Just when you thought that we had eradicated preventable illnesses from the days of old, scurvy has struck the Nation’s Capital! Obviously, EWH3 got plenty of Vitamin D during last week’s Stoplight Trail but ready your eye patches and grab your trusty blunderbuss because this trail will make sure you stock up on rum and Vitamin C!

When: 6:45 PM & May 2, 2019. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Ballston Metro and walk to Welburn Square, 901 N Taylor St, Arlington, VA 22203 – follow marks to start!

Hares: Atari 6900 & Crew

Trail Length:
Runners total trail: 1st is 2.35 mi, 2nd is 2.13 mi
Walker’s total trail: 1st is 1 mi, 2nd is 1 mil

Theme: Suggested themes include: Vitamin C, Oranges, Mermaids, Scurvy, and of course RUM, RUM, and more RUM!

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to A’. There may or may not be scurvy on trail. It should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug! Be smart, have fun.

Last trains out of Ballston:
Largo Town Center 11:10 PM
New Carrollton 11:03 PM
Vienna/Fairfax-GMU 11:53 PM
Wiehle-Reston East 11:38 PM

On After: Punch Bowl Social

Specials: Lemons, Limes, Oranges, plenty of fruit with Vitamin C – and other specials TBD

When: Thursday, April 25, 2019

Where:  Pentagon City Metro (Yellow / Blue Line)

Hares:  #SquadHoles, #SquadHoles’ hover board, Poon-apple Juice, L’Chymen, and Heaven’s Gape

Virgins:  none

Visitor:  The other DADS, who doesn’t know what PUDJAM is

On-After:  Freddie’s Beach Bar Bob and Edith’s Diner

Y’all, it was #SquadHoles’ first alpha hare, yay!  And for a trail that put us underground on the nicest Thursday of the year so far, involved repeatedly running into traffic and an elevator dance sausage party gang bang, and revealed a concerning number of hashers who don’t know which three colors are on a stoplight, it was … yeah it was still shitty.

Also, we need to talk about that freaking train DP while I was trying to do my set in circle.  I’m loud, but not that loud.  Rude.  Anyway, moving on.


  • Our walker’s hare L’Chymen walked into a revolving glass door on trail.  She may have dyed her hair red, but this Harriette is still a blonde at heart.
  • Princess Jizzmine decided that road signs are the new LinkedIn and picked out her next career move: 3 men in a truck for $80 an hour.  Sold!
  • Uno, Dos, Tres LIFTOFF! was caught bragging about her GS-14 status.  It’s not so much the money we’re concerned about, but the fact that her longest relationship to date has been with Uncle Sam.
  • #SquadHoles announced via SnapChat (aka his preferred medium for documenting crimes) this week that he is cancelling his adult summer camp due to lack of alcohol permit, a norovirus outbreak, Brexit, and the release of the Mueller Report.  He’s been so busy telling everyone how “lit” it was going to be he didn’t realize he had been organizing West Virginia’s very own Fyre Festival.  Documentary out on Netflix this fall!

And a big SHAME bell for me for flubbing my period sex joke about the tunnels of love trail being laid with red and sticky marks.  I’m literally named after a menstrual blood stain.  Anyway, we still threw down some towels and made a mess of that karaoke.

On – I petted so many dogs last night – on,

Stain Train

Who’s single? Who’s taken? Who’s just up for some Netflix and Chill? Who wants to tell their significant other to be on their toes because things are are getting weird? Well now we’ll all know! Rock your availability colors!

Yellow – I could be down, I might be casually dating, come chat about it
Red – I’m taken, we can be friends tho!

Be fun, show us your colors. We all know the best relationships are between hashers! So spring into our love tunnels of Crystal City!

When: 6:45 PM Thursday April 25, 2019. Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Pentagon City– Mall Exit – follow marks to start!

Hares: #SquadHoles, L’Hymen, Heaven’s Gape and Poon Apple Juice… AKA #L’GapeHoleJuice

Miscellaneous Crap: Trail is A to B. Trail is a urban pavement pounder with many tunnels of love. Stroller friendly. It should be a nice night. Pack smartly and bring a headlamp & mug! Be smart, have fun.

Trail Lengths
Runners: 2 miles first half, 2.5 miles second half
Walkers: 0.9 first half, 1.25 miles second half

Last trains out of Crystal City:
Red, Yellow, Green to Fort Totten: 11:08 PM
Blue to Franconia / Springfield: 11:55 PM
Yellow to Huntington: 11:31 PM
Silver, Blue to Largo Town Center: 11:17 PM

On After: Freddie’s Beach Bar & Restaurant, 555 23rd St S, Arlington, VA 22202

Specials: Drunk Hare Karaoke, maybe some food specials