EWH3 #570: 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash – Thursday, December, 17, 2009

 

Start: Pentagon City!

 

Hares: CoXXX on Demand, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, PoPo Disco, Put It Out & Mystery Hare

 

Virginis: Just Sarah (who is NOT single), Just JP, and Just Erin

 

OnOnOn: Tortise & Hare (though most of us know that’s code-name for Freddie’s)

 

If you were a small child at Pentagon Row on Thursday evening, you were treated to far more Christmas thrills than mere ice-skating.  What’s that around the corner?  Could that be one of Santa’s elves?  My is he old!  And, look, a reindeer!  OMFG it’s Santa!  But then some other, naughtier types showed- scantily clad, saying things you only heard when you walked in on Mommy and Daddy “wrestling”- and then the booze came out, and then your parents were rushing you to the car…

Yes, it was the 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash, and my was it festive!  The pack gathered at the Pentagon Row to sign in, drink spiked hot chocolate, and rummage through a variety of Santa hats.  Because Put It Out was a hare, the trail of course ran in circles throughout the South Arlington area- up parking and down parking garages, through shops, past confused and amused people.  Because it was EWH3 and anything but a perfectly straight trail, we got lost multiple times.  What fun!

 

There was a hot cider shot check atop one parking garage, and a beer check in a lot by Costco.  There was also a scribe at both checks, so come on people, speak up!  From the check the trail looped down to the Crystal City Shops- a barren wasteland of consumer products- seriously, one of the saddest malls I’ve seen, and I was recently at Landmark.  We meandered through the underground (heh) and then dashed up 23rd, past the OnOnOn to a parking lot for the end circle.

 

Violations:

 

Put It Out was able to reconcile his Peter Pan fetish with the Christmas theme by way of his green tights.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock instructed a lady looking for a pink Santa hat to go see the horny guy- very helpful description- it’s EHW3 that’s like directing her to go find the white guy.

 

Big Bendover gave us this night’s round of “What Was He Talking About?” Overheard snippet of conversation “…it’s always better after a douche…”

 

Mayonnaise on the Pooper expressed how she is unemployed, having to plan someone else’s wedding, and looking to get drunk- HINT guys, this one’s desperate!

 

Cum Dumpling just had to go and give the runners a few minutes warning before sending them off from the beer check…

 

Just Andy enjoyed all the “ins & outs” of the trail- of course he was referring to the tunnels, because we all know he wasn’t getting any.

 

Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me, Mayonnaise on the Pooper, and Underground Railroad are so old (how old are they?!) that they were getting nostalgic about the GRE.

 

Pee Wee’s Little Adventure and Big Dig received that night’s inappropriate Christmas-themed pick-up line: Big Dig asked and Santa-suited Pee Wee if she could be Santa, to which he replied, “No, but Santa can be inside of you.”  Class, class, class.

 

Oops, I Blew Him Again has sworn off driving since every time she gets behind the wheel a naked penis winds up erect in her car.

 

Roll Over, Bitch! Was dying to change his pink Santa hat to a red one because it “matched his sweater better,” confirming his preoccupation with color coordination over getting laid (or possibly preparing for Freddie’s?)

 

ChippenFails was overheard saying “Oh man, assholes.  There’s nothing better than smelly assholes!” on trail- enough said.

 

Violations from the Crowd: happened, but this scribe’s hearing was impaired by alcohol.

 

And then there was a naming!  Or wait, an attempted naming!  Seriously, I am three for three with failed namings, from cops to throw backs.  So what happened this week?  Well, Just Nikki is from Remington, Washington.  She went to George Mason to major in biology.  She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm.  She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias.  That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere.  She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip, got drunk, and told her professor about it.  Wild!

 

Some suggestions:

 

P-P-P-Poker Face

Cherry Poppin’ Ten Miler

Remington Steel

Prefontaine Ejaculation

16 Love Handles

Fetus Bueller

Small Hands on Deck

Cream Me Up Scottie

Pursuing Her Cocktorate

Magnum Cum Loud

 

As you can see, we were really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, and so decided to throw Just Nikki back.  I appropriately told her to take this night to get very drunk, make some bad decisions, and have some better material for next time.  I wonder if she did…she sure didn’t take my hint and see me at the bar…

 

Of course the OnOnOn, both T&H and Freddie’s consisted of much karaoke, beer, appletinis, and ass-slapping.

 

-Cum & Knock On My Back Door

EWH3 #568 – The Birthday Hash, Union Station

Hares:  JAGQueen, Holy Tit!, Whistles while he Wanks, Watch Her Blow, Jiffy Lube, Nipple-less Cage, Transparent Ds, Monkey Piss, Peeking Duck

Brew Crew:  Cum Dumpling, Mannipple Lickter

Virgins:  Just Max, Andie, Robin, Quentin, Jill, Mary, and Jocelyn

Visitors:  They were all smart and stayed the hell away from this trail.
Analversaries:  17 runs–Wee Willy Wanker, Slamda Slamda Slamda, Meat the Press, Whose Dick Is It Anyway?; 69 runs–Snap Crackle Poop; 100 runs–Red Vag of Courage

Ononon:  My Brother’s Place

The hash was just like I like my men:  really, really long, and 10 years old.  Happy birthday, EWH3!  After circling up in front of Union Station, the pack took off, heading in the general direction of the mall.  We were all a little confused, because Holy Tit! was laying flour at the start as we ran along with him.  Eventually, we made it to the Mall, ran out to the Washington Monument and back, and after about four miles, ended up FINALLY having our beer check under a freeway (I don’t have a car, I don’t know which one–395 maybe).  Rumor has it that there was supposed to be a shot check on the first half of trail, but no one saw it.

The second half of trail was shorter than the first half, but, unfortunately not short enough.  At the beginning of it, I asked Dumb Blonde how long second half of trail would be, because his wife was haring.  His response was, “I don’t know; she’s at the bar.”  He obviously married a very smart woman.  About 6 miles later, we finally ended up in an alley behind the on-on-on.  The pack circled up, and before the regular violations, Rear Protein Injection came out for some violations of his own, since it was his last week scribing ever.  However, instead of actually violating anyone, he went off on a furious rant that had me wondering whether he was on steroids or possessed by Bloody Asshole.  Yup, kids, this is your new GM.

Violations:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock picked up a guy at a bar to “play skeeball” with.  So that’s what the kids are calling it these days!
  • JAG Queen started EWH3 in order to get laid.  How’d that work out for him?  Ten years later, he lives with a man and has a small dog with a pink leash.
  • Blows a Tranny is even harder up than his roommate, JAG Queen.  He’s so lonely, he entered into an open relationship with his car.
  • Floral Sex complained that “it squeaks when it gets too wet.”  Honey, there’s no such thing as too wet. 
  • Late Nite Drive Thru wore a GPS watch on the walkers’ trail. 
  • Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner carried something little with a prick on the end on trail…. and a small piece of chalk.
  • The hares couldn’t remember how to lay trail after 10 years.  They do say the memory is the first thing to go.  It should be noted that they were not around to drink for this violation; they’d gone to the bar to get the early bird special and then went to bed.
  • Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler.  Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”
  • Mellow Foreskin Cheese got chased and yelled at by the police for jaywalking.  What, the cops didn’t have anything better to do?
  • Just Max wore a neon yellow jacket, because the 149 other runners around him didn’t make him feel safe enough.
  • Speaking of not feeling safe enough, Slumcock Anywhere decided condoms were insufficient and wrapped himself up in crime scene tape.
  • Rear Protein Injection was overheard saying, “It’s too tight to fit it in,” which is the first time anyone’s ever heard him say that.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made Just Barnaby do tricks to impress guys.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack saw Slumcock Anywhere’s photos of models and said, “They’re not that hot.”  Um, beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Whoooooooores Closing had sore knees, not from trail, but from the night before.
  • Pee Wee’s Little Adventure watched the Victoria’s Secret lingerie show while lifting weights.  Shouldn’t he have been doing something else with his hands?

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots put on high heels after the hash, which upgraded her from “midget” to “little person.”
  • General’s Farm Animal tried to hail a cop car.  Just because it has lights on it, doesn’t mean it’s a cab.
  • Felon DeGeneres never chokes on it.  That’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior!
  • Hair Cuntery thinks he’s the Ginger Baron.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler didn’t need to wear her Ragnar Relay shirt to the hash; we already know that she tastes like bad decisions.
  • Cum and Knock on My Back Door and Big Bend Over’s gay marriage was legalized.  Congrats to the happy couple, and it’s about damn time!
  • I Manual Cunt  didn’t recognize the Tour de Chug jersey.  Newbie!
  • Wax On, Whacks Off got a chubby when JAG Queen dropped trou.
  • Bone, Bone on the Range got engaged.  Congratulations on deciding to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life!
  • RPI:  Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock  wanted to violate you, but he was afraid to make you angry again.
  • Gaystation actually picked up girls on trail who were older than 14.
  • RPI, angry bald guys stopped getting laid when Seinfeld went off the air.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock tried to use Just Barnaby to pick up girls, but instead only picked up I Manual Cunt.

Then it was time for a very special occasion, a DUAL NAMING!

Just Josh and Just Jeremy grew up and went to high school together in Michigan and then joined the Navy, which they’ve both since gotten out of.  Just Josh pitches, and Just Jeremy catches.  When they were 16, they and their girlfriends all had sex on the same bed.  Just Josh wanted to touch Just Jeremy’s then-girlfriend’s boobs, and Just Jeremy was OK with that, but the girlfriend wouldn’t let him.  Just Josh likes llamas and reverse cowgirl, whereas Just Jeremy prefers goats and doggy style.  Just Jeremy got walked in on by his then-girlfriend’s dad while they and another chick were having a threesome in a hot tub.  They kept going, of course.  In contrast, Just Josh got walked in on by his friends while beating off to some of the 80G of porn that he has on his hard drive.  Just Josh was also complaining loudly on trail about how he really wanted a blow job; he’s about to ship out to Afghanistan, and his girlfriend has been out of town for a long time.  Girlfriend, what girlfriend?  I’m sure lots of harriettes would’ve been happy to oblige.

Naming suggestions for Just Josh were:

  • Explosive Cum Disposal
  • Thomas the Wank Engine
  • Chick-Chick-Chick Boom
  • Sprinkler System

and

  • Dick-Dick-Dick Boom

Naming suggestions for Just Jeremy were:

  • Long Odds

and

  • Remote Detonation

Finally, someone remembered that this was a dual naming, and thus Just Josh and Just Jeremy became, respectively, I’ll Paca  and And I’ll Push Back.

Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, went to the bar and tried to get laid.   Except for the hares, who were all out of Viagra.

So long and thanks for all the fish,

Tits for Tots

Outgoing and Incumming EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #559 – Thanksgiving Hash, Rosslyn

Hares:  Areola Borealis, Purple Peter Eater, Saskatchewsnatch, Please Step Away from the Whores

Virgins:  Just Frances

Visitors:  Lez Crafter (Arizona)
Analversaries:  169 runs–Big Bend Over; 200 runs–Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow

Ononon:  None–everything was closet

 

The pack gathered on top of the parking deck above the Continental.  A few foolish, I mean, brave, souls actually ran trail, which was short, confusing due to there still being hash marks from two weeks ago on the ground, and redolent of Wild Turkey.  Most everyone did the smart, er, lazy, thing, and stayed on top of the parking deck, drank beer and Wild Turkey, and made fun of the runners.  After all, trail was so short that they probably only burned off the caloric equivalent of a spoonful of stuffing.  Either way, a good time was had by all.  

 

Violations:

  • Low Pressure Front went and got a puppy that’s even smaller and poofier than Just Barnaby.
  • Saskatchewsnatch interrupted Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow’s morning dump for no good reason.
  • Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow told me all about his morning dump.  TMI, dude.
  • Silver Spooge forgot that Seinfeld had been off the air for a whole decade and wore his puffy shirt to the hash.
  • Just Bobby gave Purple Peter Eater a new piercing.  If he’d wanted one of those, he’d have gone to the mall.   
  • Big Bend Over prefers it on him–you could tell by looking at his shirt.
  • Any Given Cumday told me a story about BBO’s butt hole, because apparently it was “Overshare with Tits” week.
  • Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler.  Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Any Given Cumday said she likes to motorboat girls, but didn’t motorboat Edgar Allan Ho.  What a tease!
  • Motormouth was quiet for 30 minutes straight.
  • Queerly I’m Straight and Peter, Peter, Manhole Eater both wore shiny new drinking  vessels to the hash.
  • Low Pressure Front named his puppy after male genitalia, which makes Just Tama totally gayer than Just Barnaby.
  • Shamrock Your Cock was sober enough to know that “tama” means “ball” in Japanese.
  • Finally, we had a round for all the Thanksigving babies present:  Silver Spooge, Purple Peter Eater, Can’t Get Beaver, and 3-Ring Cervix.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Jason is from Kansas City, went to a bunch of Catholic schools, and eventually majored in psychology, philosophy, and theology at university.  He now bartends at Tunnicliff’s, and is there anyone who did not see that coming?  He applied for a job at Remington’s, but was rejected.  Just Jason’s favorite sexual position is “reverse butterfly,” which involves holding one’s partner in the air and shagging him or her from behind, while he or she wraps her legs around you.  We really need a photo to do it justice, but I’m sure hash flash has that covered.  He has a tattoo of his family crest going into a Celtic cross.  Just Jason once got his nose broken during sex and bled all over the poor girl.  He has also gotten it on in a cornfield, and on a roller coaster called the “Zambezi Zinger.”  Finally, he once peed in his then-girlfriend’s dirty clothes hamper.  Hey, at least there weren’t clean clothes in there!  

 

Naming suggestions were:

  • Less rape, more willing
  • Bloody Fairy

and

  • Six Fags

 

The crowd went wild over Six Fags, so that’s what we’ll be calling him from now on.

Since we still had beer, we decided to have another NAMING!

Just Jolie is from Texas and went to Mary Washington University, where she majored in political science.  Apparently, there are a lot of lesbians there, because when she met Saskatchewsnatch in a dorm, the first words out of her mouth were, “Are you a lesbian?”  She is now a stockbroker at Merrill Lynch.  So that’s where all our money went!  Just Jolie has dreams about giving head and likes oral and spooning sex, but no anal.  She has a bunch of reiki tattoos.  Just Jolie has had group sex with one guy and three girls, and has kissed a lot of gay men.  She was once blowing a guy who asked her to bite down on his cock, and kept asking her to bite harder, until her teeth were almost touching.  At that point, she got skeeved out, and stopped with the biting.  That guy’s junk thanks him to this day.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Anything Butt
  • Thanks For Giving
  • Lorena Chomp It
  • Count Dickula

and

  • She Knows Dick

 

It was a bit of a close call, but henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Jolie will be known as Lorena Chomp It.

 

Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, until it was time to drag our drunk asses to Thanksgiving dinner with family or friends. 

 

Much love,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe