When: Thursday, June 11th, 2020
Where: Wherever you happen to be
Hares: You!

I’m here to clear up some confusion..
Shanty
/ˈSHan(t)ē/
noun
A song sung by pirates in rhythm with their work

Shandy
/ˈSHandē/
noun

1. Beer mixed with lemonade or some other sweet carbonated beverage.
Fresh Grapefruit Radler (Shandy) Recipe | Serious Eats
2. A word that should be said when something cool happens or as an expression of excitement. (Ex: “That trail was shandy, bro!”)

3. Shower handjob

Danielle gave Fred a shandy after getting back from the beach, and made everyone mad they went over the ten minute shower limit.
4. A sexual act in which one person uses fecal matter as lubricant for giving a handjob.
You know what.. I think we’ve gone far enough down this rabbit hole.
Violations:

Much like the confusion above, there were some twins on trail causing others to double-take.

We had Headshart and Schrodinger’s Cock in a battle of the tartan.

Ready Player None and Kooter Kunte‘s seltzer, who both went prehistoric on this bitch.

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind and Ernest Hemingway duking it out to be the angstiest drunk on the boat.

Despite these battles royales, some people still managed to call individual attention to themselves:

Like Headshart who was seven cans deep and not even close – TRULY difficult to satisfy.

Skooter Kunte who posted seven pictures in the Google album, rounding up from the usual 6.9.

and everyone who brought beer to a seltzer show. Remember, if you can’t stick it in Seltzer, you can stick it in Cider!

With that, we all went back to sipping our White Claws in shame.

On – It’s like a Four Loco that went to private school – On
Poon-apple Juice (h/t CEotTK)

When: Thursday, June 4, 2020
Where: Wherever you happen to be
Hares: You!

Ah, pool parties. The epitome of summer fun.

Warm sun, cool water, lifeguards who are older than you but you’ll totally trick into making out..

Unsurprisingly, you all did some even dumber things, though..

Violations:

Close Encounters of the Turk Kind reminded us exactly why the ocean is so salty..

You scoundrel is that brandy?" / "Oh, no sir. Just water." : ArcherFX

The Cumburglar severely misunderstood protest protocol, but at least he got some tequila out of it.

Deetz Nutz had to take a 20 minute break after eating too many tacos.

Twaterboarding overdressed for the occasion, wearing three necklaces in a futile effort at modesty.

General Tso’s Dicken reminded us all that the sun never sets on a badass.

Honey Bunches of Cunt brought a handlebar mustache to a pool party, identifying himself as the Capital Bikeshare of the hash.

We were all remiss when the RA called for adult swim, as we realized there was not a true adult within a 6.9 mile radius. Alas, we were forced to retire our water wings and drown our sorrows.

On – No, not that kind of dive – On
Poon-apple Juice (h/t CEotTK)

WHEN: Thursday, May 28th, 2020

WHERE: Your House

HARES: You!

Hello, Hellenistic Homies! Hera hopes you hastily hashed your happy hearts out, heaving habitual hibernation, heroically having healthy habits, and helping hospitable humans hydrate heavily! Hurl your hoodies, hammer Hermes with hummus, and humor Hyperion with Homerian horror in this hottest habitable humidity. Handle your hormones, horny hashers, and hold Helles high, here’s your scribe report!

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This week was our chance to celebrate Greek life, both in the ancient civilization sense as well as the college sense. Some of us broke out our togas, while some of us broke out our hoodies. Some of us drank fine wine, while some of us drank Natty Light. Some of us got wasted, while some of us got wasted.

Now, I spent way too much time doing math nerd shit in college to even get ASKED to join a fraternity, but I know enough your stupid-ass Greek Life rituals to know I wanted no part in that shit. I’m talking about YOU, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, I read ALL ABOUT how you guys shove frozen hot dogs up your pledges’ asses! Maybe the rest of you frat-heads aren’t so bad, but Greek life on my campus was a lot like giving a blow job after a dinner of steak and raw cabbage — it left a pretty bad taste in my mouth.

Monkey Rimshot Bored GIF - MonkeyRimshot Bored Ugh - Discover & Share GIFs

You have no choice but to deal with my shitty punchlines.

After 11 weeks of Virtual Trails, you people are STILL doing dumb shit, and for that, we have a round of VIOLATIONS!

  • Just Kirsten was violated for inadequate education in the maritime construction practices of ancient civilizations. You think that shirt says Greek Life, but the Dragon’s Head on the bow of the ship says it’s of Viking origin. Alpha Tau Omega is reeeaallly doing justice to their reputation for being too annoying to hang out with the cool frats but too dumb to hang out with the smart ones.
  • Mourning Wood was violated because he can’t hold his liquor. Look, I know they relaxed open container laws in DC, but you can’t get so drunk you try to whore yourself out by advertising your favorite sexual position – FACE DOWN ASS UP, that’s the way Mourning Wood likes to get fucked. Maybe next time don’t forget the olive oil for lube.

Thankfully, most of you have gotten the hang of this whole “Virtual trail theme” thing, and for once we have more cummendations than violations! Great job everyone! First up, a round of cummendations for those hashers who are living Greek lift properly.

  • Throbbin’ Hood was cummended for sufficiently bro-ing down for this week’s theme. I can’t wait to see you at the next Dave Matthew’s concert.
  • Schrödinger’s Cock and Poon Apple Juice were cummended for their matching attire. Both of those outfits scream “I stole this hoodie when I hooked up with a frat dude and he’s not getting it back.”
  • Blow Me Closer Tiny Dancer is being cummended for achieving the goal of every frat bro in the world: getting that PUSSY!

Top 30 Frat Bro GIFs | Find the best GIF on Gfycat

Next, the REAL cummendations for everyone living that Ancient Greek lifestyle!

  • Geriatric Mandering was cummended for her appropriate and SEXY Medusa costume – just by looking at her I’m getting ROCK HARD!
  • Ready Player None and Greatest Ho on Earth were cummended for their awesome togas. I’ll have to remember to make my own out of my bedsheets instead of just donating them once they’re too crusty from cumstains to sleep on anymore.
  • Poon Tang Clan was cummended for properly worshipping Artemis, Goddess of the Hunt, and for enriching our lives with this week’s winner of the Goodest Boi Award, Just Oliver!
  • Headshart was cummended for defeating Tyrion Lannister in a Trial by Combat to take her rightful place in the Greek pantheon. Bow before your new deity Headshart, Goddess of Tits and Wine!

i drink and i know things | Tumblr

On-Is Hashing Just a Non-College Fraternity?-On

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind