EWH3 #582 – The Original Jackass Birthday Trail: An ode to Johnny Knoxville (and jorts)


Hares: Put It Out, WaxOnWhacksOff, Whiskey Business, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Snatch to the Future

Where: Virginia Sq. / GMU

When: March 11, 2010

Brew Crew: Brokeback Mama and Cum Dumpling

Virgins: Just Amber, Just Mary, another Just Mary, Just Kate, Just Aaron, Just Lisa, Just Doug, Just Matt, Just Demi, Just Joe, Just Shelly

Visitor: Cherry Peddler (Japan)


              Being one of the first warm weather hashes of the year, a significant number of mostly sex-depraved hashers descended upon the VA Sq. metro, looking for a run, and hopefully a piece of ass later on in the evening. Most got the first part. The second? Not so much. The walkers got neither. Weird.


              With the EWH3 hareline truly receding (read: sign up to hare a trail, you lazy bastards!), two veteran hashers stepped in to save the day (PIO and WoWo) and they pulled in the only (piece of) asses they could get their hands on: the newly re-named Whiskey Business (the douchebag formerly known as Cum and Knock on My Back Door) and PeeWee’s Little Adventure. And just because they could, they decided to lay their trail wearing Jorts. The only thing more pathetic than that was the TRUE fact (hand to God) that Whiskey Business, in order to join the kewl kids wearing frayed and totally not gay jean shorts, bought his roommate Subway if he promised to bring WB his jorts to run in. Really, you’ll pay someone else $5 to run around North Arlington wearing jorts? How much would you pay someone to kick you in the balls? Abuse is abuse, that’s all I’m saying’…


              Trail was interesting, where we looped around the metro a couple times. We also passed some interesting sites. One of the restaurants we passed on trail was aptly named “PIO.” And did anyone notice that every time we crossed Wilson Blvd., it was next to a Mexican joint? This was also appropriate, cause after passing the last one, the trail quickly turned into shit.


              We circled up on the Ballston parking deck, and then the fun began. First and foremost, I would like to apologize for the absolute scathing violations that I meted out to some people. But it’s not my fault you all suck at life. Onto your violations:


·       The Hares: With PIO and WoWo haring with Whiskey Business and PeeWee’s Little Adventure, the hash had a distinct “Fathers Take Their Sons to the Hash” feel to it.

·       Big Dig was complaining that her pre-hash meal wasn’t enough to hold her over. Apparently St. Pauli’s Girl didn’t give her enough throat yogurt before the start.

·       Roll over, Bitch! refused to cross the street with oncoming traffic, stating that, “I want to live.” Dude, you live alone with 2 cats, have no girlfriend, and play video games all day. What exactly do you have to live for?!

·       Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me stated earlier in the day that she wanted to dip little babies in maple syrup and eat them. Um, that’s just fucked up. Even for us.

·       Sphincter Shy was overheard saying “it’s all over my chest and I can’t get it off.” He was apparently speaking about his ex-girlfriend.

·       Just Sarah had on a nice set of pearl earrings. For a couple beers at the bar and a shot of 4 Loko, I can give you the necklace to match.

·       PIO’s jorts were the best (if you can actually RANK jorts) with the perfect length, frays and holes in the leggings… AC Slater called. He wants his look back.

·       Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock is currently engaged in a “pussy finding” contest with his poofter dog, Jizzmo. Apparently, things are going so badly for TTLC that he had Jizzmo neutered. UPDATE: Jizzmo humped 3 legs Thursday. TTLC humped his right hand.

·       Gaystation was wearing a 70s wife beater, 70s cargo shorts while sporting a 70s haircut and chin-strip facial hair. He looked like an episode of Welcome Back, Kotter on acid.

·       At the beer check, which was 3 houses away from St. Pauli’s Girl’s house, Big Dig thought that it would be a good idea to go to his place, have a couple of SPG’s homemade beer and then drive to end circle. Who the hell do you think you are, Please Step Away from the Whores?

·       It wasn’t even that hot out, but Sphincter Shy decided that he was going to run shirtless. With his gruff facial features and hairy chest, he looked just like Tom Selleck in Magmum PI, but without all that “cool, sexy, studly, every-girl-wants-to-bang-me” baggage.

·       PIO conveniently ran trail past his own “PIO” restaurant, but neglected to run us by the “PIO Walk of Shame.”

·       Pining over some girl, Whiskey Business told me that he was looking forward to a plate of all you can eat wings at the OnOnOn… unless said girl showed up, in which case she can have a plate full of his heart. Dude, we almost re-named something with a direct reference to syphilis. I think she’d be better off with a plate full of amoxicillin.

·       I’ll Push Backa was seen in ending circle with a nifty little Ziploc bag of trail mix that he brought from home. That’s cute… did your mother pack your lunchbox that day, too?

·       Vienna Sausage, immediately after leaving beer check, ran headfirst into one of those wooden gates that block exits to parking garages. Germans are stupid.

·       Gaystation had a nice little dew rag hanging out of his back pocket on trail. He’s also been hanging around Dupont a lot lately. We know that the rag means… it hurts you to sit down lately, doesn’t it?


We then turned things around, completely mixed up your typical EWH3 circle, and ended with… well. We all know the drill.


Here’s what was discovered about Just Barney:

He was brought to the hash by Obeastiologist, and it was noted that this was the first time OB got anything or anyone at the hash to cum. He went to the University of Rochester for undergrad, and went to grad school at the University of Delaware. He presently works at the NIH as a psychologist. His favorite farm animal is the milk cow, because he claims that they have big teets. His favorite position is reverse cowgirl. He lost his virginity on the playground of the elementary school that he went to as a child (last week seems SO long ago). His most embarrassing sexual moment was when he was given a hand job (presumably by some dude) wearing a handful of rings. It was so painful that it destroyed most of his foreskin. Seriously dude? It’s ok to say, “No, stop, MY DICK IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY!! Just Barney is married, and (how cute) they have identical tattoos. Except that they didn’t get them together. She had hers before they met, and Mr. Originality over here decided to show his dedication to her and her past by getting the same one. Ah, a permanent reminder of something you don’t understand because you weren’t there… He was truly embarrassed when he was at the airport going through security when his luggage started buzzing. The bags were flagged by security, but fear not, no bomb… it was just his wife’s vibrator. And finally, the meanest thing he ever did to someone was when he threw a meat cleaver at his younger brother.


Suggested names:


K through a Fifth

And How Don’t I Make You Feel?

Sword of the Rings

Beaver Cleaver


Since none of those names made any goddamn sense, we went with the obvious: Homeland Insecurity. Welcome to the club, d-bag!!


We all then went to the OnOnOn, First Down. It was cool, cheap beers, kick-ass buffalo wings (or so I’m told, a certain someone forgot to order mine!!), and good times. I don’t know what the rest of you all did, but I went home and got laid.




Assflac, stunt-scribe and asshole-extraordinaire




EWH3 #581 – Rosslyn

HaresUnderground Railroad, Monday Sticky Monday, Duck Job, Me Likee-Lickee-Caca

Brew Crew:  Red Vag of Courage, The Udder Ho

Virgin:  Just John

Visitor:  Peg Leg (Second City H3), Cock Master (Jacksonville H3)

Analversaries:  17 runs–Axel Blows; 69 runs–Sphincter Shy, Gaystation; 100 runs–Duck Job; 169 runs–Obeastiologist, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me

Ononon:  The Continental

The pack circled up on the parking deck above The Continental, and off we went.  Down the stairs, up onto that fugly concrete walkway over a park and into the first of many, many checks.  We ran through swanky apartment complexes, not-so-swanky apartment complexes, ghetto apartment complexes, and up and down lots of stairs.  There were tons of checks, which I like–the pack that runs together doesn’t get lost, injured, or killed alone.  On a particularly snowy, muddy stretch, we hit the first shot check.  I don’t know what it was–which is often the case at the hash–but it got me warm.  The pack then headed into Clarendon and Courthouse, before heading back to Rosslyn for beer check, in an alley behind a rather sketchy hotel.  Stay classy, EWH3!

The second half of trail was a lot shorter than the first, but it did have the highest, steepest, slipperiest hill on trail.  Fortunately, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, oops, I mean a shot check at the top of the hill.  I don’t know what it was, but it was fruity, much like all the rest of EWH3.  It was even more slippery going down.  I do love me some sledding, but i do like it better when I have a sled.  Or a stolen McDonald’s tray.  Not long after we got down the hill, we crossed over the freeway and ended up back where we started from, on top of The Continental.


  • Six Fags got two new tattoos on his calves–each one is a foot with the word “ON” on it.  We really should’ve saved the “get a life” song for him.
  • Gaystation is going to Tijuana, so he got a mule charm to entice the donkeys.
  • 6 Pigs in a Blanket said, very loudly on the Metro, “In my mind, I’m very raceist.”  Oops.  All the non-hasher passengers who gave her dirty looks must not have heard that silent “e.”
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock reached new heights of gayness by buying Jizzmo a Snuggie.  Sadly, none of this is a euphemism.
  • Edgar Allan Ho refused a drink before the hash because she’d just had a protein shake.  She then pointed out that the easiest way to get in is through the rear.
  • St. Pauli Girl told Cum and Knock on my Back Door how to duct tape his junk.  I hope those boys have set up a safety word. 
  • Cum Dumpling and Eat Your Vegetables were engaging in nerdiness on trail:  They were discussing physics.  Why can’t they just go have sex on trail like everyone else does?
  • When I was asking for violations, Just Tobias didn’t have any, but he did proudly proclaim, “I have sweet and salty nut!”
  • Obeastiologist complained about his wedding ring interfering with his swimming, but we all know his swimmers work really well.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Monday, Sticky Monday was driving around picking up homeless people and taking them to shelters as an act of charity in the cold weather, except the guy he picked up wasn’t a homeless man–it was Brokeback Mama
  • Just Melody gave Six Fags his “ON-ON” tattoos.
  • Assflac complained about the trail, despite the fact that he was autohashing.
  • Sphincter Shy always comes up with violations, but they’re never funny.
  • Neither are Mannipple Lickter’s.
  • Edgar Allan Ho and Big Dig were hopping around like penguins at beer check.

It was too cold and windy for a naming, so we finished the beer, headed to the Continental, and tried to get Jumbo Slice, because due to the lack of good specials, we were all too sober to have any realistic shot at getting laid.

Love and Kisses,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #579 – Blame Canada, Eastern Market

HaresRed Vag of Courage, Gaystation, Sphincter Shy, Six Fags

Brew Crew:  Snap Crackle Poop, Please Step Away from the Whores

Virgin:  Just Jordan

Visitor:  Korean Booty Snatcher (Transplant, Seoul H3)

Ononon:  Tunnicliff’s

In case you’ve been living under a rock, DC got hit by a Snowpocalypse.  Snowmageddon, SnOMGasm, Snobama, whatever.  Even mail delivery was suspended.  But come rain, snow, sleet, hail, floods, or anything else, the hash still goes on.  Suck it, post office.  In honor of the snow, I wrote a little hash song.  Sing it to the tune of “Jingle Bells.”

Hashing through the snow,

while the government’s closed all day,

over the hills you go,

humping all the way.

Drink it down,

drink it down,

drink it down down down…

And now back to the actual trail.  Plan B was buried in snow, so we improvised:  the pack left their bags in the home of a couple of the hares, our Oreho stocked his truck with snacks and cases of beer, and off we went.  You might think that due to the weather, trail would be a short, easy little jaunt followed by a long night at the bar, but the hares had a different idea.  We ran across the Capitol, to the Mall, and across the Mall, burrowing our way through 3 miles of chest-deep snowdrifts.  OK, waist-deep on most people, but still.  We would’ve iced the hares, but they pretty much iced themselves while laying the damn trail.  Finally, the pack came back towards Eastern Market and hit the beer check, in an alley not far from the start.

The second half of trail was mercifully short loop.  The pack circled a few blocks and after maybe a half mile, ended up in the alley behind the building where we started and circled up.  Virgin down-downs went the way they usually do, but when our new transplant, Korean Booty Snatcher, got called in as a visitor, he didn’t know any songs or jokes and was too modest to show any body parts, so Cyrano de Private Snowball hid behind Korean Booty Snatcher and sang a song for him.


  • Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me whined earlier about getting a lot of little pricks all over her face, even though that’s how she wakes up every morning.
  • Just Ryan had the worst shotgun FAIL I’ve ever seen.  Weak sauce.
  • Korean Booty Snatcher ditched his car to join the hash when he saw the pack running, which is a commendation, not a violation.
  • Mannipple Lickter, during the worst snowfall DC has ever seen, managed to get a sunburn.
  • Gaystation packed snow around his junk in manner of an igloo. He later put his hands down his pants.  Kid must really love shrinkage.  
  • Poke an Eye Out said she’s lonely but turned down Rear Protein Injection’s offer of fresh vegetables.  She did, however, keep asking Cocky, “Do you want me?”
  • Cocky said that MTV made an announcement that it will no longer be playing music videos at all, which means that Cocky still watches MTV.
  • Saskatchewsnatch got confused and thought this was not the “Blame Canada” hash but the “BE Canada” hash.
  • Wax on, Whacks Off abandoned the pack at Remington’s.  He was later heard saying, “If I could find a snake, I’d eat it.”
  • Obeastiologist confused Tits for Tots with Spit ‘N’ Spin.  The pregnancy must be getting to his brain and making him confused.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock said he wanted to find out what it’s like to be fucked in the ass, as if he didn’t know already.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots took a cab to the start and was still late.
  • Someone thought he saw Michael J Fox at the hash, but it turns out it was just Six Fags.
  • Cocky was disappointed that the blizzard didn’t kill more people.
  • Sphincter Shy swept trail with his ass.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock didn’t take advantage when a harriette presented right in front of him.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Ryan is from Albany, NY, and went to GW, where his nickname was “Sleazy-E,” because he’d hump any dog that moved.  He now works in government relations at GW.  Just Ryan’s favorite sexual position is doggy style, and his favorite Disney movie is “The Lion King.”  The first time he had sex, he spent three months convinced that he’d gotten the girl pregnant.  He’s since gotten over that trauma, hence the nickname.  Just Ryan once came on a girl’s face in an alley before she even started to give him a blow job.  On another occasion, a girl peed in his bed and he didn’t realize it for two months.  He once hooked up with a girl named Shannon, and is now dating her roommate, who is also named Shannon.  He has size 13 feet and both Shannons were disappointed to learn that the urban legend about that isn’t true.  Just Ryan had his dick hanging out while riding the Metro and didn’t notice.  He has worked for both Clintons and knows Marion Berry.  Bitch set him up!  Just Ryan also said he’s had AIDS twice, but got over it the first time.

Naming suggestions were:

  • Money Well Spent
  • Pink Line to Nowhere
  • I Can See Your Zazu
  • Bucocky
  • Marion Dingleberry
  • Not So SmarTrip
  • Bitch Got Me Off
  • Magic Johnson


  • Tragic Johnson

Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Ryan will be known as Magic Johnson.

Some hardy souls drank the rest of the hash beer, while anyone with any sense made their way to the bar, where it was warm, and tried to get laid.  After all, it’s cold out there!

I can’t take snow more,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe