EWH3 #577 – Union Station

HaresCock-a-Doodle-do-Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Fire in the Hole, Snatch to the Future

Brew Crew:  Incredible Edible Schmegg, Just Barney

Virgin:  Just Andrew, Emily and Rob

Visitors:  There was one but my fingers were too numb to write his name legibly.

Analversaries:  17 hashes–Six Fags, Cutting Class, Cock in Fresh Dough, Pinnochi-ho, Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner, I’m Lick James, Bitch!

Ononon:  Trusty’s

The pack met up in front of Union Station, confusing the tourists.  No one came out in circle as a hare representative, but luckily, Rear Protein Injection knew which way to send the pack.  Somehow it didn’t occur to the FRBS that the first check would take the pack through the parking structure attached to the station, even though we have a check going into that parking garage almost every trail we run that starts at Union Station.  Either way, we eventually wended our way through parked cars and buses, only to cross H Street at one of its busiest points and dodge moving cars and buses.  We all made it out safely, but it was not all downhill from there–it’s hard to follow a trail that’s laid in invisible flour!  Nonetheless, we managed to make it to beer check, in a parking lot somewhere.

On the second half of trail, we could actually see the flour, which was a huge improvement over the first half because it meant we could keep moving through the ball-shrinking, nipple-sharpening cold.  I think there was a playground in there somewhere, but beer and cold make my memory fuzzy.  Apparently, there was a water main break that made the hares have to re-route trail, but we all somehow got to the on-in, in a grassy area near Eastern Market, where we circled up.

Violations:

  • Just Melanie gave us this round of “What was she talking about?” when she said, “I’ll do both at once.”
  • Slumcock Anywhere almost didn’t come because it “was blowing too hard.”  Doesn’t that usually work the opposite way?
  • Just Barney said his balls were acting like tonsils, but he didn’t say whose tonsils.
  • Duck Job, as one of the original founders of EWH3, should know better than to wear a raceist shirt to the hash.
  • Buttfuck Norris proved he deserves his hash name by meeting and giving his phone number to a stripper–a male stripper.
  • Eat Your Vegetables complained that Spike TV’s Manswers insulted his intelligence and was in poor taste.  Given that he was watching Spike TV’s Manswers for advice on life, can he really talk about matters of intelligence and taste?
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! sank a 3-point shot into the garbage can at the on-in.  Wrong sport!!
  • Snatch to the Future was so ashamed of the trail that she denied being involved with it during opening circle.
  • The hares whined about the water main break that forced them to re-route trail.  I guess they didn’t want to get anyone wet.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Cocky sent all the flour to Haiti.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! and Buttfuck Norris were holding hands on trail, which not only is much cheesier than having sex on trail but also completes the “men being affectionate with I’m Lick James, Bitch!” trifecta that we’ve had going the last three times I’ve scribed.
  • St. Pauli Girl grew a beard because he wants to be just like Chicken Fucker.
  • Just Andrew and Just Rob had one complete outfit between them.
  • RPI harmonized during “Whip it out at the Ballgame,” because he wants to be just like Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock.
  • Can’t Find Pussy on a Haystack gave Roll Over, Bitch! his Caps tickets for Friday night on the condition that he not take A Salt My Ass on a date to the game.
  • R.O,B! gave Haystack reason to worry that he might take A Salt My Ass on a date.

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  Especially because we skipped naming someone because it was too damn cold to pour beer over anyone, unless we want to get our asses sued when they die of hypothermia or lose extremities due to frostbite.  The pack went to the Trusty’s, drank more beer, played Jenga, and tried to get laid.

I

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #575 – A Winter’s Tail Trail, Mt Vernon Square-Convention Center

HaresJedi Boob TriXXX, Clean Clam, Pinnochiho, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, Saskatchewsnatch

Brew Crew:  Incredible Edible Schmegg, Just Barney

Virgin:  Just:  Andrew, Jenny, Kara, Danielle

Visitors:  Hot Banana (Atlanta H3)

Analversaries:  69–Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Red Vag of Courage

Ononon:  Kelly’s Irish Times

 

Trail started off on a confusing note:  Despite putting out a trail news writeup cribbed from the works of William Shakespeare, the hares were dressed not like Shakespearean characters, but like bunnies.  As amusing as it may be to see “King Lear” done entirely in rodent, the one guy who dressed in costume was not amused.  In keeping with the bunny costumes, the hares seemed to confuse the hash with an Easter egg hunt–that’s about how hard the flour was to find during the first half of trail.  The pack circled through Chinatown from a few different directions, losing and finding trail again, until we got to a shot check that tasted like Goldschlager.  Or cinammon schnapps.  Or mouthwash.  After that, trail was short and sweet until we saw a “BN” marked on the ground, and then ran another 3/4 miles to get to the actual beer.  

With beer jackets on, the pack took off for the second half of trail.  It was pretty short, and involved going through a bunch of parking lots before getting to the on-in, on a parking deck.  We were all supposed to go over a fence that was only about thigh-high on the near side but then was about a 10-foot jump down to get to the beer at the finish, and most wankers did jump it, but a few of us wimpy, I mean, smart, hashers, found a way to run around the fence to get in.

 

Violations:

  • Fucks Up, Doc? can’t resist the creamy white stuff.  Take a number, boys.
  • Casanada brought his lack of game back to his homeland.  Not that homeland, the other homeland.
  • Eat Your Vegetables complained about how his ass was sore after his ski trip.  He should’ve brought lube.
  • Just Puck, I mean Six Fags, was the only person to fall for the theme.  It’d have been better if he’d put an ass’s head on top of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock and then enchanted Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me to fall in love with him or something.
  • Just Brennan, Stud Finder, and Just Jess were dressed as raceist triplets.  I’m pretty sure there’s a porn about that, but save it for after trail, ok? 
  • Little Red Ride Me Good promised to keep her mouth shut, because she’s good at it.  We all know that’s a lie.
  • Cum Dumpling is growing his hair out to donate to Locks of Love: The Merkin Collection.
  • S & M.O.M. was worried that people would forget his nerd name once he got a hash name, so he wore it on his shirt.
  • Twinkle paid $70 for a haircut and spa treatment, including oatmeal bath, for Jizzmo, which is more than he spends on his girlfriend.
  • Leggs Over Easy can’t stop tonguing the hole.  Oh, wait, that’s acceptable hash behavior.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails tried to warm his hands by sticking them down I’m Lick James, Bitch’s pants.  Given that I’m Lick James, Bitch! has been getting a lot of male attention at the hash these last couple weeks, I’m not sure which one of them to violate.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Cocky chooses her bitches for reasons having nothing to do with their skill level.
  • Chicken Phucker looked more like a penis than Rear Protein Injection for once.
  • RPI once got pity sex because he looks like a chemotherapy patient.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! never gets even pity sex.
  • Cocky thought the last guy she was with couldn’t get it up because he was undergoing chemo.
  • R.O,B! was practicing a double flip olly without a skateboard.
  • Brokeback Mama knows what a double flip olly is.
  • Buttfuck Norris kept blaming his explosive farts on his dog.
  • Cum of a Preacher’s Hand got engaged.  Why buy the cow when the sex is free?
  • Presidential Nasty complains about not having a girlfriend but then puts up Gchat status messages like, “Researching and writing about anal pus.”  And you wonder whey he’s single?
  • R.O,B!–last time someone got laid in cargo pants, it was in ‘Nam.
  • Twinkle taught Jizzmo to roll over and spread his legs.  And yet he claims he’s not trying to make his dog be a dude magnet.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING! 

Just Nikki, as we learned last time she was up for naming, is from Remington, Washington.  She went to George Mason to major in biology.  She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm.  She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias.  That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere.  She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip on a boat, with the boat engineer, got drunk, and told her professor about it.  Wild!  Just Nikki works at a sperm bank.  The first time she hashed, she threw up in her purse and then called an ex-boyfriend to give her a ride home.  Just Nikki dropped this prince of a guy to date I Manual Cunt.  Yeah, really.  The first time they had sex, it was on the floor of a friend’s living room after a night out at a gay club, which simultaneously confirms and refutes a lot of people’s suspicions about I Manual Cunt.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Count Fuckula
  • Twatson and Prick
  • A 3-Hour Whore
  • *spitting noise* (I don’t know how to spell it)
  • Zygote in my Boat

and

  • Survival of the Spittest

 

We’re all nerds, so henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing, except Great Falls (fuck them!), Just Nikki shall be known as Survival of the Spittest.

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  The pack finished the beer in Plan B, went to the Times, drank Guinness, listened to the musical stylings of Pete Papageorge, who was playing there back when I was first in DC a long long time ago, and tried to get laid.

 

Give us your hands, if we be friends, and Robin shall restore amends,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #573 – New Year’s Eve Anti-Resolution Hash, Clarendon

Hares:  Chip ‘n’ Fails, Muff the Magic Dragon, St. Pauli Girl, Big Dig, Eat Your Vegetables

Brew Crew:  Snap Crackle Poop, Incredible Edible Schmegg

Virgin:  Just Tony

Visitors:  Wreath Around, Blue Balls Pedophile (Crystal Coast, NC, H3), Fair Game, Gutter Balls.
Ononon:  Hard Times

Happy New Year!  Everyone bust out your party hats…. and put something shiny on your head.  The pack met up right outside the Clarendon Metro, and tried to stay dry in the chilly rain.  Not wanting to get all kinds of sweaty that early in the evening, I opted to walk.  Walkers’ trail would have been short, except Veggies apparently didn’t know how to read a map.  As it was, we ended up following part of the runners’ trail and got to first a shot check, with shots of hot spiked cider (yummmm) the relocated beer check (the cops were sitting and waiting for us at the original planned beer check location, in the parking garage over 395) in a parking lot in Ballston after the runners had already left.  

 

After quickly downing a beer, we left for the long walk back to end circle at Chip ‘N’ Fails’ house, on the other side of the Clarendon Metro.  Oh, who am I kidding?  I autohashed; I had work to do before end circle started.  Note to self, when in doubt, RUN.

Violations:

  • Silver Spooge inadvertentyrevealed a deep secret about himself when he said something about “my dad and her sister.”  Spoogey has two mommies!!  
  • The hares, because they had to continue in the tradition of laying a horribly long trail around New Year’s.
  • Please Step Away from the Whores couldn’t get anyone to follow him even with the promise of beer.
  • Herpicles broke a parking garage barrier trying to hump it.
  • Cum Dumpling wanted everyone to check out his tender rectum.  Ehh, I think I’ll pass. 
  • Fair Game went running on Christmas Day.  Not hashing, just running.  That makes the Baby Jesus cry.  
  • Coin Operated said she needs a stick up the middle.  I’m sure there are lots of harriers who’d be willing to help with that.
  • Snatch to the Future complained about how wet she was, showing that her priorities are clearly out of whack.
  • Pinocchi-ho contracted an STD in his earlobe, which bled all over his face.
  • Tony Panda suggested that Pinocchi-ho go see “Twilight” and pick up some 10-year-olds by showing them his bloody ear wound.
  • Just David lost his virgin but not his virginity.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails didn’t take advantage of Just David’s lost virgin.
  • Bobbin’ for Butt Plugs said that he’s not nearly as picky as Chip ‘N’ Fails.  He then went on to say something about how it’s not gay if you’re on top, even if htey push back.  I don’t know, I’m still wrapping my mind around someone calling Chip ‘N’ Fails picky.  
  • Herpicles said that everyone looks the same in the dark, proving that he is even less picky than Bobbin’ For Butt Plugs.  Well, he did try to shag a parking garage barrier.
  • Private Snowball exhibited chivalry on trail.  That’s unacceptable hash behavior.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock called his hat a helmet, because he was getting nostalgic for his old days of riding the short bus.
  • Fuxedo somehow got Shamrock Your Cock’s tongue stuck to his face.
  • Just Tony missed his turn and tried to make an announcement during violations.  Virgins should be seen and not heard.
  • Tits for Tots is technologically challenged.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!  Actually, it being New Year’s Eve, I suppose that made it special.

Just David is a government contractor who works with Chip ‘N’ Fails  and dates Muff the Magic Dragon.  She says he’s very good at eating pussy.  Just David attended Nebraska State University; I think the mascot is the Cornholer.  His favorite Disney movie is Fantasia.  What’s he smoking, and can I have some?  When he was 17, he was getting a blow job in a parking garage around Christmas time, and a family with kids was parked in the adjacent car.  The parents got out of their car, knocked on Just David’s window, and asked them to stop. He once took a girlfriend on a ski trip, and even though she contracted high-altitude pulmonary edema, he left her to go skiing.  Just David also plays soccer, and his skills on the pitch are such that his teammates nicknamed him “Pixie.”

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Donald Suck
  • Fan-Taste-Ya
  • Girl, Interrupted
  • Feliz Nobby Job
  • Walt Jizz-me

and

  • Pixie Dicks

In the spirit of the holiday season, the pack decided to call Just David Feliz Nobby Job.  He even gets his own song now:

Feliz Nobby Job!

Feliz Nobby Job!

Feliz Nobby Job!

Feliz Nobby Job!

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas, from the bottom of my balls! 

 

After that, some of the the pack went to the bar, some went to New Year’s Eve parties, and all drank more, welcomed the new year, kissed a bunch of people at midnight, and tried to get laid.

Happy 2010,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe