EWH3 #593: “Attention Whores Trail” U Street/African-Amer Civil War Memorial/Cardozo
Hares: Chippen Failz, Assflac, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me, Fucks Up Doc?, Wank Like an Egyptian
Virgins: Just Justin, Amber, Molly, Rebecca, Adam, Mark, Adam, Matt
Visitors: Turdburg from somewhere foreign HHH
OnOnOn: Solly’s AKA Chippen Failz’s backup for when he becomes homeless….because we all know it’s inevitable.
Hashers far and wide in the DMV came to U Street for a good time Thursday (well, two Thursdays ago…whoops!). Fortunately this time, no chalk was needed to find the start- all you had to listen for was Assflac bitching about something. Or Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me being inappropriate. Or Chippen Failz being rejected by women. Or Fucks Up Doc? angrily yelling at somebody/something/some child. Or Wank Like an Egyptian crying in the corner. Yes, it was the Attention Whore hash, a group of hares so busy not-getting-laid that they like to be loud!
The pack ran through the U Street area, raising eyebrows as they followed trail, or people who were following trail (or people who thought they were following trail). The beer check was in a small alley tucked behind a swanky, swanky, swanky apartment. The pack drank some beer and then headed back out into the neighborhoods around U Street before ending behind the Black Cat, giving hasher hipsters (hey Tits!) a huge boner.
The Hares wanted to get the token black guy but settled for Wank Like an Egyptian.
6 Pigs in a Blanket gave a PSA out for the single men at the hash when she noted that no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t gag.
Edgar Allen Hoe was shocked when she didn’t need to show her tits to stop traffic. Here’s to giving her another chance!
Just Richard and Just Danny came to the hash wearing matching socks and new shoes. Drink up!
Pee Wee’s Little Adventure walked in on Tits for Tots naked three times at a party and didn’t do anything about it.
Just Justin was commended for being the man who introduced ¡4loko! to the hash!
Violations from the Crowd
Just Adam didn’t go to the hash one week because he wanted to see Twilight New Moon.
Whiskey Business apparently hits on students. Come on guys….
Slipknot got in a fight with a knife-wielding midget in the Metro and lost. Or ran through a lot of PI.
Whiskey Business smoked and pulled a lot of meat the other weekend.
Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner needs liquid courage to talk to anything. Period.
Motormouth somehow did not make it onto the hare list for the Attention Whore hash.
Just Alison was asking people to squeeze her but didn’t let anyone follow through with it.
And then it was time for a special occasion. Yes, it was a naming!
Just Alexwent to Virginia Tech and was a geography major. He grew up in DC and has worked for 7-11. He was in ROTC and is all military and stuff. I’m pretty sure he’s something badass, so I’m going to shut up now. When he was 21 and at FortBenning, he hooked up with a girl in a bar, and then back in the car, where she started beating him because she thought she was getting raped. And then he still slept with her. He once slept with a 37 year-old black woman. I really think I butchered this….but anyway, onto the names!
-Apu On My Chest
– GI Blow
– Super Big Gulp
– Just a Gulp
– Self-Serve Perv
– Dia-beat Me
Yup, you may have guessed it. Even with all that information, we managed to go with the most offensive name thought of at the hash (thanks Assflac!), naming Just AlexShooting Blanks! Too soon…
We went to Solly’s and tried to hit on hot U Street girls (or at least I did). It was nice and then it rained.
Hares: Srsly, all of WNDC: Cunt of the Litter, If I Were A Stiff Man, Cocktuplets, Peter Peter Manhole Eater, My Little Pony, EZ Pass, Can You Rear Me Now, Fluffer No Butther, Chip ‘n’ Fails (sort of)
Brew Crew: The Udder Ho, Shamrock Your Cock
Virgins: Just Kennedy, Jessica, Bill, Matt, Tom, David, Kelly, Olivia, Jill, Erin, Andrew, Cole, Kristin, Anya, Shannon, Eric and James
Visitors: Up Her Alley (Ben Franklin Mob (Philly) H3), Just Braden (Eugene, OR H3), and some chick who didn’t know who she was or where she was from
Analversaries: 69–Fuxedo; 100–Cum of a Preacher’s Hand. If there were any more, I blame the four shots for not writing down what they were.
Ononon: Hunan No. 1
The pack circled up in a field in scenic No Va. We’d decided that namings hadn’t been interesting enough lately, so we brought out the fuzzy handcuffs, to cuff some poor unsuspecting Just to someone who’d get some good dirt out of him or her. We decided that Chip ‘n’ Fails would be a good interrogator, and, much to his chagrin, we cuffed him to Just Joe. After that, we were off. The pack ran towards Ballston, and before we knew it, we reached the first shot check, red bull and vodka in a parking garage. Now that we were chock full of energy, we headed back onto trail. After a minimal amount of shiggy, we got to the second shot check–Firefly. Mmm, tastes like bad decisions. But enough about my weekend. After a brief stretch on the Mt Vernon Trail (or was is the W&OD trail? Virginia confuses me.), we ended up at beer check in another parking garage.
Well hydrated, the pack set off on the second half of trail. In almost no time, we ended up at the third shot check–I don’t know what it was, but it was bright yellow, and it was served behind a truck. Stay classy, WNDC! After that, trail took us to Clarendon, where we found the fourth shot check in a parking garage. Best yet, this shot was 4LOKO!! I think we may have lost Whisky Business and WOWO around there, but fortunately for them, we ran out to Wilson Boulevard, only to double back to the fourth shot check location and end up there.
Red Vag of Courage was trolling craigslist looking for ads about poop. I think there are more specialized websites if that’s what you’re into, ask Savage Love.
Chip ‘n’ Fails used a safe word to get out of his handcuffs after all the dirt he could get out of Just Joe was heavy breathing and, “he’s fast.”
Just Kelly complained about the water crossing, saying, “As if I’m not wet enough already.” No such thing!
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock supplied the hash with fuzzy handcuffs that, despite having a live-in girlfriend, he’d never used. FAIL.
Just Martina was too horny to wait to pick up guys at the on-on-on and opted for straddling a fencepost instead.
Imaginary Girlfriend thought Just Martina was a man. Come on, it’s not that dark, and you weren’t that drunk.
Cum Dumpling needed help putting Icy Hot on his ball sack.
Peter Peter Manhole Eater was the other kind of racist and confused Fucks Up, Doc? with Have Fun Storming the Asshole. Dude, not all Asians look alike. Not even all Chiwegians look alike.
I’m Lick James, Bitch! is trying to raise funds for a wounded soldier campaign. Just because you haven’t been getting laid, that doesn’t mean you’re wounded.
Wax On, Whacks Off and Tit-Ka-Boob wore matching scrubs. Aw, what a cute couple.
Also in the cute couple department, Whisky Business and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock went off together to pee during beer check. The couple that sprays together, stays together!!
Double-Ohh Positive said he was too drunk to hare the walkers’ trail, but he wasn’t too drunk to take all our money at sign-in.
Violations from the Crowd:
Just Shannon and Just Jess both wore brand new drinking vessels.
Tits for Tots boned up on her language skills by learning how to say “cougar” in Welsh.
Whisky Business claims he’s not gay, but he was waving at dudes like a chorus girl.
Uh-Oh, A Squirty Ho!, despite being a virgin and there being a ton of new, single, female harriettes in attendance, was only talking to dudes all night. That explains so much, no?
Just Shy–look at her name, she needs no other reason to be violated.
Cum Dumpling has more hair on his ass than he does on his head.
Whisky Business chugged 4LOKO but was still jealous of a girl who had boxed wine.
Motor Mouth wore his Hef robe again.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Joe went to Lehigh, the mascot of which is the Mountain Hawks. He now works for a defense contractor, as an engineer and likes Peter Pan and horses. During Just Joe’s freshman year, he was getting head from a girl on the top bunk in his dorm room, she fell off, and the RA came in and investigated him for domestic violence. Maybe that’s why he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 21. That fateful night, or, more accurately, those fateful 3 minutes, Just Joe was dressed as Santa Claus, the girl was dressed as an elf, and he kept his beard on during sex. Damn, and I get annoyed when guys don’t take off their socks. He’s been arrested twice, once for a drunk and disorderly that sent him to the hospital when he got his ass kicked by a parking meter. Just Joe was recently out grabbing random girls’ asses, though I wonder if whoever told that story got the gender mixed up, because Just Joe has also gotten kicked out of Remington’s for taking his shirt off. Finally, Just Joe went looking for a man on craigslist (what’s with all the craigslist this week?) and found St. Pauli Girl.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
Santa Claus is Cumming
Don’t Tase Me, Joe!
We Three Queens
Jolly Old Saint Frick
Never Never Slammed
The Virgin Hairy
Come On Prancer
It was a tough call, but Come On Prancer narrowly won out over Never Never SlammedAfter a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, drank really big beers, and tried to get laid.
The pack circled up on a nice grassy knoll outside of the Takoma Park metro stop.A Red River Runs Through It had deemed the hash his best way to spend his last night of freedom.His fiancé, on the other hand, was not present since she went with the traditional sweaty-guy-rubbing-his-junk-everywhere type of party.Wait a second…
There were plenty of dogs present (I mean the ones with fur on 4 legs and for once am not being chauvinistic…come on, it’s the summer at EWH3!).This was great because Have Fun Storming the Asshole’s pup used her doggie-senses to warn us of the sh!tty trail ahead by, you guessed it, actually taking a sh!t in the middle of the start circle.We thought it was funny at the time.If only we knew…
The pack merrily (yes, merrily) ran through the beautiful streets of Takoma, MD before coming to a beer stop in an alley.Kudos to brew crew, whose spectacular parking job made a really enjoyable bottleneck around Plan B, creating two different beer checks.You got that, virgins…two separate areas to be awkwardly hit on.After drinking we ran some more- hit some false trails, trekked up and down some hills, and then finally came to the end where we were welcomed by Wax On Whacks Off and an 18 pack of Vienna Sausage cans.Can anyone say “processed-meat-juice-shot?!”
Put it Out was in Europe where he said he’d had the best hotdog in his life in Vienna, but he didn’t have to travel all the way across the world to go down on some Vienna Sausage.
Speaking of Vienna Sausage, when most people say they’re bringing an 18-pack they mean beer.Wax On Whacks Off, on the other hand, went with processed meat.
Sphincter Shy was paired in a wedding party with a 15 year-old girl.We don’t know what he was doing exactly, but apparently his dad had to remind him that she was only 15.
Mother May I just came back from OBGYN school where she admitted to “spending a year putting fingers up butts.”
I’ll Push Back and I’ll Packa enhanced their homosexual image by wearing matching Christmas-themed shirts to the hash.
PoPo Disco was overheard telling General’s Farm Animal that she “only wanted the mustache.”
All MisManagement was violated for having a 42-message long e-mail chain on the correct spelling of bukkake.
The Hares were violated since even a dog recognized that it was literally a sh!tty trail.
Wank Like an Egyptian showed up to a hash dressed like an Egyptian Charlie Brown.
Chic’n Fuck’er looked like Lance just out of chemo.
Just ______ showed up wearing new shoes to the hash.Use your imagination as to what happened next.
Blows a Tranny announced that he needs to get away from Bush.
Violations from the Crowd
Roll Over Bitch is having a tough time adjusting to girls swallowing (probably because he’s used to the other gender…)
At one point, Vienna Sausage departed from his usual lumbering pace on trail to an all-out sprint.The logical conclusion?Hiding Jews ahead.
A Red River Runs Through It decided to spend his last night of freedom hanging out with a bunch of sweaty guys- funny because Colleen, his fiancé, was doing the same thing.
There was, of course, a special event before the usual special event: MisManagement deemed it only appropriate that, since A Red River Runs Through It was committing to only one vagina for the rest of his life, we must bukkake him.Or boobcocky?We didn’t know, but a lot of beer was shot in his face nonetheless.And then we got back on track to….a NAMING!
Just Melissa is an accountant.She was a Seminole at Florida State before coming to DC.The meanest thing that she ever did was run over a kid on her bike back in the day.Once, in Atlanta she got drunk off of a latte drink with Jager and then fell over.She lost her V-Card at 18, and has had a certain substance shot in her eye on multiple occasions.She lives with lesbian lovers and is notorious for taking unsuspecting hashers back to her place, where she expects much but gives little in return.She was once in a Fuji Film commercial as a little girl.Seeing as we are EWH3, guess which part of her many stories we chose to run with…
Names:The Goggles!They Do Nothing!
E Pluribus Sploogum
My Eye Captain!
Catcher in the Eye
After little deliberation (I mean, it was dragging on) the hash decided that henceforth and forever more, Just Melissa would be referred to as, you guessed it, Catcher in the Eye!
The beer was cold, the pizza was good, and everybody was happy.