Hares: Edgar Allan Ho, Blows a Tranny, Obeastiologist, Put It Out and Mannipple Lickter Brew Crew: Saskatchewsnatch and George StuffedAnOctopus Virgins: Just Jaime, Andy, Sharon, Jenn, Nisha, Heather, Kendra, Laurie, Erin, Emily, Brian, Ro, Julie, Paul, Kelsey, Jenn, Jason, Ainsly, Hume Visitors: eXplodes On iMpact (MemphisH3), Cork Sucker (Puget Sound H3), Banana Hamock (Austin H3), Just Dave (Texas) and Just Christine (Texas) Analversaries: Tits for Tots (100), Wookin Pa Nub (69), Slum Cockanywhere (17) and Peas on my Face (17) OnOnOn: Ruby Tuesdays
This year Every Day Is Wednesday hosted the 6th leg of the Tour Duh Hash.The Tour Duh Hash is an annual event where the truly intrepid (or stupid) can broaden their horizons and enlarge their livers over 9 straight days of hashing with each hash hosted by a different DC kennel.Seizing the opportunity to show off an EWH3 trail to hashers from other kennels, the hares presented us with a trail so great it was guaranteed to get all but the most prudish of harriets absolutely dripping wet!
Our illustrious GM, Kandy Panties circled us up, some announcements were made and we warned NOT to bring any technology on trail.The virgins and visitors were introduced, we sang a single verse of High My Name Is Joe, and the pack was sent off.
The trail itself was shiggerific.It was muddy, had a number of river crossings and more wet holes than a porn convention.This trail swept me off my feet!(Literally, the current on one of the river crossings swept me off my feet.)Fortunately my equipment (scribe notebook and pen) was well wrapped so I was still able to perform at the end circle.My parents have been telling be to wrap my junk since middle school!They can’t say I didn’t listen.
Along the way we were treated to two beer checks and a gratuitous shot of ChippenFails bare ass.Amazingly the casualties were minimal and most of the pack made it to the end circle.(Frankly I’m always amazed that most of the pack makes it to end circle…)
·Po Po Disco did a down-down for having perfect face makeup in spite of running the wettest, shiggiest trail of the year.Cock Your Suck I Will, whose “makeup” (a broken nose and two black eyes) resembled a raccoons, did a down-down for not getting advice from Po Po about how to put her face on.
·Air Spanker One and ChippenFails do not exactly epitomize the pinnacle of human evolution, so it was no surprise when they were both caught flinging poo on trail.
·Banana Hammock paid for hash cash with $2 bills.I guess inflation is starting to affect the tips you get as a stripper.
·Kandy Panties, after warning the entire pack NOT to bring any technology on trail, was caught answering his blackberry while he was chest deep in water.According to witnesses he answered with the line “It’s not a good time.”Really? No shit!I bet KP is the kind of guy that picks up a call from his mom while he‘s having sex too.
·Wax On Whacks Off was caught urinating using an unusual lunging stance.He did a down-down for learning how to urinate from his dog.
·Maytagged got a sex injury that actually required a visit to the emergency room.Afterwards she was so bow legged that she waddled more than she walked.I’m guessing the next time Maytagged sees an ad in the City Paper looking for a girl for some “equine fun,” she’ll think twice.
·Keyless Entry was quoted as saying “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a dark wet tunnel and I’ve missed it.”
·Me-Likee-Lickee-Caca thinks all Asian girls look alike.
·Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me was off trail and thought she heard someone calling her name: “Cocky!, Cocky!” It turned out they were actually screaming “Cracker!, Cracker!”
·Mannipple Lickter lost his hash mug.Fortunately for him it was found by Legs Over Easy who returned it to him carefully encased in a protective layer of Jello.
Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!(It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)
Just Nick grew up in South Dakota and went to South Dakota State University, home of the Jack Rabbits.He works for the USDA performing hog and pig inventories.He didn’t seem very confindent about what his hobbies were, answering “Cycling, well no not really, volleyball.”At this point the crowd decided that Just Nick may be a little bit retarded.
Just Nick is married although he is known for showing up to the hash with a woman who is not his wife.When asked what his favorite sexual position Just Nick responded ‘piggy style.’After a demonstration it turned out ‘piggy style’ was awful lot like ‘doggy style.’His most embarrassing sexual moment was being caught by his first girlfriend’s mother while they were in the act.Since the mom just walked away, without saying anything, this story didn’t seem too embarrassing.However the strangest place Just Nick ever had sex was in a porta potty at a Dave Matthews concert.(Hold on a minute while I try to keep my lunch contained… Okay I think I’m okay. Really, a porta potty has got to be one of the unsexiest place to have sex EVER. Almost as bad as a Dave Matthews concert!)
Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:
Everything But The Squeal
Fucks Slow Women
Corky the Pig
Bring Home the Bacunt
Under the Table and Creaming
Ass Into Me
In the end all of these suggestions paled against Porka Potty.And so with golden beverage Just Nick was christened Porka Potty.
Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!
A second naming, now this is something we actually DON’t do every week!Just Jill is known for showing up to the hash with Porka Potty every week.She is from Michigan and went to Michigan State for College where she majored in Spanish and Criminal Justice.She uses this education to perform background checks for non-profit agencies.
The meanest thing she had ever done to one of her siblings growing up was to take a switch to her younger sister.She has been kicked out of Catholic school.Her most embarrassing non-sexual moment was walking out of the bathroom in high school with her skirt tucked into her shorts.
Just Jill lost her virginity at 13 (well… it may have been 17).When asked if she had ever had a lesbian experience Just Jill said “no” but indicated that she was curious.The most interesting place she had ever had sex was in the paint room of the student union and MSU. (Wow, really getting wild there…) Her most embarrassing sexual moment was losing her shorts while getting finger banged in van; she had to walk home wrapped in a blanket.(Apparently, this was also her first time rounding that particular base.Way to start your ‘career’ there Just Jill!)She also remembered that the van was 1982 Chevy diesel. Klassy! (with a capitol K on purpose)
The following names were proposed by the crowd:
Jack Me Off
Uncle Tom’s Stabbin
Rusty Chastity Belt
Finger Taint by Numbers
C.O.N.D.O.M.(Was an acronym for something.I don’t remember what.It sucked anyway.)
Father Forgive Me
Sister Mary Gagged on Her
From now on we’ll be calling Just Jill Uncle Tom’s Stabbin.
We went to the OnOnOn, got drunk and tried to sleep with people from other hashes.(Hey that IS new!)Was everybody happy?You bet your ass we were!
Visitors:Bang Me, Blow Me, Make Me Cum (Thirstday—Chicago), Just Wendell (Dayton or Smutty Crab)
Ononon: American Legion
The pack started out by the new DOT building and took off into the sweltering heat and humidity.We looped through a big chunk of Southwest DC, at one point following flour that was not blue but an odd, beige color (more on that later), and got a bit lost when trail seemed to lead to a WH4 check.Eventually, we reached the side of the erstwhile Market Inn—way too close to my office for comfort—for a lemony fresh shot check.After that, the pack ran through a lighted tunnel and into a parking lot under a freeway, that some of us thought would be the location for beer check, but it turned out we had miles to go.On we went, passing by a school and through some projects, until, just as we were thinking that this trail was shaping up to be a death march, we finally reached the beer check.
Our bellies full of beer, we continued on.Still feeling my hangover from shenanigans the night before, I walked the second half, which turned out to be a pretty direct stroll from the beer check to our trusty on-in at Garfield Park.Oh, Capitol Hill end circle location, how we will miss you when whatever construction is slated to take place there actually goes down.
Just Scott was wearing brand new drinking vessels.He had owned a pair of running shoes that looked exactly the same as his new pair, but gave them to a friend just so he could wear his brand new shoes to the hash.Now, that’s trying way too hard.
Ring Toss Salad must not be satisfied with his love life; he was making out with Just Maisie (WOWO’s dog, if you’ve been living under a rock) at opening circle.
Eat Your Vegetables wore a headlamp and sunglasses on trail.He’s not gay; he’s just confused.
The hares can’t lay to save their lives.
Roll Over, Bitch! likes uncircumcised dick on boys.It is more sensitive that way.
Buttfuck Norris needs to learn to keep a bitch in line; his dog took a huge dump in the middle of an intersection.
Chip-n-Fails likes water sports, but he should find a consenting partner instead of sneaking up on harriettes as they are trying to pee.
Hair Cuntery has so much trouble keeping a woman, he couldn’t even get one to stay with him when they’re handcuffed together.
Peace O’Chum wore a shirt from a 5K and when called on it, said, “A 5K isn’t really a race.”Raceism AND snobbery!
My Little Pony gave a guy a blow job, tried to spit and failed, but hey, at least what didn’t go in him went on him.
Muff the Magic Dragon drank the shot at shot check and said, “Mmm, chunky!Just like I like it.”Also, just like semen.
Just Nick was wearing the shortest shorts I’ve ever seen worn by anyone other than Semen on the Pew.The torch has been passed.
Just David didn’t tell his virgin, Just Dez, to bring running shoes.
The hares decided we should do something healthy to counteract the weekly destruction of our livers, so they laid trail with whole wheat flour.
Chip-n-Fails’ package was almost hanging out of his shorts.In the words of one harriette, “It’s like looking at a car crash—I really don’t want to look, but I can’t turn away!”
Eat Your Vegetables pretended to not know where the Crucible was, but was not-so-secretly excited about it.
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock really didn’t know anything about The Crucible.
Keyless Entry had trouble counting to 69.How could anyone forget that number?
Violations from the Crowd:
Peace O’Chum aired out her crotch at beer check.Dude, we’re not in Baltimore.
Rambutt was glad she took 12 inches before trail instead of just 6.But who wouldn’t be happy about that?
Cock Your Suck I Will can’t pour beer and sing at the same time.
Cute Lesbian In Training was covered in cum and smoking a cigar at end circle.
Sphincter Shy got second-degree burns while masturbating.I don’t even want to know.
PoPo Disco put on a show for the 12-year-old boys the pack ran by.I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again—that’s my job, dammit.
Fat Friends In Wet Places got tired of waking up in a puddle, so he bought an economy-sized box of Depends.
Cocky recruited Cock Your Suck I Will to bang other women, oops, I mean to play rugby.
Floral Sex got her braces off—gentlemen, she can now give you head!
CLIT demonstrated that she likes big, brown dick.
Then we had a NAMING!
Just Katharine can be kind of quiet, so we handcuffed her to Hair Cuntery at the start of trail, so he could get the goods on her.She works in media relations, which means she bangs reporters.This is completely unrelated to Just Katharine’s original field of study; she majored in gay, I mean, French, at Oberlin.Despite having attended Oberlin, the college that requires express consent for anything sexual (“May I touch your boobies now?”Awkward!), and whose students coined the term, “womyn,” she has never had a lesbian experience.Just Katharine likes pigs, missionary position, and anal sex.She slept with a 15-year-old when she was 20 (I have found my Yoda) and a 42-year old former Olympic gymnast, who was the fittest man she’s ever been with.Finally, Just Katharine has lived in Tahiti and Senegal.She got laid in Senegal, so she probably has AIDS now.
Naming Suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
Mary Kay LePorno
Meat the Press
Her Medic Seal
Madeleine All Tight
In the end, the pack named her Meat the Press.
We proceeded to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, some brave souls ate baked beans from a trough, and the rest of us tried to get laid.
Virgins: Justs Jeannette, Jen, Ben, Masi, Nick, Derek, Christy, Richard, Matt, and Adam
Visitors: None were stupid enough to show up for this trail.
Analversaries: 17—Gerry Ass Tricks; 200—Shamrock Your Cock
Ononon: Library Bar
The pack, including but not limited to the 42,000 male virgins that Just May brought (where, oh where, have bukkake violations gone?), gathered in a grassy area opposite from a Home Depot and some other stores, and took off through some ghetto-tastic alleys, until we reached a 15-foot-high fence. Many were stupid enough to climb over it, but a few of us towards the back waited for Cocky to sweep us around. That obstacle conquered, we stopped at the shot check to drink bad, cheap whiskey before running through the grounds of several Catholic churches, Catholic University, and Trinity College. Fortunately for the young men in the pack, there was nary a priest in sight, and we all made it to the beer check
under the Metro unmolested.
I couldn’t tell you what the second half of trail was like, because I drank so much at beer check, I don’t remember. Actually, I’m lying: I was going to walk the second half as I am recovering from a knee injury (between that and the swine flu, I’ve been the walking wounded this month), but somehow, my companions and I totally missed walkers trail. We managed to stumble upon the hares and followed them to the on-in, which was in the exact same location as beer check, so we really didn’t even need to go anywhere. That was all for the best, though, as the hash revived the long-standing tradition of sandwich night, and I ended up getting to the table to make a sandwich before much of the pack even finished running trail. Tastes great, more filling!
• Gaystation was secretly going to audition to be a Redskinette, but revealed his plans by making up cheers for Sphincter Shy while on trail.
• General’s Farm Animal wiped out while trying to spank a hot, young, female Just, and ended up with a faceful of curb instead of a handful of ass.
• Eat Your Vegetables was reading Runners’ World on the Metro on the way to the hash. He’d have been better off reading Playgirl.
• The hares teased the pack by taking us through so much Catholic property without anyone seeing any naughty Catholic schoolgirls. They were probably so busy being blown by altar boys that they forgot that the rest of us have needs too!
• Gaystation came out of nowhere to the hash—just like he does in bed.
• Cocktuplets loudly proclaimed that she smells like Gaystation. Is that really something to be proud of?
• Dial F and You’re A Pee’n Swallow turned out to be cousins, so they’re moving to North Carolina so they can continue to legally celebrate their love.
• Spincter Shy is so shy about his sphincter that he can’t find it with two hands and a flashlight, as evidenced by his passing the walkers three times while looking for beer check.
• Chippen Fails failed at bukkake—you’re supposed to have many men squirting liquid on one woman, not one man throwing powder on many women.
• Cum Dumpling thinks he’s Dick Tracy; he kept checking his talking GPS watch to see how far he’d gone.
• Just Jill got meat juice on her arm, instead of in her mouth, where it belongs.
• Gaystation combined auto-hashing, safety third, and sex on trail by running backwards into a car and falling onto it with his legs all splayed out, ready for action.
• The hares brought obnoxious noisemakers, the kind you pull out and blow on every New Year’s Eve, into circle. Couldn’t they find anything better to put in their mouths. On second thought, Chippen Fails shouldn’t answer that.
Violations from the Crowd:
• Tar Squeal was so raceist, she didn’t even stop at beer check.
• Popo Disco didn’t bring Marion Barry to the hash.
• Red Vag of Courage had a huge bruise on her lower back, obtained in a tragic doggy style accident.
• Chippen Fails failed again: He hit on a Catholic schoolgirl while scouting trail, but couldn’t make her come.
• Popo Disco refused to drink beer because she’s on the South Beach Diet. Semen, however, is totally permitted; it’s high in protein and low in carbs.
• I Manual Cunt thought we were running the Miami Vice trail and came to end circle dressed like Sonny Crockett.
• Cute Lesbian In Training not only looks like she’s 12 years old; she also
wears a 12-year-old’s bikini.
• Cocky recruited Cock Your Suck I Will to bang other women, oops, I mean to play rugby.
• Popo Disco is getting her tattoos lasered off: You can erase your exhusband’s name, but you can’t laser off the trashy.
• I Manual Cunt impaled himself on a big pole and won his very own Darwin Award. Survival of the fittest, yo.
Then we had a NAMING!
Nobody new much about Just Greg, so we handcuffed him to CLIT at the start of trail, so she could get the goods on him. He’s from New York, majored in linguistics at University of Maryland, and now designs websites for Street Sense, the newspaper published and sold by the homeless. Just Greg likes to have sex
doggy style, with goats, but he didn’t give Red Vag the bruise on her back, because his wife, whose name is Cleveland Rain (at least it’s not Detroit!) wouldn’t approve of that. Yup, he’s married, which means he never gets laid, and explains so much about why no one knew anything about him before Thursday night. Just Greg lost his virginity in a student lounge at Maryland, and used a condom from a vending machine. He has also had sex in a Swedish sauna. While trying to help some Gallaudet students carry their liquor purchases, he dropped a keg. What’s sign language for, “Ow, my foot!?” Last but not least, Just Greg’s favorite STD is the clap, because “it sounds funny.”
Naming Suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
Helen Smell ‘Er
Clap On Clap Off
In the end, the pack found the combination of gay jokes and deaf jokes irresistible and named him Queering Aid.
We proceeded to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, and tried to get laid.