philly and ended up on the stage because he sucks at sports.  He’s masturbated to completion while driving a car and shit himself at work after a long bike commute.  He got a boner in math class and the worst thing he’s ever put up his butt was a butt plug 3 sizes too big.  After it was clearly established that we were going with a butt name, suggestions like Eyes Bigger Than My Anus and Department of the Posterior were floated (and my personal favorite, Scrooge McButt), but given his love of engineering and straight up rearing, henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing, Just Alex shall be known as Deep Anal Hoerizon.

On – boots n shats n boots n shats – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Valentine’s Day, Thursday, February 14, 2019

Where:  Georgia Ave / Petworth Metro (Green / Yellow Line)

Hares:  Melabonin, Basement Boy Toy, Red Dong, Zombie, Just Kevin and Just Ez, Just Surak, and maybe a mystery hare! 

Virgins:  Justs Mia, Chelsea, Valdilia, Aaron

Visitor:  B.D.S.Amateur from Beijing H3

On-After:  Don Juan’s Restaurant

Y’all, I thought this was going to be a Valentine’s Day Trail but it was more like a February 15th aka Discount Chocolate Day Trail that was technically still in theme but was also too little too late, totally in shambles, and definitely resulted in me eating cheese in the dark on the floor in my kitchen.  Shout out to SchroCo for sharing his 200th Run Fireball.

Violations, and literally every single one is about how shitty trail was:

  • Melabonin, birthday girl and alpha hare extraordinare, generously allowed the entire pack to use Basement Boy Toys’ rear entrance halfway through trail.
  • I felt personally victimized by the lack of Valentine’s gifts left for me in the woods while I was alone going full Blair Witch Project with virgin Just Mia.  I didn’t need jewelry, lingerie, chocolates or any of that from the hares, all this girl needed was some flours.
  • Tonight’s trail definitely felt like a surprise orgy hosted by the hares.  We were all in the dark together and I didn’t really know where I was going or what was happening but I was definitely getting fucked.
  • Tonight’s trail felt less like a Valentine’s Day Trail and more like a David’s Bridal Super Black Friday Sale.  Every bitch for themselves and so help me god if you get in my way.
  • Tonight’s trail felt like one of those variety sampler boxes of candy where you just bite into them with blind trust and you’re just like please god please god no nuts.
  • And most important, hashy birthday, fuck you, to Melabonin!

Also, no naming, we were already inside the bar, and OMG DID YOU SIGN UP FOR WIE YET????

On – cheese is my Valentine – on,

Stain Gretzky