WHEN: April 2, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: YOU!

VIRGINS: None

VISITORS: None

Buckle up, butternuts, it’s time for your (virtual) scribe report! It’s our first hash having a (virtual) circle during the COVID-19 outbreak/global pandemic and economic crisis/excuse to masturbate during work hours without consequence! April showers bring May flowers, and as a result we all get a little wet. Expect it was perfectly nice out, so being on theme was pointless. Check out the Google Photos Album to see how crazy we all got while social distancing before circling up via Zoom.

Lots of people did dumb stuff on trail and throughout the week of quarantine, and they got called out for it. It’s time for some good old fashioned VIOLATIONS!

  • Special Head Kid is being violated for checking in from A Monument to Jesus. Pleeeeeease… No amount of holy water showers will wash away your sins.
  • Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer is being violated for checking in from the shower. We all know that even when your body is clean, your mind is dirty. In a similar vein…
  • Deep Anal Horizon is also being violated for checking in from the shower, as well as committing a serious fashion faux pas. Don’t you know you’re not supposed to wear a poncho AND carry an umbrella after St. Patrick’s Day? Besides, that’s not what we mean when we say “wear protection.”
  • Poon Apple Juice is being violated for hosting a hard seltzer-tasting March Madness-style tournament at her apartment instead of social distancing. Truly this is how Corona Hard Seltzer will infect us all…
  • Quantum Whizzics… We appreciate your precautions, but just because we’re in the middle of a global pandemic doesn’t mean we aren’t going to violate you for auto-hashing!
  • Close Encounters of the Turd Kind is being violated for being naked when the plumber arrived to unclog his bathroom sink. That’s NOT what he meant by snaking a drain!
  • Schrodinger’s Cock got violated for his man bun. We don’t care how long it’s been since you’ve had a haircut, you can’t fall to the Dark Side!

GROUP VIOLATIONS!

  • Everyone who hasn’t taken a shower in the past 24 hours!
  • Everyone who didn’t wear their hash necklace!
  • Everyone who has had liquor delivered to their house!
  • Everyone who lives with their significant other, because, and I quote: “y’all suck!”

It wasn’t all bad though, there were a few cummendations going around:

  • Collitoral Damage was cummended for giving everyone at the pre-lube Zoom a wonderful view of her ass
  • The GMs were cummended for being great captains of the Ark of EWH3 and making it seem like there’s only a little April shower, when in reality the entire world is being metaphorically flooded!

On-“How Does Zoom Work?”-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

When: February 27, 2020
Where: Francis Scott Key Park, Georgetown (Rosslyn Metro)
Hares: Throbbin’ Hood, Mourning Wood, Jigglytits, Poon Tang Clan
Virgins: Several, all decisively half-minded

So there we were, holy hellfire shit, all set to celebrate RuPaul’s return on NOT a hashing night and the no-doubt-imminent return of the Drag Race stans to our hashy fold… but DC’s winter decided to give us our toughest challenge yet (at least in 2020), and as a result we learned who the most dedicated queens were as we met/huddled/penguined at Francis Scott Key Memorial Park near Georgetown.

The anthem was an OG drag anthem. It’s in the cannon.

Deep Anal Horizon joined hares Mourning Wood and Throbbin’ Hood in bravely donning his finest, flowiest attire for the trail, while the rest of pack’s no-doubt-excellent drag attempts were buried under layers of warm clothing… right guys?

Mmhmm.

After a short and rousing starting circle in which the hare representative told us several lies and at least one truth and Joe’s tongue got stuck to a metal pole, pack dodged e x p e n s i v e traffic and headed north. On the zig-zaggy way to beer check, pack encountered Cum Dumpling‘s Sink Hole, performed a scenic tour of Georgetown’s finest dead-end alleys, were foiled by a Back Check in the middle of a wildly bougie housing area, and were elaborately and roundaboutly foiled by a check that was hiding inside a s p o o k y park. (Nobody wants to break a heel, I get it.)

Opt out.

Beer check was longer than pack liked and much shorter than sweep hare would have liked, but after pouring several down our throats in honor of DC’s Female Union Band Society, pack quickly bounded away and headed back down the hill. After a much more straightforward, less check-y, and less getting lost-y second trail half, we circled up under Francis Scott Key’s memorial bridge (so fancy) and had a chilly, melodic conversation about what we thought of the hares.

Praise the Lawd it’s over.

Highlights from circle included:

  • Commemorating Tuck Tuck Deuce‘s 369th run with Everyday is Wednesday as we dined like queens on cold fries ‘n’ apple pies
  • A moment of silence in memory of Slumcock Anywhere, a former EW hasher who recently heard G’s whistle and followed trail on-up
  • Special Head Kid and Heaven’s Gape were commended for their ability to always be on the wrong side of the fence
  • While on trail, your humble scribe sighted a beautiful convertible on trail with the license plate “OH LA LA.” When polling the crowd about which hasher seemed most likely to operate such an ostentatious vehicle, the answer was unanimously 9021Ho.

Thus feted, we quickly scooted our cold yet elegant butts over to Church, where we all took off our stilettos to battle our way to the bar through a veritable sea of suits, the likes of which the world has not seen (since the last RNC convention probably).

Move ur suited asses away from my alcohol source, ladies.

On-dibs on next drag trail during higher temps-on,

Jigglytits~

When: Thursday, February 13th, 2020

Where: Pentagon City Metro (Blue/Yellow Line)

Hares: Tik Tok It’s Dick o’Clock, #SquadHoles, Close Encounters of the Turk Kind, and Ready Player None

Virgins: Just David, Just Ronnie, Just Sammy, and Just Josh

Visitors and Long Time No See-ums: Lickthiologist, Princess Jizzman, Moremen, Mooseknuckles, Around the World in 80 Lays, Tuneless, Bulletproof Boobs, and two others who said their names too fast both times, Drunken someone and Turkey something.

On After: Freddie’s

On February 14th, 270 A.D., a Roman priest was executed. This led to the cultural appropriation of a pagan fertility festival that we now associate with Hallmark and Trojan. Thank you St. Valentine!

This week’s trail was great for lovers, singles, and basically anyone who likes getting deeeeeep inside some holes. The trail winded through the maze-like Crystal City underground and other Tunnels of Love in the area.

However, no trail is complete without hashers doing dumb things. Here’s a recap of those shenanigans:

Individual Violations:

  • Quid Pro Blow and Just Kirsten were wearing red on top but green on bottom. This means their hearts are taken, but their asses are community property!
  • Cocktease Falcon for not once, not twice, but THREE times pulling a Just Kirsten and walking in front of a moving vehicle at start.
  • NSA was overheard complaining about shiggy when we ran through an area with some mud and small puddles. Just because this is the stoplight trail doesn’t mean we can’t go off-roading. He needs to shave his head if he wants to be Mr. Clean.
  • Mooseknuckles and MoreMen are visiting us from Beijing. China thinks they weaponized a virus to send to the US with these two. In reality, they just returned with the same STDs we gave them before they left!
  • Tuneless and Bulletproof Boobs are visiting us from Lagos, Nigeria. These Nigerian scammers have come on Valentines Day, not to steal our money, but to steal our hearts. Jokes on you though, my heart’s been dead for years.
  • The Walkers almost lost Rail Mary and Cheech and Dong in Lush when they went into the mall. Look, it’s a soap store, not a self-description!
  • Around the World in 80 Lays and MoreMen, who haven’t been here in so long, they were told on after was at the usual place but couldn’t find the hole to get to the wet place.
  • Atari 6900 encouraged Stain Gretzky to not go down further…
  • COMMENDATION: Stain Gretzky for being better at going down the second time…

Group Violations:

  • All the runners who took the elevator. Tuck is the only one who gets away with.
  • All people who walked through the shot check.
  • Just Josh and all the men wearing blue: Even though this was a stoplight trail, thank you letting us know about your relationship status: blue balls!
  • COMMENDATION: The Hares, for designing this trail just like Valentine’s Days throughout our lives! Starting with the first Valentine’s Day date in Middle school where mom has to drop you off at the mall; that awkward one where he has to plow down the mud path; to the inevitable breakdown and breakup at Costco; finally ending up miserable and alone shooting heroin by the train tracks!

On-#DicksOutForVD-On