Hares: Cum Dumpling, CoXXX on Demand, Shamrock Your Cock, Silver Spooge, Saskatchewsnatch
Brew Crew: Brokeback Mama, Return to Ender
Virgins: Just Ed, Abby, Alex, Matt, Erica, and James
Visitors: Anchor Spanker (New Orleans H3)
It’s that time of year again, time for the 5th(?) Anal I-Did-a-Dawg, in which wankers form teams, dress in costumes, and push one team member in a “sled” on trail. Out of the 100ish wankers to show up to the pack, there were only 3 teams: Wizard of Paws (the hares, and if you can’t guess what their theme is, you need more help than I can possibly give you), Slick ‘n’ Slide (a big chunk of mismanagement, dressed like the BP oil spill), and Arizona (complete with dudes in ponchos and one guy in Super Trooper shorts, but lacking a “sled”). Unlike every other hash, there wasn’t an actual trail that was marked: instead, the hares would tell the pack to go to a certain intersection, and everyone would run there and wait until the hares, slowed by their need to push a team member in a “sled,” caught up. And wow, let me tell you, the hash is so much easier and more fun when, rather than running, you’re being pushed in a wheelchair that’s tilted back onto its rear wheels. Whee! Though I can’t help but wonder how many tourists and other muggles thought that I was an actual handicapped person, being cruelly tortured by my teammates. After running to a few different corners around the Hill, the pack ended up in an alley for beer check, and miraculously, I could walk again!
The second half ran the same way as the first, with the pack waiting for the hares to give directions to the next corner. This time around, though, the hares had broken their “sled,” leaving only Team Slick ‘n’ Slide with a vehicle. The team took me for a nice, short (too short) ride to end circle in Garfield Park, where I regained the ability to walk to the beer once again.
Tony Panda wore brand new drinking vessels.
Silver Spooge, while holding the tornado that was attached to Team Wizard of Paws’ cart, said, “It’s sucking me!” That’s the most action he’s gotten all year.
Motor Mouth and Put It Out tried and failed to pick up female kickball players–a difficult feat, since those girls are even easier than harriettes!
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made a gas chamber joke to Vienna Sausage. Too soon!
Just Brian had phone sex on trail. Wait, no, he was just looking up directions to the next stop. And the directions he got were wrong.
The hares, because this was the first trail where it was ok to just follow the pack.
Clappy Birthday is moving to the other Washington, to be with the girl who gave him the clap.
Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me said that I’m Lick James, Bitch! should join Team Slick ‘n’ Slide because, like the oil slick, he’s shiny and black.
Violations from the Crowd:
Team Slick ‘n’ Slide dressed as the BP oil spill, even though there was a visitor from NOLA. Too soon!
Tits for Tots got walked in on while changing–she was pantsless–and immediately fell down with her legs up in the air.
6 Pigs in a Blanket was heard saying, “It’s usually filled with fags.” We can only assume she was talking about her vagina.
Cum Dumpling busted out of his dress despite not actually having boobs.
PIO stole Moby’s, oops, I mean RPI’s, hat.
Choke ’em if you Got ’em and Me Chub You Long Time returned from Afghanistan. Welcome back, boys!
John 3:69 likes them short and sweet.
Tits for Tots needed help squeezing poles.
PIO was wearing dog ears on trail, and the older you get, the more they sag.
A Salt My Ass was complaining about how he’s getting fat–he could always re-enlist in the Marines and then he’d get skinny like Choke ‘Em and Me Chub You Long Time.
I’m Lick James, Bitch! brought a bag so big that you could fit a small child inside it.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Tom is from Minnesota, so, naturally, he likes big women. He attended St. Louis University, the mascot of which is the Millikin, which is some magical creature that looks like the love child of an elf and the Buddha, and majored in political science and international studies. He now works for Head Start and as a barista and is vegetarian, so his belly is all from beer. Just Tom lost his virginity when he ws 16, to a 17-year-old, in a seedy Wisconsin hotel. He once called a girl by his ex-girlfriend’s name during sex. Oops. Just Tom can’t decide whether he prefers The Lion King or Aladdin, but he does like turkeys, cowgirl sex, and amateur porn (though he hasn’t made any–his roommate, SWAB, on the other hand…). Just Tom is apparently romantic with dudes. Bromantic? He likes to take a shot of Black Velvet for luck and then go crazy before giong out. When he was little, Just Tom once called his grandfather a bitch. Confused much? Or is Assflac his grandfather? Finally, Just Tom once took a girl home from the hash, but all he got was a hand job that was so bad, he ended up with injuries.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
16 Coming on 17
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Syphilis!
Von Clap Family
Red Line to Sore Cock
Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, fuck them!), Just Tom will be known as Compost Pile. After a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid.
Screw running, I’d rather ride at all the hashes from now on,
EWH3 #593: “Attention Whores Trail” U Street/African-Amer Civil War Memorial/Cardozo
Hares: Chippen Failz, Assflac, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me, Fucks Up Doc?, Wank Like an Egyptian
Virgins: Just Justin, Amber, Molly, Rebecca, Adam, Mark, Adam, Matt
Visitors: Turdburg from somewhere foreign HHH
OnOnOn: Solly’s AKA Chippen Failz’s backup for when he becomes homeless….because we all know it’s inevitable.
Hashers far and wide in the DMV came to U Street for a good time Thursday (well, two Thursdays ago…whoops!). Fortunately this time, no chalk was needed to find the start- all you had to listen for was Assflac bitching about something. Or Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me being inappropriate. Or Chippen Failz being rejected by women. Or Fucks Up Doc? angrily yelling at somebody/something/some child. Or Wank Like an Egyptian crying in the corner. Yes, it was the Attention Whore hash, a group of hares so busy not-getting-laid that they like to be loud!
The pack ran through the U Street area, raising eyebrows as they followed trail, or people who were following trail (or people who thought they were following trail). The beer check was in a small alley tucked behind a swanky, swanky, swanky apartment. The pack drank some beer and then headed back out into the neighborhoods around U Street before ending behind the Black Cat, giving hasher hipsters (hey Tits!) a huge boner.
The Hares wanted to get the token black guy but settled for Wank Like an Egyptian.
6 Pigs in a Blanket gave a PSA out for the single men at the hash when she noted that no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t gag.
Edgar Allen Hoe was shocked when she didn’t need to show her tits to stop traffic. Here’s to giving her another chance!
Just Richard and Just Danny came to the hash wearing matching socks and new shoes. Drink up!
Pee Wee’s Little Adventure walked in on Tits for Tots naked three times at a party and didn’t do anything about it.
Just Justin was commended for being the man who introduced ¡4loko! to the hash!
Violations from the Crowd
Just Adam didn’t go to the hash one week because he wanted to see Twilight New Moon.
Whiskey Business apparently hits on students. Come on guys….
Slipknot got in a fight with a knife-wielding midget in the Metro and lost. Or ran through a lot of PI.
Whiskey Business smoked and pulled a lot of meat the other weekend.
Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner needs liquid courage to talk to anything. Period.
Motormouth somehow did not make it onto the hare list for the Attention Whore hash.
Just Alison was asking people to squeeze her but didn’t let anyone follow through with it.
And then it was time for a special occasion. Yes, it was a naming!
Just Alexwent to Virginia Tech and was a geography major. He grew up in DC and has worked for 7-11. He was in ROTC and is all military and stuff. I’m pretty sure he’s something badass, so I’m going to shut up now. When he was 21 and at FortBenning, he hooked up with a girl in a bar, and then back in the car, where she started beating him because she thought she was getting raped. And then he still slept with her. He once slept with a 37 year-old black woman. I really think I butchered this….but anyway, onto the names!
-Apu On My Chest
– GI Blow
– Super Big Gulp
– Just a Gulp
– Self-Serve Perv
– Dia-beat Me
Yup, you may have guessed it. Even with all that information, we managed to go with the most offensive name thought of at the hash (thanks Assflac!), naming Just AlexShooting Blanks! Too soon…
We went to Solly’s and tried to hit on hot U Street girls (or at least I did). It was nice and then it rained.
Hares: Srsly, all of WNDC: Cunt of the Litter, If I Were A Stiff Man, Cocktuplets, Peter Peter Manhole Eater, My Little Pony, EZ Pass, Can You Rear Me Now, Fluffer No Butther, Chip ‘n’ Fails (sort of)
Brew Crew: The Udder Ho, Shamrock Your Cock
Virgins: Just Kennedy, Jessica, Bill, Matt, Tom, David, Kelly, Olivia, Jill, Erin, Andrew, Cole, Kristin, Anya, Shannon, Eric and James
Visitors: Up Her Alley (Ben Franklin Mob (Philly) H3), Just Braden (Eugene, OR H3), and some chick who didn’t know who she was or where she was from
Analversaries: 69–Fuxedo; 100–Cum of a Preacher’s Hand. If there were any more, I blame the four shots for not writing down what they were.
Ononon: Hunan No. 1
The pack circled up in a field in scenic No Va. We’d decided that namings hadn’t been interesting enough lately, so we brought out the fuzzy handcuffs, to cuff some poor unsuspecting Just to someone who’d get some good dirt out of him or her. We decided that Chip ‘n’ Fails would be a good interrogator, and, much to his chagrin, we cuffed him to Just Joe. After that, we were off. The pack ran towards Ballston, and before we knew it, we reached the first shot check, red bull and vodka in a parking garage. Now that we were chock full of energy, we headed back onto trail. After a minimal amount of shiggy, we got to the second shot check–Firefly. Mmm, tastes like bad decisions. But enough about my weekend. After a brief stretch on the Mt Vernon Trail (or was is the W&OD trail? Virginia confuses me.), we ended up at beer check in another parking garage.
Well hydrated, the pack set off on the second half of trail. In almost no time, we ended up at the third shot check–I don’t know what it was, but it was bright yellow, and it was served behind a truck. Stay classy, WNDC! After that, trail took us to Clarendon, where we found the fourth shot check in a parking garage. Best yet, this shot was 4LOKO!! I think we may have lost Whisky Business and WOWO around there, but fortunately for them, we ran out to Wilson Boulevard, only to double back to the fourth shot check location and end up there.
Red Vag of Courage was trolling craigslist looking for ads about poop. I think there are more specialized websites if that’s what you’re into, ask Savage Love.
Chip ‘n’ Fails used a safe word to get out of his handcuffs after all the dirt he could get out of Just Joe was heavy breathing and, “he’s fast.”
Just Kelly complained about the water crossing, saying, “As if I’m not wet enough already.” No such thing!
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock supplied the hash with fuzzy handcuffs that, despite having a live-in girlfriend, he’d never used. FAIL.
Just Martina was too horny to wait to pick up guys at the on-on-on and opted for straddling a fencepost instead.
Imaginary Girlfriend thought Just Martina was a man. Come on, it’s not that dark, and you weren’t that drunk.
Cum Dumpling needed help putting Icy Hot on his ball sack.
Peter Peter Manhole Eater was the other kind of racist and confused Fucks Up, Doc? with Have Fun Storming the Asshole. Dude, not all Asians look alike. Not even all Chiwegians look alike.
I’m Lick James, Bitch! is trying to raise funds for a wounded soldier campaign. Just because you haven’t been getting laid, that doesn’t mean you’re wounded.
Wax On, Whacks Off and Tit-Ka-Boob wore matching scrubs. Aw, what a cute couple.
Also in the cute couple department, Whisky Business and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock went off together to pee during beer check. The couple that sprays together, stays together!!
Double-Ohh Positive said he was too drunk to hare the walkers’ trail, but he wasn’t too drunk to take all our money at sign-in.
Violations from the Crowd:
Just Shannon and Just Jess both wore brand new drinking vessels.
Tits for Tots boned up on her language skills by learning how to say “cougar” in Welsh.
Whisky Business claims he’s not gay, but he was waving at dudes like a chorus girl.
Uh-Oh, A Squirty Ho!, despite being a virgin and there being a ton of new, single, female harriettes in attendance, was only talking to dudes all night. That explains so much, no?
Just Shy–look at her name, she needs no other reason to be violated.
Cum Dumpling has more hair on his ass than he does on his head.
Whisky Business chugged 4LOKO but was still jealous of a girl who had boxed wine.
Motor Mouth wore his Hef robe again.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Joe went to Lehigh, the mascot of which is the Mountain Hawks. He now works for a defense contractor, as an engineer and likes Peter Pan and horses. During Just Joe’s freshman year, he was getting head from a girl on the top bunk in his dorm room, she fell off, and the RA came in and investigated him for domestic violence. Maybe that’s why he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 21. That fateful night, or, more accurately, those fateful 3 minutes, Just Joe was dressed as Santa Claus, the girl was dressed as an elf, and he kept his beard on during sex. Damn, and I get annoyed when guys don’t take off their socks. He’s been arrested twice, once for a drunk and disorderly that sent him to the hospital when he got his ass kicked by a parking meter. Just Joe was recently out grabbing random girls’ asses, though I wonder if whoever told that story got the gender mixed up, because Just Joe has also gotten kicked out of Remington’s for taking his shirt off. Finally, Just Joe went looking for a man on craigslist (what’s with all the craigslist this week?) and found St. Pauli Girl.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
Santa Claus is Cumming
Don’t Tase Me, Joe!
We Three Queens
Jolly Old Saint Frick
Never Never Slammed
The Virgin Hairy
Come On Prancer
It was a tough call, but Come On Prancer narrowly won out over Never Never SlammedAfter a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, drank really big beers, and tried to get laid.