Hares: Rear Protein Injection, Miss Me Gag Me, Yule Log, 1 if by Man, 2 if by She
Virgins: Just Amy, Brendan, Julia, Cecilia, Saul.
Visitors: None were stupid enough to come out in the cold.
Analversaries: 1690–Tits for Tots; 200–Pint of Guinness Stout
OnOnOn: The Blaguard
Welcome to my last hash trash ever! This is the part where I would write about trail, but, unfortunately, I was too sick to run, so SUCK IT.
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock has reached new heights of gayness: his phone’s autocorrect replaces certain words with “Gaga.”
3-2-1 F*ck-Off just got out of the hospital, and I know he’s been hard up, but almost dying in order to get a sympathy f*ck may just be a bridge too far.
Whiskey Business and Hungry Hungry Homo didn’t feel safe running through the terrifying environs of Adams Morgan with a group of 50 people, so they both wore extremely bright neon yellow jackets. Srsly, I needed sunglasses just to look at these things.
Put It Out apparently thought the on-on-on was a Japanese gay bar, judging by his Hello Kitty headlamp.
Wreath Around masturbated so hard, he broke his arm doing it.
Chip ‘n’ Fails said, “I feel like a f*cked vagina, and not in a good way.” How is that ever not good?
Snatch Shot ruined the cock soup.
Slumcock Anywhere used walkers’ trail to run his errands.
Chip ‘n’ Fails was using his cell phone during beer check, to set up a disappointment call for later.
Big Bang, despite being a physicist, forgot that you can’t actually vomit out of a closed screen window.
Violations from the Crowd
Y’all, it was way too cold to write any of them down.
And then it was time for a very regular occasion: a NAMING!
Just Laurie is our incumming OreHo. She studied chemistry at University of Colorado-Boulder, whose mascot is the buffalo, and was very proud to inform us that she graduated with honors. Just Laurie also used to be a chef, so put that together with her major, and she could probably make meth. Once, she was at the beach with a dude, and was so enthusiastic about getting it on with him that she stripped all her clothes off on her way back to the car and left them on the beach, then left sandy footprints on the car window. Just Laurie would like to have children someday. She loses things a lot, and she’s kind of a nerd. By kind of, I mean really: At this point, she almost got into an intense Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate with some other wankers, and I threatened to stop writing and leave for the on-on-on, because it was cold, and dude. Just. NO.
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
Bun in the Oven
Cum in the Oven
America’s Twat Chef
From Here to Maternity
Jabba the Cunt
Everyone loves Star Wars, even me, so we named Just Laurie Jabba the Cunt.
After that, we went to the bar, drank more beer, and tried to get laid or lose our voices in the attempt.
Hares: I Manual Cunt, Swing Cycle, Unobtanium, Someone Else (Karate!)
Virgins: Just Sam, Don, Victoria, Chris, and Lauren
OnOnOn: Union Jack’s
A little over a year ago on a chilly October night, I was sitting in the Haunted Mansion debating what type of degenerative porn to look at.I heard a knock on my door and, penis not in hand, told whoever it was to enter.In came Poop Deville, grasping a giant bag from 7-11.
“[Nerd name], check these out” he said, as he pulled out a 24 ounce red, camofloge can.“It has energy in it!”
“OMG,” I replied, grasping that beautiful can, “OMG for realsies.”Note: this is how we really talk.
Yes, that day I drank my first Four Loko.I personally like to think of it as the day I hopped onto a beautiful, highly caffeinated terrible/awesome/pukey black-out magic carpet ride from AwesomeTown.
And now, here we are, hashing AND commemorating that beautiful beverage.RIP Four Loko.RIP.
The trail circled up at Barnes and Noble in order to highlight the general illiteracy of our hash.People were supposed to come dressed up as Four Loko, but I think everyone just came ready to DRINK Four Loko, which I am cool with.We started off on trail, running here and there searching for hidden cans of Four Loko.Now, I usually complain that running trail at Wednesday is like following a raging alcoholic with no spatial sense or foresight, but this time there was an excuse: Four Loko.So hares, just say you were drunk, please.
We found Wa-Mel Loko in an alley.The trail came to beer check at “that school,” where we immediately began to realize how cold it was.We then ran out to a drainage ditch/tunnel fest.Wankers did not want to get their feet wet and the general mood was that of discontent, until Monday Sticky Monday brought us back to reality, firmly stating “It’s a Hash.Get over it.”And into the tunnel we went, happily running along until we realized that the hares had basically took as out and back to the beer check.Kudos.
After a nice 5k we stopped in one of Bethesda’s many illustrious parking garages.Yay!
Pee On Your Colada went home for Thanksgiving and had some morning fun on Turkey Day.Unfortunately her victim left some “gravy” behind her ear, which her dog found and licked off.
Normally I’m cool with Four Loko on trail, but now that it’s banned, the idea of hiding precious QuatroCrazy with the possibility that it may not be found is deeply disturbing, so the hares were brought in.
Monday Sticky Monday was claiming that he couldn’t go out that weekend because he was building a shed.After a few months of marriage, we all know that just meant he was building his own masturbation palace.
On second thought, it was probably Underground Railroad’s masturbation palace.
Just Brad wanted to shotgun a Four Loko last weekend but didn’t want his girlfriend, Ms. Mi-Gag-Me to know about it.Unfortunately he’s 1/30th Asian and was instantly in hives after doing so.
In standard form, 6 Pigs in a Blanket was complaining about pricks hitting her in the face on trail.I think she was running next to R.O.B.
Return to Ender was overheard saying “Don’t worry, it’s not that deep and I’m not even wet.”Once again, running next to R.O.B.
The Hares were violated because you know you’ve messed up when Bad Dog is an FRB at some point.
Cum On Prancer was brought into the circle for organizing a beer half-marathon that consisted of mostly guys, Four Loko, Christmas songs, and a hot tub- basically a perfect recipe for Cock Soup.Then the circle started chanting Cock Soup.So, tired of his former name, Cum On Prancer immediately jumped into circle, tore off his shirt, and henceforth and throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, f*ck them!), Cum On Prancer will be known as Cock Soup.
Just Brad is the worst brother because his sister, who he brought, is barely 21 and already her knees are blown out.
Pee On Your Coloda had a twenty-something birthday and celebrating like she was 19: puking in a toilet.
Floral Sex “can’t stand it when it’s long, so everyone else have at it.”
And then we had a naming.Just Brad is from Bethesda and was educated at the prestigious George Washington University.Hm, thinking of the hashers who have come out of that institution, you’d think they’re training us to be assholes.He does some sort of scientific research that allows him to be aggressively hung over on Fridays.He likes Mulan.The last time he shit his pants was his freshman year in high school, when he was running and was one block from home and let it go in a park decorated as Candy Cane Forest (or something like that).He once slapped his sister and then tried to pee on her after she saved him from police in the Dominican Republic (note: he would not tell us why he was shirtless and almost arrested).He has pooped in or around his girlfriend.I think.
Where: Trusty’s (1420 Pennsylvania Ave SE Washington DC)
When: Friday, December 10th, 7pm – 10pm
Cost: $30 pre-registration (by December 6th9th) or $35 at the door (Note: The prereg has been extended!!)
Why: To celebrate last years MisManagment, whine about the new MisManagement and try to get laid.
For one low, low price you will get: 3 hours of Klassy boozin’ (Miller Light and Yuengling), real food, and hashers in their f*cking Klassy holiday attire. (Notice the capitol “K”!)
Click here do download the rego! Print it, fill it out and send it (with a $30 check) to Rear Protein Injection (the address is on the Rego) or just hand it to him at the next EWH3 hash.
A New Way to Pay: For those too drunk, too lazy, or too developmentally disabled to print and sign a registration form you can send in your registration fee via PayPal (if you have an account). PayPal $30 to [email protected], be sure to include your registration details (I.e. nerd name, hash name, home hash, and how many shots it takes to see you naked). RPI promises to only spend the PayPal money on beer and whores!
If you don’t know the Annual General Meeting (AGM) is where we announce the incumming MisManagement (i.e. the wankers who will be ruining the hash next year) and drink our faces off to celebrate the transfer of “power”. Cum dressed in your Klassiest holiday clothes (think sleeveless x-mas sweaters, silly hats, dirty costumes or just go the classic route and slut it up), enjoy the open bar, and try to convince some wanker or wankette to let you unwrap their holiday gifts!