When: Thursday, July 4, 2019

Where:  Anacostia Metro (Green Line)

Hares:  Special Head Kid, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Red Dong, La Gingeracha, Little Zombie Munch Punch, and Jigglytits

Virgins:  a bunch, but we had no scribe so I’m doing this from memory

Visitor:  more on this later

On-After:  Bardo

Here is a dramatic reenactment of trail in GIF form:

On-on,
Shade Gretzky

When: Thursday, June 27, 2019

Where:  Takoma Metro (Red Line)

Birthday Empress: Shamrock Your Cock

Hares:  Cum Dumpling, Coxxx on Demand, Infidellatio, Issues & Tissues, and You Can’t Handle the Poop

Virgin:  Just Patrick

Visitor:  Rusty Grundle from Chicago H3

On-After:  Olive Lounge

Y’all this was a very special trail for our very own self-proclaimed “Alpha Bitch” Shamrock Your Cock.  She literally told me this at my second trail ever while I was beer bitching, and she’s remained a hashing icon ever since.  It was her 50th birthday, and nothing says “Hashy Birthday, Fuck You” like getting made fun of in front of all your friends after doing a trail with way too many hills, getting rained on, and having such wet shoes your foot feels like a diaper.

Violations

  • Dial F was violated for luring Mourning Wood, Special Head Kid, and Heaven’s Gape to sit on his big wood at beer check.
  • Speaking of big wood, What’s a Boner took a big facefull of it tripping on a slippery bridge crossing.
  • Speaking of things about dicks, everyone was so bewitched with all of the rainbow roosters on trail that Schrodinger’s Cock confused “on right” with “car right” and nearly died because he was, for once, paying attention to a cock other than his own.
  • You Can’t Handle The Poop shared that in the winter time stray cats will come and sit on the cover of his hot tub to get warm.  I mean, the man’s got to get pussy some how…
  • And finally, Shamrock Your Cock as the birthday honoree and woman of the hour received a very special violation on behalf of the hares for their over two mile first half walkers trail.  Because honestly, I can’t blame her for thinking that was a manageable distance for all those times Tony Panda told her what 8 inches looks like.

And no naming, but a HUGE FUCKING HASHY BIRTHDAY to Shamrock who apparently fucked right off to Aruba the second trail was over.  EDub loves ya, baby!

On – the hills have thighs – on,

Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, May 30, 2019

Where:  Stadium Armory Metro (Silver / Orange / Blue Line)

Hares:  Special Head Kid, Just Roxy, Heaven’s Gape, Seizure’s Phallus, Basement Boy Toy, Melabonin, and Stain Gretzky (that’s me!!)

Virgins:  Just AJ

Visitor:  technically a long-time-no-see-em, Tosh.Homo

On-After:  Trusty’s, where good decisions go to die

Violations

  • First, to the Ore-Ho, Son, What The Fuck?!, for buying us Silly Circles.  This is offensive because 1) I take my circles very seriously and 2) because Silly Circles are featured on the “crappy off brands” sub Reddit.
  • Pinnochi-ho was violated for skipping half of trail to snare Special Head Kid, taking his shorts, hoisting them aloft on a giant stick, and then affixing them to a dumpster so he didn’t have to keep holding them, but more importantly, because SHK couldn’t reach them up there.
  • Tragic Carpet Ride was heard commenting that the melty mint julep Jell-O shots looked like a placenta.  First of many questions I have… how do you know that??  And, it didn’t stop me from eating 6 of them and yelling at everyone to help me out on second half of walkers’ trail.
  • The inimitable and resourceful General’s Farm Animal noted that these extremely minty shot checks would refresh your breath both going down and coming back up later.  *retching noises*
  • Our GM, Throbbin’ Hood, was caught demonstrating his bug spray application technique that put bug spray directly into his own eyes… and his hash mug.  Inside and out, he’s certainly making sure that every inch of him is covered!
  • Scooter Kunte, DC-based science teacher that she is, loudly mistook the Anacostia River for a reservoir.  Does she even go here??
  • And a commendation for Just Paul with his giant black beard, olive complexion, and American flag silkies… a look for all occasions, but especially for when you want your dick to say “Freedom,” but your face to say “Detained by TSA.”

And, giddyup, dear reader, we had a very solemn occasion for smurf-handjob professional, Just Roxy!!!

Just Roxy’s a grad student in economics (Go Terps!) and she can’t move backwards.  Maybe It’s Gaybelline is her sugar daddy, by which I mean he supplies her favorite substance to masturbate with (it’s semen).  The meanest thing she ever did was break up with someone because he wasn’t weird enough.  The weirdest thing she ever did was give someone head immediately after anal sex.  She also masturbated in the front seat of a car while her mom was driving.  Some top name suggestions included Kelly-Anne Cumway and The Thin Brown Line.  But because she’s a cougar and has a strong preference for non-white dudes, especially Middle Eastern hotties like Aladdin, Just Roxy shall henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing be known as… They Blow Up So Fast!

On – KaBOOM! – on,

Stain Gretzky