EWH3 #588- The Forest Glen Trail


Hares: PutItOut, BrokeBackMama, CoXXXonDemand, Just Joe, and Just Anne


Virgins: Lost that sheet in ensuing debauchery, but I do recall a virgin who stated that she was “extremely single.”  Probably better to have not lost her name…


Visitors: See above.


Ononon: Quarry House Tavern




Due to poor planning and the awesome traffic in the DMV, I showed up with Wax On, Whacks Off at a more depressing than usual Forest Glen Metro stop, as a great big group of wankers had already hit the trail.  Though not there, I can imagine it was something like this – PutItOut double and triple checking the trail map despite the fact that he has hared this same trail multiple times (the memory may be going…), hashers commenting on their epic treks out there (the start was 200 meters outside of the beltway), virgins looking around nervously for the Washington monument or any other sign that they weren’t about to get led into the woods for the world’s largest recreation of a certain scene from Deliverance.  You know, the one with the banjoes…perverts.


Relying on WoWo’s excellent ability to shortcut, we wound up at the first beer check before the runners.  There were cans of beer and champagne lying around, with a few 4loko mixed in.  This may have been the first time 4loko was in Maryland, but hopefully not the last.  It’s a movement and it’s spreading.  The second leg took us through some fun, quick trail running, where it was great to have a headlamp.  Read: When PIO says bring a headlamp, BRING A HEADLAMP.  The second beer check was held along some abandoned railroad lines (I assume they were abandoned, but maybe all of MD looks like that when you’re that far out).  After more trail running, blowing past some confused diners out for a nice meal, knocking over civilians (We’ll get to that later), and going up wrong parking garages, we ended in an alley off Georgia Avenue in Silver Spring.  They didn’t say A-Z for nothing, kids.


We drank, sang songs, and tried our best to say offensive things without offending people:



Just Mary , who came to the hash sporting dreads and multiple piercings, has obviously made a lot of poor decisions in her life, except for sleeping with Mannipple Lickter.  In due time.


The Hares only brought 2 cans of 4loko.  Didn’t they know that when you go to 7-11 you always have to buy a whole case?


Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock decided that complaining about dry and itchy skin to a girl was a good way to get her attention- and give her a heads up that he has Chlamydia.


Sphincter Shy sent an email to his workers from his hash account.  Just because it is sphincter.shy does not make professional.


Cutting Class was so sweaty (How sweaty was he?) that he was the sweatiest Columbian outside of a customs line.


PutItOut informed this scribe that he had been “Oreo-d,” you know, when someone throws an Oreo in your beer and you have to chug it and eat the Oreo.  But there was no Oreo at the bottom.  Blasphemy. 


Clappy Birthday showed up to the hash dressed like a reject from a Mad Max Movie.


Hungry Hungry Homo complained that he cannot fit a whole Whopper into his hand.  If he struggles with that much meat, then how does he get through his many lonely nights?


Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho was overheard saying that he was afraid of dark holes- well no shit, how else do you explain the V-card??


Just Ian was worried that we were violating personal property on trail.  Obviously this concern shows that he has never been laid.


C.L.I.T. was worried that the trail was going to ruin her pedicure.  Little did she know that some guys were lined up to ruin her bikini wax.


I Manual Cunt was congratulated on being back at the hash.  Now he can annoy us in person as much as he does on Digby’s!


Just Amy fell into the sewer water, so this was a heads-up to any guy lucky (?) enough to take her home- MAKE SURE SHE SHOWERS.


Wank Like an Egyptian had the night’s most desperate game when he logically concluded that since taxis pick up women, he should just stand in the taxi line to pick up women.


Gaystation wanted to win all three legs so badly that he knocked over a poor old woman trying to get up some stairs.


Just Rebecca bit Vienna Sausage’s hand a couple of hashes ago.  She should know that when we say sausage, we’re not referring to his fingers.


Violations from the Crowd


Come on, you guys remember what happened, don’t you?  Two rounds of violaters being brought in the circle because of crickets?  Shape up!  Though Manniple Lichter was appropriately violated for knocking over all of the orange food and Oreos.


And then it was time for that thing we call a NAMING!


Just Mike went to American University.  He was 20 when he lost his virginity (yikes!).  His favorite Disney character to masturbate to is the one from the mermaid movie.  You know, the Little Mermaid.  His most embarrassing sexual moment was when he was drunk and having sex with his girlfriend, Mile High Snub.  Wait, there’s more. 


When he was done he want to go take his condom off (their condom?) but could not find it.  Using his power skills of deduction, he decided to look in the only place imaginable- her vagina.  This was really our focus on the naming, and some possible names were:


Power Bottom

Small Wonder


Little Mermade Me Cum

Under the Semen


After much deliberation and voting, it was decided that Just Mike now be referred to as Under the Semen!


The hash finished up beer and went on for more beer over at the QHT in the form of PBR tall boys.  Oh, and about those tater tots….



Yours truly,

Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #587 – Tunnel Recovery Trail, Foggy Bottom

HaresUnderground Railroad, Cock-a-Doodle-Me, Pittsburgh Kneeler, Felon DeGeneres, and Brokeback Mama

Brew Crew:  Mannipple Lickter, Roll Over, Bitch!

Virgins:  Just Ben, Phil, Stephanie, Chuck, Scott, Vicki, Dave, Chris, Matt, Andrew, Rob, Jeremy, Eliza, Dagny, Erin, Elizabeth, Lisa, Keeley, Clare, Eva, Kate, Christina, Kevin, Mitchell, Rachel, Sam, Alex, and Stan

Visitors:  Cherry Peddler (Samurai H3), Garden of Beatin’ (Bloomiongton, IN H3), Ho White and the 7 Dwarfs (Anchorage H3)

Ononon:  Recessions


After last week, for the first time ever on a Thursday, the whole entire pack did NOT want to get wet.  Fortunately, the hares were much obliging:  Instead of getting us wet, they took us around every dorm, frat and sorority house on GW campus… which, come to think of it…  After that, the pack headed toward the Kennedy Center, ran through the Watergate, and down to the Georgetown Waterfront, where the trail pretty much disappeared.  After a lot of back checks, bad trails, no trails, and FAILs in general, we finally picked up trail again, and ended up at the beer check near P Street Beach.  Unfortunately, the police were already there.  The pack backed into some trees nearby, people filled up pitchers from Plan B and passed them back to the crowd, but a lot of people weren’t getting any beer that way due to the crowd.  Now, that’s not the kind of dry that I want to be at a hash.  Fortunately, a few resourceful souls went to a liquor store, got a few cases of beer, and some of us had our own beer check underneath a weeping willow.  WIN.   

Being one of the 10 people who helped down a case of Natty Light at the DIY beer check, second half of trail is a wee bit blurry.  It was short, and we ended up downtown in an alley.  We didn’t circle up there, though.  No, we got our bags, headed into Recessions, a basement bar with really low ceilings, and had end circle there.  At least the hash was kind enough to buy us each a big beer, seriously, those mugs are the size of my whole torso. 



  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock not only got a new dude magnet, er, dog, Hoover, he named him after something that’s very good at sucking.
  • Keyless Entry thanked 3-2-1-Fuck Off for dressing her.  Shouldn’t he be doing the opposite?
  • Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho! didn’t remember his own name.  Dude, isn’t it supposed to be other people’s names you forget, later on?
  • Just Greg and John 3:69 both wore brand new drinking vessels.
  • A Salt My Ass got lost when he left the GMU campus and ended up finding the hash.
  • The hares, because I want my $5.  Five dollars.  It’s like Better Off Dead, but with inflation.
  • I’ll Packa wasn’t getting enough attention from And I’ll Push Back so he took a shot in the eye from Just Brian.
  • Spinal Tap:  We didn’t know Harry Caray had a long-lost twin.
  • Brew Crew parked Plan B in spot #70 at beer check, even though 69 was open.
  • Just Andrew had phone sex on trail– wait, no, he was just calling his mom to tell her he was ok. 
  • I’ll Packa and Just Katy were holding hands on trail.  This is a hash, not a Lifetime Original Movie, y’all!
  • Shetland Blow Me and Just Kristin had sex at beer check instead of doing it on trail like everyone else does.
  • Tony Panda swallowed too much.
  • Whiskey Business tried to shotgun a beer, and gagged because it was too big, and it erupted all over his face like an Icelandic volcano.
  • Just Cynthia was wearing a t-shirt that said, “UCLA.”  Just Julie was wearing one that said “Fuck UCLA.”  They should re-enact that in circle for the pack, no?
  • Just Mary wanted to rename Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho! “Pretty Pretty Princess,” showing that she already knows what EWH3 is really all about.  On a side note, Uh-Oh, your sash abnd tiara will be ready soon.
  • And finally, Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho! (yup, again–it’s like he’s trying to be the new Topher) complained about his wrists hurting from holding my beer.  Funny, I’d have thought his wrists were in plenty good shape.


Violations from the Crowd:

  • Whiskey Business didn’t finish his down-down beer, and it didn’t end up on him, either.
  • Uh-Oh! A Squirty Ho! got called out by Monday, Sticky Monday for flirting with the scribe.  For the record, Monday was not referring to me, but to Whiskey Business.
  • An Inconvenient Poop thought she was in Panama in the 1940s, at least judging by her hat.
  • Poke an Eye Out turned down a shot.

We didn’t do a naming due to being indoors, so instead we just all drank more giant mugs of beer and tried to get laid.


Grosses baises,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #586The 6 Pigs can’t find Hungry Hungry Homos eating Veggies inside Haystack Trail, Ballston

Hares: Eat your Vegetables, Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, 6 Pigs in a Blanket, Hungry Hungry Homo, and a mystery hare?

Misc: Dog-friendly, and absolutely no need to bring a headlamp, dry clothes, or swimmies…oh wait…

Virgins: Were there*

Visitors: Were there*

Ononon: Caribbean Breeze/First Down/Warm Shower

*Come on, I’m a bit rusty at this!


It was a Thursday, so of course I was happy.  I mean, it’s the hash right?  Could anything bad happen?  Even not-getting-laid can still be a good hash- trust me, I know from personal experience.  Each week.  So I grabbed my bags, logged out of Weather.com, and headed over to Ballston, where dreams come true.

The pack circled in a courtyard just across the street from the Ballston metro and took off to the Custis Trail.  It was a pretty straight straightaway, which was nice of the hares, since I’m sure everyone in the hash is training for a 10k.  Thanks guys! 

But there had to be some other reason for this trail, which we of course came to eventually- a tunnel!  After a couple hundred yards (I think- does anyone know?  Bueller?) it began to sound like a gigantic toilet began to continually flush over our heads.  And then the water began to rise.  So look, I’m not going to belabor the point- it sucked, people were and still may be mad, but you have to admit, how freaked out must the people on that street have been when 60-some people came flooding (PUN!) out of the manholes?  Anyway…

The pack had a beer/buddy check and then it was another straightaway to that other Ballston parking garage that is not Washington and Lee High School.  So far as I know, everyone survived DisasterHashFloodofDoom ’10.





Mannipple Lickter admitted that he has never been punched in the face before, so the hash being full of drunk assholes should be a good place to get that taken care of.


Eat Your Vegetables told another hasher beforehand that “you’re going to hate this trail.”  No sh*t!


Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock made a detour on trail to ChippenFails’ rugby friends’ house where he “left his bag.”


Cock Strikes 12 and his wife wore “Just” and “Married” shirts.  There really wasn’t much there, I was just annoyed that I had to face the fact that I am a drunk asshole who may be lonely his entire life.  Awkward…


CoXXX on Demand came out of the manhole looking like he was in a mudbath, confirming that he is a metrosexual.


SWAB had to actually stop and think when I asked him if he had fingered a dead hooker.


We all felt like sewer rats after that tunnel, but Cum Dumpling was the only one to fully embrace the look. 


Just Collin stated that that was the longest tunnel he’s ever been, then immediately mentioned to Tits for Tots that he had seen her naked, making me wonder what he meant when he said tunnel…


After sitting on Haystack-ass stained ice, 6 Pigs in a Blanket managed to have the most undesirable vagina at the hash.


Butt Fuck Norris and My Little Pony had essential technology on trail and were rewarded with beer!



Violations from the Crowd


Happened, but it was loud (HASH HUSH!) and my pen ran dry….



And then it was time for that thing we call a NAMING!


Just Collin went to the George Washington University where he studied foreign policy.  He now continues to work with the University, clinging onto the dream and hitting on underclasswomen.  Just Collin’s favorite Disney movie was the Lion King because he wants to have sex with Nola.  Yes, that’s Disney beastiality if you were wondering.  Just Collin said his most embarrassing sexual experience was a bout of premature ejaculation, followed by a boner walk across a party to the bathroom.  He was then reminded of the time that he went down on a girl his freshman year who proceeded to shoot her own load at his mouth.  At least both stories have a common theme.  Oh yea, and he’s still a virgin (sorry buddy).



Fun Naming Suggestions:


  • Chester Cupperbutt
  • Sprayed and Neutered
  • Ohno
  • Lickedy Spigot’s Series of Unfortunate Events




  • Uhoh! A Squirty Hoe!


After much deliberation and yelling, it was decided that Just Collin would become Uhoh! A Squirty Hoe!  Now about that V-card….



We sang, drank, and tried to hit on young professionals at the bar.


And I’m back to doing my job!


Whiskey Business

EWH3 Scribe