EWH3 #596: TourDuhHash Leg 7 – “The Hash Set Me Up” Trail – Thursday, June 17, 2010
 
Where: Anacostia Metro – Gaga-Green Line (yes, I’m obsessed with her, deal with it). Follow marks to the start or just look for the “lost” white people.
 
When: 6:45 PM, Thursday, June 17, 2010. Pack away at 7:15ish. 
 
Hares: MotorMouth, JackOffLantern, Just Chris
 
Misc: A-“Z” –
 
A note from your token nonblack guy: the OnOnOn is about 10 blocks from the start, and the neighborhood “changes at night.”  Please be safe and walk with a buddy (or 12).  BUT those who stay for the Circle and the OnOnOn bar are in for a TREAT!  Runners and walkers trail will be dog friendly.  Runner trail will NOT be stroller friendly at all.  Bring dry shoes, a canoe, repelling gear and a shank.
 
OnOnOn:
The Player’s Lounge (Georgina’s)
2737 Martin Luther King Junior Avenue Southeast
Washington, DC 20032-2608
(202) 574-1331
http://They_aint_got_no_website/
 
Specials:  Possible guest appearance by a local celebrity…along with an entourage of crack whores! Hooray.
 
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DC Area Upcumming Hash Events:
 
1) Red Dress Run Registration Open! Over 200 signed up so far, don’t be left out!
https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16490&cat=288&page=1
 
2) 14th annual Tubing in the Shenandoah (T.I.T.S.) Weekend
https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16491&cat=288&page=1
 
3) EWH3 Red Line PUBCRAWL – July 10th. SAVE THE DATE. Talk to Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me about shirts!!!
 
4) White House Hash Wild Wild West Camping and Tubbing  Trip
July 23-25, 2010, Bentonville, VA 
https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16502&cat=256
 
7) SAVE THE DATE – Beer Mile – August 13th
 
8)17th Annual Beerly Legal Virginia Interhash
August 20-22, 2010, Chesapeake, VA
Rego: $60
https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16501&cat=256&page=1
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EWH3 #594 – I-Did-A-Dawg, Capitol South

HaresCum Dumpling, CoXXX on Demand, Shamrock Your Cock, Silver Spooge, Saskatchewsnatch

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Return to Ender

Virgins:  Just Ed, Abby, Alex, Matt, Erica, and James

Visitors:  Anchor Spanker (New Orleans H3)

Ononon:  Remington’s

 

It’s that time of year again, time for the 5th(?) Anal I-Did-a-Dawg, in which wankers form teams, dress in costumes, and push one team member in a “sled” on trail.  Out of the 100ish wankers to show up to the pack, there were only 3 teams:  Wizard of Paws (the hares, and if you can’t guess what their theme is, you need more help than I can possibly give you), Slick ‘n’ Slide (a big chunk of mismanagement, dressed like the BP oil spill), and Arizona (complete with dudes in ponchos and one guy in Super Trooper shorts, but lacking a “sled”).  Unlike every other hash, there wasn’t an actual trail that was marked:  instead, the hares would tell the pack to go to a certain intersection, and everyone would run there and wait until the hares, slowed by their need to push a team member in a “sled,” caught up.  And wow, let me tell you, the hash is so much easier and more fun when, rather than running, you’re being pushed in a wheelchair that’s tilted back onto its rear wheels.  Whee!  Though I can’t help but wonder how many tourists and other muggles thought that I was an actual handicapped person, being cruelly tortured by my teammates.  After running to a few different corners around the Hill, the pack ended up in an alley for beer check, and miraculously, I could walk again! 

The second half ran the same way as the first, with the pack waiting for the hares to give directions to the next corner.  This time around, though, the hares had broken their “sled,” leaving only Team Slick ‘n’ Slide with a vehicle.  The team took me for a nice, short (too short) ride to end circle in Garfield Park, where I regained the ability to walk to the beer once again.

 

Violations:

  • Tony Panda wore brand new drinking vessels.
  • Silver Spooge, while holding the tornado that was attached to Team Wizard of Paws’ cart, said, “It’s sucking me!”  That’s the most action he’s gotten all year.
  • Motor Mouth and Put It Out tried and failed to pick up female kickball players–a difficult feat, since those girls are even easier than harriettes!
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made a gas chamber joke to Vienna Sausage.  Too soon!
  • Just Brian had phone sex on trail.  Wait, no, he was just looking up directions to the next stop.  And the directions he got were wrong. 
  • The hares, because this was the first trail where it was ok to just follow the pack.
  • Clappy Birthday is moving to the other Washington, to be with the girl who gave him the clap.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me said that I’m Lick James, Bitch! should join Team Slick ‘n’ Slide because, like the oil slick, he’s shiny and black. 

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Team Slick ‘n’ Slide dressed as the BP oil spill, even though there was a visitor from NOLA.  Too soon!
  • Tits for Tots got walked in on while changing–she was pantsless–and immediately fell down with her legs up in the air.
  • 6 Pigs in a Blanket was heard saying, “It’s usually filled with fags.”  We can only assume she was talking about her vagina.
  • Cum Dumpling busted out of his dress despite not actually having boobs.
  • PIO stole Moby’s, oops, I mean RPI’s, hat.
  • Choke ’em if you Got ’em and Me Chub You Long Time returned from Afghanistan.  Welcome back, boys!
  • John 3:69 likes them short and sweet.
  • Tits for Tots needed help squeezing poles.
  • PIO was wearing dog ears on trail, and the older you get, the more they sag.
  • A Salt My Ass was complaining about how he’s getting fat–he could always re-enlist in the Marines and then he’d get skinny like Choke ‘Em and Me Chub You Long Time.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! brought a bag so big that you could fit a small child inside it. 

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Tom is from Minnesota, so, naturally, he likes big women.  He attended St. Louis University, the mascot of which is the Millikin, which is some magical creature that looks like the love child of an elf and the Buddha, and majored in political science and international studies.  He now works for Head Start and as a barista and is vegetarian, so his belly is all from beer.  Just Tom lost his virginity when he ws 16, to a 17-year-old, in a seedy Wisconsin hotel.  He once called a girl by his ex-girlfriend’s name during sex.  Oops.  Just Tom can’t decide whether he prefers The Lion King or Aladdin, but he does like turkeys, cowgirl sex, and amateur porn (though he hasn’t made any–his roommate, SWAB, on the other hand…).  Just Tom is apparently romantic with dudes.  Bromantic? He likes to take a shot of Black Velvet for luck and then go crazy before giong out.  When he was little, Just Tom once called his grandfather a bitch.  Confused much?  Or is Assflac his grandfather?  Finally, Just Tom once took a girl home from the hash, but all he got was a hand job that was so bad, he ended up with injuries. 

Nominations that didn’t suck were:

  • Bromance
  • Keebler MILF
  • 16 Coming on 17
  • HandiClap
  • I Can’t Believe It’s Not Syphilis!
  • Von Clap Family
  • Compost Pile
  • E.L. Fudge
  • Red Line to Sore Cock


Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, fuck them!), Just Tom will be known as Compost Pile.  After a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid.

Screw running, I’d rather ride at all the hashes from now on,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #593: “Attention Whores Trail” U Street/African-Amer Civil War Memorial/Cardozo

 

Hares: Chippen Failz, Assflac, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me, Fucks Up Doc?, Wank Like an Egyptian

 

Virgins: Just Justin, Amber, Molly, Rebecca, Adam, Mark, Adam, Matt

 

Visitors: Turdburg from somewhere foreign HHH

 

OnOnOn: Solly’s AKA Chippen Failz’s backup for when he becomes homeless….because we all know it’s inevitable.

 

 

Hashers far and wide in the DMV came to U Street for a good time Thursday (well, two Thursdays ago…whoops!).  Fortunately this time, no chalk was needed to find the start- all you had to listen for was Assflac bitching about something.  Or Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me being inappropriate.  Or Chippen Failz being rejected by women.  Or Fucks Up Doc? angrily yelling at somebody/something/some child.  Or Wank Like an Egyptian crying in the corner.  Yes, it was the Attention Whore hash, a group of hares so busy not-getting-laid that they like to be loud!

 

The pack ran through the U Street area, raising eyebrows as they followed trail, or people who were following trail (or people who thought they were following trail).  The beer check was in a small alley tucked behind a swanky, swanky, swanky apartment.  The pack drank some beer and then headed back out into the neighborhoods around U Street before ending behind the Black Cat, giving hasher hipsters (hey Tits!) a huge boner.

 

Violations

 

The Hares wanted to get the token black guy but settled for Wank Like an Egyptian

 

6 Pigs in a Blanket gave a PSA out for the single men at the hash when she noted that no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t gag.

 

Edgar Allen Hoe was shocked when she didn’t need to show her tits to stop traffic.  Here’s to giving her another chance!

 

Just Richard and Just Danny came to the hash wearing matching socks and new shoes.  Drink up!

 

Pee Wee’s Little Adventure walked in on Tits for Tots naked three times at a party and didn’t do anything about it.

 

Just Justin was commended for being the man who introduced ¡4loko! to the hash!

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Just Adam didn’t go to the hash one week because he wanted to see Twilight New Moon.

 

Whiskey Business apparently hits on students.  Come on guys….

 

Slipknot got in a fight with a knife-wielding midget in the Metro and lost.  Or ran through a lot of PI.

 

Whiskey Business smoked and pulled a lot of meat the other weekend.

 

Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner needs liquid courage to talk to anything.  Period.

 

Motormouth somehow did not make it onto the hare list for the Attention Whore hash.

 

Just Alison was asking people to squeeze her but didn’t let anyone follow through with it.

 

 

And then it was time for a special occasion.  Yes, it was a naming!

 

 

Just Alex went to Virginia Tech and was a geography major.  He grew up in DC and has worked for 7-11.  He was in ROTC and is all military and stuff.  I’m pretty sure he’s something badass, so I’m going to shut up now.  When he was 21 and at Fort Benning, he hooked up with a girl in a bar, and then back in the car, where she started beating him because she thought she was getting raped.  And then he still slept with her.  He once slept with a 37 year-old black woman.  I really think I butchered this….but anyway, onto the names!

 

-Apu On My Chest

– GI Blow

– Super Big Gulp

– Just a Gulp

– Self-Serve Perv

– Dia-beat Me

-Shooting Blanks

 

Yup, you may have guessed it.  Even with all that information, we managed to go with the most offensive name thought of at the hash (thanks Assflac!), naming Just Alex Shooting Blanks!  Too soon…

 

We went to Solly’s and tried to hit on hot U Street girls (or at least I did).  It was nice and then it rained.

 

Here’s to fun,

 

Whiskey Business