EWH3 #586The 6 Pigs can’t find Hungry Hungry Homos eating Veggies inside Haystack Trail, Ballston

Hares: Eat your Vegetables, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, 6 Pigs in a Blanket, Hungry Hungry Homo, and a mystery hare?

Misc: Dog-friendly, and absolutely no need to bring a headlamp, dry clothes, or swimmies…oh wait…

Virgins: Were there*

Visitors: Were there*

Ononon: Caribbean Breeze/First Down/Warm Shower

*Come on, I’m a bit rusty at this!

 

It was a Thursday, so of course I was happy.  I mean, it’s the hash right?  Could anything bad happen?  Even not-getting-laid can still be a good hash- trust me, I know from personal experience.  Each week.  So I grabbed my bags, logged out of Weather.com, and headed over to Ballston, where dreams come true.

The pack circled in a courtyard just across the street from the Ballston metro and took off to the Custis Trail.  It was a pretty straight straightaway, which was nice of the hares, since I’m sure everyone in the hash is training for a 10k.  Thanks guys! 

But there had to be some other reason for this trail, which we of course came to eventually- a tunnel!  After a couple hundred yards (I think- does anyone know?  Bueller?) it began to sound like a gigantic toilet began to continually flush over our heads.  And then the water began to rise.  So look, I’m not going to belabor the point- it sucked, people were and still may be mad, but you have to admit, how freaked out must the people on that street have been when 60-some people came flooding (PUN!) out of the manholes?  Anyway…

The pack had a beer/buddy check and then it was another straightaway to that other Ballston parking garage that is not Washington and Lee High School.  So far as I know, everyone survived DisasterHashFloodofDoom ’10.

 

 

Violations

 

Mannipple Lickter admitted that he has never been punched in the face before, so the hash being full of drunk assholes should be a good place to get that taken care of.

 

Eat Your Vegetables told another hasher beforehand that “you’re going to hate this trail.”  No sh*t!

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock made a detour on trail to ChippenFails’ rugby friends’ house where he “left his bag.”

 

Cock Strikes 12 and his wife wore “Just” and “Married” shirts.  There really wasn’t much there, I was just annoyed that I had to face the fact that I am a drunk asshole who may be lonely his entire life.  Awkward…

 

CoXXX on Demand came out of the manhole looking like he was in a mudbath, confirming that he is a metrosexual.

 

SWAB had to actually stop and think when I asked him if he had fingered a dead hooker.

 

We all felt like sewer rats after that tunnel, but Cum Dumpling was the only one to fully embrace the look. 

 

Just Collin stated that that was the longest tunnel he’s ever been, then immediately mentioned to Tits for Tots that he had seen her naked, making me wonder what he meant when he said tunnel…

 

After sitting on Haystack-ass stained ice, 6 Pigs in a Blanket managed to have the most undesirable vagina at the hash.

 

Butt Fuck Norris and My Little Pony had essential technology on trail and were rewarded with beer!

 

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Happened, but it was loud (HASH HUSH!) and my pen ran dry….

 

 

And then it was time for that thing we call a NAMING!

 

Just Collin went to the George Washington University where he studied foreign policy.  He now continues to work with the University, clinging onto the dream and hitting on underclasswomen.  Just Collin’s favorite Disney movie was the Lion King because he wants to have sex with Nola.  Yes, that’s Disney beastiality if you were wondering.  Just Collin said his most embarrassing sexual experience was a bout of premature ejaculation, followed by a boner walk across a party to the bathroom.  He was then reminded of the time that he went down on a girl his freshman year who proceeded to shoot her own load at his mouth.  At least both stories have a common theme.  Oh yea, and he’s still a virgin (sorry buddy).

 

 

Fun Naming Suggestions:

 

  • Chester Cupperbutt
  • Sprayed and Neutered
  • Ohno
  • Lickedy Spigot’s Series of Unfortunate Events

 

and

 

  • Uhoh! A Squirty Hoe!

 

After much deliberation and yelling, it was decided that Just Collin would become Uhoh! A Squirty Hoe!  Now about that V-card….

 

 

We sang, drank, and tried to hit on young professionals at the bar.

 

And I’m back to doing my job!

 

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe 

EWH3 #585 – Cocks in Peter Peter’s Tail Trail, DuPont Circle

HaresSlumcock Anywhere, Cock-a-Doodle-Me, Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock, CoXXX on Demand, and Shamrock Your Cock

Brew Crew:  Blows a Tranny, George Stuffed an Octopus

Virgins:  Just Zach, Mike, Marishka, Lisa, Sean, Beth, Alex, Joshua, Jamie, Nate, Paul, Allison, Margaret, and too many more to keep track of

Visitors:  Big Trouble in Little Vagina (San Francisco H3), Fat Boy Slim, Anal Something-or-other (Seattle H3)

Analversaries:  17 runs–Mile High Snub, Holy Milk of our Mothers, Little Bunny Poo Poo; 69 runs–Fuxedo, Leggs Over Easy, Assfault, Me-Likee-Lickee-Ca-Ca; 200 runs–Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow

Ononon:  The Big Hunt

 

The huge pack circled up at DuPont Circle and took off through the surrounding neighborhood.  Parts of trail looked really familiar.  Like, I see last week’s flour familiar.  We eventually veered off in Rock Creek Park, where we had to climb down a very steep hill that ended in a dropoff straight onto the Parkway–safety third, y’all!–followed by a creek crossing.  Speaking of which, what’s up with the people who took their shoes off to cross Rock Creek?  Your shoes are gonna get nasty if you keep hashing, so get used to it.  We climbed up the other side of the hill and ended up at a beer check near Georgetown, where the hares had hidden Easter eggs.  Some had jello shots inside, and others had condoms–the perfect accoutrements for a hash!  One leads to the other, after all.   

The first half of trail had an Easter Egg Hunt.  The second half had a flour hunt, but there weren’t any special surprises that were hidden, just the trail.  We somehow managed to zen into downtown, and ended up in an alley a few blocks from the bar.

 

Violations:

  • Chicken Phucker heard that Fruit of the Poon likes it shaved, but didn’t realize that she wasn’t referring to his head.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! passed the PIMP test or something, not that that’ll actually enable him to get laid.
  • Just Claire wore new shoes that were such a bright shade of pink, it looked like a vagina puked all over them.
  • Manipple Lickter was disappointed that he went to Nellie’s the night before the hash and didn’t get hit on by any dudes, despite the fact that he was on a date with a girl.
  • Assflac, because until we saw his shirt, we didn’t know that doing a tri would make him bi.
  • The hares said trail would be safe, but they were April Fooling us.
  • I’ll Packa returned from Afghanistan and missed his, uh, hetero life mate, And I’ll Push Back so much that he went directly from the airport to the hash.
  • Just Scot whined that he was slow because he didn’t stretch before the hash.
  • Just Brendan and Just Kelly didn’t get their own names right in opening circle.  You’re supposed to get someone else’s name wrong, and later.
  • Assflac loved his trail from last week so much, he convinced this week’s hares to lay it backwards. 
  • Just Sam pooped on trail and blamed it on the dogs.
  • Just Erin was talking about how hashing always makes her hungry, even though there are lots of wankers who’d be willing to feed her their protein shakes.
  • Motormouth tried to do his best Hugh Hefner impersonation.  It didn’t work, because Hef is blacker than he is.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Eat Your Vegetables lost his flip-cup virginity and ended up puking all over the trailer.  The first time is always painful.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock went to pick up condoms to put in the Easter eggs, and was given two bottles of lube, because, “[he’ll] need it.”
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler went to a bar and picked up a Quaker.
  • Jingle Jizz out-rednecked Double-Ohhh Positive at the NASCAR races.
  • Chicken Fuckr tried to be as sexy as Rear Protein Injection, and failed.
  • Cum Dumpling still doesn’t know how to do chalk talk after months of being GM:  one of the virgins drew a true trail arrow.
  • Just Anna wore brand new drinking vessels.
  • Fruit of the Poon tried to get away with wearing a raceist shirt inside out, but she couldn’t fool Chicken Fucker.
  • Double-Ohhh Positive was smoking like a chimney while running circle, even though RPI and Chicken Fucker were there representing all the cancer survivors.
  • JAG Queen proposed.  Congrats on only sleeping with one person for the rest of your life!
  • The hares used an ice cream scoop to lay perfect circles of flour on trail… when they laid flour, that is.

Then it was time for the cops to show up and bust up our circle.  We dispersed pretty quickly and headed to the Big Hung (Yeah, I know it’s the Big Hunt, but that’s my favorite Freudian typo and I’m keeping it), where we all drank more beer and tried to get laid, or at least not arrested.

 

F–k the police,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #584 – Woodley Park/Zoo/Adams Morgan

HaresAssflac, Wank Like an Egyptian, I’m Lick James, Bitch!, Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’

Brew Crew:  Fucks Up, Doc?, Buttfuck Norris

Virgins:  Just Zach, Mike, Marishka, Lisa, Sean, Beth, Alex, Joshua, Jamie, Nate, Paul, Allison, Margaret, and too many more to keep track of

Visitor:  Hand Job (Guam H3), The Saint (Brooklyn H3)

Analversaries:  69 runs–Pittsburgh Kneeler; 300 runs–Put It Out

Ononon:  Millie & Al’s

 

The pack circled up at the entrance to Rock Creek Park, and off we went.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but I was expecting a long, rough slog.  Just look at who the hares are–all FRB’s, so of course they’re gonna take us on a death march.  It wasn’t as tough as I had feared, though there was a really steep downhill bit of shiggy where you basically had to hold onto a fence to climb down.  It was like horizontal rappelling, which I’ll have to try in some other context.  Trail may not have been a complete death march, but, rather, the hares set out to confuse us into exhaustion.  We got back to the start, but there was no beer van in sight.  We did see true trail arrows telling us to repeat going in the same direction, and checks marked as the second one at the same corner as the first.  Obviously the hares didn’t get the memo that the hash is not nearly smart enough to follow those directions and would likely end up repeating the first half of trail all over again.  Fortunately, most of the pack was able to read, and managed to reach the beer check at the Spanish steps in Dupont Circle.   

 

This trail was about 5.5 miles long.  At least 5 of those miles were in the first half:  the second “half” was a straight shot into the on-in, at least to anyone who’s ever hashed in Adams Morgan.  The actual trail?  Who knows, it probably went in a lot of circles first.

 

Violations:

  • Shetland Blow Me has a new hairstyle that can only be describes as a “mullethawk,” or perhaps a “mohullet.”  Both the punks and the rednecks from the 80s called, and they want their hair back.
  • Assflac tried to pass up the herpes he got from fisting PIO as poison ivy.  Nice try, kid.
  • Chip ‘N’ Fails brought the biggest, butchest, most bearish virgin he could possibly find.  Just like every other Thursday.
  • Whisky Business missed trail because he was at his school’s talent show, teaching his students how to “express themselves.”  Those kids are all gonna turn out gayer than Christmas.
  • Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me said she didn’t want to get wet.  Unlike every other Thursday.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack also can’t find a way to take his race chip off his shoe.
  • Assflac brought the pack on one of his triathlon training runs without giving us bikes or floaties.
  • Tangled Up in Poo is giving up.  Whooooooores Closing! is settling.  Congrats, kids!
  • Slamda Slamda Slamda said she’d like to come once this spring. I’m sure there are lots of wankers who could help you with that.
  • The hares were dressed like Playboy Bunny rejects… and PIO always makes fun of the GW kids for wearing jorts. 
  • Cum Dumpling claims that not only is he prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker (true story), he’s also better than her at faking an orgasm.
  • Eats Street Meat and Chicken Phucker didn’t get enough on trail, so they ran off to have sex immediately after.
  • Poop Weiner’s back in town!  That’s ALWAYS acceptable hash behavior.
  • Rear Protein Injection is the worst PhD ever:  he admitted that he doesn’t know everything.
  • Wank Like An Egyptian called dibs on violating himself, even though it’s always better when someone else does it for you.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Chicken Fukr said his cargo pants were PI repellent, despite the fact that we all know PIO’s attracted to anything that reminds him of ‘Nam.
  • Blows a Tranny failed to live up to his name:  he saw an actual tranny on trail and didn’t blow her (him?). 
  • RU-469 pretended not to be a hare, that’s how shitty the trail was.
  • Just Liz complained about putting her hand in mud.  She would’ve complained more if she’d known it wasn’t mud.
  • Tits for Tots and RU-469 both went to Asia recently and came back looking strangely satiated.  How do you say “MSG” in Swedish, anyway?
  • Hungry Hungry Homo got some road head but didn’t come.  
  • That’s because Cocky didn’t follow through.
  • Assflac showed up at the hash looking like he got raped by the Under Armour Fairy.
  • Whisky Business needs Child Protective Services to take him away from PIO.
  • Hungry Hungry Homo, Jason Mraz called, he wants his hat back.
  • Wax On, Whacks Off was so lazy, he got virgins to carry his dog for him.
  • Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining about circle, saying, “Back when I was songmeister…”  Everyone get off his lawn!
  • Whisky Business said there was too much beer in the down-down cups.  Lightweight.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! enthusiastically dug into the ice after Assflac sat on it, because he didn’t get enough STDs on trail.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock has a problem with Pittsburgh Kneeler wearing lace underwear to the hash.  You’re doing it wrong. 

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Robin is from South Carolina and went to Savannah College of Art and Design.  She is now an oil painter and art teacher to 1st and 3rd graders.  When asked what her favorite sexual position is, she replied, “Depends,” AND her porn collection has a lot of golden showers involved.  Make of that what you will, folks.  Just Robin likes to watch porn with guys and then pee all over them, or maybe vice versa.  The meanest thing she’s ever done was to beat a guy up with a shoe when she was 12.  She lost her virginity when she was 16.  Just Robin used to play rugby for a team called The Shamrocks, and she’s now a rugby official.  She once passed out while having sex, and the guy finished all over her face.  She spits, shaves into a landing strip, and likes the cock.  Finally, Just Robin’s favorite Disney movie is The Jungle Book.   

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Urine Luck
  • Georgia O’Queefe
  • Out in Place On my Face
  • The Mask
  • Pay Less
  • Finger Taint
  • DSW:  Double Squirting Whiz

and

  • Baloo Me In The Face

Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Robin will be known as Baloo Me In The Face.

 

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  We finished the beer, headed to Millie & Al’s, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid, even though those last two things are often mutually exclusive.

 

Don’t Stop Believin’,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe