EWH3 #545 – The Jorts Association of Arlington Hash, Pentagon City

Hares:  Cum and Knock on my Back Door, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Silly Gay Virus, Put It Out (aka Father Time)

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Marco Homo

Virgins:  Just: Adrian, Amanda B, Amanda J, Chris, David, Derek, Heidi, Jacob, Jamie, Jason, Jennifer F, Jennifer T, Jillian, Kelly, Laura, Mai, Megan, Melinda, Michael, Partin, Tony, Trevor, William

Visitors:  Tiger Woody (Azerbaijan H3), Beaker Stroker, Just Timothy Silly

Analversaries:  Dyke Tyson—69 hashes

Ononon:  Tortoise and Hare

The pack gathered in a field just past Pentagon City Mall, after getting in on the pickup soccer games going on.  We were all supposed to wear jorts, but since someone didn’t mention in the trail news that there was a theme, pretty much the only people wearing jorts were the hares, so they looked even gayer than usual.  We proceeded on a long, circuitous route through Arlington.  I would tell you about the trail, but I can’t tell you.  That part of Arlington around Pentagon City, Crystal City, and points slightly south all looks the same to me—too many gray office buildings with high walls.  It was basically, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, and so on.  That is, until we came right back to Pentagon City Mall, and had to go through it and come out the other side.  Some people may have gone in through the Metro or the Nordstrom entrance, but a few of us decided to run through the Ritz-Carlton.  All the miles of running on and through hot, grey concrete were worth it just to feel that sweet, sweet air conditioning in the hotel and mall, and to see the looks on the hotel guests’ faces as we thundered by.  Scaring rich people is my favorite hobby, don’t ya know.  Not long after that, we found ourselves at the first beer check, in a secluded grassy area.

 We took off rather quickly, ran up and down some hills, until we got to the base of a long, steep hill, which most people would normally walk up.  However, there was a pretty good incentive to run:  Jello shots.  And no wimpy vodka jello shots on this trail; nope, these jello shots were made with bourbon.  Tasty, tasty bourbon.  WIN.  All liquored up, we made our way to a big house in South Arlington, home of three of the hares, where we had yet another beer check.  This beer check didn’t just have beer—it had a slip ‘n’ slide.   Best. Trail. Ever.  (Well, best trail that doesn’t involve Marion Barry, anyway.)  After many many turns on the slip ‘n’ slide, the pack, soaking wet and covered in baby oil, headed back north towards Crystal City, past 395, and to the on-in, under some railroad tracks to drink again, some more. 

 Violations:

  • Roll Over, Bitch! forgot to mention the jorts theme, thus missing an opportunity to ogle dozens harriettes in Daisy Dukes.  You’re doing it wrong.
  • The hares only took a 10-minute head start because they wanted to get their pants pulled down.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock was wearing a pair of jorts made from what I’m pretty sure is the exact same pair of Guess? jeans that I had when I was in 8th grade.  In his case, it means Guess which gender he is, when you look at him from behind.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler and Dr. Boner were both wearing new drinking vessels.  Pittsburgh Kneeler’s were so new, she bought them en route to trail.
  • While some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, Kandy Panties wore his sleeve on his head.
  • Doesn’t Pull Out and I Manual Cunt 69’d each other on the slip ‘n’ slide.  No wonder EWH3 is the gayest hash ever.
  • Michael J. Fucks refused to do Jello shots on the grounds that they’re “not [her] style.”  Come on, you know you can find your inner sorwhority girl.
  • Double Ohh Positive was talking religion and politics on trail: While most people wouldn’t turn down oral in the Oval Office, he’d prefer Oral Roberts.
  • Gaystation took the red shot and exclaimed, “This tatsts like my Dad!”  Incest is best, it’s a game the whole family can play!
  • Just Stephanie complained that she got too much head.  How can there possibly be such a thing?
  • Just Brittany tried to auto-hash by humping the hood of a van.  You’re doing it wrong, but at least you’re doing it entertainingly.
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places stole Unobtainium’s shirt.  Isn’t it cute when couples wear each other’s clothing?
  • Piss on Me lost his bitch to a walker.  Sometimes, ladies like when guys move slow.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training continued her training by eating Cunt of the Litter’s cream.

 Violations from the Crowd:

  • CLIT only got to second base on the slip ‘n’ slide.
  • Motormouth tried to get some harriettes to grab onto his “branch” while going through shiggy.  Sorry, dude, you’re not black enough to convincingly pull that off.
  • Assflac complained that Wax On, Whacks Off hadn’t brought enough women into opening circle for “Hi, My Name Is Joe.”  WOWO pulled him in, resulting in a circle that may not have been filled with women but was filled with bitched
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure got kicked out of a beer garden in Germany for wearing the poor man’s lederhosen. 
  • Tits for Tots “saved the best for herself.”  Well, OF COURSE I do.  There are a lot of attractive harriettes out there. A girl’s gotta hold her own somehow.
  • Edgar Allan Ho didn’t want to get wet.
  • To the contrary, she did want to get wet, just not by Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock.
  • Whore Crimes must not be doing his job, if Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock has to offer to get Edgar Allan Ho wet.
  • Peace O’Chum  was all raceist and ran the Pike’s Peak Marathon.
  • Ass Spelunker  was a different kind of raceist; he won the Beer Mile.

Then we had a NAMING!

Just Kate hails from Oakland, CA, and attended Georgetown University, where she studied Middle East history.  She currently raises funds for the American Geophysical Foundation, but is about to start a new job as an administrative contractor at the Pentagon.  Just Kate lost her virginity at age 16 in her bedroom, to her high school boyfriend.  She has since had sex in a yellow Volkswagen Beetle with a flower on the dashboard, been caught shagging by US Park Police, who told her then-paramour to “give her four walls and a roof,” and turned multiple boyfriends gay.  Just Kate likes it rough, and her favorite position is something called, “ankles to ears.”  She is currently dating Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, so expect him to come out of the closet imminently.

 Someone suggested “High Noon,” which didn’t receive all that enthusiastic of a reception, but then another wanker nominated Ankles Away, and the crowd went so wild, we didn’t need to hear any more.  Game over!

That naming went so quickly that we were going to name another Just, but he’d disappeared, so we went to the on-on-on, drank more beer, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid… which, come to think of it, may not go so well with karaoke. 

On-slip-n-slide-on,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Semen on the Pew, Jeffe Lengua, Low Pressure Front and General’s Farm Animal
Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Homo and Red Vag of Courage
Virgins: Just Rob, John, Jerad,Christie, Tina, Liz, Mike and Craig
Visitors: Red Pussy Lover (Haiti) and Helm Me I’m Wet (St. Louise)
Analversaries: None
OnOnOn: Lee’s Restaurant, Bar and Liquor

What can I say about this trail?  It was way the f*ck out there and about a mile of trail was through a stream bed (true).  The hares totally knew what they were doing and no one got lost because trail was so well laid (false).

It pretty long ago so I don’t remember many specifics. (Yeah, yeah I’m way behind on writing my trash, screw you!)  The one thing I do remember is Low Pressure Front (one of the hares) asking me to scout around one block to see if that’s where the end circle was… the hare not knowing where the end is a sure sign of well planned trail!

Violations:

  • Beat All You Can Beat just got back from Afghanistan and was sporting a big bushy beard.  He was violated for “going native” while deployed.
  • Cock Your Suck I Will can’t seem to stay off of her knees on trail.
  • The Hares were violated for laying a trail so bad that even Cock-a-doodle Do Me would rather suck a cock than run it again.
  • Cum Dumpling got tagged in the ass (err sting by a bee) on trail and needed his brother CoXXX On Demand to check to see if he had a bloody asshole.
  • Just Kristie didn’t want to get wet on trail but when she finally did realized that she kind of liked it.
  • Late Night Drive Through had a GPS on trail but forgot to use it when she got lost.
  • Cock Your Suck I will had to go back into the woods to find some emergency cash that she had stuffed in her bras and dropped.  With the amount of cash she had was a grand total of $2.  It’s hard to imagine what sort of jam $2 would get you out of…
  • The Hares were violated for laying a trail that made you bleed more than a virgin getting finger banged while at the same time making you itch like you’ve been with a 50 year old whore.
  • 3 Ring Cervix confused EWH3 with OTH and showed up 45 minutes late for trail.
  • General’s Farm Animal Fell down in the water, as a hare he should have been more aware of the hazards.

Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Kam went to Salisbury University (home of the Seagulls)  where she studied nursing.  When asked if she liked the band ‘Flock of Seagulls’ I believe that Just Kam replied, yes. Just Kam works as, shocker, a nurse… in fucking Pennsylvania!

Just Kam’s favorite farm animal is a cow and her favorite sexual position is any one where her legs are up.  When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Kam talked about her brother in law and neigbor trying, unsuccessfully, to be peeping toms.  Since the crowd wasn’t sure why this was embarrassing for Just Kam we asked her for another embarrassing sex story.  For try number two she relayed a story about being asleep at the foot of a bed being awoken by the bed slamming her in the face because another couple was having sex in it.

She claimed that she had been laid within the past month.  She also admitted to faking orgasms in the past.  When asked for the most interesting place she’s had sex she replied in a Camry or a Volkswagen on Douglass street, which strikes me as both uninteresting and strangely specific.  She denied ever having anal sex.  Apparently whether she spits or swallows “depends.”  She had been given a pearl necklace before.

Story: Once for a college Public Health class Just Kam had to go to a prison to teach sex ed.  During her one of her tours of the prison she caught one of the prisoners masturbating to her.

Then Just Kam was asked a very dumb question that, amazingly, produced an interesting answer.  Q: Who was the stupidest guy you had ever had sex with? A: This guy with the nickname ‘Biscuit.’  Oh and it turned out that ‘Biscuit’ was the guy that took her virginity.

Armed with the info the crowd came up with the following names for Just Kam:

  • Jail House Cock
  • Drop the Soup
  • Prison Jerk
  • Limp Biscuit
  • Biscuits & Gravy
  • Blood Sausage and Biscuits
  • Conjugal Biscuit
  • Pillsbury Maulboy
  • Biscuits and Teabags
  • Muffin Top

Finally the name Cockin Fresh Dough was thrown out there and the crowd (and our RA) approved.  So now Just Kam has a proper hash name, welcome to the club Cockin Fressh Dough!

Then we had a VERY special occasion… a SECOND naming! (We actually don’t do this every week!)

Just Masi went to the naval academy and is still in the Navy.  Where he works in IT.  His favorite sexual position is doggy style.  His most embarrassing sexual story was getting caught having sex on a park bench by the police.  The cops put the spot light on them but they kept going.  After the Po PP actually high-fived him.  (Which makes the story more cool than embarrassing but whatever…)

When his friend was asked for a story about Just Masi she just asked him to show the crowd his tongue, which was very long.  The harriets were very impressed and flurry of naming suggestions ensued.

  • Black from the Neck UP
  • Black Simmons
  • OJ Simmons (at this point I feel like I should tell you that Just Masi is a black man)
  • Naval Deep
  • Gene Simmons
  • Lick James, Bitch!

Finally we settled on Lick James, Bitch! and so at EWH3 and throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, fuck them) Just Masi will be known as Lick James, Bitch!

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #543 – Black of the Clones Hash, Waterfront

Hares:  Private Snowball, Runs with Bulls, Sucks It Blue, The Udder Ho, Hungry Hungry Homo, Rear Protein Injection

Brew Crew:  Fuck’s Up, Doc, Buttfuck Norris

Virgins:  Just: Chris, Erin, Nela, Miranda, Sam, Richie, Andy, Christine, Josh, Chad, Blair

Visitors:  Shitty Kitty Porn Porn (Vegas H3), Cherry Poppins (Ben Franklin Mob H3), Just Martha (Carleton College H3), Just Braydon (Seattle H3), Dam It and Damn It (Ann Arbor H3), Emergency Blow

Analversaries:  Duck Job—100 hashes

Ononon:  Jenny’s

The pack met up in front of a church on the Southwest Waterfront.  Not the church of beer, where we all worship, but an actual church.  We circled up, the hares came out in matching black t-shirts and kilts (except for RPI, who was wearing a towel—leave it to the one white dude to take a trend and make it look stupid), and after a rousing chorus of, “Hi, my name is Joe,” off we went.  It wasn’t too long before we got to the first shot check, a Black Russian.  By the time our stomachs settled from that, we reached the second shot check in a park, a White Russian.  That shot tied the whole trail together!  The pack ran on, thinking we’d hit the beer check at any second.  We ran by two or three locations where we’d had beer checks before, and still no Plan B in sight.  We got our hopes up and got let down so many times that by the time we finally reached beer check somewhere in Southeast, we could all identify with the plight of the angry black man.

The second half of trail was, thankfully, pretty short and sweet.  We crossed back into Southwest, hit our third shot check—a screwdriver, which didn’t fit the theme at all—and headed to the on-in, under a bridge. 

Offensive, Racist Violations (Srsly. If I believed in hell, I’d be going there for these):

  • Doesn’t Pull Out has been tracking his calorie intake.  How many are there in semen, anyway?  Inquiring minds want to know.
  • RPI was the Michael Jackson of the Black of the Clones hares.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock and PeeWee’s Little Adventure weren’t wearing matching shirts.  You’d almost think they’d gone straight.
  • Just Mosi really should’ve hared this trail.
  • Just Zara and Just Jen turned down the second shot once they found out that it was creamy.  Boys, don’t even bother trying.
  • Fluffer No Butther couldn’t stop at cock-blocking other hashers and had to go and cock-block a random dude who was getting a booty call in his car.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training introduced herself to Assfixiation with the greeting, “I love being wet! What’s your name?” Classy.
  • PoPo Disco was drinking out of a Starbucks mug that matched her bra and her shorts.  She’s so yuppietastic, she looks like she’s trying out to be in the Fairfax Rap video.
  • The hares laid a marathon of a trail.  I thought black dudes were only good at sprinting!
  • Suck her for Sushi said he had two virgins, but the girl didn’t come.  Dude, you’re doing it wrong.
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure drew candy on the back of his shirt to get some kids in the playground we ran through to follow him.  He’s starting to get himself confused with his namesake.  Next thing you know, he’ll get arrested for whacking off in an adult movie theatre (if they even still have those, since everyone gets their porn on the interwebs nowadays).
  • Just Erin was running with a fanny pack.  What tour bus did she get it from?
  • Assfixiation still thinks there’ll be tippy cup in 5 minutes.
  • The Udder Ho kept getting all the other hares confused with each other.  See, even black dudes can’t tell each other apart!
  • Motormouth didn’t hare the trail because he’s even whiter than RPI.
  • RPI took advantage of affirmative action to hare the trail.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Roll Over, Bitch!, the hare razor, made the black dudes work twice as hard to lay a trail twice as long as everyone else’s.
  • Emergency Blow was laying on the ground with a bunch of white stuff all over his face during the second shot check.  Tasty, no?
  • Duck Job needed permission from the man to cum to the hash.
  • Assflac thought Davy Crotch Itch was a virgin. 
  • Edgar Allan Ho got a new job and can be a sugar mama now.
  • The hares tried to start a gang on trail.
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure told a random on the street that we were chasing black people.
  • Double Ohhh Positive, Snap Crackle Poop, and Please Step Away from the Whores auto-hashed.
  • PoPo Disco bought her bra at Target, but she gets her underwear at the dollar store.
  • Areola Borealis was so excited about being able to pee like a guy, she gave her skirt to Sucks It Blue.
  • PoPo Disco said something about how stiff her hair was.  She should’ve swallowed.
  • Cock Your Suck I Will was being a raceist on trail. No, not that kind, the other kind.
  • Just Hallie asked Tony Panda if he wanted her to wipe his ass.
  • Shamrock Your Cock obviously isn’t doing her job well if Just Hallie has to ask Tony Panda that.

Then we had a NAMING!

Just Zara attended George Washington University, where she majored in international affairs, and now works for the Smithsonian, giving tours.  So that’s what they call head now!  She lost her virginity at age 17 in the back of a jeep and likes chickens and reverse cowgirl.  Just Zara owns a sex toy that she thinks is called the “little rabbit.”  She wore a pearl necklace to her first hash.  She once had sex on an incline bench press.  Just Zara once lost her underwear the morning after sex, but was found when her then-boyfriend’s dog puked it up while they were having breakfast with his mother. 

Shitty name suggestions were:

  • Lost and Found
  • At Least He Didn’t Shit it Out
  • Pumpin’ Wood
  • Oh, What A Bite
  • Whore Guide
  • Incline Pressed

and

  • One Way or the Other

 Before we could throw Just Zara back, it was mentioned that she neglected to tell us that she was on her period when her boyfriend’s dog ate and threw up her underwear.  Because of this, she will henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), be known as Clifford the Big Red Cock.

Since that went quickly, we had ANOTHER NAMING!

Just Brandon, who was thrown back last week, attended University of Minnesota, where he majored in psychology, and is now a writer for some publication for consumers.  He’s a Freudian, and he doesn’t like electric shocks, but he loves his mother.  Just Brandon lost her virginity at age 16 in his parents’ bedroom and has also gotten laid in the bathroom at Ulah Bistro on U Street.  When he was 5 years old, he punched his great-grandfather, and intentionally dialed the wrong number to apologize.  As a child, Just Brandon also busted a girl’s teeth.  She is now on MSNBC.  His high school nickname was “Felcher,” because he came in a girl and then ate her out.  I do not think that word means what you think it means.  Just Brandon was charged with felony vandalism for stealing signs when Minnesota won the Frozen Four.  He doesn’t come from blow jobs and hasn’t gotten laid in 2 years; these facts might be related.  He also taped and sold porn from junior high school through the middle of college. 

Name suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Wood Chipper
  • Indian Jizzer
  • Cold Cock
  • I’m Not Done, Bitch
  • GILF
  • Porntepreneur
  • Cut Out Paper Bag
  • Consume Her Abort
  • Father Dowling’s Mystery
  • Second Cumming
  • Jiminy Dick-it

and

  • Rusty Trombone

 The pack settled on Rusty Trombone—second time’s the charm!

Both namings done, we proceeded to the original on-on-on, Phillips, only to find it was closed.  But that didn’t stop us.  Hashers are nothing if not resourceful, so we went next door to Jenny’s, drank more beer, and tried to get laid. 

Damn, my quads still hurt from that trail,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe