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♫Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock♫
♫What the hell was in that shot?♫
♫Chocolate Milk and Everclear♫
♫Should have stuck to drinking beer♫
♫Now I have to Twinkle Puke♫
♫Fuck your fucking Twinkle Juice♫

Join us for an EWH3 tradition now in its NINTH year, the Anything But Clothes Hash! You know the drill by now – show up wearing anything EXCEPT clothing – trash bags, cardboard boxes, strategically placed stuffed animals, or just lots of duct tape. Duct tape is your friend. In a pinch? Wear a toga or a pillowcase. Just don’t be the only one who shows up in clothes! As always, there will be a prize for best costume promised, and usually delivered if the Twinkle Juice hasn’t taken over by then.

Oh. And there will be Twinkle Juice, as a part of four shot checks. Just take off Friday now.

See you there in a hastily thrown together duct tape mess, or a condom dress you’ve been working on for two months. We don’t care as long as it’s not clothes!

-Twinkle and Friends

When: 6:45 PM Thursday August 30th, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Minnesota Avenue (Orange Line), Minnesota Ave. side – follow marks to start!

Hares: Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Roll Over Bitch, Six Pigs in a Blanket, Poonapple Juice, Deetz Nutz, and Colliteral Damage

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to A’. Urban Shiggy only, dog friendly as long as it’s not wearing clothes. It should be a nice night. Pack smartly BRING A HEADLAMP & mug! Be smart, have fun. Consider taking Friday off.

How Far: Runners’ trail will be approximately 5 miles long (about 3 miles first half and 2 miles second half). Walkers’ trail is 2.5 miles long (1.25 first half and 1.3 second).

Last trains out of Minnesota Avenue Metro (Orange Line):
New Carrollton 11:56 PM
Vienna/Fairfax-GMU 11:15 PM

On After:
DC Eagle
3701 Benning Road NE
Washington DC 20019

Specials: Don’t worry about it. There will be ample Twinkle Juice outside.

When: Thursday, August 16
Where: L’Enfant Plaza – Maryland Ave/7th Street exit – follow marks to start in Hancock Park!

On this joyous occasion, the Hares provided marital advice:
Red Vag of Courage “Listen to her.”
Hungry Hungry Homo “Make sure the table runners match the cumberbunds.”
Red, White, and Poo “Continue being cheap.”
Sphincter Shy “Conceive!”
Deathly Swallows “Let her take it.”

(I can only assume she meant “take the last nug”)

Virgins: Just Ansel, Just Kevin, Just Kerry, Just Alex, Just Shelly (Kelly? Unclear..), Just Melanie, Just Lucy, Just Tenzen

Visitors: None. You don’t invite strangers to your wedding.

Ok, first off I want to note that no one involved in last night’s festivities had ANY right to be wearing a white dress.

Wait, what’s that? The color white is not symbolic of virginity? Rather, the color blue was connected to the concepts of purity, a la the Virgin Mary? Well, then I stand corrected.

At least there were plenty of similarly clad individuals to confuse the evil wedding spirits. And, you guessed it, they did some stupid and confusing shit.

Red Vag of Courage was hit by a car on her way to trail and still showed up to alpha. Wait, isn’t it the bride and groom who are supposed to go down?

Bipolar Bear couldn’t tell the difference between roofies and penicillin.

Mourning Wood was so horny that he called every bar by name, as long as that name was Rhino-related.

Despite Brew Crewing, Schrodinger’s Cock dressed for his photo shoot at Anthropologie.

Just Ansel and Just Kevin tried to keep it tight with sit-ups, forgetting that it’s actually kegles that they should’ve been doing.

Just because the Hares shared their personal advice doesn’t mean they didn’t hide more well-wishes for the happy couple throughout the trail. Luckily, I was there to translate.

The Hares took us past the Titanic Memorial. Translation: May your marriage never sink.
They walked us past a dentist. Translation: May all your blowjobs be toothy.

Walkers had to put forth twice as much effort as the r*nners. Translation: May you always shoulder the weight of the world equally.
And finally, May your marriage be as long as that trail. And waaayyyy longer than Twinkle’s dick.

First cums love, the cums marriage, then cums…


The Naming of Just Kyle

Once upon a time, The Hyperpoop awoke his roommate, Just Kyle, from his peaceful mid-workday slumber to make him cum to the hash. This amateur porn addiciando likes it natural, but is averse to bushes. He “used to” like animated hentai (as opposed to what other kind of hentai…?), but then he turned 13. This little engine that couldn’t has let down numerous women, whether they request it to be harder, fist-ier, or just somewhere outside of the bedroom for once. While I’m personally intrigued by his band camp days as an oboe player, he’s much more interested in fucking sheep. For reasons that I (and he) can’t quite put a finger on, Dr. Too Little swooped in to save the day, naming him…

With two new Mr.’s and one new Mrs. in tow, we walked the long aisle to Mission, where tequila reminded us all of why we filed for that divorce.

On – always the bridesmaid – On

Poon-apple Juice

For general questions on hashing, email us questions at [email protected].

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His name is Gispert
I have a dream about him
He makes me squirt
And satisfies my every whim
Oh how he rocks
In those shiggy socks
But he doesn’t know who I am
And he doesn’t give a damn about me

Cause I’m just a hashing dirtbag baby.
I’m just a drunken hasher, baby.
Down-down this lukewarm, flat beer, baby
With me

When: 6:45 PM, Thursday August 23rd, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Gallery Place (Green, Yellow, Red Lines – avoid the red line if you can by taking the D6, G8, 70, X2, 80, 42 or P6 bus) – exit at 9th and G. Follow marks to the Portrait Gallery to start!

Hares: Poon-apple Juice, Atari 6900, Mourning Wood, Throbbin’ Hood, No Strings Attached

How Far: This trail is short, like your skirts. First half is about 2 miles, second half is about 1 mile. Walker’s trail is roughly half the distance of runner’s.

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to B-ish. Remember that the bug spray needs to go up your skirt, too. It should be a nice night. Kilts aren’t skirts! Pack smartly and bring a lamp & mug! Be smart, have fun, listen to Iron Maiden.

Last trains out of:
Union Station (0.5 miles from on-after):
(Take it with a grain of salt, because of track work)
Gallery Place (0.8 miles from on-after):

On After:
Hamilton’s Bar & Grill
233 2nd St NW

Miller High Life… $3.50
House WIne… $7.00
The opportunity to make unsuspecting kickball players uncomfortable… Priceless