The pack circled at a lot a few blocks away from the Bethesda Metro. It being the rave hash, thee abundance of glowstick snapping and strategic placing helped liven up the usual conversations of, “Hey, why the fcuk are we in Bethesda?”
We ran amongst playgrounds (which was surprising how many hashers were able to go within 100 feet), couples on dates eating dinner on patios, and, of course, dark trails. Apparently the hares recommended we bring headlamps, but, just like the Ballbuster, no one can really be sure- so blame your scrapes and crushed ankles on them.
At one point FRBs claimed to hear Obeastiologist giggling somewhere in the woods, laughing as they took a wrong turn. He denies this, but that’s mostly because he does not want to give away his secret of how he can hide his creepily lanky frame in the brush.
The beer check had beer. And we drank it- cautiously, as the hares warned us of a “real second half.” So by real they meant tunnels and hashers busting ass. Headlamps! Of course, no EWH3 tunnel experience is complete without the masses trying to skip it- congratulations, you know who you are! I hope humping your way under that fence was worth it.
Eventually we ended up atop a parking garage for the circle. Don’t ask me where, but I bet it was somewhere near the Bethesda Metro.
While running in the woods, Edgar Allan Ho exclaimed “ Oh! Last time I was here I got hit in the eye and it really hurt!” Hmm, by whom?
Forever Virgin gave us too much information about his morning shower on trail when he described how “it gets harder when it gets wet.”
Sphincter Shy ran up to me breathless, ready to violate, only to tell me that he wanted to violate “that person with the bag.”
Lube Me Up, Scotty was that person with the bag. Her bag weighed forty pounds and was about 4 feet long- obvious midget size, which only troubled the pack as they had to watch where they stepped the rest of the night (and no, I’m not referring to a certain “dog”).
Speaking of “dogs,” Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was called out for Red Dress Weekend when he played footsies with Cock-a-doodle-do-me in a hottub. Twinkle, just because you have the mustache does not mean you have to actually act like a creepy rapist.
Cum Dumpling, Obeastiologist, and Chicken Fucker were given a life violation for speaking about Dungeons and Dragons in a social setting. Come on guys, really?
Cock-a-doodle-do-me and Cock Your Suck I Will approached me at the beer check for a violation. “We’re going to violate each other,” they told me, as I walked away conscious of wearing gym shorts.
Unobtanium showed his lingering Daddy-issues with his Papa Roach inspired haircut. Listen buddy, just because the salon offered a free dye session does not mean you have to take it.
Mannipple Lickter actually knew the names of many salons for that violation, so we threw him in as well.
Rear Protein Injection decided to spoil the surprise and come in his Boy George Halloween costume a week early.
Violations from the Crowd:
Seriously, I was supposed to write these down? One does come to mind though, when Hare Cuntery violated I Manual Cunt for his sweet shirt that was ribbed for her pleasure.
Also, I, Cum and Knock on My Back Door, was violated for impersonating Al Borland from Tool Time.
Roll, Over, Bitch! saw Tits for Tots by yelling out, “Hey, small Tits!” If you know her, you know that is not a proper way to greet her.
Then we had ourselves a naming! Oh wait…the cops came. Sorry Just Sharon, your time will cum again, and like most hashers, it will come quickly.
For the annual grafitti hash, the white t-shirt-clad pack met up in Dupont Circle and, armed with Sharpies, started writing all over each other.There were all kinds of brilliant gems.My favorite piece of grafitti seen on someone else was a naked, spread-eagled hermaphrodite on the back of Buttfuck Norris’ shirt.Seriously, it had boobs and a cock.My favorite piece of grafitti seen on me was, “You must be this tall [with a line drawn] to ride this ride.”Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack started opening circle.Now, I’m happy for Haystack, and I’mma let him finish, but Poop Weiner was the best GM of all time.OF ALL TIME!
We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, and into Adams Morgan.The pack must’ve arrived at the beer check at Marie Reed early:We beat Plan B there and had to wait for our beer.And wait.And wait.And write on each other some more while we waited.Finally, it arrived, and we put our markers down and mugs up for some glorious, glorious beer.
After beer check, the pack headed south, along U Street and then into the gayest part of Dupont.EWH3 being the gayest hash ever, we were all right at home.Not long after that, we found the on-in, in an alley, and drank beer and wrote on each other some more.Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me, guest starring as RA, found two very tall, very ripped Justs to serve as beer bitches, and called us all to circle up.It all went normally, until, during the analversaries, Peace O’Chum took off her pants to put on her boxers and showed us all her bike shorts, emblazoned with a man’s junk.It’s almost like there’s a running theme here, and it’s not grafitti.
Ring Toss Salad showed up at the hash with a creamy, white substance around his mouth.He claims it was toothpaste, but we all know different.
Cum Dumpling shaved his scrotum and glued the hair from his balls to the top of his head.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock decided he wasn’t gay enough, so he went and got a miniature poodle puppy.
Fuck’s Up, Doc? worked on her masters’ degree in art on everyone’s shirts.
Buttfuck Norris had a very detailed drawing of Lady Gaga on the back of his shirt.
Just Barnaby dressed up just like his daddy.
Red Eye Vagina and Two Lips in the Bush stayed away from the hash for years, but they both showed up to this one, just in time to have a love-fest with each other.
Just Victor did a double take when asked if anyone wants sausage.
Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me pulled a Topher and paid the hash cash by check.
Duck Job showed up wearing a track suit last seen on the first season of The Sopranos.
Cum of a Preacher’s Hand and Ankles Away didn’t have sex on trail, for once.They just held hands.Cum of a Preacher’s Hand must be on the rag.
Ring Toss Salad left his sports bra at home.
An Inconvenient Poop lost her virgin.Not her virginity, her virgin.And she didn’t even properly deflower him!
Tit-Ka-Boob forgot to lay walkers’ trail up to beer check.She had chalk, but didn’t know what to do with a long, thick stick in her hand.
Team Tastes Like Bad Decisions is running a 193-mile relay.If that doesn’t taste like a bad decision, I don’t know what does.And since whoever isn’t running at the time will be crowded into a van, it’ll smell like bad decisions too!
Silly Gay Virus tried to sing a song about “Johnny the Retard.”Is that Donnie’s cousin?
Violations from the Crowd:
Peace O’Chum did her best Lady Gaga impression when she changed into her boxers.
Tits for Tots can’t take it while running.
The Beer Bitches—Chicken Phucker just wanted to violate them, and he’s a heterosexual, married man!
Cockwork Orange was complaining about white cream in her eye.
Cum and Knock on My Back Door keeps hitting on Just Barnaby.
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock loaned Just Barnaby to Cum and Knock on My Back Door and is now $50 richer.Poor Just Barnaby is a little sore.
Winn Dick-Me got indignant about roast beef.There were a bunch of other food-related innuendos too.
Tits for Tots got dressed up an extra large condom that was ribbed for her pleasure.
Please Step Away from the Whores lost all the walkers.Doesn’t he usually just auto-hash anyway?
After shotgunning a few beers, we had a NAMING!
Just Victor went to University of Massachusetts-Boston, majored in sociology, and now works for REI.He tried to convince Hooooooal! to climb the climbing wall there when she went to buy shoes, just so he could look up her skirt.The first time he had sex, his now-wife ripped his foreskin.Apparently, he has a really long foreskin, which he’s used as a pickup line.His mom once walked in on him while he was getting a blow job.Just Victor has had sex on a balcony in Mexico on his honeymoon, and in a men’s room in Nantucket.Someone walked in on that too, and the girl involved had to jump out a window.Just Victor has also punched a girl.Punching ladies, making them jump out windows—wow, this guy’s a real keeper!Just Victor is originally from Colombia.As in the Latin American country where they make cocaine, not Columbia, SC, where they make rednecks.Finally, he dated his English teacher when he was 16.
Shitty naming suggestions were:
More to the Point
Barely Covered Wagon
Say Hello to my Little Friend
Here’s a Tip
Skin to Win
The First Fuck is the Bleedest
Inglorious Ass Turd
The pack was struggling, but ultimately, once the teacher story was told, there was no question.Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), Just Victor will be known as Cutting Class.
We finished the beer from Plan B, went to the on-on-on, and tried to get laid.
Visitors:Save a Tree, Ride a Cowboy (Boston H3—transplant), Sister Swallow (Baghdad H3—transplant), Breakfast Boobie Trap (Baghdad H3—transplant), Drunk Whisperer (Sir Walter Raleigh H3)
Analversaries:Little Red Ride Me Good—200 hashes
The pack circled up in Farragut Square, named after Admiral Farragut, who said one of my favorite quotations ever, “Damn the torpedoes.Full steam ahead!”Isn’t that pretty much everyone’s M.O. after last call?We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, through a soccer field and around a playground.The pack then threaded its way through a dark alley, where we found Peas on my Face giving out shots of Sparks.We were all energized after that, but it didn’t last too long, as most of the route to the beer check was uphill.
After beer check near a replica of the Spanish Steps, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park and ran on a trail along the creek.Fortunately, given that we weren’t warned that we might need headlamps, long socks, and the like, the trail ran alongside the water instead of going through it.Once we exited the park, it was a short jaunt to the on-in, in another alley, where men loitering near the loading docks leered on.
Just Kristin tried to get away without paying her $5.It’s a hash, not a gang bang, as much as they sometimes seem alike.You can’t come for free!
Assflac really, really wanted to know how to give Cum and Knock on my Back Door’s dad a boner.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock once had a passionate one-night stand with Just Greg and gave him his favorite bandanna as a keepsake, but told Just Greg that his name was “America.”Just Greg showed up at the hash wearing that bandanna and saying that, “America made [him] come.”
Just Dimple showed up at the hash pre-named.
Breakfast Boobie Trap pillaged homes in Baghdad and smuggled priceless antiques back to the US in her bra.
Mudflap complained that “it” was too big and he was getting too much head.Why would anyone ever be unhappy about those things?
Snap Crackle Poop thought the shot of Sparks was a urine sample and drank it anyway.I didn’t know he was into water sports.
Brokeback Mama had a stalking FAIL:he but kept forgetting the girl’s name.How can he possibly look her up on Facebook and HashSpace or Google her like that?
Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me pulled a Topher and paid the hash cash by check.
Cocktuplets had said that haring a trail was on her bucket list.That’s weak sauce; you’ve gotta come up with something better than that.Go jump out of a plane or something!
Little Red Ride Me Good, Double-Ohh Positive, Cum of a Preacher’s Hand and Ankles Away had a foursome on trail.
Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’ made her sister come.Way to keep it in the family!
Wookin’ Pa Nub ended up leading the walkers.There’s something very, very wrong with this picture.
Just Scot tried to hurdle a sign, got hit in the junk for his troubles, and gave himself a Darwin Award in the process.
Peas on my Face brought her giant labia to the hash but wouldn’t let any of the boys play with them.
Violations from the Crowd:
Michael J. Fucks brought technology on trail.Also, she should watch out for Brokeback Mama; he’s stalking her.Rather ineptly, but still.
Hair Cuntery located end circle where there was a ghetto velvet rope for him to stand behind while stunt RA-ing.
Cum and Knock on my Back Door was talking about his dad’s boner.
Underground Railroad went and got herself engaged.Congratulations on sleeping with the same person for the rest of eternity!
The hares laid a walkers’ trail that was more interesting than the runners’ trail.
Whore Crimes wanted to have sex before going to the hash.Edgar Allan Ho protested that they didn’t have enough time.Whore Crimes responded, “We’ve got 4 minutes!”
Edgar Allan Ho—beggars can’t be choosers.
Assflac shouldn’t talk about how beggars can’t be choosers.
Hair Cuntery is the replacement for Mush Mouth on the Fat Albert Show.
The police came by and weren’t happy about our circle location, but said we only needed to clear the area in front of the loading dock.We relocated to the far end of the alley and then we had a NAMING!
Just Alex was born in Russia, went to University of Oregon, and now works for the Army Material Command as a budget anal-yst.He’s so anal, he laminated the trail maps.He keeps asking his girlfriend, Cunt of the Litter, to do anal with him, but she keeps refusing.Also, he likes bears.And people wonder why EWH3 is the gayest hash around!Just Alex lost his virginity during his junior year in high school, the same year that he went limp after being given a blow job for 20 minutes.For all the mocking we did, maybe it was just a really bad blow job.Like a high school girl would really know what she’s doing down there. He once got body-slammed by a cop into a window outside a Waffle House in Texas.Just Alex has been hospitalized for drunkenness a couple times, and has had to be tied and handcuffed to hospital beds to keep him from ripping the IV out and leaving.Finally, he once made out with a stripper and got his wallet stolen in a cab in Las Vegas.Now, that’s material for a sequel to The Hangover.
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
Hunt for Brown Cocktober
Fuzzy Wuzzy was Confused
Against the Wall and Spread ‘Em
Scattered, Smothered, Covered, and Nailed
USSR You In?
Putin my Ass
Quit Stalin, Let’s Trotsky
Caress My Cock
Deep in the Butt of Texas
If I Were a Stiff Man
Abu Gay Ass
So many good names, so little time.It was a tough call, but the pack couldn’t resist the combination of limp dicks and music theatre and eventually chose to name Just Alex If I Were a Stiff Man.
The pack was way too rowdy to do a second naming, so instead, we drank more, sang “Jesus Saves,” had a beer fight and much, much later, went to the bar and tried to get laid.