Hares: Semen on the Pew, Jeffe Lengua, Low Pressure Front and General’s Farm Animal
Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Homo and Red Vag of Courage
Virgins: Just Rob, John, Jerad,Christie, Tina, Liz, Mike and Craig
Visitors: Red Pussy Lover (Haiti) and Helm Me I’m Wet (St. Louise)
OnOnOn: Lee’s Restaurant, Bar and Liquor
What can I say about this trail? It was way the f*ck out there and about a mile of trail was through a stream bed (true). The hares totally knew what they were doing and no one got lost because trail was so well laid (false).
It pretty long ago so I don’t remember many specifics. (Yeah, yeah I’m way behind on writing my trash, screw you!) The one thing I do remember is Low Pressure Front (one of the hares) asking me to scout around one block to see if that’s where the end circle was… the hare not knowing where the end is a sure sign of well planned trail!
- Beat All You Can Beat just got back from Afghanistan and was sporting a big bushy beard. He was violated for “going native” while deployed.
- Cock Your Suck I Will can’t seem to stay off of her knees on trail.
- The Hares were violated for laying a trail so bad that even Cock-a-doodle Do Me would rather suck a cock than run it again.
- Cum Dumpling got tagged in the ass (err sting by a bee) on trail and needed his brother CoXXX On Demand to check to see if he had a bloody asshole.
- Just Kristie didn’t want to get wet on trail but when she finally did realized that she kind of liked it.
- Late Night Drive Through had a GPS on trail but forgot to use it when she got lost.
- Cock Your Suck I will had to go back into the woods to find some emergency cash that she had stuffed in her bras and dropped. With the amount of cash she had was a grand total of $2. It’s hard to imagine what sort of jam $2 would get you out of…
- The Hares were violated for laying a trail that made you bleed more than a virgin getting finger banged while at the same time making you itch like you’ve been with a 50 year old whore.
- 3 Ring Cervix confused EWH3 with OTH and showed up 45 minutes late for trail.
- General’s Farm Animal Fell down in the water, as a hare he should have been more aware of the hazards.
Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)
Just Kam went to Salisbury University (home of the Seagulls) where she studied nursing. When asked if she liked the band ‘Flock of Seagulls’ I believe that Just Kam replied, yes. Just Kam works as, shocker, a nurse… in fucking Pennsylvania!
Just Kam’s favorite farm animal is a cow and her favorite sexual position is any one where her legs are up. When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Kam talked about her brother in law and neigbor trying, unsuccessfully, to be peeping toms. Since the crowd wasn’t sure why this was embarrassing for Just Kam we asked her for another embarrassing sex story. For try number two she relayed a story about being asleep at the foot of a bed being awoken by the bed slamming her in the face because another couple was having sex in it.
She claimed that she had been laid within the past month. She also admitted to faking orgasms in the past. When asked for the most interesting place she’s had sex she replied in a Camry or a Volkswagen on Douglass street, which strikes me as both uninteresting and strangely specific. She denied ever having anal sex. Apparently whether she spits or swallows “depends.” She had been given a pearl necklace before.
Story: Once for a college Public Health class Just Kam had to go to a prison to teach sex ed. During her one of her tours of the prison she caught one of the prisoners masturbating to her.
Then Just Kam was asked a very dumb question that, amazingly, produced an interesting answer. Q: Who was the stupidest guy you had ever had sex with? A: This guy with the nickname ‘Biscuit.’ Oh and it turned out that ‘Biscuit’ was the guy that took her virginity.
Armed with the info the crowd came up with the following names for Just Kam:
- Jail House Cock
- Drop the Soup
- Prison Jerk
- Limp Biscuit
- Biscuits & Gravy
- Blood Sausage and Biscuits
- Conjugal Biscuit
- Pillsbury Maulboy
- Biscuits and Teabags
- Muffin Top
Finally the name Cockin Fresh Dough was thrown out there and the crowd (and our RA) approved. So now Just Kam has a proper hash name, welcome to the club Cockin Fressh Dough!
Then we had a VERY special occasion… a SECOND naming! (We actually don’t do this every week!)
Just Masi went to the naval academy and is still in the Navy. Where he works in IT. His favorite sexual position is doggy style. His most embarrassing sexual story was getting caught having sex on a park bench by the police. The cops put the spot light on them but they kept going. After the Po PP actually high-fived him. (Which makes the story more cool than embarrassing but whatever…)
When his friend was asked for a story about Just Masi she just asked him to show the crowd his tongue, which was very long. The harriets were very impressed and flurry of naming suggestions ensued.
- Black from the Neck UP
- Black Simmons
- OJ Simmons (at this point I feel like I should tell you that Just Masi is a black man)
- Naval Deep
- Gene Simmons
- Lick James, Bitch!
Finally we settled on Lick James, Bitch! and so at EWH3 and throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls, fuck them) Just Masi will be known as Lick James, Bitch!
Until next time…
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 #543 – Black of the Clones Hash, Waterfront
Hares: Private Snowball, Runs with Bulls, Sucks It Blue, The Udder Ho, Hungry Hungry Homo, Rear Protein Injection
Brew Crew: Fuck’s Up, Doc, Buttfuck Norris
Virgins: Just: Chris, Erin, Nela, Miranda, Sam, Richie, Andy, Christine, Josh, Chad, Blair
Visitors: Shitty Kitty Porn Porn (Vegas H3), Cherry Poppins (Ben Franklin Mob H3), Just Martha (Carleton College H3), Just Braydon (Seattle H3), Dam It and Damn It (Ann Arbor H3), Emergency Blow
Analversaries: Duck Job—100 hashes
The pack met up in front of a church on the Southwest Waterfront. Not the church of beer, where we all worship, but an actual church. We circled up, the hares came out in matching black t-shirts and kilts (except for RPI, who was wearing a towel—leave it to the one white dude to take a trend and make it look stupid), and after a rousing chorus of, “Hi, my name is Joe,” off we went. It wasn’t too long before we got to the first shot check, a Black Russian. By the time our stomachs settled from that, we reached the second shot check in a park, a White Russian. That shot tied the whole trail together! The pack ran on, thinking we’d hit the beer check at any second. We ran by two or three locations where we’d had beer checks before, and still no Plan B in sight. We got our hopes up and got let down so many times that by the time we finally reached beer check somewhere in Southeast, we could all identify with the plight of the angry black man.
The second half of trail was, thankfully, pretty short and sweet. We crossed back into Southwest, hit our third shot check—a screwdriver, which didn’t fit the theme at all—and headed to the on-in, under a bridge.
Offensive, Racist Violations (Srsly. If I believed in hell, I’d be going there for these):
- Doesn’t Pull Out has been tracking his calorie intake. How many are there in semen, anyway? Inquiring minds want to know.
- RPI was the Michael Jackson of the Black of the Clones hares.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock and PeeWee’s Little Adventure weren’t wearing matching shirts. You’d almost think they’d gone straight.
- Just Mosi really should’ve hared this trail.
- Just Zara and Just Jen turned down the second shot once they found out that it was creamy. Boys, don’t even bother trying.
- Fluffer No Butther couldn’t stop at cock-blocking other hashers and had to go and cock-block a random dude who was getting a booty call in his car.
- Cute Lesbian in Training introduced herself to Assfixiation with the greeting, “I love being wet! What’s your name?” Classy.
- PoPo Disco was drinking out of a Starbucks mug that matched her bra and her shorts. She’s so yuppietastic, she looks like she’s trying out to be in the Fairfax Rap video.
- The hares laid a marathon of a trail. I thought black dudes were only good at sprinting!
- Suck her for Sushi said he had two virgins, but the girl didn’t come. Dude, you’re doing it wrong.
- PeeWee’s Little Adventure drew candy on the back of his shirt to get some kids in the playground we ran through to follow him. He’s starting to get himself confused with his namesake. Next thing you know, he’ll get arrested for whacking off in an adult movie theatre (if they even still have those, since everyone gets their porn on the interwebs nowadays).
- Just Erin was running with a fanny pack. What tour bus did she get it from?
- Assfixiation still thinks there’ll be tippy cup in 5 minutes.
- The Udder Ho kept getting all the other hares confused with each other. See, even black dudes can’t tell each other apart!
- Motormouth didn’t hare the trail because he’s even whiter than RPI.
- RPI took advantage of affirmative action to hare the trail.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Roll Over, Bitch!, the hare razor, made the black dudes work twice as hard to lay a trail twice as long as everyone else’s.
- Emergency Blow was laying on the ground with a bunch of white stuff all over his face during the second shot check. Tasty, no?
- Duck Job needed permission from the man to cum to the hash.
- Assflac thought Davy Crotch Itch was a virgin.
- Edgar Allan Ho got a new job and can be a sugar mama now.
- The hares tried to start a gang on trail.
- PeeWee’s Little Adventure told a random on the street that we were chasing black people.
- Double Ohhh Positive, Snap Crackle Poop, and Please Step Away from the Whores auto-hashed.
- PoPo Disco bought her bra at Target, but she gets her underwear at the dollar store.
- Areola Borealis was so excited about being able to pee like a guy, she gave her skirt to Sucks It Blue.
- PoPo Disco said something about how stiff her hair was. She should’ve swallowed.
- Cock Your Suck I Will was being a raceist on trail. No, not that kind, the other kind.
- Just Hallie asked Tony Panda if he wanted her to wipe his ass.
- Shamrock Your Cock obviously isn’t doing her job well if Just Hallie has to ask Tony Panda that.
Then we had a NAMING!
Just Zara attended George Washington University, where she majored in international affairs, and now works for the Smithsonian, giving tours. So that’s what they call head now! She lost her virginity at age 17 in the back of a jeep and likes chickens and reverse cowgirl. Just Zara owns a sex toy that she thinks is called the “little rabbit.” She wore a pearl necklace to her first hash. She once had sex on an incline bench press. Just Zara once lost her underwear the morning after sex, but was found when her then-boyfriend’s dog puked it up while they were having breakfast with his mother.
Shitty name suggestions were:
- Lost and Found
- At Least He Didn’t Shit it Out
- Pumpin’ Wood
- Oh, What A Bite
- Whore Guide
- Incline Pressed
- One Way or the Other
Before we could throw Just Zara back, it was mentioned that she neglected to tell us that she was on her period when her boyfriend’s dog ate and threw up her underwear. Because of this, she will henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), be known as Clifford the Big Red Cock.
Since that went quickly, we had ANOTHER NAMING!
Just Brandon, who was thrown back last week, attended University of Minnesota, where he majored in psychology, and is now a writer for some publication for consumers. He’s a Freudian, and he doesn’t like electric shocks, but he loves his mother. Just Brandon lost her virginity at age 16 in his parents’ bedroom and has also gotten laid in the bathroom at Ulah Bistro on U Street. When he was 5 years old, he punched his great-grandfather, and intentionally dialed the wrong number to apologize. As a child, Just Brandon also busted a girl’s teeth. She is now on MSNBC. His high school nickname was “Felcher,” because he came in a girl and then ate her out. I do not think that word means what you think it means. Just Brandon was charged with felony vandalism for stealing signs when Minnesota won the Frozen Four. He doesn’t come from blow jobs and hasn’t gotten laid in 2 years; these facts might be related. He also taped and sold porn from junior high school through the middle of college.
Name suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
- Wood Chipper
- Indian Jizzer
- Cold Cock
- I’m Not Done, Bitch
- Cut Out Paper Bag
- Consume Her Abort
- Father Dowling’s Mystery
- Second Cumming
- Jiminy Dick-it
- Rusty Trombone
The pack settled on Rusty Trombone—second time’s the charm!
Both namings done, we proceeded to the original on-on-on, Phillips, only to find it was closed. But that didn’t stop us. Hashers are nothing if not resourceful, so we went next door to Jenny’s, drank more beer, and tried to get laid.
Damn, my quads still hurt from that trail,
Tits for Tots
Hares: Brokeback Mama, A Red River Runs Through It, SlumCock Anywhere, and Just Zara
Brew Crew: Mannipple Lickter and Oedipus Sex
Virgins: Just Matt, Kieron, Bill, Hank, Aaron, Mark, Fred, Greg, Tiffany, Vickie, Josh, Beth, Guggan, Russ, Mike, Zack, Ben, Jane, Jacqueline, Jade and Sharb
Visitors: Salad Shooter (San Diego), Just Christen (homeless), Hell I Smell Her (Aloha H3), Quiver Dance (Hampton H3), Mr. Beanie Weenie (Vulcan H3), and Coxycontin (S.H.I.T) (I guess no one told Coxy that being a SHIT hasher does not make you a visitor!)
Analversaries: Double Ohhh Positive (69) and Eat Your Vegetables (69)
OnOnOn: The Pour House
We circled up in front of Union Station for the “A Hare Called Wanda” trail. So cleverly named because all of the hares have names that are spoofs of famous movie titles. Little did we know that this hash was going to be epic (in length) with a boring plot (trail) and an intermission (beer check) that came way too late. The jokes also stank (the beer check was situated next to the fish market).
Eventually the travesty ended, the credits rolled, and the cast members (hares) of this shit show were forced to do many down-downs. There was much rejoicing.
(If you think the description of trail is just a bunch of lame movie jokes because I can’t remember what the trail was actually like… you would be correct.)
Now on to the details:
- 3-2-1 Fuck Off and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me both tried to pay their hash cash with coins. We all know you can’t tip a stripper with coins and therefor their currency was worthless.
- Tits for Tots claims that here boobs are always oriented east and west. We all hope that they help her find a penis that’s oriented north.
- Cum and Knock on my Back Door, Silly Gay Virus and Peewee’s Little Adventure all wore matching outfits. No really!
- Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining that we had more virgins than Justs on today’s trail and that it was someones fault and that they needed to be punished. Since I couldn’t figure out whose fault it was, or even if this was something that anyone should complain about, I decided that Ro,B! needed to drink.
- Just Evan and his virgin clasped hand and ran into the end together so that neither would “win” the hash. They both “won” a down-down for this stunt.
- Cocktuplets was attracted to the beer check because it smelled like pussy.
- Just Jess and Just Bill both had technology on trail.
- Just Stephanie and Just Michelle both carried their purses on trail. I hope the purses at least had condoms in them, in case of trail sex!
- The hares were violated for marking the trail in from of the holocaust museam with stars of David. I guess it IS too soon.
- A Red River Runs Through It forgot to bring the walkers trail through shot check.
- The harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch! was pulling out the trail map at every check. I guess he didn’t remember that you can actually solve them.
- Maytagged is being deported and so won’t be at the hash for while.
- Cum Dumpling was violated for not being able to raise his arm while screaming “white flour.” I’m not quite sure I understand this violation but he drank for it anyway.
- Brokeback Mama couldn’t help lay his own trail because he locked all his shit in his car and had to wait for AAA to send a locksmith.
- Edgar Allan Ho is receiving free condoms from the government. We can only assume that they are trying to avert an pandemic of swine herpes.
- Finally John 3:69 wore shoes so new and bright that the glare off of them was blinding. A down-down out of the right shoe should teach her not to do that again.
Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)
Just Brandon went to the University of Minnesota where he studied psychology, meaning now he works as a waiter… well actually he works for Consumer Reports. What, exactly, he did for that publication wasn’t clear but probably wasn’t interesting enough to warrant much attention by the crowd.
His favorite sexual position is missionary and his favorite barnyard animal is a pig. He most embarrassing sexual moment was getting caught in the middle of coitus, in a dorm room at college. (OMG! How embarrassing… not.) The most interesting place he had ever had sex was the restroom of some cafe in DC. He claimed not to be very good in bed… way to intrigue the ladies there Just Brandon! I guess if you are going to be disappointed in the morning you might as well know ahead of time.
One interesting fact about Just Brandon is that he is a felon. Apparently he went ape-shit after the Golden Gophers lost (or maybe won) some game. He tore a bunch of signs down and caused several thousand dollars in damage. His aggressive attitude while on his knees, in the middle of circle was also noted by many.
Armed with this info the crowd came up with many bad names for Just Brandon. In the end our RA, Cum Dumpling, decided to throw him back. I guess we’ll be hearing more from Just Brandon soon!
Then we all went to The Pour House where drama ensued as we hit on the roommate of our former lover, who also happened to be the one who made out with our best friend after they got really hammered at that party last month… Was everybody happy? You bet your ass we were!
Until next time…
Rear Protein Injection