Hares: Srsly, all of WNDC: Cunt of the Litter, If I Were A Stiff Man, Cocktuplets, Peter Peter Manhole Eater, My Little Pony, EZ Pass, Can You Rear Me Now, Fluffer No Butther, Chip ‘n’ Fails (sort of)
Brew Crew: The Udder Ho, Shamrock Your Cock
Virgins: Just Kennedy, Jessica, Bill, Matt, Tom, David, Kelly, Olivia, Jill, Erin, Andrew, Cole, Kristin, Anya, Shannon, Eric and James
Visitors: Up Her Alley (Ben Franklin Mob (Philly) H3), Just Braden (Eugene, OR H3), and some chick who didn’t know who she was or where she was from
Analversaries: 69–Fuxedo; 100–Cum of a Preacher’s Hand. If there were any more, I blame the four shots for not writing down what they were.
Ononon: Hunan No. 1
The pack circled up in a field in scenic No Va. We’d decided that namings hadn’t been interesting enough lately, so we brought out the fuzzy handcuffs, to cuff some poor unsuspecting Just to someone who’d get some good dirt out of him or her. We decided that Chip ‘n’ Fails would be a good interrogator, and, much to his chagrin, we cuffed him to Just Joe. After that, we were off. The pack ran towards Ballston, and before we knew it, we reached the first shot check, red bull and vodka in a parking garage. Now that we were chock full of energy, we headed back onto trail. After a minimal amount of shiggy, we got to the second shot check–Firefly. Mmm, tastes like bad decisions. But enough about my weekend. After a brief stretch on the Mt Vernon Trail (or was is the W&OD trail? Virginia confuses me.), we ended up at beer check in another parking garage.
Well hydrated, the pack set off on the second half of trail. In almost no time, we ended up at the third shot check–I don’t know what it was, but it was bright yellow, and it was served behind a truck. Stay classy, WNDC! After that, trail took us to Clarendon, where we found the fourth shot check in a parking garage. Best yet, this shot was 4LOKO!! I think we may have lost Whisky Business and WOWO around there, but fortunately for them, we ran out to Wilson Boulevard, only to double back to the fourth shot check location and end up there.
Red Vag of Courage was trolling craigslist looking for ads about poop. I think there are more specialized websites if that’s what you’re into, ask Savage Love.
Chip ‘n’ Fails used a safe word to get out of his handcuffs after all the dirt he could get out of Just Joe was heavy breathing and, “he’s fast.”
Just Kelly complained about the water crossing, saying, “As if I’m not wet enough already.” No such thing!
Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock supplied the hash with fuzzy handcuffs that, despite having a live-in girlfriend, he’d never used. FAIL.
Just Martina was too horny to wait to pick up guys at the on-on-on and opted for straddling a fencepost instead.
Imaginary Girlfriend thought Just Martina was a man. Come on, it’s not that dark, and you weren’t that drunk.
Cum Dumpling needed help putting Icy Hot on his ball sack.
Peter Peter Manhole Eater was the other kind of racist and confused Fucks Up, Doc? with Have Fun Storming the Asshole. Dude, not all Asians look alike. Not even all Chiwegians look alike.
I’m Lick James, Bitch! is trying to raise funds for a wounded soldier campaign. Just because you haven’t been getting laid, that doesn’t mean you’re wounded.
Wax On, Whacks Off and Tit-Ka-Boob wore matching scrubs. Aw, what a cute couple.
Also in the cute couple department, Whisky Business and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock went off together to pee during beer check. The couple that sprays together, stays together!!
Double-Ohh Positive said he was too drunk to hare the walkers’ trail, but he wasn’t too drunk to take all our money at sign-in.
Violations from the Crowd:
Just Shannon and Just Jess both wore brand new drinking vessels.
Tits for Tots boned up on her language skills by learning how to say “cougar” in Welsh.
Whisky Business claims he’s not gay, but he was waving at dudes like a chorus girl.
Uh-Oh, A Squirty Ho!, despite being a virgin and there being a ton of new, single, female harriettes in attendance, was only talking to dudes all night. That explains so much, no?
Just Shy–look at her name, she needs no other reason to be violated.
Cum Dumpling has more hair on his ass than he does on his head.
Whisky Business chugged 4LOKO but was still jealous of a girl who had boxed wine.
Motor Mouth wore his Hef robe again.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Joe went to Lehigh, the mascot of which is the Mountain Hawks. He now works for a defense contractor, as an engineer and likes Peter Pan and horses. During Just Joe’s freshman year, he was getting head from a girl on the top bunk in his dorm room, she fell off, and the RA came in and investigated him for domestic violence. Maybe that’s why he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 21. That fateful night, or, more accurately, those fateful 3 minutes, Just Joe was dressed as Santa Claus, the girl was dressed as an elf, and he kept his beard on during sex. Damn, and I get annoyed when guys don’t take off their socks. He’s been arrested twice, once for a drunk and disorderly that sent him to the hospital when he got his ass kicked by a parking meter. Just Joe was recently out grabbing random girls’ asses, though I wonder if whoever told that story got the gender mixed up, because Just Joe has also gotten kicked out of Remington’s for taking his shirt off. Finally, Just Joe went looking for a man on craigslist (what’s with all the craigslist this week?) and found St. Pauli Girl.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
Santa Claus is Cumming
Don’t Tase Me, Joe!
We Three Queens
Jolly Old Saint Frick
Never Never Slammed
The Virgin Hairy
Come On Prancer
It was a tough call, but Come On Prancer narrowly won out over Never Never SlammedAfter a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, drank really big beers, and tried to get laid.
The pack circled up on a nice grassy knoll outside of the Takoma Park metro stop.A Red River Runs Through It had deemed the hash his best way to spend his last night of freedom.His fiancé, on the other hand, was not present since she went with the traditional sweaty-guy-rubbing-his-junk-everywhere type of party.Wait a second…
There were plenty of dogs present (I mean the ones with fur on 4 legs and for once am not being chauvinistic…come on, it’s the summer at EWH3!).This was great because Have Fun Storming the Asshole’s pup used her doggie-senses to warn us of the sh!tty trail ahead by, you guessed it, actually taking a sh!t in the middle of the start circle.We thought it was funny at the time.If only we knew…
The pack merrily (yes, merrily) ran through the beautiful streets of Takoma, MD before coming to a beer stop in an alley.Kudos to brew crew, whose spectacular parking job made a really enjoyable bottleneck around Plan B, creating two different beer checks.You got that, virgins…two separate areas to be awkwardly hit on.After drinking we ran some more- hit some false trails, trekked up and down some hills, and then finally came to the end where we were welcomed by Wax On Whacks Off and an 18 pack of Vienna Sausage cans.Can anyone say “processed-meat-juice-shot?!”
Put it Out was in Europe where he said he’d had the best hotdog in his life in Vienna, but he didn’t have to travel all the way across the world to go down on some Vienna Sausage.
Speaking of Vienna Sausage, when most people say they’re bringing an 18-pack they mean beer.Wax On Whacks Off, on the other hand, went with processed meat.
Sphincter Shy was paired in a wedding party with a 15 year-old girl.We don’t know what he was doing exactly, but apparently his dad had to remind him that she was only 15.
Mother May I just came back from OBGYN school where she admitted to “spending a year putting fingers up butts.”
I’ll Push Back and I’ll Packa enhanced their homosexual image by wearing matching Christmas-themed shirts to the hash.
PoPo Disco was overheard telling General’s Farm Animal that she “only wanted the mustache.”
All MisManagement was violated for having a 42-message long e-mail chain on the correct spelling of bukkake.
The Hares were violated since even a dog recognized that it was literally a sh!tty trail.
Wank Like an Egyptian showed up to a hash dressed like an Egyptian Charlie Brown.
Chic’n Fuck’er looked like Lance just out of chemo.
Just ______ showed up wearing new shoes to the hash.Use your imagination as to what happened next.
Blows a Tranny announced that he needs to get away from Bush.
Violations from the Crowd
Roll Over Bitch is having a tough time adjusting to girls swallowing (probably because he’s used to the other gender…)
At one point, Vienna Sausage departed from his usual lumbering pace on trail to an all-out sprint.The logical conclusion?Hiding Jews ahead.
A Red River Runs Through It decided to spend his last night of freedom hanging out with a bunch of sweaty guys- funny because Colleen, his fiancé, was doing the same thing.
There was, of course, a special event before the usual special event: MisManagement deemed it only appropriate that, since A Red River Runs Through It was committing to only one vagina for the rest of his life, we must bukkake him.Or boobcocky?We didn’t know, but a lot of beer was shot in his face nonetheless.And then we got back on track to….a NAMING!
Just Melissa is an accountant.She was a Seminole at Florida State before coming to DC.The meanest thing that she ever did was run over a kid on her bike back in the day.Once, in Atlanta she got drunk off of a latte drink with Jager and then fell over.She lost her V-Card at 18, and has had a certain substance shot in her eye on multiple occasions.She lives with lesbian lovers and is notorious for taking unsuspecting hashers back to her place, where she expects much but gives little in return.She was once in a Fuji Film commercial as a little girl.Seeing as we are EWH3, guess which part of her many stories we chose to run with…
Names:The Goggles!They Do Nothing!
E Pluribus Sploogum
My Eye Captain!
Catcher in the Eye
After little deliberation (I mean, it was dragging on) the hash decided that henceforth and forever more, Just Melissa would be referred to as, you guessed it, Catcher in the Eye!
The beer was cold, the pizza was good, and everybody was happy.
Hares: Hungry Hungry Homo, T!ts for Tots, Konichi [email protected], Just Lauren, y possible Mystery Hare
Virgins: Just Tenley, John, Ian, Rob, Grahm, Dave, Nisha, Dan, Heather, Jessie, Denai (?), Stephanie, Chris, Peter, Fred, Matt, Jeff, Ryan, Elise, Mora, James, Bill, Rebecca, Shabon
Visitors: Wax On Whacks Off from Nigeria, not to be confused with our own WoWo..mainly because this one is a she.
The pack circled up at Van Ness with plenty of time to check out each others’ mustaches.For those hashers that are facial hair challenged, there was also ample time to choose your favorite mustache fake-tattoo, Band-Aid, or take a marker to the face.I’m not speaking from personal experience or anything…mine was totally real…
After a rousing rendition of Cinco de Mustache, the pack ran off and soon found itself in the woods.Darting back and forth across the rocks along a tiny stream with over a hundred mustached people chugging along behind me, I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it felt like crossing into Arizona these days (or out of, who wants to be in Arizona anyway?).As the pack came out of the woods we were greeted by T!ts for Tots and a healthy amount of straight, high-class tequila shots.I’m positive that it was Patron.After the early shot-check the pack ran along for a bit more, lost trail here and there (but can you really lose something that was never laid?Hmmm), and eventually came to the beer check in an alley behind some houses. Rear Protein Injection soon began to sweat, and not because of the heat but because of our location, only to be reassured by the owners of said houses came out to oogle at us, and then drink with us.
There was a second half, but at that point I was preoccupied with trying to plan my attack on the virgins (which, we found out later, 11/13 of the female virgins were single.Note to self: high odds does not ensure success).We ended by the electrical tower, drank, and enjoyed the brief company of a cop.
Blows a Tranny kept talking about pulling things out of his ass, only he wasn’t being figurative, he was being literal.
6 Pigs in a Blanket and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me wore their Tough Mudder t-shirts because they wanted to prove that women can be tough.
On to a different, less funny and more serious type of racist, Just Jade was overheard saying “Kool-Aid check” when we ran by some folk.
The Hares took all the time in the world to draw the cute little mustaches on trail but forgot to actually take the time to lay a good trail.
I’ll Packa wanted to make out with T!ts for Tots’ mustache.Not her, just her mustache.This explains why he was seen leaving Apex last weekend.
Butt Fuck Norris learned that when you wear a race shirt to the hash, you’re a racist, but when you wear your Muay Thai boxing shorts, you’re just gay.
Just Keith, Rob, Andrew, and Eliza painted a huge target on their backs when they decided to simultaneously rock out in their GW cross-country uniforms and make it even more painful for us alumni to associate ourselves with that school.
All the virgins were violated since we could not figure out which hasher blew himself up to get all 72 of them there.
RU-469? attended a donkey-punch class.And I thought there were some things in life that you can’t teach.
General’s Farm Animal offered tequila to virgins, stating “open your mouth and let it fall in.”Just because you say it to them when they’re sober doesn’t make it less creepy when you try it again later.
Just Mike was overheard describing how “the first time was my fault but the other two were consensual.”As long as you’re batting over 500 buddy…
Just Allison was commended for puking and rallying on trail
Rumpleforeskin brought 4 Justs and was subsequently bukkaked.(NOTE TO SELF: when google-ing “bukkake” for spelling purposes, do not be shocked by what comes up)
Violations from the Crowd
Because of their mustaches, we could not tell PoPo Disco and Just Josh apart.
Don’t Ask was the closest thing we had to a Mexican for our Cinco de Mustache hash.
6 Fags wore a fanny pack to the hash filled with candy because he was on a mission to get to 7 Fags.
Whiskey Business was can’t get any but just because he doesn’t grow chest hair doesn’t mean he can go after a priest.
And then, of course, we had a naming!
Just Sam, who looks like a more creepy version of Christopher Walken, went to West Point (Mule) for his undergraduate education and Providence (Friar) for his masters.His favorite sexual position is doggystyle.His dad once walked in on him and his girlfriend, who was on top, and stayed to watch.He once chaperoned a dance and slept with one of his students’ date (clarifications: his student was a male and so the date was supposedly female; said students were in college already).One time he had sex with a girl and then came on her friends’ face.Oh, and he commands a battalion.Wait, what?!?
Lester the Molester
All Over My Face!
Permission to be Nasty, Sir!
2 Girls, 1 Nut
Bay of Pigs
RPI’s Bay of Pigs stole the show, and it was decided that Just Sam become Bay of Pigs.
We ran out of beer.Guapos had good food.
Did anyone else find Betty White oddly attractive on SNL this week?