• Gaystation was secretly going to audition to be a Redskinette, but revealed his plans by making up cheers for Sphincter Shy while on trail.• General’s Farm Animal wiped out while trying to spank a hot, young, female Just, and ended up with a faceful of curb instead of a handful of ass.• Eat Your Vegetables was reading Runners’ World on the Metro on the way to the hash. He’d have been better off reading Playgirl.• The hares teased the pack by taking us through so much Catholic property without anyone seeing any naughty Catholic schoolgirls. They were probably so busy being blown by altar boys that they forgot that the rest of us have needs too!• Gaystation came out of nowhere to the hash—just like he does in bed.• Cocktuplets loudly proclaimed that she smells like Gaystation. Is that really something to be proud of?• Dial F and You’re A Pee’n Swallow turned out to be cousins, so they’re moving to North Carolina so they can continue to legally celebrate their love.• Spincter Shy is so shy about his sphincter that he can’t find it with two hands and a flashlight, as evidenced by his passing the walkers three times while looking for beer check.• Chippen Fails failed at bukkake—you’re supposed to have many men squirting liquid on one woman, not one man throwing powder on many women.• Cum Dumpling thinks he’s Dick Tracy; he kept checking his talking GPS watch to see how far he’d gone.• Just Jill got meat juice on her arm, instead of in her mouth, where it belongs.• Gaystation combined auto-hashing, safety third, and sex on trail by running backwards into a car and falling onto it with his legs all splayed out, ready for action.• The hares brought obnoxious noisemakers, the kind you pull out and blow on every New Year’s Eve, into circle. Couldn’t they find anything better to put in their mouths. On second thought, Chippen Fails shouldn’t answer that.
• Tar Squeal was so raceist, she didn’t even stop at beer check.• Popo Disco didn’t bring Marion Barry to the hash.• Red Vag of Courage had a huge bruise on her lower back, obtained in a tragic doggy style accident.• Chippen Fails failed again: He hit on a Catholic schoolgirl while scouting trail, but couldn’t make her come.• Popo Disco refused to drink beer because she’s on the South Beach Diet. Semen, however, is totally permitted; it’s high in protein and low in carbs.• I Manual Cunt thought we were running the Miami Vice trail and came to end circle dressed like Sonny Crockett.• Cute Lesbian In Training not only looks like she’s 12 years old; she alsowears a 12-year-old’s bikini.• Cocky recruited Cock Your Suck I Will to bang other women, oops, I mean to play rugby.• Popo Disco is getting her tattoos lasered off: You can erase your exhusband’s name, but you can’t laser off the trashy.• I Manual Cunt impaled himself on a big pole and won his very own Darwin Award. Survival of the fittest, yo.
Hares: Fucks Up, Doc?, Low Pressure Front, Just May and Just Jonathan
Brew Crew: Red Vag of Courage, Sphincter Shy
Virgins: Just Radha, Jordan, Michael, Sam, Ben, Mason, Joel, Liz, Kate, Vickie, April, Rachel, Chris, Eddie, Melody, Tom, Jenny, Laura, Nate, Jill, Abby and Thomas
Visitors: Rumple Foreskin (Stuttgart) and Bitch On Bitch On Bitch (Puerto Rico)
Analversaries: A Red River Runs Through It (200), Late Nigh Drive Through (169), Can’t Get Beaver (169), Blows a Tranny (100), Do Me Howser (100), Cum of a Preacher’s Hand (69), ChippenFails (17) and I Manual Cunt (17)
We circled up in the memorial in front of the metro entrance and began the opening festivities. Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, our GM for the evening, tried introducing us to the virgins and visitors but needed some help since he had lost his voice. (I hear that performing too much fellatio can do that to you.) Hair Cuntery was enlisted to act as Haystack’s “stunt voice,” because when you need something voiced for you it’s always a good idea use some wanker with a speech impediment! After suffering through the introductions, the crowd was informed that there would be two shot checks and one beer check on this crappy trail.
The trail was mostly urban running with the standard array of urban shiggy for the U St neighborhood: garbage, dark alleys, homeless people, dirty needles, etc, etc. The first shot check came pretty quickly but was also placed in such a way that 80% of the pack totally missed it. That 80% of the pack were the lucky ones however, because the shot tasted like rail tequila and must have been cut with syrup of ipecac. Now I’m a seasoned hasher. I’ve partaken in hundreds of shots on trail. Most of them undoubtedly made with the cheapest booze that money can buy, and never has a single shot gotten me so sick! I felt like retching well into the second half of the run. (Incidentally, I would like to thank our hash flash, Edgar Allan Ho, for following me into alleys so she could document my misery, and my dry heaves, for posterity. EAH your love is like ice cream… laced with cyanide.)
Even with my nausea I was able collect numerous accounts of hashers being stupid on trail during the beer check. I was also able to keep my beer down despite my best efforts and sincere desire to evacuate the entire contents of my stomach.
The last part of trail was more urban shiggy and included the worst smelling alley I have ever encountered. Really, the stench was unbelievable. It was what I would imagine rotting goat bowels might smell like. The second shot check was some red concoction that must have contained the antidote to whatever the hares laced the first shot with, because shortly after taking it I felt 100% better!
Eventually we made it to the on-in, circled up and proceeded with the usual debauchery. As a bonus the hash gods blessed us with an impromptu wet t-shirt contest shortly after end circle began! Now onto the details…
• Gorillas in the Fist was at her third “last” DC hash in row. She drank for having more farewell tours than the Rolling Stones.
• Doesn’t Pull Out loudly declared that he hated vagina before opening circle. (Well maybe he declared that he hated Red Vag of Courage but she has a vagina so same difference, right?)
• Cute Lesbian In Training’s running shorts had some white stains on the butt. She claimed that the stains were paint, but I’m guessing that DPO was too drunk to remember that he needs to take her shorts off BEFORE having sex.
• Silver Spooge was concerned that his running skirt wasn’t straight. Silver, wondering whether or not your skirt is straight is kind of putting the cart in front of the horse isn’t it?
• Just Zora came to the hash wearing a pearl necklace. We had to explain to her that a pearl necklace is not something you buy. It is something you are given, after the hash!
• Edgar Allan Ho was wearing a running shirt that had a pocket between her breasts that she used to store her camera. A bunch of wankers though it looked like a third boob and we violated her for impersonating a marginal character from that sci-fi classic, Total Recall.
• I Manual Cunt thought he was going to lucky that night. He was caught doing kegel exercises, err stretching on trail.
• Floral Sex was bragging about how tight her own ass was on trail.
• Mayonnaise on the Pooper drank for not explaining to her virgin, Just Rachel, that wearing new shoes to the hash is a no-no. (Don’t blame the kids, blame the parents!)
Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!
Just Jonathan (one of the hares of this “wonderful” trail) was chosen to be named. At this point the rain was coming down pretty hard and my scribe notes are pretty smudgy. So the following facts we learned about Just Jonathan may or may not actually be factual.
Just Jonathan went to college at the Fashion Institute of Technology. He now works for hedge fund and as a personal trainer. He lost his virginity at 15 and his embarrassing sexual moment was being caught doing it in the National Cathedral pool, after which he had to escape being caught by running down the street naked. He is huge fan of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Apparently, he has even mopped up blood at mixed martial arts events and has suffered a contusion of his coccyx fighting martial arts. His favorite submission hold is the rear naked choke.
According to his better half he owns way more hair products than any straight man should. When asked for an embarrassing story about Just Jonathan she told us about the first time they had sex: upon returning from the bathroom to freshen up Just Jonathan was already going to town on himself.
Armed with this information the crowd made the following nominations:
• Bloody Butt Plug
• Total Kock Obsession (TKO)
• MM Gay
• Jizz Mopper
• Menstrual Blood Sport
• Bruce Me
• Choke Hold
• Buttfuck Norris
Bruce me and Menstrual Blood Sport had a lot of crowd support, in the end though Buttfuck Norris won out as Just Jonathan’s new name. Goodbye Just Jonathan, hello Buttfuck Norris.
We escaped the rain, went to the Ononon, drank our faces off and tried to get laid. (What else is new?)
Until next time…
Rear Protein Injection