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Hash Trash: EWH3 #538: The R*nning of the Bulls Hash

Hares: Cum Dumpling, Low Press’her Front, Kandy Panties, Just Nikki and our very speshul mystery hare Poop Weiner
Brew Crew: Saskatchewsnatch and I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just Caitlin, Amanda, Max, Todd, Brad, Ron, Andy, Rebeca, Rob, Katie, Brian and Peter
Visitors:  Poop Weiner (SHHH), Fire Pants Alec and Just Anna
Analversaries: Silly Gay Virus (17)
OnOnOn: The Ugly Mug


We gathered outside of the Eastern Market Metro station during what had been a beautiful day.  The hares were sent off, the virgins were educated about trail marks and we circled up for our normal opening shenanigans.  We had a replacement RA this evening: Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me.  She apparently has zero pull with the hash gods because as soon as we started opening circle the skies opened up and there was a downpour so heavy would have given Noah cause for alarm. 

The pack was off on a “trail” that was completely washed away.  Literally there was not a single mark to be found.  This fact didn’t stop Hair Cuntery from continuously yelling “On-On” and leading the entire pack on a “trail” of his own devising.  Where was the sweeper hair?  Who the fuck knows?  Following Hair Cuntery into unknown does not exactly fill you with a sense of confidence, but apparently there was a method to the madness, after about three miles of r*cism the pack did find the beer check. (That method being running around the neighborhood going through every plausible beer check location.)

By the time we got to beer check the rain had abated and it was actually possible to lay trail.  The hares were off and the pack followed after consuming some tasty beverages.  Maybe three quarters of a mile into the second half of trail the hares popped out of hiding and tried to pelt the FRBs, and the pack, with flour.  Unfortunately they neglected to actually send anyone ahead of this ambush point to lay the rest of trail… so now the pack was actually in front of the hares… I have no idea how they thought this would work out well.  I ended up walking the rest of trail because there wasn’t any point in running it.

We got to the end, which was the same location as the beer check.  Another excellent choice of strategy by the hares… We had circle and proceeded to get rained on in spite of the fact that the skies over head were basically clear of clouds… Cocky, sacrifice your virginity already!!!  Clearly the hash gods are not happy with you protecting it.

Now on to the details:

Violations:

  • Slumcock Anywhere was “working” from home and had decided to pass the time by having a beer and watching some inter-net porn, unfortunately his favorite porn site was down and he decided to do actual work instead.
  • The Hares did down-downs for not anticipating the weather and laying their accordingly… Low Pressure Front is a meteorologist for Christ sakes!  (FYI- a ‘meteorologist’ is someone who predicts the weather.)
  • Do Me Howser bought the cow, having just married Tupperware.  It was noted that Tupperware has been barely seen at the hash since snaring a man.
  • Fucks Up Dock? Was complaining that she had a drippy snatch.  She assured me that we had nothing to worry about as she was taking something for it…
  • Just Nikki covered herself in orange flour.  She drank for trying to impersonate an “orange” girl with a bad fake tan.
  • Just Tara asked if we hashed during the winter.  Next she’ll be asking if we hash during national holidays and natural disasters.
  • The notorious FRBs Sphincter Shy and Cock Your Suck I Will were trying find trail even though the were AHEAD of the hares.
  • The hares did down downs for their excellent “stragery” in sending no one ahead to actually lay trail when they decided to ambush the pack.
  • Obeastiologist was talking about “fartlicking” on trail.  Whether he was being a r*cist or just gross doesn’t matter.  He deserved his down down.
  • Roll Over Bitch! was violated for abusing his position as Harerazer by using the hareline to pimp out his resume.
  • Eat Your Vegetables was commended for managing to appear popular during at least one hash.
  • Canned Pussy, #2, Just Nick and Fuxedo all managed to show up to beer check completely dry.  Something wasn’t kosher there!
  • Hair Cuntery was violated for creating his own 5K in place of the first half of trail.
  • ChippenFails had a flower growing out of his ass… apparently sperm is a good fertilizer.


Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!  (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Nick who had been thrown back the week before was brought into the circle for second shot at getting a name that didn’t suck.  During round two of the interrogation we learned the following about Just Nick:

  • Graduated from the Naval Academy and is a Navy pilot
  • His squadron is the Bulldogs and his call sign is Stewie
  • Lost his virginity at 18 in the living room of his girlfriends house
  • The meanest thing he ever did to someone was drop a bomb on the wrong house.
  • The meanest thing he ever did to an American was punch a girl in the stomach
  • His favorite barnyard animal is a goat
  • His favorite TV shows are CNN and Man vs. Wild

Edgar Allan Ho who has the (mis)fortune of sleeping with Just Nick these days had a story about the night they first met.  It was after a hash and EAH and Just Nick met at the ononon.  They left for metro together and while on metro they made a little and Just Nick tried to get EAH to go down on him, which she didn’t do.  Before they needed to switch trains he tried to get her to come home with him, which she also refused to do.  Of course a little later that night he called her claiming to have missed his train, and she picked him up and brought him home that night anyway.  (Apparently EAH is pretty gullible…)

Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:

  • Bait-n-Switch
  • Police Blowtality
  • Rail Rider
  • No Means Anal
  • Last Train to Poleland
  • Slobber on My Cock You Bitch
  • Ass Wide Shut
  • Ho She Chin Trail


None of these names quite had the cache of Whore Crimes however.  Goodbye Just Nick, hello Whore Crimes.

Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!

The crowds lust for namings not sated with Just Nick (err Whore Crimes) Just Judy was dragged into the circle.  Just Judy went to American University whose mascot is the Bald Eagle.  Her hobbies include hashing, hashing and hashing.  (NO idea what Just Judy did with her time before discovering hashing.)  She works as a restaurant hostess.  (Philosophy major in college?)  She grew up in Puerto Rico and went to an all girls catholic high school.

She lost her virginity in college and swallows after a blow job.  She was a good catholic girl in high school so when she dated guys she would blow them instead of giving them sex.  The strangest place she’s ever had sex was in a lifeguard house in Miami Beach.  Her favorite sexual position in missionary.  When asked about how many girls she has kissed Just Judy had a story about making out with a stripper in front of an ex-boyfriend.  When asked about the first time she had anal sex, her response was: “It was a surprise.”

We learned a lot more about Just Judy but unfortunately my scribe notes get pretty esoteric at times.  I sure wish I could remember what story the note ‘Long dark phallus – Flavor in my mouth’ referred too.  I’m also  pretty sure there was some sort of catholic school girl lesbian story… Oh well, not everything can be recorded for posterity.

Anyway, the following names were nominated for Just Judy:

  • Double Stacked
  • Dyke Watch
  • Three Men and a Maybe
  • What abouy Knob
  • Bunkake
  • Coochie Grissel
  • Shindlers Lisp
  • Everything Butt
  • Surprise Attack
  • All Head No Bed
  • Amtush

In the end due to her catholic upbringing and her subsequent attempts to make up for lost time Just Judy was named John 3:69. 

Then we went to ononon, drank our faces off and tried to get laid.  Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were!

 

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe

Hash Trash: EWH3 #537: Dominatrix Hash

Hares:  Cute Lesbian In Training, Tar Squeal, Red Vag of Courage, Sphincter Shy, Gaystation, Pittsburgh Kneeler, Fluffer No Butther

Brew Crew:  Fucks Up Doc?, Buttfuck Norris

Virgins: Justs Kristen, William, Andrew, Philip, Scott , Tamara, Christa, Allison, Natalie, Marie, Emily, Luis, Ashton, Erica, David, David, Jenny, Anicero, Carla, Laura, Rebecca, Mike, Elizabeth, Winnie, Dan, Trish, Ben

Visitors:  Party Mouth (Guantanamo Bay), Swinger (Atlanta), Explodes on Impact (Memphis)

Ononon:  Larry’s Lounge

 The pack of black-clad dominatrixes and submissives met up in Dupont Circle for the S&M hash, a couple hours before another pack of black-clad Iran election protesters were slated to meet up in the same place, confusing tourons and passers-by alike.  We ran through the neighborhood to a shot check, and by shots, I mean Dixie Cups of boxed wine.  Classy!  Thus refreshed, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park, whips cracking along the way.  We forded Rock Creek at a particularly deep point; a few of the shortest harriers and harriettes may have had to swim, and then up the steepest, slipperiest hill in DC.  Damn, those hares really are sadistic.  We dried off by running through Georgetown and into the gayest beer check ever, right at P Street Beach.

 We interrupt this hash trash for a quick PSA (as in Public Service Announcement, not Please Step Away from the Whores):  Corsets chafe when you run several miles in them.  Use lube, er, I mean, Body Glide, generously.  The runners traced a circuitous route through Dupont Circle into Adams Morgan, while the walkers made a detour for Rita’s Frozen Ice, but we all eventually ended up at the On-In by Marie Reed.  There were kickballers playing nearby, so we could blame all the noise and general obnoxiousness on them.  After all, they’re the ones looking like idiots in their matching t-shirts.

 Violations:

  • Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me broke Cock Your Suck I Will’s nose a couple weeks ago, so Cock Your Suck I Will got revenge by locking Cocky up in her S&M dungeon and having her way with her.
  • An Inconvenient Poop tossed out half of her beer at beer check. That’s alcohol abuse!
  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock took the money his roommates gave him for the cable bill and used it to buy a plane ticket—and not even to go hike the Appalachian Trail, I mean, get some Argentinian tail.
  • Ring Toss Salad sold some of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock’s video games to pay the cable bill, but didn’t make enough of a profit margin to buy any porn.
  • Silly Gay Virus got kicked out of a strip club for requesting a Backstreet Boys song.  If he wanted it that way, he should’ve gone out in the gayborhood instead.
  • Cock Your Suck I Will pushed another hasher to the ground to get to the front of the pack, without setting up a safety word first.
  • Manipple Lickter tried to play crossing guard but directed the pack into oncoming traffic, also without setting up a safety word first.
  • Just Ben and Shetland Blow Me had sex in a port-a-potty on trail.  I thought that was Pork-A-Potty’s job.
  • Just Rory confused Tits for Tots with I Suck Dead People, which led the pack to confuse Just Rory with Helen Keller.
  • Just Winnie brought a camelback of vodka and cranberry juice to her virgin hash—that’s not just acceptable but commendable hash behavior.
  • Fluffer No Butther tried to order a Long Island iced tea at Rita’s.  For the record, Rita’s is an Italian ice joint that does not have a liquor license.
  • Big Bend Over was looking for the first aid kit because his nipples were chafed, and he wasn’t even wearing a corset.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door is going to be teaching special education at a middle school in Southeast.  As if the parents in that part of town didn’t have enough to worry about, now they’ll really need to lock up their sons.
  • The hares had a scouting fail; they put the beer check right by a public pool that was open.  It’s almost like they wanted someone to end up in handcuffs.
  • Explodes on Impact was whining on trail even when no one was whipping him. 
  • Big Bend Over thought this was the Outdoorsman’s Weekly hash rather than the S&M hash; he brought a fishing pole instead of a riding crop.
  • KP promised a long time ago to drill a hole in Cocktuplets, but he hasn’t yet.  Don’t keep a girl waiting!
  • Ring Toss Salad was responsible for the big wet spot on the periphery of end circle.

 Violations from the Crowd:

  • Fluffher No Butther went off the trail he was haring to pay a visit to his girlfriend, Rita.  He’s pussywhipped, and she’s frigid.
  • Cum Dumpling ran smack into a building on trail, because he needed to hurt just a little more.
  • Put It Out killed Michael Jackson so that he could be the oldest pedophile around.  I’ve got you in my sights, PIO.  You’d better sleep with one eye open.
  • Gaystation lost his wingman when Michael Jackson died.  He should blame PIO. 
  • Cradle to the Dreidel couldn’t decide which way she swings, so she jumped into a bush full of pricks to get the best of both worlds.
  • Party Mouth came all the way up from Guantanamo Bay and didn’t even waterboard anyone on trail.
  • Shamrock Your Cock:  George W. Bush is no longer president, so it’s ok to pronounce “nuclear” properly again.  It’s not “nucular.”
  • Cum Dumpling and Saskatchewsnatch forgot to tell Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow to bring his fist-shaped dildo. 
  • Cock Your Suck I Will had to get plastic surgery to get rid of the damage from Cocky’s love bite.

 Then we had a NAMING!…. sort of.

Just Nick attended the Naval Academy and is now a pilot with the Marines, so in other words, he gets paid to play with a stick that is attached to a weapon.  He flies harriers but claims to prefer to ride harriettes, despite having a Tom Cruise poster in his bedroom.  Just Nick studied history and likes goats and prefers to shag them doggy style.  He claims to have passed out in a model.  Model what?  I don’t know.  Just Nick’s favorite hobby is skydiving, but he’s never jumped tandem because he doesn’t like to have a guy behind him.  Even if it were Tom Cruise?  Finally, some kids once saw him giving a blow job in a parking lot.  Oh, wait, was that supposed to be getting a blow job?  My bad.  I bet Tom Cruise was somehow involved.

 Despite this wealth of information, the pack didn’t come up with much of anything good, so we threw Just Nick back.  Remember it for next time.

 We proceeded to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, and hit on gay guys.

 Spankings and whippings,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hash Trash: EWH3 #536: Tour Duh Hash

Hares: Edgar Allan Ho, Blows a Tranny, Obeastiologist, Put It Out and Mannipple Lickter
Brew Crew: Saskatchewsnatch and George StuffedAnOctopus
Virgins: Just Jaime, Andy, Sharon, Jenn, Nisha, Heather, Kendra, Laurie, Erin, Emily, Brian, Ro, Julie, Paul, Kelsey, Jenn, Jason, Ainsly, Hume
Visitors:  eXplodes On iMpact (MemphisH3), Cork Sucker (Puget Sound H3), Banana Hamock (Austin H3), Just Dave (Texas) and Just Christine (Texas)
Analversaries: Tits for Tots (100), Wookin Pa Nub (69), Slum Cockanywhere (17) and Peas on my Face (17)
OnOnOn: Ruby Tuesdays

This year Every Day Is Wednesday hosted the 6th leg of the Tour Duh Hash.  The Tour Duh Hash is an annual event where the truly intrepid (or stupid) can broaden their horizons and enlarge their livers over 9 straight days of hashing with each hash hosted by a different DC kennel.  Seizing the opportunity to show off an EWH3 trail to hashers from other kennels, the hares presented us with a trail so great it was guaranteed to get all but the most prudish of harriets absolutely dripping wet!

Our illustrious GM, Kandy Panties circled us up, some announcements were made and we warned NOT to bring any technology on trail.  The virgins and visitors were introduced, we sang a single verse of High My Name Is Joe, and the pack was sent off.

The trail itself was shiggerific.  It was muddy, had a number of river crossings and more wet holes than a porn convention.   This trail swept me off my feet!  (Literally, the current on one of the river crossings swept me off my feet.)  Fortunately my equipment (scribe notebook and pen) was well wrapped so I was still able to perform at the end circle.  My parents have been telling be to wrap my junk since middle school!   They can’t say I didn’t listen.

Along the way we were treated to two beer checks and a gratuitous shot of ChippenFails bare ass.  Amazingly the casualties were minimal and most of the pack made it to the end circle.  (Frankly I’m always amazed that most of the pack makes it to end circle…)

To enjoy photographic evidence of all the shiggy, wet t-shirts and debauchery be sure to check out the hash flash:  http://www.kodakgallery.com/ewh3/

Now on to the details:

Violations:

·         Po Po Disco did a down-down for having perfect face makeup in spite of running the wettest, shiggiest trail of the year.  Cock Your Suck I Will, whose “makeup” (a broken nose and two black eyes) resembled a raccoons, did a down-down for not getting advice from Po Po about how to put her face on.

·         Air Spanker One and ChippenFails do not exactly epitomize the pinnacle of human evolution, so it was no surprise when they were both caught flinging poo on trail.

·         Banana Hammock paid for hash cash with $2 bills.  I guess inflation is starting to affect the tips you get as a stripper.

·         Kandy Panties, after warning the entire pack NOT to bring any technology on trail, was caught answering his blackberry while he was chest deep in water.  According to witnesses he answered with the line “It’s not a good time.”  Really? No shit!  I bet KP is the kind of guy that picks up a call from his mom while he‘s having sex too.

·         Wax On Whacks Off was caught urinating using an unusual lunging stance.  He did a down-down for learning how to urinate from his dog.

·         Maytagged got a sex injury that actually required a visit to the emergency room.  Afterwards she was so bow legged that she waddled more than she walked.  I’m guessing the next time Maytagged sees an ad in the City Paper looking for a girl for some “equine fun,” she’ll think twice.

·         Keyless Entry was quoted as saying “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a dark wet tunnel and I’ve missed it.”

·         Me-Likee-Lickee-Caca thinks all Asian girls look alike.  

·         Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me was off trail and thought she heard someone calling her name: “Cocky!, Cocky!” It turned out they were actually screaming “Cracker!, Cracker!”

·         Mannipple Lickter lost his hash mug.  Fortunately for him it was found by Legs Over Easy who returned it to him carefully encased in a protective layer of Jello.

 

Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!  (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Nick grew up in South Dakota and went to South Dakota State University, home of the Jack Rabbits.  He works for the USDA performing hog and pig inventories.  He didn’t seem very confindent about what his hobbies were, answering “Cycling, well no not really, volleyball.”  At this point the crowd decided that Just Nick may be a little bit retarded. 

Just Nick is married although he is known for showing up to the hash with a woman who is not his wife.  When asked what his favorite sexual position Just Nick responded ‘piggy style.’  After a demonstration it turned out ‘piggy style’ was awful lot like ‘doggy style.’  His most embarrassing sexual moment was being caught by his first girlfriend’s mother while they were in the act.  Since the mom just walked away, without saying anything, this story didn’t seem too embarrassing.  However the strangest place Just Nick ever had sex was in a porta potty at a Dave Matthews concert.  (Hold on a minute while I try to keep my lunch contained… Okay I think I’m okay. Really, a porta potty has got to be one of the unsexiest place to have sex EVER.  Almost as bad as a Dave Matthews concert!)

Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:

  • Everything But The Squeal
  • Fucks Slow Women
  • Corky the Pig
  • Pork-n-Ride
  • Bring Home the Bacunt
  • Pig-in-a-polk
  • Under the Table and Creaming
  • Squeal Chair
  • Ass Into Me

In the end all of these suggestions paled against Porka Potty.  And so with golden beverage Just Nick was christened Porka Potty.

Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!

A second naming, now this is something we actually DON’t do every week!  Just Jill is known for showing up to the hash with Porka Potty every week.  She is from Michigan and went to Michigan State for College where she majored in Spanish and Criminal Justice.  She uses this education to perform background checks for non-profit agencies. 

The meanest thing she had ever done to one of her siblings growing up was to take a switch to her younger sister.  She has been kicked out of Catholic school.  Her most embarrassing non-sexual moment was walking out of the bathroom in high school with her skirt tucked into her shorts. 

Just Jill lost her virginity at 13 (well… it may have been 17).  When asked if she had ever had a lesbian experience Just Jill said “no” but indicated that she was curious.  The most interesting place she had ever had sex was in the paint room of the student union and MSU. (Wow, really getting wild there…) Her most embarrassing sexual moment was losing her shorts while getting finger banged in van; she had to walk home wrapped in a blanket.  (Apparently, this was also her first time rounding that particular base.  Way to start your ‘career’ there Just Jill!)  She also remembered that the van was 1982 Chevy diesel.   Klassy! (with a capitol K on purpose)

The following names were proposed by the crowd:

  • Jack Me Off
  • Uncle Tom’s Stabbin
  • Rusty Chastity Belt
  • Finger Taint by Numbers
  • C.O.N.D.O.M.  (Was an acronym for something.  I don’t remember what.  It sucked anyway.)
  • Father Forgive Me
  • Sexcommunicated
  • Sister Mary Gagged on Her

From now on we’ll be calling Just Jill Uncle Tom’s Stabbin. 

We went to the OnOnOn, got drunk and tried to sleep with people from other hashes.   (Hey that IS new!)  Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were!

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe