When: Thursday, October 17, 2019

Where:  Tenleytown Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  Colliteral Damage, GeriatricMandering, Deathly Swallows, Rail Mary, All Flash No Drive, Rosetta Bone, Tacos On A Bridge

Virgins:  Just Elsa & Just Stephanie

Visitor:  Dr. Mouthful of Clam (he doesn’t go here anymore!) & Lieutenant Dan The Swing Bang Man (Okinawa!)

On-After:  Tenley Bar and Grill


  • Just Arthur was persecuted for being a vessel thief!  As my esteemed co-scribe threatened him – if you mess with the squad, you get the holes.
  • Speaking of #SquadHoles, that mofo was wearing a raceist Baltimore Running Festival shirt.
  • Just Jessie collided with a police officer on a bicycle.  I mean I know we all wanna bang strippers but ok maybe that’s taking it a little far.
  • The Cumburglar said that he doesn’t like jell-O shots because it feels like 3 blow jobs in his mouth.  I am concerned that he both 1) failed sex ed as a child and 2) is going to get arthiritis in his jaw like Kobayshi, the hot dog eating champion.
  • Tragic Carpet Ride tried to pay his hash cash with a roll of quarters.  I was just relieved that for once he was trying to give someone a roll of actual currency and not his penis.
  • Rail Mary tried to get all of the walkers lost by navigating them away from the shot check.  Cause honestly the only thing scarier than running this trail is having to run it again…

At some point later, which may or may not have been the same day, or may or may not have been at MM Recruitment HH at Town Tavern we had a very solemn occasion… a naming!!!  Recounted here below by #SquadHoles:

While many rejoiced at the idea of helping out the hash for another year… a plot was afoot to rename an unbaptized Just Jessie! After many of your fellow hashers were done drinking their fill and signing up to help out our kennel in various ways, the opportunity for a solemn occasion arose and we got to learn more about Just Jessie, dogmom to my favorite beer bitch, Just Bodhi. While the idea of her falling asleep on every surface of the bar, various hash events and an alleged college exam floor mid test played into many of the name suggestions like Sleepy Swallows and Goodnight Poon. Her tales of being a road promoter for various bands ultimately led to a story about Ke$ha being, “voluntold” to remove the bottle jack from her tummy and proceed onstage. Just Jessie accomplished her task and after 7 minutes in Ke$ha the show went on. But like all good things it was time to name this betch! Like the famous Ke$ha song and one of Stain Gretzky’s favorite sayings… her name had to be Tik Tok it’s Dik O’Clock.


Stain Gretzky

When: Thursday, October 10, 2019

Regular Trail 

  • Minnesota Ave (Orange) @ 6:45 pm
  • Hares: Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me… etc.!
  • Virgins: Just Andy
  • Visitors: AARPenis, Fister Roboto, Drillbert, Moremen Pukes Tonight

Ballbuster Trail

  • Capitol Heights (Blue) @ 5:30 pm
  • Hares: All Flash No Drive, Special Head Kid, Goldman Ballsachs, By the Power of Gayskull, Quid Pro Blow
  • Virgins: Just Allen
  • Visitors: Six From Behind (from Syracuse!)

On-After:  DC Eagle

Violations from Double Scribe Tag Team on top of a pile of dirt under a bridge aka Slut Mountain

  • La Gingeracha brought a trio of rubber chickens to trail for BB.  Not only was he caught choking them at beer check, he also got the new kids to put them into their pants making it the first time in 2019 someone touched LG’s cock.
  • Just Allen asked someone where he should put his cock.  I think either of our RAs were available, frankly.
  • You Can’t Handle The Poop nearly ran over a muggle exiting a library on trail.  We get it bro, you’re swole, doesn’t mean you need to body slam nerds to prove it.
  • Quid Pro Blow took it into a hole on trail and ended up all bloody.  Good to know he’s into period sex.
  • Beer check for the ballbusters was next to some soiled mattresses in the bushes.  Wow, RDR committee really splashed out for the hotel this year!
  • SchroCo was the perviest recipient of a tit check, looking around like Golem trying to find his previous.
  • Just Arthur was violated for nearly killing an old ass muggle on the Anacostia River Trail in the dark.  He was definitely confused with last week’s trail – it was supposed to be in Hyattsville on the Florida Man trail that we bumped off some old people.
  • What’s A Boner was reliving his WIE BB fantasy where he found a deer skull in the woods by chasing down a live deer so that he could affix its skull to his crotch.
  • AARPenis skipped a fish hook, ignoring Edub tradition.  It’s true what they say, without rules we’re all just a bunch of old dicks.
  • The ballbuster hares were violated for being the most Type A uptight DC hares for having a minute-by-minute tick tock for their trail.  They shortened it but it was still long enough for me and I give it a perfect 10 (miles). Also, I was WEARING NEW SHOES the whole time and nobody noticed.  Bwahahaha!!!

No naming, but it was leather night at DC Eagle so I’m sure someone ended up on their knees in the middle of a circle of people.

On – nice day for a red wedding – on,

Stain Gretzky & #SquadHoles

When: Thursday, September 26, 2019

Where:  Union Station Metro (Red Line)

Hares:  General Tso’s Kitten, (Lickin’) Deetz Nutz, Geriatric Meow-ndering, Tail Mary, Mew-mbo # Hives, Schrödinger’s Cat (maybe alive?)

Virgins:  none!

Visitor:  Mike Man from Seoul, Drop and Tug from Yerevan Armenia, Amerigo Vespoogie from Seattle

On-After:  Union Pub


  • Deep Anal Horizon was violated for becoming the alpha of a new feral cat colony by making his territory all over beer check.
  • Allegedy, Tragic Carpet Ride ran half a block on trail.  You’ve gotta be kitten me.
  • Cum Dumpling was violated because, just like a cat, he is so flexible he can lick his own butthole and, just like a cat, he made eye contact with anyone who dared challenge him while he decided to do this in the middle of a busy H St intersection.
  • Just Gautham looked around at beer check like this wasn’t the friggin’ cat trail and expressed surprise that somebody had “cleaned up” the dead mouse that was there the last time we used that beer check spot.
  • #SquadHoles was violated for freely calling himself a pig on trail.  I mean seriously, that man is a walking roast.
  • Special Red was exceptionally well prepared for trail tonight – with his running flip flops tied on with yarn he was prepared for a cat-toy related emergency at any moment.
  • And finally, a violation for the hares, because the only thing more terrifying, upsetting, and ill-planned than that trail was the trailer for the new Cats movie.

On – check meowt – on,

Stain Catzky