EWH3 #568 – The Birthday Hash, Union Station

Hares:  JAGQueen, Holy Tit!, Whistles while he Wanks, Watch Her Blow, Jiffy Lube, Nipple-less Cage, Transparent Ds, Monkey Piss, Peeking Duck

Brew Crew:  Cum Dumpling, Mannipple Lickter

Virgins:  Just Max, Andie, Robin, Quentin, Jill, Mary, and Jocelyn

Visitors:  They were all smart and stayed the hell away from this trail.
Analversaries:  17 runs–Wee Willy Wanker, Slamda Slamda Slamda, Meat the Press, Whose Dick Is It Anyway?; 69 runs–Snap Crackle Poop; 100 runs–Red Vag of Courage

Ononon:  My Brother’s Place

The hash was just like I like my men:  really, really long, and 10 years old.  Happy birthday, EWH3!  After circling up in front of Union Station, the pack took off, heading in the general direction of the mall.  We were all a little confused, because Holy Tit! was laying flour at the start as we ran along with him.  Eventually, we made it to the Mall, ran out to the Washington Monument and back, and after about four miles, ended up FINALLY having our beer check under a freeway (I don’t have a car, I don’t know which one–395 maybe).  Rumor has it that there was supposed to be a shot check on the first half of trail, but no one saw it.

The second half of trail was shorter than the first half, but, unfortunately not short enough.  At the beginning of it, I asked Dumb Blonde how long second half of trail would be, because his wife was haring.  His response was, “I don’t know; she’s at the bar.”  He obviously married a very smart woman.  About 6 miles later, we finally ended up in an alley behind the on-on-on.  The pack circled up, and before the regular violations, Rear Protein Injection came out for some violations of his own, since it was his last week scribing ever.  However, instead of actually violating anyone, he went off on a furious rant that had me wondering whether he was on steroids or possessed by Bloody Asshole.  Yup, kids, this is your new GM.

Violations:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock picked up a guy at a bar to “play skeeball” with.  So that’s what the kids are calling it these days!
  • JAG Queen started EWH3 in order to get laid.  How’d that work out for him?  Ten years later, he lives with a man and has a small dog with a pink leash.
  • Blows a Tranny is even harder up than his roommate, JAG Queen.  He’s so lonely, he entered into an open relationship with his car.
  • Floral Sex complained that “it squeaks when it gets too wet.”  Honey, there’s no such thing as too wet. 
  • Late Nite Drive Thru wore a GPS watch on the walkers’ trail. 
  • Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner carried something little with a prick on the end on trail…. and a small piece of chalk.
  • The hares couldn’t remember how to lay trail after 10 years.  They do say the memory is the first thing to go.  It should be noted that they were not around to drink for this violation; they’d gone to the bar to get the early bird special and then went to bed.
  • Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler.  Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”
  • Mellow Foreskin Cheese got chased and yelled at by the police for jaywalking.  What, the cops didn’t have anything better to do?
  • Just Max wore a neon yellow jacket, because the 149 other runners around him didn’t make him feel safe enough.
  • Speaking of not feeling safe enough, Slumcock Anywhere decided condoms were insufficient and wrapped himself up in crime scene tape.
  • Rear Protein Injection was overheard saying, “It’s too tight to fit it in,” which is the first time anyone’s ever heard him say that.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made Just Barnaby do tricks to impress guys.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack saw Slumcock Anywhere’s photos of models and said, “They’re not that hot.”  Um, beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Whoooooooores Closing had sore knees, not from trail, but from the night before.
  • Pee Wee’s Little Adventure watched the Victoria’s Secret lingerie show while lifting weights.  Shouldn’t he have been doing something else with his hands?

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots put on high heels after the hash, which upgraded her from “midget” to “little person.”
  • General’s Farm Animal tried to hail a cop car.  Just because it has lights on it, doesn’t mean it’s a cab.
  • Felon DeGeneres never chokes on it.  That’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior!
  • Hair Cuntery thinks he’s the Ginger Baron.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler didn’t need to wear her Ragnar Relay shirt to the hash; we already know that she tastes like bad decisions.
  • Cum and Knock on My Back Door and Big Bend Over’s gay marriage was legalized.  Congrats to the happy couple, and it’s about damn time!
  • I Manual Cunt  didn’t recognize the Tour de Chug jersey.  Newbie!
  • Wax On, Whacks Off got a chubby when JAG Queen dropped trou.
  • Bone, Bone on the Range got engaged.  Congratulations on deciding to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life!
  • RPI:  Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock  wanted to violate you, but he was afraid to make you angry again.
  • Gaystation actually picked up girls on trail who were older than 14.
  • RPI, angry bald guys stopped getting laid when Seinfeld went off the air.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock tried to use Just Barnaby to pick up girls, but instead only picked up I Manual Cunt.

Then it was time for a very special occasion, a DUAL NAMING!

Just Josh and Just Jeremy grew up and went to high school together in Michigan and then joined the Navy, which they’ve both since gotten out of.  Just Josh pitches, and Just Jeremy catches.  When they were 16, they and their girlfriends all had sex on the same bed.  Just Josh wanted to touch Just Jeremy’s then-girlfriend’s boobs, and Just Jeremy was OK with that, but the girlfriend wouldn’t let him.  Just Josh likes llamas and reverse cowgirl, whereas Just Jeremy prefers goats and doggy style.  Just Jeremy got walked in on by his then-girlfriend’s dad while they and another chick were having a threesome in a hot tub.  They kept going, of course.  In contrast, Just Josh got walked in on by his friends while beating off to some of the 80G of porn that he has on his hard drive.  Just Josh was also complaining loudly on trail about how he really wanted a blow job; he’s about to ship out to Afghanistan, and his girlfriend has been out of town for a long time.  Girlfriend, what girlfriend?  I’m sure lots of harriettes would’ve been happy to oblige.

Naming suggestions for Just Josh were:

  • Explosive Cum Disposal
  • Thomas the Wank Engine
  • Chick-Chick-Chick Boom
  • Sprinkler System

and

  • Dick-Dick-Dick Boom

Naming suggestions for Just Jeremy were:

  • Long Odds

and

  • Remote Detonation

Finally, someone remembered that this was a dual naming, and thus Just Josh and Just Jeremy became, respectively, I’ll Paca  and And I’ll Push Back.

Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, went to the bar and tried to get laid.   Except for the hares, who were all out of Viagra.

So long and thanks for all the fish,

Tits for Tots

Outgoing and Incumming EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #559 – Thanksgiving Hash, Rosslyn

Hares:  Areola Borealis, Purple Peter Eater, Saskatchewsnatch, Please Step Away from the Whores

Virgins:  Just Frances

Visitors:  Lez Crafter (Arizona)
Analversaries:  169 runs–Big Bend Over; 200 runs–Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow

Ononon:  None–everything was closet

 

The pack gathered on top of the parking deck above the Continental.  A few foolish, I mean, brave, souls actually ran trail, which was short, confusing due to there still being hash marks from two weeks ago on the ground, and redolent of Wild Turkey.  Most everyone did the smart, er, lazy, thing, and stayed on top of the parking deck, drank beer and Wild Turkey, and made fun of the runners.  After all, trail was so short that they probably only burned off the caloric equivalent of a spoonful of stuffing.  Either way, a good time was had by all.  

 

Violations:

  • Low Pressure Front went and got a puppy that’s even smaller and poofier than Just Barnaby.
  • Saskatchewsnatch interrupted Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow’s morning dump for no good reason.
  • Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow told me all about his morning dump.  TMI, dude.
  • Silver Spooge forgot that Seinfeld had been off the air for a whole decade and wore his puffy shirt to the hash.
  • Just Bobby gave Purple Peter Eater a new piercing.  If he’d wanted one of those, he’d have gone to the mall.   
  • Big Bend Over prefers it on him–you could tell by looking at his shirt.
  • Any Given Cumday told me a story about BBO’s butt hole, because apparently it was “Overshare with Tits” week.
  • Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler.  Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Any Given Cumday said she likes to motorboat girls, but didn’t motorboat Edgar Allan Ho.  What a tease!
  • Motormouth was quiet for 30 minutes straight.
  • Queerly I’m Straight and Peter, Peter, Manhole Eater both wore shiny new drinking  vessels to the hash.
  • Low Pressure Front named his puppy after male genitalia, which makes Just Tama totally gayer than Just Barnaby.
  • Shamrock Your Cock was sober enough to know that “tama” means “ball” in Japanese.
  • Finally, we had a round for all the Thanksigving babies present:  Silver Spooge, Purple Peter Eater, Can’t Get Beaver, and 3-Ring Cervix.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Jason is from Kansas City, went to a bunch of Catholic schools, and eventually majored in psychology, philosophy, and theology at university.  He now bartends at Tunnicliff’s, and is there anyone who did not see that coming?  He applied for a job at Remington’s, but was rejected.  Just Jason’s favorite sexual position is “reverse butterfly,” which involves holding one’s partner in the air and shagging him or her from behind, while he or she wraps her legs around you.  We really need a photo to do it justice, but I’m sure hash flash has that covered.  He has a tattoo of his family crest going into a Celtic cross.  Just Jason once got his nose broken during sex and bled all over the poor girl.  He has also gotten it on in a cornfield, and on a roller coaster called the “Zambezi Zinger.”  Finally, he once peed in his then-girlfriend’s dirty clothes hamper.  Hey, at least there weren’t clean clothes in there!  

 

Naming suggestions were:

  • Less rape, more willing
  • Bloody Fairy

and

  • Six Fags

 

The crowd went wild over Six Fags, so that’s what we’ll be calling him from now on.

Since we still had beer, we decided to have another NAMING!

Just Jolie is from Texas and went to Mary Washington University, where she majored in political science.  Apparently, there are a lot of lesbians there, because when she met Saskatchewsnatch in a dorm, the first words out of her mouth were, “Are you a lesbian?”  She is now a stockbroker at Merrill Lynch.  So that’s where all our money went!  Just Jolie has dreams about giving head and likes oral and spooning sex, but no anal.  She has a bunch of reiki tattoos.  Just Jolie has had group sex with one guy and three girls, and has kissed a lot of gay men.  She was once blowing a guy who asked her to bite down on his cock, and kept asking her to bite harder, until her teeth were almost touching.  At that point, she got skeeved out, and stopped with the biting.  That guy’s junk thanks him to this day.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Anything Butt
  • Thanks For Giving
  • Lorena Chomp It
  • Count Dickula

and

  • She Knows Dick

 

It was a bit of a close call, but henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Jolie will be known as Lorena Chomp It.

 

Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, until it was time to drag our drunk asses to Thanksgiving dinner with family or friends. 

 

Much love,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3# 557: The Marine Corps Birthday Hash- Rosslyn
Hares:
Sphincter Shy, Rambutt, All the Way In, She Fingered Me, Gladiator, Hair Cuntery
Virgins: Just Derrick, Allie Ross, Megan, Joe, Johnny Sheridan, Nick, Tara- apparently some thought this was a more formal event deserving of their full names…
OnOnOn: Rhodeside Grill

The rain beat down that Thursday as hashers strewn throughout the DC metro anxiously glanced out the windows at their real-people-work-spaces. “Will it break?” some thought. “Will I get my chance to run, drink, and strike out with numerous women?” (not speaking from personal experience, of course)

There was no rain as the few, the proud, the hashers gathered in the park-ish area by Key Bridge (although some did come dressed in entirely too much Gore-tex…you know who you are). The trail was, as promised, long and it required headlamps, something the pack learned early on as we were taken over to Roosevelt Island for an early shot-check. After delicious shots (I think) we headed over the bridge and into the city. Tour groups and hare-trickery were everywhere as we ran through the monuments. Reliable sources say that Forever Virgin was the only hasher to take Hair Cuntery’s Washington Monument bait. Hilarity ensued and the pack reached the beer check by Memorial Bridge.

Beer drank, run on. We crossed back into VA by means of Memorial. As we ran past Arlington cemetery towards the Iwo Jima Memorial (who’d have guessed?!) some shockingly handsome FRBs caught the hares! They were totally slow and- oh wait, no, they were helping a man who had run off the road. It turns out we weren’t the only ones drinking and moving fast that night, only we chose to drink and run, not drink and drive. Too soon? I hope he’s OK….

As the ambulance came Cock-a-Doodle-do Me and Nobody Puts Labia in a Corner grabbed the flour and helped finish the trail. After rubbernecking, the pack hit another shot-check and then ran to a parking lot in Rosslyn for circle.

Violations:

  • Obeastiologist forced us to play a round of “What Was He Talking About?” Overheard conversation snippet: “Sometimes I get lucky and get it in the first time, but other times it takes a couple of jabs at it.” You be the judge.
  • Sphincter Shy was violated for the second shot check, because after having that, the pack now knows what felching Hair Cuntery tastes like.
  • I Manual Cunt of course got it because he knew exactly what felching is. Look it up, I feel dirty typing it.
  • Red Vag of Courage complained that no one wanted to play with her as she ran across the highway. Look, there are “games” we’ll play with you, but real-life Frogger isn’t one of them.
  • Double Ohhh Positive and Jedi Boob Tricks had anal in the backseat of a cab without asking anyone and without care for the smell it left in that confined area.
  • Kandy Panties and ChippenFails had a good time sword playing on trail…a real good time.
  • Put It Out wore a neon green jacket with “The Best of Times” stitched onto the left breast. Just because you’re a contemporary of Dickens doesn’t mean you have to advertise it.


From the Crowd:
Just Some-Random-Guy-Behind-the-Wheel was violated for giving Sphincter Shy and Hair Cuntery their get-laid story of the year.
Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me wasn’t getting enough attention so of course she had to hare the finish.
I Manual Cunt really wanted to see aforementioned sword fight.
ChippenFails f*cked up the circle, which wasn’t so bad since it was the only f*cking he was going to do that night.
Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner got violated for being bad at violating.
Just Brennen said she came to the hash “to meet new people,” but all we heard was “get laid.”
The hares were violated because 75% of them were not EWH3.

No naming, since Officer Tackleberry broke up the circle. Is it me or is police interference becoming extremely common?

***Insert witty phrase here***
-Cum and Knock on My Back Door