Oh. My. Gispert.
It had been way too long since we set eyes on the shining streets of Ocean City and roamed the hall of the Castle once again.
The weekend began with trail, which reminded us all that GPS was not as prevalent in the 80’s. Once (most of) the pack made it back, we destroyed the Noid before departing for the Sandbar.
Whilst there, we were serenaded by the masses, enjoying classics such as:
As midnight drew near, some intrepid explorers trekked their way to Seacrets, where they paid even more money to be ignored by bartenders.
When we awoke (and I use that term lightly) the next morn, we had been transported back to 2020 for a day filled with Reigning and Pouring. Ballbusters piled into cars at an unnecessarily early hour, the coffee maker overflowed (twice), and a very hungover Blow Up ate half a dozen eggs.
Trail once again reminded us that the hares don’t really know how to use a compass, but eventually the whole pack (plus a Ballbuster?) arrived at Pit & Pub for a beer check where the crew was actually happy to see us. After drinking my weight in crushes, we were treated to an extra special deck pic.
The bonfire was as spicy as ever, as we elected our Rear End Loader – Head Injury! His inability to sit, stand, or fall over without accidentally falling over was unparalleled.
We regaled one another with tales of the past 24 hours, noting some stupendous
Silver Spooge tried to push the limits on the “gravy on anything” policy, proving his love for being covered in hot liquids.
Burlington Ho Factory played Marco Pole-ho with her undergarments.
A mystery text appeared on the scribe line, stating “If you motherfuckers bury me with a tampon, I’m haunting you!” We late found out who this was, but I’ll let your imagination wander.
Mourning Wood ensured that his “stick” was vegetarian.
Just Jarely announced her discovery of the elusive pizza-flavored dick.
3 West brought no patience to WIE, prelubing at a brew thru.
Seriously 5-10 was literally cited for jaywalking. Just like him to misread the signals.
We didn’t start the fire, but it was still burning, so we took the opportunity to welcum a very special occasion…
The Naming of Just Jarely
This flexible little thang is not a hunter, but a gatherer. She has been gifted many things in her life, from a purple rechargeable “item” to performance anxiety. Her one night stands are multilungual, as she likes it perro style. She takes things offline with her employees often, but can’t remember their names, so she just calls them Daddy. Mrs. Flintstone here can make your bed rock and aims to make a man out of Shang. With all of that fodder, it was her desire to fuck a clam on a scooter that led her to be named…
That’s not all!
The Naming of Just Steve
A real python, Just Steve likes it messy. Whether its sex in a car or hippy-lingus on the Magic School Bus, the shame is enough to make him regret his latest internship. Just Steve once farted loudly in English class, solidify his mastery of the language, and sharted quietly at a party, solidifying his underwear. All it takes to give him a boner is a well-timed pick-up line or a shotgun in Delaware. It was this explosive moment that led to his eventual moniker…
After a short recess to refill our vessels and empty our minds, we gathered once again for…
The Naming of Just Erin
Just Erin was boring in high school, despite wearing a uniform like a poorly animated cartoon character. She’s managed to fulfill all her wildest fantasies, including servicing the Navy, but has somehow avoided a threesome. She’s a fan of sexy bottoms, but would make an exception for Captain America. Open to the whims of the algorithm, Just Erin fucks short men, vampires, and … bees? At the end of the day, her fortunate interaction with a barrel chicken resulted in the name…
Three names richer than before, we retired to the Castle for burritos and naps.
Later that evening, we were treated to the nectar of the Gods during our Iron Bartender contest. The competition was fierce, but one emerged victorious. The Defense Breasts’s spicy mango shot brought all the dragons to the yard.
After a night in the dungeon, we awoke back in 2022. Some attempted a fat boy trail, traveling from their rooms to “breakfast.” Others simply hit the road. This scribe found her way back to DC after a delightful meat-filled breakfast. And then we all had to work on Monday.
On – We’re Going Back… – On
When: Thursday, April 7, 2022
Where: Union Station (Red)
Hares: Pinocchi-Ho, Special Red, Quid Pro Blow, Split Her Bare, and someone else who I didn’t write down because I rely too heavily on trail announcements and I now regret that
Freaky Friday is a 2003 film, based on a 1976 film. But we’re here to talk about the one with Jamie Lee Curtis, because holy shit what a ride.
Angsty teen Lindsay Lohan has a mom who just “doesn’t get it.” Always harping on about her grades, her hair, and her band, this mama bear just needs to let her cub leave the den. After some Chinese magic (or some LSD laced fortune cookies), Lil Lo and JLC find themselves inside of each other.
Jamie Lee thinks being a high school girl will be a walk in the park, but is put in her place by a sexist teacher (aren’t they all?) who is still salty about not getting any at prom. She sabotages her daughter’s potential relationship and ruins another student’s life, or at least her GPA.
Meanwhile, Lohan (in the body of the elder, I’m so lost here) commits insurance fraud, embarrasses herself on national TV, and hits on a high school boy.
Back in the Chinese restaurant where it all began, the ladies share a toast and commit a few acts of self(less) love, swapping them back before a teenager is forced to consummate a marriage with her own step-father.
Later, Lil Dicky wrote a song about it. It’s way better than the movie.
Anyway, I think this was the inspiration for this trail, since no one knew who they were or what they were supposed to be doing.
Geriatric Mandering forgot she wasn’t GM anymore.
Just Nube thought she was a hare, leaving more marks than the actual hares.
Tuck Tuck Deuce extended his own duties to include walker hare, hearding cats through alleys.
Mouthful of Clam mistook himself for Oreho and showed up looking like a snack.
Ginja Ninja relived his virgin days, solving a Just check even though he was terrified.
Even Generals Farm Animal was more confused than normal, accidentally ending up on trail instead of at opening day.
This lack of theme also had your scribe confused as we dove into a round of…
Split Her Bare proved her commitment to the stick, reminding up that when things get slippery, you should go low and slow.
When faced with a lack of holes, Just Davina took matters into her own hands.
The WIE survivors showed Christ-like tendencies. For three days, everyone thought they were dead, but there they were… risen again.
And just like that, we found ourselves on the way back to Wundergarten, where we definitely didn’t make fools of ourselves.
On – Turn this bitch sideways – On
When: Thursday, March 17, 2022
Where: Union Station (Red)
Hares: 9021-Ho, Skooter Kunte, Just Jarely, No Strings Attached
In 1964, General Mills challenged their employees to Make Cereal Exciting Again ™ and one Irishman rose to the occasion. By combining the worst cereal and the worst candy, John Holohan proved that the whole can indeed be greater than the sum of its parts.
Unfortunately, that was not the case for this trail..
Fun fact: these are called marbits.
Just Shannon admitted to utilizing a fluffer to prepare for shot check. What can we say? Leprechauns ARE solitary creatures, but even sometimes they need a helping hand.
Special Red voiced concerns about Ukrainian wheat production, but he can rest assured.. there was no real wheat in any of the beverages on trail.
9021-ho was overheard asking NSA where he gets his very conservative shorts.
A few wankers channeled their inner (Mc)Donald by wearing Orange, but no green. Maybe they’re color blind?
The walkers convinced the hare to Irish Goodbye first half of trail, proving the lure of shots is too strong to ignore.
Just Kaki‘s knowledge of cow assholes (and regular assholes) led to a loud announcement by Knocked Up.
The hares remembered to include three shots to highlight the three stripes of the Irish flag and the three varieties of the Irish: sour & angry, nutty, and Jameson.
The pack then took inspiration and separated into three groups of their own….
Some went home.
Some huddled inside Hamilton’s, for cheap shots of Jameson and not-so-green beer.
And the rest gather around for a very solemn occasion..
The Naming of Just Shannon
Some time ago, two old men lured Just Shannon to the hash, promising her three favorite things: energy, safety, and compliance. We Are! …. Not those things. Luckily, this lover of running found her place in the walkers’ pack. Turns out she had used up her energy chasing cops for interrupting car sex and is still recovering from breaking her foot and hymen simultaneously. This peacemaker once punched a large man, and a five year old. She would fuck an octopus, but somehow hasn’t considered Aquaman a viable suitor. My notes get fuzzy, but luckily The Cumburglar! was on his game, saving the day by suggesting…
Then, like the lands of Ireland, we united once again in the bar. Some of us even brought all of our belongings with us.
On – Is this also a Canadian Pop band reference? – On