EWH3 #547 – Farragut Square

Hares:  Cocktuplets, Cunt of the Litter, El Vago Libre, Peas on my Face, Just Alex

Brew Crew:  Hungry Hungry Hungry Homo, Mannipple Lickter

Virgins:  Just: Ross, Andreas, Matt, Sean, Jackie, Rodney, Adam, Sara, Dimple, Adam, Margie, Kristin, Greg

Visitors:  Save a Tree, Ride a Cowboy (Boston H3—transplant), Sister Swallow (Baghdad H3—transplant), Breakfast Boobie Trap (Baghdad H3—transplant), Drunk Whisperer (Sir Walter Raleigh H3)

Analversaries:  Little Red Ride Me Good—200 hashes

Ononon:  Recessions

 

The pack circled up in Farragut Square, named after Admiral Farragut, who said one of my favorite quotations ever, “Damn the torpedoes.  Full steam ahead!”  Isn’t that pretty much everyone’s M.O. after last call?  We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, through a soccer field and around a playground.  The pack then threaded its way through a dark alley, where we found Peas on my Face giving out shots of Sparks.  We were all energized after that, but it didn’t last too long, as most of the route to the beer check was uphill.

 

After beer check near a replica of the Spanish Steps, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park and ran on a trail along the creek.  Fortunately, given that we weren’t warned that we might need headlamps, long socks, and the like, the trail ran alongside the water instead of going through it.  Once we exited the park, it was a short jaunt to the on-in, in another alley, where men loitering near the loading docks leered on.    

 

Violations:

  • Just Kristin tried to get away without paying her $5.  It’s a hash, not a gang bang, as much as they sometimes seem alike.  You can’t come for free!
  • Assflac really, really wanted to know how to give Cum and Knock on my Back Door’s dad a boner.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock once had a passionate one-night stand with Just Greg and gave him his favorite bandanna as a keepsake, but told Just Greg that his name was “America.”  Just Greg showed up at the hash wearing that bandanna and saying that, “America made [him] come.”
  • Just Dimple showed up at the hash pre-named.
  • Breakfast Boobie Trap pillaged homes in Baghdad and smuggled priceless antiques back to the US in her bra.
  • Mudflap complained that “it” was too big and he was getting too much head.  Why would anyone ever be unhappy about those things?
  • Snap Crackle Poop thought the shot of Sparks was a urine sample and drank it anyway.  I didn’t know he was into water sports.
  • Brokeback Mama had a stalking FAIL:  he but kept forgetting the girl’s name.  How can he possibly look her up on Facebook and HashSpace or Google her like that? 
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me pulled a Topher and paid the hash cash by check.
  • Cocktuplets had said that haring a trail was on her bucket list.  That’s weak sauce; you’ve gotta come up with something better than that.  Go jump out of a plane or something!
  • Little Red Ride Me Good, Double-Ohh Positive, Cum of a Preacher’s Hand and Ankles Away had a foursome on trail.
  • Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’ made her sister come.  Way to keep it in the family!
  • Wookin’ Pa Nub ended up leading the walkers.  There’s something very, very wrong with this picture.
  • Just Scot tried to hurdle a sign, got hit in the junk for his troubles, and gave himself a Darwin Award in the process. 
  • Peas on my Face brought her giant labia to the hash but wouldn’t let any of the boys play with them.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Michael J. Fucks brought technology on trail.  Also, she should watch out for Brokeback Mama; he’s stalking her.  Rather ineptly, but still. 
  • Hair Cuntery located end circle where there was a ghetto velvet rope for him to stand behind while stunt RA-ing.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door was talking about his dad’s boner.
  • Underground Railroad went and got herself engaged.  Congratulations on sleeping with the same person for the rest of eternity! 
  • The hares laid a walkers’ trail that was more interesting than the runners’ trail.
  • Whore Crimes wanted to have sex before going to the hash.  Edgar Allan Ho protested that they didn’t have enough time.  Whore Crimes responded, “We’ve got 4 minutes!”
  • Edgar Allan Ho—beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Assflac shouldn’t talk about how beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Hair Cuntery is the replacement for Mush Mouth on the Fat Albert Show.

 

The police came by and weren’t happy about our circle location, but said we only needed to clear the area in front of the loading dock.  We relocated to the far end of the alley and then we had a NAMING!

Just Alex was born in Russia, went to University of Oregon, and now works for the Army Material Command as a budget anal-yst.  He’s so anal, he laminated the trail maps.  He keeps asking his girlfriend, Cunt of the Litter, to do anal with him, but she keeps refusing.  Also, he likes bears.  And people wonder why EWH3 is the gayest hash around!  Just Alex lost his virginity during his junior year in high school, the same year that he went limp after being given a blow job for 20 minutes.  For all the mocking we did, maybe it was just a really bad blow job.  Like a high school girl would really know what she’s doing down there.  He once got body-slammed by a cop into a window outside a Waffle House in Texas.  Just Alex has been hospitalized for drunkenness a couple times, and has had to be tied and handcuffed to hospital beds to keep him from ripping the IV out and leaving.  Finally, he once made out with a stripper and got his wallet stolen in a cab in Las Vegas.  Now, that’s material for a sequel to The Hangover.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Hunt for Brown Cocktober
  • Fuzzy Wuzzy was Confused
  • Against the Wall and Spread ‘Em
  • Scattered, Smothered, Covered, and Nailed
  • Protected Feces
  • USSR You In?
  • Putin my Ass
  • Quit Stalin, Let’s Trotsky
  • Fluffleupagus
  • Dodge Vagina
  • Caress My Cock
  • Deep in the Butt of Texas
  • If I Were a Stiff Man

and

  • Abu Gay Ass

 

So many good names, so little time.  It was a tough call, but the pack couldn’t resist the combination of limp dicks and music theatre and eventually chose to name Just Alex If I Were a Stiff Man. 

 

The pack was way too rowdy to do a second naming, so instead, we drank more, sang “Jesus Saves,” had a beer fight and much, much later, went to the bar and tried to get laid. 

 

Beer-drenched hugs and kisses,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, Brokeback Mama, Meals on Wheels, Rusty Trombone, and 8mm.
Brew Crew: I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just John, Robin, Jill, Brett, Kate, Dwyler, Dion, Marcus and Ben
Visitors: No visitors were stupid enough to run this trail
Analversaries: Marco Homo (Brew Crew Jersey), Uncle Tom’s Stabbin (17), Have Fun Storming the Asshole (17), Rusty Trombone (17) and
A-Salt My Ass (69)
OnOnOn: The Ugly Mug

We circled up, performed the normal rituals and then the hares came into the middle to tell us how short, flat, dry and well laid this trail was.  They then proceeded to mess up our opening song “Hi, My Name is Joe.”  Apparently this song is so complicated for these hares that they can’t remember it, in spite of the fact that we sing it every week!

How the first section of trail was I can’t really say because I zenned most of it with a couple of other hashers that had spotted trail on their way to opening circle.  We picked up trail and eventually the FRBs from caught up to us and we rejoined the pack.  After running with the pack for less than a mile trail sort of just disappeared.  After some aimless wondering by the pack, the harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch!, informed us the shot check was supposed to be near the corrections center and that he was going to lead us there.  Many howls of “But that’s 14 blocks away!  Can’t you just lead us to beer check?” were heard from many members of the pack.

On our way to the corrections center not a single mark was seen… once we were there we didn’t see any shot check either.  RO,B! looked around confused claiming “Well, shot check was supposed to be here!”  While we didn’t see any shots we did find a check and proceeded to get back on trail.  Eventually we found the shot check (about a half a mile away) and the hares manning it blamed the lack of trail on some freak rain storm… I never saw any rain on trail… just sayin…

While there actually were marks to be found after the shot check, they really weren’t all that useful when it came to following the actual trail… For example at one point we were true-trailed into a BT, which you had to blow through in order to pick up trail again.  Yeah that made sense… In spite of everything most of the pack did actually make it to the beer check, although from the stories I heard I don’t think ANYONE (other than, maybe, the hares) accomplished this feat by actually following trail!

The trail from beer check to the end was less eventful. Of course I pretty much followed Presidential Nasty into the end who may or may not have actually been following trail, so what the fuck do I know?  Now onto the details:

Violations:

  • The hares were bragging about how well laid the trail was during the opening circle.  None of these hares have laid ANYTHING well in their lives, this trail was no exception!
  • Hair Cuntery wore matching shoes and shorts to the hash.  He even made up a song about it.  I’m sure he’ll have his own show on Bravo soon enough.
  • Motor Mouth jumped Hair Cuntery for screaming “white flour!” Motor had no right to be offended because, as we all know, he isn’t really black.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack got peed on by a dog at the beginning of trail.  In a completely unrelated violation Have Fun Storming the Asshole did a down-down for owning a gay dog that’s into watersports.
  • People were questioning whether Double Ohhh, Positive was really a man after he had to urinate three times on the first half of walkers trail.
  • Fecal Attraction was complaining that his ass was so sore he couldn’t sit down.  In another completely unrelated violation, FA’s girlfriend, Just Elyse, recently threw her back out and had an unlikely story about how she did it.  (Something about walking to work in sneakers…)
  • The hares decided to “lay” a choose your own adventure trail.  I use “lay” in the loosest sense of the word here…
  • Muff the Magic Dragon can’t tell if something is hard or soft.
  • Eat Your Vegetables was wearing new shoes.  I’m sure they gave his down-down that little extra something.
  • Put It Out was at Freddies last week complaining that his drink didn’t come with an umbrella, so the bartender made him a “purple pussy” (umbrella included).  No word on whether or not PIO got the bartenders phone number.

Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Vicki went to school at James Madison University, home of the Dukes.  She was finance major who is currently unemployed.  (Upon hearing Just Vicki’s employment status the crowd cheered.)  Her favorite farmyard animal is the rabbit and her favorite sexual position is ‘reverse wheelbarrow.’  After some discussion within the circle it was determined that reverse wheelbarrow was a lot like regular wheelbarrow except that the girl is facing the ceiling instead of the floor.

When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Vicki told us about the time she burned her ass on the dryer while having a threesome with her roommate and some guy in the laundry room.  In another story her and a guy she was with were interrupted during sex when another couple walked in naked wanting to join them.  (According to Just Vicki this other couple was turned down.)  When someone in crowd asked how often she gets propositioned for group sex, Just Vicki replied “Isn’t that just another Monday?”

Just Vicki can’t read (go JMU!) and therefore doesn’t have any favorite authors.  She had no idea what the meanest thing she had ever done was either.  We did learn that she gave her first blow job at the age of 16 and that her current roommate is sleeping with a married guy.

The crowd came up with the following nominations for Just Vicki:

  • Delecunt Cycle
  • Cunt by Numbers
  • Dry Fuck Only
  • Downy Fresh
  • Two Girls One Cycle
  • Choo Choo
  • Sit-n-Spin
  • Minage a wash
  • Poonmate Wanted
  • Burn to be Wild


The laundry theme was strong and at the end Just Vicki was christened Swing Cycle in reference to her burned ass and her apparent commitment to a non-monogamous lifestyle.  We broke circle, went to ononon, drank and tried to get laid.   Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were.

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #545 – The Jorts Association of Arlington Hash, Pentagon City

Hares:  Cum and Knock on my Back Door, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Silly Gay Virus, Put It Out (aka Father Time)

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Marco Homo

Virgins:  Just: Adrian, Amanda B, Amanda J, Chris, David, Derek, Heidi, Jacob, Jamie, Jason, Jennifer F, Jennifer T, Jillian, Kelly, Laura, Mai, Megan, Melinda, Michael, Partin, Tony, Trevor, William

Visitors:  Tiger Woody (Azerbaijan H3), Beaker Stroker, Just Timothy Silly

Analversaries:  Dyke Tyson—69 hashes

Ononon:  Tortoise and Hare

The pack gathered in a field just past Pentagon City Mall, after getting in on the pickup soccer games going on.  We were all supposed to wear jorts, but since someone didn’t mention in the trail news that there was a theme, pretty much the only people wearing jorts were the hares, so they looked even gayer than usual.  We proceeded on a long, circuitous route through Arlington.  I would tell you about the trail, but I can’t tell you.  That part of Arlington around Pentagon City, Crystal City, and points slightly south all looks the same to me—too many gray office buildings with high walls.  It was basically, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, and so on.  That is, until we came right back to Pentagon City Mall, and had to go through it and come out the other side.  Some people may have gone in through the Metro or the Nordstrom entrance, but a few of us decided to run through the Ritz-Carlton.  All the miles of running on and through hot, grey concrete were worth it just to feel that sweet, sweet air conditioning in the hotel and mall, and to see the looks on the hotel guests’ faces as we thundered by.  Scaring rich people is my favorite hobby, don’t ya know.  Not long after that, we found ourselves at the first beer check, in a secluded grassy area.

 We took off rather quickly, ran up and down some hills, until we got to the base of a long, steep hill, which most people would normally walk up.  However, there was a pretty good incentive to run:  Jello shots.  And no wimpy vodka jello shots on this trail; nope, these jello shots were made with bourbon.  Tasty, tasty bourbon.  WIN.  All liquored up, we made our way to a big house in South Arlington, home of three of the hares, where we had yet another beer check.  This beer check didn’t just have beer—it had a slip ‘n’ slide.   Best. Trail. Ever.  (Well, best trail that doesn’t involve Marion Barry, anyway.)  After many many turns on the slip ‘n’ slide, the pack, soaking wet and covered in baby oil, headed back north towards Crystal City, past 395, and to the on-in, under some railroad tracks to drink again, some more. 

 Violations:

  • Roll Over, Bitch! forgot to mention the jorts theme, thus missing an opportunity to ogle dozens harriettes in Daisy Dukes.  You’re doing it wrong.
  • The hares only took a 10-minute head start because they wanted to get their pants pulled down.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock was wearing a pair of jorts made from what I’m pretty sure is the exact same pair of Guess? jeans that I had when I was in 8th grade.  In his case, it means Guess which gender he is, when you look at him from behind.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler and Dr. Boner were both wearing new drinking vessels.  Pittsburgh Kneeler’s were so new, she bought them en route to trail.
  • While some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, Kandy Panties wore his sleeve on his head.
  • Doesn’t Pull Out and I Manual Cunt 69’d each other on the slip ‘n’ slide.  No wonder EWH3 is the gayest hash ever.
  • Michael J. Fucks refused to do Jello shots on the grounds that they’re “not [her] style.”  Come on, you know you can find your inner sorwhority girl.
  • Double Ohh Positive was talking religion and politics on trail: While most people wouldn’t turn down oral in the Oval Office, he’d prefer Oral Roberts.
  • Gaystation took the red shot and exclaimed, “This tatsts like my Dad!”  Incest is best, it’s a game the whole family can play!
  • Just Stephanie complained that she got too much head.  How can there possibly be such a thing?
  • Just Brittany tried to auto-hash by humping the hood of a van.  You’re doing it wrong, but at least you’re doing it entertainingly.
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places stole Unobtainium’s shirt.  Isn’t it cute when couples wear each other’s clothing?
  • Piss on Me lost his bitch to a walker.  Sometimes, ladies like when guys move slow.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training continued her training by eating Cunt of the Litter’s cream.

 Violations from the Crowd:

  • CLIT only got to second base on the slip ‘n’ slide.
  • Motormouth tried to get some harriettes to grab onto his “branch” while going through shiggy.  Sorry, dude, you’re not black enough to convincingly pull that off.
  • Assflac complained that Wax On, Whacks Off hadn’t brought enough women into opening circle for “Hi, My Name Is Joe.”  WOWO pulled him in, resulting in a circle that may not have been filled with women but was filled with bitched
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure got kicked out of a beer garden in Germany for wearing the poor man’s lederhosen. 
  • Tits for Tots “saved the best for herself.”  Well, OF COURSE I do.  There are a lot of attractive harriettes out there. A girl’s gotta hold her own somehow.
  • Edgar Allan Ho didn’t want to get wet.
  • To the contrary, she did want to get wet, just not by Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock.
  • Whore Crimes must not be doing his job, if Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock has to offer to get Edgar Allan Ho wet.
  • Peace O’Chum  was all raceist and ran the Pike’s Peak Marathon.
  • Ass Spelunker  was a different kind of raceist; he won the Beer Mile.

Then we had a NAMING!

Just Kate hails from Oakland, CA, and attended Georgetown University, where she studied Middle East history.  She currently raises funds for the American Geophysical Foundation, but is about to start a new job as an administrative contractor at the Pentagon.  Just Kate lost her virginity at age 16 in her bedroom, to her high school boyfriend.  She has since had sex in a yellow Volkswagen Beetle with a flower on the dashboard, been caught shagging by US Park Police, who told her then-paramour to “give her four walls and a roof,” and turned multiple boyfriends gay.  Just Kate likes it rough, and her favorite position is something called, “ankles to ears.”  She is currently dating Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, so expect him to come out of the closet imminently.

 Someone suggested “High Noon,” which didn’t receive all that enthusiastic of a reception, but then another wanker nominated Ankles Away, and the crowd went so wild, we didn’t need to hear any more.  Game over!

That naming went so quickly that we were going to name another Just, but he’d disappeared, so we went to the on-on-on, drank more beer, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid… which, come to think of it, may not go so well with karaoke. 

On-slip-n-slide-on,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe