The pack circled up on a nice grassy knoll outside of the Takoma Park metro stop.A Red River Runs Through It had deemed the hash his best way to spend his last night of freedom.His fiancé, on the other hand, was not present since she went with the traditional sweaty-guy-rubbing-his-junk-everywhere type of party.Wait a second…
There were plenty of dogs present (I mean the ones with fur on 4 legs and for once am not being chauvinistic…come on, it’s the summer at EWH3!).This was great because Have Fun Storming the Asshole’s pup used her doggie-senses to warn us of the sh!tty trail ahead by, you guessed it, actually taking a sh!t in the middle of the start circle.We thought it was funny at the time.If only we knew…
The pack merrily (yes, merrily) ran through the beautiful streets of Takoma, MD before coming to a beer stop in an alley.Kudos to brew crew, whose spectacular parking job made a really enjoyable bottleneck around Plan B, creating two different beer checks.You got that, virgins…two separate areas to be awkwardly hit on.After drinking we ran some more- hit some false trails, trekked up and down some hills, and then finally came to the end where we were welcomed by Wax On Whacks Off and an 18 pack of Vienna Sausage cans.Can anyone say “processed-meat-juice-shot?!”
Put it Out was in Europe where he said he’d had the best hotdog in his life in Vienna, but he didn’t have to travel all the way across the world to go down on some Vienna Sausage.
Speaking of Vienna Sausage, when most people say they’re bringing an 18-pack they mean beer.Wax On Whacks Off, on the other hand, went with processed meat.
Sphincter Shy was paired in a wedding party with a 15 year-old girl.We don’t know what he was doing exactly, but apparently his dad had to remind him that she was only 15.
Mother May I just came back from OBGYN school where she admitted to “spending a year putting fingers up butts.”
I’ll Push Back and I’ll Packa enhanced their homosexual image by wearing matching Christmas-themed shirts to the hash.
PoPo Disco was overheard telling General’s Farm Animal that she “only wanted the mustache.”
All MisManagement was violated for having a 42-message long e-mail chain on the correct spelling of bukkake.
The Hares were violated since even a dog recognized that it was literally a sh!tty trail.
Wank Like an Egyptian showed up to a hash dressed like an Egyptian Charlie Brown.
Chic’n Fuck’er looked like Lance just out of chemo.
Just ______ showed up wearing new shoes to the hash.Use your imagination as to what happened next.
Blows a Tranny announced that he needs to get away from Bush.
Violations from the Crowd
Roll Over Bitch is having a tough time adjusting to girls swallowing (probably because he’s used to the other gender…)
At one point, Vienna Sausage departed from his usual lumbering pace on trail to an all-out sprint.The logical conclusion?Hiding Jews ahead.
A Red River Runs Through It decided to spend his last night of freedom hanging out with a bunch of sweaty guys- funny because Colleen, his fiancé, was doing the same thing.
There was, of course, a special event before the usual special event: MisManagement deemed it only appropriate that, since A Red River Runs Through It was committing to only one vagina for the rest of his life, we must bukkake him.Or boobcocky?We didn’t know, but a lot of beer was shot in his face nonetheless.And then we got back on track to….a NAMING!
Just Melissa is an accountant.She was a Seminole at Florida State before coming to DC.The meanest thing that she ever did was run over a kid on her bike back in the day.Once, in Atlanta she got drunk off of a latte drink with Jager and then fell over.She lost her V-Card at 18, and has had a certain substance shot in her eye on multiple occasions.She lives with lesbian lovers and is notorious for taking unsuspecting hashers back to her place, where she expects much but gives little in return.She was once in a Fuji Film commercial as a little girl.Seeing as we are EWH3, guess which part of her many stories we chose to run with…
Names:The Goggles!They Do Nothing!
E Pluribus Sploogum
My Eye Captain!
Catcher in the Eye
After little deliberation (I mean, it was dragging on) the hash decided that henceforth and forever more, Just Melissa would be referred to as, you guessed it, Catcher in the Eye!
The beer was cold, the pizza was good, and everybody was happy.
Hares: Hungry Hungry Homo, T!ts for Tots, Konichi [email protected], Just Lauren, y possible Mystery Hare
Virgins: Just Tenley, John, Ian, Rob, Grahm, Dave, Nisha, Dan, Heather, Jessie, Denai (?), Stephanie, Chris, Peter, Fred, Matt, Jeff, Ryan, Elise, Mora, James, Bill, Rebecca, Shabon
Visitors: Wax On Whacks Off from Nigeria, not to be confused with our own WoWo..mainly because this one is a she.
The pack circled up at Van Ness with plenty of time to check out each others’ mustaches.For those hashers that are facial hair challenged, there was also ample time to choose your favorite mustache fake-tattoo, Band-Aid, or take a marker to the face.I’m not speaking from personal experience or anything…mine was totally real…
After a rousing rendition of Cinco de Mustache, the pack ran off and soon found itself in the woods.Darting back and forth across the rocks along a tiny stream with over a hundred mustached people chugging along behind me, I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it felt like crossing into Arizona these days (or out of, who wants to be in Arizona anyway?).As the pack came out of the woods we were greeted by T!ts for Tots and a healthy amount of straight, high-class tequila shots.I’m positive that it was Patron.After the early shot-check the pack ran along for a bit more, lost trail here and there (but can you really lose something that was never laid?Hmmm), and eventually came to the beer check in an alley behind some houses. Rear Protein Injection soon began to sweat, and not because of the heat but because of our location, only to be reassured by the owners of said houses came out to oogle at us, and then drink with us.
There was a second half, but at that point I was preoccupied with trying to plan my attack on the virgins (which, we found out later, 11/13 of the female virgins were single.Note to self: high odds does not ensure success).We ended by the electrical tower, drank, and enjoyed the brief company of a cop.
Blows a Tranny kept talking about pulling things out of his ass, only he wasn’t being figurative, he was being literal.
6 Pigs in a Blanket and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me wore their Tough Mudder t-shirts because they wanted to prove that women can be tough.
On to a different, less funny and more serious type of racist, Just Jade was overheard saying “Kool-Aid check” when we ran by some folk.
The Hares took all the time in the world to draw the cute little mustaches on trail but forgot to actually take the time to lay a good trail.
I’ll Packa wanted to make out with T!ts for Tots’ mustache.Not her, just her mustache.This explains why he was seen leaving Apex last weekend.
Butt Fuck Norris learned that when you wear a race shirt to the hash, you’re a racist, but when you wear your Muay Thai boxing shorts, you’re just gay.
Just Keith, Rob, Andrew, and Eliza painted a huge target on their backs when they decided to simultaneously rock out in their GW cross-country uniforms and make it even more painful for us alumni to associate ourselves with that school.
All the virgins were violated since we could not figure out which hasher blew himself up to get all 72 of them there.
RU-469? attended a donkey-punch class.And I thought there were some things in life that you can’t teach.
General’s Farm Animal offered tequila to virgins, stating “open your mouth and let it fall in.”Just because you say it to them when they’re sober doesn’t make it less creepy when you try it again later.
Just Mike was overheard describing how “the first time was my fault but the other two were consensual.”As long as you’re batting over 500 buddy…
Just Allison was commended for puking and rallying on trail
Rumpleforeskin brought 4 Justs and was subsequently bukkaked.(NOTE TO SELF: when google-ing “bukkake” for spelling purposes, do not be shocked by what comes up)
Violations from the Crowd
Because of their mustaches, we could not tell PoPo Disco and Just Josh apart.
Don’t Ask was the closest thing we had to a Mexican for our Cinco de Mustache hash.
6 Fags wore a fanny pack to the hash filled with candy because he was on a mission to get to 7 Fags.
Whiskey Business was can’t get any but just because he doesn’t grow chest hair doesn’t mean he can go after a priest.
And then, of course, we had a naming!
Just Sam, who looks like a more creepy version of Christopher Walken, went to West Point (Mule) for his undergraduate education and Providence (Friar) for his masters.His favorite sexual position is doggystyle.His dad once walked in on him and his girlfriend, who was on top, and stayed to watch.He once chaperoned a dance and slept with one of his students’ date (clarifications: his student was a male and so the date was supposedly female; said students were in college already).One time he had sex with a girl and then came on her friends’ face.Oh, and he commands a battalion.Wait, what?!?
Lester the Molester
All Over My Face!
Permission to be Nasty, Sir!
2 Girls, 1 Nut
Bay of Pigs
RPI’s Bay of Pigs stole the show, and it was decided that Just Sam become Bay of Pigs.
We ran out of beer.Guapos had good food.
Did anyone else find Betty White oddly attractive on SNL this week?
Hares: Gaystation, Red Vag of Courage, Six Pigs in a Blanket, Six Fags, Axl Blows
Brew Crew: JAG Queen, Saskatchewsnatch
Virgins: Just Alice, Clare, Marissa, Michael, Miranda, Sid, Natalie, Alex
Visitors: Chicken Pot Guy (New Orleans H3), Eat My Twat (Sir Walter Raleigh H3–transplant)
Analversaries: 100 runs–Double-Ohh Positive
The pack circled up in a field in the middle of the ghetto. The runners’ hares had given Axl Blows a speech to read, but since EWH3 has no attention span whatsoever, he ended up getting a “shots fired” in opening circle. Real smart idea for this neighborhood, kids. After that, we were off. Trail went on and on and on, and we eventually ended up in Anacostia Park. There was a turkey-eagle split right before the river. The turkeys crossed the river over an old, wooden bridge and then climbed around a fence to end up near RKF Stadium. While crossing the river, we saw a beaver–no, not that kind of beaver, get your minds out of the gutter, folks!–an actual beaver, swimming in the river. The eagles had to ford their way across the river and probably caught all kinds of diseases. Use condoms, kids! After that, the pack came back together, ran past the Stadium and through some neighborhoods until we came to the shot check, Sparks in the swanky back yard of a really nice house. There were two guys and a couple of little kids hanging out in the back, and when someone asked, we found out that that’s where Six Fags lives. That explains so much about his name! Once we had some much-needed energy and booze, we ran a few more blocks to a beer check in an alley.
That was already about 4.5 miles, kids! There was a second half for runners, including another beer check, and from what I heard, it was short. But after a surprise ball-buster the week before and a r*ce the previous Sunday, I was a lazy scribe and decided to walk the second half. We ended up in Garfield Park, where we were visited by a “stripper” on a motorcycle, who, fortunately, told us not to make him come back here again, and rode off into the sunset, leaving us to drink more beer.
Axl Blows–we didn’t know Kid Rock was coming to the hash!
Keyless Entry fell and hurt herself, so now instead of being a cuddle muffin, she’s a crumb cake.
Six Fags came out on Facebook today: either we’re all really proud of him, or, after last week’s very special violation, he really should have learned to never leave his cell phone unattended around his friends.
Chip ‘n’ Fails was confused: from the waist up, he was ready for the hash, but from the waist down, he was going scuba diving.
Just Melody is pregnant, which means she is allowing Axl Blows to reproduce. He had to drink for 3.
Cum Dumpling tried to run opening circle in the middle of the street, even though Wookin Pa Nub just got busted for that.
The hares, because bitches set Axl Blows up!
6 Pigs in a Blanket said, “it’ll be too tight in there, but you can try.” That’s not what we’ve heard.
Just Jade was carrying a fuel belt water bottle because her mouth gets dry. Dude, the guys at the hash won’t care, as long as other parts of you are wet.
The hares loaded all the liquid in the rear.
Just Kathy doubled over when she heard someone say, “look, a beaver!” Um, they weren’t looking at you.
Six Fags left his virgin stranded. You don’t want to do that, they have so much to learn!
Vienna Sausage won the award for desperate pickup line of the week by telling a harriette, “I’m a secretion agent.”
Just Anne made a purse into a denim vest to go along with the theme tonight. You made it work, but it’s the hash, not Project Runway.
Bitch on bitch on Bitch and Just Anne couldn’t open their throats enough to shotgun a beer, and refused to let Put it Out teach them how.
I’ll Packa and General’s Farm Animal whipped out their flasks to compare sizes. I’ll Packa’s was bigger.
And finally, Mile High Snub was heard saying, “That was refreshing and disgusting at the same time.” We’re not sure if she was referring to the Anacostia River, or to Under the Semen’s lovemaking the night before.
Violations from the Crowd:
Just Jamie dressed like Debbie Does Dallas.
Tits for Tots dressed according to theme in circle, even though no one else did.
Whisky Business ran by the school he teaches at and didn’t get propositioned by any 12-year-olds.
Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’ was on all fours and was still taller than Six Fags.
Chip ‘n’ Fails really, really wanted to scribe, so he could have another excuse to creepily pick up dudes.
I’m Lick James, Bitch! was disappointed that no one confused him with Mayor Fenty this week. He also didn’t understand what the neighborhood kids were saying. “Excuse me, stewardess, he doesn’t speak jive.”
Whisky Business was heard yelling, “Prick check!” on trail. I know it’s small, but do you really need to tell us all when you’re making sure it’s still there?
Put it Out, unlike Chip ‘n’ Fails, ran by four schools without trying to creepily pick up anyone.
Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me told everyone to bring extra towels, because it’s gonna be a mess.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Anne went to Bryn Mawr, a women’s college, where she majored in cunning linguistics. While she was there, she got harassed by lesbians, lost her virginity (yes, to a man) just before graduation, had sex behind the admissions building, kissed her ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend, had a threesome that she doesn’t remember, and danced around a May Pole, which may or may not be a euphemism. Just Anne is into older men and S&M, she likes to be tied up and bent over things. She was once strung up in a doorway with telephone wire. She studied in Jordan for a while, and smuggled goods back into the US. Just Anne doesn’t get embarrassed by anything, but she did walk in on her brother once, which was kind of awkward. She is now a teacher, and all her students know she’s a breeder. Just Anne also peed behind a dumpster after her first hash, but we all know that’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior. Finally, when Just Anne hooked up with a wanker who will not be named, she was so loud that afterwards, the wanker’s condo association made a rule against extremely loud sex in the building.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
Tongue Tied Up
Wireless Family Plan
Reach Out And Fuck Someone
Shoulda Cum Louder
The crowd really liked the S&M angle, so Just Anne was named Safe Word. Then, we all went to the bar, sang karaoke (and what the hell kind of gay karaoke bar has no Lady Gaga? It’d be acceptable at a straight bar, but Remington’s is far from straight), and tried to get laid.