EWH3 #539 – C*ck ‘n’ Roll, Metro Center
Hares: Cock Your Suck I Will, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me, CoXXX on Demand, Slumcock Anywhere, The Cock Strikes 12, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Shamrock Your Cock
Brew Crew: Runs with Bulls, Marco Homo
Virgins: Just way too many to keep track of
Visitors: Just Josh (Hindu Kush—transplant), Turbo Pussy (Boston—Transplant), Fucks Ewes (Portland)
Analversaries: 17 runs—Sextion 7 Housing, The Whores on the Bus Go Up and Down, 1 Girl, 2 Cups; 100 runs—My Little Pony, Do Me Howser
Ononon: Penn Quarter Sports Bar
The hares were so excited for us all to party like c*ck stars that they brought party favors: star-shaped sunglasses, fake tattoos, inflatable guitars, and confetti poppers. In honor of the late Michael Jackson, all the sunglasses were too small for anyone who didn’t have a child-size head. After circling up, the pack embarked on a trail so messy that it deserves its very own E! True Hollywood Story. We went through about 42 back checks before having to either climb over or sneak through a gap in a very rusty fence and reaching the shot check and downed a fruity concoction that the hares insisted was called, “The Cock of Paradise.” Maybe that’s what they’d like us to call it. After having our shots—both alcoholic and tetanus, after that fence—we climbed another fence and ran through some urban shiggy to the beer check on top of a parking deck.
A couple beers later, the pack took off through the urban shiggy before reaching the scariest place in DC. No, I’m not talking about Anacostia. I’m talking about Georgetown Law Center campus. Fortunately, most of the pack managed to escape unscathed, with all their money intact. (To the guy soliciting for the annual fund, give me a chance to pay off my damn loans first!) We then zigged and zagged through the Police Memorial and Chinatown, coming dangerously close to the On-On-On, before ending up at the same parking deck where we’d had beer check.
- Chippen Fails had a really good ride, but he just couldn’t stay up.
- Ass Spelunker turned another year older
- Put It Out he tried to emulate Michael Jackson and give himself a nose job, but he ran into a tree to do it and just ended up with a bloody face for his troubles.
- Big Bend Over wore a raceist t-shirt AND bragged about being the 3rd person into beer check.
- Do Me Howser went to the ice cream truck to hang out with the little kids gathered there, but wouldn’t let any of them lick his popsicle.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock got a new job doing math for a living and resigned himself to never getting laid again.
- Cute Lesbian in Training said, “I smell mothballs,” while running with Tar Squeal. I know it may have been a while, but that’s not a nice thing to say about Tar Squeal’s vagina.
- The hares for thinking you could make a trail entirely of back checks. More hares doesn’t necessarily equal a better trail, but when there are 7 of you, you can rotate on and off the ice in circle.
- Cocktuplets still doesn’t have a hole, even though there’s an operation to fix that.
- Silly Gay Virus was wearing the loudest, most obnoxious neon shirt I’ve seen since I was in grade school. Good thing those sunglasses actually fit me; I needed them just to look at it.
- Assflac made out with Just Maisie (WOWO’s weimaraner) and said he’s had worse.
- Big Bend Over was looking for the first aid kit because his nipples were chafed, and he wasn’t even wearing a corset.
- Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow is the worst wingman ever; he was going to bring something for Can’t Get Beaver to bang, but he forgot.
- Floral Sex, Double-Ohh Positive, and Please Step Away from the Whores auto-hashed in a cab.
- The Cock Strikes 12 tried to give people shots of flour. Despite all appearances, it’s not Jesus Juice from concentrate
- Just Steph was rubbing a confetti popper, trying to figure out how it worked, when it went off prematurely, in her hand.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Floral Sex can fit more in when she loses muscle tone.
- Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me tried to impersonate the drummer from Def Leppard, but she has one arm too many.
- Sexion 7 Housing said that no matter how you violated her, she still wouldn’t come all the time.
- Assflac is allergic to pussy, especially when it gets close to his face.
- Osama Bin Put It Out wrapped his t-shirt around his head to look like a turban.
- Tits for Tots wiped out on trail but was relieved to at least not have hurt her bone.
Then we had a NAMING!
Just May attended the Naval Academy, where she majored in oceanography, and is now a supply officer. She’s a lightweight who gets drunk on 2 beers, but she is a pro at booting and rallying; her record is puking 5 times at the Preakness Stakes. Just May lived in Bancroft Hall and once got caught having sex on the roof. She has two tattoos, one of which is a tramp stamp with Chinese characters that she says mean, “hope, prosperity and double happiness,” but actually means, “enter here.” The other tattoo is a monkey on her hip with the words, “Pura Vida,” or “life is good.” Just May owns a dog named The Dread Pirate Roberts, which has to be the most awesome pet name ever. She likes to leave her underwear on the balcony, and when she lived on a ship, there were 2000 Marines on board beating off while thinking about her. Or her underwear. Just May once got her sister arrested for assault, and gave her coach a boner when he heard her faking an orgasm.
Names (that didn’t suck) were:
- VOUS (Vaginas of Unusual Size)
- Pussy on a Hot Tin Roof
- Hey, Hey, Here’s My Monkey!
- Red Roofie Inn
- Win, Place, or Throw
- Anchor Twat
- There She Blows… Again
- Have Fun Storming The Asshole!
Who can resist a Princess Bride reference? We sure can’t, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), Just May will be known as Have Fun Storming the Asshole!
About half of us made it to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, saw one of the most amusing table reservation signs ever (“Natural Distaster Wedding Party,” a bit redundant if you ask me) and tried to get laid. It was horribly crowded, so apparently, the other half went to a different bar, drank cheap beer, and played flip-cup, presumably while also trying to get laid. Now that takes some coordination!
Until next time, keep partying like c*ck stars,
Tits for Tots
Hares: Cum Dumpling, Low Press’her Front, Kandy Panties, Just Nikki and our very speshul mystery hare Poop Weiner
Brew Crew: Saskatchewsnatch and I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just Caitlin, Amanda, Max, Todd, Brad, Ron, Andy, Rebeca, Rob, Katie, Brian and Peter
Visitors: Poop Weiner (SHHH), Fire Pants Alec and Just Anna
Analversaries: Silly Gay Virus (17)
OnOnOn: The Ugly Mug
We gathered outside of the Eastern Market Metro station during what had been a beautiful day. The hares were sent off, the virgins were educated about trail marks and we circled up for our normal opening shenanigans. We had a replacement RA this evening: Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me. She apparently has zero pull with the hash gods because as soon as we started opening circle the skies opened up and there was a downpour so heavy would have given Noah cause for alarm.
The pack was off on a “trail” that was completely washed away. Literally there was not a single mark to be found. This fact didn’t stop Hair Cuntery from continuously yelling “On-On” and leading the entire pack on a “trail” of his own devising. Where was the sweeper hair? Who the fuck knows? Following Hair Cuntery into unknown does not exactly fill you with a sense of confidence, but apparently there was a method to the madness, after about three miles of r*cism the pack did find the beer check. (That method being running around the neighborhood going through every plausible beer check location.)
By the time we got to beer check the rain had abated and it was actually possible to lay trail. The hares were off and the pack followed after consuming some tasty beverages. Maybe three quarters of a mile into the second half of trail the hares popped out of hiding and tried to pelt the FRBs, and the pack, with flour. Unfortunately they neglected to actually send anyone ahead of this ambush point to lay the rest of trail… so now the pack was actually in front of the hares… I have no idea how they thought this would work out well. I ended up walking the rest of trail because there wasn’t any point in running it.
We got to the end, which was the same location as the beer check. Another excellent choice of strategy by the hares… We had circle and proceeded to get rained on in spite of the fact that the skies over head were basically clear of clouds… Cocky, sacrifice your virginity already!!! Clearly the hash gods are not happy with you protecting it.
Now on to the details:
- Slumcock Anywhere was “working” from home and had decided to pass the time by having a beer and watching some inter-net porn, unfortunately his favorite porn site was down and he decided to do actual work instead.
- The Hares did down-downs for not anticipating the weather and laying their accordingly… Low Pressure Front is a meteorologist for Christ sakes! (FYI- a ‘meteorologist’ is someone who predicts the weather.)
- Do Me Howser bought the cow, having just married Tupperware. It was noted that Tupperware has been barely seen at the hash since snaring a man.
- Fucks Up Dock? Was complaining that she had a drippy snatch. She assured me that we had nothing to worry about as she was taking something for it…
- Just Nikki covered herself in orange flour. She drank for trying to impersonate an “orange” girl with a bad fake tan.
- Just Tara asked if we hashed during the winter. Next she’ll be asking if we hash during national holidays and natural disasters.
- The notorious FRBs Sphincter Shy and Cock Your Suck I Will were trying find trail even though the were AHEAD of the hares.
- The hares did down downs for their excellent “stragery” in sending no one ahead to actually lay trail when they decided to ambush the pack.
- Obeastiologist was talking about “fartlicking” on trail. Whether he was being a r*cist or just gross doesn’t matter. He deserved his down down.
- Roll Over Bitch! was violated for abusing his position as Harerazer by using the hareline to pimp out his resume.
- Eat Your Vegetables was commended for managing to appear popular during at least one hash.
- Canned Pussy, #2, Just Nick and Fuxedo all managed to show up to beer check completely dry. Something wasn’t kosher there!
- Hair Cuntery was violated for creating his own 5K in place of the first half of trail.
- ChippenFails had a flower growing out of his ass… apparently sperm is a good fertilizer.
Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)
Just Nick who had been thrown back the week before was brought into the circle for second shot at getting a name that didn’t suck. During round two of the interrogation we learned the following about Just Nick:
- Graduated from the Naval Academy and is a Navy pilot
- His squadron is the Bulldogs and his call sign is Stewie
- Lost his virginity at 18 in the living room of his girlfriends house
- The meanest thing he ever did to someone was drop a bomb on the wrong house.
- The meanest thing he ever did to an American was punch a girl in the stomach
- His favorite barnyard animal is a goat
- His favorite TV shows are CNN and Man vs. Wild
Edgar Allan Ho who has the (mis)fortune of sleeping with Just Nick these days had a story about the night they first met. It was after a hash and EAH and Just Nick met at the ononon. They left for metro together and while on metro they made a little and Just Nick tried to get EAH to go down on him, which she didn’t do. Before they needed to switch trains he tried to get her to come home with him, which she also refused to do. Of course a little later that night he called her claiming to have missed his train, and she picked him up and brought him home that night anyway. (Apparently EAH is pretty gullible…)
Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:
- Police Blowtality
- Rail Rider
- No Means Anal
- Last Train to Poleland
- Slobber on My Cock You Bitch
- Ass Wide Shut
- Ho She Chin Trail
None of these names quite had the cache of Whore Crimes however. Goodbye Just Nick, hello Whore Crimes.
Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!
The crowds lust for namings not sated with Just Nick (err Whore Crimes) Just Judy was dragged into the circle. Just Judy went to American University whose mascot is the Bald Eagle. Her hobbies include hashing, hashing and hashing. (NO idea what Just Judy did with her time before discovering hashing.) She works as a restaurant hostess. (Philosophy major in college?) She grew up in Puerto Rico and went to an all girls catholic high school.
She lost her virginity in college and swallows after a blow job. She was a good catholic girl in high school so when she dated guys she would blow them instead of giving them sex. The strangest place she’s ever had sex was in a lifeguard house in Miami Beach. Her favorite sexual position in missionary. When asked about how many girls she has kissed Just Judy had a story about making out with a stripper in front of an ex-boyfriend. When asked about the first time she had anal sex, her response was: “It was a surprise.”
We learned a lot more about Just Judy but unfortunately my scribe notes get pretty esoteric at times. I sure wish I could remember what story the note ‘Long dark phallus – Flavor in my mouth’ referred too. I’m also pretty sure there was some sort of catholic school girl lesbian story… Oh well, not everything can be recorded for posterity.
Anyway, the following names were nominated for Just Judy:
- Double Stacked
- Dyke Watch
- Three Men and a Maybe
- What abouy Knob
- Coochie Grissel
- Shindlers Lisp
- Everything Butt
- Surprise Attack
- All Head No Bed
In the end due to her catholic upbringing and her subsequent attempts to make up for lost time Just Judy was named John 3:69.
Then we went to ononon, drank our faces off and tried to get laid. Was everybody happy? You bet your ass we were!
Until next time…
Rear Protein Injection
Hares: Cute Lesbian In Training, Tar Squeal, Red Vag of Courage, Sphincter Shy, Gaystation, Pittsburgh Kneeler, Fluffer No Butther
Brew Crew: Fucks Up Doc?, Buttfuck Norris
Virgins: Justs Kristen, William, Andrew, Philip, Scott , Tamara, Christa, Allison, Natalie, Marie, Emily, Luis, Ashton, Erica, David, David, Jenny, Anicero, Carla, Laura, Rebecca, Mike, Elizabeth, Winnie, Dan, Trish, Ben
Visitors: Party Mouth (Guantanamo Bay), Swinger (Atlanta), Explodes on Impact (Memphis)
Ononon: Larry’s Lounge
The pack of black-clad dominatrixes and submissives met up in Dupont Circle for the S&M hash, a couple hours before another pack of black-clad Iran election protesters were slated to meet up in the same place, confusing tourons and passers-by alike. We ran through the neighborhood to a shot check, and by shots, I mean Dixie Cups of boxed wine. Classy! Thus refreshed, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park, whips cracking along the way. We forded Rock Creek at a particularly deep point; a few of the shortest harriers and harriettes may have had to swim, and then up the steepest, slipperiest hill in DC. Damn, those hares really are sadistic. We dried off by running through Georgetown and into the gayest beer check ever, right at P Street Beach.
We interrupt this hash trash for a quick PSA (as in Public Service Announcement, not Please Step Away from the Whores): Corsets chafe when you run several miles in them. Use lube, er, I mean, Body Glide, generously. The runners traced a circuitous route through Dupont Circle into Adams Morgan, while the walkers made a detour for Rita’s Frozen Ice, but we all eventually ended up at the On-In by Marie Reed. There were kickballers playing nearby, so we could blame all the noise and general obnoxiousness on them. After all, they’re the ones looking like idiots in their matching t-shirts.
- Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me broke Cock Your Suck I Will’s nose a couple weeks ago, so Cock Your Suck I Will got revenge by locking Cocky up in her S&M dungeon and having her way with her.
- An Inconvenient Poop tossed out half of her beer at beer check. That’s alcohol abuse!
- Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock took the money his roommates gave him for the cable bill and used it to buy a plane ticket—and not even to go hike the Appalachian Trail, I mean, get some Argentinian tail.
- Ring Toss Salad sold some of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock’s video games to pay the cable bill, but didn’t make enough of a profit margin to buy any porn.
- Silly Gay Virus got kicked out of a strip club for requesting a Backstreet Boys song. If he wanted it that way, he should’ve gone out in the gayborhood instead.
- Cock Your Suck I Will pushed another hasher to the ground to get to the front of the pack, without setting up a safety word first.
- Manipple Lickter tried to play crossing guard but directed the pack into oncoming traffic, also without setting up a safety word first.
- Just Ben and Shetland Blow Me had sex in a port-a-potty on trail. I thought that was Pork-A-Potty’s job.
- Just Rory confused Tits for Tots with I Suck Dead People, which led the pack to confuse Just Rory with Helen Keller.
- Just Winnie brought a camelback of vodka and cranberry juice to her virgin hash—that’s not just acceptable but commendable hash behavior.
- Fluffer No Butther tried to order a Long Island iced tea at Rita’s. For the record, Rita’s is an Italian ice joint that does not have a liquor license.
- Big Bend Over was looking for the first aid kit because his nipples were chafed, and he wasn’t even wearing a corset.
- Cum and Knock on my Back Door is going to be teaching special education at a middle school in Southeast. As if the parents in that part of town didn’t have enough to worry about, now they’ll really need to lock up their sons.
- The hares had a scouting fail; they put the beer check right by a public pool that was open. It’s almost like they wanted someone to end up in handcuffs.
- Explodes on Impact was whining on trail even when no one was whipping him.
- Big Bend Over thought this was the Outdoorsman’s Weekly hash rather than the S&M hash; he brought a fishing pole instead of a riding crop.
- KP promised a long time ago to drill a hole in Cocktuplets, but he hasn’t yet. Don’t keep a girl waiting!
- Ring Toss Salad was responsible for the big wet spot on the periphery of end circle.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Fluffher No Butther went off the trail he was haring to pay a visit to his girlfriend, Rita. He’s pussywhipped, and she’s frigid.
- Cum Dumpling ran smack into a building on trail, because he needed to hurt just a little more.
- Put It Out killed Michael Jackson so that he could be the oldest pedophile around. I’ve got you in my sights, PIO. You’d better sleep with one eye open.
- Gaystation lost his wingman when Michael Jackson died. He should blame PIO.
- Cradle to the Dreidel couldn’t decide which way she swings, so she jumped into a bush full of pricks to get the best of both worlds.
- Party Mouth came all the way up from Guantanamo Bay and didn’t even waterboard anyone on trail.
- Shamrock Your Cock: George W. Bush is no longer president, so it’s ok to pronounce “nuclear” properly again. It’s not “nucular.”
- Cum Dumpling and Saskatchewsnatch forgot to tell Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow to bring his fist-shaped dildo.
- Cock Your Suck I Will had to get plastic surgery to get rid of the damage from Cocky’s love bite.
Then we had a NAMING!…. sort of.
Just Nick attended the Naval Academy and is now a pilot with the Marines, so in other words, he gets paid to play with a stick that is attached to a weapon. He flies harriers but claims to prefer to ride harriettes, despite having a Tom Cruise poster in his bedroom. Just Nick studied history and likes goats and prefers to shag them doggy style. He claims to have passed out in a model. Model what? I don’t know. Just Nick’s favorite hobby is skydiving, but he’s never jumped tandem because he doesn’t like to have a guy behind him. Even if it were Tom Cruise? Finally, some kids once saw him giving a blow job in a parking lot. Oh, wait, was that supposed to be getting a blow job? My bad. I bet Tom Cruise was somehow involved.
Despite this wealth of information, the pack didn’t come up with much of anything good, so we threw Just Nick back. Remember it for next time.
We proceeded to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, and hit on gay guys.
Spankings and whippings,
Tits for Tots