EWH3 #585 – Cocks in Peter Peter’s Tail Trail, DuPont Circle

HaresSlumcock Anywhere, Cock-a-Doodle-Me, Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock, CoXXX on Demand, and Shamrock Your Cock

Brew Crew:  Blows a Tranny, George Stuffed an Octopus

Virgins:  Just Zach, Mike, Marishka, Lisa, Sean, Beth, Alex, Joshua, Jamie, Nate, Paul, Allison, Margaret, and too many more to keep track of

Visitors:  Big Trouble in Little Vagina (San Francisco H3), Fat Boy Slim, Anal Something-or-other (Seattle H3)

Analversaries:  17 runs–Mile High Snub, Holy Milk of our Mothers, Little Bunny Poo Poo; 69 runs–Fuxedo, Leggs Over Easy, Assfault, Me-Likee-Lickee-Ca-Ca; 200 runs–Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow

Ononon:  The Big Hunt

 

The huge pack circled up at DuPont Circle and took off through the surrounding neighborhood.  Parts of trail looked really familiar.  Like, I see last week’s flour familiar.  We eventually veered off in Rock Creek Park, where we had to climb down a very steep hill that ended in a dropoff straight onto the Parkway–safety third, y’all!–followed by a creek crossing.  Speaking of which, what’s up with the people who took their shoes off to cross Rock Creek?  Your shoes are gonna get nasty if you keep hashing, so get used to it.  We climbed up the other side of the hill and ended up at a beer check near Georgetown, where the hares had hidden Easter eggs.  Some had jello shots inside, and others had condoms–the perfect accoutrements for a hash!  One leads to the other, after all.   

The first half of trail had an Easter Egg Hunt.  The second half had a flour hunt, but there weren’t any special surprises that were hidden, just the trail.  We somehow managed to zen into downtown, and ended up in an alley a few blocks from the bar.

 

Violations:

  • Chicken Phucker heard that Fruit of the Poon likes it shaved, but didn’t realize that she wasn’t referring to his head.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! passed the PIMP test or something, not that that’ll actually enable him to get laid.
  • Just Claire wore new shoes that were such a bright shade of pink, it looked like a vagina puked all over them.
  • Manipple Lickter was disappointed that he went to Nellie’s the night before the hash and didn’t get hit on by any dudes, despite the fact that he was on a date with a girl.
  • Assflac, because until we saw his shirt, we didn’t know that doing a tri would make him bi.
  • The hares said trail would be safe, but they were April Fooling us.
  • I’ll Packa returned from Afghanistan and missed his, uh, hetero life mate, And I’ll Push Back so much that he went directly from the airport to the hash.
  • Just Scot whined that he was slow because he didn’t stretch before the hash.
  • Just Brendan and Just Kelly didn’t get their own names right in opening circle.  You’re supposed to get someone else’s name wrong, and later.
  • Assflac loved his trail from last week so much, he convinced this week’s hares to lay it backwards. 
  • Just Sam pooped on trail and blamed it on the dogs.
  • Just Erin was talking about how hashing always makes her hungry, even though there are lots of wankers who’d be willing to feed her their protein shakes.
  • Motormouth tried to do his best Hugh Hefner impersonation.  It didn’t work, because Hef is blacker than he is.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Eat Your Vegetables lost his flip-cup virginity and ended up puking all over the trailer.  The first time is always painful.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock went to pick up condoms to put in the Easter eggs, and was given two bottles of lube, because, “[he’ll] need it.”
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler went to a bar and picked up a Quaker.
  • Jingle Jizz out-rednecked Double-Ohhh Positive at the NASCAR races.
  • Chicken Fuckr tried to be as sexy as Rear Protein Injection, and failed.
  • Cum Dumpling still doesn’t know how to do chalk talk after months of being GM:  one of the virgins drew a true trail arrow.
  • Just Anna wore brand new drinking vessels.
  • Fruit of the Poon tried to get away with wearing a raceist shirt inside out, but she couldn’t fool Chicken Fucker.
  • Double-Ohhh Positive was smoking like a chimney while running circle, even though RPI and Chicken Fucker were there representing all the cancer survivors.
  • JAG Queen proposed.  Congrats on only sleeping with one person for the rest of your life!
  • The hares used an ice cream scoop to lay perfect circles of flour on trail… when they laid flour, that is.

Then it was time for the cops to show up and bust up our circle.  We dispersed pretty quickly and headed to the Big Hung (Yeah, I know it’s the Big Hunt, but that’s my favorite Freudian typo and I’m keeping it), where we all drank more beer and tried to get laid, or at least not arrested.

 

F–k the police,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #584 – Woodley Park/Zoo/Adams Morgan

HaresAssflac, Wank Like an Egyptian, I’m Lick James, Bitch!, Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’

Brew Crew:  Fucks Up, Doc?, Buttfuck Norris

Virgins:  Just Zach, Mike, Marishka, Lisa, Sean, Beth, Alex, Joshua, Jamie, Nate, Paul, Allison, Margaret, and too many more to keep track of

Visitor:  Hand Job (Guam H3), The Saint (Brooklyn H3)

Analversaries:  69 runs–Pittsburgh Kneeler; 300 runs–Put It Out

Ononon:  Millie & Al’s

 

The pack circled up at the entrance to Rock Creek Park, and off we went.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was expecting a long, rough slog.  Just look at who the hares are–all FRB’s, so of course they’re gonna take us on a death march.  It wasn’t as tough as I had feared, though there was a really steep downhill bit of shiggy where you basically had to hold onto a fence to climb down.  It was like horizontal rappelling, which I’ll have to try in some other context.  Trail may not have been a complete death march, but, rather, the hares set out to confuse us into exhaustion.  We got back to the start, but there was no beer van in sight.  We did see true trail arrows telling us to repeat going in the same direction, and checks marked as the second one at the same corner as the first.  Obviously the hares didn’t get the memo that the hash is not nearly smart enough to follow those directions and would likely end up repeating the first half of trail all over again.  Fortunately, most of the pack was able to read, and managed to reach the beer check at the Spanish steps in Dupont Circle.   

 

This trail was about 5.5 miles long.  At least 5 of those miles were in the first half:  the second “half” was a straight shot into the on-in, at least to anyone who’s ever hashed in Adams Morgan.  The actual trail?  Who knows, it probably went in a lot of circles first.

 

Violations:

  • Shetland Blow Me has a new hairstyle that can only be describes as a “mullethawk,” or perhaps a “mohullet.”  Both the punks and the rednecks from the 80s called, and they want their hair back.
  • Assflac tried to pass up the herpes he got from fisting PIO as poison ivy.  Nice try, kid.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails brought the biggest, butchest, most bearish virgin he could possibly find.  Just like every other Thursday.
  • Whisky Business missed trail because he was at his school’s talent show, teaching his students how to “express themselves.”  Those kids are all gonna turn out gayer than Christmas.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me said she didn’t want to get wet.  Unlike every other Thursday.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack also can’t find a way to take his race chip off his shoe.
  • Assflac brought the pack on one of his triathlon training runs without giving us bikes or floaties.
  • Tangled Up in Poo is giving up.  Whooooooores Closing! is settling.  Congrats, kids!
  • Slamda Slamda Slamda said she’d like to come once this spring. I’m sure there are lots of wankers who could help you with that.
  • The hares were dressed like Playboy Bunny rejects… and PIO always makes fun of the GW kids for wearing jorts. 
  • Cum Dumpling claims that not only is he prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker (true story), he’s also better than her at faking an orgasm.
  • Eats Street Meat and Chicken Phucker didn’t get enough on trail, so they ran off to have sex immediately after.
  • Poop Weiner’s back in town!  That’s ALWAYS acceptable hash behavior.
  • Rear Protein Injection is the worst PhD ever:  he admitted that he doesn’t know everything.
  • Wank Like An Egyptian called dibs on violating himself, even though it’s always better when someone else does it for you.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Chicken Fukr said his cargo pants were PI repellent, despite the fact that we all know PIO’s attracted to anything that reminds him of ‘Nam.
  • Blows a Tranny failed to live up to his name:  he saw an actual tranny on trail and didn’t blow her (him?). 
  • RU-469 pretended not to be a hare, that’s how shitty the trail was.
  • Just Liz complained about putting her hand in mud.  She would’ve complained more if she’d known it wasn’t mud.
  • Tits for Tots and RU-469 both went to Asia recently and came back looking strangely satiated.  How do you say “MSG” in Swedish, anyway?
  • Hungry Hungry Homo got some road head but didn’t come.  
  • That’s because Cocky didn’t follow through.
  • Assflac showed up at the hash looking like he got raped by the Under Armour Fairy.
  • Whisky Business needs Child Protective Services to take him away from PIO.
  • Hungry Hungry Homo, Jason Mraz called, he wants his hat back.
  • Wax On, Whacks Off was so lazy, he got virgins to carry his dog for him.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining about circle, saying, “Back when I was songmeister…”  Everyone get off his lawn!
  • Whisky Business said there was too much beer in the down-down cups.  Lightweight.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! enthusiastically dug into the ice after Assflac sat on it, because he didn’t get enough STDs on trail.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock has a problem with Pittsburgh Kneeler wearing lace underwear to the hash.  You’re doing it wrong. 

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Robin is from South Carolina and went to Savannah College of Art and Design.  She is now an oil painter and art teacher to 1st and 3rd graders.  When asked what her favorite sexual position is, she replied, “Depends,” AND her porn collection has a lot of golden showers involved.  Make of that what you will, folks.  Just Robin likes to watch porn with guys and then pee all over them, or maybe vice versa.  The meanest thing she’s ever done was to beat a guy up with a shoe when she was 12.  She lost her virginity when she was 16.  Just Robin used to play rugby for a team called The Shamrocks, and she’s now a rugby official.  She once passed out while having sex, and the guy finished all over her face.  She spits, shaves into a landing strip, and likes the cock.  Finally, Just Robin’s favorite Disney movie is The Jungle Book.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Urine Luck
  • Georgia O’Queefe
  • Out in Place On my Face
  • The Mask
  • Pay Less
  • Finger Taint
  • DSW:  Double Squirting Whiz

and

  • Baloo Me In The Face

Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Robin will be known as Baloo Me In The Face.

 

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  We finished the beer, headed to Millie & Al’s, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid, even though those last two things are often mutually exclusive.

 

Don’t Stop Believin’,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #583 – Get Lucky on St Patrick’s Day, Mt Vernon Square/Convention Center

HaresMy Little Pony, And I’ll Push Back, Leggs Over Easy, Sphincter Shy

Brew Crew:  Chicken Phucker, Homeland Insecurity

Virgins:  Just Heather, Drew, Chris, Sarah, John, Alexis, Dani, and a whole hell of a lot more

Visitor:  Just Mark (Honolulu H3), Just Leah (Kona Crab H3)

Analversaries:  17 runs–And I’ll Push Back, Forever Virgin, Trim Shady, If I Were a Stiff Man, Oops, I Blew Him AGain; 169 runs–CumSquat

Ononon:  Kelly’s Irish Times

 

Top o’the mornin’ to ye!  Erin go Bragh!  After drinking our asses off on St Patrick’s Day, the pack donned their finest green running clothes and met up outside the convention center, to do it all again, with a run thrown in too.  Much like most everyone’s day after St Patrick’s Day, I don’t remember all that much, because I was suffering from an epic case of jet lag, but here goes:  Trail was shaped like a shamrock and featured the best urban shiggy DC has to offer.  Before too long, we reached the first shot check and had shots of straight Jameson.  Tastes like burning!  We went around another leaf of the clover, passing an ice cream truck along the way.  Some folks lingered at the ice cream truck a bit longer than necessary, but for once, I wasn’t one of them.  After that, the pack reached the beer check on top of a parking deck.   

 

After having the hair of the dog, we took off again.  The second shot check was green jello shots, which, curiously, made me want to sing karaoke.  A few shots later, we got to the on-in, in the same parking deck where we had beer check.  We could’ve just stayed at beer check and kept drinking, but I guess the jello shots made the extra distance all worth it.

 

Violations:

  • 3-2-1 Fuck Off gave up on his vow of chastity and came back to EWH3.
  • Put It Out tried to relive his youth by playing beer pong at a party the weekend before.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler was wearing a t-shirt that said, “This is what a Feminist Looks Like,” despite the fact that she wouldn’t know a feminist if one sat on her face.
  • Whisky Business complained that his last bike ride tore out his asshole.  How the hell does he ride a bike?  Without a seat? 
  • Daffy Fuck brought a permission slip to come to the hash, signed by his wife.  Someone’s pussy-whipped!
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock went through puberty while conducting circle. 
  • Mile High Snub said she was hoping for Asian Mix tonight.  Now, I’ve had Asian Mix recently, and you really don’t want to go there.
  • Oops, I Blew Him Again tried to recruit guys to join her kickball team by promising blow jobs, but not from herself. 
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places was a little too excited about that ice cream truck.
  • Just Mike refused to take a jello shot on the grounds that it’s not vegetarian, even though a few nights beforehand, he had eaten chicken, which didn’t even contain any alcohol. 
  • The hares promised the walkers shots and didn’t deliver… teases.
  • Just Brian asked before the hash, “Was I supposed to shave my balls for this?”  Yes.  Yes, you were.  When in doubt, always manscape. 

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots complained about how Asian Mix made her sick.  Now, Swedish meatballs, on the other hand…. 
  • The hares laid a trail devoid of shiggy. 
  • A bunch of little girls saw I’m Lick James, Bitch! running by and started yelling, “Mayor Fenty! Mayor Fenty!” proving that even black people think they all look alike.
  • Whisky Business’s dad is disappointed that he turned out to be so gay, to which he responded, “I wasn’t always this way; that didn’t happen until college.”
  • Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow couldn’t find a urinal, so he peed on his tie.
  • I Manual Cunt is a media slut; he was one of a panel of “beer experts” in the Washington Post.
  • It’s Tony Panda’s birthday!  Happy birthday, fuck you.
  • Put It Out said, “OMG,” and “LOL” on trail:  Just because you text like a 12-year-old doesn’t mean you have to talk like one.
  • I Manual Cunt, the ’80s called and they want their Members’ Only jacket back.
  • Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner got a new job on the Hill, where his duties will no doubt involve hanging out under desks and doing things with cigars.
  • Tits for Tots tried to learn how to say “cougar” in Mandarin while she was on vacation, but learned to say it in Swedish instead. 

Then the cops came, and we were just about to pack up, but by the luck of the Irish, they went away, so we had time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Alex went to Johns Hopkins and does genetics research.  Yup, another one.  He loves the cock.  No, really:  his favorite farm animal is the rooster.  The meanest thing he’s ever done was to throw a cell phone at another guy’s balls.  He lost his virginity at the ripe old age of 22, to a 35-year-old cougar who was his best friend’s babysitter when they were kids.  Just Alex prefers missionary position, so he’s boring in bed.  He once got a blow job from a Swedish girl who used her teeth too much (I can assure you, Swedish guys don’t have such problems in bed), so he tried to teach her how to do it right.  That just begs the question, how does he know the proper technique for sucking cock?  Just Alex once had sex on a swingset in his apartment complex.  He also once dated a Brazilian girl who wouldn’t go down on him because it was against the morals of her village.  One night, though, she started to head in that direction, told him to roll over, and tossed his salad.  Interesting morals, that village has.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Salad Shooter
  • And then, she licked my ass
  • Parting the River Stinks
  • Tossed in Translation
  • Don’t Tell Mom, the Babysitter Gives Head
  • Adventures in Baby-shitting
  • Tongue in Cheek

and

  • Late in the Pink, Tongue in the Stink

It was a tough call, but in the end, we named Just Alex Late in the Pink, Tongue in the Stink.  Shocking, no?

 

We finished the beer, headed to the Times, drank a lot of Guiness (or cheap cans of Miller Lite, but why?), and tried to get laid.

 

Luck o’the Irish to you,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe