EWH3 #604Franconia/Springfield Metro Trail

Hares: Double Ohh Positive, Eat Your Vegetables, Purple Peter Eater, and Please Step Away from the Whores

Virgins: Just Walt, Josh, Sarah, Ariel

Visitors: Saigon Sally (Jolly Roger H3)

OnOnOn: Lucky’s Sports Theater & Grill

 

Sources tell me that it was set to be a beautiful, clear and dry evening last Thursday.  Then Double Ohh Positive and Eat Your Vegetables were cleared to hare, and the weather turned to shit- rainy, rainy shit- which is weird, because usually those two have a lot of difficulty getting things wet.  Ba-dum, ching!

The pack met up in the parking garage outside of the metro.  Despite the weather and being all the way out in Bumblefcuk, VA we had a relatively good showing, proving that at the core, EWH3 does have more than fair-weather, summer/intern-loving hashers.  After waiting around for any stragglers, the pack was off, hares in tow, to follow a mostly washed-away trail.  Don’t worry, we really didn’t want to see any hash marks- it’s more fun to run around clueless…

I’d tell you how the beer check went, but I was lost on trail with Wax On Whacks Off and Just Josh while you wankers were drinking nice beer.  Sorry Just Josh, a virgin should know better than to follow/trust the likes of us.  I’d tell you how the shot check was, but apparently that was just for the walkers.  Side-note, if you’d like to set up a trail to punish the runners (and why would you ever want to do that?  We’re super duper nice and fun!), lay it creatively and well.  It’s all good, though- I still love you guys!

 

 

Violations

The Hares were brought into a circle for a “choose-your-own-violation.”  Or, I was feeling lazy and thought I’d give the pack a chance to heckle them.

Cum on Prancer couldn’t remember the girl that he picked up on Saturday night, but could remember the inappropriate place her finger went,

 

Wax On Whacks Off is obviously passing on his traits to his dog, as it was licking another’s ass all circle. 

 

Just Josh was caught mucking up his new shoes before the run.  How’d that mud taste mixed with beer, buddy?

 

Have Fun Storming the Asshole showed up in costume as the Asian Princess Leia.

 

Cutting Class kept offering me an Oreo by saying, “Come on, unlock the magic.”  Well, now we know his rape line.

 

Table Dancing Queen was the only one who’s OnOn shorts were shorter than his running shorts.

 

Just Melissa, who was brought by Swing Cycle, was overheard saying, “We did get hot after a while,” which is interesting if you know the story behind Swing Cycle’s naming.  Fellas, if you don’t- ask her to tell you, or better yet, show you.

 

Gaystation said that he did not feel like violating Just Kristen that night, so I decided to be the nice guy and come in to take up his slack.

 

Rear Protein Injection was so mad about having to help bring in lost hashers that the vein popped out on his forehead- only for him, that vein extends all the way back his head.

 

Just Eliza enjoys and even prefers being called a cunt.  So, you know, easy dirty-talk.

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Little Red Ride Me Good was violated for opting not to hare that night- I’d say this was more something to be proud of.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was violated for (and here I cannot read my handwriting and don’t remember what my drunk ass was thinking so I’m just going to type what I have) boner dog fight.

 

Assault My Ass apparently thought he was getting laid (once again, chicken scratch).

 

Just Ariel had the same name and hair color as the Little Mermaid, as well as the fishy smell down there.

 

And then, of course, it was time for a very special occasion…a NAMING!

 

Just Eliza is from Rockport, Massachusetts.  She goes to THE George Washington University, where she is majoring in Middle Eastern studies (good luck with that one).  She could not decide on only one favorite farm animal, so she went for an Old McDonald Threesome- the horse and donkey.  The meanest thing she ever did was (sorta) try to rape someone.  She once hooked-up with her neighbor, then high-fived him post sex.  Oh, and she goes through the GW crew team like herpes at the WH4 camping trip.

 

Names That Didn’t Suck:

 

Neighborhood 5 and Dime

Cockport

Do the Crew

Cox-In

Crew Haul

A Perfect Splooge

Blow Blow Blow Your Boat

Gordon’s Fish Dicks

Crew’d Oil

 

After much solemn deliberation, it was decided that Just Eliza would henceforth and forever more be known as Blow Blow Blow Your Boat!

 

We drank, sang, and went to a sports bar.

 

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #601:  National Underwear Day Trail, Dupont Circle

 

Hares:  Rambutt, Sphincter Shy, Motormouth, CumDumpling, Safe Word, and Please Step Away from the Whores


Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Cutting Class

 

Virgins:  Just James, Sam, Eric, Leah, Lindsay, Eileen

 

Visitors:  D Home (Middle Georgia H3), Hashus Interruptus (Gulf Coast H3), Hair of the Dog (Islamabad H3)


Analversaries:  169–Rear Protein Injection

                            

OnOnOn:  Jenny’s

 

In honor of National Underwear Day, the pack stripped down and circled up in Dupont Circle.  And then we waited.  And waited.  And waited for Rambutt, who was stuck in traffic, to arrive.  Because, hey, standing around in one’s underwear in one of the gayest neighborhoods in DC isn’t awkward for the guys here at all.  Fortunately, Cum Dumpling had a map, and took over laying trail.  Finally, we got things going for real, and took off through downtown until we got to the White House.  Not the Capitol, PSA.  Just sayin’.  Past the White House, we hit the Mall, because there’s nothing like scaring off tourons with flagrant near-nudity en masse.  Oh, wait.  Except for running in red dresses en masse.  From there, we ran through a lot of wet grass to the pond at the Declaration of Independence Memorial (or Constitution Gardens–I’ve seen both names for that little pond between the reflecting pool and the Vietnam Veterans Memorial), skirted a wide arc around the Lincoln Memorial, and finally hit the beer check, by the volleyball courts on the Potomac. 

After downing some tasty, refreshing beer, we were off again.  The pack headed back to the Mall, but on the south side, ran around part of the Tidal Basin, and through the FDR Memorial, where we happened upon a whole bunch of Boy Scout troops.  I should’ve flashed them, but I’m pretty sure they were more into Twinkle Dick anyway.  Trail ended under the 14th Street Bridge, in an area that was redolent of fish.  Too bad the beer doesn’t kill my sense of smell. 

 

Violations

 

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock was sporting a sunburn to match his bright red banana hammock.

 

Just Eliza wasn’t just wearing new shoes–she was wearing new Vibrams.  Drink up!

 

Just The Flash was advertising how fast his cock was.  There are times it’s better not to be a speed demon, yo.

 

Just Christopher wore a diaper–I thought I’d never have to suffer that sight again ever since Hair Cuntery quit hashing.

 

PSA didn’t know the White House from the Capitol, even though he’s lived in the DC area all his life.  FAIL.

 

Just Ryan double bagged his junk but still had an accident on trail. 


Don’t Ask, Don’t Smell has trouble with the first part of his name:  Looking all confused, he asked, “Where are we?”  He was standing right under the Washington Monument at the time.


Red Vag of Courage wants a penis so badly, she was jacking off the piece of chalk she was holding.


Just Chris and  Just The Flash were “stretching each other out” at beer check.  So that’s what the kids are calling it these days!


Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me misses Eats Street Meat so much, she emulated him by showing up really late and running trail with her bag.


Just Itamar got confused about the theme; instead of running trail in his underwear, he showed up wearing a fur coat.


Six Fags got tired of gay sex, so he moved on to pedophilia.


For once, I’ll Packa  and And I’ll Push Back weren’t wearing matching outfits.


Just Eliza tried to jump on Whiskey Business in the bathroom at the on-on-on last week, because “rape is one of [her] favorite activities.”  Whiskey Business had to drink too, for spurning her advances.


Ass Ogre and everyone else sitting in chairs had to drink because, while they may be old men, despite Put It Out’s near-perfect attendance, EWH3 is NOT an old man hash. 


Violations from the Crowd

 

Surprise!  We all found out that Twinkle Dick is apparently Jewish.

 

Just Rich fought a bush, and the bush won

 

Whiskey Business showed up to a jorts party wearing khakis, and it made him cry.


Wait, no, it wasn’t a jorts party–PIO just happened to wear jorts and a purple polo shirt to a birthday party.


The hares drew one true trail giving a reach-around to another.  That’s not gay, it’s just courteous!

 

When the Boy Scouts saw Twinkle Dick running by, they scoffed, “That’s not even a speedo!”


Six Pigs in a Blanket had a smiley face on her ass, but it should’ve been sideways.


Sphincter Shy was slowing circle down by hitting on the beer bitch, but we’ll allow it, because it’s the one day a year when he actually has game.


Everyone wearing EWH3 69-run boxers did a down-down too. 


And then, of course, it was time for a naming!

 

Just Ben got a couple degrees from Duke (Go to hell, Carolina, go to hell!) and UCLA and now does oceanography research for the NavyWhen his girlfriend was studying abroad, he bought her a vibrator, and they had a lot of phone sex.  One night when his roommate was in, he went to the computer room to talk dirty, and someone came in to print something while he was getting off.  Just Ben likes goats, pigs, and Aladdin, and playing music–he plays piano, trumpet, and trombone.  He lost his virginity at age 20, to the same girlfriend he later had phone sex with while she was in Italy.  Just Ben once threw a guy out of a car, into a puddle of his own puke.  He also once got really drunk on Jagermeister, yelled, “I’m Kind of the World!” all Titanic style, and then puked in a trash can and out the window of his building.  Finally, Just Ben likes fat bottom girls, and once made out with one of them in the back seat of a car for 11 hours straight.  I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you, that he didn’t suffocate! 

 

Names:        I Want My Stapler

                         Toner Boner

                         Dial 9-1-Cum

                         I’m King of the Hurled!

                         Banana Phone

                         Rejection Seat

                         HP Skankjet

 

 

Henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Ben shall be known as Toner Boner.


Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  We all went to the bar, drank more booze, and tried to get laid.

 

Under where?

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #604: Franconia/Springfield Metro Trail – Thursday, August 12, 2010
 
Where: Franconia/Springfield Metro — the verrrrry end of the Blue Line. Follow chalk marks from the metro exit to the start and look for people wondering how much a cab back to the city will cost.
 
When: 6:45 PM, Thursday, August 12, 2010. Pack away at 7:15ish. 
 
Hares: Double Ohhh Positive, Eat Your Vegetables, Purple Peter Eater and a Mystery Hare.
 
Misc: A-A’. Tough I-eat-sh*t-for- breakfast-dog friendly. A message from your alpha hare: Runners and walkers need to bring dry cloths and shoes..and extra if it decides to rain, again.  Head lamps, Head Lamps, Head lamps.  PI, yes there is PI I am sure there is more than we saw and I know people don’t stay on trail. TechNu and all other PI fighting products are highly advised.  No flip flops or sandals on this trail.  Lots of shiggy.

OnOnOn:
Lucky’s Sports Theatre & Grill
7027 B Manchester Blvd
Franconia, VA 22310
(P) 703-922-0404
 
Specials: Booooo VA not letting us have booze specials. Grill closes at 10:00 pm but late night menu goes until 1:00 am.