When: 11/21/19

Where: Rosslyn

Hares: #Squadholes, Tik Tok it’s Dik O’Clock, Heaven’s Gape, Quid Pro Blow

Virgins: Just Emily, Just Laura, Just Ryan, Just Ray, Just Marline, Just Cooper (woof), Just Ike (woof)

Visitors: One Trick Dick (Syracuse, NY), Rock Sucker (Kigali, Rwanda), Goat Throat (Boston, MA)

Long-Time No-Sees: Poople’s Mountain Majesty, Keebler Shelf

On-After: Continental

What up, my glip glops! Close Encounters of the Rick Kind here, we had a great time getting schwifty at the Council of Ricks Hash!

However, some of you were acting like total Jerrys out there, especially when it came to navigating space and time, so here are some violations in the form of Jerry Awards:  


– Tony Panda was almost late for trail and was overheard saying “Rick and Morty can travel through time, we can’t!” Real Ricks can travel through time and space, why didn’t you use your portal gun?

– Mourning Wood punched in last week’s coordinates for Brew Crew. We almost didn’t get velocitinis at Beer Check. Did Evil Rick hack your portal gun, or have you been hanging out with Doofus Rick too much?

– Heaven’s Gape needed three Mortys to help him navigate the walkers trail.

– One of you Jerrys got confused and asked a homeless person for a shot, thinking it was a shot check.

– Jiggly Tits was called out for needing help traversing a spherical art installation. At least we know that when it comes to their commitment to hash shenanigans, they really goes BALLS DEEP!

– One of you crazy Summers was seen pole dancing on a pirate ship in the park. If she keeps up that booty shaking, that won’t be the ONLY stiff mast around here HIYOOOO!

– Group violation: everyone who didn’t properly follow trail and go down the slide in the park. Real Ricks don’t skip out on adventure!

And finally, Geriatric Mandering, for literally having a name with Jerry in it – my daughter is too good for you Jerry, you’re worthless! I’M the master of this household!* 

*Seasons 1-3 only

Alright, that’s all for this week I’m gonna go take a shit.


When: Thursday, October 31, 2019

Where:  NoMA Gallaudet Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Colliteral Damage, Vladimir’s Fruitin’, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystac

Virgins & Visitors: literally none, more Twinkle Juice for me!!!

On-After:  Last Call (which is delightfully divey)


  • Our intrepid alpha hare Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was egged by teenagers upon arriving to beer check.  There was some disagreement about the beer check location but I think it was an eggscellent choice.  I heard some of the eggs didn’t break upon impact which sounds eggscruciating. Frankly the nerve of those mean kids was just eggstraordinary!
  • Meanwhile, Deetz Nuts was getting the ladies on their knees… to suck out of his titties!  Seriously considering changing his name to Deetz Teetz or Teetz Nutz.  I think the left one was tastier, in my humble scribe opinion.
  • Twinkle remarked that he was covered in beer and feeling a little yeasty.  Is that why the TJ on the table at end circle was so chunky?? *gags* 
  • The hares ran the whole pack through my back alley and didn’t come around front to say hi to my pussy. Rude.
  • This Dirty Banana showed up to trail in an apeeling costume (a WIE 2019 vintage) only to find that Twinkle wore the same outfit as me!  Honestly this whole trail is CANCELLED and everyone should go home and let me drink the rest of the TJ myself.

No naming as the skies were literally about to burst open upon us and we all scuttled off to Last Call like that rat Pinocchi-ho kicked last time we were in NoMA.

On – no one needs to know that my Friday “mental health day” was for my TJ hangover – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, October 17, 2019

Where:  Tenleytown Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Colliteral Damage, GeriatricMandering, Deathly Swallows, Rail Mary, All Flash No Drive, Rosetta Bone, Tacos On A Bridge

Virgins:  Just Elsa & Just Stephanie

Visitor:  Dr. Mouthful of Clam (he doesn’t go here anymore!) & Lieutenant Dan The Swing Bang Man (Okinawa!)

On-After:  Tenley Bar and Grill


  • Just Arthur was persecuted for being a vessel thief!  As my esteemed co-scribe threatened him – if you mess with the squad, you get the holes.
  • Speaking of #SquadHoles, that mofo was wearing a raceist Baltimore Running Festival shirt.
  • Just Jessie collided with a police officer on a bicycle.  I mean I know we all wanna bang strippers but ok maybe that’s taking it a little far.
  • The Cumburglar said that he doesn’t like jell-O shots because it feels like 3 blow jobs in his mouth.  I am concerned that he both 1) failed sex ed as a child and 2) is going to get arthiritis in his jaw like Kobayshi, the hot dog eating champion.
  • Tragic Carpet Ride tried to pay his hash cash with a roll of quarters.  I was just relieved that for once he was trying to give someone a roll of actual currency and not his penis.
  • Rail Mary tried to get all of the walkers lost by navigating them away from the shot check.  Cause honestly the only thing scarier than running this trail is having to run it again…

At some point later, which may or may not have been the same day, or may or may not have been at MM Recruitment HH at Town Tavern we had a very solemn occasion… a naming!!!  Recounted here below by #SquadHoles:

While many rejoiced at the idea of helping out the hash for another year… a plot was afoot to rename an unbaptized Just Jessie! After many of your fellow hashers were done drinking their fill and signing up to help out our kennel in various ways, the opportunity for a solemn occasion arose and we got to learn more about Just Jessie, dogmom to my favorite beer bitch, Just Bodhi. While the idea of her falling asleep on every surface of the bar, various hash events and an alleged college exam floor mid test played into many of the name suggestions like Sleepy Swallows and Goodnight Poon. Her tales of being a road promoter for various bands ultimately led to a story about Ke$ha being, “voluntold” to remove the bottle jack from her tummy and proceed onstage. Just Jessie accomplished her task and after 7 minutes in Ke$ha the show went on. But like all good things it was time to name this betch! Like the famous Ke$ha song and one of Stain Gretzky’s favorite sayings… her name had to be Tik Tok it’s Dik O’Clock.


Stain Gretzky