When: Thursday, March 15, 2019

Where:  Francis Scott Key Park, Rosslyn Metro (Orange / Blue / Silver Line)

Hares:  PIO, Brokeback Mama, COXXX On Demand, Seizure’s Phallus, and Sally The Jizz Hound

Virgins:  none, they all froze

Visitors:  Three Amigos from OTH (which is Pudjam, u guys)

  • Radioactive Cum Swallower
  • Genghis Anus
  • Abuela Mastabata

On-After:  Mr. Smith’s (ew)

It was cold as fuck that night and I think the hash’s humor well pretty much froze over, so not much to offer here…

Violations

  • Just Dexter The Dog had to be carried up the second half of the Exorcist stairs.  What a bitch.
  • The hares broke Lent tradition and instead of laying a fishy trail it was a full-on sausage fest.
  • #SquadHoles thought that this trail through a college campus was really awesome but it left his knees really sad.  I hear ya buddy, my knees hadn’t felt that bad since the last time I was on a college campus.
  • And I would be remiss if I did not draw attention to the fact that Throbbin’ Hood thought Abuela Mastabata was Maybe It’s Gaybelline.

Enough of that shit, we had a very solemn occasion on this frigid night…… A NAMING!!!!

Meet Just Alex, he works for the government and has three degrees, which explains why he is a triple bottom engineer.  He’s from West Philly and ended up on the stage because he sucks at sports.  He’s masturbated to completion while driving a car and shit himself at work after a long bike commute.  He got a boner in math class and the worst thing he’s ever put up his butt was a butt plug 3 sizes too big.  After it was clearly established that we were going with a butt name, suggestions like Eyes Bigger Than My Anus and Department of the Posterior were floated (and my personal favorite, Scrooge McButt), but given his love of engineering and straight up rearing, henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing, Just Alex shall be known as Deep Anal Hoerizon.

On – boots n shats n boots n shats – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Valentine’s Day, Thursday, February 14, 2019

Where:  Georgia Ave / Petworth Metro (Green / Yellow Line)

Hares:  Melabonin, Basement Boy Toy, Red Dong, Zombie, Just Kevin and Just Ez, Just Surak, and maybe a mystery hare! 

Virgins:  Justs Mia, Chelsea, Valdilia, Aaron

Visitor:  B.D.S.Amateur from Beijing H3

On-After:  Don Juan’s Restaurant

Y’all, I thought this was going to be a Valentine’s Day Trail but it was more like a February 15th aka Discount Chocolate Day Trail that was technically still in theme but was also too little too late, totally in shambles, and definitely resulted in me eating cheese in the dark on the floor in my kitchen.  Shout out to SchroCo for sharing his 200th Run Fireball.

Violations, and literally every single one is about how shitty trail was:

  • Melabonin, birthday girl and alpha hare extraordinare, generously allowed the entire pack to use Basement Boy Toys’ rear entrance halfway through trail.
  • I felt personally victimized by the lack of Valentine’s gifts left for me in the woods while I was alone going full Blair Witch Project with virgin Just Mia.  I didn’t need jewelry, lingerie, chocolates or any of that from the hares, all this girl needed was some flours.
  • Tonight’s trail definitely felt like a surprise orgy hosted by the hares.  We were all in the dark together and I didn’t really know where I was going or what was happening but I was definitely getting fucked.
  • Tonight’s trail felt less like a Valentine’s Day Trail and more like a David’s Bridal Super Black Friday Sale.  Every bitch for themselves and so help me god if you get in my way.
  • Tonight’s trail felt like one of those variety sampler boxes of candy where you just bite into them with blind trust and you’re just like please god please god no nuts.
  • And most important, hashy birthday, fuck you, to Melabonin!

Also, no naming, we were already inside the bar, and OMG DID YOU SIGN UP FOR WIE YET????

On – cheese is my Valentine – on,

Stain Gretzky

EWH3 #1108 The Groundhog (Birth)day trail

When: 1/31

Where:  Dupont Circle, Red

Hares:  Mourning wood, quid pro blow, heaven’s gape, colliteral damage, Throbbin hood

Virgins:  Just Nobody, or I didn’t hear them

Visitors:  Cum in my brum

On-After:  Froggy Bottom, which was 20% better than everywhere else, they told us so right on the tab

It was a night of extra layers and fast circles. Which also means short trash. It’s definitely not because I’m bad at these… Nope. Not at all. We moved quickly from Dupont to Georgetown because we were all as frozen

Violations

Cum in my brum for taking 2 torches to the face and we all know that’s slang for blowing a fire crotch

Just Emily because she got taken by her feels for Pterodactyl porn

Chaffed and confused for his obsession with Obama drone dildo strikes

Tuck tuck deuce for back seat driving walkers trail… he needs to take someones back seat in his back seat

Cumburglur for thinking end circle should have summer foliage year round… we don’t live in California Bro-dy

And finally we should all be commended for getting in and out of that circle before our toes fell off!

On – BRRRRRR – on,

#SquadHoles