EWH3 #589 – Urban Cowboy Trail, Minnesota Avenue

HaresGaystation, Red Vag of Courage, Six Pigs in a Blanket, Six Fags, Axl Blows

Brew Crew:  JAG Queen, Saskatchewsnatch

Virgins:  Just Alice, Clare, Marissa, Michael, Miranda, Sid, Natalie, Alex

Visitors:  Chicken Pot Guy (New Orleans H3), Eat My Twat (Sir Walter Raleigh H3–transplant)

Analversaries:  100 runs–Double-Ohh Positive

Ononon:  Remingtons

 

The pack circled up in a field in the middle of the ghetto.  The runners’ hares had given Axl Blows a speech to read, but since EWH3 has no attention span whatsoever, he ended up getting a “shots fired” in opening circle.  Real smart idea for this neighborhood, kids.  After that, we were off.  Trail went on and on and on, and we eventually ended up in Anacostia Park.  There was a turkey-eagle split right before the river.  The turkeys crossed the river over an old, wooden bridge and then climbed around a fence to end up near RKF Stadium.  While crossing the river, we saw a beaver–no, not that kind of beaver, get your minds out of the gutter, folks!–an actual beaver, swimming in the river.  The eagles had to ford their way across the river and probably caught all kinds of diseases.  Use condoms, kids!  After that, the pack came back together, ran past the Stadium and through some neighborhoods until we came to the shot check, Sparks in the swanky back yard of a really nice house.  There were two guys and a couple of little kids hanging out in the back, and when someone asked, we found out that that’s where Six Fags lives.  That explains so much about his name!  Once we had some much-needed energy and booze, we ran a few more blocks to a beer check in an alley. 

That was already about 4.5 miles, kids!  There was a second half for runners, including another beer check, and from what I heard, it was short.  But after a surprise ball-buster the week before and a r*ce the previous Sunday, I was a lazy scribe and decided to walk the second half.  We ended up in Garfield Park, where we were visited by a “stripper” on a motorcycle, who, fortunately, told us not to make him come back here again, and rode off into the sunset, leaving us to drink more beer.

 

Violations:

  • Axl Blows–we didn’t know Kid Rock was coming to the hash!
  • Keyless Entry fell and hurt herself, so now instead of being a cuddle muffin, she’s a crumb cake.
  • Six Fags came out on Facebook today:  either we’re all really proud of him, or, after last week’s very special violation, he really should have learned to never leave his cell phone unattended around his friends.
  • Chip ‘n’ Fails was confused:  from the waist up, he was ready for the hash, but from the waist down, he was going scuba diving.
  • Just Melody is pregnant, which means she is allowing Axl Blows to reproduce.  He had to drink for 3. 
  • Cum Dumpling tried to run opening circle in the middle of the street, even though Wookin Pa Nub just got busted for that.
  • The hares, because bitches set Axl Blows up!
  • 6 Pigs in a Blanket said, “it’ll be too tight in there, but you can try.”  That’s not what we’ve heard. 
  • Just Jade was carrying a fuel belt water bottle because her mouth gets dry.  Dude, the guys at the hash won’t care, as long as other parts of you are wet.
  • The hares loaded all the liquid in the rear.
  • Just Kathy doubled over when she heard someone say, “look, a beaver!”  Um, they weren’t looking at you.
  • Six Fags left his virgin stranded.  You don’t want to do that, they have so much to learn!
  • Vienna Sausage won the award for desperate pickup line of the week by telling a harriette, “I’m a secretion agent.”
  • Just Anne made a purse into a denim vest to go along with the theme tonight.  You made it work, but it’s the hash, not Project Runway.
  • Bitch on bitch on Bitch and Just Anne couldn’t open their throats enough to shotgun a beer, and refused to let Put it Out teach them how.
  • I’ll Packa and General’s Farm Animal whipped out their flasks to compare sizes.  I’ll Packa’s was bigger. 
  • And finally, Mile High Snub was heard saying, “That was refreshing and disgusting at the same time.”  We’re not sure if she was referring to the Anacostia River, or to Under the Semen’s lovemaking the night before.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Just Jamie dressed like Debbie Does Dallas.
  • Tits for Tots dressed according to theme in circle, even though no one else did.
  • Whisky Business ran by the school he teaches at and didn’t get propositioned by any 12-year-olds.
  • Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’  was on all fours and was still taller than Six Fags.
  • Chip ‘n’ Fails really, really wanted to scribe, so he could have another excuse to creepily pick up dudes.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! was disappointed that no one confused him with Mayor Fenty this week.  He also didn’t understand what the neighborhood kids were saying.  “Excuse me, stewardess, he doesn’t speak jive.”
  • Whisky Business was heard yelling, “Prick check!” on trail.  I know it’s small, but do you really need to tell us all when you’re making sure it’s still there?
  • Put it Out, unlike Chip ‘n’ Fails, ran by four schools without trying to creepily pick up anyone. 
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me told everyone to bring extra towels, because it’s gonna be a mess.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Anne went to Bryn Mawr, a women’s college, where she majored in cunning linguistics.  While she was there, she got harassed by lesbians, lost her virginity (yes, to a man) just before graduation, had sex behind the admissions building, kissed her ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend, had a threesome that she doesn’t remember, and danced around a May Pole, which may or may not be a euphemism.  Just Anne is into older men and S&M, she likes to be tied up and bent over things.  She was once strung up in a doorway with telephone wire.  She studied in Jordan for a while, and smuggled goods back into the US.  Just Anne doesn’t get embarrassed by anything, but she did walk in on her brother once, which was kind of awkward.  She is now a teacher, and all her students know she’s a breeder.  Just Anne also peed behind a dumpster after her first hash, but we all know that’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior.  Finally, when Just Anne hooked up with a wanker who will not be named, she was so loud that afterwards, the wanker’s condo association made a rule against extremely loud sex in the building. 

Nominations that didn’t suck were:

  • Tongue Tied Up
  • Denial Tone
  • Cunning Linguist
  • Wireless Family Plan
  • Reach Out And Fuck Someone
  • Safe Word
  • Dumpster Diving
  • Shoulda Cum Louder


The crowd really liked the S&M angle, so Just Anne was named Safe Word.  Then, we all went to the bar, sang karaoke (and what the hell kind of gay karaoke bar has no Lady Gaga?  It’d be acceptable at a straight bar, but Remington’s is far from straight), and tried to get laid.

Besos,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Where: Van Ness – UDC – Linea roja. Follow marks to the start and looks for the group of guys who looks like child molestors and the chicks who might possibly have dicks.
 
When: 6:45 PM, Thursday, May 6, 2010. Pack away at 7:15ish. 
 
Hares: Hungry Hungry Homo, T!ts for Tots, Konichi [email protected], Just Lauren, y possible Mystery Hare
 
Misc: A-B…Tough dog friendly…”small dogs may drown.” Headlamps and a change of dry shoes are suggested. Possible/probable PI. Grow a mustache. Wear a fake mustache. Draw on a mustache. Who cares…but downing ta-kill-ya is so much classier with a fuzzy worm on your upper lip. 
 
OnOnOn:

Guapos
4515 Wicsonsin Ave. N.W.
Washington, DC
 
Specials: $5 margaritas, vino, y cervezas. And possible food specials.

EWH3 #588- The Forest Glen Trail

 

Hares: PutItOut, BrokeBackMama, CoXXXonDemand, Just Joe, and Just Anne

 

Virgins: Lost that sheet in ensuing debauchery, but I do recall a virgin who stated that she was “extremely single.”  Probably better to have not lost her name…

 

Visitors: See above.

 

Ononon: Quarry House Tavern

 

 

 

Due to poor planning and the awesome traffic in the DMV, I showed up with Wax On, Whacks Off at a more depressing than usual Forest Glen Metro stop, as a great big group of wankers had already hit the trail.  Though not there, I can imagine it was something like this – PutItOut double and triple checking the trail map despite the fact that he has hared this same trail multiple times (the memory may be going…), hashers commenting on their epic treks out there (the start was 200 meters outside of the beltway), virgins looking around nervously for the Washington monument or any other sign that they weren’t about to get led into the woods for the world’s largest recreation of a certain scene from Deliverance.  You know, the one with the banjoes…perverts.

 

Relying on WoWo’s excellent ability to shortcut, we wound up at the first beer check before the runners.  There were cans of beer and champagne lying around, with a few 4loko mixed in.  This may have been the first time 4loko was in Maryland, but hopefully not the last.  It’s a movement and it’s spreading.  The second leg took us through some fun, quick trail running, where it was great to have a headlamp.  Read: When PIO says bring a headlamp, BRING A HEADLAMP.  The second beer check was held along some abandoned railroad lines (I assume they were abandoned, but maybe all of MD looks like that when you’re that far out).  After more trail running, blowing past some confused diners out for a nice meal, knocking over civilians (We’ll get to that later), and going up wrong parking garages, we ended in an alley off Georgia Avenue in Silver Spring.  They didn’t say A-Z for nothing, kids.

 

We drank, sang songs, and tried our best to say offensive things without offending people:

Violations

 

Just Mary , who came to the hash sporting dreads and multiple piercings, has obviously made a lot of poor decisions in her life, except for sleeping with Mannipple Lickter.  In due time.

 

The Hares only brought 2 cans of 4loko.  Didn’t they know that when you go to 7-11 you always have to buy a whole case?

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock decided that complaining about dry and itchy skin to a girl was a good way to get her attention- and give her a heads up that he has Chlamydia.

 

Sphincter Shy sent an email to his workers from his hash account.  Just because it is sphincter.shy does not make professional.

 

Cutting Class was so sweaty (How sweaty was he?) that he was the sweatiest Columbian outside of a customs line.

 

PutItOut informed this scribe that he had been “Oreo-d,” you know, when someone throws an Oreo in your beer and you have to chug it and eat the Oreo.  But there was no Oreo at the bottom.  Blasphemy. 

 

Clappy Birthday showed up to the hash dressed like a reject from a Mad Max Movie.

 

Hungry Hungry Homo complained that he cannot fit a whole Whopper into his hand.  If he struggles with that much meat, then how does he get through his many lonely nights?

 

Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho was overheard saying that he was afraid of dark holes- well no shit, how else do you explain the V-card??

 

Just Ian was worried that we were violating personal property on trail.  Obviously this concern shows that he has never been laid.

 

C.L.I.T. was worried that the trail was going to ruin her pedicure.  Little did she know that some guys were lined up to ruin her bikini wax.

 

I Manual Cunt was congratulated on being back at the hash.  Now he can annoy us in person as much as he does on Digby’s!

 

Just Amy fell into the sewer water, so this was a heads-up to any guy lucky (?) enough to take her home- MAKE SURE SHE SHOWERS.

 

Wank Like an Egyptian had the night’s most desperate game when he logically concluded that since taxis pick up women, he should just stand in the taxi line to pick up women.

 

Gaystation wanted to win all three legs so badly that he knocked over a poor old woman trying to get up some stairs.

 

Just Rebecca bit Vienna Sausage’s hand a couple of hashes ago.  She should know that when we say sausage, we’re not referring to his fingers.

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Come on, you guys remember what happened, don’t you?  Two rounds of violaters being brought in the circle because of crickets?  Shape up!  Though Manniple Lichter was appropriately violated for knocking over all of the orange food and Oreos.

 

And then it was time for that thing we call a NAMING!

 

Just Mike went to American University.  He was 20 when he lost his virginity (yikes!).  His favorite Disney character to masturbate to is the one from the mermaid movie.  You know, the Little Mermaid.  His most embarrassing sexual moment was when he was drunk and having sex with his girlfriend, Mile High Snub.  Wait, there’s more. 

 

When he was done he want to go take his condom off (their condom?) but could not find it.  Using his power skills of deduction, he decided to look in the only place imaginable- her vagina.  This was really our focus on the naming, and some possible names were:

 

Power Bottom

Small Wonder

Splash!

Little Mermade Me Cum

Under the Semen

 

After much deliberation and voting, it was decided that Just Mike now be referred to as Under the Semen!

 

The hash finished up beer and went on for more beer over at the QHT in the form of PBR tall boys.  Oh, and about those tater tots….

 

 

Yours truly,

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe