When: Thursday, July 30, 2020
Where: Fort Totten Park
Hares: Son, What the Fuck & Schrodinger’s Cock
Brew Crew: Bitches Give Stitches
Transplant?: Just Alex

Beer! It’s our favorite beverage, but how do you choose the right one? Take our quiz below to find out!

  1. The trail has a theme. Do you..
    a. Start Amazon shopping as soon as the announcement goes out.
    b. Dig through the costume box for something that will work.
    c. Hashing isn’t for costumes.
  2. There’s a cute new virgin on trail. How do you say hello?
    a. Flash them.
    b. Offer them a beer.
    c.Ignore them completely until they’re named.
  3. Uh oh! You spy a pair of new shoes! Who do you do?
    a. Tell the RA – I can’t wait for them to get called out.
    b. Quietly pull them aside and show them how to scuff them up a bit.
    c. I don’t have time for childish antics like that.
  4. It’s time for violations! You get called into circle. How do you react?
    a. With glee! I bounce into the circle and happily prepare my down-down
    b. With terror! I just want to drink my beer and laugh. Why is everyone looking at me?
    c. I don’t. I left before circle started.

Tally up your responses and read below to find out your beer-it animal.

Mostly A’s: A fun loving pilsner! You’re bright and effervescent, with a crisp wit and a bit of lightheartedness. Go on and grab yourself a nice pils – wait.. the brew crew only brought Bud Heavy? Guess that’s what you’re drinking.

Mostly B’s: A Red Ale! A little sweet and usually a bit toasted, you like to keep to the sidelines and enjoy life as a spectator. You deserve a malty red during circle. Brew crew, get this wanker a – oh.. there’s only Bud Heavy. Sure, that works too.

Mostly C’s: An Aggressive IPA! You have taste, but like to take things seriously. A little bitter, but that doesn’t take away from your charm. Ask the brew crew for an IPA to quench your – right.. Bud Heavy.. Got it.

Violations

Our RA, Schrodinger’s Cock was violated for bringing all the water, but none of the barley, yeast, or hops.

Sir Lance-a-Little had fun playing dress up, using his mask to give the appearance of both beauty AND brains.

Despite the super clear d’erections, Just Alex couldn’t find start. If he’s this lost before trail, I can’t imagine what else is alluding him.

The Cumburglar stuck his hands where they don’t belong, proving that he, too, needs more specific instruction.

9021-ho took it slow as he poured his beer… right into a brand new shoe.

When what to my wandering eyes did appear, but a very solemn occasion…

The Naming of Just Kirsten

Despite the fact that she isn’t quite sure how to drink beer, Just Kirsten has made it to 30 trails at Everyday is Wednesday. This is almost ten more than the number of teeth in her possession mouth. No stranger to doing the most, JK has fucked across the entirety of the Virginia Tech campus, earning her a triple crown, a broken finger, and a deep distrust of uncircumcised penises. Just Kirsten learned to read in third grade, which explains why she ignores so many warning signs. A true Black-out Cat with a love of yarn, Just Kirsten always lands on her feet, even when falling from a bar balcony. Way too many names were nominated, but in the end it was your lovely stunt scribe Poon-apple Juice who christened her…

Soggy and jubilent, we dispersed to our homes for beer, beer, and more beer (but this time with less bugs and drier butts)..

On – Thanks, Ray! – ON
Poon-apple Juice

WHEN: Thursday, June 25th, 2020

WHERE: Garfield Park (HOLY SHIT, NOT *MY* HOUSE?!)

HARES: Poon-Apple Juice, Schrödinger’s Cock

So there I was… quarantined for 104 days, only leaving my house to beer and other necessary supplies like liquor and hard seltzer, trapped in the darkest recesses of my mind in an existential quandary that would drive Nietzsche insane and strike terror into H.P Lovecraft for being too horrific, blistering my hands from masturbating too much (protip: hand sanitizer does not make good lube)…

WHEN SUDDENLY… OUT OF THE DARKNESS… A TRAIL ANNOUNCEMENT!

Actual reaction we all had to the idea of human contact

That’s right, it was our FIRST REAL-LIFE TRAIL in over an astronomical season! Since it was June 25th, the theme was Halfway to Christmas! Only six more months, or two more quarantines, until we get to open presents and argue with shitty relatives!

Santa’s not the ONLY one cumming…

Given that it had been 3 months since our last trail, a LOT of us were rusty and forgot how trail worked, and we did some STUPID shit:

  • Schrödinger’s Cock was violated for being overheard on trail saying “It’s too thick for my face, I can’t breathe!” Buddy, you’re not supposed to breathe, you’re supposed suck!
  • Poon Apple Juice was violated for being overheard at beer check saying to Schrödinger’s Cock “I’m gonna let you go first,” as if we all didn’t already know SchröCo would finish first anyway…

Even the cummendations came with a healthy dose of snark:

  • GPS was “cummended” for doing his part to keep the pack socially distanced on trail by solving checks by himself without telling the rest of the pack that he was ON-ON.
  • Just Kirsten was “cummended” for not getting hit by a car. Usually when I set the bar THAT low, I regret whatever I wake up next to.
Then again, when they wake up, they have regrets too…

Things got even worse at End Circle…

  • Schrödinger’s Cock and Close Encounters of the Turd Kind were violated for screwing up their jobs at End Circle. Look, I know that dry spells can leave you out of practice, but at a certain point it’s just embarrassing…
  • Tony Panda was violated for being SO excited to legally try out his brand new vape pen in DC, but as soon as he pulled it out, he broke it. On the bright side, it’s least it’s not the WORST thing that can happen when you fuck up pulling something out.
  • Although we missed a TON of birthdays during the quarantine, we had MANY to celebrate on trail this week, including Shamrock Your Cock, Poon Apple Juice, Deetz Nuts, and The Cumburglar. We were unable to pour any fluids on the birthday people due to social distancing rules, but know that just because we couldn’t shame you with our eyes, we will ALWAYS shame you in our hearts.

The pack as a whole was not spared for their transgressions:

  • GROUP VIOLATION: Everyone who showed up to the first post-quarantine trail but didn’t post any pictures in the Google Albums or join any of the Zoom Circles. Seriously, who the hell ARE you people? Show me your genitals, you long-time-no-seeum!
  • GROUP VIOLATION: Everyone who forgot their hash necklaces. Come on, I know you’ve spent most of the last three months naked at home, don’t you feel naked without it?

ON-I FORGET WHAT “ON-ON” IS-ON

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

WHEN: Thursday, June 18th, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: You!

Buckle up, butternuts, it’s time for your Scribe Report! Pride was canceled, it’s time for Gay Wrath Month! That’s right, the Gay Agenda is in full effect this month, so all of us straight people better watch out! The Gays are COMING for you, and your FAMILY! If you’re not careful, they’re gonna… hold on, lemme check my notes… ask for equality in the workplace, to not be assaulted in bathrooms, and not being told they aren’t people… I MEAN HOW AWFUL!!

3 Fab Reasons to Build a LGBT Workplace Inclusion Policy | RBM Blog

And clogging up our roads with traffic!

And since Virginia suddenly declared tomorrow a state holiday and I have the day off, you all can join me as I suck down this rainbow assortment of hard seltzer! Let’s fuckin’ GO!!

Despite it being a joyous week for a LOT of people with two HUGE Supreme Court decisions, some of you wankers decided to fuck things up this week, and for that, people got violated.

VIOLATIONS:

  • Schrödinger’s Cock is being violated for trying to place rules on our group chat. Listen, Lumbergh, we’re not faxing those TPS reports to you because YOU’RE NOT OUR SUPERVISOR! I’m gonna send dick pics to WHOMEVER I please.

    Best Lumbergh GIFs | Gfycat

    Yeeeaaahh, this is a call to HR waiting to happen…

  • Piling on, Schrödinger’s Cock and Poon Apple Juice were violated for ruining pancakes for me FOREVER! You know what I saw, it’s all YOUR fault, and I’m never watching another amateur porn film festival with you AGAIN until two days from now, I already RSVPed, can’t wait.
  • Sir Lancelittle was violated for joining a pack of r*nners and deciding to walk. Come on you tall-ass bitch, what the fuck, use those long-ass legs to keep up instead of holding us short people back! #HeightPrivilege
  • Just Kirsten was violated for bringing warm beer to her quaranteam EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. Maybe the reason why you haven’t been named yet is because you don’t know what a goddamn cooler is!
  • Deetz Nutz is being violated for being a witch who is going to melt in the rain. Look, I don’t know who submitted that violation, but since it’s Pride Month, I wouldn’t mind if Deetz melted like butter all over me while Edward Sissy Hands licked it off. Look at those dreamy eyes, the Gay Agenda has TAKEN ME!

Sexy arms, yummy chests and lick-worthy abs on tour | Page 24 | Mens Tennis Forums

Re-enactment of me being taken by the Gay Agenda

  • Headshart is being violated for breaking international laws, destroying the environment, and upsetting the delicate ecosystem of an African savannah. For the love of God Headshart, you HAVE to give Pride Rock back to the Lion King.
  • Everyone who doesn’t own Rainbow attire in 2020. Even if you’re a terrible person and hate gay people, you probably believe you’re a descendant of Noah, and the rainbow was pretty fuckin’ important to him and his family.

But it wasn’t all bad! Some of you wankers really came through this week!

CUMMENDATIONS:

  • Cocktease Falcon was cummended for finally leaving her house for trail! For the past 12 weeks we had to check to see if she was re-using photos (Verdict: GUILTY!), but not this time! Time stamped today and everything!
  • Geriatric Mandering was cummended for her dedication to rigorously following the scientific method in pursuit of experimentation and finishing her bottle of champagne. We’re so proud of your dependability! When someone hands you something long and hard, you suck it down until it’s dry!
  • And finally, a great big commendation, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you who have let me perform terrible virtual standup comedy for you every single week throughout this time of global and national upheaval. Thank you all, and I hope to God for all of your sakes we don’t have to do this for much longer.

On-“I just assume everyone in EWH3 is pansexual and polyamorous until told otherwise”-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind