Virgins: Just Patrick, Just John, Just Elliot, Just
Fernando, Just Catherine, Just Joaquin, Just Marissa, Just Julia
Visitor: Virgin Mobile (Jolly Roger H3), Tits for Tots (Kampala, but formerly of
It was a gorgeous night in DC and the weather brought out so
many fair-weather hashers the pack was positively engorged. #SquadHoles
said it was the biggest he’d ever seen.
Speaking of things I saw on trail…
Our wonderful virgins Just Marissa & Just Julia shared in opening circle that a
“Historical Bar Dude” from 8 months ago made them cum. Props to him for being able to make ladies
cum 8 months after the fact, and also to them for being cold blooded bitches
and not remembering the name of someone who made both of them cum.
were violated for spending too much time watching American Pie and not planning
trail. They literally fucked up pi… on pi
day… on a pi trail. If I wanted to get
fucked by a pie, I’d just wander around the bakery section of the Unsafeway.
Shout out to Texas Hold Him who responded to my complaint that the hares fucked
up pi by four digits in by clarifying that to him it’s not fucking unless you’re
*at least* four digits in.
Me got so deep into his exploration of Asian culture that he came out
Mexican? (It’s a visual joke, he was
wearing a serape.) Also, his several
month vacation on the other side of the world wasn’t enough to scrub the DC all
the way out of him because I caught him not once, not once, but three times
networking for a job on trail. If I have
to hear the phrase “comms director” one more time…
busted for naming his dick Google – I literally caught the man shouting at his
own crotch “Hey Google, what temperature is it outside?” but despite being skimpily
dressed like a sad Dobby cosplay I still couldn’t find it. Was anybody else feeling lucky? However, SchroCo should clearly name his junk
Uber. Everybody gets a ride, even though
it’s only 3.14 stars…
And finally, for all you illiterate philistines
who didn’t appreciate my In The Night
Kitchen joke about Throbbin’ Hood’s gaping
bathrope and missing toque, read a goddamn book.
No naming, but plenty of Wawa got stuffed in the ole pie
hole if ya know what I mean…
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Where: Francis Scott
Key Park, RosslynMetro (Orange / Blue / Silver Line)
Hares: PIO, Brokeback Mama, COXXX On Demand,
Seizure’s Phallus, and Sally The
Virgins: none, they all froze
Amigos from OTH (which is Pudjam, u guys)
On-After: Mr. Smith’s (ew)
It was cold as fuck that night and I think the hash’s humor well
pretty much froze over, so not much to offer here…
Dexter The Dog had to be carried up the second half of the Exorcist stairs. What a bitch.
broke Lent tradition and instead of laying a fishy trail it was a full-on sausage
thought that this trail through a college campus was really awesome but it left
his knees really sad. I hear ya buddy,
my knees hadn’t felt that bad since the last time I was on a college campus.
And I would be remiss if I did not draw
attention to the fact that Throbbin’
Hood thought Abuela Mastabata
was Maybe It’s Gaybelline.
Enough of that shit, we had a very solemn occasion on this frigid
night…… A NAMING!!!!
Meet Just Alex,
he works for the government and has three degrees, which explains why he is a
triple bottom engineer. He’s from West
Philly and ended up on the stage because he sucks at sports. He’s masturbated to completion while driving
a car and shit himself at work after a long bike commute. He got a boner in math class and the worst
thing he’s ever put up his butt was a butt plug 3 sizes too big. After it was clearly established that we were
going with a butt name, suggestions like Eyes
Bigger Than My Anus and Department
of the Posterior were floated (and my personal favorite, Scrooge McButt), but given his love of
engineering and straight up rearing, henceforth and forevermore throughout the
world of hashing, Just Alex shall be known as Deep Anal Hoerizon.
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When: Valentine’s Day, Thursday, February 14, 2019
Where: Georgia Ave / Petworth Metro (Green /
Hares: Melabonin, Basement Boy Toy, Red Dong,
Zombie, Just Kevin and Just Ez, Just Surak, and maybe a mystery hare!
Virgins: Justs Mia, Chelsea, Valdilia, Aaron
Visitor: B.D.S.Amateur from Beijing H3
On-After: Don Juan’s Restaurant
Y’all, I thought this was going to be a Valentine’s Day Trail
but it was more like a February 15th aka Discount Chocolate Day Trail
that was technically still in theme but was also too little too late, totally
in shambles, and definitely resulted in me eating cheese in the dark on the
floor in my kitchen. Shout out to SchroCo for sharing his 200th
Violations, and literally every single one is about how
shitty trail was:
birthday girl and alpha hare extraordinare, generously allowed the entire pack
to use Basement Boy Toys’ rear
entrance halfway through trail.
I felt personally victimized by the lack of
Valentine’s gifts left for me in the woods while I was alone going full Blair
Witch Project with virgin Just Mia. I didn’t need jewelry, lingerie, chocolates
or any of that from the hares, all
this girl needed was some flours.
Tonight’s trail definitely felt like a surprise
orgy hosted by the hares. We were all in the dark together and I didn’t
really know where I was going or what was happening but I was definitely
Tonight’s trail felt less like a Valentine’s Day
Trail and more like a David’s Bridal Super Black Friday Sale. Every bitch for themselves and so help me god
if you get in my way.
Tonight’s trail felt like one of those variety
sampler boxes of candy where you just bite into them with blind trust and you’re
just like please god please god no nuts.
And most important, hashy birthday, fuck you, to