EWH3 #575 – A Winter’s Tail Trail, Mt Vernon Square-Convention Center
Hares: Jedi Boob TriXXX, Clean Clam, Pinnochiho, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, Saskatchewsnatch
Brew Crew: Incredible Edible Schmegg, Just Barney
Virgin: Just: Andrew, Jenny, Kara, Danielle
Visitors: Hot Banana (Atlanta H3)
Analversaries: 69–Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Red Vag of Courage
Ononon: Kelly’s Irish Times
Trail started off on a confusing note: Despite putting out a trail news writeup cribbed from the works of William Shakespeare, the hares were dressed not like Shakespearean characters, but like bunnies. As amusing as it may be to see “King Lear” done entirely in rodent, the one guy who dressed in costume was not amused. In keeping with the bunny costumes, the hares seemed to confuse the hash with an Easter egg hunt–that’s about how hard the flour was to find during the first half of trail. The pack circled through Chinatown from a few different directions, losing and finding trail again, until we got to a shot check that tasted like Goldschlager. Or cinammon schnapps. Or mouthwash. After that, trail was short and sweet until we saw a “BN” marked on the ground, and then ran another 3/4 miles to get to the actual beer.
With beer jackets on, the pack took off for the second half of trail. It was pretty short, and involved going through a bunch of parking lots before getting to the on-in, on a parking deck. We were all supposed to go over a fence that was only about thigh-high on the near side but then was about a 10-foot jump down to get to the beer at the finish, and most wankers did jump it, but a few of us wimpy, I mean, smart, hashers, found a way to run around the fence to get in.
Fucks Up, Doc? can’t resist the creamy white stuff. Take a number, boys.
Casanada brought his lack of game back to his homeland. Not that homeland, the other homeland.
Eat Your Vegetables complained about how his ass was sore after his ski trip. He should’ve brought lube.
Just Puck, I mean Six Fags, was the only person to fall for the theme. It’d have been better if he’d put an ass’s head on top of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock and then enchanted Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me to fall in love with him or something.
Just Brennan, Stud Finder, and Just Jess were dressed as raceist triplets. I’m pretty sure there’s a porn about that, but save it for after trail, ok?
Little Red Ride Me Good promised to keep her mouth shut, because she’s good at it. We all know that’s a lie.
Cum Dumpling is growing his hair out to donate to Locks of Love: The Merkin Collection.
S & M.O.M. was worried that people would forget his nerd name once he got a hash name, so he wore it on his shirt.
Twinkle paid $70 for a haircut and spa treatment, including oatmeal bath, for Jizzmo, which is more than he spends on his girlfriend.
Leggs Over Easy can’t stop tonguing the hole. Oh, wait, that’s acceptable hash behavior.
Chip ‘N’ Fails tried to warm his hands by sticking them down I’m Lick James, Bitch’s pants. Given that I’m Lick James, Bitch! has been getting a lot of male attention at the hash these last couple weeks, I’m not sure which one of them to violate.
Violations from the Crowd:
Cocky chooses her bitches for reasons having nothing to do with their skill level.
Chicken Phucker looked more like a penis than Rear Protein Injection for once.
RPI once got pity sex because he looks like a chemotherapy patient.
Roll Over, Bitch! never gets even pity sex.
Cocky thought the last guy she was with couldn’t get it up because he was undergoing chemo.
R.O,B! was practicing a double flip olly without a skateboard.
Brokeback Mama knows what a double flip olly is.
Buttfuck Norris kept blaming his explosive farts on his dog.
Cum of a Preacher’s Hand got engaged. Why buy the cow when the sex is free?
Presidential Nasty complains about not having a girlfriend but then puts up Gchat status messages like, “Researching and writing about anal pus.” And you wonder whey he’s single?
R.O,B!–last time someone got laid in cargo pants, it was in ‘Nam.
Twinkle taught Jizzmo to roll over and spread his legs. And yet he claims he’s not trying to make his dog be a dude magnet.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Nikki, as we learned last time she was up for naming, is from Remington, Washington. She went to George Mason to major in biology. She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm. She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias. That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere. She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip on a boat, with the boat engineer, got drunk, and told her professor about it. Wild! Just Nikki works at a sperm bank. The first time she hashed, she threw up in her purse and then called an ex-boyfriend to give her a ride home. Just Nikki dropped this prince of a guy to date I Manual Cunt. Yeah, really. The first time they had sex, it was on the floor of a friend’s living room after a night out at a gay club, which simultaneously confirms and refutes a lot of people’s suspicions about I Manual Cunt.
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
Twatson and Prick
A 3-Hour Whore
*spitting noise* (I don’t know how to spell it)
Zygote in my Boat
Survival of the Spittest
We’re all nerds, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing, except Great Falls (fuck them!), Just Nikki shall be known as Survival of the Spittest.
Is everybody happy? You bet your ass we are! The pack finished the beer in Plan B, went to the Times, drank Guinness, listened to the musical stylings of Pete Papageorge, who was playing there back when I was first in DC a long long time ago, and tried to get laid.
Give us your hands, if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends,
Visitors: Wreath Around, Blue Balls Pedophile (Crystal Coast, NC, H3), Fair Game, Gutter Balls. Ononon: Hard Times
Happy New Year! Everyone bust out your party hats…. and put something shiny on your head. The pack met up right outside the Clarendon Metro, and tried to stay dry in the chilly rain. Not wanting to get all kinds of sweaty that early in the evening, I opted to walk. Walkers’ trail would have been short, except Veggies apparently didn’t know how to read a map. As it was, we ended up following part of the runners’ trail and got to first a shot check, with shots of hot spiked cider (yummmm) the relocated beer check (the cops were sitting and waiting for us at the original planned beer check location, in the parking garage over 395) in a parking lot in Ballston after the runners had already left.
After quickly downing a beer, we left for the long walk back to end circle at Chip ‘N’ Fails’ house, on the other side of the Clarendon Metro. Oh, who am I kidding? I autohashed; I had work to do before end circle started. Note to self, when in doubt, RUN.
Silver Spooge inadvertentyrevealed a deep secret about himself when he said something about “my dad and her sister.” Spoogey has two mommies!!
The hares, because they had to continue in the tradition of laying a horribly long trail around New Year’s.
Please Step Away from the Whores couldn’t get anyone to follow him even with the promise of beer.
Herpicles broke a parking garage barrier trying to hump it.
Cum Dumpling wanted everyone to check out his tender rectum. Ehh, I think I’ll pass.
Fair Game went running on Christmas Day. Not hashing, just running. That makes the Baby Jesus cry.
Coin Operated said she needs a stick up the middle. I’m sure there are lots of harriers who’d be willing to help with that.
Snatch to the Future complained about how wet she was, showing that her priorities are clearly out of whack.
Pinocchi-ho contracted an STD in his earlobe, which bled all over his face.
Tony Panda suggested that Pinocchi-ho go see “Twilight” and pick up some 10-year-olds by showing them his bloody ear wound.
Just David lost his virgin but not his virginity.
Chip ‘N’ Fails didn’t take advantage of Just David’s lost virgin.
Bobbin’ for Butt Plugs said that he’s not nearly as picky as Chip ‘N’ Fails. He then went on to say something about how it’s not gay if you’re on top, even if htey push back. I don’t know, I’m still wrapping my mind around someone calling Chip ‘N’ Fails picky.
Herpicles said that everyone looks the same in the dark, proving that he is even less picky than Bobbin’ For Butt Plugs. Well, he did try to shag a parking garage barrier.
Private Snowball exhibited chivalry on trail. That’s unacceptable hash behavior.
Violations from the Crowd:
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock called his hat a helmet, because he was getting nostalgic for his old days of riding the short bus.
Fuxedo somehow got Shamrock Your Cock’s tongue stuck to his face.
Just Tony missed his turn and tried to make an announcement during violations. Virgins should be seen and not heard.
Tits for Tots is technologically challenged.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING! Actually, it being New Year’s Eve, I suppose that made it special.
Just David is a government contractor who works with Chip ‘N’ Fails and dates Muff the Magic Dragon. She says he’s very good at eating pussy. Just David attended Nebraska State University; I think the mascot is the Cornholer. His favorite Disney movie is Fantasia. What’s he smoking, and can I have some? When he was 17, he was getting a blow job in a parking garage around Christmas time, and a family with kids was parked in the adjacent car. The parents got out of their car, knocked on Just David’s window, and asked them to stop. He once took a girlfriend on a ski trip, and even though she contracted high-altitude pulmonary edema, he left her to go skiing. Just David also plays soccer, and his skills on the pitch are such that his teammates nicknamed him “Pixie.”
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
Feliz Nobby Job
In the spirit of the holiday season, the pack decided to call Just David Feliz Nobby Job. He even gets his own song now:
Feliz Nobby Job!
Feliz Nobby Job!
Feliz Nobby Job!
Feliz Nobby Job!
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my balls!
After that, some of the the pack went to the bar, some went to New Year’s Eve parties, and all drank more, welcomed the new year, kissed a bunch of people at midnight, and tried to get laid.
Hares: CoXXX on Demand, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, PoPo Disco, Put It Out & Mystery Hare
Virginis: Just Sarah (who is NOT single), Just JP, and Just Erin
OnOnOn: Tortise & Hare (though most of us know that’s code-name for Freddie’s)
If you were a small child at Pentagon Row on Thursday evening, you were treated to far more Christmas thrills than mere ice-skating.What’s that around the corner?Could that be one of Santa’s elves?My is he old!And, look, a reindeer!OMFG it’s Santa!But then some other, naughtier types showed- scantily clad, saying things you only heard when you walked in on Mommy and Daddy “wrestling”- and then the booze came out, and then your parents were rushing you to the car…
Yes, it was the 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash, and my was it festive!The pack gathered at the Pentagon Row to sign in, drink spiked hot chocolate, and rummage through a variety of Santa hats. Because Put It Out was a hare, the trail of course ran in circles throughout the South Arlington area- up parking and down parking garages, through shops, past confused and amused people.Because it was EWH3 and anything but a perfectly straight trail, we got lost multiple times.What fun!
There was a hot cider shot check atop one parking garage, and a beer check in a lot by Costco.There was also a scribe at both checks, so come on people, speak up!From the check the trail looped down to the Crystal City Shops- a barren wasteland of consumer products- seriously, one of the saddest malls I’ve seen, and I was recently at Landmark.We meandered through the underground (heh) and then dashed up 23rd, past the OnOnOn to a parking lot for the end circle.
Put It Out was able to reconcile his Peter Pan fetish with the Christmas theme by way of his green tights.
Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock instructed a lady looking for a pink Santa hat to go see the horny guy- very helpful description- it’s EHW3 that’s like directing her to go find the white guy.
Big Bendover gave us this night’s round of “What Was He Talking About?” Overheard snippet of conversation “…it’s always better after a douche…”
Mayonnaise on the Pooper expressed how she is unemployed, having to plan someone else’s wedding, and looking to get drunk- HINT guys, this one’s desperate!
Cum Dumpling just had to go and give the runners a few minutes warning before sending them off from the beer check…
Just Andy enjoyed all the “ins & outs” of the trail- of course he was referring to the tunnels, because we all know he wasn’t getting any.
Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me, Mayonnaise on the Pooper, and Underground Railroad are so old (how old are they?!) that they were getting nostalgic about the GRE.
Pee Wee’s Little Adventure and Big Dig received that night’s inappropriate Christmas-themed pick-up line: Big Dig asked and Santa-suited Pee Wee if she could be Santa, to which he replied, “No, but Santa can be inside of you.”Class, class, class.
Oops, I Blew Him Again has sworn off driving since every time she gets behind the wheel a naked penis winds up erect in her car.
Roll Over, Bitch! Was dying to change his pink Santa hat to a red one because it “matched his sweater better,” confirming his preoccupation with color coordination over getting laid (or possibly preparing for Freddie’s?)
ChippenFails was overheard saying “Oh man, assholes.There’s nothing better than smelly assholes!” on trail- enough said.
Violations from the Crowd: happened, but this scribe’s hearing was impaired by alcohol.
And then there was a naming!Or wait, an attempted naming!Seriously, I am three for three with failed namings, from cops to throw backs.So what happened this week?Well, Just Nikki is from Remington, Washington.She went to George Mason to major in biology.She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm.She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias.That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere.She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip, got drunk, and told her professor about it.Wild!
Cherry Poppin’ Ten Miler
16 Love Handles
Small Hands on Deck
Cream Me Up Scottie
Pursuing Her Cocktorate
Magnum Cum Loud
As you can see, we were really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, and so decided to throw Just Nikki back.I appropriately told her to take this night to get very drunk, make some bad decisions, and have some better material for next time.I wonder if she did…she sure didn’t take my hint and see me at the bar…
Of course the OnOnOn, both T&H and Freddie’s consisted of much karaoke, beer, appletinis, and ass-slapping.