EWH3 #596: TourDuhHash Leg 7- “The Hash Set Me Up” Trail, Anacostia Metro
Hares: MotorMouth, JackOffLantern, Just Chris
Virgins: Just Neco, Warner, James, Megan, Jimmy, Brian, Angelo, Nick, Dan, Mali,
Christina, Ryan, Anna, Steven, Roger, Menelik, French Guys
Visitors: Dial F for Faggot, who has been hashing around North Carolina
Anchor Spanker, from New Orleans H3
Marathon Meth Man from Kansas City
Snake Charmer from Bangkok
OnOnOn: The Player’s Lounge (Georgina’s)
For most hashers, getting on the Green Line has always meant only going so far south as the ballpark, when it’s Green Line Lite. But Thursday was special- not only was it the 7th leg of the 2010 TourDuhHash, but we were also headed straight into Southeast DC. Hashers in large groups (this time, safety was NOT third) poured out of the Anacostia Metro and headed towards the start. Amidst calls of “What are you all doin’ here?” and license plates that read “BLING,” we circled up and Rear Protein Injection, one of our lovely GMs, handed out the TourDuhHash Jerseys (or, in one awkward case, tried to. Darling, if you got ‘em, why not flaunt ‘em?).
The pack was off through the neighborhoods of historic Anacostia. The trail wound down to an overgrown train track, or as one hasher on trail noted, “the place where they found the body in Stand By Me.” We went through a couple of neighborhoods, got yelled at from a few corners, until the hares steered us into some shiggy. Now, hashers who felt relieved by leaving the, um, urban shiggy for a more rural bit, were soon regretting it, because by shiggy these hares meant PI. Oh and wasps…yes, for once it was fun night being an FRB, because those fast wankers’ screams of “Wasps! Wasps!” warned the rest of the pack to find another route out of the thicket.
Finally we emerged along a pool and a basketball court, along which Cum On Prancer had a water bottle thrown at his head. Yea! We reached the beer check, which had an amazing view of NoVA and DC. We drank, and were off, headed back towards MLK BLVD. We reached the end behind OnOnOn, and the pack continued to consume their beers.
6 Pigs in a Blanket was overheard saying “No, I did not stick my thumb in there,” which of course begs the question, Why not?
Everyone Wearing Vibrams was violated for being put to shame by Bear, who ran the entire trail without any shoes, despite broken 40s and shiggy abound. That’s right, if you want to “run like Paleolithic man,” then actually do it.
MotorMouth was violated for taking us all the way out to Anacostia, only for the pack to be attacked by W.A.S.P.’s.
The Hares apparently Google Map’d “PI” and then took us directly there.
Though the hash was already a bit out of place, the Hillbilly Hashers had to go and up the ante by wearing Confederate flag shirts on trail. Guys, you lost!
Along the same line, Herpicles decided it was appropriate to carry a watermelon on trail pretending it was her baby.
Violations from the Crowd
The Frenchies were violated for touting their flag on trail after losing to Mexico the same day…ouch.
Hungry Hungry Homo spent a whole week riding, but his ass was sore.
Fucks Up, Doc? apparently hurt some peoples’ feelings, because she was violated for being the meanest Jubilee.
Whiskey Business felt bold enough to scribe and pass out violations while wearing a race-ist shirt.
Double Ohhh,Positive forced Little Red Ride-Me-Good to lie about her age just to get engaged.
And then, of course, it was time for a naming!
Just TrainWreck, ahem, I mean, Just Mary went to LoyolaCollege, and now she “does web stuff.” Hmm, off to a good start. Her favorite Disney movie is The Little Mermaid. She lost her V-card at age 18, and she claimed that her most embarrassing sexual moment was when her and whoever broke the bed and then someone walked in on them naked. Right….
And then the fun stuff came out! She had sex in a Levi Outlet dressing room, because she’s kinda easy, but also thrifty! She turned two guys gay and one into a monk, been peed on before, and can pull guys out of a dorm room hall right quick! Don’t worry though, because she is smart about this behavior: she has a safe word- Pineapple!
Upside-Down Pineapple Cake
Kinda a Whore
Straight to Gay
Pee on Your Colada
After much deliberation (and giggling, mostly by this highly immature scribe), Just Mary was deemed Pee on Your Colada!
We drank, we sang, we ate fried chicken at Georgina’s.
Hares: Cum Dumpling, CoXXX on Demand, Shamrock Your Cock, Silver Spooge, Saskatchewsnatch
Brew Crew: Brokeback Mama, Return to Ender
Virgins: Just Ed, Abby, Alex, Matt, Erica, and James
Visitors: Anchor Spanker (New Orleans H3)
It’s that time of year again, time for the 5th(?) Anal I-Did-a-Dawg, in which wankers form teams, dress in costumes, and push one team member in a “sled” on trail. Out of the 100ish wankers to show up to the pack, there were only 3 teams: Wizard of Paws (the hares, and if you can’t guess what their theme is, you need more help than I can possibly give you), Slick ‘n’ Slide (a big chunk of mismanagement, dressed like the BP oil spill), and Arizona (complete with dudes in ponchos and one guy in Super Trooper shorts, but lacking a “sled”). Unlike every other hash, there wasn’t an actual trail that was marked: instead, the hares would tell the pack to go to a certain intersection, and everyone would run there and wait until the hares, slowed by their need to push a team member in a “sled,” caught up. And wow, let me tell you, the hash is so much easier and more fun when, rather than running, you’re being pushed in a wheelchair that’s tilted back onto its rear wheels. Whee! Though I can’t help but wonder how many tourists and other muggles thought that I was an actual handicapped person, being cruelly tortured by my teammates. After running to a few different corners around the Hill, the pack ended up in an alley for beer check, and miraculously, I could walk again!
The second half ran the same way as the first, with the pack waiting for the hares to give directions to the next corner. This time around, though, the hares had broken their “sled,” leaving only Team Slick ‘n’ Slide with a vehicle. The team took me for a nice, short (too short) ride to end circle in Garfield Park, where I regained the ability to walk to the beer once again.
Tony Panda wore brand new drinking vessels.
Silver Spooge, while holding the tornado that was attached to Team Wizard of Paws’ cart, said, “It’s sucking me!” That’s the most action he’s gotten all year.
Motor Mouth and Put It Out tried and failed to pick up female kickball players–a difficult feat, since those girls are even easier than harriettes!
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made a gas chamber joke to Vienna Sausage. Too soon!
Just Brian had phone sex on trail. Wait, no, he was just looking up directions to the next stop. And the directions he got were wrong.
The hares, because this was the first trail where it was ok to just follow the pack.
Clappy Birthday is moving to the other Washington, to be with the girl who gave him the clap.
Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me said that I’m Lick James, Bitch! should join Team Slick ‘n’ Slide because, like the oil slick, he’s shiny and black.
Violations from the Crowd:
Team Slick ‘n’ Slide dressed as the BP oil spill, even though there was a visitor from NOLA. Too soon!
Tits for Tots got walked in on while changing–she was pantsless–and immediately fell down with her legs up in the air.
6 Pigs in a Blanket was heard saying, “It’s usually filled with fags.” We can only assume she was talking about her vagina.
Cum Dumpling busted out of his dress despite not actually having boobs.
PIO stole Moby’s, oops, I mean RPI’s, hat.
Choke ’em if you Got ’em and Me Chub You Long Time returned from Afghanistan. Welcome back, boys!
John 3:69 likes them short and sweet.
Tits for Tots needed help squeezing poles.
PIO was wearing dog ears on trail, and the older you get, the more they sag.
A Salt My Ass was complaining about how he’s getting fat–he could always re-enlist in the Marines and then he’d get skinny like Choke ‘Em and Me Chub You Long Time.
I’m Lick James, Bitch! brought a bag so big that you could fit a small child inside it.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Tom is from Minnesota, so, naturally, he likes big women. He attended St. Louis University, the mascot of which is the Millikin, which is some magical creature that looks like the love child of an elf and the Buddha, and majored in political science and international studies. He now works for Head Start and as a barista and is vegetarian, so his belly is all from beer. Just Tom lost his virginity when he ws 16, to a 17-year-old, in a seedy Wisconsin hotel. He once called a girl by his ex-girlfriend’s name during sex. Oops. Just Tom can’t decide whether he prefers The Lion King or Aladdin, but he does like turkeys, cowgirl sex, and amateur porn (though he hasn’t made any–his roommate, SWAB, on the other hand…). Just Tom is apparently romantic with dudes. Bromantic? He likes to take a shot of Black Velvet for luck and then go crazy before giong out. When he was little, Just Tom once called his grandfather a bitch. Confused much? Or is Assflac his grandfather? Finally, Just Tom once took a girl home from the hash, but all he got was a hand job that was so bad, he ended up with injuries.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
16 Coming on 17
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Syphilis!
Von Clap Family
Red Line to Sore Cock
Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, fuck them!), Just Tom will be known as Compost Pile. After a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid.
Screw running, I’d rather ride at all the hashes from now on,
EWH3 #593: “Attention Whores Trail” U Street/African-Amer Civil War Memorial/Cardozo
Hares: Chippen Failz, Assflac, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me, Fucks Up Doc?, Wank Like an Egyptian
Virgins: Just Justin, Amber, Molly, Rebecca, Adam, Mark, Adam, Matt
Visitors: Turdburg from somewhere foreign HHH
OnOnOn: Solly’s AKA Chippen Failz’s backup for when he becomes homeless….because we all know it’s inevitable.
Hashers far and wide in the DMV came to U Street for a good time Thursday (well, two Thursdays ago…whoops!). Fortunately this time, no chalk was needed to find the start- all you had to listen for was Assflac bitching about something. Or Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me being inappropriate. Or Chippen Failz being rejected by women. Or Fucks Up Doc? angrily yelling at somebody/something/some child. Or Wank Like an Egyptian crying in the corner. Yes, it was the Attention Whore hash, a group of hares so busy not-getting-laid that they like to be loud!
The pack ran through the U Street area, raising eyebrows as they followed trail, or people who were following trail (or people who thought they were following trail). The beer check was in a small alley tucked behind a swanky, swanky, swanky apartment. The pack drank some beer and then headed back out into the neighborhoods around U Street before ending behind the Black Cat, giving hasher hipsters (hey Tits!) a huge boner.
The Hares wanted to get the token black guy but settled for Wank Like an Egyptian.
6 Pigs in a Blanket gave a PSA out for the single men at the hash when she noted that no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t gag.
Edgar Allen Hoe was shocked when she didn’t need to show her tits to stop traffic. Here’s to giving her another chance!
Just Richard and Just Danny came to the hash wearing matching socks and new shoes. Drink up!
Pee Wee’s Little Adventure walked in on Tits for Tots naked three times at a party and didn’t do anything about it.
Just Justin was commended for being the man who introduced ¡4loko! to the hash!
Violations from the Crowd
Just Adam didn’t go to the hash one week because he wanted to see Twilight New Moon.
Whiskey Business apparently hits on students. Come on guys….
Slipknot got in a fight with a knife-wielding midget in the Metro and lost. Or ran through a lot of PI.
Whiskey Business smoked and pulled a lot of meat the other weekend.
Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner needs liquid courage to talk to anything. Period.
Motormouth somehow did not make it onto the hare list for the Attention Whore hash.
Just Alison was asking people to squeeze her but didn’t let anyone follow through with it.
And then it was time for a special occasion. Yes, it was a naming!
Just Alexwent to Virginia Tech and was a geography major. He grew up in DC and has worked for 7-11. He was in ROTC and is all military and stuff. I’m pretty sure he’s something badass, so I’m going to shut up now. When he was 21 and at FortBenning, he hooked up with a girl in a bar, and then back in the car, where she started beating him because she thought she was getting raped. And then he still slept with her. He once slept with a 37 year-old black woman. I really think I butchered this….but anyway, onto the names!
-Apu On My Chest
– GI Blow
– Super Big Gulp
– Just a Gulp
– Self-Serve Perv
– Dia-beat Me
Yup, you may have guessed it. Even with all that information, we managed to go with the most offensive name thought of at the hash (thanks Assflac!), naming Just AlexShooting Blanks! Too soon…
We went to Solly’s and tried to hit on hot U Street girls (or at least I did). It was nice and then it rained.