When: Thursday, August 22, 2019

Where:  Cleveland Park Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  honestly, only Gunna Probably Spew as far as I could tell

Virgins:  Just Ashraf, Just Ken, Just Tanner, Just Tim, Just Sonia, Just Perry, Just Spencer

Visitor:  Cums For Jesus from Happy Heretics H3

On-After:  Duccini’s for me, Shenanigans Irish Pub for everyone else

Violations

  • On this clusterfuck of a trail, even the walkers got shiggy!  Birthday bitch / alpha hare Gunna Probably Spew was violated because this trail had *Stefan from SNL voice* EVERYTHING.  We had logs. We had water. We had thorns. Did he think that just because it was his birthday people were going to be ok with taking tiny pricks to the face without fair warning?
  • Charlie Why, the man who ran trail IN JEANS, took off his shoes to cross the river, and lost one of his socks in said river, was violated for criticizing Deetz Nuts’ grass skirt as “impractical to run in.”
  • Going Bananas apparently has a full social calendar and a science degree since she was heard on trail saying that this was the second day in a row she got wet because of… water.
  • General Tso’s Dicken was commended for founding her own new kennel: Carryout H3.  She was walking around with an entire roast chicken in a plastic container and may I just say…damn girl that’s some nice breasts and thighs.
  • GPS was violated again, after Chippenfailz pointed out that his name clearly has no bearing on his ability to read a map. 
  • And finally, after running trail in Close Encounters of the Turd Kind’s fart cloud, I’d say this was less of an oasis and more Tropic Thunder.

On – somebody needs either a physics lesson or an anatomy lesson if “runners’ feet may get wet” means water up to my taint – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, July 18, 2019

Where:  Waterfront Metro (Green Line)

Hares:  You Can’t Handle the Poop, Roll Over, Bitch!, Kunta Kunte, NSA (but N[A]SA for today), Vladmir Fruitin, Uno, Dos, Tres, Liftoff!, and Quantum Whizics

“Virgins”: Just Eric, Just Gautham, and Just Geoff

Actual Virgin: Just Bodhi

Visitor:  not a single alien sighting on trail

On-After:  Hamilton’s

Violations

  • It is universally known that Quantum Whizics has the smallest bladder known to mankind.  And yet somehow, NSA was the one who wore a space diaper on trail.
  • Cum Dumpling was almost commended for conscientiously reusing water just like you would on the space station.  Unfortunately, he was using the water from the can bins to wash his armpits and returning it straight to the bin for others’ consumption.
  • Just Bodhi found himself desperate to wash the taste of the Perrier that Just Jessie gave him out of his mouth.  Unfortunately, his preferred flavor palate was located up Tragic Carpet Ride’s kilt.
  • All three of our human virgins were violated for lying about their virginity.  Just cause Just Geoff’s mom used to drive me to high school doesn’t mean I’m going to go easy on him in circle.
  • A shoutout to Metrorail Mary for fending off a harasser and taking a police escort to trail
  • And finally, a violation to Roll Over, Bitch! for complaining to the rest of the hares and the pack that his trail was excellently planned, beyond reproach, and perfectly laid.  To which I say, sir, I know your significant other, and you ain’t had a perfect lay in years.

After Pinnochi-Schro was done snorting beer out of his nose, we had a very solemn occasion… A NAMING!!!!

Just Ben is a former rocket surgeon now working in space policy for the White House.  Twaterboarding made him cum not too long ago, but they originally met in church 11 years ago.  Just Ben has an incredible talent for building rockets that are “too good” and rates his blow jobs on a scale from F to A++.  Just Ben also has an eidetic memory for every dump he’s ever taken, as well as a running mental tally of the total value of all the plumbing damage his epic shits have caused.  His tastiest puke was caused by memories of 2 Girls, 1 Cup and an aggressive Honey Grahams breakfast.  But despite his adventures with double sided dildos and the Festivus Pole, we just couldn’t let that poop stuff slide.  Suggestions included The Poon Landing and Beam Me Up Potty, but after so many visits from a tortured plumber, Just Ben shall henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing be known as Close Encounters of the Turd Kind.

On – JFC searching “space poop” on GIPHY in public was a mistake – on,

Space Gretzky

When: Thursday, July 11, 2019

Where:  Woodley Park / Zoo Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Son, What the Fuck?!, Deetz Nuts, Cheech & Dong, Colliteral Damage, and Poon-apple Juice

Virgins:  Just Mike and Just Brian

Visitor:  Cherry Why from Lagos; Muffle Puff from Aloha

On-After:  Town Tavern

Violations

  • First of all, a shame bell to me for forgetting to violate Poon-apple Juice for going to a lakehouse populated by ~*multiple*~ Chads and being surprised that she came home with pink eye.
  • Also a double violation on for me ruining my search history looking for zodiac puns and Ted Cruz Zodiac Killer jokes to steal for circle.
  • Just Mike is violated for 1) not remembering who made him cum and 2) when I finally figured it out it turned out to be that weird guy I remember best as the “alcoholic doctor.” He confirmed this sobriquet as accurate.
  • Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me and The Cumburglar are also violated for taking over a year to make Just Brian cum.  I just learned waaayyyyy more about their sex lives than I ever needed to know.
  • Special Red is violated for mistaking the ceiling candle stick decorations for tampons.  As a person named after a menstrual blood incident in which I really needed a tampon it’s honestly very offensive to tell me there are tampons available when that’s not the case.
  • And finally, a violation to the pack for giving me so few usable violations that I could wring funnier material out of my wet sock.

On – diaper foot week 3 – on,

Rain Gretzky