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Hash Trash: EWH3 #590
EWH3 #590- Cinco de Mustache Trail (Van Ness)
Hares: Hungry Hungry Homo, T!ts for Tots, Konichi [email protected], Just Lauren, y possible Mystery Hare
Virgins: Just Tenley, John, Ian, Rob, Grahm, Dave, Nisha, Dan, Heather, Jessie, Denai (?), Stephanie, Chris, Peter, Fred, Matt, Jeff, Ryan, Elise, Mora, James, Bill, Rebecca, Shabon
Visitors: Wax On Whacks Off from Nigeria, not to be confused with our own WoWo..mainly because this one is a she.
Ononon: Guapos
The pack circled up at Van Ness with plenty of time to check out each others’ mustaches. For those hashers that are facial hair challenged, there was also ample time to choose your favorite mustache fake-tattoo, Band-Aid, or take a marker to the face. I’m not speaking from personal experience or anything…mine was totally real…
After a rousing rendition of Cinco de Mustache, the pack ran off and soon found itself in the woods. Darting back and forth across the rocks along a tiny stream with over a hundred mustached people chugging along behind me, I couldn’t help but wonder if this is what it felt like crossing into Arizona these days (or out of, who wants to be in Arizona anyway?). As the pack came out of the woods we were greeted by T!ts for Tots and a healthy amount of straight, high-class tequila shots. I’m positive that it was Patron. After the early shot-check the pack ran along for a bit more, lost trail here and there (but can you really lose something that was never laid? Hmmm), and eventually came to the beer check in an alley behind some houses. Rear Protein Injection soon began to sweat, and not because of the heat but because of our location, only to be reassured by the owners of said houses came out to oogle at us, and then drink with us.
There was a second half, but at that point I was preoccupied with trying to plan my attack on the virgins (which, we found out later, 11/13 of the female virgins were single. Note to self: high odds does not ensure success). We ended by the electrical tower, drank, and enjoyed the brief company of a cop.
Violations
Blows a Tranny kept talking about pulling things out of his ass, only he wasn’t being figurative, he was being literal.
6 Pigs in a Blanket and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me wore their Tough Mudder t-shirts because they wanted to prove that women can be tough.
On to a different, less funny and more serious type of racist, Just Jade was overheard saying “Kool-Aid check” when we ran by some folk.
The Hares took all the time in the world to draw the cute little mustaches on trail but forgot to actually take the time to lay a good trail.
I’ll Packa wanted to make out with T!ts for Tots’ mustache. Not her, just her mustache. This explains why he was seen leaving Apex last weekend.
Butt Fuck Norris learned that when you wear a race shirt to the hash, you’re a racist, but when you wear your Muay Thai boxing shorts, you’re just gay.
Just Keith, Rob, Andrew, and Eliza painted a huge target on their backs when they decided to simultaneously rock out in their GW cross-country uniforms and make it even more painful for us alumni to associate ourselves with that school.
All the virgins were violated since we could not figure out which hasher blew himself up to get all 72 of them there.
RU-469? attended a donkey-punch class. And I thought there were some things in life that you can’t teach.
General’s Farm Animal offered tequila to virgins, stating “open your mouth and let it fall in.” Just because you say it to them when they’re sober doesn’t make it less creepy when you try it again later.
Just Mike was overheard describing how “the first time was my fault but the other two were consensual.” As long as you’re batting over 500 buddy…
Just Allison was commended for puking and rallying on trail
Rumpleforeskin brought 4 Justs and was subsequently bukkaked. (NOTE TO SELF: when google-ing “bukkake” for spelling purposes, do not be shocked by what comes up)
Violations from the Crowd
Because of their mustaches, we could not tell PoPo Disco and Just Josh apart.
Don’t Ask was the closest thing we had to a Mexican for our Cinco de Mustache hash.
6 Fags wore a fanny pack to the hash filled with candy because he was on a mission to get to 7 Fags.
Whiskey Business was can’t get any but just because he doesn’t grow chest hair doesn’t mean he can go after a priest.
And then, of course, we had a naming!
Just Sam, who looks like a more creepy version of Christopher Walken, went to West Point (Mule) for his undergraduate education and Providence (Friar) for his masters. His favorite sexual position is doggystyle. His dad once walked in on him and his girlfriend, who was on top, and stayed to watch. He once chaperoned a dance and slept with one of his students’ date (clarifications: his student was a male and so the date was supposedly female; said students were in college already). One time he had sex with a girl and then came on her friends’ face. Oh, and he commands a battalion. Wait, what?!?
Some names:
Lester the Molester
All Over My Face!
Permission to be Nasty, Sir!
2 Girls, 1 Nut
Double Tap
Bay of Pigs
RPI’s Bay of Pigs stole the show, and it was decided that Just Sam become Bay of Pigs.
We ran out of beer. Guapos had good food.
Did anyone else find Betty White oddly attractive on SNL this week?
-Whiskey Business
Hash Trash: EWH3 #589
EWH3 #589 – Urban Cowboy Trail, Minnesota Avenue
Hares: Gaystation, Red Vag of Courage, Six Pigs in a Blanket, Six Fags, Axl Blows
Brew Crew: JAG Queen, Saskatchewsnatch
Virgins: Just Alice, Clare, Marissa, Michael, Miranda, Sid, Natalie, Alex
Visitors: Chicken Pot Guy (New Orleans H3), Eat My Twat (Sir Walter Raleigh H3–transplant)
Analversaries: 100 runs–Double-Ohh Positive
Ononon: Remingtons
The pack circled up in a field in the middle of the ghetto. The runners’ hares had given Axl Blows a speech to read, but since EWH3 has no attention span whatsoever, he ended up getting a “shots fired” in opening circle. Real smart idea for this neighborhood, kids. After that, we were off. Trail went on and on and on, and we eventually ended up in Anacostia Park. There was a turkey-eagle split right before the river. The turkeys crossed the river over an old, wooden bridge and then climbed around a fence to end up near RKF Stadium. While crossing the river, we saw a beaver–no, not that kind of beaver, get your minds out of the gutter, folks!–an actual beaver, swimming in the river. The eagles had to ford their way across the river and probably caught all kinds of diseases. Use condoms, kids! After that, the pack came back together, ran past the Stadium and through some neighborhoods until we came to the shot check, Sparks in the swanky back yard of a really nice house. There were two guys and a couple of little kids hanging out in the back, and when someone asked, we found out that that’s where Six Fags lives. That explains so much about his name! Once we had some much-needed energy and booze, we ran a few more blocks to a beer check in an alley.
That was already about 4.5 miles, kids! There was a second half for runners, including another beer check, and from what I heard, it was short. But after a surprise ball-buster the week before and a r*ce the previous Sunday, I was a lazy scribe and decided to walk the second half. We ended up in Garfield Park, where we were visited by a “stripper” on a motorcycle, who, fortunately, told us not to make him come back here again, and rode off into the sunset, leaving us to drink more beer.
Violations:
Violations from the Crowd:
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Anne went to Bryn Mawr, a women’s college, where she majored in cunning linguistics. While she was there, she got harassed by lesbians, lost her virginity (yes, to a man) just before graduation, had sex behind the admissions building, kissed her ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend, had a threesome that she doesn’t remember, and danced around a May Pole, which may or may not be a euphemism. Just Anne is into older men and S&M, she likes to be tied up and bent over things. She was once strung up in a doorway with telephone wire. She studied in Jordan for a while, and smuggled goods back into the US. Just Anne doesn’t get embarrassed by anything, but she did walk in on her brother once, which was kind of awkward. She is now a teacher, and all her students know she’s a breeder. Just Anne also peed behind a dumpster after her first hash, but we all know that’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior. Finally, when Just Anne hooked up with a wanker who will not be named, she was so loud that afterwards, the wanker’s condo association made a rule against extremely loud sex in the building.
Nominations that didn’t suck were:
The crowd really liked the S&M angle, so Just Anne was named Safe Word. Then, we all went to the bar, sang karaoke (and what the hell kind of gay karaoke bar has no Lady Gaga? It’d be acceptable at a straight bar, but Remington’s is far from straight), and tried to get laid.
Besos,
Tits for Tots
EWH3 Scribe
EWH3 #590: EWH3# 590 Cinco de Mustache Trail – Thursday, May 6, 2010
Where: Van Ness – UDC – Linea roja. Follow marks to the start and looks for the group of guys who looks like child molestors and the chicks who might possibly have dicks.
When: 6:45 PM, Thursday, May 6, 2010. Pack away at 7:15ish.
Hares: Hungry Hungry Homo, T!ts for Tots, Konichi [email protected], Just Lauren, y possible Mystery Hare
Misc: A-B…Tough dog friendly…”small dogs may drown.” Headlamps and a change of dry shoes are suggested. Possible/probable PI. Grow a mustache. Wear a fake mustache. Draw on a mustache. Who cares…but downing ta-kill-ya is so much classier with a fuzzy worm on your upper lip.
OnOnOn:
Washington, DC
Specials: $5 margaritas, vino, y cervezas. And possible food specials.