When: Thursday, May 23, 2019

Where:  Georgia Ave / Petworth Metro (Yellow / Green Line)

Hares:  Scooter Cunte, Roll Over, Bitch!, Heaven’s Gape, Tragic Carpet Ride, Slut Machine, and Barebackin’ Pearls

Virgins:  Justs David, Hailey, and Lexy

Visitor:  Snap, Crackle, POOP! (he homeless) and Barebackin’ Pearls (yay transplant!)

On-After:  Midlands Beer Garden! and I actually went!  Can’t remember the last time I went to an on-after.  But seriously who TF thought it was a good idea to unleash hashers on a bar that is serving a 19.5% beer on tap.  This morning I was feeling a little rough (dot) gov

Violations High School Stereotypes

  • Fat kid: Stain Gretzky had to make a special request to the brew crew (thanks guys!) for napkins to clean Cheeto dust out of her fingerprints to unlock her phone and read her scribe notes.
  • Slutty cheerleader: Just Ben brought his own nipple tassels and was teaching everyone in the alley how to use them.  Fun fact: apparently different types of thrashing make them swing in opposite or the same direction.  See ya under the bleachers later!
  • Science nerd: Dial F was bragging to everyone on trail that his beehives were just around the corner.  His beehives are right over there!  His beehives are just ahead!  But honestly y’all, I shouldn’t have been surprised that when we got there, they were smaller than advertised.
  • Homoerotic jocks: Goldman Ballsachs bent over in the middle of trail to mark a check and Quid Pro Blow read the nearby SPEED HUMP sign as a direction to rail Goldman from behind at full speed.
  • Prom committee: the hares.  Trail was highly advertised, some people kinda dressed up, I drank some booze near a dumpster, it really wasn’t *that* bad, but it was over pretty quickly and I was left asking myself “was that it…?”
  • Running backpack kid: Just David.
  • The kids your mom definitely doesn’t want you to hang out with: the hares, who had us all drinking in public, playing in traffic, seriously contemplating climbing a rusty fence to break into a muggle’s yard, and doing the exact opposite of following instructions.

And we had a very solemn occasion for Just Ahren!!!  Just Ahren has been hashing since February and spends his days managing an inbound call center and telling people to push buttons over the phone.  He’s into acroyoga, tumbling, balancing, and “elbow stuff.”  His fetishes include hentai, social anxiety, and holding his bladder while going through security checkpoints.  He’s a slow cooker, both in terms of food and sex.  But because of his preference for internet porn over IRL stuff, henceforth and forevermore throughout the word of hashing, Just Ahren shall be known as VOIP (Vagina Optional, Internet Preferred).

On – On Wednesdays we wear tetanus – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, April 25, 2019

Where:  Pentagon City Metro (Yellow / Blue Line)

Hares:  #SquadHoles, #SquadHoles’ hover board, Poon-apple Juice, L’Chymen, and Heaven’s Gape

Virgins:  none

Visitor:  The other DADS, who doesn’t know what PUDJAM is

On-After:  Freddie’s Beach Bar Bob and Edith’s Diner

Y’all, it was #SquadHoles’ first alpha hare, yay!  And for a trail that put us underground on the nicest Thursday of the year so far, involved repeatedly running into traffic and an elevator dance sausage party gang bang, and revealed a concerning number of hashers who don’t know which three colors are on a stoplight, it was … yeah it was still shitty.

Also, we need to talk about that freaking train DP while I was trying to do my set in circle.  I’m loud, but not that loud.  Rude.  Anyway, moving on.

Violations

  • Our walker’s hare L’Chymen walked into a revolving glass door on trail.  She may have dyed her hair red, but this Harriette is still a blonde at heart.
  • Princess Jizzmine decided that road signs are the new LinkedIn and picked out her next career move: 3 men in a truck for $80 an hour.  Sold!
  • Uno, Dos, Tres LIFTOFF! was caught bragging about her GS-14 status.  It’s not so much the money we’re concerned about, but the fact that her longest relationship to date has been with Uncle Sam.
  • #SquadHoles announced via SnapChat (aka his preferred medium for documenting crimes) this week that he is cancelling his adult summer camp due to lack of alcohol permit, a norovirus outbreak, Brexit, and the release of the Mueller Report.  He’s been so busy telling everyone how “lit” it was going to be he didn’t realize he had been organizing West Virginia’s very own Fyre Festival.  Documentary out on Netflix this fall!

And a big SHAME bell for me for flubbing my period sex joke about the tunnels of love trail being laid with red and sticky marks.  I’m literally named after a menstrual blood stain.  Anyway, we still threw down some towels and made a mess of that karaoke.

On – I petted so many dogs last night – on,

Stain Train

When: Thursday, April 18, 2019

Where:  Foggy Bottom Metro (Blue / Orange / Silver Line)

Hares:  Deathly Swallows, Fist Pump, Colliteral Damage, Head Injury, Cheech & Dong, General Tso’s Dicken, and You Sucked My Battledick

Virgins:  Just Marissa

Visitor:  none!

On-After:  Recessions, you know why

Violations

  • Firstly, a commendation to our Brew Crew, Throbbin Hood and Cum Peg Me, for recruiting underage Mormon missionaries to the hash before trail even got started by wearing nice little polka dot dresses and showing off their foggy bottoms in the middle of a college campus.
  • Shot check hares You Sucked My Battledick and General Tso’s Dicken celebrated their trail marriage with the breaking of a glass…bottle of Evan Williams.  Battledick rushed off to the liquor store nearby and saved the day before the runners came.  I sure wish that *my* significant other knew he should go to the liquor store before I come!
  • Birthday bitch Deathly Swallows and fellow hare Colliteral Damage were clocked in their delightful polka dot aprons.  You know what they say, dots in the front, slots in the back.  That definitely made my dough rise.
  • I think the hares got a little confused and thought that this trail was actually the Boozy Horror Brunch Trail we had back in October… we got lost in the dark, there was broken glass everywhere, and we encountered a playground with no kids on it… just Sphincter Shy, shirtless.
  • Tuck Tuck Deuce was overheard complaining about trail, per usual, presumably because someone other than him was getting attention for getting older.
  • SchroCo wanted people to closely observe his infectious looking spread of chest polka dots – watch out unless you want to catch the pox!  The anti-vaxxers might be concerned, but frankly, I’d be lucky if measles was the worst thing I caught from fucking him.

No naming, just a very happy birthday to Deathly Swallows!

On – Naturdays are the new Everyday – on,

Stain Gretzky