When: Thursday, June 3, 2021
Where: Potomac Ave Metro
Visitors: Sadly none…for now!
Virgins: Just Marley!
Hares: Lorena Hobbit, Special Red and Roll Over, Bitch!
This trail was supposed to be about keeping the beer near and PBRs (Personal Best Records) so here we go with some PBRs set by the pack that night:
Most Thunder heard on/before trail (We like to live dangerously.)
Most soggy hashers on a June trail (probably a lie, but prove it)
Largest underground Go-Go Party to ever be crashed (H/t, Hares!)
Most pierced nipples on trail (or were those just tiny, C shaped lightning rods?)
Most washed away check marks on trail… (stupid June showers…)
Most Long Time no see-ers?! You bet! Much like Brood X, we had dozens of hashers crawl out of the mud and wood work this week. Thanks in part to the siren call of newly reopened Trusty’s. (and an 88% vaccinated pack.) They prelubed, post lubed and were merry! Nature is healing…
Now onto specific violations and general tom foolery.
Gingersnatch and Special Red were violated for jocking each other’s style… Though those ewh3 tanks did look good on them, you know what they say- The gingers that listen to NPR together, stay together.
Chale Why was violated for attempting to compete with the sky and also shower us on trail. Look, that’s not what the harriettes meant by getting wet on trail today! Red Roper was violated for making a couple of hashers almost pass out at beer check when he took his shirt off…Did I spy the RA grow nervous for the lightning risk it posed? (See above)
Just Nele was violated for doing her best neutron impression by running up to Ready Player None asking again, “How much is hash cash?” He replied, “For you? No Charge!”
And finally, PSA stepped in (rather than away, heh) as the day’s hash curmudgeon when he was overheard going on and on about how he would hash more but the trails have just gotten too damn long. Hey buddy, never look at your beer as half empty, look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer!
On-Be funnier next time-On,
When: Thursday, May 27th, 2020
Where: Van Ness/UDC (Red Line)
Hares: Chale Why?, 9021-Ho, GPS, and Mouthful of Clam
Long-Time No See Ums: None
On-After: None, because COVID
Buckle up, butternuts, because this trail got dicey. Between the hills, the bushwacking, the rivers, and the cicadas, this trail was a DOOZY! Luckily, only two people got lost before end circle – not bad for a trail that GPS was involved in creating!
Oh man, it is SO good to be running a trail without a mask on! This was my first time running without a mask in over a year. It’s been so long that I forgot what it was like running without sweating so much it feels like I’m water boarding myself! My face was so dry that it was the first run in a year where I was not constantly thinking about cunnilingus.
- Speaking of pussy, the Walkers saw a cat walking around in a harness on trail. They were ALL violated for being less kinky than a cat.
- Walkers weren’t the only one getting lucky with animals on trail. Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer and Tacos on a Bridge were cummended for getting bitches’ numbers on trails!
- Speaking of tacos, Rail Mary was overheard on trail saying that she had never eaten a taco before – figuratively OR literally. First off, fuck you, I don’t believe you. Secondly, you should talk to Blow Me Closer BECAUSE…
- Tacos fell down on trail and Blow Me Closer yelled out “five second rule!” We ALL know Blow Me Closer knows the rules when it comes to eating tacos!
Pause: I just can’t get over how good this trail felt, despite how rough this trail was. I haven’t enjoyed raw dogging air this much since I was eight years old and I lost my virginity to an inflatable raft in the pool!
- Speaking of getting wet, Bow Chika Wow Wow was violated for falling into the water and breaking his mug. I haven’t seen a vessel go down that hard since the Lucitania. Fuck yeah, I make WWI jokes,
- We HAD to violate Tuck Tuck Deuce’s evil twin. We are absolutely sure this wasn’t Tuck, it was the evil twin, because (1) he had an evil mustache, and (2), he was overheard on trail saying “I don’t know what Tuck was thinking, I mean I hate it so much I’m talking in the third person” That’s right Evil Tuck, what an ass!
- Speaking of ass, Burlington Ho Factory was violated for smacking as many asses as she can get consent for. Ho Factory, if consent was F.R.I.E.S., I’d be the state of Idaho, because you can smack my ass ANY time you want!
Holy shitballs, I was SO psyched for this trail. Just like the cicadas, I came to do two things: scream and fuck!
- Infidellatio was violated for her downhill running technique. She daintily skipped the entire way down a large hill. I guess she learned her techniques for “going down” when she was in kindergarten!
- Speaking of elementary school shit, Maybe It’s Gaybelline was violated for being a walking Lisa Frank trapper keeper! Gaybelline’s moose knuckle was more pronounced than the Oxford English Dictionary.
- Finally, we violated THE HARES! Last week, the hares put Heartbreak Hill right before the beer check. This week, they put heartbreak hill smack dab in the middle of first half. GPS was rightfully commended for being the kinkiest sadist of the pack!
On-But My Legs Still Got Pretty Thrashed-On
Close Encounters of the Turd Kind
When: Thursday, April 29, 2021
Where: Rhode Island Ave
Virgins: Just Mark, Just Nick, Just Allie
Hares: Special Head Kid, Seizure’s Phallus
Today’s trash is brought to you by the letters F, U, and the number 69.
On a warm April evening, we gathered. The sea of fur, monster-themed chokers, and pasty thighs was overwhelming, to say the least. Our executive producer presented our Virgins: Just Mark, Just Nick, and Just Allie and our Hares: Special Head Kid and Seizure’s Phallus. We were reminded of the location of a few body parts (namely our tongues) and sent off in search of “dad’s special soda.”
Immediately upon departure, half of the pack proved that they could NOT, in fact, tell me how to get to Sesame Street, veering off course for no reason and refusing all attempts by the sweeper at course correction.
We finally found ourselves stationed, appropriately, outside of an elementary school. We were treated to a rousing rendition of the Sesame Street theme song, attempted by Close Encounters of the Turd Kind, before we were finally introduced to our colorful cast of characters…
Stain Gretzky tried to sneak her race-ist attire past us.
Roll Over Bitch snuck off for sex on trail, making him our resident Nookie Monster.
The Cumburglar was overheard on trail complaining that Special Head Kid wasn’t commanding enough from behind.
Some hashers complained that GPS solved a Just check on his own, failing torecognize the presence of Just Snuffleupagus.
Seriously 5-10 channeled his inner Oscar by snatching up General Tso’s Dicken’s trash for his own treasure.
Special Head Kid’s naughty bits had an encounter with some P.I. Hopefully, all that swelling left him with a Big Bird.
and 23 In Me, who did not drink another hasher’s wine when entrusted with it, proving she really is someone we can Count on.
And thus, all our lessons learned and not a naming to be seen, we departed to where the air is sweet, or at least as sweet as it gets without an On-After.
On – I LOVE TRASH – On