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EWH3 #592 – WNDC Fail Trail, Virginia Square
Hares: Srsly, all of WNDC: Cunt of the Litter, If I Were A Stiff Man, Cocktuplets, Peter Peter Manhole Eater, My Little Pony, EZ Pass, Can You Rear Me Now, Fluffer No Butther, Chip ‘n’ Fails (sort of)
Brew Crew: The Udder Ho, Shamrock Your Cock
Virgins: Just Kennedy, Jessica, Bill, Matt, Tom, David, Kelly, Olivia, Jill, Erin, Andrew, Cole, Kristin, Anya, Shannon, Eric and James
Visitors: Up Her Alley (Ben Franklin Mob (Philly) H3), Just Braden (Eugene, OR H3), and some chick who didn’t know who she was or where she was from
Analversaries: 69–Fuxedo; 100–Cum of a Preacher’s Hand. If there were any more, I blame the four shots for not writing down what they were.
Ononon: Hunan No. 1
The pack circled up in a field in scenic No Va. We’d decided that namings hadn’t been interesting enough lately, so we brought out the fuzzy handcuffs, to cuff some poor unsuspecting Just to someone who’d get some good dirt out of him or her. We decided that Chip ‘n’ Fails would be a good interrogator, and, much to his chagrin, we cuffed him to Just Joe. After that, we were off. The pack ran towards Ballston, and before we knew it, we reached the first shot check, red bull and vodka in a parking garage. Now that we were chock full of energy, we headed back onto trail. After a minimal amount of shiggy, we got to the second shot check–Firefly. Mmm, tastes like bad decisions. But enough about my weekend. After a brief stretch on the Mt Vernon Trail (or was is the W&OD trail? Virginia confuses me.), we ended up at beer check in another parking garage.
Well hydrated, the pack set off on the second half of trail. In almost no time, we ended up at the third shot check–I don’t know what it was, but it was bright yellow, and it was served behind a truck. Stay classy, WNDC! After that, trail took us to Clarendon, where we found the fourth shot check in a parking garage. Best yet, this shot was 4LOKO!! I think we may have lost Whisky Business and WOWO around there, but fortunately for them, we ran out to Wilson Boulevard, only to double back to the fourth shot check location and end up there.
- Red Vag of Courage was trolling craigslist looking for ads about poop. I think there are more specialized websites if that’s what you’re into, ask Savage Love.
- Chip ‘n’ Fails used a safe word to get out of his handcuffs after all the dirt he could get out of Just Joe was heavy breathing and, “he’s fast.”
- Just Kelly complained about the water crossing, saying, “As if I’m not wet enough already.” No such thing!
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock supplied the hash with fuzzy handcuffs that, despite having a live-in girlfriend, he’d never used. FAIL.
- Just Martina was too horny to wait to pick up guys at the on-on-on and opted for straddling a fencepost instead.
- Imaginary Girlfriend thought Just Martina was a man. Come on, it’s not that dark, and you weren’t that drunk.
- Cum Dumpling needed help putting Icy Hot on his ball sack.
- Peter Peter Manhole Eater was the other kind of racist and confused Fucks Up, Doc? with Have Fun Storming the Asshole. Dude, not all Asians look alike. Not even all Chiwegians look alike.
- I’m Lick James, Bitch! is trying to raise funds for a wounded soldier campaign. Just because you haven’t been getting laid, that doesn’t mean you’re wounded.
- Wax On, Whacks Off and Tit-Ka-Boob wore matching scrubs. Aw, what a cute couple.
- Also in the cute couple department, Whisky Business and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock went off together to pee during beer check. The couple that sprays together, stays together!!
- Double-Ohh Positive said he was too drunk to hare the walkers’ trail, but he wasn’t too drunk to take all our money at sign-in.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Just Shannon and Just Jess both wore brand new drinking vessels.
- Tits for Tots boned up on her language skills by learning how to say “cougar” in Welsh.
- Whisky Business claims he’s not gay, but he was waving at dudes like a chorus girl.
- Uh-Oh, A Squirty Ho!, despite being a virgin and there being a ton of new, single, female harriettes in attendance, was only talking to dudes all night. That explains so much, no?
- Just Shy–look at her name, she needs no other reason to be violated.
- Cum Dumpling has more hair on his ass than he does on his head.
- Whisky Business chugged 4LOKO but was still jealous of a girl who had boxed wine.
- Motor Mouth wore his Hef robe again.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Joe went to Lehigh, the mascot of which is the Mountain Hawks. He now works for a defense contractor, as an engineer and likes Peter Pan and horses. During Just Joe’s freshman year, he was getting head from a girl on the top bunk in his dorm room, she fell off, and the RA came in and investigated him for domestic violence. Maybe that’s why he didn’t lose his virginity until he was 21. That fateful night, or, more accurately, those fateful 3 minutes, Just Joe was dressed as Santa Claus, the girl was dressed as an elf, and he kept his beard on during sex. Damn, and I get annoyed when guys don’t take off their socks. He’s been arrested twice, once for a drunk and disorderly that sent him to the hospital when he got his ass kicked by a parking meter. Just Joe was recently out grabbing random girls’ asses, though I wonder if whoever told that story got the gender mixed up, because Just Joe has also gotten kicked out of Remington’s for taking his shirt off. Finally, Just Joe went looking for a man on craigslist (what’s with all the craigslist this week?) and found St. Pauli Girl.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
- Santa Claus is Cumming
- Don’t Tase Me, Joe!
- We Three Queens
- Jolly Old Saint Frick
- Never Never Slammed
- The Virgin Hairy
- Saint Dickless
- Come On Prancer
It was a tough call, but Come On Prancer narrowly won out over Never Never Slammed After a rousing chorus of “Is Everybody Happy,” we all went to the bar, drank really big beers, and tried to get laid.
Tits for Tots