When: Thursday, April 4, 2019

Where:  L’Enfant Plaza Metro (LITERALLY EVERY COLOR BUT RED)

Hares:  Mourning Wood, Mistress Cycle, Uno, Dos, Tres, LIFTOFF!, and Fizzy, I think?

Virgins:  Just Sean, Just Johnny

Visitor:  my notes say “Pink Shirt? Seattle?”

On-After:  Tiki TNT

Busted before I could read any violations?: absolutely

Violations that never were:

  • Just Ahren is getting violated for thinking that taking a single apple off the snack table is gonna undo all the damage he did to his body last weekend at WIE.
  • Mourning Wood skipped WIE to scout, imported his sister all the way from Hawaii to co-hare, and the best trail he could come up with was a run around the tidal basin during peak blossom?!  Real innovative stuff there, bud.
  • The hares came up with this trail theme so they could remind everyone how long it’s been since they had cherries to pop.  We get it.  You fuck.
  • Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock wouldn’t shut up on trail about how many hash babies he has.  We get it.  You fuck.
  • Also Twinkle for running down the Wharf loudly telling the story about a lady on a house boat yelling at the hash for making too much noise and dragging us on Reddit, and making a big deal about how he responded responsibly and politely with a classy gentleman’s riposte, the retelling of which apparently necessitated him yelling FUCK in front of a bunch of children.
  • Poon-apple Juice needed a buddy to go to the bathroom at start.  Yeah girl, we all know you don’t take your pants off without at least one other person present.
  • And finally, a violation for all the try-hards who went out and bought Hawaiian shirts specifically for this trail.  And THAT WAS ME AND I STILL WANT MY GODDAMN NATURDAY DOWN DOWN.

Stage direction:

Exit, pursued by an angry marina proprietor. 

On – I have been DENIED! – on,

Stain Gretzky


Stardate: March 29 – 31, 2019

Coordinates: Castle in the Sand, Ocean Shitty, MD 

(e)Mission Leads:

  • Schrodinger’s Micropenis, Rear-end Admiral
  • #SquadHoles, #SquadronLeader
  • Poon-apple Juice, Galactic Correspondent
  • Atari 6900, Space Cowboy
  • Stain Gretzky, Chief Petty Officer

VirginsNot anymore

VisitorShe’s banned from travel events so nothing to see here

On-AfterUnder the table in the hashpitality suite

Let’s play a game.

Match the Scribe to the correct action.

  • #SquadHoles
  • Texas Hold Him
  • Stain Gretzky
  • Wait Wait, Don’t Fuck Me
  • Promptly responded to request for notes with fully formatted trash ready to post.
  • Bogarted circle and talked over the RA the entire time.  Responded to request for notes with “I should get on that!” and waited a whole additional week to send notes.
  • Took three weeks to send trash, even though all violations were from the text submission line and no actual writing was done.
  • Complained about everyone else but still took a month to post WIE trash.  Is cutest.


Reporting in from the Planet Texas:


  • SchroCo once fucked a girl’s belly button. Only hole that was small enough for his dick.
  • Wank Like an Egyptian wore a Star Wars black tie t-shirt, which explains why he never gets invited anywhere nice. SchroCo let out a guttural moan when he saw it, so at least he got to climax once this weekend.
  • SchroCo and You Can’t Handle the Poop took a photo while SchroCo sucked a giraffe’s nuts. So now we have photographic proof that Poop just stands around being weird while other people are getting off.
  • A bunch of christian youth took a photo with #NeverDude in a nasty dolphin costume like they were tourists in Time Square. $12 is the most he’s ever made street walking.
  • Wait-Wait style puns
    • $12 dollars, 12 disciples. I think those christian kids did that on porpoise.
    • “$12 Dolphin” sounds like the poor parody of “Free Willy”
    • Dolphins are just gay sharks. Is #NeverDude the top, the bottom, or a Flipper?


  • Poon-apple Juice said she was too old to be arrested in Ocean City. Well, I thought he was too old for pig tails, so…
  • She also wore sequin pants to trail, even though they chafed. I’m sure she had no trouble finding someone to help her keep her legs spread.
  • Uno, Dos, Tres brought the red tent sash to campout to iron the D back on. I thought there were no D’s at Red Tent?


  • Baron von Jizzmark, our resident polar bear, took a dip in the ocean before bonfire. It isn’t like his dick could get any smaller, but there had to be easier ways to get it wet.
  • I’d violate the runner hares for how shitty second half was, but no one ran it.

Reporting in from the Planet NPR:

  • Stain Gretzky and Slothy Seconds appeared at breakfast wearing banana suits. Talk about an appealing sight!
  • Leaning Tower of Please Ya was knocked over by waves not once, twice, but three times! Guess she hadn’t found her sea legs!
  • While Please Ya was getting knocked by waves, Anal Fission was using a metal detector on the beach. He still didn’t find the spot!
  • In the most controversial move of the weekend, Dude That Guy sliced his bagel in the St. Louis fashion. I certainly hope Dude asked for consent before he fucked that bagel!
  • At Beer Check, You Can’t Handle The Poop placed an order for vegetables. As if we needed reminding that he’s in a vegetative state!
  • Atari 6900 was violated for bringing his lightsaber into circle. Atari, please keep all weapons in a galaxy far far away!

The naming of Just Emily:

Just Emily was born into the white shoed world of white Connecticut and has been thriving ever since. Before making herself cum to the Hash, she spent many years in her home state. After her first sexual encounter in a Subaru, Just Emily praised her partner with a hearty “well done, sir.” I guess mediocrity feels good when that’s all you know!

At her alma mater, Yale, Just Emily hosted naked parties for her co-eds and dated men after scoping out their junk. After engaging rowing, sailing, and other water sports at Yale, Just Emily graduated with a degree in Political Science. Since moving to Washington, D.C., Just Emily has forsaken her role at a prestigious law firm to go into the pie business. Guess that’s why she’s so sweet! I’ll take a baker’s dozen, please!

After much debate, Emily’s privileged background, proficiency in water sports, and overall demeanor earned her the name Yachty McYachtface.

Phoning it in from the Planet Baltimore:

  • Hyperpoop was getting people sweating to a 90’s workout at beer check, who are you, Richard Seamens?
  • The Baltimore guy literally took a shit on BB trail… we know it was a crappy trail but damn
  • Just Morgen called his areola an “aurora borealis” … on theme I guess but your tits aren’t that magical
  • Throbbin Hood was talking about the way he wipes his ass and stated that he “has hours of fecal material”… that was a shitty joke

Final Report from the Chief Petty Officer:

  • When most people find pieces of a dead animal in the forest they make sure not to touch it.  What’s A Boner decided that the most appropriate course of action would be to affix said carrion to his genitals and wear it into a bar.
  • Atari 6900 for being the ballbuster alpha hare and waking up so drunk he couldn’t drive his own car to start across the bridge.  (Actually, this is commendable bc drinking and driving is NOT COOL, but he’s still a pizza-throwing dumbass and should be roasted mercilessly.)
  • Slothy Seconds decided the best place to wait at the bus stop was inside a trash can.  To be fair, I felt left out and climbed into the can with her.
  • Sphincter Shy flashed his baby kilt at the bus stop and nearly caught a ride to start for free.  He’s a DC 4, but an OC 9.
  • I also have written down in my notes “can you get constipated in your urethra?”  Food for thought.

And, a very solemn occasion for Just Morgen!

Just Morgen examines banks very carefully for a living.  He first hashed in 2007, but it takes about 14 months between each cum.  He has ridden a Capital Bikeshare across 66 and sold his plasma for rent money.  He rode a shopping cart to the bottom of a hill and permanently removed all the skin from his hands.  He’s into “Lindsey Lohan in her prime” and thinks Princess Jasmine is super hot.

Suggestions were floated for Ho-Positive and Whorence of Arabia, but due to his affinity for Ms. Lohan and his various and sundry high-speed adventures, henceforth and forever more throughout the world of hashing, Just Morgen shall be known as Herpes The Love Bug.

And I don’t really remember anything after that but I’m still finding glitter in my bed even though I’ve changed the sheets.

On – take me to your leader – on,

Stain Gretzky


When: Thursday, March 14, 2019

Where:  Dupont Circle Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Poon-apple Juice, Throbbin’ Hood, Mourning Wood, General Tso’s Dicken, Schrodinger’s Micropenis

Virgins:  Just Patrick, Just John, Just Elliot, Just Fernando, Just Catherine, Just Joaquin, Just Marissa, Just Julia

Visitor:  Virgin Mobile (Jolly Roger H3), Tits for Tots (Kampala, but formerly of EWH3!)

On-After:  Recessions

It was a gorgeous night in DC and the weather brought out so many fair-weather hashers the pack was positively engorged.  #SquadHoles said it was the biggest he’d ever seen.  Speaking of things I saw on trail…


  • Our wonderful virgins Just Marissa & Just Julia shared in opening circle that a “Historical Bar Dude” from 8 months ago made them cum.  Props to him for being able to make ladies cum 8 months after the fact, and also to them for being cold blooded bitches and not remembering the name of someone who made both of them cum.
  • The hares were violated for spending too much time watching American Pie and not planning trail.  They literally fucked up pi… on pi day… on a pi trail.  If I wanted to get fucked by a pie, I’d just wander around the bakery section of the Unsafeway.
  • Shout out to Texas Hold Him who responded to my complaint that the hares fucked up pi by four digits in by clarifying that to him it’s not fucking unless you’re *at least* four digits in.
  • Cum Peg Me got so deep into his exploration of Asian culture that he came out Mexican?  (It’s a visual joke, he was wearing a serape.)  Also, his several month vacation on the other side of the world wasn’t enough to scrub the DC all the way out of him because I caught him not once, not once, but three times networking for a job on trail.  If I have to hear the phrase “comms director” one more time…
  • SchroCo was busted for naming his dick Google – I literally caught the man shouting at his own crotch “Hey Google, what temperature is it outside?” but despite being skimpily dressed like a sad Dobby cosplay I still couldn’t find it.  Was anybody else feeling lucky?  However, SchroCo should clearly name his junk Uber.  Everybody gets a ride, even though it’s only 3.14 stars…
  • And finally, for all you illiterate philistines who didn’t appreciate my In The Night Kitchen joke about Throbbin’ Hood’s gaping bathrope and missing toque, read a goddamn book.
get it now??

No naming, but plenty of Wawa got stuffed in the ole pie hole if ya know what I mean…

On – 69 degrees in March!! – on,

Stain Gretzky