BLACK LIVES MATTER
Everyday is Wednesday Hash House Harriers supports racial equality
Everyday is Wednesday Hash House Harriers supports racial equality
EWH3 #547 – Farragut Square
Hares: Cocktuplets, Cunt of the Litter, El Vago Libre, Peas on my Face, Just Alex
Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Hungry Homo, Mannipple Lickter
Virgins: Just: Ross, Andreas, Matt, Sean, Jackie, Rodney, Adam, Sara, Dimple, Adam, Margie, Kristin, Greg
Visitors: Save a Tree, Ride a Cowboy (Boston H3—transplant), Sister Swallow (Baghdad H3—transplant), Breakfast Boobie Trap (Baghdad H3—transplant), Drunk Whisperer (Sir Walter Raleigh H3)
Analversaries: Little Red Ride Me Good—200 hashes
The pack circled up in Farragut Square, named after Admiral Farragut, who said one of my favorite quotations ever, “Damn the torpedoes. Full steam ahead!” Isn’t that pretty much everyone’s M.O. after last call? We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, through a soccer field and around a playground. The pack then threaded its way through a dark alley, where we found Peas on my Face giving out shots of Sparks. We were all energized after that, but it didn’t last too long, as most of the route to the beer check was uphill.
After beer check near a replica of the Spanish Steps, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park and ran on a trail along the creek. Fortunately, given that we weren’t warned that we might need headlamps, long socks, and the like, the trail ran alongside the water instead of going through it. Once we exited the park, it was a short jaunt to the on-in, in another alley, where men loitering near the loading docks leered on.
Violations from the Crowd:
The police came by and weren’t happy about our circle location, but said we only needed to clear the area in front of the loading dock. We relocated to the far end of the alley and then we had a NAMING!
Just Alex was born in Russia, went to University of Oregon, and now works for the Army Material Command as a budget anal-yst. He’s so anal, he laminated the trail maps. He keeps asking his girlfriend, Cunt of the Litter, to do anal with him, but she keeps refusing. Also, he likes bears. And people wonder why EWH3 is the gayest hash around! Just Alex lost his virginity during his junior year in high school, the same year that he went limp after being given a blow job for 20 minutes. For all the mocking we did, maybe it was just a really bad blow job. Like a high school girl would really know what she’s doing down there. He once got body-slammed by a cop into a window outside a Waffle House in Texas. Just Alex has been hospitalized for drunkenness a couple times, and has had to be tied and handcuffed to hospital beds to keep him from ripping the IV out and leaving. Finally, he once made out with a stripper and got his wallet stolen in a cab in Las Vegas. Now, that’s material for a sequel to The Hangover.
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
So many good names, so little time. It was a tough call, but the pack couldn’t resist the combination of limp dicks and music theatre and eventually chose to name Just Alex If I Were a Stiff Man.
The pack was way too rowdy to do a second naming, so instead, we drank more, sang “Jesus Saves,” had a beer fight and much, much later, went to the bar and tried to get laid.
Beer-drenched hugs and kisses,
Tits for Tots
Hares: Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, Brokeback Mama, Meals on Wheels, Rusty Trombone, and 8mm.
Brew Crew: I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just John, Robin, Jill, Brett, Kate, Dwyler, Dion, Marcus and Ben
Visitors: No visitors were stupid enough to run this trail
Analversaries: Marco Homo (Brew Crew Jersey), Uncle Tom’s Stabbin (17), Have Fun Storming the Asshole (17), Rusty Trombone (17) and A-Salt My Ass (69)
OnOnOn: The Ugly Mug
We circled up, performed the normal rituals and then the hares came into the middle to tell us how short, flat, dry and well laid this trail was. They then proceeded to mess up our opening song “Hi, My Name is Joe.” Apparently this song is so complicated for these hares that they can’t remember it, in spite of the fact that we sing it every week!
How the first section of trail was I can’t really say because I zenned most of it with a couple of other hashers that had spotted trail on their way to opening circle. We picked up trail and eventually the FRBs from caught up to us and we rejoined the pack. After running with the pack for less than a mile trail sort of just disappeared. After some aimless wondering by the pack, the harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch!, informed us the shot check was supposed to be near the corrections center and that he was going to lead us there. Many howls of “But that’s 14 blocks away! Can’t you just lead us to beer check?” were heard from many members of the pack.
On our way to the corrections center not a single mark was seen… once we were there we didn’t see any shot check either. RO,B! looked around confused claiming “Well, shot check was supposed to be here!” While we didn’t see any shots we did find a check and proceeded to get back on trail. Eventually we found the shot check (about a half a mile away) and the hares manning it blamed the lack of trail on some freak rain storm… I never saw any rain on trail… just sayin…
While there actually were marks to be found after the shot check, they really weren’t all that useful when it came to following the actual trail… For example at one point we were true-trailed into a BT, which you had to blow through in order to pick up trail again. Yeah that made sense… In spite of everything most of the pack did actually make it to the beer check, although from the stories I heard I don’t think ANYONE (other than, maybe, the hares) accomplished this feat by actually following trail!
The trail from beer check to the end was less eventful. Of course I pretty much followed Presidential Nasty into the end who may or may not have actually been following trail, so what the fuck do I know? Now onto the details:
Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)
Just Vicki went to school at James Madison University, home of the Dukes. She was finance major who is currently unemployed. (Upon hearing Just Vicki’s employment status the crowd cheered.) Her favorite farmyard animal is the rabbit and her favorite sexual position is ‘reverse wheelbarrow.’ After some discussion within the circle it was determined that reverse wheelbarrow was a lot like regular wheelbarrow except that the girl is facing the ceiling instead of the floor.
When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Vicki told us about the time she burned her ass on the dryer while having a threesome with her roommate and some guy in the laundry room. In another story her and a guy she was with were interrupted during sex when another couple walked in naked wanting to join them. (According to Just Vicki this other couple was turned down.) When someone in crowd asked how often she gets propositioned for group sex, Just Vicki replied “Isn’t that just another Monday?”
Just Vicki can’t read (go JMU!) and therefore doesn’t have any favorite authors. She had no idea what the meanest thing she had ever done was either. We did learn that she gave her first blow job at the age of 16 and that her current roommate is sleeping with a married guy.
The crowd came up with the following nominations for Just Vicki:
The laundry theme was strong and at the end Just Vicki was christened Swing Cycle in reference to her burned ass and her apparent commitment to a non-monogamous lifestyle. We broke circle, went to ononon, drank and tried to get laid. Was everybody happy? You bet your ass we were.
Until next time…
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 #545 – The Jorts Association of Arlington Hash, Pentagon City
Hares: Cum and Knock on my Back Door, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Silly Gay Virus, Put It Out (aka Father Time)
Brew Crew: Brokeback Mama, Marco Homo
Virgins: Just: Adrian, Amanda B, Amanda J, Chris, David, Derek, Heidi, Jacob, Jamie, Jason, Jennifer F, Jennifer T, Jillian, Kelly, Laura, Mai, Megan, Melinda, Michael, Partin, Tony, Trevor, William
Visitors: Tiger Woody (Azerbaijan H3), Beaker Stroker, Just Timothy Silly
Analversaries: Dyke Tyson—69 hashes
Ononon: Tortoise and Hare
The pack gathered in a field just past Pentagon City Mall, after getting in on the pickup soccer games going on. We were all supposed to wear jorts, but since someone didn’t mention in the trail news that there was a theme, pretty much the only people wearing jorts were the hares, so they looked even gayer than usual. We proceeded on a long, circuitous route through Arlington. I would tell you about the trail, but I can’t tell you. That part of Arlington around Pentagon City, Crystal City, and points slightly south all looks the same to me—too many gray office buildings with high walls. It was basically, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, and so on. That is, until we came right back to Pentagon City Mall, and had to go through it and come out the other side. Some people may have gone in through the Metro or the Nordstrom entrance, but a few of us decided to run through the Ritz-Carlton. All the miles of running on and through hot, grey concrete were worth it just to feel that sweet, sweet air conditioning in the hotel and mall, and to see the looks on the hotel guests’ faces as we thundered by. Scaring rich people is my favorite hobby, don’t ya know. Not long after that, we found ourselves at the first beer check, in a secluded grassy area.
We took off rather quickly, ran up and down some hills, until we got to the base of a long, steep hill, which most people would normally walk up. However, there was a pretty good incentive to run: Jello shots. And no wimpy vodka jello shots on this trail; nope, these jello shots were made with bourbon. Tasty, tasty bourbon. WIN. All liquored up, we made our way to a big house in South Arlington, home of three of the hares, where we had yet another beer check. This beer check didn’t just have beer—it had a slip ‘n’ slide. Best. Trail. Ever. (Well, best trail that doesn’t involve Marion Barry, anyway.) After many many turns on the slip ‘n’ slide, the pack, soaking wet and covered in baby oil, headed back north towards Crystal City, past 395, and to the on-in, under some railroad tracks to drink again, some more.
Violations from the Crowd:
Then we had a NAMING!
Just Kate hails from Oakland, CA, and attended Georgetown University, where she studied Middle East history. She currently raises funds for the American Geophysical Foundation, but is about to start a new job as an administrative contractor at the Pentagon. Just Kate lost her virginity at age 16 in her bedroom, to her high school boyfriend. She has since had sex in a yellow Volkswagen Beetle with a flower on the dashboard, been caught shagging by US Park Police, who told her then-paramour to “give her four walls and a roof,” and turned multiple boyfriends gay. Just Kate likes it rough, and her favorite position is something called, “ankles to ears.” She is currently dating Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, so expect him to come out of the closet imminently.
Someone suggested “High Noon,” which didn’t receive all that enthusiastic of a reception, but then another wanker nominated Ankles Away, and the crowd went so wild, we didn’t need to hear any more. Game over!
That naming went so quickly that we were going to name another Just, but he’d disappeared, so we went to the on-on-on, drank more beer, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid… which, come to think of it, may not go so well with karaoke.
Tits for Tots