WHEN: Thursday, June 25th, 2020

WHERE: Garfield Park (HOLY SHIT, NOT *MY* HOUSE?!)

HARES: Poon-Apple Juice, Schrödinger’s Cock

So there I was… quarantined for 104 days, only leaving my house to beer and other necessary supplies like liquor and hard seltzer, trapped in the darkest recesses of my mind in an existential quandary that would drive Nietzsche insane and strike terror into H.P Lovecraft for being too horrific, blistering my hands from masturbating too much (protip: hand sanitizer does not make good lube)…

WHEN SUDDENLY… OUT OF THE DARKNESS… A TRAIL ANNOUNCEMENT!

Actual reaction we all had to the idea of human contact

That’s right, it was our FIRST REAL-LIFE TRAIL in over an astronomical season! Since it was June 25th, the theme was Halfway to Christmas! Only six more months, or two more quarantines, until we get to open presents and argue with shitty relatives!

Santa’s not the ONLY one cumming…

Given that it had been 3 months since our last trail, a LOT of us were rusty and forgot how trail worked, and we did some STUPID shit:

  • Schrödinger’s Cock was violated for being overheard on trail saying “It’s too thick for my face, I can’t breathe!” Buddy, you’re not supposed to breathe, you’re supposed suck!
  • Poon Apple Juice was violated for being overheard at beer check saying to Schrödinger’s Cock “I’m gonna let you go first,” as if we all didn’t already know SchröCo would finish first anyway…

Even the cummendations came with a healthy dose of snark:

  • GPS was “cummended” for doing his part to keep the pack socially distanced on trail by solving checks by himself without telling the rest of the pack that he was ON-ON.
  • Just Kirsten was “cummended” for not getting hit by a car. Usually when I set the bar THAT low, I regret whatever I wake up next to.
Then again, when they wake up, they have regrets too…

Things got even worse at End Circle…

  • Schrödinger’s Cock and Close Encounters of the Turd Kind were violated for screwing up their jobs at End Circle. Look, I know that dry spells can leave you out of practice, but at a certain point it’s just embarrassing…
  • Tony Panda was violated for being SO excited to legally try out his brand new vape pen in DC, but as soon as he pulled it out, he broke it. On the bright side, it’s least it’s not the WORST thing that can happen when you fuck up pulling something out.
  • Although we missed a TON of birthdays during the quarantine, we had MANY to celebrate on trail this week, including Shamrock Your Cock, Poon Apple Juice, Deetz Nuts, and The Cumburglar. We were unable to pour any fluids on the birthday people due to social distancing rules, but know that just because we couldn’t shame you with our eyes, we will ALWAYS shame you in our hearts.

The pack as a whole was not spared for their transgressions:

  • GROUP VIOLATION: Everyone who showed up to the first post-quarantine trail but didn’t post any pictures in the Google Albums or join any of the Zoom Circles. Seriously, who the hell ARE you people? Show me your genitals, you long-time-no-seeum!
  • GROUP VIOLATION: Everyone who forgot their hash necklaces. Come on, I know you’ve spent most of the last three months naked at home, don’t you feel naked without it?

ON-I FORGET WHAT “ON-ON” IS-ON

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

WHEN: Thursday, April 16th, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: You!

On April 12th, 1961, Yuri Gagarin became the first human to orbit the Earth! EWH3 celebrated this by getting drunk, running around on our own personal trails, and posting about our separate adventures on this week’s Google album.

Yuri Gagarin | World History Amino
“Fuck this whole planet, I’m leaving!” – Yuri Gagarin, April 12th, 1961

Despite all of us being in isolation, a lot of us did dumb things that we had to make fun of at our Virtual Circle. Violations included:

  • Roll Over Bitch was violated for being an attention whore. I’m not sure how you made your picture the top one of the album, but I guess that means you were top of the class at Space Cadet Academy.
  • Kooter Kunte was violated for overwhelming pent-up sexual frustration. She just had to get outside and ride the biggest log she could find. In her defense… she did buy it snacks afterwards.
  • Head Injury was violated for posting a sticker that says “You’re beautiful.” Nothing makes me want to puke more than the thought of listening to James Blunt. I had almost forgotten about him, but you had to make my day worse. Speaking of puking…
  • Poon Tang Clan was violated because of reports that somehow she ended up puking on her personal virtual trail. She must have been conducting microgravity research if she ended up riding the Vomit Comet.
Vomit Comet (With images) | Archer, Gif, Animated gif
Artist’s interpretation of Poon Tang Clan‘s virtual hash experience.
  • We didn’t need to violate Around the World in 80 Lays because she got violated by Just John in the shower. I hope he stuffed harder than you stuffed that cornish hen!
  • Colliteral Damage was violated just for being a literal fuckface.
  • Geriatric Mandering was violated for being so over isolation that she traveled all the way to British property just to take a leak. That gives new meaning to the phrase “crossing the pond,” especially when you’re filling it with piss.
  • Scröodinger’s Cock was violated for not recognizing Close Encounters of the Turd Kind‘s out-of-this-world ass.
  • Just Kirsten, Deetz Nuts, and Mourning Wood were violated for being creepers and doing virtual circle from outside of #Squadholes and Tik Tok It’s Dick O’Clock‘s apartment window.
Image - 249988] | Do The Creep | Know Your Meme
  • Bitches Give Stitches was violated for being the worst Brewmeister in EWH3 history, because since he started he hasn’t actually done his job once!
  • GROUP VIOLATION: Everyone who didn’t file taxes on or before April 15th. Hooray extensions on assignments!

It wasn’t all dumb shenanigans though. No circle would be complete without a few cummendations:

  • Poon Apple Juice was cummended for going through great efforts to achieve mission success. She went out of this world to get her hands on some pussy. Hope it tastes good!
  • Knocked Up was cummended for keeping my shitty joke of exclusively drinking Corona going during this pandemic even after I ran out last week.

ON-Don’t ever visit r/spacedicks-ON

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

WHEN: Thursday, April 9th, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: YOU!

VIRGINS: None

VISITORS: By the Power of Gayskull

Alright, buckle up, butternuts, it’s time for your (virtual) scribe report! It’s National Unicorn Day–no the REAL unicorns, not just bisexuals who are DTF with curious couples–and global pandemics aren’t going to keep us hashers from being fabulous! Check out the Google Photos Album to see how crazy we all got while social distancing before circling up via Zoom.

However, despite easy instructions on how to hare your own trail, some of you committed violations and were called out for it.

  • First up, we had to violate Pinnochi-Ho and Split Her Bare for abusing the elderly. I can’t believe they made Geriatric come to them for the alcohol delivery! And Pinnochi-Ho, I don’t even care about Split Her Bare’s innovative delivery mechanics, a true gentleman goes downstairs for a lady.
  • Next up, Edward Sissy Hands is being violated for not following theme taxonomy. In his picture, he’s got a beer for dragons, a stuffed gnome, and a human bard, but no unicorns. This isn’t a goddamn D&D campaign, this is HASHING, we have a reputation to uphold, you need to take this more seriously!
  • Up next, we have to violate Poon Tang Clan… for being a fucking RACIST!!! Don’t act like we don’t see that “I Run Disney” shirt, this is HASHING, we have a reputation to uphold, you need to take this less seriously!

Also, just because we’re doing all this virtually doesn’t mean we’re allowed to slack off on our regular duties. Like I said before, we have a reputation to uphold!

  • We have to violate Cocktease Falcon for not attending (even virtually) the hash that she was supposed to hare. I’d call her a cocktease but… we kinda already did that.
  • Throbbin Hood, don’t act like you’re getting out of a violation for wearing new shoes on trail. You’re going to pour beer in your own shoes for us, and we’re going to watch you like the camwhore you are!

Alright, let’s take a break from how awful you people are and make some commendations.

  • First up, we have to commend Head Injury for bringing us the new 2020 Pandemic Chic look! Don’t worry, no one else notices it’s the exact same as 2019’s Robbing a Liquor Store Panache!
  • We have to commend Ready Player None for that dystopian German Dungeon unicorn look, Poon Apple Juice for that KEY-LIGHTFUL unicorn onesie, as well as Headshart for that “I have daddy issues” look.
  • Speaking of good looking, we have to commend F.A.R.T. for that sick Corona unicorn head. That looks amazing! It’s certainly a more innovative and fun way to get brown-bagged by Jigglytits. At least now you have a face they want to sit on!

ON-“Why do I always have a dildo on my face?“-ON

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind