When: Thursday, December 12, 2019

Where:  Eastern Market Metro (Blue / Orange / Silver Line)

Hares:  Head Injury; Issues and Tissues, Rail Mary, Rosetta Bone, Special Red, and Unobtainium

Virgins:  Justs Dale, Ryan and Corey

Visitor:  some pudjam-curious harriettes from Hangover H3 – Justs Kiersten & Heather

On-After:  Trusty’s

Violations

  • Little Spermaid was having technical difficulties with her ugly sweater, repeatedly pressing her lazy right tit trying to figure out why it wasn’t turned on.  She also had her ass out on the street near the van at start. I know you can buy lots of things at Eastern Market but I’ve never seen a rump roast on sale there before!
  • Shamrock Your Cock was running late to trail in her very expensive shoes.  Mourning Wood showed himself in desperate need for some Queer Eye for the Hash Guy, mistaking Shamrock’s $500 shoes for crocs.  Go ‘head girl, Shamrock out with your crocs out.
  • Cum Dumpling was caught laying himself to rest on the Indian burial mounds at beer check.  I would violate him but he’s already gone. rip, fam
  • Just Dale just moved to DC and he’s really into cars and guns.  So, ya know, he must be packin’.
  • Woodsie ended up in circle again for wanted to make a suit out of Just Arthur’s skin.  BRO we seriously need to talk about your fashion choices.
  • And finally, I personally violated the hares for laying literally the boringest trail of the year that was so straightforward and not messed up that nobody submitted a single violation to me about it.

And in the humble hollow next to the dumpster and the train tracks we had a very solemn occasion and a Christmas miracle… a NAMING!!  Just Emily made herself come to the hash, but gets other people to make her come in the car on federal property.  She works for the Department of Defense, lost her virginity at Loyola in New Orleans and was thrilled she could tell her mom that she wouldn’t die a virgin.  She’d have a threesome with Captain America and Thor, of course, and I wrote something down about taping grapes to the wall. Sounds kinky. After a bunch of lackluster names, a champion rose to the top of the heap.  Henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing, Just Emily shall be known as The Cocktease Falcon!

On – you ever had a BLT on a grilled cheese? it will change your LIFE – on,

Stain Gretzky


When: 11/21/19

Where: Rosslyn

Hares: #Squadholes, Tik Tok it’s Dik O’Clock, Heaven’s Gape, Quid Pro Blow

Virgins: Just Emily, Just Laura, Just Ryan, Just Ray, Just Marline, Just Cooper (woof), Just Ike (woof)

Visitors: One Trick Dick (Syracuse, NY), Rock Sucker (Kigali, Rwanda), Goat Throat (Boston, MA)

Long-Time No-Sees: Poople’s Mountain Majesty, Keebler Shelf

On-After: Continental


What up, my glip glops! Close Encounters of the Rick Kind here, we had a great time getting schwifty at the Council of Ricks Hash!

However, some of you were acting like total Jerrys out there, especially when it came to navigating space and time, so here are some violations in the form of Jerry Awards:  

Violations:

– Tony Panda was almost late for trail and was overheard saying “Rick and Morty can travel through time, we can’t!” Real Ricks can travel through time and space, why didn’t you use your portal gun?

– Mourning Wood punched in last week’s coordinates for Brew Crew. We almost didn’t get velocitinis at Beer Check. Did Evil Rick hack your portal gun, or have you been hanging out with Doofus Rick too much?

– Heaven’s Gape needed three Mortys to help him navigate the walkers trail.

– One of you Jerrys got confused and asked a homeless person for a shot, thinking it was a shot check.

– Jiggly Tits was called out for needing help traversing a spherical art installation. At least we know that when it comes to their commitment to hash shenanigans, they really goes BALLS DEEP!

– One of you crazy Summers was seen pole dancing on a pirate ship in the park. If she keeps up that booty shaking, that won’t be the ONLY stiff mast around here HIYOOOO!

– Group violation: everyone who didn’t properly follow trail and go down the slide in the park. Real Ricks don’t skip out on adventure!

And finally, Geriatric Mandering, for literally having a name with Jerry in it – my daughter is too good for you Jerry, you’re worthless! I’M the master of this household!* 

*Seasons 1-3 only

Alright, that’s all for this week I’m gonna go take a shit.

On-WubalubadubDUUUUB-On
CEotTK

When: Thursday, October 31, 2019

Where:  NoMA Gallaudet Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Colliteral Damage, Vladimir’s Fruitin’, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystac

Virgins & Visitors: literally none, more Twinkle Juice for me!!!

On-After:  Last Call (which is delightfully divey)

Violations

  • Our intrepid alpha hare Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was egged by teenagers upon arriving to beer check.  There was some disagreement about the beer check location but I think it was an eggscellent choice.  I heard some of the eggs didn’t break upon impact which sounds eggscruciating. Frankly the nerve of those mean kids was just eggstraordinary!
  • Meanwhile, Deetz Nuts was getting the ladies on their knees… to suck out of his titties!  Seriously considering changing his name to Deetz Teetz or Teetz Nutz.  I think the left one was tastier, in my humble scribe opinion.
  • Twinkle remarked that he was covered in beer and feeling a little yeasty.  Is that why the TJ on the table at end circle was so chunky?? *gags* 
  • The hares ran the whole pack through my back alley and didn’t come around front to say hi to my pussy. Rude.
  • This Dirty Banana showed up to trail in an apeeling costume (a WIE 2019 vintage) only to find that Twinkle wore the same outfit as me!  Honestly this whole trail is CANCELLED and everyone should go home and let me drink the rest of the TJ myself.

No naming as the skies were literally about to burst open upon us and we all scuttled off to Last Call like that rat Pinocchi-ho kicked last time we were in NoMA.

On – no one needs to know that my Friday “mental health day” was for my TJ hangover – on,

Stain Gretzky