When: 6:45 PM Thursday May 31st, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!
Where: Waterfront Metro – follow marks to start!
Hares: Poon-apple Juice, Special Head Kid, L’Chymen, Poops I Did It Again, Why Is The Cum Gone?
Virgin: Just Alex
Visitor: Shock My Monkey

Actual footage from trail.

Look, we’re just lucky no one drowned. We called it quits at beer check, drank away our sorrows, and decided to take our namings two by two, male and female each according to their kind.

Just Mike was brought by PSA, a fellow employee of our fine Metro.

He works in quality assurance and confirms that safety checks are, in fact, as much of a myth as we’d suspected. Look, if you weren’t there I’m just going to have to lay it out for you. The dude looks like this:

And lo, he was named What If God Drove Metrobus by Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock.

By the time Just Joanna knelt for her naming, everyone – including her – was prrrreeeettty sloshed. Any incoherence is being blamed on our collective near-drowning. This lovely lass was brought to our fair hash by the sneaky Cheech and Dong, who neglected to give her any sort of warning about the kind of nonsense she was getting into. Speaking of getting into things, she is on record claiming that she loves all of her orifices equally. Her employment is a bit vague… something about social work or consulting and or possibly being a cam girl, and, yanno, we’ve all been there in this gig economy. It turns out she’s a scrapper and might have been an underground cage fighter and/or wrestling pornstar at some point. Inquiries about her early sexual experiences led to the tale of her youth in a North Carolina trailer, being walked in on by the mother of the lucky young man she was riding like a county fair pony. In recognition of her… umm… Southern charm, friendly nature, and down (mobile) homey-ness, she was named Traylor Swift. Props to Why Is the Cum Gone for his extremely bouncy bundle of joy.

On – Wet and Wild – On,
BMC Tiny Dancer

When: 6:45 PM Thursday May 24th, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!
Where: Rosslyn Metro (Dark Star Park) – follow marks to start!
Hares: GeriatricMandering, Head Injury, Colliteral Damage, Quid Pro Blow, and Happy Poo Year
Virgins: Justs Jones, Kara, Blake, Camille, and Nick

It was a beautiful evening in to wander around Virginia and then come back safely to our hideout under the bridge like the trolls we are.

The pack chose a variety of adventures, from silly hats to onesies to “motherfucking science, bitches!”

Meanwhile, our fair city decided to put on a show of being DC af: end circle was accessorized by a hip hop video shoot, a charmingly fresh set of porta-potties, and some swanky old white folks clutching their pearls while leaving the yacht club. Oh DC. Never change.

Despite the lovely weather provided by our all-powerful RA Wait Wait Don’t Fuck Me, adventures on trail did include some notable shenanigans.


Backsnatch took Uno Dos Tres on a long cut that was far more perilous than what she’d signed up for. You can’t do that, dude. Hashers are gullible and will follow strange people into compromising situations. It’s practically our best quality.

Dressed cozily as the Cat in the Hat, Atari 6900 was absolutely the hottest pussy on trail. That hat did need to be stuffed and fluffed to stay up, but it lasted long enough that we were concerned he would hit the four hour mark and need to consult a physician.

The Hares vere admonished that a puke check was not discussed in chalk talk.

Perennial FRBs Free Little Willy and Sphincter Shy muffed a fishook check and managed to scatter and confuse the entire pack. Y’all if you’re gonna go around back, you need to use your words and let people know your plan to get behind them. Otherwise things might go fuckin awry.

It turns out that You Can’t Handle the Poop earns his hash cash modeling for Capital Bikeshare, as his wholesome and friendly visage was spotted beaming down at passers-by from their advertising campaign. It is disconcerting for the scribe to use the word “wholesome” and we are intending to send a sternly worded letter to address this affront to hash standards.

Overheard at the hash, Stain Gretsky would like it to be known that she is “into all things double stuffed.” Note: Stain was the sobe GM. This was not a drunken admission. Ladies and gentlefolk, our fearless leader.

Deetz Nuts, dressed in a magnificent unicorn outfit, was identified by a muggle who delighted their child by exclaiming, “Look honey, it’s a brony!” You were turned in by your fellow wanks. Friendship is tragic.

Tuck Tuck Deuce got the pack lost at every check, but shame on Free Little Willy, who was the one complaining… Willy, you know better than to follow him around. When an old man gets lost you call in a silver alert, you don’t assume he knows where he’s going.

And taking advantage of our adventurous theme, Why Is the Cum Gone shared a fantasy resulted in an open call to any ladies interested in having a scruffy dude eat McNuggets off their naked body. Because he is a gentleman, he will even buy the nuggets.

And to cap off this glorious evening, we had a Naming:

Just Becky was brought to our fair hash by Wank Like An Egyptian.

She’s from Colorado and knows things about architecture. Her sexual patronus is a dolphin, and she once vomited on an entire frat.  Her sexy Disney pantheon includes Aladdin, Gambit, and Han Solo. The dear lass has something of a high-drama relationship with cars, however. One of her more memorable sexual exploits was being caught fucking in a car by a curious Smokey Bear (that’s sneaky code for National Park Ranger). In a probably-not-sexual endeavor, she was also smashed flat by a car which… induced the kind of traumatic brain injury that leads to hanging around with Wank and coming to a hash of mentally unstable reprobates. Due to her cinematic breadth of vehicular experience, she was dubbed Fury Load by her proud papa, You Can’t Handle The Poop. Nobody let her drive Scrotal, mmmkay?

On – Witness Me! – On,

BMC Tiny Dancer

When: 6:45 PM Thursday May 3rd, 2018. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Eastern Market Metro

Hares: Trim Shady, Uno Dos Tres Liftoff, Deathly Swallows, & Please Step Away From The Whores.

Virgins: Justs Lily, Amanda, Ryan, Jess, and Sergei

Visitors: Six From Behind and Naughty Nipple Nurse

Welcum to the May Babies Trail! When you blew those “candles,” what did you wish for?

Was it a check-free, blind-turning, pavement-pounding road race? Oh boy! Did we have the trail for you!

Hash math: If you were born full term in the month of May, you were conceived in the September-October timeframe. You are either an ABC baby or an RDR baby by standard E-dubian calendar reckoning. Having been created under the auspices of this season, you are now obligated to consider whether your aesthetic is more defined by: 1) Ill-fitting thrift store garments of questionable history, or 2) Literal trash duct-taped about your person for minimum legal coverage.

The pack took extraordinary exception to the challenges of this trail, however, in addition to bitching about the Hares, there were indeed some other…


Anal Fission was caught distributing unsolicited dick pics, which is horrifying enough, but this was followed by warning of an attendant choking hazard, which is a level of wishful thinking that is definitely sidling up to the delusional.

Just Joanna was commended for desperately seeking to pay Hash Cash. She was told to find the half naked man and give him money. This was a nice role reversal for the shirtless Cash, Quid Pro Blow.

Why Is the Cum Gone provided such a moving serenade to Atari 6900 that onlookers got misty eyed. Just another magic bromance, of course, but for such a touching moment there was definitely not enough touching. This bit of unwelcome chastity was decried with a scathing, “Do better, gentleman.” The scribe has needs and a very specific pornhub search string.

Tuck Tuck Deuce was commended for fulfilling some else’s very specific search for “Hawaiian shirt pin up fanny pack grandpa”… Rule 34, folks. It’s out there.

And to cap it all off, Mambo Number Hives delivered a live diss freestyle, rhythmically enumerating her many critiques of the Hares, their ancestry, their trail, and their unacknowledged illegitimate offspring with porn stars. It was, as even Pusha T would concede, “savage”.

But what’s this? The May Babies Trail also named its very own baby!
The charming New Orleanian Just Toussaint was brought to our pack of reprobates by the seductive Chip Off The Old Cock. After sussing out his favorite positions (side doggie style), his porn search string (wow, you should have been there, it was hot), we started to get to the good stuff. He regaled us with his adventures in cougar-riding in Southeast Asia, his tragic knack for interrupting young gay trysts, and how he once kissed his Auntie with that mouth. At church. After going down on his ladyfriend that morning. Owing to that amazing moment, he will now and forever be known as Deep South In Your Mouth. The proud mama is, incestuously, Chip Off The Old Cock, who had already taken his virginity.  Hash appropriate family bonding!

On – Maybe Baby – On,

BMC Tiny Dancer