Hares: Brokeback Mama, A Red River Runs Through It, SlumCock Anywhere, and Just Zara
Brew Crew: Mannipple Lickter and Oedipus Sex
Virgins: Just Matt, Kieron, Bill, Hank, Aaron, Mark, Fred, Greg, Tiffany, Vickie, Josh, Beth, Guggan, Russ, Mike, Zack, Ben, Jane, Jacqueline, Jade and Sharb
Visitors: Salad Shooter (San Diego), Just Christen (homeless), Hell I Smell Her (Aloha H3), Quiver Dance (Hampton H3), Mr. Beanie Weenie (Vulcan H3), and Coxycontin (S.H.I.T) (I guess no one told Coxy that being a SHIT hasher does not make you a visitor!)
Analversaries: Double Ohhh Positive (69) and Eat Your Vegetables (69)
OnOnOn: The Pour House

We circled up in front of Union Station for the “A Hare Called Wanda” trail.  So cleverly named because all of the hares have names that are spoofs of famous movie titles.  Little did we know that this hash was going to be epic (in length) with a boring plot (trail) and an intermission (beer check) that came way too late.  The jokes also stank (the beer check was situated next to the fish market).

Eventually the travesty ended, the credits rolled, and the cast members (hares) of this shit show were forced to do many down-downs.  There was much rejoicing.

(If you think the description of trail is just a bunch of lame movie jokes because I can’t remember what the trail was actually like… you would be correct.)

Now on to the details:

Violations:

  • 3-2-1 Fuck Off and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me both tried to pay their hash cash with coins.  We all know you can’t tip a stripper with coins and therefor their currency was worthless.
  • Tits for Tots claims that here boobs are always oriented east and west.  We all hope that they help her find a penis that’s oriented north.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door, Silly Gay Virus and Peewee’s Little Adventure all wore matching outfits.  No really!
  • Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining that we had more virgins than Justs on today’s trail and that it was someones fault and that they needed to be punished.  Since I couldn’t figure out whose fault it was, or even if this was something that anyone should complain about, I decided that Ro,B! needed to drink.
  • Just Evan and his virgin clasped hand and ran into the end together so that neither would “win” the hash.  They both “won” a down-down for this stunt.
  • Cocktuplets was attracted to the beer check because it smelled like pussy.
  • Just Jess and Just Bill both had technology on trail.
  • Just Stephanie and Just Michelle both carried their purses on trail.  I hope the purses at least had condoms in them, in case of trail sex!
  • The hares were violated for marking the trail in from of the holocaust museam with stars of David.  I guess it IS too soon.
  • A Red River Runs Through It forgot to bring the walkers trail through shot check.
  • The harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch! was pulling out the trail map at every check.  I guess he didn’t remember that you can actually solve them.
  • Maytagged is being deported and so won’t be at the hash for while.
  • Cum Dumpling was violated for not being able to raise his arm while screaming “white flour.”  I’m not quite sure I understand this violation but he drank for it anyway.
  • Brokeback Mama couldn’t help lay his own trail because he locked all his shit in his car and had to wait for AAA to send a locksmith.
  • Edgar Allan Ho is receiving free condoms from the government.  We can only assume that they are trying to avert an pandemic of swine herpes.
  • Finally John 3:69 wore shoes so new and bright that the glare off of them was blinding.  A down-down out of the right shoe should teach her not to do that again.

Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Brandon went to the University of Minnesota where he studied psychology, meaning now he works as a waiter… well actually he works for Consumer Reports.  What, exactly, he did for that publication wasn’t clear but probably wasn’t interesting enough to warrant much attention by the crowd.

His favorite sexual position is missionary and his favorite barnyard animal is a pig.  He most embarrassing sexual moment was getting caught in the middle of coitus, in a dorm room at college.  (OMG! How embarrassing… not.)  The most interesting place he had ever had sex was the restroom of some cafe in DC.  He claimed not to be very good in bed… way to intrigue the ladies there Just Brandon!  I guess if you are going to be disappointed in the morning you might as well know ahead of time.

One interesting fact about Just Brandon is that he is a felon.  Apparently he went ape-shit after the Golden Gophers lost (or maybe won) some game.  He tore a bunch of signs down and caused several thousand dollars in damage.  His aggressive attitude while on his knees, in the middle of circle was also noted by many.

Armed with this info the crowd came up with many bad names for Just Brandon.  In the end our RA, Cum Dumpling, decided to throw him back.  I guess we’ll be hearing more from Just Brandon soon!

Then we all went to The Pour House where drama ensued as we hit on the roommate of our former lover, who also happened to be the one who made out with our best friend after they got really hammered at that party last month…  Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were!

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #541 – Combat Veterans’ Hash, Van Dorn Street

Hares:  Little Red Ride Me Good, Double Ohhhh Positive, Porn to Fail, Eat Your Vegetables, JAG Queen

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Red Vag of Courage

Virgins:  Just: Marshall, Esti, Daniel, Robbie, Hugo, Tina, Roxanne, John, Saul, Steph, and Jim

Visitors:  Kilt Lifter, Curtis Flush, Nadia Cum ‘n’ Eat Me, Foreign Sex Change, Taco’s Camel Toe

Ononon:  Nick’s Country Bar

After being booted from the original starting point by a security guard in a Hyundai, the pack circled up in a parking lot far, far away from the Metro and almost immediately plunged into some shiggy that led to a creek.  Before reaching the creek, some wanker stepped on a hornets’ nest, unleashing the fury of a thousand angry, stinging insects.  Hornets on trail, really?  This is not ‘Nam.  There are rules.  I myself got stung 5 times.  And then, to top it off, a thunderstorm came in, creating flash flood conditions.  We trudged on through the creek, then into a tunnel under the Beltway, but there was no light at the end of it, only a crawl space.  Finally, at the end of the crawl space, we saw daylight.  The pack came out in a space between several tunnels and had to climb a rope to get out.  We then waded through what was supposed to be a creek, but looked more like a chest-deep fjord thanks to the storm.

The hares swept the back of the pack straight into beer check, because trail had washed out in the rain and one of the tunnels we were supposed to go through was completely flooded.  My relief at the sight of sweet, sweet beer was tempered when a few minutes after getting into beer check, when my lips started going numb and my whole face swelled up until I looked like I could be on the front page of www.enoughwiththecollagenalready.com.  And that, my friends, is how I learned that I am allergic to wasp and hornet stings.  The FRBs were still out trying to find trail, though word came in that some of them had gone straight to the on-on-on.  The hares swept the pack that was at the beer check there, while Designer Bush was kind enough to drive me to Giant so I could buy some Benadryl.  Turtle Dick drove his truck around the area and swept the remaining runners in to the parking lot behind the on-on-on. 

Before we could circle up, the owner asked us to come in and pay for beer instead of drinking it for free, and the taps in Plan B went wonky.  The pack went into the bar, drank beer, sang karaoke, and those who weren’t too wounded from trail tried to get laid.

 

For the love of god, avoid stinging insects,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Chicken Fucker, Monday Sticky Monday, Beer Fairy, A-Salt My Ass and Peace O’Chum
Brew Crew: Silver Spooge and Wank Like An Egyptian
Virgins: Just Steph, James, Jess, Julie, Jeremy, Mike, Travis, Jamie, Mark and Juan
Visitors: No visitors were dumb enough to run this trail!
Analversaries: None
OnOnOn: Georgina’s

This week the hares had us venture over the Anacostia, through the ghetto and into eastern Maryland.  We circled up on the top of the metro parking garage and commenced our normal opening activities.  The trail featured surprisingly little ghetto and lots of shiggy.  This included many forays through pricker bushes which everyone enjoyed.  One of the more interesting pieces of terrain was a very large, abandoned parking lot in the middle of nothing.  It was difficult to imagine what this parking lot used to serve as parking for.

Eventually we emerged from the wilderness into one of DC’s finer neighborhoods where all the best shopping (for illicit drugs) and (gang graffiti) and nightlife (Georgina’s, the singular bar in the whole neighborhood) can be found!

Now on to the details:

Violations:

  • A-Salt My Ass grabbed Cock Your Suck I Will from behind and picked her up during opening circle.  I hope you all caught that because it’s probably the last time you’ll ever have the opportunity to witness ASMA picking up a girl.
  • Bitch On Bitch On Bitch was overheard complaining “This thing made me itch.”  Something you picked up at the hash made you itch…? No shit!
  • Chicken Fucker (and the hares) laid yet another trail that made everyone bleed like a 12 year old girl getting finger banged for the first time.
  • Hair Cuntery was complaining that the terrain encountered on trail wasn’t quite what was advertised on the trail news.  If had known there was going to be so much shiggy he would have worn different shoes.  If that’s not some r*cist bullshit I don’t know what is!
  • Cum Dumplings batteries died on trail and he didn’t have any replacements.  CD should always have extra batteries with him. We all know there is no way he’ll ever be able please a woman without a battery operated device.
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places was carrying his cell phone on trail.  I hate to be the one to break it to you dude, but she’s never going to call you back.
  • Do Me Howser and Cum Dumpling were rubbing each others nipples at beer check.  That’s some gay shit right there.
  • Cum Cumpling and Do Me Howser couldn’t stop talking about queens on trail.  Whether they were talking about history or their last date, is inconsequential, they deserved their down-downs.
  • An Inconvenient Poop was 30 minutes late to the hash.  You know the old saying: better late than pregnant!
  • Just Carla was the victim of not just one but two drive-by pickup attempts on this ghetto trail.  No word if any of the thugz actually got her number…
  • It was Cute Lesbian In Training’s birthday.  We usually don’t commemorate birthday’s at EWH3 but in this case we made an exception since it meant C.L.I.T. was finally old enough to get her learners permit.
  • Dyke Tyson was complaining that she couldn’t get her tits out.  I have three words for you: practice, practice,practice.  Us harriers will be happy to observe and critique your technique.
  • Tits for Tots was wearing a shirt that so torn up it made her look like the latest tiger attach victim at the ‘Ziegfried and Roy’ show.
  • Finally the Hares were violated for not looking out for our brew crew.  The chose an ending circle that was right in front of a sign reading: “No serving or consuming alcohol within 1000 feet.  Violators will be prosecuted.”

Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

This night Just Nikki was brought into the circle so that the crowd could give her a decent and respectable name worthy of the hash.  During the interrogation phase of the ritual we learned the following about Just Nikki:

  • She went to college at Salisbury University in Maryland home of the Seagulls.
  • She supports her hashing habit bu working as a graphic designer at the Jewish Community Center… and yes she is a Hebe!
  • Her favorite barnyard animal is the Cock
  • Her favorite sexual position is Doggy Style and the most unusual place she’s had sex is an elementary school playground.
  • In her opinion facials are good for your skin.

A few stories came out about Just Nikki.  One time a boyfriend passed out while going down on her.  She was also caught having sex with a dude who had a girlfriend (she was the mistress) by the guys mom.

Her most embarrassing sexual experience occurred in high school however.  Her boyfriend decided to make her a romantic dinner for valentines day.  His parents were out of the house and he set up candles and everything.  After dinner things got hot and heavy and they went to his room to have sex.  Unfortunately his parents and grandparents came home early that night.  Even more unfortunately they ran into the house screaming, not because they knew Just Nikki and her guy were having sex, but because the dining room table was ON FIRE.  Just Nikki and the boyfriend had to evacuate the house naked.  Remember kids, put those candles out before you start playing a round of ‘hide the candle.’  Lesson learned!

The crowd come up with the following nominations for Just Nikki:

  • Friction Burn
  • Wake Up Little Floozie
  • Stop Fuck and Roll
  • Ambien Me Over
  • Parent Trap
  • Felacial
  • Backshaft
  • It Burns It Burns
  • Fire Down Under
  • Come On Baby Light My Fire

Hmm most of these names followed a theme.  In the end the crowd favorite was Backshaft in honor of the classic firefighting movie and some sort of phallus.  That’s just how we roll.  Goodbye Just Nikki, hello Backshaft may all your hashes be short and beer filled and all your drunken mistakes be disease free.

Then we went to the ononon, Georgina’s, got drunk and clumsily made passes at each other… some of them probably even worked.  No sightings of former mayor Marion Barry this time.  Boo!

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe