EWH3 #611–Red Dress Run Pre-Pre-Lube Choose Your Own Adventure Trail:  Eastern Market if you’re smart; Congress Heights if you’re a masochist

 

Hares:  Ball-buster–Whiskey Business, Sphincter Shy, Gaystation, Low Pressure Front, Cum on Prancer; Regular–Put it Out, 6 Fags, Osama Bin Hashing, Safe Word, Just Braden

 

Brew Crew: Shamrock Your Cock, Cum Dumpling

 

Virgins:  Just Mike, Dan, Tom, Dave, Sam, Mercer, and whoever was dumb enough to run their virgin hash on the ball-buster.

 

Visitors:  Seriously, a ton.  I remember Poop Weiner, Rotten Whore, Major Lying Bastard, Gritty Kitty, Takes It Up The Eh, Ear Shot (who’s really a transplant), and many more than I can keep track of.

 

Analversaries:  100–Low Pressure Front

 

OnOnOn:  Remington’s

 

Let me preface this by saying that this year, I was smart enough to not run the ball-buster trail.  If you want to know about it, ask someone who was there.  All I know is I heard it was long and hard, like I like my men but not my hash trails.

We met up outside the Eastern Market metro, introduced approximately 42,874 visitors and were off.  Before we knew it, we saw “SN” in chalk on the sidewalk, and, among choruses of, “Wow, really?  Already?” took a right turn that led up some stairs into a place EWH3 has never gone on trail before–a restaurant kitchen.  Our hares had arranged for the pack to venture into Tunnicliff’s, walk through the kitchen and the bar, scare a bunch of Capitol Hill denizens, and take our tasty, delicious jello shots in the front before continuing on our merry way.  The second shot came up really quickly too–sangria in pitchers in Lincoln Park.  Having done two shots really quickly, we figured we’d reach beer check soon, but dammit, the hares were just teasing us.  We ran down towards the Navy Yard and around Nationals Stadium, passing a few prime beer check locations along the way, before finally reaching Plan B, somewhere in Southwest.

The second half of trail was a mostly straight shot, sadly devoid of any actual straight shots.  We ended up in a vacant lot on the Potomac and waited, and waited, and waited for the idiots who were getting their balls busted to roll on in.

 

Violations

 

Motormouth asked, “Do I sound black?  Do my emails sound black?”  You sound blacker than at least half of you looks.

 

Mannipple Lickter Tophered himself–he tried to shortcut by hopping a fence, and just ended up stuck in between 2 more fences.

 

Just Tom made Snoregasm carry his bag.  And they say chivalry isn’t dead!


Six Fags injured himself on the walkers’ trail by “trying to be flamboyant.”  I guess he’s going for 7 fags.

 

Zamboneme said, “Why can’t I find a guy who wants to fuck and then go away so I can hang out with my friends?”  Girl, what hash have you been going to??

 

Just Chris tried to violate Just Peter for having a really big dick, so Just Chris had to drink for being jealous.

 

Dildo Shaggins and Brokeback Mama both had trouble swallowing, but Brokeback Mama kept going on and on about how it was too big, he choked and had to spit, and ended up with sticky stuff in his beard.  But enough about his night at the gay beer, how were those jello shots?

 

WOWO wore jorts on trail, even though they’re out of season after Labor Day.

 

Motormouth ushered the pack through alleys in the ghetto, acting as EWH3’s ambassador to the black community, even though we all know he’s only black from the waist up.

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Mannipple Lickter called Chip ‘n’ Fails gay, to which Chip ‘n’ Fails’ reply was, “Hey, if my odds are better playing for the other team…”

 

The Ball-buster hares tried to give everyone who ran their trail AIDS by making them get fucked in Anacostia.

 

And then it was time for a very regular occasion:  a NAMING!

 

Just Dave attended college at Rochester, and law school (nooooo!  stay away from the dark side!) at Ohio State (fuck it, there’s no luring him back, he’s pretty much Darth Vader) and now works for the Patent Office.  He came down with Kenny-esque explosive diarrhea when he lost his virginity.  Was there Mexican water in the girl’s vagina or something?  Just Dave pretty much sexiled his roommate for the whole first semseter of his sophomore year of college, but now he has to resort to jacking off 6 or 7 times a day.  He likes horses, Aladdin, and missionary position, and once had sex in a park.  When Just Dave was a child, he got pantsed in the sandbox and was so embarrassed that he froze.  While most male hashers worry about not getting laid, Just Dave was really worried about losing his guy friends when he bailed on plans one night.  Isn’t that Bromantic? 

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were: 

Cums ‘n’ Goes

Hurts She Squirts

Fuck Fuck Deuce

IBS:  Inserts, Bangs, Shits

Shatizade

ShitBangs

 

Everyone loves childhood games, so we named Just Dave Fuck Fuck Deuce.

 

After that, we went to the bar, sang karaoke, drank more beer, and tried to get laid.

 

I don’t wanna be friends,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

 

EWH3 #613: Hippie HashTrail – Thursday, October 14, 2010

Where: Takoma Park Metro — the Red Line of peace and love, man. Pack up your smoke-filled VW Type 2 and head to up Takoma…or hop on the metro and follow the marks to start.

When: 6:45 PM, Thursday, October 14, 2010. Pack away at 7:15ish. 

Hares: Brokeback Momma, CoXXX on Demand, and Just Mary

Misc: A to B. I think it’s dog friendly because, let’s be honest, hippies love everything that feels soft and warm while tripping on acid. Bring dry shoes, HEADLAMPS, and dry hippie clothes to fit in with the natives after our running activities. If you don’t perpetually have flowers in your hair…your hares advise that you “Arrive in Takoma early and get duded-out, man, at Rerun Retro, S&A Beads and Polly Sue’s Vintage at the intersection of Laurel & Carroll Avenues, 2 blocks uphill from the metro station.”

OnOnOn:
Quarry House Tavern
8401 Georgia Avenue
Silver Spring, MD 20910
301-587-9406
www.quarryhousetavern.com
www.myspace.com/quarryhouse

Specials: $3 PBR tallboys and Happy Hour specials (i.e. one dollar off everything)

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DC Area Upcumming Hash Events:

1) CHECK OUT BeltwayBob Hash Happy Hour http://www.dchashing.com/community/beltwaybob/ Tell them EWH3 sent you and then drink everyone else under the table.

2) THIS WEDNESDAY, October 13th – EWH3’s Open Mismanagement Meeting!!
What: EWH3 Open Mismanagment Meeting
When: Wednesday, 13 Oct 2010 @ 7pm
Where: Recessions Bar & Lounge, 1823 L St NW, # 1, Washington, DC 20036

Tell us how horrible of a job we’ve done this year and then sign up to change the world and next year’s hash. Oh and while your learning all about MM and Brew Crew you will be drinking FREE BEER on us! (If you can’t make the meeting but are interested in joining MisManagement let us know, email [email protected])
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EWH3 #611:  College Park

 

Hares:  Holy Tit!, General’s Farm Animal, Looney Soccer Dad

 

Brew Crew: Brokeback Mama, CoXXX on Demand

 

Virgins:  Just Colleen

 

Visitors:  None were stupid enough to come to this trail.

 

OnOnOn:  Rinaldi’s Riverdale Bowl

 

We met up in the parking garage right outside the Metro, and for those of us who arrived early, the hares gave us inflatable rafts to blow up.  We needed them, because our religious advisers haven’t been doing their job, and it was a freakin’ monsoon out on Thursday.  Seriously, it was wetter than your little sister.  Fortunately, the hares had marked the trail with paint.  Yup.  Literally.  The pack ran off into the storm, and turned off into some shiggy before too long.  At this point, everyone wandered around lost; even the hares couldn’t remember where trail went.  We eventually emerged, ran through scenic College Park, past some even more scenic Maryland dorms, and into a driveway, where we had our beer check in the pouring rain. 

The second half of trail started out promising, with mostly urban and suburban running, and I thought it was going to be a pleasant jaunt in to the end.  Little did I know that we had in store the water crossing of death.  What had been a placid little creek had turned into a raging river, and, while I don’t mind swimming at the hash, the current on this one was far too strong and too swift to even think about swimming.  Even holding on to Just Zach, who’s a pretty big guy, I could barely keep my footing.  After that near death experience, I was expecting to see a wood chipper once I got across the river, but fortunately, that was not the case.  Once we were across the River Styx, or whatever it was, we ran down a trail, through another neighborhood, and onto a main road, which led to the on-in, behind a bowling alley.  Suddenly, I started craving a White Russian, but first, it was time for circle.

 

Violations

 

Roll Over Bitch! thought we were fording the Mississippi River on the Oregon Trail and brought a dry bag.  You have died of dysentery.

 

Dildo Shaggins wrapped herself up in rubber; she really, really wanted to make sure she’d have protection.

 

Have Fun Storming the Asshole and And I’ll Push Back were holding hands on trail.  This is the hash, not a romantic comedy.


Suck Her for Sushi, despite wearing a Coast Guard shirt, pushed Hand Job downstream in a water crossing so he wouldn’t get swept away by the current.  Wow, that makes me feel really safe in our nation’s waters.

 

Motormouth showed up dressed as a security guard.

 

Everyone who went to Maryland, thanks for giving us a tour of what dorms you got drunk in.

 

The hares got lost on their own trail.

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Wreath Around fisted I Manual Cunt.

 

Dildo Shaggins invented a new kind of prophylactic.

 

Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me had a lot of trouble saying, “prophylactic,” she couldn’t get her mouth around such a big, long… word.

 

Tits for Tots dressed like Carmen Sandiego in circle, continuing the theme of computer games we played in school in the ’80s. 

 

And then it was time for a very regular occasion:  a NAMING!

 

Just Zach is married to I Think We Need a Fourth–he lost his virginity to her and everything–and they’re swingers.  One of the guests he brought home turned out to be 19 and a virgin–though she wasn’t anymore after that night–and during the night, her car got towed.  The car was registered under the girl’s father’s name, which led to a really awkward meeting.  He went to college in Chattahoochee, and now works on the hill for a member from Texas.  His boss is Republican, but he isn’t.  Just Zach got walked in on by his brother and lost his boner.  After a trip to TGI Friday’s, he once pooped his pants while riding in a car with his family–his brother was next to him in the back seat–and wrapped himself up in a towel.  Too bad we already have a Poop DeVille.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were: 

Daddy Tows Best

Gang Bang Miss Miss

O Brother, Where Shart Thou?

Daddy Queerest

Shootin’ the Cooch

Chattacoochee

 

No one can resist a good Coen Brothers reference–after all, they are cinematic geniuses–so we named Just Zach O Brother, Where Shart Thou?

 

After that, we went to the bar, I mean, bowling alley, drank more beer, and tried to help each other conceive.

 

F*ck it, dude, let’s go bowling,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe