Where: L’Enfant Plaza Metro (LITERALLY EVERY
COLOR BUT RED)
Hares: Mourning Wood, Mistress Cycle, Uno, Dos,
Tres, LIFTOFF!, and Fizzy, I
Virgins: Just Sean, Just Johnny
Visitor: my notes say “Pink Shirt? Seattle?”
On-After: Tiki TNT
Busted before I could read any violations?: absolutely
Violations that never were:
Ahren is getting violated for thinking that taking a single apple off the
snack table is gonna undo all the damage he did to his body last weekend at
Wood skipped WIE to scout, imported his sister all the way from Hawaii to co-hare,
and the best trail he could come up with was a run around the tidal basin
during peak blossom?! Real innovative
stuff there, bud.
came up with this trail theme so they could remind everyone how long it’s been
since they had cherries to pop. We get
it. You fuck.
Twinkle Little Cock wouldn’t shut up on trail about how many hash babies he
has. We get it. You fuck.
for running down the Wharf loudly telling the story about a lady on a house
boat yelling at the hash for making too much noise and dragging us on Reddit, and
making a big deal about how he responded responsibly and politely with a classy
gentleman’s riposte, the retelling of which apparently necessitated him yelling
FUCK in front of a bunch of children.
Juice needed a buddy to go to the bathroom at start. Yeah girl, we all know you don’t take your pants
off without at least one other person present.
And finally, a violation for all the try-hards who went out and bought Hawaiian
shirts specifically for this trail. And
THAT WAS ME AND I STILL WANT MY GODDAMN NATURDAY DOWN DOWN.
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Promptly responded to request for notes with fully formatted trash ready to post.
Bogarted circle and talked over the RA the entire time. Responded to request for notes with “I should get on that!” and waited a whole additional week to send notes.
Took three weeks to send trash, even though all violations were from the text submission line and no actual writing was done.
Complained about everyone else but still took a month to post WIE trash. Is cutest.
Reporting in from the Planet Texas:
SchroCo once fucked a girl’s belly button. Only hole that was small enough for his dick.
Wank Like an Egyptian wore a Star Wars black tie t-shirt, which explains why he never gets invited anywhere nice. SchroCo let out a guttural moan when he saw it, so at least he got to climax once this weekend.
SchroCo and You Can’t Handle the Poop took a photo while SchroCo sucked a giraffe’s nuts. So now we have photographic proof that Poop just stands around being weird while other people are getting off.
A bunch of christian youth took a photo with #NeverDude in a nasty dolphin costume like they were tourists in Time Square. $12 is the most he’s ever made street walking.
Wait-Wait style puns
$12 dollars, 12 disciples. I think those christian kids did that on porpoise.
“$12 Dolphin” sounds like the poor parody of “Free Willy”
Dolphins are just gay sharks. Is #NeverDude the top, the bottom, or a Flipper?
Poon-apple Juice said she was too old to be arrested in Ocean City. Well, I thought he was too old for pig tails, so…
She also wore sequin pants to trail, even though they chafed. I’m sure she had no trouble finding someone to help her keep her legs spread.
Uno, Dos, Tres brought the red tent sash to campout to iron the D back on. I thought there were no D’s at Red Tent?
Baron von Jizzmark, our resident polar bear, took a dip in the ocean before bonfire. It isn’t like his dick could get any smaller, but there had to be easier ways to get it wet.
I’d violate the runner hares for how shitty second half was, but no one ran it.
Reporting in from the Planet NPR:
Gretzky and Slothy Seconds
appeared at breakfast wearing banana suits. Talk about an appealing sight!
Tower of Please Ya was knocked over by waves not once, twice, but three
times! Guess she hadn’t found her sea legs!
While Please Ya was getting knocked by waves, Anal Fission was using a metal detector
on the beach. He still didn’t find the spot!
In the most controversial move of the weekend, Dude That Guy sliced his bagel in the
St. Louis fashion. I certainly hope Dude asked for consent before he fucked
At Beer Check, You Can’t Handle The Poop placed an order for vegetables. As if we
needed reminding that he’s in a vegetative state!
6900 was violated for bringing his lightsaber into circle. Atari, please
keep all weapons in a galaxy far far away!
The naming of Just
Just Emily was born into the white shoed world of white
Connecticut and has been thriving ever since. Before making herself cum to the
Hash, she spent many years in her home state. After her first sexual encounter
in a Subaru, Just Emily praised her partner with a hearty “well done, sir.” I
guess mediocrity feels good when that’s all you know!
At her alma mater, Yale, Just Emily hosted naked parties for
her co-eds and dated men after scoping out their junk. After engaging rowing,
sailing, and other water sports at Yale, Just Emily graduated with a degree in
Political Science. Since moving to Washington, D.C., Just Emily has forsaken
her role at a prestigious law firm to go into the pie business. Guess that’s
why she’s so sweet! I’ll take a baker’s dozen, please!
After much debate, Emily’s privileged background,
proficiency in water sports, and overall demeanor earned her the name Yachty McYachtface.
Phoning it in from the Planet Baltimore:
was getting people sweating to a 90’s workout at beer check, who are you,
guy literally took a shit on BB trail… we know it was a crappy trail but
called his areola an “aurora borealis” … on theme I guess but your
tits aren’t that magical
Hood was talking about the way he wipes his ass and stated that he
“has hours of fecal material”… that was a shitty joke
Final Report from the Chief Petty Officer:
When most people find pieces of a dead animal in
the forest they make sure not to touch it.
What’s A Boner decided that
the most appropriate course of action would be to affix said carrion to his genitals
and wear it into a bar.
6900 for being the ballbuster alpha hare and waking up so drunk he couldn’t
drive his own car to start across the bridge.
(Actually, this is commendable bc drinking and driving is NOT COOL, but
he’s still a pizza-throwing dumbass and should be roasted mercilessly.)
Seconds decided the best place to wait at the bus stop was inside a trash
can. To be fair, I felt left out and climbed
into the can with her.
Shy flashed his baby kilt at the bus stop and nearly caught a ride to start
for free. He’s a DC 4, but an OC 9.
I also have written down in my notes “can you
get constipated in your urethra?” Food
And, a very solemn occasion for Just Morgen!
Just Morgen examines banks very carefully for a living. He first hashed in 2007, but it takes about
14 months between each cum. He has ridden
a Capital Bikeshare across 66 and sold his plasma for rent money. He rode a shopping cart to the bottom of a
hill and permanently removed all the skin from his hands. He’s into “Lindsey Lohan in her prime” and
thinks Princess Jasmine is super hot.
Suggestions were floated for Ho-Positive and Whorence of
Arabia, but due to his affinity for Ms. Lohan and his various and sundry high-speed
adventures, henceforth and forever more throughout the world of hashing, Just
Morgen shall be known as Herpes The Love
And I don’t really remember anything after that but I’m
still finding glitter in my bed even though I’ve changed the sheets.
Virgins: Just Patrick, Just John, Just Elliot, Just
Fernando, Just Catherine, Just Joaquin, Just Marissa, Just Julia
Visitor: Virgin Mobile (Jolly Roger H3), Tits for Tots (Kampala, but formerly of
It was a gorgeous night in DC and the weather brought out so
many fair-weather hashers the pack was positively engorged. #SquadHoles
said it was the biggest he’d ever seen.
Speaking of things I saw on trail…
Our wonderful virgins Just Marissa & Just Julia shared in opening circle that a
“Historical Bar Dude” from 8 months ago made them cum. Props to him for being able to make ladies
cum 8 months after the fact, and also to them for being cold blooded bitches
and not remembering the name of someone who made both of them cum.
were violated for spending too much time watching American Pie and not planning
trail. They literally fucked up pi… on pi
day… on a pi trail. If I wanted to get
fucked by a pie, I’d just wander around the bakery section of the Unsafeway.
Shout out to Texas Hold Him who responded to my complaint that the hares fucked
up pi by four digits in by clarifying that to him it’s not fucking unless you’re
*at least* four digits in.
Me got so deep into his exploration of Asian culture that he came out
Mexican? (It’s a visual joke, he was
wearing a serape.) Also, his several
month vacation on the other side of the world wasn’t enough to scrub the DC all
the way out of him because I caught him not once, not once, but three times
networking for a job on trail. If I have
to hear the phrase “comms director” one more time…
busted for naming his dick Google – I literally caught the man shouting at his
own crotch “Hey Google, what temperature is it outside?” but despite being skimpily
dressed like a sad Dobby cosplay I still couldn’t find it. Was anybody else feeling lucky? However, SchroCo should clearly name his junk
Uber. Everybody gets a ride, even though
it’s only 3.14 stars…
And finally, for all you illiterate philistines
who didn’t appreciate my In The Night
Kitchen joke about Throbbin’ Hood’s gaping
bathrope and missing toque, read a goddamn book.
No naming, but plenty of Wawa got stuffed in the ole pie
hole if ya know what I mean…
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