EWH3 #596: TourDuhHash Leg 7- “The Hash Set Me Up” Trail, Anacostia Metro

 

Hares: MotorMouth, JackOffLantern, Just Chris

 

Virgins: Just Neco, Warner, James, Megan, Jimmy, Brian, Angelo, Nick, Dan, Mali,

Christina, Ryan, Anna, Steven, Roger, Menelik, French Guys

 

Visitors:               Dial F for Faggot, who has been hashing around North Carolina

                            Anchor Spanker, from New Orleans H3

                            Marathon Meth Man from Kansas City

                            Snake Charmer from Bangkok

 

OnOnOn: The Player’s Lounge (Georgina’s)

 

 

For most hashers, getting on the Green Line has always meant only going so far south as the ballpark, when it’s Green Line Lite.  But Thursday was special- not only was it the 7th leg of the 2010 TourDuhHash, but we were also headed straight into Southeast DC.  Hashers in large groups (this time, safety was NOT third) poured out of the Anacostia Metro and headed towards the start.  Amidst calls of “What are you all doin’ here?” and license plates that read “BLING,” we circled up and Rear Protein Injection, one of our lovely GMs, handed out the TourDuhHash Jerseys (or, in one awkward case, tried to.  Darling, if you got ‘em, why not flaunt ‘em?).

 

The pack was off through the neighborhoods of historic Anacostia.  The trail wound down to an overgrown train track, or as one hasher on trail noted, “the place where they found the body in Stand By Me.”  We went through a couple of neighborhoods, got yelled at from a few corners, until the hares steered us into some shiggy.  Now, hashers who felt relieved by leaving the, um, urban shiggy for a more rural bit, were soon regretting it, because by shiggy these hares meant PI.  Oh and wasps…yes, for once it was fun night being an FRB, because those fast wankers’ screams of “Wasps!  Wasps!” warned the rest of the pack to find another route out of the thicket

 

Finally we emerged along a pool and a basketball court, along which Cum On Prancer had a water bottle thrown at his head.  Yea!  We reached the beer check, which had an amazing view of NoVA and DC.  We drank, and were off, headed back towards MLK BLVD.  We reached the end behind OnOnOn, and the pack continued to consume their beers. 

 

 

Violations

 

6 Pigs in a Blanket was overheard saying “No, I did not stick my thumb in there,” which of course begs the question, Why not?

 

Everyone Wearing Vibrams was violated for being put to shame by Bear, who ran the entire trail without any shoes, despite broken 40s and shiggy abound.  That’s right, if you want to “run like Paleolithic man,” then actually do it.

 

MotorMouth was violated for taking us all the way out to Anacostia, only for the pack to be attacked by W.A.S.P.’s.

 

The Hares apparently Google Map’d “PI” and then took us directly there.

 

Though the hash was already a bit out of place, the Hillbilly Hashers had to go and up the ante by wearing Confederate flag shirts on trail.  Guys, you lost!

 

Along the same line, Herpicles decided it was appropriate to carry a watermelon on trail pretending it was her baby.

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

The Frenchies were violated for touting their flag on trail after losing to Mexico the same day…ouch.

 

Hungry Hungry Homo spent a whole week riding, but his ass was sore. 

 

Fucks Up, Doc? apparently hurt some peoples’ feelings, because she was violated for being the meanest Jubilee.

 

Whiskey Business felt bold enough to scribe and pass out violations while wearing a race-ist shirt. 

 

Double Ohhh, Positive forced Little Red Ride-Me-Good to lie about her age just to get engaged.

 

 

And then, of course, it was time for a naming!

 

Just TrainWreck, ahem, I mean, Just Mary went to Loyola College, and now she “does web stuff.”  Hmm, off to a good start.  Her favorite Disney movie is The Little Mermaid.  She lost her V-card at age 18, and she claimed that her most embarrassing sexual moment was when her and whoever broke the bed and then someone walked in on them naked.  Right….

 

And then the fun stuff came out!  She had sex in a Levi Outlet dressing room, because she’s kinda easy, but also thrifty!  She turned two guys gay and one into a monk, been peed on before, and can pull guys out of a dorm room hall right quick!  Don’t worry though, because she is smart about this behavior: she has a safe word- Pineapple!

 

Names:            Acid Wash

                        Pineapple Express

                        Upside-Down Pineapple Cake

                        Kinda a Whore

                        Straight to Gay

                        Fruit Cocktail

                        Pee on Your Colada

 

 

After much deliberation (and giggling, mostly by this highly immature scribe), Just Mary was deemed Pee on Your Colada!

 

We drank, we sang, we ate fried chicken at Georgina’s.

 

Come this Week and WEAR YOUR JORTS!

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe

 

EWH3 #596: TourDuhHash Leg 7 – “The Hash Set Me Up” Trail – Thursday, June 17, 2010
 
Where: Anacostia Metro – Gaga-Green Line (yes, I’m obsessed with her, deal with it). Follow marks to the start or just look for the “lost” white people.
 
When: 6:45 PM, Thursday, June 17, 2010. Pack away at 7:15ish. 
 
Hares: MotorMouth, JackOffLantern, Just Chris
 
Misc: A-“Z” –
 
A note from your token nonblack guy: the OnOnOn is about 10 blocks from the start, and the neighborhood “changes at night.”  Please be safe and walk with a buddy (or 12).  BUT those who stay for the Circle and the OnOnOn bar are in for a TREAT!  Runners and walkers trail will be dog friendly.  Runner trail will NOT be stroller friendly at all.  Bring dry shoes, a canoe, repelling gear and a shank.
 
OnOnOn:
The Player’s Lounge (Georgina’s)
2737 Martin Luther King Junior Avenue Southeast
Washington, DC 20032-2608
(202) 574-1331
http://They_aint_got_no_website/
 
Specials:  Possible guest appearance by a local celebrity…along with an entourage of crack whores! Hooray.
 
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DC Area Upcumming Hash Events:
 
1) Red Dress Run Registration Open! Over 200 signed up so far, don’t be left out!
https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16490&cat=288&page=1
 
2) 14th annual Tubing in the Shenandoah (T.I.T.S.) Weekend
https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16491&cat=288&page=1
 
3) EWH3 Red Line PUBCRAWL – July 10th. SAVE THE DATE. Talk to Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me about shirts!!!
 
4) White House Hash Wild Wild West Camping and Tubbing  Trip
July 23-25, 2010, Bentonville, VA 
https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16502&cat=256
 
7) SAVE THE DATE – Beer Mile – August 13th
 
8)17th Annual Beerly Legal Virginia Interhash
August 20-22, 2010, Chesapeake, VA
Rego: $60
https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16501&cat=256&page=1
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EWH3 #594 – I-Did-A-Dawg, Capitol South

HaresCum Dumpling, CoXXX on Demand, Shamrock Your Cock, Silver Spooge, Saskatchewsnatch

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Return to Ender

Virgins:  Just Ed, Abby, Alex, Matt, Erica, and James

Visitors:  Anchor Spanker (New Orleans H3)

Ononon:  Remington’s

 

It’s that time of year again, time for the 5th(?) Anal I-Did-a-Dawg, in which wankers form teams, dress in costumes, and push one team member in a “sled” on trail.  Out of the 100ish wankers to show up to the pack, there were only 3 teams:  Wizard of Paws (the hares, and if you can’t guess what their theme is, you need more help than I can possibly give you), Slick ‘n’ Slide (a big chunk of mismanagement, dressed like the BP oil spill), and Arizona (complete with dudes in ponchos and one guy in Super Trooper shorts, but lacking a “sled”).  Unlike every other hash, there wasn’t an actual trail that was marked:  instead, the hares would tell the pack to go to a certain intersection, and everyone would run there and wait until the hares, slowed by their need to push a team member in a “sled,” caught up.  And wow, let me tell you, the hash is so much easier and more fun when, rather than running, you’re being pushed in a wheelchair that’s tilted back onto its rear wheels.  Whee!  Though I can’t help but wonder how many tourists and other muggles thought that I was an actual handicapped person, being cruelly tortured by my teammates.  After running to a few different corners around the Hill, the pack ended up in an alley for beer check, and miraculously, I could walk again! 

The second half ran the same way as the first, with the pack waiting for the hares to give directions to the next corner.  This time around, though, the hares had broken their “sled,” leaving only Team Slick ‘n’ Slide with a vehicle.  The team took me for a nice, short (too short) ride to end circle in Garfield Park, where I regained the ability to walk to the beer once again.

 

Violations:

  • Tony Panda wore brand new drinking vessels.
  • Silver Spooge, while holding the tornado that was attached to Team Wizard of Paws’ cart, said, “It’s sucking me!”  That’s the most action he’s gotten all year.
  • Motor Mouth and Put It Out tried and failed to pick up female kickball players–a difficult feat, since those girls are even easier than harriettes!
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made a gas chamber joke to Vienna Sausage.  Too soon!
  • Just Brian had phone sex on trail.  Wait, no, he was just looking up directions to the next stop.  And the directions he got were wrong. 
  • The hares, because this was the first trail where it was ok to just follow the pack.
  • Clappy Birthday is moving to the other Washington, to be with the girl who gave him the clap.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me said that I’m Lick James, Bitch! should join Team Slick ‘n’ Slide because, like the oil slick, he’s shiny and black. 

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Team Slick ‘n’ Slide dressed as the BP oil spill, even though there was a visitor from NOLA.  Too soon!
  • Tits for Tots got walked in on while changing–she was pantsless–and immediately fell down with her legs up in the air.
  • 6 Pigs in a Blanket was heard saying, “It’s usually filled with fags.”  We can only assume she was talking about her vagina.
  • Cum Dumpling busted out of his dress despite not actually having boobs.
  • PIO stole Moby’s, oops, I mean RPI’s, hat.
  • Choke ’em if you Got ’em and Me Chub You Long Time returned from Afghanistan.  Welcome back, boys!
  • John 3:69 likes them short and sweet.
  • Tits for Tots needed help squeezing poles.
  • PIO was wearing dog ears on trail, and the older you get, the more they sag.
  • A Salt My Ass was complaining about how he’s getting fat–he could always re-enlist in the Marines and then he’d get skinny like Choke ‘Em and Me Chub You Long Time.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! brought a bag so big that you could fit a small child inside it. 

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Tom is from Minnesota, so, naturally, he likes big women.  He attended St. Louis University, the mascot of which is the Millikin, which is some magical creature that looks like the love child of an elf and the Buddha, and majored in political science and international studies.  He now works for Head Start and as a barista and is vegetarian, so his belly is all from beer.  Just Tom lost his virginity when he ws 16, to a 17-year-old, in a seedy Wisconsin hotel.  He once called a girl by his ex-girlfriend’s name during sex.  Oops.  Just Tom can’t decide whether he prefers The Lion King or Aladdin, but he does like turkeys, cowgirl sex, and amateur porn (though he hasn’t made any–his roommate, SWAB, on the other hand…).  Just Tom is apparently romantic with dudes.  Bromantic? He likes to take a shot of Black Velvet for luck and then go crazy before giong out.  When he was little, Just Tom once called his grandfather a bitch.  Confused much?  Or is Assflac his grandfather?  Finally, Just Tom once took a girl home from the hash, but all he got was a hand job that was so bad, he ended up with injuries. 

Nominations that didn’t suck were:

  • Bromance
  • Keebler MILF
  • 16 Coming on 17
  • HandiClap
  • I Can’t Believe It’s Not Syphilis!
  • Von Clap Family
  • Compost Pile
  • E.L. Fudge
  • Red Line to Sore Cock


Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, fuck them!), Just Tom will be known as Compost Pile.  After a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid.

Screw running, I’d rather ride at all the hashes from now on,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe