EWH3 #640: Capitol South St. Patty’s Day Trail

Hares: Compost Pile, Shamrock Your Cock, Latter Day Stains, Scarlett Letter, Just Veronika, Just Kelly

Virgins: Catherine, Tara, Jared, Brian, Mason, Caitlyn, Jen, Spencer, Laura, Devon, Kate, Matt, Laurel, James

Visitors: Side Show Jesus (Ithica), Tastes Like Chicken and Stunt Dick Double(Corpus Christy)

OnOnOn: Bullfeathers

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Oscar Wilde – This was for sure how I felt when I stumbled into work on Friday to the sound of my boss laughing at me. It was worth it though for the awesomeness that was the St. Patrick’s day hash……

Slainte wankers! This is a day on which three great events collide, the March Madness kickoff, the day of the great St. Patrick and one of the first really warm weather hashes. That’s right those days of skimpily clad hares and harrietts are here again. The pack circled up outside the Cap South metro and was off in the direction of the ballpark. We quickly turned and ran through a park where we found, what turned out to be the first of many, delicious shots….JELLO! After that we headed up towards Pennsylvania and found another shot…this one of whiskey. We stumbled the rest of the way around the Hill and checked under 395.

After a few beers we are off in the direction of the Navy Yard. We weaved in and out of those Easter egg colored condos where we found our final prize, a shot of some sort of Bailey’s concoction that was absolutely delicious.  From there it was a straight shot; no wait just kidding there is one more surprise….boxed wine! After slapping the bag we finally finished up once again under 392 (or 295, I don’t know the roads that well and I was really drunk by then). After some treats and drinks it was time for….

Violations

Chippe’n Fails was trying to hit on the deaf chick but his lines were to lame even for her….so he asked if anyone knew a band chick bc they are apparently even easier.

Holy Milk Of My Mother was heard screaming “you can’t have my vagina!”

Silver Spooge asked to rub Little Red Ride Me Good, so that’s what they’re calling it these days.

One Tit Only admitted that the bra she was wearing was found hash treasure

Floral Sex’s virgin was the reason she was late…that’s never good

Hungry Hungry Homo for his tony hawk impression without a board

The Hares for leaving a 4 loco unattended

ZZ Bottom III lost his pearl necklace on trail….thankfully I Am Cumsing was able to give him another

The hares for drawing a BT as big as their nonexistent cocks

Trim Shady flashed Dungeons & DragQueens to get her own beads back

I’m sure there were violations from the crowd but you were all being way to loud for me to hear them. Anyway it was onto an exciting event….a NAMING!

Just Mary is from bumfuck VA and went to GWU where she studied dance.  Her favorite barnyard animal is a cow and she likes the Little Mermaid, she also dated Chippe’n Fails. She apparently had a competition in HS to see who could give a guy head first and won. She once woke up and thought she had pink eye….then the guy in the bed told her that “no its just bc I jerked off in your face and it got in your eye.” Her favorite sex toy is The Bullet and she sometimes likes to make out with girls.

Names that didn’t suck:

Head of the Class

Ginger Spread Girl

Head First

The Black Twat

Preparation OH

Skeet, Spray, Love

Hiney Dancer

Henceforth and forever more Just Mary shall be known as Preparation OH

On-Irish-On

6 Pigs in a Blanket

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #639Its Tourist Season Bitches! Trail- Smithsonian Metro

Hares:              London Bitches Falling Down, Six Pigs In A Blanket, Not To Scale, Just Mary

Virgins:           Just Allie, Emily2 (Emily & Emily, The Emilys, etc), Alex

Visitor:                        Just Amanda, Brooklyn

Bonestroker, Boise Idaho

OnOnOn:        Hamilton’s

The pack circled up outside the Mall exit of the Smithsonian metro.  After a day of God’s tears weeping for the loss of dignity for every hasher in attendance at the WIE Weekend (it was raining), hashers stood around in a precarious lull.  Some examined their phones, tracking the incoming storm, while others  looked eager to shed the title of “Fair-Weather Hasher.”  Many soaked shirts and souls later, they would have earned that right.

The pack went off and was pretty much immediately lost.  We got away from the Mall quite quickly (tourist my a$$!) and basically lived a vacationer’s nightmare: heading into SW and not knowing where we were going.  Scary!  The rain picked up intensely for about 10 minutes and despite the lack of actual boob checks laid on trail, the hashers were treated to free ones from harriets who did decided to ignore the weather (probably on purpose).  We ran past the Waterfront and to a usual end-spot under 395 where we huddled for warmth and drank beer.

Knowing that the OnOn was at Hamilton’s pretty much gave away the spot for end circle, and the second half pretty much became a disgruntled pack heading straight to the end.  Most of us beat the hares.  For shame!  It started raining a bit, and so it was time for…

A Naming!

Wait, what?  Oh yea, our illustrious RA Wax On, Whacks Off doesn’t play by the rules!  Just Matt flies with Airhead.  He generally falls in love with strippers and will usually spend 3-4 grand a night on them.  Apparently he’s easily fooled.  He often gets strippers to sleep in his bed and then he’ll sleep on the couch.  He’s dating Just Nathalie, tricked her into sexstuff, and once had sex with a young girl (while he was a young guy?).

Names:                Stripkeys

Strawberry Jam

Gomer Pedophile

Lockbox

And it was quickly deemed that Just Matt would hereafter be known as Gomer Pedophile!

And then it was time for…..

(Wet Joke) Violations

Chippen Failz brought two female virgins to the hash, since tonight was pretty much the only guarantee that they would get wet.

The Hares made a tourist hash but they should have known that it never rains on vacation!

Pussy Tits & Ass claimed she doesn’t come to EWH3 that often since the guys here don’t do it for her, but check out how wet she got!

Miss Me Gag Me and Blow Blow Blow Your Boat went behind the dumpster for some lesbian fun, but they were safe since Blow Blow was wearing the world’s biggest dental dam.

All Harriets had to drink, as we couldn’t decide what smelled worse, them or the SW fish market we ran by.

Just Alex (a male) said that Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock brought him at the start, but then saidChippen Failz brought him at the end, begging the question- who’s better?!

Gaystation and General’s Farm Animal helped an old Asian lady take out her trash, but did not make it into a porn.  Coxxx on Demand was then brought in, because he actually wanted to see that porn.

Violations from the Crowd

Gaystation said he can’t drink beer because he’s lactose intolerant.  Hm.

London Bitches Going Down snuck into Tits for Tots’ bed at the WIE Weekend.

Latter Day Stains only took 700 photos over the course of 1 weekend.  He’s slacking.

Roll Over, Bitch! had a gay umbrella.

And hello déjà vu, it was time for another wet naming!

Just Kristen likes standing sex and is dating Gaystation.  She went to Danville University.  Her ex-boyfriend crashed the Country Music Awards, stole a stretch limo, and was able to evade the police.  She’s done other things, like be super skinny and break into the van for us, but I was wet and cold and stopped taking many notes, until we got to…

Names:                Open Source

Fast & Curious

Triple X-Box

Slim Pickings

Driving Ms. Sleazy

Grand Theft Anal

After much lambasting it became obvious that Just Kristen would now be known as Grand Theft Anal!

We went to Hamilton’s, where we attempted to eat all of their chili-cheese tots (we did) and drink all their beer (obviously).

Am I dry yet?

Whiskey Business

EWHs Scribe

EWH3 #638: Another PIO Karaoke Trail/ Adams Morgan/Woodly Park

Hares: Put It Out, Air Head, Lick James Bitch, & Choke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

Virgins: Carcus, Emily (x2), Nick, LJ, Eliza, Spencer, Lindsay

Visitors: Road Kill (?), Just Jess (Ottawa)

OnOnOn: Peyote Cafe

The pack circled up close to the Adams Morgan metro stop for what was sure to be a solidly hilly/shiggytastic trail. We were not disappointed. Trail pretty much dipped right into Rock Creek Park and I’m not sure that it ever left. Those tricky hared lead us through amounts of shaggy not seen in a long, long time. I’m not going to lie I loved it.  Eventually after we had fought off all the pricker bushes and scaled cliffs that rivalled Chris Sharma’s Mandala we finally stumbled down the Spanish steps to beer check.

As long as the first “half” of trail was the second was sure to be shorter….and thankfully it was. The pack took off from beer check and was soon following the light reflecting off Chippen Fails’s ass up 19th and into the Marie Reed field normally crawling with kick ballers. We waited around for Plan B for a while and then set up the longest ever bag line while the beer and snacks were distributed. Then it was finally time for some….

Violations:

6 Fags was so hopped up on NyQuil that he tackled Yes Sir, Yes She’s Fat into the bushes thinking he was his imaginary girlfriend

The Hares for running out of flour half way through the first half….oh wait its bc the first half went on for forever

Manipple Lickter learned that it is always better to swallow when he was heard yelling “It hit me all in the face!”

PSA had a cab waiting for him as soon as we all emerged from the second round of shaggy

1 If By Man 2 If By She for not knowing what a ball tap is….then again she does date Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock so she must not really know what balls are to begin with….

Fuxedo will be missing the beach weekend so he can stuff himself inside another man

General Ass Pounder wants to become a Dr so that he can spend his days sticking his finger up guys’ butts.

Violations from the Crowd:

Tits for Tots….its not zenning when you know where you are

Apparently you were all so unfunny that WoWo needed to once again remind you that if you want to violate someone it better be good…it was then time for A NAMING!!

Just Kristina is from the Jersey Shore and went to Rutgers where she studied something sciencey and UPenn for Law, she currently works as a Patent Attorney. In her spare time she rescues stray dogs and sings in the Congressional Chorus. The first time she was giving her college BF head he farted and it smelt so bad that she started to gag. He got really embarrassed and upset so she said “oh don’t worry its just bc your so big.” Once when she was working in a research lab she got really drunk at the annual Christmas Party and started playing with the chemicals…..which caused her to chloroform herself.

Names that didn’t suck:

Shiggy Shagger

Brown Out

Agent Brown

She Who Spelt It, Blew It

The Shituation

After much cheering and fist pumping it was decided that henceforth and forever more throughout the world of hashing Just Kristina would be known as The Shituation.

On-is it time for Jumbo Slice now?-On

6 Pigs In A Blanket

EWH3 Scribe